Beloved

Romans 13:8-11

King James Version (KJV)

⁸ Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
⁹ For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
¹⁰ Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
¹¹ And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.
 

     Many years ago, a young girl wandered aimlessly in a land called Lost.  She was searching for her family that she did not know.  At night she hid in the shadows and by day she searched.  Many times she was attacked and beaten by the Dark Men, a gang of wayward souls.  Every time she felt she could go on no longer, someone would always come to her with food and water, they would bathe her, provide her clean clothes and send her back on her way.  The years went by and her determination came and went with them.  She grew tired and weary and unsure about her desire to find her family.  Maybe she was not meant to be loved.     As she wandered through the darkness, late one night she fell into a pit where she would stay for some time.  It was too deep to climb out on her own.  Maybe her life had no meaning.  Maybe this was where she would go to sleep and never wake up to wander again.  Years ago she had heard of a King in a land called Peace.  This King loved His people beyond reason.  He gave them things they had not earned and always made sure they were fed and cared for.  As she slept one night, near starvation, she dreamed of the land of Peace.  She saw the King in her dream and she asked Him if He was real to send some one for her.  She explained that she was lost searching for her family and had fallen in the pit and was about to die.  In her dream the King touched her cheek gently and said, "I will never leave you."
     She woke the next morning hungrier and more tired, but found herself smiling from the dream she remembered.  As she closed her eyes and thought about the King's promise, she heard a voice.  She opened her eyes and looked up and there on the edge of the pit was a shepherd boy.  He was facing away from her, totally unaware of her presence.  At first she couldn't speak, she stared, wondering if this boy had been sent by the King she had seen in her dream.  She barely pushed her voice from her lips, "Will you help me?"
     He spun around to look down at her, "How did you end up in there?"
     "It was dark and I couldn't see where I was going."
     "You will not survive down there you silly girl.  Let me help you out and I will take you to my Father and He will care for you."  He threw down a rope, but instead of waiting for her to climb out, he climbed down into the pit and carried her out.  He led her to the creek to bathe while he prepared a meal for her over the fire.  As she let the water take the dirt from her body she wondered about this boy's father.  She had been hoping for the King, but maybe she was not worthy. 
     She liked the shepherd boy instantly.  He was funny and he was kind.  His words were not harsh, like the Dark Men and she found herself trusting him as she felt safe.  She followed him with only an occasional wave of fear that maybe this was a trick.  The fear that maybe he was one of the Dark Men would grip her throat, but his kindness would free her again. 
      After many days of following him the shepherd boy brought her into a land so beautiful it brought tears to her eyes.  He pointed to a castle far in the distance and said, "There, there is my Father's house.  He will be so happy to see you.  He will adopt you and love you like He did me.  I had fallen in a pit when He found me."  The boy stood still, looking off toward the castle and tears filled his eyes as he remembered and told her about the day the King himself had reached down and lifted him out of his pit.
     "Your Father is a King?"
     "Yes.  He is your Father too.  He adopts anyone who comes to Him and asks with an honest heart.  He loves each one as much as the others.  He will change your life and make it better.  He made me a shepherd and I watch over many of His sheep."
     She was afraid.  She felt that if the King saw who she really was, He wouldn't want her.  She had nothing to offer Him.  She thought many times of turning around as she followed the shepherd boy toward the castle, but something kept drawing her so she moved forward.  When they arrived at the castle, the shepherd boy seemed to walk faster, excited to see his Father, but she found herself holding back.  When he disappeared around the corner she panicked.  She slowly peered around the wall to see the shepherd boy standing in front of the King.  The King was so beautiful it took her breath away.  She could only stare as she recognized Him from her dream.
     When the shepherd boy noticed she was no longer following, he waved at her to come closer, "He want's to talk with you."
     She shook her head "no" in fear.  He was too magnificent for her to approach.  She wanted to turn and run, but something held her there. 
     The King handed the shepherd boy a box and he brought it to the girl, "Here, our Father wants you to have this.  He has many other gifts for you.  He told me He adopted you many years ago, but you ran off.  He has forgiven you and wants to start over new, with a clean slate."
     "Okay, but I am too afraid to go near Him.  He is so big and beautiful and I am so dirty."
     "When you are ready I will take you to Him."
     The shepherd boy took the girl to the room where she would stay.  Each day she would get a little closer to the King, but she always kept a safe distance.  The King would write things on little pieces of paper and hand them to the shepherd boy and he would give them to the girl.  The messages were all about how much he loved her and wanted her to stay with Him and be His daughter.  He promised to never leave her.  She would take each note and hide it away in the box He had given her the day she arrived.  The shepherd boy called the notes, The Truth. 
     One day, as the girl came around the corner of the King's throne room she saw the shepherd boy talking with their Father.  When he noticed her, he got down on one knee and motioned for her to come closer.  "It's safe.  He wants to show you how much He loves you.  Come closer."
     She decided to risk it.  She began meeting with the King everyday.  He would tell her things that explained her past and who she was.  He asked her one day what her name was and she began to cry.  "I don't know who I am.  All I know is that I was lost and it was dark and people hurt me.  All I ever wanted was a family.  All I wanted was to come home.  I just never knew where home was."
     The King reached down and took her face in His big hands, "You are home with Me and I will call you, Beloved.  That is who you are and it will never change."
     They spent every day together.  She learned to laugh.  She learned she could tell the King, her Father anything on her mind.  He taught her many things.  Eventually she worked up the courage to climb into His lap and He rocked her for hours while she let go of the tears she had been holding onto for many years. 
     The relationship she had with the shepherd boy changed.  She saw him less and less.  When they did see each other, anger rose up in both of them.  No matter how they tried, they seemed to only hurt each other.  He spent many hours in the fields with sheep and less and less time with the King.  When He did come to the castle he only talked with the King about his sheep and listed all the good things he was doing in the fields.  As, Beloved sat in the King's lap she wondered why the shepherd boy would never join her.  He seemed angrier every time she saw him. 
     One day when she was talking with the King, she asked, "Why is the shepherd boy not happy?  Did I do something wrong?  I don't understand why we get so angry at each other."
     The King's eyes filled with tears.  "He has never sat in my lap.  He gets very close to me, but he doesn't know it's okay.  I invite him, but he is afraid."
     "Why is he afraid?"
     "Because long ago when he was very young there was a group of boys who were very mean to him.  They used to call him names.  They were jealous of his gifts.  He used to fight often, trying to prove his strength.  He was not born to fight.  I gave him wisdom, compassion, empathy, and many other gifts, but he still feels unworthy because those names the boys called him scarred his soul.  He protects that part and won't let me touch it."
     "I didn't know he was so wounded."
     "Yes.  He keeps himself so busy with his flock that he doesn't take the time to eat and rest like he should.  I have sent a messenger many times inviting him to come, sit in my lap and let me heal that deepest wound, but he always has a reason why he can't come.  It's always a wounded sheep, a lost shepherd or a wolf he is fighting off that keeps him from fully joining me."
     "That's sad."  The King wiped her tears from her face and began to rock her, but on her shoulder, she felt the warmth of her Father's tears falling for the shepherd boy. 

