The F word? Forgive

“In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feel like a decision to reward my enemy. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another.”
― Andy Stanley, It Came from Within!: The Shocking Truth of What Lurks in the Heart 



     That last post brought me into a few deep conversations that helped me to see this more clearly.  When God reminded me of the verse Daniel 9:24 that begins with the Seventy weeks have been decreed, determined, etc.  it didn't even register with me at the time that seventy weeks is 70 times 7.  It is about rebuilding.  Forgiveness is the root to rebuilding cities, nations and people. 
     After realizing this and some discussion, I wanted to learn more about what Jesus means when He says to follow Him.  Take up your cross and follow?  In our human minds we get a picture of one entity walking behind another, but when I looked up the word follow in Greek from the verse Luke 9:23 and many other verses that talk about following the words "as a particle of union" hit me hard.  I immediately see drops of water falling into a river.  This is how closely He wants us to follow, that we become one with Him, if He flows to the east, we flow with Him, around ever turn.  God's arms form the river bed as we all move together and once the drops (His people) fall into the river and become one with Him, can they ever again be separated?  No, but they can pool off into stagnant water and stop moving. 
     I see the first step in forgiveness is to speak the words.  There is life and death in the tongue.  When I first spoke the words, "I forgive them", I did not feel it.  I did not want to forgive, but I wanted to obey and I wanted to be free.  Once those words were out there, I had to flow with Jesus and allow Him to instruct my next steps and as we have walked together through forgiving I am now at a point where I want that total freedom for those who hurt me.  I want that freedom for every person, but what I see is forgiveness seems to be the fence so many believers are sitting on.  Some choose to stay on the side of not forgiving.  Some seem to say the words, but not want to step into a deeper forgiveness on the side of the Lord, of growth, of freedom.  Giving forgiveness and even receiving the forgiveness on the deeper level Christ wants for us seems to be the place we get stuck.
     To say the words is the first step, but it is a surface step.  It's a lot easier to forgive over and over on a surface level of just speaking it, than to forgive on a deeper level, layer and find that freedom promised to us. 
     In the story of Naaman he is told to go wash in the Jordan seven times and he would be healed of the leprosy.   Naaman wanted a quicker fix, "Can't I just..."  How many times do we say these words to God when He is asking us to do something?  I used to try to bargain with Him more often than I do now.  Naaman washing seven times in dirty water is an excellent picture of the Lord asking us to forgive.  What looks like getting your hands dirty is actually going to clean you of the disease of unforgiveness.  Joshua is instructed to walk around the walls of Jericho 7 times.  With both Naaman and Joshua's stories I can see it takes faith to continue.  Just as in forgiveness, with each layer it gets a little harder to have the faith that one day you can be completely free.  We can come up with every excuse not to forgive, not to follow Jesus, not to obey on the deepest level. 
     I saw this video yesterday.

 

          I also see where people, including myself find it much easier to accept forgiveness for our transgressions ( Outward sin ) like adultery, stealing, lying than to accept complete forgiveness and  complete healing for our iniquities, (Inward motivation that drives us toward sin) lust, hate, attitude.  We say things like, "That's just the way I am built" or "It's the thorn in my flesh".  But Isaiah 53:5 says "⁵ But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." 
I heard a pastor point out his wounds were outward and His bruises were inward.  We can be completely free.   We can and must if we are truly following Jesus, a particle of union, set others free.

John 20:23 (NASB)

23 If you forgive the sins of any, their sins [a]have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.”
 

Forgive once, Deeply!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.


     My world has gone crazy.  I have had so much going on I can barely sort my thoughts.   While the storm is raging around my boat and I am trying to hold on for dear life, Jesus shows up and says, "Hey, Get out of the boat."  Are you crazy?  This is not a time to test my water walking skills. 
     A friend asked me to dinner and while she was away from the table I heard the Lord speak, "I want you to write your dad a heart felt letter.  Let him know you love him and that he is completely forgiven."  That's easy.  I can do that.  I confidently said, "We can talk about this in more detail later."  Then my friend sat down with a "Get out of the boat" expression.  "Hey, I just had a vision of you writing a letter and I could see the words "I forgive you"."  Well if that wasn't confirmation enough, but instantly I was hit with a knowing that Dad was only the beginning.  I would be writing letters to each of those who abused me.  Several thoughts flooded my mind for the next day or so.  Some of them were mine and some were from the Lord. 
     One thing He showed me was what I had received from my true friends for Christmas was shoes and contacts.  Some may think I am making something out of nothing here, but what the Lord showed me was that He has surrounded me with the relationships I need to walk me through this journey (shoes) and help me see clearly (contacts).  It was a relief to me.
     I have forgiven.  I feel no anger toward these people.  Why now do I contact them?  I thought it was finished.  Okay God, You are going to have to teach me about forgiveness.  I open my heart and my mind for whatever You want to show me.  Wow.  The last few days have been an intimate ride down a path I never expected.  Earlier in the day my friend and I had been talking and out of the blue I heard the Lord say something about the 7 spirits of God and we forgive 70 times 7.  I said it out loud and forgot about it, until I got home that night and was thinking about writing the letters.  A few of my friends were sharing a writing on the 7 spirits of God and so I asked for a copy, but when I started to read it, the Lord said "No.  I don't want you to focus on this, I want you to have a clear mind and hear me."  This wasn't the first time He said "No" to me when my friends were studying something and I began to join in, so I stopped reading and put it away. 
     Forgive 70 times 7.  Several times in the Bible when the Lord wants to give an infinite number He uses grains of sand, hairs on our head, stars in the sky, things that are too numerous to count.  He didn't do that here.  We can actually multiply this number and come up with an answer.  Why?  I have heard many times that this means infinite, but I wasn't feeling that. 
     I got out the Concordance and began to look up the words describing the seven spirits of God and though I felt Jesus was telling me not to go too deep in this area, there was a definite feeling of God's completeness.  There were also words that stood out to me.  In Hebrew one of the words used to describe the spirit of the Lord were eternal.  Forgiveness should be eternal and our forgiveness is.  The spirit of Counsel brought out the words purpose and resolve.  The spirit of Might brought me to the words victory and mastery.  We can have victory in forgiveness.  Though I did not focus too much in this area, the one thing I got was forgiveness should be complete.  What if 70 times 7 is the dimensions or quality of forgiveness and not the quantity. 
     If we were made in the image of Christ then we should have or be able to attain the 7 spirits of God.  I don't totally understand this 7 spirits thing, but I strongly feel it is about completeness.  We were made in His image, we are to strive to be like Jesus.  God did not send His son every time we sinned.  He died once for every sin committed and every sin that would be committed.  We forgive the person, not the sin.  The sin belongs to the enemy.  We are not to be offended.  We are to forgive that person so completely that we can never be offended by them or what they did again?
     So if 7 represents the completeness and the layers or depth of forgiveness, what does 70 mean?  I looked up every instance where the bible uses the number seventy.  Seventy elders, seventy sons, army of seventy thousand, I'm wasn't seeing anything until BAM.  Daniel 9:24, I had been given this verse a couple years ago when God said He was lifting His hand off a particular church.   

