Abandonment

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein

     I love it when the Lord brings several different thoughts into my head and then begins to string them together.  The best way I can come up with to explain what He is teaching me this morning is to give a scenario,  Say you are a soldier engaged in battle.  You have confidence because you are surrounded by your troops and you all have a common enemy.  You step out in front and move forward into battle.  Then it happens.  You realize your troops have retreated and you are now surrounded by enemy soldiers.   Another scene would be as a kid, hanging out with your best friend.  You're walking down the street when the neighborhood bully steps into your path.  You can take him, because there are two of you, but then you realize, your friend just high tailed it off toward home and there you stand facing a 6ft beast with fangs, drooling as he is about to make you is midday snack.  Okay, one more.  Your father is about to beat the soup out of you like he has done so many times before.  Your thoughts are something like this, "Maybe this time Mom will speak up.  Maybe this time she will pack our bags and we will leave here for good."  Or "Maybe this time he will kill me." because Mom just walked out the door.  It's too difficult for her to watch.

     When you think about these scenes, what thoughts come to mind?  Where did they go?  Why did they leave me?  You may fight briefly or try to run, but often times, we give up, we give in to the enemy and hope for the best.  I read a book years ago explaining how abusive men were usually abused as children and they have a hatred toward women because their mother's abandoned them, didn't protect them.  As adults they expect their wife to love them enough to rescue them from the darkness, but it's not possible.  So they do what they know and beat her.

     What I am seeing this morning is how the enemy uses abandonment in our society today to show up and imitate God.  We all have a need to be loved and accepted.  When a person is abandoned the hurt is from the one who abandoned them, more than the one who beats the snot out of them.  To abandon someone is like saying, "You have no value.  You are nothing."  This is why street gangs are able to scoop up kids who have no parental attention.  They come home from school while a parent is at work and they sit there alone and bored.  That's when the enemy comes in and says, "You are okay by me.  I accept you."  It seems so backward that we would turn to the one who abused us, but if nobody is there to show us what real love is, we take what we can get.  We focus on what is in front of us.

     Abandonment causes us to settle.  If I am not worthy of love, I will settle for the closest thing I can find.  Abandonment is the opposite of God's greatest commandments to love Him with every part of us and to love each other as ourselves.  Love is an action.  He tells us to care for the poor and the lost, because if we don't show up at their door, the enemy will.

     As we sit idle or are too busy focusing on ourselves and our hurts people are answering to the false security the enemy is offering.  Abandonment works through generations.  It feeds all the other beasts of the enemy like low self esteem, anger, isolation etc.  The power your past has over you needs to be turned around and pointed outward, into your future and into others lives.

     You can only be abandoned by those you expect to stand beside you.  Not all abandonment is intentional.  People die unexpectedly, but there is One and only One who will be with you every minute of every day.  He has been with you every minute of every day and will be from here through eternity if you choose Him.  The real Comforter.

     Part of what God is showing me is how our sense of who is good and who is evil is dulled when people we are supposed to be able to trust hurt us.  Good people do bad things.  Also in the enemy's attempt to imitate Christ, evil people do good things.  I believe there are two ways people react to this confusion.  They trust everybody or they trust no one.  When we are offered comfort when our world is full of hurt or we are offered acceptance when our world is full of rejection, it's difficult to walk away, especially when we are not sure who is good and who is not.  Sometimes we need to find someone further along in their Christian walk to help us determine who to trust.  I pass things by Dave all the time, even when I think I'm sure I know the answer.  My group of trusted friends is growing.  
     You can't judge a book by it's cover.  I have seen young men who appear to be someone you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley jump up to help somebody in need.  I have also seen an elderly woman rip a young store clerk apart with racially motivated name calling.  We have to learn to allow God to show us who is good and who is evil.  And who is influenced by good and who is influenced by evil.  Just because a person calls themselves a believer, doesn't mean you can trust them.  There are Christians who are totally under the influence of a demon.  What better tool for the enemy to use, believers against believers.  Trusting God goes far beyond believing he will provide our next meal.  I believe there are some of us who need to see evil, not to run away from it, but to face it, expose it, and demand it leave whomever it is tormenting.  If we were all afraid of demons, and unable to hear from God, who would enlist in the army of spiritual warriors?

Romans 8:37-39
New International Version (NIV)

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Speak Life

“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging Expanded Edition: New Preface and Discussion Guide by the Author

     I am a minimizer.  I can make a mole hill out of a mountain without blinking.  I am also able to make a mountain out of a molehill so apparently I have trouble with reality.  When it comes to my past, my childhood, I tend to minimize.  It wasn't that bad.  Facing the reality there was extremely painful and maybe I make mountains out of mole hills so that my past looks smaller.