     Time went by and Beloved struggled as the Father showed her more and more Truth, but she knew she was healing so she moved forward.  When the shepherd boy would come to the castle to report to the King all he was doing, she avoided him.  Occasionally they would see each other and it would usually end with her screaming at him.  He would tell her that she was doing things wrong, that he knew the Father longer than she did and he knew the ways to talk with Him and spend time with Him.  The shepherd boy rarely said kind words anymore and on top of it, she caught him flirting with the maidens in the garden.  She knew the King would not be pleased, because he had told the shepherd boy not to even step into the garden.  Beloved didn't tell the king what the shepherd boy was doing, because her behavior would not please Him either.  For she had been flirting with the shepherd boy.  She also knew that he was being mean to the sheep.  He would yell at them and shove them and then feel bad.  Because he felt so bad after, no one wanted to tell the King.  The turmoil she was in kept her from climbing into the King's lap and soon she was interacting with the King like the shepherd boy.  She would only talk with Him about other's behavior and the things she wanted to do. 
     One day the king called for her.  He invited her to sit on his lap and she wanted to desperately, but she was afraid.  She was tired of the secrets and hurting from the fights with the shepherd boy.  She finally surrendered and climbed into His lap.  "I've been bad.  I can't stop fighting with the shepherd boy and I think he hates me now.  He yelled at me like never before and I was scared."
     "I know.  I know everything that has happened between you.  I know your pain and I know his and I love you both today as much as I did the day you each came to me.  Now, go and get the box of Truth I gave to you."
     Beloved ran to her room and got the box.  The tears came with the fear that the Father was going to take it from her.  She was afraid He would send her back out into the Land of the Lost and she would never know the feeling of sitting in His lap again.  When she returned to the King with the box she stood at His feet and held it out to Him.  He took it from her and set it down on the arm of His chair.  Then he reached down and picked her up and set her in His lap.  
     "I want you to go to the shepherd boy.  You will go to the field where he tends the sheep."
     She burst into tears.  "Am I not allowed to live in the castle any longer?  Do I have to go out and live with the mean shepherd boy?"
     "No.  You will always be welcome in the castle as long as it is where you choose to live.  But, the shepherd boy is in trouble and I have sent many messages to him, calling him to come back to me so we can heal the situation, but he only send messages back avoiding the topics I want to discuss."
     "I am afraid of him.  I don't want to see him.  I am just a young girl, how can I be of any help to you?"
     "I chose you because you are like him.  Your temper runs the same, because your hurt is the same.  You share weaknesses and strength.  You see the good and the bad in each other.  It is through a person of the same wounding that the healing begins.  That is why I sent him to get you out of the pit."
     "You sent him?" 
     "Of course I sent him, just like I am sending you to him now.  He is your brother.  You are his sister."
     "I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say."  The fear was rising up in her and she felt overwhelmed and out of control.  "I am in no position to discipline the shepherd boy.  I am as guilty of bad behavior as him.  I don't understand.  Did you forget who I am?"
     "Did you forget who I Am?  I see you forgot who you are.  You are my Beloved.  The nights in the darkness, the attacks of the Dark Men have prepared you.  It is the Dark Men who are tormenting the shepherd boy.  He doesn't see them.  They come in the night and tempt him.  They come by day and stir up his flock.  He believes he is the bad one, so he puffs out his chest and works hard to prove he is not.  He cannot prove what he does not know.  He should have come to me long ago.  I see what he is doing.  There is nothing he can hide.  As he found you in your last day in the pit with death finding it's way to you, you will find him.  Though he does not realize how close to death he is.  I cannot allow him to shepherd any longer in this way.  He has to be brought back to the castle, climb into my lap and confess, so that I can heal his wounds.  You must bring him to Me."
     "But we have been fighting.  How in the world would I ever convince him to follow me back here to the castle?"
     The King reached over and picked up the box of Truths.  He lifted the lid to show Beloved that the Truths had been turned to Living Water.  "Beloved, I want you to wash his feet with the Truth as he did yours when you were brought from the pit.  He will only follow you if you show him love.  Anger and hate will always turn others away."
     "I can't.  I don't know how."
     "Do you love me?"
     "Yes, and I want to obey you no matter what.  I... I want... I will."
     "He might hurt you, he may be angry Beloved, but he cannot take your life.  Your life belongs to me.  You must walk in love."
     "Okay.  I will.  I am his friend and I do love him."  She felt sick and her hands trembled.  She cuddled up to Him and He wiped the fear from her. 
     "I enjoy our time together as much as you, but nothing good is done for the Kingdom unless you step out.  Beloved, I go with you and I can hear your voice when you cry out to me.  If you listen, you will hear mine and I will instruct you."
     "Why don't you send someone who is bigger and wiser?"
     "He knows your heart.  He knows you.  You both care deeply for each other or the anger wouldn't get so big."
     "Are you going to take his sheep from him and not allow him to be a shepherd anymore?"
     "If I have to, but it is his choice."
     "Why do you give him a choice?"
     "I will not force him to love me and trust me or it wouldn't be real."
     "What will you do to him?"
     "He is like a withering tree, no longer producing fruit, barely any green left on him and I have placed a rain cloud above him that will bring life back into him and he will grow bigger and stronger than he ever was.  I will give him flocks he did not earn.  But, their is a web of lies reaching up from the ground that the Dark Men have planted around him and they go clear up to that cloud and hold it hostage.  Once you wash his feet in the Truth and he rises up to walk in it, the lies will be destroyed and the favor will rain down on my shepherd boy."
     "You love him don't you Father?"
     "Very much.  Now you must go.  The Dark Men will try to stop you, but you know them and in the land of Peace you have authority over them.  You tell them to go in the name of the most High King and they will have no choice but to leave."
     Beloved scrambled down off her Papa's lap and gathered up the box.  As she headed for the door, she hesitated and slowly turned back to look at the Father.  "What is the shepherd boy's name?"
     "He is my Beloved also."
     "What do I do if the Dark Men try to take him with them?"
     Just then a loud clap of thunder startled her and she looked toward the door in fear.  When she turned her attention back to the King she saw anger in His eyes for the first time and in a booming voice He said, "You tell them, the shepherd is MINE."
                     to be continued