Daniel 9:24  (NASB)

24 “Seventy weeks have been decreed for your people and your holy city, to finish the transgression, to make an end of sin, to make atonement for iniquity, to bring in everlasting righteousness, to seal up vision and prophecy and to anoint the most holy place.

     Instructions on how to finish the transgression?  The way I read this there are 7 things to do in 70 weeks.  Mariam, Moses sister was struck with leprosy and when Moses asked God to forgive her, God sent her out of the camp for 7 weeks, Nebuchadnezzar was eating with the beasts for 7 years.  I'm wondering if 70 is a time allotment?  Not that we have a certain amount of time to forgive, but that we keep at it until it's done.  We don't throw it on the back burner because it needs to be started immediately and as long as we are striving toward complete forgiveness He will show us the way or ways, layers, parts to complete forgiveness.  It's a process.  It's His timing.
     I had to look at Jesus on the cross.  That was all about forgiveness.  The whole crucifixion was about forgiveness and love.  When Jesus was crucified, He did not have to ask for forgiveness because He had not sinned, but He asked the Father to forgive them for they know not what they do and I think He was talking about all of us.  We ask for forgiveness for ourselves, but what about asking for forgiveness for others.  If we want to be like Jesus, I'm seeing this as a must.  The Lord commands us to forgive, it's not a request and Jesus as our example asks the Father to forgive others.  God sacrificed his Son and Jesus suffered, though He had done nothing wrong and He suffered for us who had sinned against Him.  Who are we not to suffer for those who have sinned against us, hurt us, even if we have done nothing wrong?
     One other thing the Lord has been talking to me about is communion.  We must first examine ourselves.  I can't count how many times I took communion before I heard this explained.  I wonder how many people are sitting in church buildings examining themselves and finding nothing to forgive or be forgiven?  Making excuses in their own minds why they don't have to.  Do they understand the importance of examining ourselves?  Is this why so many in the Church are asleep? 

1 Corinthians 11:27-32 (NASB)

27 Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner, shall be guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord. 28 But a man must examine himself, and in so doing he is to eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgment to himself if he does not judge the body rightly. 30 For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number [a]sleep. 31 But if we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged. 32 But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world.         
    
     God wants to forgive us enough that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer through a horrendous death so we can be reconciled to Him. Why are we so afraid to allow him to shine His light into our dark places and heal, forgive and love us?  I want freedom so badly, I don't care how bad it hurts to get there.  I'm not stopping.  I believe we are to leave the door open, take it off it's hinges, for God to shine a light into our hearts and show us what we need to heal.  He took the first step in Jesus crucifixion, now it is our turn.  The forgiveness is there and has been presented to us, all we have to do is ask for it.  We also need to be willing to give it - For - Give. 
     I had told the Lord weeks ago that I want to be a person with no offense.  I want to be that person you can do or say anything to and I don't react.  I don't get offended.  I don't want to have anything to ask forgiveness for.  I am a long way from being this person I want to be, but when the Lord addressed my request we began the conversation on forgiveness.   I believe what He showed me is that we forgive the person, not the sin.  We forgive the person on such a deep Godly level that nothing they have done to us is remembered and future sins are already forgiven.  Isn't that how He loves us?
     I think we need to get all of our wounds, garbage, baggage, whatever you want to call it, out of the way, cleaned up, dealt with, so when we are asking God for forgiveness, it is always for others.  Moses still made mistakes, but how many times did He ask God to forgive those who followed him?  Stephen was stoned to death and his last request was forgiveness of those who stoned him.  How many of us on our death bed would be thinking of forgiving others?  God told Job to pray for his friends after all He had allowed the enemy to do to Job.  Was he asking God to forgive them?  Probably.  David was a man after God's own heart who had opportunity to kill Saul, but he loved him and saw him as God's child and left him for God to deal with.  Vengeance is not ours, but forgiveness is ours to freely take and/or give.
     The first part of forgiveness no matter if we are asking God to forgive us or another person, whether we are giving forgiveness, or forgiving ourselves is to take responsibility.  No matter what anyone else is doing, saying or believing, I can do something about this situation.  Jesus was sinless as he stood in the gap.  God is looking for people to intercede, to stand in the gap and I believe it is our responsibility to be like Jesus mostly in love and forgiveness. 
     So I write my letters when and to whom God tells me.  After focusing on forgiveness in such  deep and intimate time with God, I have such a deep desire for others, for all abusers to have freedom, to be forgiven, to forgive themselves and to reach a place in their relationship with Jesus that they can't wait to set others free.  As I was forgiven before I committed sin, those who abused and hurt me were forgiven by God before they committed any sin against me.  We will never know how much it cost to see our sins upon that cross.


Jeremiah 29:10-13 (NASB)

10 “For thus says the Lord, ‘When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans that I [a]have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

Unity? In what?