     Last Sunday Dave and I set a date for me to tell my story.  The rest of the day I spent in a fog.  I came out occasionally, just to remember that being in a fog is okay sometimes.  During the next few days I was somewhere between completely numb and somewhat excited.  Swinging like a pendulum.  Then Wednesday night it started.  As I was trying to sleep, I heard noises in my room.  At least I thought I did.  Then a shadow.  Seriously?  I don't need this right now.  Then the faces.  As I would get close to sleep they would flash in front of me.  That's when I couldn't deny it any more.  The enemy was not happy with my decision.  

     I have been an absolute bear the last three days at work.  I have tried desperately to turn my mood around but have failed miserably.  Some may say that I have just had a bad couple days, but I believe it is more than that.  One thing I do to control my mood is to listen to Christian music.  I plug in my earphones, crank it up and nothing gets to me.  Every time I plugged in my earphones, somebody would interrupt me and I would have to remove them.  What I set out to do on Monday, I finally finished today at 7 this evening after everyone else was home.  It should not have taken that long.  I hear the old messages that used to play in my head all the time.  

     I have not once thought of backing out of telling my story.  I am not afraid of the enemy, he is annoying.  Rushing at me, making noises, flashing faces, irritates me.  Getting in the way of my agenda, I have not learned to cope with yet.  

     On the way home tonight, I had a "Duh" moment.  We have all had a kid stand in front of a door with their arms out.  They think they are fooling us, but it is obvious they do not want us to step into that room.  Maybe they spilled something on the carpet, or broke something, and do not want to be in trouble.  They are also really good at hiding their hands behind their back, and when asked, "What do you have?"  they quickly reply shaking their heads, "Nothing."  Well, the enemy's plan has backfired all over him.  I was prepared and I have also prepared for the weeks to come, but what hit me on the way home, was that he is resorting to old behavior, old tricks that he had finally given up on with me.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  This just may be something big.

     The resistance and presence is not scaring me into changing my mind, but it is having the opposite affect.  The more he does not want me to tell my story, the more good I know will come out of it.  He doesn't want his secrets revealed, but I am about to open the door, move out of the way and expose the mess I have called my life.  What has been done to me, what I have done to others are all secrets he wants me to keep, to torture myself with.  In throwing open my door, I pray that others will find the courage to throw open theirs and expose the enemy for who he really is.  He is not a happy-go-lucky guy with horns and a pitchfork sipping a beer and dancing around the room.  

     Where is God in all this.  Laughing at the enemy.  Over the last couple days, every time I have prayed for God to hold back the enemy for a few minutes while I breathe, God did something I didn't expect.  He doesn't want us dwelling in the negative.  He didn't want me focusing on what the enemy was doing.  He wants us to dwell in the positive, in who He wants us to become.  Every time I prayed for relief, He sent me someone who needed encouragement.  He sent me somebody who was experiencing something I have been through.  I would open an email, answer the phone or look up from my work and there would be a person in need for me to encourage.  Not only was I focusing on the positive, but also becoming who He wants me to be.  "Duh"  big time "Duh".  Move away from the enemy and step closer to Jesus, step closer to becoming like Him.  It works.

‎"God doesn't want you dealing with negativity, He wants you dealing with possibility!" - Graham Cooke.

Teamwork

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much”
― Helen Keller

     I was watching my 7 years old grandson warm up with his team before their soccer game.  If you ever want to be cheered up, watch a group of young kids play any type of sports.  There are two little girls on his team who always want to hold hands while they play.  There is one little girl who is always smiling as she runs on the outside of the pack.  They all perform random cartwheels no matter where the ball is.  And my grandson fits right in.
     My grandson is not aggressive.  He likes to hang back at a safe distance, but over the weeks I have seen him take a few more chances each game.  Though a week ago when my daughter was becoming frustrated with his lack of aggression, she told him to get out there and play like "Sonic"  He is a video game junky and Sonic is a hedgehog who rolls up in a ball and really scoots through obstacles.  I'm not quite sure how it happened, because he ran out on the field with a whole new excitement, but in the middle of the huddle of kids surrounding the ball and moving down the field as a unit, my grandson sat down, crossed his legs and began to meditate.  Yep, arms out, middle finger tips touching thumbs and eyes closed.  That was a good belly laugh for most of us.  Not my daughter.
     In the game behind us I watched a young boy get control of the ball and cruise down the field to make a goal with very little resistance.  Of course he burst into tears when he realized he had put the ball in the other teams goal.  I also listened in while a little boy told a female team mate that winning didn't matter as long as they enjoyed playing.
     On this night, watching the team warm up, I noticed a significant improvement in teamwork.  I was impressed.  It made me think of how the body of Christ should work.  Everyone has a role.  God has a game plan for each of us.  We all need to do our part.  Plant a seed and kick the ball to another player for the harvest.  We have teachers, preachers, prayer warriors, comforters, encourager's, etc. etc.  Everybody has a place, an importance.  
     Then it happened.  The giants came onto the field.  The other team somehow appeared much larger than the kids on our team.  Wait!  This isn't fair.  One of those little boys keeps shoving kids on our team.  As a gramma I threatened to go find his gramma and sit next to her. I would probably just pray for her if I would have found her.  Suddenly it wasn't as fun to watch those kids play.  Their team work fell all to pieces.   It was nice to practice, warm up, be a great team, just like in the body of Christ, but we don't like to admit there is an opposing team.  Some of us deny the other team even exists.  Others of us blame everything on the other team.  But we have to remember who wins.  Even though we know who wins we still need to participate and do our part.  We have the best coach. 