Isaiah 9:4-5

New International Version (NIV)

4 For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.
5 Every warrior’s boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

Here Kitty Kitty

"Plenty of highly charismatic leaders have bombed out and failed because they lacked character, which trumps charisma every time. You don’t have to have charisma to be a leader. You do have to have character, credibility, because leadership is influence and if you don’t have credibility nobody is going to follow you...

Leaders come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. There is no one particular leadership personality. In fact, there are many. You don’t have to be outgoing to be a leader. God wants to use your personality. Paul was a choleric. Peter was a sanguine. Moses was a melancholic. Abraham was a phlegmatic. They are as different as night and day. God used them all." - Pastor Rick Warren

     I saw a picture a while back of an ordinary house cat looking in a mirror.  The reflection the cat saw was that of a lion.  This is what Jesus is talking to me about this morning.   We were made in His image and when we look at each other and ourselves that is what we should see, a reflection of Christ.  But, in our brokenness if we were to stand before a mirror and see Jesus standing there we would immediately begin running down the list in our minds of all the reasons we are not like Him. 

This morning He brought a couple verses to mind.

Matthew 10:22
22 And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved.

 John 14:6
6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

     

     Imagine yourself standing in front of a full length mirror and the reflection of Jesus staring back at you.  He is the Truth.  We begin measuring and with the Truth staring us in the face we hate our shortcomings.  Is this why the unbeliever hates Christians?  Because they see us standing in front of that mirror, a reflection of Jesus, while the enemy is screaming out our shortcomings.  Like Gandhi says, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”  I believe many people fall away from following God because they stand in front of this mirror and it's just too big.  Like the house cat, we start a list, I'm small, I have no mane, I don't know how to roar, I can't control my anger, I am judgmental, I am an addict and so on and so on. 
     I believe God knows this is just too big for us, so what He does is He places people in our lives with the same shortcomings.  Hate is a strong word, but I think I have to use it here.  What we hate in those around us warrants a look into a mirror.  For instance, if some one we know is always judging others in our eyes and we hate that truth about them, is it because we judge?  Is it that true reflection of ourselves that we hate?  If we spot it, we probably got it. 
     Recently God has shown me a person He placed in my life who is a lot like me.  When I stand in front of this person like I am looking in a mirror, I see the same bruises, though they may be shaped a little different.  I see the same scars, though they may be located a little to the left or to the right.  I see the same demons stuck to them that are attached to me.  The things I hate, the things that make me so angry I want to spit, are the things I don't like in myself.  You have to see it, be it, feel it and then heal it.  The Truth will set us free only after we take these steps. 
     God's timing is amazing.  In this image, God allowed me to see this person as a child.  He showed me a picture of me as a child standing in front of this person as a child, with the same sad face.  There were differences, but it was the sameness that God lit up.  He wanted me to see me. 
     Last night, or should I say, early this morning, God allowed me to represent this person in a courtroom where the enemy was the accuser and Jesus was the defender.  This person was sitting with their back to the enemy in complete denial that he was even present.  This person was so stuck in anger, they couldn't see the truth, so stuck in the accusations and busy defending them self that they wouldn't allow Jesus to step in.  When I forced this person to turn around and see the enemy, they immediately scrambled to get behind me, but I picked them up and set them in Jesus' lap.  Then I faced the enemy.  As angry as I have been with this person, as hurt as I have been, I told the enemy that there was no way he was going to get them.  I felt authority and righteous anger rise up in me like never before.  I hurled down the accuser in Jesus name.  That's when Jesus whispered, "It is those broken pieces that you have in common that I am sending you out to defend against the enemy in my name."  When we step up to battle we are opening the alabaster box and pouring the perfume over His feet.  When we don't face the enemy and we allow Him to continue hurling accusations at us, we are refusing to wash the feet of Jesus.  We are His hands and feet.  We must wash each other's feet, because we are to be a reflection of Him and we are to wash an other's feet, because they are a reflection of Him.  We are to protect each other through intercessory prayer, because we are all a part of Him. 

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”
― Brennan Manning

Heart Buckets

“You think you want to know something, and then once you do, all you can think about is erasing it from your mind. From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees


     All my life I wanted to remember everything that happened to me.  I yelled at God that it wasn't fair other people, the bad people knew what happened to me and I didn't.  They knew what they had done and God took my memory like I was on their side, keeping their secrets for them.  It's funny that God has me work through things the opposite way than I usually choose.  I always start with the most difficult task first so the rest is all down hill.  He starts with the little, easy stuff and works up to the big stuff.  Sometimes He gives me more than one big thing at the same time though and that's what He has been doing to me lately.  But then He shows me the string or should I say sting that connects everything.  How one trauma from what seems like a thousand years ago, ties to the pain I am feeling now from something completely different finally makes sense. 
      The other day I asked Him to show me what He sees when He looks at me.  I saw myself as a newborn baby.  I heard him whisper, "Perfect and pure.  I love you."  Then He flipped through the pages of my life really fast and I saw myself grow and change through the years.  I saw a lot of ugliness done to me and that I had done, until finally I saw a picture of me in a white robe, with a crown and I was in heaven.  He said, "Perfect and pure.  I still love you the same from beginning to end,  no matter what happened in between."  Yeah, crazy right?  It messed me up. 
     You have to be prepared when you ask for visions and dreams, because they can get pretty wild.  Through a friend He reminded me of a red balloon from my past.  I had been through therapy and the counselor had me right all my fantasies about who my father was, or should I say who I wanted him to be.  I wrote them all on a helium filled red balloon and had to let go of it.  I thought it was a dumb idea, but when I let go, I panicked and tried to grab it again.  He said only He was all those things my father couldn't be for me.  Then He showed me a picture of a huge, red hot air balloon and said "I'm bigger than that."  He has a sense of humor. 
     It's like when we are born He produces this perfect baby out of clay that has not hardened and then life comes along and knocks us around so things aren't so perfect anymore.  The worst part is pieces of us get hard and stiff and resistant to change and pretty soon we are just a cracked up pot.  When we finally turn our lives over to Him one of the hardest, most painful things to do is to become pliable again.  We are in His hands now and He is reshaping, mending and healing us, but it is a challenge to stay pliable.  Many people over time don't even realize they have areas they won't allow Him to change.  Why?  Because it might hurt.  Healing is hard and it hurts and that is why not everybody is doing it.  We become pretenders.  See, focus on this one part of me that is doing well and you won't notice this hardened part of me that God is not allowed to touch.  Sometimes we use the excuse of "I'm just that way and I have to live with it.", when really we aren't ready to give up the gratification we get from it.
     Our hearts are the buckets of our souls where we keep what is given to us, so we can give it away.  Like love, you have to receive it to give it.  It's good for us that God gives us an endless supply from the get go if we only learn how to receive it.  It's like rummaging around in a junk drawer.  There is some good stuff in there.  I have spent a lot of times shuffling things around in the junk drawer, just sure I saw what I was looking for in there at one time.  That's what we do in each others buckets.  We expect them to give us stuff that they never had.  I think life would be easier if we went to each other like we do a store.  Hey, do you carry Twinkies?  Yes or no, and you move on.  You either pay the price for the Twinkies they do have or you move on to the next store and ask there.  But no, we spend years in relationships with people hoping they will provide us with something they just don't have.  As babies, God gives us parents, grandparent's, older siblings, etc. as bucket fillers.  They are supposed to fill our heart/buckets with all kinds of good things that we can pass out to others.  Love, compassion, grace, etc. etc.  For some reason I think I just heard Charlie Brown say, "All I got was a rock."  Hmm.  We have to be taught bravery and confidence or we don't have them as adults.  We have to be taught boundaries or we don't know how to set them up as an adult.  It's the same with respect, concern for others, and even common sense. 
     The world is becoming a planet full of people with empty heart/buckets.  We are all screaming and yelling at each other demanding things that we just don't have.  Healing takes going back and watching the movie of your life and figuring out what you got and what you didn't and even what was taken out of your heart/bucket by others and then asking God to replenish what is missing.  There were things I had once, but people took them.  Some times you ask somebody if they have Twinkies and they say they do, but once the picnic blanket is spread out and lunch has been eaten and your ready for dessert, you find out they don't have Twinkies at all.  They bring out some imitation cream filled yellow cakes that aren't even shaped right.  Then they get that look on their face and say, "These were cheaper, but I am sure they taste the same."  Well, get off my picnic blanket.  If I wanted cheaper cream filled yellow ROUND cakes, I would have asked if you had them.  It's like asking some one for love and they give you anger.  Instead of a safe hug, you get choked.  Then they look at you with that stupid face again, "I was squeezing."  Yeah, no kidding.  Thank You God for having everything I need and more. 