“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.”
― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

     I hear so many people crying out for unity, but only one of those made sense to me.  A mother wanting unity in her family, a pastor demanding unity in the Church and a ministry school leader also wanting unity in the family of God.  The School leader was the only one who made sense and gave me hope, because what he was basically saying is if we are all looking up we will all be one unit following God, even when we don't agree.  

     The problem with the other two is that they want others to agree with them.  They want to play God.  Why can't you see it my way?  If you disagree with me, shut up about it.  There are very few respectable authority figures in this day.  I am blessed to have two in my life who I can trust after years of being betrayed by authority figures.  Why do I trust these two?  Because they do not depend on themselves, they truly depend on God for all the answers and they hear Him.  They are humble and admit when they have made a mistake or even when they thought they heard from the Lord and realized it wasn't Him.  They don't have Him in a little box with "Open in case of emergency" stamped on the side.  He lives in them and they live for Him.  

     Lately I have seen a lot of unity for really ugly things.  Such as riots and some of the crazy laws this country is putting in place.  People with only half of the information, believing lies and moving forward without thinking about the future are destroying lives.  It's a NOW generation.  Immaturity has taken over and "I want it now" is the new theme.  God's timing is not popular.  I look at the difference between the two leaders I trust and the mother and pastor who want to play God.  The ones I trust have been waiting a long time for their dreams, the promises God made them and they keep pressing in and keep believing, great examples for those under them.  The other two have both recently pushed through with a decision that I don't believe was God's will and people will be hurt.  

     Some people want everything to be good so badly they refuse to look at anything that does not line up with their false beliefs.  After generations of abuse in a family, those who say let's change it are labeled as controlling troublemakers.  People who feel like they have been controlled all their lives will often make poor choices just to be in control or feel like they are in control.  The unity needs to be in following Jesus and healing the brokenness.
     Yesterday my mother and sister supported my niece in having custody of her two year old baby.  My niece has done nothing to change her behavior.  They believe because she has been clean of all drugs, except pot, for two months she is a suitable parent.  They aren't even considering all the physical abuse and neglect that has already taken place and been admitted.  All they are concerned about is that my daughter and I who have been caring for the child for 10 months, do not have control.  Was I surprised?  No.  I saw it coming.  They were both abusive and are reacting from their own wounds.  They don't have the courage to admit there is a serious problem or the courage to change things.  My mother stayed friends with one of my abusers, even placing his picture on her fridge.  When I asked how she could do that and expect me to visit with that picture hanging there, she replied, "It's just too uncomfortable to end the friendship."  Oh she took the picture down, but the damage has been done.  She never even thought about what she was doing.  She has exposed us to our abusers repeatedly and when confronted about her behavior her response is "I'm tired of you blaming me."
     So yesterday while I was not surprised by her behavior, my daughter was crushed.  This baby was returned without any conversation about her likes and dislikes, or having anything familiar around her.  She is waking up in a strange place, with strange people, except for her mother who she hadn't seen in 2 months.  She has none of her toys, her comforts, her blankets, nothing.  Another abandonment, rejected child, but that is what we raise in our family.  If I say anything to them, all they do is point out my mistakes instead of uniting to fix the family.  All the progress made in 10 months is thrown out the window.
      My daughters comment last night said it all.  When they cut the trees down in my mother's backyard after years of them standing tall, she cried for days.  She hates change.  Yet she has no feelings for what a two year old baby is going through being jerked from everything she knows and thrown into a dangerous situation.  She is believing the lies of the enemy.  Why can't we all just get along and pretend everything is okay?  I;m tired of living in the lie.  My kids are shocked to find out who their grandmother really is.  I have mostly accepted it.
     When we demand things go our way, instead of what is right in the Father's eyes, things go wrong and people get hurt.  Then in our brokenness, we blame God when we weren't listening to Him and waiting on His timing.  We wanted my niece to have her baby back too, but only after getting help for the abuse and neglect.  Now, our family is permanently divided.  I have forgiven my mother and my sister, but I will never unite with anyone who allows abuse.  The behavior hasn't changed in over 40 years.  God wants us to put others before ourselves.  I have to answer to God.  If you care more about some stupid old trees than your own great grandchild's safety, you are broken.  Unite with God and you will be healed.  Too many people choose to stay in their brokenness, because it is familiar and familiarity is a false comfort sent by the enemy to keep us stuck.  Nothing changes until you change something.  Truth hurts before it heals.


Exodus 34:6-7New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God,compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and [a]truth;7 who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

Broadsided

“The ultimate difference between God's wisdom and man's wisdom is how they relate to the glory of God's grace in Christ crucified. God's wisdom makes the glory of God's grace our supreme treasure. But man's wisdom delights in seeing himself as resourceful, self-sufficient, self determining, and not utterly dependent on God's free grace.”
― John Piper, Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God

     Weird few days I have had.  I was receiving puzzle pieces without realizing they were actual pieces that belonged to a much larger picture.  I began to realize it two nights ago when I was broadsided by a buck.  Over the last several weeks I have had a variety of animals run across the road in front of my car, but most didn't require any action, I just noted them.  There was a deer standing in the ditch, a black squirrel crossed in front of me, an almost black deer and the same dog twice.  Now the dog was a little different, because it was in my lane running toward me and I did have to brake for that.  I took note of all of it, mentioned it to a friend and tucked it away.

     Driving home night before last, the Lord struck up a conversation with me.  He reminded me of a curse He says I have placed on my relationships.  I have always said, they only last two years.  I have been saying this for almost 30 years and it is true.  The Lord pointed out that most of my closest friends, I met two years ago and it's time to break the curse.  Being me, I argued.  I explained to God that the curse only applied to "boyfriends" and "husbands" and some of them lasted longer.  I also explained the curse did not apply to my friendships.  He immediately pointed out a friendship with a male that had exploded after two years and no matter how we tried, we could not get it back.  I told Him, I didn't care about that one and was fine with it ending.  By this time of course I am in tears and don't want to talk about it.  Sometimes He gets very persistent.  I guess if He ever yelled, it seemed He was doing so by this time.  He was insisting, "Break the curse!" and that was all He would say, over and over as I said, "I am not ready." over and over.  

     As the intensity increased, He said, "You are limiting what I can do for you."  My response, "I don't care.  I don't want the friendship and I am not ready to break the curse."  Out of no where I saw the head of a buck with a full set of antlers and I realized he was about to hit me.  I cringed as he plowed into the side of my car with a loud bang.  I never slowed down, I never looked back, I just kept driving, me and God in silence.  After a mile or so, I noticed my driver door mirror was completely gone.  The Lord said, "Are you done looking back at the way things were?  Break the curse."  I did.  I whispered the words He needed to release me from the curse I placed on my life.  I turned around and drove back to where I thought it had happened and there was no trace of the deer or the mirror.  Okay God, do what you will.  

     That night when I finally got home, I listened to two different sermons on my laptop.  Then my laptop broke.  I held the piece in my hand where I would actually plug in the cord to charge it.  Nice.  Thank you Jesus.  It was only 8:30 when I shut it down and went to sleep.  The Lord spoke to me about avoiding conversation with Him.  He said I used my laptop to avoid Him.  He didn't want me listening to a sermon if I could be talking to Him.  I really didn't feel like it.  As I told Him, I have given everything I own away for You God and all I have is a car and a laptop and this is not a good day.  He said, "I can take those too."  Some people would say, God doesn't talk to people like that, but to say that is limiting Him as much as having a curse on your life.  To say that you know how God talks to each person, how He operates, is to say you don't need Him, because you already know everything..  I got that from one of the sermons I listened to instead of talking to God.

     That night I had three dreams.  One I don't remember.  One was about me talking to a friend about repairing my laptop.  That could either show i am obsessed with it, or what I believe it was confirming what God had said, because in my dream, my friend kept saying, "How am I supposed to work on it when you are on it all the time?"  Yes, God, I hear You.  The third dream was so strange, I put it away, believing it possibly was not from God or if it was, He would let me know what it meant when He was ready.  

      Yesterday was uneventful, though I had several conversations, wondering what the whole message was with the broadsiding buck. Today was a day of revelation.  I dreamt last night I was in a room full of people all claiming to be prophets.  I told them I was not concerned with a title, I only wanted to hear the Lord and obey.  Then one of the men went into a lengthy explanation about how important it is, and what an honor it is when the Lord appoints you to a position.  I was humbled in that dream.  In the next I was holding a gun and trying to figure out where to aim it to shoot.  It had to be where no one would be hurt, and where it would be the most effective.  Weird.  

     I was babysitting today when I began to watch a sermon and the preacher said, "What if they weren't sent to do good in your life, but to grow you through adversity?"  Suddenly,the deer made sense.  We think of a deer as a beautiful, peaceful creature.  Most times it would be pleasant to see one.  But this buck brought a lesson.  Then the Lord said, about the friend I was okay with losing, "What if a friendship was not the purpose as much as the growth you have received from losing the friendship?  Yeah, I was like huh?

     He explained it like this.  A religious leader, the high priest, trying to follow God's rules, you would think would be happy to meet Jesus.  In my pea brain, that made sense.  But Jesus knew what the high priest was going to do - have Him crucified.  Jesus had to be crucified to fulfill His purpose on earth.  Jesus knew what the outcome of my friendship was going to be.  Did He want to see the hurt and pain?  No, but He knew I had to have those parts of my flesh crucified to fulfill my purpose.  All scars have purpose.  Jesus' scars saved God's people and our scars are meant to save people too.  We could not fulfill our purpose without being crucified.  Well, at least to our flesh.

     How did all that come from the broadsiding buck?  He was my friend.  A good creature who was probably running for his life.  For a deer to run into the side of a car, he had to be running from something.  Trust me, as hard as he hit,  denting up not easily dented places on the door and all the hair I found even around the key hole, he was moving.  Did he mean to run into my car?  i doubt that very much.  The timing was just right, there had to be a lesson in it.  So, he hit so hard, it changed the way I see the things around me, especially behind me.   

     So we dissect the dreams.  What is a modern day prophet's responsibility?  If you know, then you don't need God.  To say that prophet's no longer warn people of things to come, or behavior changes that need to be made, is to say you know God's plan and so you don't need Him.  I got that from the sermon.  If we know what worship is, praise is, grace, how healing is to take place, etc then you don't need God.  If He did everything the same every time, we would worship the process, instead of Him.  It's just like these healing oils people are using, if you have the right combination to heal everything, then you don't need God.  If it works the same way every time, you end up worshiping the oils not the true healer.

     The dream about the gun was the power held in our hand when we hold the word of God.  We have to use care and revelation to know where to aim it and where not to aim it.  The third dream, that was really weird to me was about planning a murder.  You can see why I didn't really want to share that.  I didn't know who the man was or why we were planning this, but in the end God explained "Slander is murder"  and in the end of the dream, we decided not to do it.  He looked too happy!  It was weird, but I got the point.  Authority comes with power, but just because a person has power does not mean they have authority.   

     I guess if I had to simplify the lesson, I would say God does not want us to limit Him.  He wants full submission.  We limit Him through curses, beliefs, unforgiveness and basically siding with the enemy.  If we are not giving God the authority in an area of our life, then guess who gets it?  Yep, and with my help he has destroyed a lot of relationships in my life.

“God’s revelation does not need the light of human genius, the polish and strength of human culture, the brilliancy of human thought, the force of human brains to adorn or enforce it; but it does demand the simplicity, the docility, humility, and faith of a child’s heart.”
― E.M. Bounds, Power Through Prayer

Watchman

“If I look at the mass I will never act.”
― Mother Teresa
     
     Some days I wake in the morning in tears for someone.  I did today and a friend text me encouragement, because the Lord spoke to her.  "I get it." is still a powerful statement in my world.  I pray one person hears "I get it" when they read my ramblings.
     Some days I feel like I am watching a line of Holocaust victims unknowingly walking toward their death.  I can scream at them to run, they are going to die anyway.  Why not take a chance on life, on God.  But they look at me and they see a Nazi uniform, because that is the way they see Christians.  We judge, we condemn, we think we are better than.  That's what they see.  That's what they believe.  Religion with all it's rules and judgments.  I am not one of them.  I don't want to be one of them.  I want to be the believer that Jesus asks us to be.  I want them to see Him, not a religious uniform.  God help me.
 
 
     We come to You and ask for forgiveness of our sins and You exchange it for Your grace and mercy, You smash our sins with the cross, but Lord I am here today to say I am sorry for the lost sheep I walked past, in too much of a hurry to hear Your voice.  I am sorry for every mouth that is dying for food that I have not fed.  Forgive me for all the prayers I sent to You for my comfort when so many of Yours are in deep pain.  Lord forgive me.  Forgive me for not hearing You when You speak of blessing others but I am stuck in my own circumstances.  Forgive me for thinking of speaking to millions when all You ask is that I reach that one, just that one broken heart that You weep for.  Lord forgive me for the nights I was too tired to say a prayer of protection over Your child, the mornings You woke me before dawn and I grumbled and went back to sleep when You just wanted to talk with me.  Lord forgive me, forgive me for not healing the sick, casting out the demons and weeping with those who weep and grieving for the souls of Your babies who are wandering in the darkness.  Forgive me for glorifying my works, for glorifying my name instead of Yours.  Forgive me for ever tear I cried over needless things while Your children cry for just one hand, one hand to reach out and take theirs.  Forgive me for holding onto bitterness against Your child who has done nothing compared to the wretched things I have done, for holding others in contempt for committing the very sin You forgave me for.  Forgive me for throwing the word grace around until it has no meaning left in it, for holding back mercy, forgiveness, and love.  Forgive me for judging those who live in the same pits I live in, under the same cloud of doubt that follows me and who choose the darkness I retreat to at times.  I am nothing, I am weak, I hurt, for those I have harmed, for those You weep for.  Lord show me, show me who You want me to be, no matter how it hurts.  Show me those You would send me to and stretch me until I see this world through Your eyes.  I ask that the blessings I receive are not because I asked for them, the mercy You grant me is not because I beg for it, and the grace You give never loses it's meaning in my eyes.  Lord never allow me to grow numb to Your heart.  Never allow me to quench the fire that burns in my belly, to shallow Your word, or be free of the pain that drives me to my knees.  Lord forgive me.  Your babies are dying and I don't want to stand here and watch them walk by.  Give me your words, Your wisdom, revelation to accomplish everything You have designed me to do.  Don't allow me to waste a minute of this life You gave me for Your purpose.  Never, never Lord, allow me to take the credit for that which You do through me.  Blessed is Your name, perfect is Your plan, stop me Lord if I ever get in Your way. 

 

Acts 5:20
“Go, stand and speak to the people in the temple the whole message of this Life.”

Ministry Rules?

“My job as a Christian is not to get people to heaven when they die, it's to get heaven to people while they're alive”
― D.R. Silva

     Too many times we measure our ministry by the applause we receive from some clever quip we recite. But if you think back to the times a speaker busted a chain loose that had held your heart in bondage for a life time, there was no applause. There was a moment, probably unexpected when a raw word was spoken and immediately out of no where a lump took form in your throat and your eyes became wet with tears as the chain fell. It was followed by a sigh and a starry eyed, gaze of freedom. 
     Putting any rules to ministry is putting limits on the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes we are called to step out of the man made safety guardrails and step out onto a road of risky ministry.  There is a rule I have always believed in that the Lord is telling me is not His rule.  Men minister to men and women minister to women.  This is not always the case.  What about Jesus and the woman at the well.  He was not supposed to be talking to her, according to man made rules, but He did and He spoke truth and He set her free.  Now you could argue that it was Jesus and he did not sin, so obviously there was no threat of lust, but He was in a man's body.  No excuses.  Aren't we supposed to behave like Him.   
     In Matthew 8 Jesus tells the adulterous woman to go and sin no more.  He didn't use the word "unless" in any of his statements.  He didn't say, Go and sin no more unless you are a man who has a problem with lust, because Hey you're a guy and guys can't help it.  He did not tell the woman "unless" you meet the right man, then go ahead and sleep with him before you wed.  He didn't say, Go and sin no more, unless you are a gossip and you are requesting prayer so you can tell so and so what what's her name did.  He said, "Go and sin no more."  He would not tell us to do something that is impossible.  He didn't ask to hear her excuses. 
     As in any ministry, I believe we go when we are called.  We may be able or familiar with an issue a person is having trouble with, but we may not be the one He has called to deal with it.  I have seen most times the minister receives as much as the one being ministered to and I would hate to take someone's lesson or blessing.  I also believe there are precautions.  You may want to check for confirmation from God if you think He is telling you to go get a drunk out of the bar and your last relapse was yesterday.  But who knows, he might, cause He is wiser than me.  He probably won't call you to minister to the opposite sex if you are having a problem yet with porn, lust or perversion, but who knows?  God doesn't always make sense by our earthly wisdom.
     When I reached out for Christ, He sent a man.  I questioned many times why.  But He limited our conversation to email, mostly.  We rarely saw each other in person, except for at church.  He was the pastor so it didn't leave a lot of time for failure.  Because the pastor had an affair years earlier and I had made the same mistake, it did not make sense that God would send him to help me out of the pit, but He did.  There were many who said it should not be, but we both knew it was God.
     One morning the Lord told me to email him.  We emailed almost every day, so I had to ask what He wanted me to say.  When I sat down at the computer the Lord told me to apologize.  For what?  For my affairs.  For destroying married men's lives.  Then He had me apologize for hurting their wives.  I was crying my eyes out the whole time I was writing the email.  When the pastor read the email, he did the same.  The woman he had been with years ago, never took responsibility for her part or apologized to him or his wife, for what she had done.  I have to say here that he had apologized to her and her husband.  There was tremendous healing for both of us that day and there were many other times that we ministered to each other in ways that could not have happened between people of the same gender.
     Many times our deepest wounds are from the opposite sex and we need the opposite sex to set us free.  If we hold bitterness for what someone did to us, we often times will find ourselves repeating the sin toward someone else.  For instance, bitterness held for his mistress not taking responsibility for her part, can cause him to refuse to take responsibility for hurt he has caused without realizing it.  What ever demons torment us from the outside can move inside if we don't forgive.  What ever was done to us, we can end up doing to others if we don't heal the wound.  Abused kids, often grow up to abuse.  Children of alcoholics become alcoholics.  You are forgiven and set free as much as you forgive and release others. 
     There is high value in having friends of the same gender and it can be freeing, but sometimes a wound caused by man needs to be healed through a man and a wound caused by a woman, needs to be healed through a woman, no matter what gender we are.
 

“No life is messier than one in ministry”
― Jerry B. Jenkins

Pitching another Fit?

“Remember He is the artist and you are only the picture. You can't see it. So quietly submit to be painted---i.e., keep fulfilling all the obvious duties of your station (you really know quite well enough what they are!), asking forgiveness for each failure and then leaving it alone.You are in the right way. Walk---don't keep on looking at it.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis, Volume lll: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963
 
      I really need for the Church to be different than the world, if I am ever going to learn to trust.  It is so easy for me to see that the enemy is working against me.  God has put me on a project - getting my story done.  That's why I am writing here, because I can't write there.  The enemy is beating me up for telling my story in the first place.  I can't count how many times I wanted it back.
     The attacks from telling my story didn't even come from the direction I expected.  I was ducking behind a huge rock that stood between me and those who I assumed would attack, but no shots were fired... from that direction anyway.  The most damaging shot hit me in the back, one right through the heart and then an other to the back of the head.  There were other cuts and bruises, but nothing major. 
     My past was used against me when a woman in the church assumed I introduced her husband to a friend of mine.  Apparently when I told my story, she left the building before I got to the part where I changed.  I didn't fix them up and I didn't support their affair.  My heart was for this woman's children.  Who told me this?  The pastor and he said I needed to fix it.  ME?  I don't even know this woman.  How did this become my responsibility?  So, my head is healed, but the scar is still there to remind me what can happen when you allow people into your business. 
     The wound to the heart is beyond explanation.  I have never been so honest with anyone and yet this man chooses to believe I am a liar.  Three years are totally erased.  They meant nothing, because now I see he only wanted to conquer my obstacle course to be the hero, the number one, the pat myself on the back for a job well done guy.  Though because I would not agree with him on every little thing, I am listening to the devil.  Hmm.  I find it humorous that the one person who stands behind me in exposing those who abused me, is the one who wants to approve of what I say about him in my story.  I guess we both need to trust God. 
     Every time I try to work on it, all these memories come flooding back to me and I want to move away from here.  As I argue with God, I bring up my kids.  What will they go through, because really, they are all that matters.  My kids and grandkids are really the only ones I can't live without.  Then God said, "What if I ask you to give them up for me?"  Really?  Well, of course, because out of your will is not where I ever want to be.  The Lord told me my kids salvation should come second to Him.  WHAT? 
     I know God has my kids, but when you have treated them badly for their whole lives and you finally start building a healthy and meaningful relationship and then God says, "Take 'em to the hill and sacrifice" it's a little unsettling to say the least.  Some days I come to God like a small child... pitching a huge fit.  Why do I have to obey, sacrifice, walk away, forgive, etc. etc. and others get to lie, steal and hurt people?  Especially those who claim to be Christians, pastors, friends of Christ.  My dad always made us pick up the toys at our friends house even if none of the other kids were made to help.  AND do it without grumbling.  Argh!
     I can see the positive in finishing my story and sharing it, but I know there will be some haters.  I now realize those haters might be people I call friend at this time in my life.  Nothing matters but Jesus.  Nothing matters, but Jesus.  Absolutely nothing matters to me, but being in His will and obeying Him... even if it hurts like hell.


“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.”
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