“Have you ever wondered why you did not rapture and go to heaven the day you became a Christian? It is because God has work for you to do here on earth! Having gone to heaven, Jesus expects you to be his body on earth. You are his hands, his feet, his voice.”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ

Promise or circumstances?

“In many cases, our need to wonder about or be told what God wants in a certain situation is nothing short of a clear indication of how little we are engaged in His work.”
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God

     I was wrong.  God is not in my recliner with the remote, waiting for me to pack the truck.  He's in the truck telling me I have all I need.  I'm rummaging around in the bottom of the closet looking for a pair of shoes I haven't worn in 12 and a half years, just in case I need them.  I have noticed when I don't listen to God, He speaks louder and keeps repeating Himself until that "Duh" moment knocks me over.  Shoot, this time He was honking the horn.  I keep asking Him what I am supposed to be doing next and He keeps telling me, but circumstances tell me otherwise.  He made me a promise about my future and this is part of it.

     We have all done this, I'm sure.  We feel like we have a word from God on what we are to do, but when circumstances come up against us, we decide we must have misunderstood.  Who wins that one?  We have to be close enough to God to know when He gives us instruction so that when circumstances (the enemy) lie to us, we know the truth.  We need to throw our promise at our circumstances, not the other way around.

   So here is what happened.  Dave and I have decided it is time to tell my story.  When we first talked about it, he mentioned October, then later he said something about the end of November.  I'm having a heart attack.  The longer we wait the more time I have to think about every negative thing that could happen.  When I pray God is telling me to tell my story and finish my book.  That's all He talks about.  When I woke up the other morning to an email from Dave suggesting January, I about came unglued.  My life on hold until January?  I kept telling myself "God's Timing" not mine, but God kept telling me the time is now.  The other thing God kept repeating, "Challenge Dave".  What's that mean?  Dave is bigger then me.  He knows more than me.  He has to know God's will.  Right?  He's a pastor.  I felt totally trapped between God and His promise and Dave and his schedule.  Challenge Dave?  "Have you met Dave, God?"

   My solution, unplanned solution: Rage at Dave.  Followed immediately with guilt when Dave explained what he was trying to do.  Work with me, not against me.  What a concept?  One I hadn't thought of.  Oops.  This morning I plugged in a CD of Graham and all he talked about was stepping out, moving forward, not letting circumstances change our belief in what God has said to us.  We always have a green light with God so go unless He Himself gives us a red light.  I knew God was using Graham to talk to me.  So as I drove to church this morning I told God He was going to have to talk to Dave.  Of course He immediately responded with, "You talk to Dave."  Hmmm.

     A lot of times when I sit in church The Holy Spirit talks to me, but today, I really felt like it was Jesus talking.  I know, some people think I'm nuts, but I felt Jesus in the chair next to me with His arm on the back of my chair.  I was pretty sure the men in white coats were going to show up with a pretty new jacket for me.  Jesus began pointing out people and explaining how much bondage they were in.  One man He said was completely free.  Then He pointed out an elderly man in a green shirt, obviously alone.  "Will you tell Him I love him?"  I watched the man for quite awhile and after a little back and forth with Jesus, I agreed.

     After the service I approached Dave and asked him if he knew the man.  I guess I was hoping he would tell him, but no such luck.  Dave and I had a conversation and worked everything out.  What struck me funny about the whole thing was all the stress I had been going through over it, and there he stood chomping on almonds like it was no big deal.  Then I noticed the man in the green shirt heading for the door still alone.  I told Dave I had to go and followed him.  I introduced myself and told him exactly what Jesus wanted me to tell him.  He nodded.  He knew it.  But at least I passed the test.  So we strolled out to the parking lot telling each other a little of our stories.  I liked him immediately.  He seemed to enjoy the interest I showed.   I decided we could be good friends when he asked if I went to school here in town.  I have to stop dressing like a fourteen year old boy.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

     

"mits"?