"Our healing is in His hands".

~R. Alan Woods

True Faith

 

 

 

" And the Glory of the Lord shall be revealed, All flesh will see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it.

"Those who will be trusted with the power and glory that I share with them in these times must not put their trust in the power or glory, but in Me. True faith is never in yourself, your wisdom, or the power I give to you. True faith is in Me.

"As you grow in the true faith that is in Me, you will grow in dependence on Me, and you will trust yourself less. Those who trust in themselves will not be able to carry the weight of My Power or Glory; they can fall because of it. My strength is made perfect in weakness, but you must never forget that in yourself you are weak, and by yourself you are foolish.

from 'The Call' - R. Joyner

 

“If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem. It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time; but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. -Speech at Clinton, Illinois, September 8, 1854.”
― Abraham Lincoln


     The first step in healing is trust.  You have to reach clear out of your comfort zone and trust somebody, one person, and start talking.  If you are damaged and need healing, trust is usually a huge issue.  You can love somebody without trusting them and you can trust somebody without loving them. 
     When we are born we have no choice but to trust.  Somebody is going to feed me, somebody is going to change me, I will cry and it will happen.  As we grow up we give different amounts of trust to different people and a lot of it is automatic.  You're supposed to trust your parents and grandparents and we do until they break it.  You are some what forced to trust your doctor because he has knowledge you don't have.  This doesn't mean you love your doctor, though I guess you can. 
     The deepest hurts all involve broken trust.  If your spouse has an affair and leaves you, crimes committed by complete strangers and abuse all involve trust.  The younger you are or the more severe the incident is the more trouble we have with trusting.  The enemy uses this against us.  How do you become a family with other believers if you don't have any trust.  A lack of trust keeps us isolated.
     As I look back, I have never fully trusted anyone.  Two years ago at my lowest, I gave God one more chance to prove to me that he was real and that I could trust Him.  I trusted.  I trusted 100%, probably more than I should have.  Yes, definitely more than I should have.  This has been the toughest two years of my life and it has been a roller coaster of emotion, pain, happiness and fear.  I know more about myself than I ever have.
     Through all of this where I stand now if I measure the trust I have in God, it's bigger, but to my amazement, not much.  The trust I have in people has gone up and down and all around and I am right back where I started.  I'm realizing, I don't trust anyone.   Half the world is out there being led around by the balls by satan.  no matter how good the heart is, of satan has the steering wheel you just can't trust anyone.  People lie.  People protect themselves.  I'm tired of getting beat up by the enemy.  I'm tired of people getting away with hurting others.  If I had a choice, I would not do this two years over and I'm tired of talking about it.  I tried, I trusted, it didn't work. I will not be writing here anymore.

More?

“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging 


     I made a commitment to write this blog for the person who sits down to read it and whatever words I have put on the page that reader hears "I get it."   It isn't always easy to share, but when I think I want my story back and I don't want to share it anymore, I always  hear about one of those people.  One who sat there in tears seeing themselves and knowing they are not alone.  So on days like this even though I just want to sit here and listen to worship music and be alone with God, He says "write it" and reminds me of someone who healed a little piece of their heart by some words I shared.
     Before I explain my day, I would like to share a song, the song I am listening to right now that brings tears to my eyes, because His presence is so big today.

 

 

      Today started out pretty typical. I had to watch my grandson this afternoon, but my morning was free, so I went to the Healing Rooms for prayer. I had nothing specific I needed prayer for, just direction. God has been showing me some big things these last days. Huge battles that a very important person in His kingdom is going through and I wanted direction in how to pray for this situation. 