The Obstacle Course

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
― George MacDonald



      I saw a little girl passing out trust like it was candy.  Why shouldn't she?  We are supposed to trust certain people and we should be able to trust everyone.  So as she danced around in her little dress, knowing that she is beautiful, it happened, one of the first trusts she handed out was shattered and spit back in her face like a lemon drop bullet shot straight from the puckered face of someone she thought she knew.  It happened again and again.  After that, it wasn't as easy to pass out candied trust without flinching.  What do you do?
     You build a big round fence, you disguise the gate and most importantly, you lock it.  You position yourself in the center, furthest from the reach of those who  approach your fence and ask to come in, to get closer, to actually know you.  You immediately go to work building an obstacle course that will have to be conquered before they can even stand near you.  And you make that obstacle course nearly impossible to conquer because... you will not be fooled again.  I am a professional and I can help you!
     No two obstacle courses are exactly the same.  The course is designed uniquely for the person running it.  First, the course is unique to the abused who is designing it.  The difficulty depends on the abuse, the amount of healing, the willingness and a knowledge of God.  Second, the course is designed according to the person who will be running it, like how we met, your position in the world (though titles mean nothing), what history I know of you and possibly, positive words from a mutual friend, though they don't count as much as most would think.  Even gender, age and what you drive can play a role.  Third, discernment has a lot to do with the initial decision to even design a course and give a person the opportunity to run through it and stays "tuned in" through out the course.  Fourth, the complexity of the course can be largely affected by the last person to run it.  (Don't point out this is not fair, because none of it is fair)
     Many will think they want to run the course until they get a look at it.  It is difficult enough, but when they hear the time it takes to run the course cannot be too long or to short, they may be asked to repeat the same act over and over again until we are sure it was actually accomplished perfectly or they could be kicked out at any time, no matter how much time they dedicated, they may decide to run away.  Did you smile when you should frown, cry when you should have laughed or did you actually sigh deeply some time during the course that gave the impression you were not pleased to be running it?  All reasons to rerun or be booted.
     Through healing, the wall of shame may be lowered, as well as the hurdles of loyalty, peace, and truth.  Through healing the rope swinging over the mud pit of lies, could decrease in diameter enough that a person could actually wrap their hands around it. 
     It all sounds ridiculous.  But we have to.  We have to know the truth of who you are.  What's the reward?  I have met several abused people who have no healing and can be vicious, but most of that is show.  I believe, by what I have seen in these people, at the end of that course, (which you may be called back periodically to run portions of ) there is the most loyal, loving, honest, person who would absolutely without thinking lay down their life for anyone who would actually spend the blood, sweat and tears on their course.   
     What happens when a person gets to the end of the obstacle course?  There is a celebration, but not what you would expect.  There is always the fear something was missed, though the runner does get the loyalty, the love, the devotion and honesty they have earned by running such a difficult course. We say little, because we don't want a runner to get a big head and think we can't live with out them.  We have proven time and time again we can live without anyone.
     I have a few runners, running their individual courses.  I have a couple who are so close to crossing the finish line that I hardly keep an eye on them.  But what happens when one, the first one, way out in front of everyone else, gets to the end and drives a spear right through your heart?  Shock.  I have to wonder why they even ran the course.  There can only be one thing that would drive a person to run such a difficult course and turn on you in the end.  Selfish gain.  Who would spend that much time and effort only to look you in the eye and say "You are not worth it."  Somebody who is broken?  Someone who can't handle loyalty, love, or even truth. 
     When you invest time and effort building a course, judging the progress and healing, letting down walls, lowering hurdles and changing out ropes, just to be crushed when the runner crosses the finish line and walks away, like conquering your course was the only goal, one thing happens: everyone is ushered out of your fenced area, EVERYONE.  It's like a bomb threat or a fire, "Everybody get out of my fence and get out now!!"
     Inside your fence looks like an abandoned carnival.  Wrappers blowing across the ground, hurdles left knocked over and heavy frayed ropes barely moving in the breeze.  Most of the people don't even stick around the fence, they wander off to see what's going on elsewhere.  The few who were almost finished with their courses wait outside the gate, knowing this has happened before and maybe, like last time the gate will swing open again. 
     You look around and you think about what it would take to increase the height of the walls, build bigger hurdles and change out the ropes, but then you slump down on an old bench and ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"  The scream from the pain is still drowning out most of your thoughts, even though you never let it escape your mouth.  The shock of realizing somebody got by your discernment convinces you to buy a stronger lock for the gate.  You refuse to look up at those who still linger outside of that gate.
     Something catches your attention.  Outside the gate, first in line to come back in and start over if He is allowed, is a man in a bright white robe and He is weeping.  No matter how you want to, you don't jump up and run to open the gate.   You just sit there.  You wonder how exactly He got shuffled out with the rest.  It doesn't seem fair to ask Him to run the course, but He is the most willing.  He will run it a thousand times, while smiling. 
     Suddenly you are standing at the starting line of your own obstacle course and He stands next to you.  He apologizes for the hurt your brother caused.  Then He not only walks through the course in his perfect timing, but He carries you.  He busts down the wall of shame as much as you will allow Him.  He steps over hurdles and walks on top of the mud pit of lies, carrying you every step of the way.  Jesus smiles as He speaks in a familiar, soft, and gentle voice...

    
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity     

Really? Babies? Yes!

“Every source of blessing is a point of attack.”
― David McGee

   Some may say, "Now that's going too far."  Is the spirit of Jezebel sacrificing unborn babies?  How many abortions were already performed today?  But could a spirit really attack the unborn babies of Christians?  I would guess it is more difficult for the enemy to get to a believer's unborn, but if there is demonic influence in a church it increases his chances. 
     Are we praying for and blessing pregnancies or are we assuming they are protected because we are believers?  A baby is born a sinner, right?  Babies are often attacked at conception and/or in the womb.  Especially if there is a chance a child will be born into and raised by believers, there is a much larger target on them. 
     A church under the spirit of Jezebel or control has many open doors for the enemy.  The enemy may see a Christian pregnancy as a threat.  What if that baby is the next Billy Graham?  What if a prophet is being formed?  There are a couple stories in the bible of many children being killed and one was in hopes of taking out Jesus the Messiah.  Moses escaped another.  Why wouldn't the same enemy today attack those in a church?
     Jezebel worshipped Baal.

Jeremiah 19:4-6New American Standard Bible (NASB)
⁴ Because they have forsaken Me and have made this an alien place and have burned ^[a]sacrifices in it to other gods, that neither they nor their forefathers nor the kings of Judah had ever known, and because they have filled this place with the blood of the innocent ⁵ and have built the high places of Baal to burn their sons in the fire as burnt offerings to Baal, a thing which I never commanded or spoke of, nor did it ever enter My ^[b]mind; ⁶ therefore, behold, days are coming,” declares the Lord, “when this place will no longer be called Topheth or the valley of Ben-hinnom, but rather the valley of Slaughter.

 
     We should focus on God and not what the enemy is doing, but if we have the authority to kick a spirit such as Jezebel out of the Church, that is exactly what we have been given authority to do.  If the Lord did not want us to address the schemes of the enemy He would not have given us the authority to do so.  Now, I must say if you suspect a spirit of Jezebel in a church, I have heard only the pastor has authority to remove it.  I do not know this for sure, but I do believe it is true.  If the pastor has the spirit on him/her and/or refuses to see or address the spirit, then my only advice is to pack up your Bible and get out of there. 
     We have to ask God where He wants us going to church.  We have to ask Him occasionally if He still wants us where we are.  Being a believer is not always comfortable, in fact comfortable can be a sign we are in the wrong place.  Following Jesus requires much and it stretches us.  He wants us growing, not stuck in infancy.  Also remember, Jezebel does not only attack human babies or children, but spiritual babies are a huge target. 


“Christians have no business playing around with ideas of the devil as a fun-loving, beer-swigging guy who just wants you to have a good time.”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ 

What if?

“Our failure to hear His voice when we want to is due to the fact that we do not in general want to hear it, that we want it only when we think we need it.”
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God


      I am in awe of how far God will go to communicate with us.  He has the whole world at His disposal and is willing to use it to speak to us.  We need only to pay attention and be willing to hear the answer.
     Yesterday, I had a friend call and ask if I wanted to give my day to Jesus with her.  I did.  I needed it.  I went to her house and we talked awhile, catching up and sharing what God is doing in our lives and then we set out to follow Jesus.  He first led us to a coffee shop and asked us to speak to a man who was having high anxiety, and his life was about to change.  We gave him the words God had given us for him and prayed with him.  One thing that stood out to me was that we went there only to talk to him.  We didn't even get a coffee.  He had to have seen this and known that Jesus sent us there just for him.  We didn't just pick someone out of the crowd, the Lord took us to him. 
     Next we were led to speak to a young man walking.  My friend was overwhelmed with the love Jesus had for this guy and he welled up with tears when she told him.  His heart was broken.  His significant other had left him and taken their daughter.  He was so open to our prayers for him.  It was amazing to see God use us as we were willing. 
     We sat in the car talking and praying about where Jesus wanted us to go next when we became engaged in a conversation about how many people are against women teaching or ministering to men.  We both struggle with this old religious rule.  Then we realized, when we both submitted and followed Jesus that day the first two people He took us to were men.  We had a good laugh.  He had answered our question before we asked Him.  He will answer if we are willing to pay attention and hear.
     I had a friend recently meet me for a late night snack.  We were leaving from the same place and meeting at a restaurant.  Even though we took different routes I was surprised by how long she was delayed.  She told me she had sat through three cycles of lights at the intersection and her left hand turn light never went green.  She was asking the Lord what He wanted.  She prayed for people around her, she moved her car forward and back to trigger the light, but nothing worked.  Finally after the third cycle it turned green and she went on her way.  Later in the conversation she asked me if I had heard a new song about Him waiting on us.  I couldn't help it.  I had to laugh.  I asked her if God had asked her to do something lately she was putting off and she confessed she was to write a letter but she was struggling.  I could clearly see the Lord was talking.  I have your journey stopped until you do what I have asked.  We won't even get into the left hand turn.  She realized the Lord was trying to get her attention. 
     I can see where some people who like to box up God can't imagine that He would talk to us in these ways.  Of course if it's not in scripture??    Maybe she should have waited at the light for a burning bush or for God to push her out of her car and strike her with blindness.  Maybe a donkey talking or an angel appearing would have been easier to believe. 
     I drove home one night asking God how to do something I felt He was asking me to do.  I saw two huge male deer standing in the opposite lane unshaken by the fact a car was driving by.  They both had a huge set of antlers and I found it odd just the two of them were standing there in the night watching me drive by.  Then I heard the Lord say He was sending someone to walk through it with me.  I saw by the appearance of the deer we have the same strengths and weaknesses.  Maybe it would have been clearer with donkeys?  Scripture, scripture.  It's funny how closely some want to follow scripture when they don't believe something and how loose they can be with it to twist it to what they want to convince us of.
     It is much easier to see when it's someone else at times, like my friend stopped at the light.  Sometimes it's by choice.  People choose not to see.  So what if there was a pastor who the Lord wanted to speak to and was not listening?  Let's just say he listened in the areas he wanted answers, but was not open to anything outside of that.  What if the enemy was totally influencing his ministry, but he refused to listen to the messages sent by God.  What if people who don't usually see the demonic, were wondering what they saw in his church.  What if the Lord placed a frog in his church and it croaked through every service?  Would he even recognize the message?  Then let's say when he paid no attention to the frog, the Lord sent a rat to torment him at home?    And when he was in a country the Lord said he was not to be in, on two separate days he was attacked by a bird.  Seriously, walking outside, a bird physically attacked his head and it hurt?  If this all happened within a couple months, how many people would notice a message being sent?  If the Lord lifted His hand off of this man and demons began tormenting him in his sleep, would he pay attention?
     What if many of us don't see what the enemy is doing, because we think the signs are ridiculous?  God knocked Paul of his horse and struck him blind to get his attention.  In todays world I could see many blaming God instead of asking what He wants them to see.  Especially in this country there is such an arrogance about our churches, that we are not open to them being under attack. 

Ezekiel 3:27New American Standard Bible (NASB)

27 But when I speak to you, I will open your mouth and you will say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord [a]God.’ He who hears, let him hear; and he who refuses, let him refuse; for they are a rebellious house.
.     I am not saying that every bad thing that happens is a sign that we are doing something wrong, but how many times do we ask God and believe He is not answering, when if we opened our minds to His communication, He is shouting loudly?  The Bible warns that in the last days there will be false teachers and prophets.  How will we recognize them?  By their fruit, but we need to open our hearing so God can speak to us, too.
     If we are not open to God speaking to us and warning us in unusual ways, then we are most likely blinding ourselves to what the enemy is doing also.  We are naïve to think the Church is not under attack.  The enemy will use any door we leave open.  To think our pastors and leaders have it all under control and are doing battle on our behalf is not being responsible.  We should be protecting them through prayer.  They can't be everywhere, they can't see everything, we aren't to spend our lives drinking milk.  This is a spiritual battle.  Many churches are being ruled by blind leaders who are too full of pride to admit there may be a problem.  The spirit of religion is flowing all over, the spirit of fear and perversion and even the spirit of control, Jezebel.  How many babies have to be miscarried in a church before somebody asks, "Is Jezebel sacrificing our children?" 


Numbers 22:30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden all your life to this day? Have I ever been accustomed to do so to you?” And he said, “No.”