“Lack of interest in mission is not fundamentally caused by an absence of compassion or commitment, nor by lack of information or exhortation. And lack of interest in mission is not remedied by more shocking statistics, more gruesome stories or more emotionally manipulative commands to obedience. It is best remedied by intensifying peoples’ passion for Christ, so that the passions of his heart become the passions that propel our hearts.”
― Tim Dearborn, Beyond Duty: A Passion For Christ, A Heart For Mission

     I guess I have a problem with my "mits".  I didn't realize this until it was pointed out to me.  Okay, I wouldn't ad"mit" it until I was forced to.  Once you ad"mit" you are forced to make a decision and either ignore (not recommended) or com"mit" to change.   Or would that be sub"mit" to change?  Are you starting to get the picture?  I think there are quite a few of us "mit"less characters in the world today.  I think it's doing damage.  Besides admit, commit, and submit, I also have issues with li"mit".  I've never had any.  I've never learned to set my own.  

     Because I have a love for words and their origin, I decided I needed to figure out the meaning of "mit".  I thought it had something to do with "keeping my "mits" off of things that don't belong to me", but maybe not.  Maybe other people know this stuff off the top of their heads, but I had to do some research.  Because everything online is true (ha), especially if you "Google" it (double ha), that's what I did.  Mit comes from "mission".  That can't be good.  But it makes sense.  Commit - Com means together and mit means mission.  Commitment is a together mission?  Okay.  I looked up mission:

     1. a specific task or duty assigned to a person or group of people (their mission was to irrigate the desert)
     2. a person's vocation (often in the phrase mission in life)

     Now what? I have a problem with my mission? Of course I do. I've never had one. Not a life mission anyway.   Maybe this is why God keeps bringing up my "mits"?  I am going to have to learn to admit, commit, submit and set limits.  

     Sometimes we have to look at the positive.  I have been called a hermit.  I'm successful with that "mit" but I'm trying to give that up.  Maybe I just need to change my "mits"?  I'm learning to transmit my feelings and such.  I have learned to permit God to run (most) of my life.  And there is no reason to talk about vomit.
     So God is stressing my "mits"  I think He is telling me that these are all part of having a successful mission.  This morning, I'm feeling held back and I think He is telling me to show Him how serious my commitment is.  We all say we want to make a difference, but then we sit back in our recliners with our remotes and wait for God to pack the truck.  We want it loaded with everything we will need and idling in the driveway before we put our shoes on.  Preparation is a huge part of a mission.  I think God is sitting in my recliner waiting for me to pack the truck.  


“the whole Bible is itself a missional phenomenon. The writings that now comprise our Bible are themselves the product of and witness to the ultimate mission of God. The Bible renders to us the story of God's mission through God's people in their engagement with God's world for the sake of the whole of God's creation. The Bible is the drama of this God of purpose engaged in the mission of achieving that purpose universally, embracing past, present and future, Israel and the nations, "life, the universe and everything," and with its centre, focus, climax, and completion in Jesus Christ. Mission is not just one of a list of things that the Bible happens to talk about, only a bit more urgently than some. Mission is, in that much-abused phrase, "what it's all about.”

― Cristopher J.H. Wright

Jesus loves you...yeah you!

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
― C.R. Strahan

     Some people find it strange, but I really don't like too be labeled as a survivor.  To me it's making my life all about surviving.  I am also a Mom, Grandma, Friend, and many other things.  Shaking off the victim role is not always easy, because it is so ingrained that we don't even realize we are thinking that way.  I recently found out, I am a "Why Baby".  This is not a compliment.  Asking God "Why?" puts us in a victim mentality.  We should ask, "What is this about?" and "What can I do to align my will with Yours?" according to Graham Cooke.   Makes sense, even if it hurts a little.
     I had turned off the computer and was getting very close to crawling into bed when God started talking.  I asked Him why He always waits until I'm wanting to go to sleep to talk to me.  His reply: "Why do you always wait until you're tired to listen?"  I think God has a great sense of humor.  I must sleep, therefore I must write.  He won't let me get one moment of shut eye until I write this out.
     A very well respected friend once said to me, "All abusers were abused, but that doesn't mean all victims of abuse turn around and abuse."  Well, on a Higher Authority, I have to disagree.  I believe without healing all abuse victims abuse.  We hear about the child molester who was molested.  The parent who beats his or her children because they were abused.  We don't talk about the self abusers.  People who were abused, but have the sense, heart or just "know not to" abuse others, turn it inward.  They abuse themselves with addictions, by not taking proper care of themselves.  There are cutters, anorexics, over eaters, verbal self abusers etc. etc.  One might think it is not fair to put these people in the same category as a child molester, but God said, "They are doing damage to my child, whether that child be some one else or themselves."  I'm not going to argue with that.
     What I am going to do is tell all of you who have abused, others or yourselves, (the twinge in your gut is the Holy Spirit getting your attention.)  God does not want to talk about your sin.  As He looks down on you right now, He has no interest in that sin, you are forgiven, it is finished.  What He does want to talk about, what He does want to show you is who sees when He looks at you.  You are His child.  There is nothing you can do to make Him stop loving you.  You are His beloved.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  He has a plan for you.  You have purpose.  Ask Him to show you and He will.