     When I walked into the room, I was surprised that I did not know and had never met any of the three people in the room.  I have gone often enough and met a lot of the people.  I decided maybe this was a good thing, because they would have no idea who I was or anyone I might be talking about.  We went through some pretty typical things and I was getting stuff, nothing major, but that was okay.  Then the director walked in and asked me if something significant happened when I was 5 years old.  I knew immediately that what I had questioned and denied for years was true. 

     I knew in the back of my mind that there was more abuse and I was not wanting to look at it.  Immediately God gave me two faces.  I saw Jesus standing behind one of them and I knew that person had stepped up to protect me.  This woman walked me through it.  I accepted the truth.  The last time I had memory recall I was alone in my room with God and an email address to tell a friend at the time.  This was totally different.  I forgave right away.  Then we focused on what God wanted me to know.  He gave me a picture of Jesus as a boy by a creek and He was motioning for me to come and play.  He has things He wants to show me.  He never went into detail of the abuse, just that it happened and He wants to heal it, so I can move on, be free and set others free.  When He showed me the picture of me as a little girl when the abuse was taking place, I was hiding under the bed, something I still like to do, though not literally.  She asked me if I was ready to come out from under the bed and I said "Yes".  Then God gave me a picture of Jesus standing next to the bed and He reached His hand down, I thought to take mine in His, but instead He grabbed a hold of the bed and threw it off me.  All I had to do was stand up. 

      It's really strange to me, but I feel a real peace tonight.  Several times I have found tears running down my face, but it's not because of the truth of what happened, it's because of the truth that Jesus was right there waiting to set me free. 

     In the last weeks I have revealed things to people that I have kept secret, but there will be no more secrets in my life.  I have given names, I have shared what has happened, and I feel free.  I will not protect those who have hurt me any longer.  The truth is setting me free.  Now, I have no intention of ruining any one's life.  If an abuser came to me and talked it out and got help, I would never reveal the truth about them until they were ready, but sometimes the truth forces people into getting the help they need.  I want to see everyone free.  Yes, even those who have hurt me. 

 

“There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.”
― Brennan Manning

Object or Person?

“What we do comes out of who we believe we are.”
― Rob Bell, Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality 



Are you brave enough to watch this video?  Every man and every woman should.

   

Feeling Bubbles

“Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity 


     God never ceases to amaze me.  An hour and a half after my last post, I had to pull the earplugs and put the book away for awhile.  It was too much.  She talked about many of my little quirks that I don't talk about.  She was describing my feeling that I didn't realize I had.  An hour and a half into it, she starts talking about her visit with God in heaven while she was dead.  God wanted her to meet someone.  After I had made up that neat little analogy about the little girl, God had her meet ... guess who... herself.  Herself at the age she was when the abuse started.  Freaked me out.  I pulled the plug.  (The Kindle needed charging anyway.)

     One of the things she talked about that made me feel a lot better was doubt.  I doubt God exists all the time.  It would make more sense if I was crazy.  It would make more sense that I have multiple personalities disorder and that's why I hear all this stuff in my head.  That would make so much more sense and then I could take a little pill and get lots of sleep.  Over and over and over God proved to her that He existed.  She would say things all the time, like, "If it's really you, God." then she would lay out the if.  She told Him if He was real she wanted her twins to be a boy and a girl.  He did it.  Okay that could be a coincidence, but then she told Him what eye color she wanted each to have and ... He did it.  She did this over and over and it made me laugh, because I do it all the time.  Even after He has suspended a cloud in my front yard, stopped a cloud in front of the moon that had been speeding across the sky, made the phone ring, had other people confirm His words, etc, etc., I keep checking.  He keeps proving.  He is very patient with me.  I don't understand how a person can hear about Jesus, turn their life over, fall madly in love with Him, and never doubt his existence. 
     Then something struck me about feelings.  What if our feelings are like air bubbles anchored down under the water by the enemy's lies.  Every time we experience trauma we stuff all the feelings in the bubble and attach the string of lies that hold it under.  So the abuse bubble full of pain is anchored down with the lies that it was my fault, nobody cares, I am bad, nobody loves me, especially God.  All the feelings are stuffed under the water, out of sight.  We get in our little boat, mix a drink and sit back to relax like everything is okay.  Every once in a while we have to reach over the side and push a little bubble back down that seems to be getting too close to the surface.  Then Jesus decides to take a swim.  Yep, you get too close to Him and let Him in the water and the next thing you know He has His little Truth clippers out and He is cutting those little air bubbles loose.  It surfaces and pops and your feelings are all over the place.  What the heck? 
     He is nice about it though and cuts them loose only a little faster than you feel you can deal with them.  When everything calms down and you think you can relax, he cuts loose a really old one.  You think you have dealt with all the trauma and life will be more normal now, but no, Jesus is digging around in the seaweed looking for every last bubble.  He finds one of those first bubbles anchored away for safe keeping a long time ago.  It's been shoved down by the other bubbles all these years and that sucker is screaming to the top.  It's one of those you have to catch your breath when it almost comes up out of the water before it explodes.  What?  Where did that come from?  Shouldn't you be past that?  I thought I was.
     Then what if feelings are measured on a scale of one to ten.  A level one pain would be like stubbing your toe.  Okay, maybe that's a two.  Most of the population never experiences a level ten because it would likely kill them.  Let's say a three year old waits and waits for the ice cream truck and it finally arrives, he gets his ice cream cone sits down to eat it and BAM, it hits the ground.  The tears fly from his eyes and you can only sit and stare down his throat as his mouth is wide open to allow the overwhelming howl to escape.   This would be a level 4 feeling.  Now, gramma on the other hand, looks down at it, mumbles a word, picks it up, flicks off a little dirt and eats it.  Feeling level?  .5  Doesn't even reach a 1.  Same incident, but different feeling levels.  So, what if you get the little guy an even bigger ice cream cone?  His sad/anger level drops and his happy level rises to 5.
     We wonder how a God who is supposed to love us can allow a child to be abused, a person to be raped, a family member to be murdered, etc. etc., but what if the level of love, joy, peace and all the other good feelings in heaven are at level 1000.  You went through a painful divorce and even reached a 9 but when we get to heaven it's only good feelings and they are at such a high level that it erases any pain and even outweighs any happiness we could possibly feel here.  
     Okay, maybe isolation is doing weird things to my brain, but what if this is just a single scoop life and God has unlimited ice cream waiting for us?  Just sayin'.