     The most amazing thing to me in my walk with God is His kindness.  Every time I approach Him and begin to talk about the sin I have committed and all the things I have done wrong, He changes the subject and starts giving me pictures and words about who I am in Him and what His plan is for me.  Sometimes when I pray with my hands stretched out, palms up, I can feel the weight of His hands in mine.  At first I questioned, but now I just believe.  He showed me.

“God doesn't require us to succeed, he only requires that you try.”
― Mother Teresa

“He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less.”
― C.S. Lewis

“And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Pig Pen?

“The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up.”
― John C. Maxwell

     God gave me a picture.  I love it when He does this, because it makes the complicated things simple.  Remember Pig Pen on the Charlie Brown cartoon.  Well, similar to him, as we refuse to deal with our feelings they grow into a dust storm around us that goes everywhere we go.  Unresolved anger, unforgiveness, sadness, etc. swarms around us in a dust storm, getting on people who get near us and leaving a dirty trail every where we have been.   It grows because we don't deal with it.  We numb ourselves with addictions, escaping temporarily from the dust in our eyes, nose and hair.  People see it no matter how we ignore it and don't really want to get close to us, unless they have a dust storm of their own.  Then the two join to make a huge swirling destructive mess.  We can't see anyone else through the storm of feelings we are hidden in.  We act like there is no dirt in our eyes.  Everything is fine.
      One of the signs of a Pig Pen is a blamer.  It's not my fault.  Everyone else has caused this dust storm around me and I, the victim, am stuck having to deal with it.  A Pig Pen talks a lot, not allowing others to speak because they just might point out that it's not healthy to live in a dust storm.  It becomes comfortable to be hidden away in the dust.  One of the biggest signs of my emotional immaturity was the angry outbursts.  It's difficult for people to see a knife coming at them when you throw it from inside a dust storm.  But it's also difficult to see the things and people around us clearly when our vision is obscured by flying emotional debris.
     We can't be like Samantha on Bewitched and wrinkle our nose and the dust storm disappears.  We have to break it down and deal with each feeling.  For instance, when I started dealing with the first abuser, I couldn't just deal with the feelings about being molested.  We try to clump our hurts together.  I know a person who made a mistake years ago who is still walking through steps of healing.  He has been an example to me in that this takes time.  So when I started I only dealt with the fact that I had been molested at 7 years old.  I had to deal with several different issues one at a time that were caused by this.  To name a few:
1. My innocence was taken
2. It damaged my ability to trust
3. Self worth was damaged
4. I had to deal with my feelings about the other little girl and feeling like I should have protected her.
5. The fact that he said my parents knew and were okay with it.  (This was whole set of issues on its own)
6. He said God wanted it to happen (This was huge.) 

     This may seem overwhelming, but actually breaking it down makes it easier.  It's like cleaning your house one room at a time.  Each one is an accomplishment all by itself and it gives us the drive to tackle the next room.  The reward in dealing with your feelings is when you realize the pain has actually developed a lie.  For instance: In dealing with the feeling of no value, I found out I have value.  To believe that a big mean God stood with his back turned, wanting it to happen was extremely damaging and painful, but the picture of it now is totally different.  God didn't want it to happen, He was telling him not to, just like he has told me not to do things that I have done anyway.  (Free will)  He was more sad then I was, because not only was He hurting for me, but He was hurting for the one who hurt me.  And in the end, He has turned it for good.  
     In the process of growing and knowing Christ, I have had to do it through my head.  I had to start there because in my head I could hear the truth and make sense of it.  My heart on the other hand was too damaged.  My ability to feel correctly was all out of whack.  My ability to love and to accept love interfered with my perception.  Fear, hurt and good ole pain ruled my heart.  Once I had the truth in my head, there was a new process to begin and that was moving it to my heart.  
     I am in the process of growing my feelings of love until it pushes the other feelings down to the size they should be in a healthy emotionally mature person.  The more we fill our hearts with love the less room there is for the ugly stuff.  This is called growing up.  I have been amazed at times by the mature.  For instance when a couple I know lost there young son, not only did they get up and speak encouragement to all the people at his funeral, but instead of curling up in a ball of self absorbed pain they were busy comforting others.  Now I'm not saying we shouldn't feel the pain, what I'm saying is to feel it and then move outside of ourselves.  This sounds almost impossible but from what I have seen, the healing comes quicker.  The dad in this situation said, "If I was going to be mad at God, who was going to comfort me?"  Amazing stuff.  I am definitely not there yet.  
     Joyce Meyer does this little skit often where she talks about the enemy winding her up like a toy soldier and then she moves around the stage repeating, "What about me.  What about me.  What about me."  When I first realized that I was a Pig Pen or Joyce Meyer robot, it was embarrassing, but now I understand.  It's all about me when I can't see outside of the dust storm of emotions and unresolved feelings growing, getting thicker all around me until I can't see anyone else but me.  I wasn't even seeing me clearly.  Recently I feel like I have cleared enough of the dust that I have found a whole new world, not the enemy's world, but a world where God is doing things.  I want to be a part of that.  The coolest thing about it?  God says He doesn't even want me to have my room completely clean before I can go out and play with His other kids.

"The Lord is absolutely convinced that the picture He has of you is the right one. It is more real to Him than the picture you have of yourself!" - Graham Cooke

In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat inn. 

Baggage or Luggage?

The gap between aspiration and achievement is always development.  Don't focus on what you lack.  If you see the difference as a discrepancy then you become that discrepancy, you become discouraged.  If you see the difference as your critical point of transformation then you can become encouraged. - Graham Cooke

    For many years I watched Joyce Meyer in the mornings to get me through the day.  She convinced me that I am a survivor.  Then God pointed me in the direction of Beth Moore.  I have read her books, watched her DVDs and listened to CD after CD.  She convinced me that I have value.  Now God has put Graham Cooke in my life.  I listen to him everyday and I am amazed at how God talks to me through him.  Not only have I survived and have value, but I am about to go out and kick some demonic butt.  This guy stokes me up.  He makes me want to march out into the world and smother demonic influence, beat the tar out of some evil spirits and to steal a line from Dave, push in some pillars.  I am repairing the tracks on my bulldozer.
     Graham compares our lives to a video game of all things.  We move from room to room picking up weapons to be used when we need them.  The rooms represent trials in our lives and the weapons represent the lessons we have learned and will use against the enemy.  He says we spend too much time worrying about what the enemy will take from us instead of planning what we can take from the enemy.  I plan on taking some serious stuff.  Graham said instead of carrying baggage, we should be carrying luggage with our weapons inside.  I like that.
     This lesson basically is saying the same thing as turn your pain into you promise.  Turn your misery into your ministry.  Beauty for ashes.  If you go back through your life you can see how all those trials have given you knowledge and strength.  Well, that's if you have emptied out the baggage and filled your luggage.
     When we look for value in our lives aren't we all saying the same thing?  What can I do to make someone else's life better.  Who can I make smile?  Who's burden can I help carry?  To lift people up, to love others,  isn't that where we get our real value.  Today I heard Graham say something that really struck me.  We focus on sin.  God doesn't.  God handled that problem with His Son's life.  Case closed.  He doesn't want us focusing on the dead man, but on the person we are becoming in Him.  We don't love our kids when they have grown into successful and happy, well behaved adults, we love them through the journey.  Our hearts hurt for them through trials.  We jump up and down with their successes.  Why wouldn't God?  He got that ugly sin out of the way, it's handled.  If we fall back into it once in awhile don't shrink back in fear of punishment, but move closer to God for comfort.  He knows how you feel about it and maybe telling Him will make you feel better, but then move on, move closer.


"For the Lord Jesus Christ's sake, Do all the good you can, To all the people you can, In all the ways you can, As long as ever you can." - Epitaph, tombstone inscription in Shrewsbury, England

True Reality?

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew

     I have learned the hard way in this modern day that written words can be easily misunderstood.  In emails, text messages, and books we are not able to see the body language or hear the tone of the writer.  I have a sarcastic sense of humor that has often been misread in my written messages.  I have to put extra effort in punctuation and wording.  Another thing I have found to be a challenge is that often times when I am asking a question, even of somebody sitting in front of me, it sounds more like a confident statement.  I sound like a "know-it-all".  

     This morning I was thinking about how one verse in the Bible can be taken different ways because there is no tone heard.  It is our own field of experience that forms the filter we hear through.  Let's take one verse: Ephesians 5:22.  Imagine Paul standing in front of crowd as he slams his fist on the table in front of him and in a deep, loud voice, his eyes cut through the crowd stopping briefly at every female, "Wives, submit to your husbands" he raises his hand gesturing toward heaven with a closed fist, and his voice gets louder, "as to the Lord."  I think I would be sneaking across the hall to see who was speaking in the next room, but this is how some of us hear this verse.  So what if Paul was standing in a group of people with his hands gently resting on the shoulders of the two women closest to him and in barely a whisper he says the same thing, "Wives, submit yourself to your husbands as to the Lord."  A little more inviting isn't it?  

     One of the things I have been most surprised by in the last year is the gentleness of Jesus.  When I really started listening to Him in prayer He always started out with a gentle, "I love you."  This was very uncomfortable at first, but I have grown to listen for it now.  I don't need to hear it every time I talk with Him, but He still says it and it still makes me smile.  As I have grown the filters on my ears (that should be on my mouth) have changed.  We can hear God's tone when He talks directly to us and only once in the last year have I heard a tone that told me He was not pleased with me.  I had verbally attacked Dave and the Lord said to me, in a very firm tone, "David is mine!"  After those words, that got my attention, He gently explained to me why I felt the need to attack.  He explained that I did not feel worthy of Dave's friendship, but He had put Dave in my life for a reason and I was to appreciate that and him.  I immediately apologized to Dave and our friendship actually grew.

     Our closest friends can, most of the time, hear our tone in our emails.  They know us well enough to actually hear our voices when reading something we have written.  I believe as you grow in Christ He reveals more of an accurate tone when we read His Word.  I also believe that when you first pick up a Bible and the enemy feels you slipping from his influence he slams a tainted filter on your ears so the Word does not sound like Love but more like condemnation, too high expectations and an unattainable life.

     I don't think it is only the Word that is influenced by our perceptions, but the spiritual world around us.  A lot of times when people hear about a spirit they think of some scary movie they saw as a child.  God is supernatural.  He is spiritual.  It is important for us to see that.  It is important for us to realize that there is spiritual warfare going on all around us.  We meander into church every Sunday thinking things like "I hope I get something out of this message.  I hope so-and-so doesn't sit by me."  We think about where we will eat afterwards and what we will watch on TV instead of being present in what is really going on around us.  That is the enemy distracting us and demons are only allowed into a gathering of believers if they are invited.  

     Church is not a building.  Church is us.  We used to meet in homes and other available places and I wonder if the church buildings exist today for non believers.  It opens a larger door for them to walk into a public place instead of the confines of a believers living room.  

     I have heard of people who see angels, though I have not been blessed to do so knowingly.  I have seen demons.  I have seen them as a dark haze and I have seen them as real faces.  I have had enough of a glimpse into the spiritual world to believe in it without any doubt.  I know and I believe we all need to know.  

     What if this Sunday morning you see walking into church in a new light?  His light.  We are the sons and daughters of The King.  What if we looked at it more as a gathering of royalty.  Imagine with me what I believe to be true.  We pull into the parking lot at church and a small team of angels run to our car to escort us safely inside.  They are not cute little cherub angels, but 7 feet tall dressed in white and armor?  On either side of the door of the church are posted Angels standing at attention.  They are there to keep uninvited demonic guests from passing through the doors.  We are busy straightening our clothes and wiping the noses of our babies not even aware of their presence.  Inside the door are two lines of angels with swords drawn over our heads as we enter the sanctuary.  What if as the pastor stands visiting with friends there are seven angels forming a have circle behind him with the points of their swords joined above his head?  They move only when he moves.  

     Then the unbeliever arrives with his band of demons and it only takes a look from the angel at the door and those the unbeliever is not hanging onto scurry away, afraid to pass through the door.  As they should be.  As the unbeliever hesitates the demons start talking to him, but the angels are threatening those demons.  There are times when I have passed through the door of the church and felt like I was safe.  I was in a place where nothing evil could touch me.  There have been other times when I have walked in knowing the demons were not only with but working over time to get me to leave or at the very least not listen.  Because of this, when I sit in church now I pray for the demons, all demons, mouths to be duct taped, their hands bound and the angels to boot them out the door.  I pray that all ears are opened, demonic filters removed and that the Holy Spirit's presence is felt by each person in attendance at this meeting of royalty.  I pray for eyes to be opened, that the pastor feels the presence of God, and that the message he speaks touches lives and plants seeds.  I believe the pastor's message can be heard differently by all those in attendance and I pray that each person hears what God intends them to hear.  Some times I am so immersed in praying for the people in the room that I have learned to watch the sermon again online to hear anything I may have missed.

     As we are escorted back to our cars it is like the dispatching of many ministers.  We are sent out with our own ministries.  We each have our own schedule of meetings with lives to be touched.  We are called.  The words we say help shape the filters on unbeliever's ears.  They help shade the glasses others see through.  Are we cleaning glasses or whispering lies into vulnerable ears?  Our words, our tone, our body language is a way to pass out hope to the hurting, encouragement to the broken and direction to the lost.

“You will always define events in a manner which will validate your agreement with reality.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Misery to Ministry

“I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.”
― Clint Eastwood

     The other day a friend said to me, "Some people have a weird need to talk down other groups to validate their own." This is so true. My eyes have been opened more than usual lately to discrimination and insecurity. Hmmm. Do I see a connection here?

     I have a friend who I adore.  I would love to be more like her.  Her life makes mine look like a game of "Tiddly Winks".  She was abandoned by both parents and lived with a grandmother who was not fond of her to put it mildly.  One day her grandma put an ad in the paper offering her and her sister and brothers to a good home.  She broke it to the kids by showing them the ad.  Every time I think of this, my heart bleeds for them.  To not give up her identity that is really all I can share, but the point is, her heart has been broken deeply and too many times.  But what does she do?  She loves.  She has a heart so big and full of love and compassion, I feel like a cold stone next to her.  When anyone needs anything, she is always there.  I could call her at 3 in the morning and she would come running.  (In her pajamas I might add.)  When I look at her, with my brain I understand her insecurity, but when I look at her with my heart, all I see is beauty radiating from the inside out and I'm jealous.  This is the better way to handle insecurity.

     There is another way.  Discrimination.  People have not only been discriminated against for their skin color, gender, and financial class, but I have seen people discriminated against because they are physically beautiful.  It's pretty obvious here that the discriminator has a little body shame.  I have seen people discriminated against because they are intelligent, they love easily or they give more than another thinks they should give.  I even heard the other night that prostitutes trying to break free of abusive pimps and change their lives are discriminated against by other battered women in shelters.  That one broke my heart.

     I can definitely tell a difference in how I am treated by the way I dress.  If I throw on sweats and a T-shirt, no make-up and tie my hair in a knot I am not treated as well as I am when I dress up.  I used to work for a man who was obviously another nationality and when he would take us all out for lunch, we were not treated as well as when we went without him.  This breaks my heart.  Mostly because he felt what we saw.    

     In school I was called "Hawk Nose".  I always planned that some day I would get a nose job.  It makes me laugh now, because me with any other nose would not be me.  And really, why would I spend all that money and put myself through all that pain for insecure people who look at me once in a while?  I can't even see my nose 99% of the day. That's an old insecurity I put away.                      

     We have all watched the news after a catastrophe.  The one that comes to my mind for some reason is the Oklahoma City Bombing.  I remember seeing people helping each other, holding  and comforting.  They were all equal.  I am not discriminating here, when I say I can only imagine that CEO's were helping janitors get the medical attention they needed.  A catastrophe like that makes us all equal.  Really.  If you were drowning or caught in a burning building, would you care what color skin the person had who came to help you.  Would you care that they were divorced, had an affair, live with their boyfriend while claiming to be a Christian?  What would it look like if the people sitting on the curbs with bloody rags held to their wounds started moving through the crowd of injured people and poking them in their wounds?  That's what we are doing in an insecure world when we discriminate or judge others.  We all have wounds, we have all made mistakes, we all need to be loved.

     So what this all comes down to is really simple.  The devil lies to us.  He hurls emotional and physical sticks and stones to convince us that we are less than.  The last thing he wants us to be is a confident child of God.  He doesn't want us to know we are loved.  The insecurities we face, the hole in our heart can only be healed by the love of Christ.  There is no human that can truly completely fill that void.  I see lots of believers who know how great God is and they worship Him with all their hearts, but still don't realize they are loved by Him.  We are all given the grace and love and forgiveness wrapped up in His blood.  All we have to do is accept it.  The greatest commandment is to love God with all of you and love your neighbor as yourself.  That doesn't mean to discriminate against them because of the lack of security you have in yourself.  

     You can see the insecurity in people.  We all try to hide it in our material possessions, our laughter, our bragging, name dropping and in our eyes.  And sadly in our judgement of others.  As my friend does all the time, lift them up, don't beat them down further.  Maybe Jesus is too big and intimidating for an insecure person to approach, so be a little Jesus they can identify with.   Then make the introduction.  It only takes love and a few letters to turn misery into ministry.

“If you are not royalty, He is not King.”
― Beth Moore