“Does that mean,' said Mack, 'that all roads lead to you?'
'Not at all.' Jesus smiled as he reached for the door handle to the shop. 'Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”

― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity   

... and then God showed up

“Neglecting to ask God's counsel, neglecting to seek God's timing, you step in to *handle* things. And by and by, you've got a mess on your hands.”
― Charles R. Swindoll, Moses: A Man of Selfless Dedication

     Nobody, no matter how intelligent, how educated, or how much they talk to God, knows an other's battles.  Nobody knows the whole story.  This is why the only record I go by is God's.  He reminds me of what I have done right, what I have healed, before He ever brings up what is next.  I have learned to wait on Him.  He knows what is under the next layer of the onion and exactly what I will need to peel it away.  He is the only One with the whole picture, so He is the only One who can wrap His big hand around one of His kid's hands and pull out the nasty roots.
     Last night I knew it was God talking to me, because He brought up the strangest subject.  I don't remember why or when I realized that long after a person experiences trauma they can still feel the affects.  I have made a commitment to ask people how they are doing with a certain trauma after all the others have gone away.  One time years ago, a woman I worked with, but didn't talk to often, lost her teenage son and his friend in a drowning accident.  A year had gone by and nobody talked about it anymore, but I asked her how she was doing and told her I was still praying.  The woman typed out the  longest email about all her struggles and how people expected her to be over it.  She appreciated my one little question, "Are you okay?" more than she knew how to express in an email.  For God to bring this up, I felt he was saying to me that I am right where I need to be. 
     God then asked me a question, "How can you have such self loathing when you are a part of Me?"  Well, I got stuck on the "you are a part of Me".  I had never thought about it.  He is a part of me, but I am a part of Him?  I had this picture of this huge powerful God and there I was kind of meshed into His robes around His upper thigh.  (Left leg)  Ha.  Why His upper thigh?  I have no idea, but He didn't agree with it.  He said that is where I see myself. 
     We went on to have an amazing conversation that I am not willing to share, but his instructions for the next step in my life were to read a book.  I had opened an email earlier in the day where a woman was talking about a book.  The author had actually died and spent time in heaven with God. and then came back to life.  I closed the email, not having any interest in reading the book.  But, God brought it back to my mind and told me to read it.  I really didn't want to and I really didn't want to spend the money, but God kept talking and I found the audio book and also found I had a credit for a free one.  He thinks of everything.
     It was around two this morning that I began to listen to the book.  This woman's life story is so much like mine it blew me away.  The molestation, the abuse, the abandonment, the addictions, the teenage pregnancy and so on and so on.  There were differences.  She went through  some horrible things that I did not and she had some good things in her life that I did not.  The cool thing is the author was the one who read the story.  I don't know why, but I really like it when an author reads their own story.  When she spoke about things we both experienced, using her own words, I couldn't stop the tears.  Even talking about finding out she was pregnant as a teen brought tears to my eyes.  She could have been reading my story.  When you hear it in an other persons voice, the pain seems to be more real....the reality of it seems more real.  I remembered the fear, the confusion, feeling like God was punishing me, that He hated me.  Then she would skip forward and tell a little more about her experience in heaven.  I have to admit, I stopped the book and asked God to take me there.  Seriously, stop my heart, let me die, take me to heaven for just a minute and then send me back with a renewed outlook on this life I call mine.  I'm willing.  Come get me God.  Show me something. 
     He said I wasn't ready.  He said my heart is too broken to handle the love there.  I thought God could do anything?  He has His reasons and I won't even try to understand, but I did not get to go visit heaven last night, so I had to keep listening to the book.  I have been listening all morning and several times had to stop it because it was just too much.  I can't get over how much different the same stories sound when someone else is telling them. 
     The part I am at now, I can only listen to in small pieces.  She is at about the same place in telling her story that I am in living mine.  The point when everyone thinks you should have it more together.  That point when you question why your heart has not caught up with your brain.  It's really simple to understand how it happens.  It's like when your 101 year old grandmother is on her death bed and your head says, "She has lived a good life and it is time for her to go home.  She is old."  But your heart still says, "I know, but I want her here.  I will miss her everyday."  No matter how much you understand it is time for her to die, it still hurts.  Does your heart ever really catch up to your brain?
     Another way to explain it is the way I really feel right now.  My brain is the adult me and my heart is that little kid.  The brain built a wall around the heart so not only could no one touch her, but she wouldn't embarrass me, cause trouble, hurt people, get in my way, bother me or anyone else, and so nobody could see her.  She is dirty and ugly and all she does is sit there and look pathetic.  She cries.  I hate crying.  She wants attention and I just don't have that kind of time.  So what did God do?  Over the last two years He has had me tear down the wall.  First, I had to look at her.  That was the most painful experience and I don't care to go through it ever again.  Oh, I have cleaned her up some.  I have even let a couple people I trust, see her. (That was a mistake in some instances)  But, just like I feared, she got scared, freaked out and went back into hiding.  At this moment, I don't even want to deal with her.  She can stay hidden for all I care.  Sometimes I hate that kid.  I have things to do and don't have the time to baby her along.  I am just as tired of her as anyone else, but she doesn't just go away, because I will her to. 
     Now, God wants to talk about her and my hatred for her.  God wants me to look at her and forgive her and love her.  I want to put her up for adoption.  Even though her hair is combed and she has had a bath, the sight of her still makes me sick to my stomach.  I guess God's plan has something to do with me repairing this relationship with her.  It seems everyone thinks she should be dressed in a pretty little outfit and behaving herself and I agree with them.  She is a pain in my... got to go, she's crying again.  I'm going to lock her in the closet until she stops or Jesus comes to get us.

"And that is why I want to share my story with the world. Because I was a skeptic and a sinner, and I didn’t believe in God or in heaven. But God is real. Heaven is real. And God’s love for us is the realest thing of all." - Crystal McVea - Waking Up in Heaven: A True Story of Brokenness, Heaven, and Life Again    

Chains

"I seemed to hear God saying, "Put down your gun and we'll talk." - C.S. Lewis
     
     It's three in the morning and I'm wondering how in the world I got back to this place.  It's dark in the room except for the neighbors yard light shining through the door I left open looking for some cool air to help me breathe.  I'm hanging off the bed and really don't care if I fall off or if the drool slides from my mouth to be absorbed by the pillow.  What happened?  I thought if I followed You, God these nights were behind me.  I'm a lot like my grandma and she got to die peacefully in her sleep, what about it, God?  I'm not really doing any good here.  I just keep running around in the same circle, coming back to the same miserable place.  Are you there God?  Hello?
     I feel like a chained dog.  I get excited and take off running and BAM it happens again.  I hit the end of the chain and my feet come off the ground and I land on my back.  I feel the enemy's grip on my throat.  I don't get it.  All the other dogs seem to be running around with no problem, why can't I?  I run around in circles until I am all wound up in chain and then that bratty little neighbor kid comes over to untangle me and all I get is confused.  Go this way, go that way, move your foot.  Then he unhooks the chain, untangles me and I run for my life, BAM, on my back.  Apparently, he attached the chain again.  I must have missed that part.  He has to be the devil because he is laughing his ass off every time I land on my back.  I hate that kid.
     Where is my owner?  The One who feeds me.  You know the One we call God.  He shows up and pets me like I am His one and only and then it happens, every time. He starts walking and I follow.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do?  Follow?  I think I made it a little further this time and in the excitement I move a little faster and then, BAM!  That chain AGAIN!
     Okay, God, explain this to me.  Why can I only go so far?  Hello?  Are you there?  Then in the darkness, I hear a whisper, "You are tied to a pole."  What?  What pole?  Who put that pole there?  I can try to dig it up, but it's just buried too deep.  I could cut the chain, but what dog has cutters and how would I work them with these paws?  This is feeling pretty hopeless.  How do I take  out this pole? 
     First you have to know what the pole is made of.  Yep, the anger, the tears, the depression, is all just the paint job on the pole.  It's like looking at the symptoms and not the disease.  There is freedom and I can finally sleep, just knowing there is a pole and what it is made of.  I sit patiently by my food and water tangled up to my neck in this chain, stuck to close to the pole for comfort and I wait for God.  It's His job.  If He wants me to follow Him, He will have to untangle me, take out the pole and set me free.  Whimpering didn't seem to get His attention so I sit up, perk up my ears so I can hear Him really good and I wait.  And I wait.  And I wait some more.  Maybe He is allowing me time to accept the pole?
     I look around and there is a lot of space I could be running around in.  There are a lot of other dogs I could be playing with.  It's kind of scary.  Maybe tied up to this old pole isn't so bad.  Yeah, I believe He is giving me plenty of time to decide if I really want the freedom.  Maybe He would take it out if I wasn't wrapped so tightly around it, holding on for dear life. 

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis