“I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery. ”
― Brennan Manning
A new mother, with a baby who refuses to sleep at night and a small child who leaves at first light for Disneyland, have opposite views of the same sunrise. It doesn't change the sunrise. It is what it is. A shelf can look totally different to a short person, than it does to a tall. Even kindness can look different to two homeless people. One may want a new set of clothes while the other says, "Am I not good enough for you?" There are so many things that play into how we see things. One child may see a parent as loving and a sibling sees that same parent as expecting too much. Maybe they are both right. Have you ever had a friend who another of your friends hated? AND they were correct in what they saw that caused them to hate, but they refused to see the brokenness or good that you saw?
I was following a facebook conversation on a page I do not agree with at all. One lady said, "Take your Bible and shove it." I froze. I could only stare at those words and wonder "All right, what kind of Christian hurt this woman and how deeply? Will she ever come out of it?" I'm sorry Lady for my brothers and sisters and their bad behavior. I pray for all those people on those pages, that they would find the One who loves them Most. They are looking for Him, they just don't know it and their vision has been messed up (probably) by those who say they have found Him.
Scripture should be the truth we all agree on, but two can read the same verse and hear two different things. As with Job, people want to find a reason they like as to why God allowed the enemy to do the things he did to Job. He was prideful or he wasn't making his kids obey, etc. What if the reason that God allowed the enemy to do those things to Job was because He knew Job would come out of it with his faith intact and a better person for it. What if the results weren't about Job, but for the enemy alone to see? What if the story in the bible for us to read thousands of years later would cause us comfort? What if we never know the reason. I have heard it said and I believe He loves us all, but He does not treat us all the same. I didn't treat my kids the same. One may need more discipline. One may need more hugs. One may need more forgiveness, direction, laughs, or spankings.
Almost two years ago, the Lord told me to give away everything. I did. Even though many said that God would never ask someone to do that, I did what He asked. I have a car and a bed and no income. I come from a town where looks and money are very important and say a lot about who you are. I have played the role where I get my hair and nails done every other week. To be honest, this was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have learned so much. Money, things, mean nothing to me. Even things I used to enjoy don't please my eye like they used to. Some may take their spouse out to an expensive dinner occasionally as a way to say I love you, but what that meal may have done for me in the past, a burger and a meal with a homeless person or buying a burger for a broken person who needs a listening ear, does now. That is much more satisfying to me than the same meat costing much more because of the chef and the fancy table cloth. I was actually angry with God for expecting so much from me, while others around me were blessed, but now I am so thankful for all I have learned. Money, things, no longer impress me and I actually feel sorry for the fool who brags on his financial achievements while his neighbor is hungry. He is missing out on the healing that comes with ministering to another. God has taken care of me. I am always fed. I have fuel to go where He sends me. I need nothing and my "flesh wants" are dying off while my "heart wants" for others are growing.
We all get it in our heads that others need to see the true God that lives in our belief system, but that same God who never changes, may never be the same to any two of us. This can be because of my call. It could be because of the circumstances around you. It might be about someone else and not have a thing to do with us. We have to see the true biblical God for who He is, but understand that our relationship may be a little different than our sibs.
“We might be wise to follow the insight of the enraptured heart rather than the more cautious reasoning of the theological mind.”
― A.W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Can You Say Perspective?
“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”
― Shannon L. Alder
I have realized that our plans don't mean diddley next to God's. On February first I posted about my plan to write out the story of my stroke and work through some serious stuff. I should have known better. God had His own plan. First of all that evening, I became a grandma again. That throws your plans onto the back burner really fast. Then on Valentine's day, I couldn't catch my breath. I was dizzy and having chest pains. As usual through my life, I minimized it, but there came a moment, it just wasn't working for me. I was with a friend who took me to another friends and three of them prayed. Needless to say I ended up looking down the barrel of a cardiologists stethoscope on Heart Day! Woo Hoo!!
In my professional minimizing opinion I truly believed I would be fed some meds and sent home, but they moved me in for a couple days to take a better look. I guess the positive is: I do have a heart. It's just not working right. Ha. I didn't do any ministering this time. I didn't call my kids in. I barely called anyone. I spent a lot of time thinking and asking questions. I was in a unit in the hospital they call the Something Decision Unit. The junk drawer. Something/someone is too valuable to throw away, but there is really no right place to put it/them. And the value can vary from person to person's perspective.
I haven't really shared all the health info with many people, because I have no idea what it means. I have not met with all the doctors yet to tell me if I should get my affairs in order or if this is something most people have? Once you tell people, many have to share their opinion and it comes from their own field of experience, be that knowing someone with a similar condition or fear of abandonment. One person could look at this and freak and the next could say "no big deal". The thing that hit me about this: What ever it means to me, I will project onto others. This is dangerous and a very important reason that gossip is a killer. All I can do is tell the truth as I know it. This is what is wrong and I have yet to find out if this is serious or not. When we see people through our own field of experience we distort truth. There is my truth, your truth and THE Truth. God's truth!
Lately the Lord has been highlighting the many needy people in my life. I attract them like flies on ... and I have no tolerance for it. As I could with my health condition, people project their broken opinions of others. Depending how many bars are still on your prison cell, your view of reality is skewed that much. As healing happens, freedom comes and the bars are removed, the picture becomes clearer. Someone who is insecure can see a bold person as abusive. They can see a person who says no to them as a hater. Then when they talk about that person or victim of perspective, they project on to others their view, instead of God's truth, because until they are healed, they can't see God's truth.
The biggest need (in my opinion) in the Kingdom of God is for believer's to be healed and know their identity in Him. One of my character defects is a lack of patience for the person who says they have been a believer for many years, yet they are still causing chaos and drama over their own insecurity. There comes a time when you do what is right, no matter how it makes you feel. Feelings are not a good representation of truth and too many people are living by their feelings.
I think it had something to do with looking the spirit of death in it's dark eyes. If you have trouble prioritizing things in your life, stare into the dark eyes of death for a good ten minutes. Your whole life, belief system and list of priorities can change. It causes you to truly live more ... on purpose. I am going to choose holding my new baby granddaughter in my arms or picking up my 5 year old grandson from school over high school drama with middle aged insecure people. I only have so much energy each day and so much time to use it before it runs out. I am not going to waste a bit of it.
I am not sure why God is highlighting this, though it is probably because I was once all about me. I had an old friend get mad at me while I was in the hospital because I didn't call her right away. I did call her the day I found out I had a stroke. She mentioned it more than once that I did not call her immediately. Sorry, I was busy having a stroke and taking care of myself. Have I heard from her since? Has she called to see if I am okay? Not once. I had others say things like "My great aunt Suzy had 4 strokes" or "You need to ... " or when I was totally exhausted, fatigued, people I met for the first time, talked for 2 hours while I nodded my head and tried to stay awake. Me, me me. Then there are those who want to be part of the trauma so they can turn it into their drama. People who have barely made it past acquaintance, like to tell how their good friend is on their death bed so that they can get the "I'm so sorry you are going through this".
The point of all of this is not to run down broken people, but to remind us that others opinions are as broken as they are. When we hear a negative about someone, go to God. Ask Him what you are to do with that information. Throw it away, pray or call the person on their broken perspective? So many abused people make up their own reality and sometimes we have to ask, is that what really happened or is that what happened in your head? I am no longer catering to the imagination of those who are broken.
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”
― Adam S. McHugh
― Shannon L. Alder
I have realized that our plans don't mean diddley next to God's. On February first I posted about my plan to write out the story of my stroke and work through some serious stuff. I should have known better. God had His own plan. First of all that evening, I became a grandma again. That throws your plans onto the back burner really fast. Then on Valentine's day, I couldn't catch my breath. I was dizzy and having chest pains. As usual through my life, I minimized it, but there came a moment, it just wasn't working for me. I was with a friend who took me to another friends and three of them prayed. Needless to say I ended up looking down the barrel of a cardiologists stethoscope on Heart Day! Woo Hoo!!
In my professional minimizing opinion I truly believed I would be fed some meds and sent home, but they moved me in for a couple days to take a better look. I guess the positive is: I do have a heart. It's just not working right. Ha. I didn't do any ministering this time. I didn't call my kids in. I barely called anyone. I spent a lot of time thinking and asking questions. I was in a unit in the hospital they call the Something Decision Unit. The junk drawer. Something/someone is too valuable to throw away, but there is really no right place to put it/them. And the value can vary from person to person's perspective.
I haven't really shared all the health info with many people, because I have no idea what it means. I have not met with all the doctors yet to tell me if I should get my affairs in order or if this is something most people have? Once you tell people, many have to share their opinion and it comes from their own field of experience, be that knowing someone with a similar condition or fear of abandonment. One person could look at this and freak and the next could say "no big deal". The thing that hit me about this: What ever it means to me, I will project onto others. This is dangerous and a very important reason that gossip is a killer. All I can do is tell the truth as I know it. This is what is wrong and I have yet to find out if this is serious or not. When we see people through our own field of experience we distort truth. There is my truth, your truth and THE Truth. God's truth!
Lately the Lord has been highlighting the many needy people in my life. I attract them like flies on ... and I have no tolerance for it. As I could with my health condition, people project their broken opinions of others. Depending how many bars are still on your prison cell, your view of reality is skewed that much. As healing happens, freedom comes and the bars are removed, the picture becomes clearer. Someone who is insecure can see a bold person as abusive. They can see a person who says no to them as a hater. Then when they talk about that person or victim of perspective, they project on to others their view, instead of God's truth, because until they are healed, they can't see God's truth.
The biggest need (in my opinion) in the Kingdom of God is for believer's to be healed and know their identity in Him. One of my character defects is a lack of patience for the person who says they have been a believer for many years, yet they are still causing chaos and drama over their own insecurity. There comes a time when you do what is right, no matter how it makes you feel. Feelings are not a good representation of truth and too many people are living by their feelings.
I think it had something to do with looking the spirit of death in it's dark eyes. If you have trouble prioritizing things in your life, stare into the dark eyes of death for a good ten minutes. Your whole life, belief system and list of priorities can change. It causes you to truly live more ... on purpose. I am going to choose holding my new baby granddaughter in my arms or picking up my 5 year old grandson from school over high school drama with middle aged insecure people. I only have so much energy each day and so much time to use it before it runs out. I am not going to waste a bit of it.
I am not sure why God is highlighting this, though it is probably because I was once all about me. I had an old friend get mad at me while I was in the hospital because I didn't call her right away. I did call her the day I found out I had a stroke. She mentioned it more than once that I did not call her immediately. Sorry, I was busy having a stroke and taking care of myself. Have I heard from her since? Has she called to see if I am okay? Not once. I had others say things like "My great aunt Suzy had 4 strokes" or "You need to ... " or when I was totally exhausted, fatigued, people I met for the first time, talked for 2 hours while I nodded my head and tried to stay awake. Me, me me. Then there are those who want to be part of the trauma so they can turn it into their drama. People who have barely made it past acquaintance, like to tell how their good friend is on their death bed so that they can get the "I'm so sorry you are going through this".
The point of all of this is not to run down broken people, but to remind us that others opinions are as broken as they are. When we hear a negative about someone, go to God. Ask Him what you are to do with that information. Throw it away, pray or call the person on their broken perspective? So many abused people make up their own reality and sometimes we have to ask, is that what really happened or is that what happened in your head? I am no longer catering to the imagination of those who are broken.
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”
― Adam S. McHugh
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
This is worship?
Galatians 6:7 (NASB)
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
Yesterday I heard a story of a man who mocked a man of God who was prophesying and paid with his life. When I hear stories like this, I always check myself. I do not want to mock God, knowingly or unknowingly. I thought about it. I prayed about. I spilled my thoughts to God and I listened for His words. To be honest, I am sad and I am angry.
A couple years ago when I was first chasing after Jesus, I watched a local church on line. One thing that bothered me every time I tuned into that service was the people getting up to get coffee, use the rest room, and/or whatever else they were doing. I thought it was a total disrespect to the pastor. Over time I have accepted that this is the church, but this morning I have a whole new anger. If we read what the church in Acts looks like and compare it to the church today, I have questions. Where is the verse that says, get the biggest building you can find? I can't find a verse on making the Church comfortable or providing coffee, but these aren't even the issues God wants to talk about this morning. No, this morning He wants to talk about our worship. I have been in a place of worship where his presence is so strong that people are changed just being in the room, so I know what it can be. But when a church allows 17 minutes for what they call worship and there are people getting coffee, talking and texting the word mockery comes to mind.
I can understand a person who does not know God or has not yet realized the greatness of His presence, moving around during worship, but shouldn't the Lord be invited in such a way that people realize what worship is. I think the church is really missing it in the area of explaining worship, communion, and God, among other things. Maybe the Church doesn't really know what it is to be in His presence. We claim to know this awesome being, the Creator of every thing that exists, who gave us our very breath and we say we gather to worship Him, but is that what we are really doing? When the staff member is in the back of the room, whispering, "I knew they would love this song?" Is it really about God? Is the Holy Spirit really leading the worship team? If He is, He should get the glory for what happens there. He should get the credit for the song that moved people closer to Him.
If we are truly following God, what we have to lose should never enter our mind. What people think should not ever be a concern greater than our concern over what God thinks. The same God that we are inviting into the church building so that we can spend 12 minutes worshipping Him, told Moses to take off his shoes, he was on Holy ground. Do we have to audibly hear His voice to realize we are in His presence? We invited Him. Do any of us understand who we are talking about? As much intimate, amazing, time as I have spent conversing with Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God, I would probably still wet myself if He spoke to me audibly. Why? Does that break down some barrier between us. Great is the faith of those who do not see and I have to believe hearing goes right along with that. To continue to have faith when we believe we have heard God and realize we didn't or didn't hear Him correctly, I admit is tough, but who do we think we are believing in? Have we become so callous, desensitized, or distant from the God we read about in the bible that we don't fall on our faces when we feel His presence in the room, even after we invited Him?
There is a man I have been watching for the last three years. I value his words above many other leaders. Why? Because he falls on his face during worship. He admits when he may have heard God wrong. The awe of being in God's presence is all over this man. He recently said that he has been in ministry for several years and the longer he is doing this the less he knows. I love that about him. He is not a know it all and is in total awe of the one who does know it all. This is the kind of leader, this is a leader, so many people respect.
It's not surprising that we would be so disrespectful of God that we would invite Him into our church building so that we could worship Him and then be distracted by a million other things. How many times have we invited another person for coffee or dinner and then spent the whole time talking on our phone or answering text messages. We are a disrespectful society. Who do you think is behind that instant craving for a cup of coffee during the allotted time for worship? Our spouse? Our flesh? The enemy? Just being limited in the amount of time we worship is not God.
We talk about unity, but where have we seen the greatest unity, the deepest love for others? I can tell you where I have seen it: at a church with unlimited worship. Worship can go on for an hour or more. Worship led by the Holy Spirit lasts longer than the message given by the pastor who heard it from the holy Spirit. The hugs and talk after a service like that is so different than the small shallow talk I have seen at other churches. People pray for each other, talk about their deep issues and linger longer, wanting to stay in the atmosphere that was created by inviting God and allowing Him to lead. Honestly, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the worship time coffee drinker. He isn't actually walking away from God's presence if God isn't there.
1 Peter 1:15-16New American Standard Bible (NASB)
15 but [a]like the Holy One who called you, [b]be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 16 because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.
Yesterday I heard a story of a man who mocked a man of God who was prophesying and paid with his life. When I hear stories like this, I always check myself. I do not want to mock God, knowingly or unknowingly. I thought about it. I prayed about. I spilled my thoughts to God and I listened for His words. To be honest, I am sad and I am angry.
A couple years ago when I was first chasing after Jesus, I watched a local church on line. One thing that bothered me every time I tuned into that service was the people getting up to get coffee, use the rest room, and/or whatever else they were doing. I thought it was a total disrespect to the pastor. Over time I have accepted that this is the church, but this morning I have a whole new anger. If we read what the church in Acts looks like and compare it to the church today, I have questions. Where is the verse that says, get the biggest building you can find? I can't find a verse on making the Church comfortable or providing coffee, but these aren't even the issues God wants to talk about this morning. No, this morning He wants to talk about our worship. I have been in a place of worship where his presence is so strong that people are changed just being in the room, so I know what it can be. But when a church allows 17 minutes for what they call worship and there are people getting coffee, talking and texting the word mockery comes to mind.
I can understand a person who does not know God or has not yet realized the greatness of His presence, moving around during worship, but shouldn't the Lord be invited in such a way that people realize what worship is. I think the church is really missing it in the area of explaining worship, communion, and God, among other things. Maybe the Church doesn't really know what it is to be in His presence. We claim to know this awesome being, the Creator of every thing that exists, who gave us our very breath and we say we gather to worship Him, but is that what we are really doing? When the staff member is in the back of the room, whispering, "I knew they would love this song?" Is it really about God? Is the Holy Spirit really leading the worship team? If He is, He should get the glory for what happens there. He should get the credit for the song that moved people closer to Him.
If we are truly following God, what we have to lose should never enter our mind. What people think should not ever be a concern greater than our concern over what God thinks. The same God that we are inviting into the church building so that we can spend 12 minutes worshipping Him, told Moses to take off his shoes, he was on Holy ground. Do we have to audibly hear His voice to realize we are in His presence? We invited Him. Do any of us understand who we are talking about? As much intimate, amazing, time as I have spent conversing with Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God, I would probably still wet myself if He spoke to me audibly. Why? Does that break down some barrier between us. Great is the faith of those who do not see and I have to believe hearing goes right along with that. To continue to have faith when we believe we have heard God and realize we didn't or didn't hear Him correctly, I admit is tough, but who do we think we are believing in? Have we become so callous, desensitized, or distant from the God we read about in the bible that we don't fall on our faces when we feel His presence in the room, even after we invited Him?
There is a man I have been watching for the last three years. I value his words above many other leaders. Why? Because he falls on his face during worship. He admits when he may have heard God wrong. The awe of being in God's presence is all over this man. He recently said that he has been in ministry for several years and the longer he is doing this the less he knows. I love that about him. He is not a know it all and is in total awe of the one who does know it all. This is the kind of leader, this is a leader, so many people respect.
It's not surprising that we would be so disrespectful of God that we would invite Him into our church building so that we could worship Him and then be distracted by a million other things. How many times have we invited another person for coffee or dinner and then spent the whole time talking on our phone or answering text messages. We are a disrespectful society. Who do you think is behind that instant craving for a cup of coffee during the allotted time for worship? Our spouse? Our flesh? The enemy? Just being limited in the amount of time we worship is not God.
We talk about unity, but where have we seen the greatest unity, the deepest love for others? I can tell you where I have seen it: at a church with unlimited worship. Worship can go on for an hour or more. Worship led by the Holy Spirit lasts longer than the message given by the pastor who heard it from the holy Spirit. The hugs and talk after a service like that is so different than the small shallow talk I have seen at other churches. People pray for each other, talk about their deep issues and linger longer, wanting to stay in the atmosphere that was created by inviting God and allowing Him to lead. Honestly, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the worship time coffee drinker. He isn't actually walking away from God's presence if God isn't there.
1 Peter 1:15-16New American Standard Bible (NASB)
15 but [a]like the Holy One who called you, [b]be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 16 because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”
It is about me, at least for now.
“Powerful people are not affected or infected by their environment. They refuse to be victims of others.”
― Danny Silk, Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
I had been in the hospital for two nights with my kids by my side at all times. I had more friends, who are really my family now, come to visit me and pray for me and my kids. We prayed trauma off my kids and the friends who had supported me along the road the day of the stroke. But then I caught on to something going on, something being whispered between my girls. I finally asked. Apparently my mother and step-dad were sitting in a waiting room in the hospital. The first thing that hit me was, they had never even crossed my mind. It had never even dawned on me to call them? Why? Several reasons. She is not a comfort to me, in fact she is the opposite, unneeded stress. My life is not her business. I couldn't fake it and refused to fake it. I did find the positive in that my girls got comfort from some of the things my step-dad advised them on. But when someone pushes their nose into your business when they are not welcome, eventually you don't share anything with them. A mother should not read the diary of a daughter in her late twenties. Yes, she has done things like that my whole life. She noses into what she wants to know, but yet, when asked why she stayed friends with a man who raped me repeatedly, her response is that it was too uncomfortable to end the relationship. My comfort has never been a concern. My whole life has never been about my comfort. Even Christmas, after I had kids we were all still forced to give my mother the Christmas she never had. I forgave her, but I do not have to accept her in my life, especially without her changing her behavior.
It was in this moment of realizing that she was in that hospital that I had to force myself to stay calm for my kids and for my own health. It reminded me of years ago in treatment, when I was asked to describe my relationship with my parents. I don't remember what I said about my dad, but I do remember how I described my mother. Imagine a bus full of young children out of control and heading for a cliff. Somehow I figure out how to get my pick up between the bus and the cliff and the children are all saved, yet I am now in a full body cast. Mother would come to the hospital furious, "I do not have time for this." Who cares the kids were saved. Who cares all my bones are broken? Her schedule is much more important. Now is the time I don't have to put her first. I'm sure she will be on the phone calling those who will listen and telling them how badly she has it, that her daughter had a stroke or to those close enough how badly I treated her. I decided in that moment to forgive her one more time and forget her. I have to focus on me. The reason I include this in my story is because I have talked with so many abused women who feel the same way. There are many abused men and women who can forgive the abuser, but to accept that a mother doesn't protect is much more difficult. Even the most ugly vicious animals protect their young.
One of the first days in the hospital my spiritual mom, my authority, prayed for me and looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not responsible to keep everyone happy. You take care of you." That became clearer every day. I had so many visitors and friends that I slept each night content to know that I was not alone. All those people I hoped meant it when they said they loved me, convinced me a little more that they really did. If nothing else came from the stroke, I found out I have true friends/family.
The two greatest commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. I wonder if God put it that way so that those who put themselves above others would understand how they needed to love others. And those who put others above themselves understood how they need to love themselves. This was a time for me to love myself. This was not going to be easy. Loving yourself is saying what you need and saying what you don't want, no matter what others say or do. I needed peace. I needed peace and rest for me and my kids, especially my pregnant daughter. We prayed trauma off that baby almost every day.
There are miracle healings that happen in an instant and many times I have wondered why many healings don't happen that way. Yet as I walked through each day of healing from this stroke, He is teaching me so much about me and more importantly about Him. One thing I learned is when I put a broken persons wants before my own needs, it is pride. I am putting others opinions of me before God's opinion of me.
I realized through the stroke, how many needy people I had in my life. The more broken you are the more your thoughts revolve around you. Everyone's actions somehow are about you, directed at you, because of you ... at least in your own mind. As you get healing and the wounds of your heart are addressed, your thoughts and concerns become more about others, and yet, others do not rule your life. So many try to push us to think of others first, but when wounds are not addressed and pain is not healed it is impossible to think of anyone but yourself for any length of time. The saddest part of all of this is that your behavior reflects the age of the wound. The only way to grow, to move past the wound is to submit, invite Jesus to do whatever He knows has to be done to heal you, no matter the pain or discomfort. If you can't trust Him to do that, you will continue through life as a wounded child needing what you can't get from anyone but Him.
I have to put myself first. My health depended on it. I never feared not healing. I knew God was there, even though He seemed to be talking to me through others more than talking to me directly. That was okay. That moment when you think you might die, things become very clear. It hit me the second day in the hospital, after the MRI, but before the stroke diagnosis. What if I die? I grabbed a friend and made him promise he would bring in the pastor, the one who had one time kept me alive, yet now we could not seem to speak to each other without fighting. I had to clean up my side of the street with him. That was it? That was the only thing that crossed my mind. My kids know they are my world. My grandkids are the only competition they have. I tell my friends how I feel about them, so they know. Those who are still stuck in the "Me" stage will only bring drama and forget me in no time, because they only see themselves. I have no regrets. I have lived my life as a broken person, trying to please everyone so they will love me and I no longer choose to do that. No person will control my actions unless they are under 5 years old and I am getting paid by the hour to be with them.
The rest of my life is about Jesus and me. To be healthy and to have healthy relationships is my priority. I will no longer play drama games. I will no longer put others before God.
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”
― Adam S. McHugh
― Danny Silk, Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
I had been in the hospital for two nights with my kids by my side at all times. I had more friends, who are really my family now, come to visit me and pray for me and my kids. We prayed trauma off my kids and the friends who had supported me along the road the day of the stroke. But then I caught on to something going on, something being whispered between my girls. I finally asked. Apparently my mother and step-dad were sitting in a waiting room in the hospital. The first thing that hit me was, they had never even crossed my mind. It had never even dawned on me to call them? Why? Several reasons. She is not a comfort to me, in fact she is the opposite, unneeded stress. My life is not her business. I couldn't fake it and refused to fake it. I did find the positive in that my girls got comfort from some of the things my step-dad advised them on. But when someone pushes their nose into your business when they are not welcome, eventually you don't share anything with them. A mother should not read the diary of a daughter in her late twenties. Yes, she has done things like that my whole life. She noses into what she wants to know, but yet, when asked why she stayed friends with a man who raped me repeatedly, her response is that it was too uncomfortable to end the relationship. My comfort has never been a concern. My whole life has never been about my comfort. Even Christmas, after I had kids we were all still forced to give my mother the Christmas she never had. I forgave her, but I do not have to accept her in my life, especially without her changing her behavior.
It was in this moment of realizing that she was in that hospital that I had to force myself to stay calm for my kids and for my own health. It reminded me of years ago in treatment, when I was asked to describe my relationship with my parents. I don't remember what I said about my dad, but I do remember how I described my mother. Imagine a bus full of young children out of control and heading for a cliff. Somehow I figure out how to get my pick up between the bus and the cliff and the children are all saved, yet I am now in a full body cast. Mother would come to the hospital furious, "I do not have time for this." Who cares the kids were saved. Who cares all my bones are broken? Her schedule is much more important. Now is the time I don't have to put her first. I'm sure she will be on the phone calling those who will listen and telling them how badly she has it, that her daughter had a stroke or to those close enough how badly I treated her. I decided in that moment to forgive her one more time and forget her. I have to focus on me. The reason I include this in my story is because I have talked with so many abused women who feel the same way. There are many abused men and women who can forgive the abuser, but to accept that a mother doesn't protect is much more difficult. Even the most ugly vicious animals protect their young.
One of the first days in the hospital my spiritual mom, my authority, prayed for me and looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not responsible to keep everyone happy. You take care of you." That became clearer every day. I had so many visitors and friends that I slept each night content to know that I was not alone. All those people I hoped meant it when they said they loved me, convinced me a little more that they really did. If nothing else came from the stroke, I found out I have true friends/family.
The two greatest commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. I wonder if God put it that way so that those who put themselves above others would understand how they needed to love others. And those who put others above themselves understood how they need to love themselves. This was a time for me to love myself. This was not going to be easy. Loving yourself is saying what you need and saying what you don't want, no matter what others say or do. I needed peace. I needed peace and rest for me and my kids, especially my pregnant daughter. We prayed trauma off that baby almost every day.
There are miracle healings that happen in an instant and many times I have wondered why many healings don't happen that way. Yet as I walked through each day of healing from this stroke, He is teaching me so much about me and more importantly about Him. One thing I learned is when I put a broken persons wants before my own needs, it is pride. I am putting others opinions of me before God's opinion of me.
I realized through the stroke, how many needy people I had in my life. The more broken you are the more your thoughts revolve around you. Everyone's actions somehow are about you, directed at you, because of you ... at least in your own mind. As you get healing and the wounds of your heart are addressed, your thoughts and concerns become more about others, and yet, others do not rule your life. So many try to push us to think of others first, but when wounds are not addressed and pain is not healed it is impossible to think of anyone but yourself for any length of time. The saddest part of all of this is that your behavior reflects the age of the wound. The only way to grow, to move past the wound is to submit, invite Jesus to do whatever He knows has to be done to heal you, no matter the pain or discomfort. If you can't trust Him to do that, you will continue through life as a wounded child needing what you can't get from anyone but Him.
I have to put myself first. My health depended on it. I never feared not healing. I knew God was there, even though He seemed to be talking to me through others more than talking to me directly. That was okay. That moment when you think you might die, things become very clear. It hit me the second day in the hospital, after the MRI, but before the stroke diagnosis. What if I die? I grabbed a friend and made him promise he would bring in the pastor, the one who had one time kept me alive, yet now we could not seem to speak to each other without fighting. I had to clean up my side of the street with him. That was it? That was the only thing that crossed my mind. My kids know they are my world. My grandkids are the only competition they have. I tell my friends how I feel about them, so they know. Those who are still stuck in the "Me" stage will only bring drama and forget me in no time, because they only see themselves. I have no regrets. I have lived my life as a broken person, trying to please everyone so they will love me and I no longer choose to do that. No person will control my actions unless they are under 5 years old and I am getting paid by the hour to be with them.
The rest of my life is about Jesus and me. To be healthy and to have healthy relationships is my priority. I will no longer play drama games. I will no longer put others before God.
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”
― Adam S. McHugh
Monday, February 1, 2016
Death Comes in all Shapes and Sizes
Mercy is God's refusal to join us in the identity sin would give us. - Tom Sterbens
My friend "B" was told he would have 7 weeks of treatment for his cancer. I asked the Lord where He wanted me in this picture. Totally available. Take care of him. So, I told "B" I would be there to drive him every day. Mondays were Chemo day. Hours of sitting in a room with several stations where people at various stages of their battle with death would spend the day reading, people watching, knitting, or the lucky ones, visiting with a friend or family member. I would text station numbers to friends for prayer for those who grabbed my heart and forced me to do something, anything I could do to help. I am so fascinated by the humans fight to live. I could sit in a cancer center all day and watch the process. It's the same reason I love to watch prison, war, slavery, etc movies. Of course in this real life situation, I can't help but fall apart on the drive home.
Monday through Friday for 1/2 hour "B" faces radiation. He has a special mask they built for him, that covers his face. Because the weight falls off of him daily, they have to manufacture a new one periodically. Usually on these days I wait in the car, read scripture and pray. "B" came back to the car one day with pictures of him on this suspended type table, wearing his mask with machinery from a horror movie all around him. I never was one for sci-fy, and this was too close.
My time with "B" every morning will always be special. We even talked about how we didn't need to talk. We could ride in silence and find comfort in each others presence. But as I watched him get thinner, and his anger turn to tears, the wall I had always kept up was beginning to fail me. I was realizing I had to face my own fear.
Five weeks into treatment and two weeks to go, we celebrated the best we could with a hot mocha at our favorite coffee stop, but what joy we had dug up quickly faded when he looked at me with tears and said, "I can't taste this at all. I can't enjoy it." We both knew that was probably our last coffee stop until... or maybe ever. "B" was accepting that his taste buds were gone for good. I refused. God is bigger than taste buds. I had taken "B" to the Healing Rooms for prayer and I believe he will be completely restored. He said the sinners prayer and I remind Jesus almost daily.
It was Halloween. A friend and I felt led to go out and pray. The Lord had us take some food, some quarters, warm socks and money. It was a Saturday so we went wherever He sent us. Mostly it was to churches and we would bless them. We would pull up in the parking lot and ask the Holy Spirit to touch the prayer team, the worship team, the pulpit and the congregation. We didn't battle, we only blessed. We read scripture the Lord gave us and watched for anything He wanted to show us. At one church we watched a man dressed as a shepherd walk in with a woman dressed as a witch. We felt the Lord was showing us something about that church and spent a little more time praying there. At the end of the night we met a man named Dave on the street. Dave had stage four cancer and was homeless. We fed him, gave him dry socks, quarters, and a little cash. Mostly, we prayed for him. He had issues with his mother and he cried hard. It was difficult to leave him. We felt good about our day and evening and headed home.
the next day, November first, a Sunday, I went for a walk with a friend I live with. We walked about a mile down our gravel road and turned around. After visiting for a short time, I jumped in the car to run errands. On that gravel road, on my way out, a branch had fallen across the road in the time it took me to get in my car and leave the house. It was just big enough that I had to stop and move it, instead of drive over it. I text my friend, exaggerating "We could have been crushed". He said, "But we weren't thank you Jesus." I continued toward town trying to decide which order I would make the four stops I needed to make. I had been trying for several months to stop smoking. I would go days and weeks without and then anger would usually drive me to the store. I had bought a pack in the days before and on this Sunday afternoon on my way to town I lit one up. I know God. I am supposed to stop, but You have to help me. He was about to.
As I was approaching a narrow bridge, something didn't feel right. For some reason I glanced down at the clock and it was 4:44. At one time that meant to me Hell afterlife. I began to pray and actually put out the cigarette I had barely lit. My first thought was spiritual attack, but then an invisible wave blew over me from left to right and I found it difficult to sit up. I knew I had to get the car off the road. The ditches were deep and I was not feeling in control. I parked across the end of a driveway, unsure if I was even off the road. Because I had text my friend I knew he was near his phone and I called him, not sure I would be conscience for long. I can't even explain the feeling of dizziness. It took everything I had to sit up. My body kept twisting to the left. As my friend answered, I knew I had minimal time to talk so I told him exactly where I was and to come now. I then called another friend and told her, "Pray "G", pray." was all I could say. I put the phone on speaker and dropped it. I rolled down both windows because it was so hot in my car and the sweat was running down my face and back. I finally shut off the engine so I could take my feet off the pedals. Then the vomiting started. I opened my door as little as possible, afraid I would fall out onto the roadway and as I vomited a severe pain behind my ear almost crippled me. I could hear two of my friends, who I would later realize were three, praying as my phone lay on the passenger seat. I started screaming for God over and over. I felt nothing, I heard nothing, I saw nothing, so I started screaming for Jesus, but He didn't answer either. Then my friend called and said he had been held up and it would be 5 more minutes. I calmly told him, "I won't live that long" and switched back to the prayer team.
I knew that I was going to die. I knew I was on my own. My prayer warriors were asking where I was, what's going on, can I come there, but I couldn't communicate anything. I saw a tow truck come out of a driveway right before the bridge and it was the closest thing to an emergency vehicle that was available and I went to wave my arms, but they wouldn't move. In fact, no part of my body was cooperating at that time. I had somehow twisted in my seat and as my body faced the door, my face was pressed against the back of the seat. Why was nobody stopping? Why was the homeowner not coming out to see why I was blocking his driveway? Why was I not hearing God's voice? If ever there was a moment where an audible word from God was appropriate, I sure felt like that was it.
God speaks to me differently than others, I have been told. As I sat there, I thought about the deer that hit me on this road. Months later at the same point in the road, a possum ran into the side of my car and only weeks before this day, I had a head on collision with a white wolf. Old Highway 99, He leaves the 99 to find the one. What does all this mean? I woke to hear my friends voice. There was another man there too. I would find out I had parked across the driveway of a retired paramedic. He was walking my friend through things to do. It was difficult to stay awake once I knew the ambulance was on it's way. I didn't want to stay in the valley. I wanted to go to the hospital 20 minutes away in the next county, but that was not an option. They decided I had vertigo, gave me a shot and within a mile I was out.
I woke in a room in the ER. I was in and out, noticing different things each time. I had two friends there, one praying over me constantly and the other, I could hear her voice but never saw her. My daughters were both there, one armed with a bible. I was in a total state of confusion as to what was going on. It was actually after 2 am when I could talk a little and every one had left but my oldest daughter. Apparently they were going with the EMT's diagnosis of vertigo, but I felt it was more than that.
All day Monday people were in and out. My girls were there constantly and I knew it was difficult for them with the grandkids and schedules. I had friends come in and pray, doctors, nurses, etc. The word was this is vertigo and you will go home soon. It didn't feel right. One of the physical therapists pulled my daughter aside and insisted that she insist on an MRI. My daughters and my friends were fighting the battle for me. I, in all my dysfunction, was busy reassuring everyone that everything would be fine. It was after 5 before they took me for the MRI and the night went quickly. The next morning they talked about whether they would discharge me that afternoon or the next morning. Something wasn't right and my kids were not happy. They were recording the doctor every time he updated.
My youngest was in the room with me when the doctor came in that Tuesday afternoon. She was 7 months pregnant and not comfortable at all. He sat in a chair and said, "We have to talk'" Just then my mom (spiritual mother) walked in and quickly backed out, but I stopped her. No, come in. I need you to hear this. I wasn't sure why, but I think it was about keeping my feet on the ground. She came in and sat next to my daughter.
Then the doctor said it, BAM. You have had a stroke. What a relief. I knew there was more and now we knew and knew what to do. Just then I saw my daughters face completely red and covered with tears. It's okay. We have an answer and now we know. I thank God Mom was there to comfort and pray for my little girl. She was distraught and I was relieved. I was relieved until later. Um God? Have I done something? It was a brief moment of panic. Has He left me. 444 on the clock. Death afterlife? Have I done something? The only person I knew who had a stroke was my grandpa and he had several and died when I was 6. I felt I stood at a fork in the road. I decided I was not going to complain. I was going to walk through this like a real believer should with confidence and faith. I would minister every chance I got. Yes, that is what I will do.
Each friend I called choked up. What in the hell is the matter with these so called believers??? Have they no faith? I need SOMEBODY to have some faith here!! God's not talking and His back up is weeping. This isn't like the testimonies I have heard. This is not kingdom walking. This is earthly crawling. Am I going to have to hold these people together? Sing to me Jesus. And He gives me this song!
My friend "B" was told he would have 7 weeks of treatment for his cancer. I asked the Lord where He wanted me in this picture. Totally available. Take care of him. So, I told "B" I would be there to drive him every day. Mondays were Chemo day. Hours of sitting in a room with several stations where people at various stages of their battle with death would spend the day reading, people watching, knitting, or the lucky ones, visiting with a friend or family member. I would text station numbers to friends for prayer for those who grabbed my heart and forced me to do something, anything I could do to help. I am so fascinated by the humans fight to live. I could sit in a cancer center all day and watch the process. It's the same reason I love to watch prison, war, slavery, etc movies. Of course in this real life situation, I can't help but fall apart on the drive home.
Monday through Friday for 1/2 hour "B" faces radiation. He has a special mask they built for him, that covers his face. Because the weight falls off of him daily, they have to manufacture a new one periodically. Usually on these days I wait in the car, read scripture and pray. "B" came back to the car one day with pictures of him on this suspended type table, wearing his mask with machinery from a horror movie all around him. I never was one for sci-fy, and this was too close.
My time with "B" every morning will always be special. We even talked about how we didn't need to talk. We could ride in silence and find comfort in each others presence. But as I watched him get thinner, and his anger turn to tears, the wall I had always kept up was beginning to fail me. I was realizing I had to face my own fear.
Five weeks into treatment and two weeks to go, we celebrated the best we could with a hot mocha at our favorite coffee stop, but what joy we had dug up quickly faded when he looked at me with tears and said, "I can't taste this at all. I can't enjoy it." We both knew that was probably our last coffee stop until... or maybe ever. "B" was accepting that his taste buds were gone for good. I refused. God is bigger than taste buds. I had taken "B" to the Healing Rooms for prayer and I believe he will be completely restored. He said the sinners prayer and I remind Jesus almost daily.
It was Halloween. A friend and I felt led to go out and pray. The Lord had us take some food, some quarters, warm socks and money. It was a Saturday so we went wherever He sent us. Mostly it was to churches and we would bless them. We would pull up in the parking lot and ask the Holy Spirit to touch the prayer team, the worship team, the pulpit and the congregation. We didn't battle, we only blessed. We read scripture the Lord gave us and watched for anything He wanted to show us. At one church we watched a man dressed as a shepherd walk in with a woman dressed as a witch. We felt the Lord was showing us something about that church and spent a little more time praying there. At the end of the night we met a man named Dave on the street. Dave had stage four cancer and was homeless. We fed him, gave him dry socks, quarters, and a little cash. Mostly, we prayed for him. He had issues with his mother and he cried hard. It was difficult to leave him. We felt good about our day and evening and headed home.
the next day, November first, a Sunday, I went for a walk with a friend I live with. We walked about a mile down our gravel road and turned around. After visiting for a short time, I jumped in the car to run errands. On that gravel road, on my way out, a branch had fallen across the road in the time it took me to get in my car and leave the house. It was just big enough that I had to stop and move it, instead of drive over it. I text my friend, exaggerating "We could have been crushed". He said, "But we weren't thank you Jesus." I continued toward town trying to decide which order I would make the four stops I needed to make. I had been trying for several months to stop smoking. I would go days and weeks without and then anger would usually drive me to the store. I had bought a pack in the days before and on this Sunday afternoon on my way to town I lit one up. I know God. I am supposed to stop, but You have to help me. He was about to.
As I was approaching a narrow bridge, something didn't feel right. For some reason I glanced down at the clock and it was 4:44. At one time that meant to me Hell afterlife. I began to pray and actually put out the cigarette I had barely lit. My first thought was spiritual attack, but then an invisible wave blew over me from left to right and I found it difficult to sit up. I knew I had to get the car off the road. The ditches were deep and I was not feeling in control. I parked across the end of a driveway, unsure if I was even off the road. Because I had text my friend I knew he was near his phone and I called him, not sure I would be conscience for long. I can't even explain the feeling of dizziness. It took everything I had to sit up. My body kept twisting to the left. As my friend answered, I knew I had minimal time to talk so I told him exactly where I was and to come now. I then called another friend and told her, "Pray "G", pray." was all I could say. I put the phone on speaker and dropped it. I rolled down both windows because it was so hot in my car and the sweat was running down my face and back. I finally shut off the engine so I could take my feet off the pedals. Then the vomiting started. I opened my door as little as possible, afraid I would fall out onto the roadway and as I vomited a severe pain behind my ear almost crippled me. I could hear two of my friends, who I would later realize were three, praying as my phone lay on the passenger seat. I started screaming for God over and over. I felt nothing, I heard nothing, I saw nothing, so I started screaming for Jesus, but He didn't answer either. Then my friend called and said he had been held up and it would be 5 more minutes. I calmly told him, "I won't live that long" and switched back to the prayer team.
I knew that I was going to die. I knew I was on my own. My prayer warriors were asking where I was, what's going on, can I come there, but I couldn't communicate anything. I saw a tow truck come out of a driveway right before the bridge and it was the closest thing to an emergency vehicle that was available and I went to wave my arms, but they wouldn't move. In fact, no part of my body was cooperating at that time. I had somehow twisted in my seat and as my body faced the door, my face was pressed against the back of the seat. Why was nobody stopping? Why was the homeowner not coming out to see why I was blocking his driveway? Why was I not hearing God's voice? If ever there was a moment where an audible word from God was appropriate, I sure felt like that was it.
God speaks to me differently than others, I have been told. As I sat there, I thought about the deer that hit me on this road. Months later at the same point in the road, a possum ran into the side of my car and only weeks before this day, I had a head on collision with a white wolf. Old Highway 99, He leaves the 99 to find the one. What does all this mean? I woke to hear my friends voice. There was another man there too. I would find out I had parked across the driveway of a retired paramedic. He was walking my friend through things to do. It was difficult to stay awake once I knew the ambulance was on it's way. I didn't want to stay in the valley. I wanted to go to the hospital 20 minutes away in the next county, but that was not an option. They decided I had vertigo, gave me a shot and within a mile I was out.
I woke in a room in the ER. I was in and out, noticing different things each time. I had two friends there, one praying over me constantly and the other, I could hear her voice but never saw her. My daughters were both there, one armed with a bible. I was in a total state of confusion as to what was going on. It was actually after 2 am when I could talk a little and every one had left but my oldest daughter. Apparently they were going with the EMT's diagnosis of vertigo, but I felt it was more than that.
All day Monday people were in and out. My girls were there constantly and I knew it was difficult for them with the grandkids and schedules. I had friends come in and pray, doctors, nurses, etc. The word was this is vertigo and you will go home soon. It didn't feel right. One of the physical therapists pulled my daughter aside and insisted that she insist on an MRI. My daughters and my friends were fighting the battle for me. I, in all my dysfunction, was busy reassuring everyone that everything would be fine. It was after 5 before they took me for the MRI and the night went quickly. The next morning they talked about whether they would discharge me that afternoon or the next morning. Something wasn't right and my kids were not happy. They were recording the doctor every time he updated.
My youngest was in the room with me when the doctor came in that Tuesday afternoon. She was 7 months pregnant and not comfortable at all. He sat in a chair and said, "We have to talk'" Just then my mom (spiritual mother) walked in and quickly backed out, but I stopped her. No, come in. I need you to hear this. I wasn't sure why, but I think it was about keeping my feet on the ground. She came in and sat next to my daughter.
Then the doctor said it, BAM. You have had a stroke. What a relief. I knew there was more and now we knew and knew what to do. Just then I saw my daughters face completely red and covered with tears. It's okay. We have an answer and now we know. I thank God Mom was there to comfort and pray for my little girl. She was distraught and I was relieved. I was relieved until later. Um God? Have I done something? It was a brief moment of panic. Has He left me. 444 on the clock. Death afterlife? Have I done something? The only person I knew who had a stroke was my grandpa and he had several and died when I was 6. I felt I stood at a fork in the road. I decided I was not going to complain. I was going to walk through this like a real believer should with confidence and faith. I would minister every chance I got. Yes, that is what I will do.
Each friend I called choked up. What in the hell is the matter with these so called believers??? Have they no faith? I need SOMEBODY to have some faith here!! God's not talking and His back up is weeping. This isn't like the testimonies I have heard. This is not kingdom walking. This is earthly crawling. Am I going to have to hold these people together? Sing to me Jesus. And He gives me this song!
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Back to the Beginning
Unforgiveness is making a god out of something or someone else, other than God. Unforgiveness effectively renders the cross of Christ of no effect and God's power in our life of no effect. When you make a god out of a transgression or a transgressor, it's idolatry. - Tom Sterbens
It has been exactly five months since I wrote here. My brain is so full, I can't sort my thoughts, so I asked Jesus, "Just give me a word to get me started?" "Delible" Honestly, I don't know if I have ever heard this word. Was that you God? I look it up and I laugh, "Capable of being deleted". That's God. Just write, it doesn't matter what, because any or all of it can be deleted.
In these last months there have been crazy times with Jesus, but two particular scenes come to mind because they have happened, the most often. One I am standing off to the side and behind Him. I am tugging at His sleeve, because I have questions. My brain is so full only He can sort this mess out. Hey, hey God, hello? then He turns around to see me there. He is wearing a huge, very patient smile, "Yes, Kayleen?" Then it happens, I can't form words with my mouth, or even in my head. Nothing comes out. All I can do is stare. He turns away and soon I am tugging at that sleeve again, no closer to forming a question, yet somehow finding at least some comfort in knowing that He continues to turn and inquire every time I tug.
The other scene is less about being overwhelmed and more about pain. In this scene He is huge and I am about eye level with his knee. He sits on that huge throne as I stand next to His bare foot, arms crossed and my back turned to Him. He has invited me to sit on His lap, but I have refused. This time the comfort comes in His bumping against me with his foot. Though I act like it doesn't affect me, it actually draws out a deeper desire to crawl up into that lap and disappear.
There have been many other moments, like screaming His name and when He didn't answer to God, I screamed Jesus. When I still didn't feel any relief I went back to screaming God. That story later, because right now I feel the need to balance this with the times He just sat next to me and the picture of me in the womb when Jesus moved in to become the amniotic sac around me. The day I looked in the mirror and said, I don't even recognize me in the mirror and He said, You don't recognize yourself in my eyes either." We have been to hell and back a few times over the last five months and I am about to break it down. Somehow I believe that through each of the next few writings I will find answers I have been searching for my whole life. I have looked everywhere, from bottles to men, from working to writing and the only time I felt like I was getting somewhere was the two times I went back to the womb. This fight started there in the womb, when only Satan and God knew I existed.
The pain inside informs us, it misinforms us of our worth. - Tom Sterbens
It has been exactly five months since I wrote here. My brain is so full, I can't sort my thoughts, so I asked Jesus, "Just give me a word to get me started?" "Delible" Honestly, I don't know if I have ever heard this word. Was that you God? I look it up and I laugh, "Capable of being deleted". That's God. Just write, it doesn't matter what, because any or all of it can be deleted.
In these last months there have been crazy times with Jesus, but two particular scenes come to mind because they have happened, the most often. One I am standing off to the side and behind Him. I am tugging at His sleeve, because I have questions. My brain is so full only He can sort this mess out. Hey, hey God, hello? then He turns around to see me there. He is wearing a huge, very patient smile, "Yes, Kayleen?" Then it happens, I can't form words with my mouth, or even in my head. Nothing comes out. All I can do is stare. He turns away and soon I am tugging at that sleeve again, no closer to forming a question, yet somehow finding at least some comfort in knowing that He continues to turn and inquire every time I tug.
The other scene is less about being overwhelmed and more about pain. In this scene He is huge and I am about eye level with his knee. He sits on that huge throne as I stand next to His bare foot, arms crossed and my back turned to Him. He has invited me to sit on His lap, but I have refused. This time the comfort comes in His bumping against me with his foot. Though I act like it doesn't affect me, it actually draws out a deeper desire to crawl up into that lap and disappear.
There have been many other moments, like screaming His name and when He didn't answer to God, I screamed Jesus. When I still didn't feel any relief I went back to screaming God. That story later, because right now I feel the need to balance this with the times He just sat next to me and the picture of me in the womb when Jesus moved in to become the amniotic sac around me. The day I looked in the mirror and said, I don't even recognize me in the mirror and He said, You don't recognize yourself in my eyes either." We have been to hell and back a few times over the last five months and I am about to break it down. Somehow I believe that through each of the next few writings I will find answers I have been searching for my whole life. I have looked everywhere, from bottles to men, from working to writing and the only time I felt like I was getting somewhere was the two times I went back to the womb. This fight started there in the womb, when only Satan and God knew I existed.
The pain inside informs us, it misinforms us of our worth. - Tom Sterbens
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
That didn't hurt.
“I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.”
― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
A couple weeks ago the Lord showed me a wound that is coming between us. It is affecting my trust in Him and my belief that I will make it to heaven. I kept getting this picture of Jesus coming back for us and looking at me, "Ha. Jokes on you. You thought I loved you, but I never planned on taking you." At first I thought it was the enemy, but as I prayed about it and talked about it with friends I realized it was Jesus, showing me a deep rooted fear. There is the rejection again. Where is this coming from? He showed me three men. The first one was where the wound started, when my dad left. Then the second was a man I had trusted for many years that turned on me and the same with the third and most recent. Now what?
If there is one thing I could teach every person I meet or help every person improve on, it's hearing God. If each person could hear Him clearly for themselves instead of depending on others, or even scripture, I would feel like I had accomplished something. Sometimes we are alone in a situation without a bible and God is speaking direction He wants us to take, words He wants us to speak and yet, we aren't even listening. Instead we are going back on what we know in our own heads and that can be dangerous. Scripture in the heart is good, but even scripture in the head can be distorted. Believe it or not, it can become a crutch. When Jesus asks us to speak, it can be so far out there by world standards that unless we are so familiar with His voice, we don't believe it is Him. He often gives us a word that shoots right through the heart like an arrow and speaks to the person in a way we do not understand. He knows all, we don't.
As I was driving home one night, I was talking out loud in the car to Jesus. I am so tired of living the way He has me living right now. Yes, I have all my needs met, but there are things I just want. I was explaining to Him that I see the incredible things He does and if for instance He would heal my eyes it would be one less expense. Why Jesus? Why can't you just snap your fingers and heal my eyes? No answer. That night lying in bed in the dark staring up at a ceiling I could barely see in the darkness, Jesus appeared. I couldn't see Him like I can see my hand right now, but I could see Him in the spirit. Like a little kid He was lying on His stomach about 2 or 3 feet above me, His face above mine. We stared at each other for quite some time before He lowered His hands and laid them across my eyes and then blew very hard on the backs of His hands. Suddenly, I could see the second of the three men. He was 13 years old at the funeral of his mother. He wore a suit and was wiping his eyes with his sleeve. I could feel his pain. It was so deep, I could not control my tears. It hurt so badly, I could barely stand it. Then it hit me. This was a wound we never talked about. This was a wound he never completely healed from and through this wound he hurt me. It was easy to forgive him. I had before and was no longer angry, but it went deeper knowing where his behavior came from.
Then Jesus reached down with his hands and did it again. I saw my dad, under a table or something around 5 or 6 years old. He was covering his ears and he was scared. The tears were falling as I could feel his hurt and fear. This was where his actions came from. This was something I don't totally understand, but I felt the feelings and I know this is where his behavior is rooted.
Jesus reached down for a third time, but I told him "No". I knew who was next and I didn't want to see it. My wounds are too raw from him and I don't want to go there. We went back to staring at each other and may have even shared words I don't remember, but Jesus has a way of talking without words. I finally gave in and He laid His hands across my eyes. Only this time He barely blew on the backs of His hands. I saw a blender on a counter. It was full of green slushy stuff. In a vision green means growth, prosperity, and conscience if it's positive or humanism and compromise on the negative side. I'm not sure what they were trying to feed him. Behind the blender I could see part of a kitchen with ugly yellow wall paper with flowers. There he was, leaning against the counter. He was somewhere between 12 and 15. Anger, fear and pain were the feelings as his shoulders hunched forward and his head was down. I looked only for a second, before I blinked it away and rolled onto my side to sleep. I didn't want to see anymore. Jesus whispered, "You said you wanted your eyes healed."
I share this story and many before it, not to say, "Look at me! Jesus and I are tight." No, I share it to show those that don't hear, Jesus has so much more for us and communicates in so many ways. English is not His only language. Do we really think He is up there speaking in English with His angels? Is He using words at all? He has been my counselor, more than anyone. Yes, people have helped me a lot, but the greatest counseling, healing, Truth, I get are in those moments with Him. He talks to us in so many ways. In my sharing I have had people realize He was talking to them. There is no such thing as coincidence. Somebody said once that coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous, but He doesn't want to stay anonymous, He wants conversation, He wants intimacy, He wants what all of us want in relationship, trust respect, time with each other, etc.
I shared this story with two trusted friends and one asked, "Don't you want to be healed?" What stopped me from wanting to see the rest of the picture, the feelings? I don't know.
There is a place in the county where I have done more worshipping, giving praise and glory to God than any other place and that is a friend's driveway. Over the years we have spent hours sitting in her car or mine or even others, processing the goodness, the awesomeness of what God is doing. It usually happens after ministry. We talk about all the things Jesus said and did that day. He is so good. As the two of us sat in the driveway a few days ago processing the mornings ministry and the awesome things Jesus did, the conversation came around to my healing in this area. My friend began walking me through it. When was the first time you felt this way? Back into the past we went to dig out the roots. It was hot in the car, because the Holy Spirit's presence can heat up a space. Our windows were part way down as she walked me through the memories. The wind was picking up and we heard a tree crack. We continued and occasionally stopped to acknowledge the sound of the tree cracking. I said at one point, "Trees represent leadership and all these men were authority. I feel like this tree cracking is God talking." We laughed, because we know, He does stuff like that. As she walked me through forgiveness in specific areas we were stopped as a huge oak tree next door, fell over, roots pulled right out of the ground, the whole thing went over. We kept going and the atmosphere changed. By the time I left there I was a lot lighter and there were a few trees on the ground. Was it God? Most would say it was a wind storm, and it was, but I believe it was prophetic. As we forgive it allows the Holy Spirit to do a work in those we forgive. The Holy Spirit is moving through this area and the cracked, weak and dead in leadership will be taken out unless they are willing to go back to the roots of the hurt and heal it.
We have to be able to go back and look at the roots of our pain. We have to start by admitting there is pain. I keep seeing that little boy wiping his tears on his sleeve. We have all seen kids with tears streaming down their faces and an angry tone claiming, "That didn't hurt." Or how about, "I don't care." But we know it does hurt and we know they do care, by their words and their tears. My friend told me she knew we had hit on it when I began to bite my nails. Good catch. Claiming it doesn't hurt or I don't care, it doesn't bother me while chewing away on my nails says a lot. Many of us don't want it to hurt. We don't want to admit that another person had or has that power over us. Why are we still talking about it? Because it hurts. Why are the tears falling? Because my heart is broken.
I woke up two days later with God speaking. Unhealed childhood hurts, bring out childish behavior. The age of the unhealed wound is the age of reaction to the same pain. He says to come to Him like children. It is in those places, those wounds, that we can be vulnerable with Him. Yes, Jesus, it hurt when Dad left. It broke my heart when he said it was over. It still hurts, whenever he says things about me because it reminds me of the rejection I feel from him. It screams "I hate you." No matter what words others hear, I hear "You meant nothing to me." I remember one time looking at a friend with anger dripping from my eyes, "I don't want to forgive him." Another friend said, "That right there is honesty." The first friend came over, pointed at his shoulder and said, "Let it go." I cried like a baby on his shoulder for several minutes. Forgiveness is huge, but we can't forgive an offense we don't admit is there. Forgiveness should be so deep and wide that they can no longer offend us. They can no longer hurt us, because we see that their actions are rooted in childhood wounds and until that is healed, their reactions will be as a child the age the wounding took place.
People can be mature in several areas of their lives, but have one unhealed area where their actions are of a teenager or even toddler. If the time comes that God wants the wound healed and we don't go back to that place and heal it, God will allow the enemy to keep poking at that wound through people until we either go back or blow up our lives. It's a choice. When he reveals a gaping, seeping wound and we ignore it, it can get infected and take our life. He will take us out of ministry if our wound is seeping on others whether they know it or not. This country is a mess because of rejection. We have people trying to get a long with people, but a huge wall of rejection stands between them. It's in our government, it's in our teachers, leaders, people on the street. Everybody is angry and self absorbed because of rejection and it's a me, me, what about me, society. It can be turned around by changing our focus to you, you, you and forgiving.
Sitting in that driveway, I told my friend, when we are abused in some way, we grow up and run from that behavior or we find ourselves abusing others the same way." She said, "And I think God has had enough." Then the huge oak went down.
“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
A couple weeks ago the Lord showed me a wound that is coming between us. It is affecting my trust in Him and my belief that I will make it to heaven. I kept getting this picture of Jesus coming back for us and looking at me, "Ha. Jokes on you. You thought I loved you, but I never planned on taking you." At first I thought it was the enemy, but as I prayed about it and talked about it with friends I realized it was Jesus, showing me a deep rooted fear. There is the rejection again. Where is this coming from? He showed me three men. The first one was where the wound started, when my dad left. Then the second was a man I had trusted for many years that turned on me and the same with the third and most recent. Now what?
If there is one thing I could teach every person I meet or help every person improve on, it's hearing God. If each person could hear Him clearly for themselves instead of depending on others, or even scripture, I would feel like I had accomplished something. Sometimes we are alone in a situation without a bible and God is speaking direction He wants us to take, words He wants us to speak and yet, we aren't even listening. Instead we are going back on what we know in our own heads and that can be dangerous. Scripture in the heart is good, but even scripture in the head can be distorted. Believe it or not, it can become a crutch. When Jesus asks us to speak, it can be so far out there by world standards that unless we are so familiar with His voice, we don't believe it is Him. He often gives us a word that shoots right through the heart like an arrow and speaks to the person in a way we do not understand. He knows all, we don't.
As I was driving home one night, I was talking out loud in the car to Jesus. I am so tired of living the way He has me living right now. Yes, I have all my needs met, but there are things I just want. I was explaining to Him that I see the incredible things He does and if for instance He would heal my eyes it would be one less expense. Why Jesus? Why can't you just snap your fingers and heal my eyes? No answer. That night lying in bed in the dark staring up at a ceiling I could barely see in the darkness, Jesus appeared. I couldn't see Him like I can see my hand right now, but I could see Him in the spirit. Like a little kid He was lying on His stomach about 2 or 3 feet above me, His face above mine. We stared at each other for quite some time before He lowered His hands and laid them across my eyes and then blew very hard on the backs of His hands. Suddenly, I could see the second of the three men. He was 13 years old at the funeral of his mother. He wore a suit and was wiping his eyes with his sleeve. I could feel his pain. It was so deep, I could not control my tears. It hurt so badly, I could barely stand it. Then it hit me. This was a wound we never talked about. This was a wound he never completely healed from and through this wound he hurt me. It was easy to forgive him. I had before and was no longer angry, but it went deeper knowing where his behavior came from.
Then Jesus reached down with his hands and did it again. I saw my dad, under a table or something around 5 or 6 years old. He was covering his ears and he was scared. The tears were falling as I could feel his hurt and fear. This was where his actions came from. This was something I don't totally understand, but I felt the feelings and I know this is where his behavior is rooted.
Jesus reached down for a third time, but I told him "No". I knew who was next and I didn't want to see it. My wounds are too raw from him and I don't want to go there. We went back to staring at each other and may have even shared words I don't remember, but Jesus has a way of talking without words. I finally gave in and He laid His hands across my eyes. Only this time He barely blew on the backs of His hands. I saw a blender on a counter. It was full of green slushy stuff. In a vision green means growth, prosperity, and conscience if it's positive or humanism and compromise on the negative side. I'm not sure what they were trying to feed him. Behind the blender I could see part of a kitchen with ugly yellow wall paper with flowers. There he was, leaning against the counter. He was somewhere between 12 and 15. Anger, fear and pain were the feelings as his shoulders hunched forward and his head was down. I looked only for a second, before I blinked it away and rolled onto my side to sleep. I didn't want to see anymore. Jesus whispered, "You said you wanted your eyes healed."
I share this story and many before it, not to say, "Look at me! Jesus and I are tight." No, I share it to show those that don't hear, Jesus has so much more for us and communicates in so many ways. English is not His only language. Do we really think He is up there speaking in English with His angels? Is He using words at all? He has been my counselor, more than anyone. Yes, people have helped me a lot, but the greatest counseling, healing, Truth, I get are in those moments with Him. He talks to us in so many ways. In my sharing I have had people realize He was talking to them. There is no such thing as coincidence. Somebody said once that coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous, but He doesn't want to stay anonymous, He wants conversation, He wants intimacy, He wants what all of us want in relationship, trust respect, time with each other, etc.
I shared this story with two trusted friends and one asked, "Don't you want to be healed?" What stopped me from wanting to see the rest of the picture, the feelings? I don't know.
There is a place in the county where I have done more worshipping, giving praise and glory to God than any other place and that is a friend's driveway. Over the years we have spent hours sitting in her car or mine or even others, processing the goodness, the awesomeness of what God is doing. It usually happens after ministry. We talk about all the things Jesus said and did that day. He is so good. As the two of us sat in the driveway a few days ago processing the mornings ministry and the awesome things Jesus did, the conversation came around to my healing in this area. My friend began walking me through it. When was the first time you felt this way? Back into the past we went to dig out the roots. It was hot in the car, because the Holy Spirit's presence can heat up a space. Our windows were part way down as she walked me through the memories. The wind was picking up and we heard a tree crack. We continued and occasionally stopped to acknowledge the sound of the tree cracking. I said at one point, "Trees represent leadership and all these men were authority. I feel like this tree cracking is God talking." We laughed, because we know, He does stuff like that. As she walked me through forgiveness in specific areas we were stopped as a huge oak tree next door, fell over, roots pulled right out of the ground, the whole thing went over. We kept going and the atmosphere changed. By the time I left there I was a lot lighter and there were a few trees on the ground. Was it God? Most would say it was a wind storm, and it was, but I believe it was prophetic. As we forgive it allows the Holy Spirit to do a work in those we forgive. The Holy Spirit is moving through this area and the cracked, weak and dead in leadership will be taken out unless they are willing to go back to the roots of the hurt and heal it.
We have to be able to go back and look at the roots of our pain. We have to start by admitting there is pain. I keep seeing that little boy wiping his tears on his sleeve. We have all seen kids with tears streaming down their faces and an angry tone claiming, "That didn't hurt." Or how about, "I don't care." But we know it does hurt and we know they do care, by their words and their tears. My friend told me she knew we had hit on it when I began to bite my nails. Good catch. Claiming it doesn't hurt or I don't care, it doesn't bother me while chewing away on my nails says a lot. Many of us don't want it to hurt. We don't want to admit that another person had or has that power over us. Why are we still talking about it? Because it hurts. Why are the tears falling? Because my heart is broken.
I woke up two days later with God speaking. Unhealed childhood hurts, bring out childish behavior. The age of the unhealed wound is the age of reaction to the same pain. He says to come to Him like children. It is in those places, those wounds, that we can be vulnerable with Him. Yes, Jesus, it hurt when Dad left. It broke my heart when he said it was over. It still hurts, whenever he says things about me because it reminds me of the rejection I feel from him. It screams "I hate you." No matter what words others hear, I hear "You meant nothing to me." I remember one time looking at a friend with anger dripping from my eyes, "I don't want to forgive him." Another friend said, "That right there is honesty." The first friend came over, pointed at his shoulder and said, "Let it go." I cried like a baby on his shoulder for several minutes. Forgiveness is huge, but we can't forgive an offense we don't admit is there. Forgiveness should be so deep and wide that they can no longer offend us. They can no longer hurt us, because we see that their actions are rooted in childhood wounds and until that is healed, their reactions will be as a child the age the wounding took place.
People can be mature in several areas of their lives, but have one unhealed area where their actions are of a teenager or even toddler. If the time comes that God wants the wound healed and we don't go back to that place and heal it, God will allow the enemy to keep poking at that wound through people until we either go back or blow up our lives. It's a choice. When he reveals a gaping, seeping wound and we ignore it, it can get infected and take our life. He will take us out of ministry if our wound is seeping on others whether they know it or not. This country is a mess because of rejection. We have people trying to get a long with people, but a huge wall of rejection stands between them. It's in our government, it's in our teachers, leaders, people on the street. Everybody is angry and self absorbed because of rejection and it's a me, me, what about me, society. It can be turned around by changing our focus to you, you, you and forgiving.
Sitting in that driveway, I told my friend, when we are abused in some way, we grow up and run from that behavior or we find ourselves abusing others the same way." She said, "And I think God has had enough." Then the huge oak went down.
“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
Friday, August 28, 2015
"B" Jesus
“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.”
― C.S. Lewis
I went there to pray for others. I was trying to worship in preparation for praying for healing over emotionally, spiritually and physically broken people, but it was hard to focus. Less than two hours earlier I had received a text from my friend. One of my oldest friendships. I value those I have carried a friendship with over decades, because there are so few of them left. Most of my close friends are dead. At 3:33 I received the text; "Hi, I have cancer." There were more words, but I didn't see them. That was two days ago and as I maneuver my way through the days, every couple hours an invisible hand comes out of no where and grabs me by the throat and I can't breathe. I have to go back to the chess board. On my knees in worship shortly after "the text" I told Jesus, "I don't want to be here. I don't know how to feel. This hurts. I'm scared. He is not a believer. What do I do right now in this minute?" He showed me a huge chess board with people sitting in the squares waiting for their next move. "No matter where the pieces move they are still in the picture." I'm not sure what this means exactly. All I know is he is my oldest male friendship that has lasted over the years. Even when we get together and talk about friends, they are dead now. I am too young for this.
Priority is salvation. He lost his best friend to cancer only months ago. I prayed for him, but he wouldn't let us come to his bedside and probably died without Jesus. My friend, I will call "B" and I talk about God. He knows cancer doesn't come from God, so he believes and he knows God is good even when his friend is dying. He asks for prayer support, so he believes in prayer. Priority of salvation is moving forward. There is even a church he goes to occasionally with his girlfriend and he likes the pastor. Awesome. But we never talk long before he remembers the ugly stuff. "B" is an intelligent man and an artist. He likes to laugh and he really cares about people. I met him in the 12 step program so we have a lot in common when it comes to dealing with feelings as we are of those who choose numbing over dealing. But because we have been friends so long, we know we are safe to share our feelings. After all these years we can share with eye contact, no words necessary. He doesn't like Christians and I don't blame him. What he has seen is not love, it's stupid.
"B" went to a baby dedication at another church and the pastor was talking about stupid stuff, not God. He was not winning "B" over by far, in fact, he was running him out. He wanted to get up and leave. It's hard to separate Christ and Christians to those who have not yet decided. I can say amateur psychology does not belong in the church.
I wonder how we find unity when people don't want truth. I have repeatedly told my friends, if I am not seeing a spirit on me, a habit or an unloving behavior on myself, please tell me. I want to know. Even if I get up and leave, I promise to look at it and I will be back. I don't want to be stuck. I want to grow. Everybody has little things they are dealing with and we will always heal and continue to grow. I love seeing this stuff, because I can pray, but it's the big gaping wounds that are seeping on others that make me crazy. Like a street preacher who is screaming in judgment outside a church and my 5 year old grandson is scared. Really? Really? You obviously have gifts of great knowledge of scripture and boldness, but you are scaring children, my children and grandchildren and that is not okay. Especially when they are finally open to God and you scream them into the car and out of the parking lot. They are traumatized 2 weeks later. "B" don't look at them. Don't look at anyone holding a sign with fire and hell on it.
"B" don't look at that guy with the "I love my church" T-shirt who just screamed profanity. "B" all believers don't drive like that. Let's talk about Jesus. "B" over here, stop looking at that short skirt on that children's ministry leader. "B" the pastor may be having an off day. Let's talk about Jesus. It's really hard to focus on the unknown invisible God when His kids are so visibly not being Christ like.
I sat and watched people and I couldn't tell the difference. "B" understands the baby believers, but in the 12 step program the old timers stand out. They usually have wisdom and knowledge in every situation. But in the Church very few old timers stand out from others, unless they are wearing a scowl of judgment. Yep, I won't be taking "B" to any churches. But I will be bringing friends, spiritual fully believing in the bigness of God, friends to him to introduce Jesus.
“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.”
― C.S. Lewis
― C.S. Lewis
I went there to pray for others. I was trying to worship in preparation for praying for healing over emotionally, spiritually and physically broken people, but it was hard to focus. Less than two hours earlier I had received a text from my friend. One of my oldest friendships. I value those I have carried a friendship with over decades, because there are so few of them left. Most of my close friends are dead. At 3:33 I received the text; "Hi, I have cancer." There were more words, but I didn't see them. That was two days ago and as I maneuver my way through the days, every couple hours an invisible hand comes out of no where and grabs me by the throat and I can't breathe. I have to go back to the chess board. On my knees in worship shortly after "the text" I told Jesus, "I don't want to be here. I don't know how to feel. This hurts. I'm scared. He is not a believer. What do I do right now in this minute?" He showed me a huge chess board with people sitting in the squares waiting for their next move. "No matter where the pieces move they are still in the picture." I'm not sure what this means exactly. All I know is he is my oldest male friendship that has lasted over the years. Even when we get together and talk about friends, they are dead now. I am too young for this.
Priority is salvation. He lost his best friend to cancer only months ago. I prayed for him, but he wouldn't let us come to his bedside and probably died without Jesus. My friend, I will call "B" and I talk about God. He knows cancer doesn't come from God, so he believes and he knows God is good even when his friend is dying. He asks for prayer support, so he believes in prayer. Priority of salvation is moving forward. There is even a church he goes to occasionally with his girlfriend and he likes the pastor. Awesome. But we never talk long before he remembers the ugly stuff. "B" is an intelligent man and an artist. He likes to laugh and he really cares about people. I met him in the 12 step program so we have a lot in common when it comes to dealing with feelings as we are of those who choose numbing over dealing. But because we have been friends so long, we know we are safe to share our feelings. After all these years we can share with eye contact, no words necessary. He doesn't like Christians and I don't blame him. What he has seen is not love, it's stupid.
"B" went to a baby dedication at another church and the pastor was talking about stupid stuff, not God. He was not winning "B" over by far, in fact, he was running him out. He wanted to get up and leave. It's hard to separate Christ and Christians to those who have not yet decided. I can say amateur psychology does not belong in the church.
I wonder how we find unity when people don't want truth. I have repeatedly told my friends, if I am not seeing a spirit on me, a habit or an unloving behavior on myself, please tell me. I want to know. Even if I get up and leave, I promise to look at it and I will be back. I don't want to be stuck. I want to grow. Everybody has little things they are dealing with and we will always heal and continue to grow. I love seeing this stuff, because I can pray, but it's the big gaping wounds that are seeping on others that make me crazy. Like a street preacher who is screaming in judgment outside a church and my 5 year old grandson is scared. Really? Really? You obviously have gifts of great knowledge of scripture and boldness, but you are scaring children, my children and grandchildren and that is not okay. Especially when they are finally open to God and you scream them into the car and out of the parking lot. They are traumatized 2 weeks later. "B" don't look at them. Don't look at anyone holding a sign with fire and hell on it.
"B" don't look at that guy with the "I love my church" T-shirt who just screamed profanity. "B" all believers don't drive like that. Let's talk about Jesus. "B" over here, stop looking at that short skirt on that children's ministry leader. "B" the pastor may be having an off day. Let's talk about Jesus. It's really hard to focus on the unknown invisible God when His kids are so visibly not being Christ like.
I sat and watched people and I couldn't tell the difference. "B" understands the baby believers, but in the 12 step program the old timers stand out. They usually have wisdom and knowledge in every situation. But in the Church very few old timers stand out from others, unless they are wearing a scowl of judgment. Yep, I won't be taking "B" to any churches. But I will be bringing friends, spiritual fully believing in the bigness of God, friends to him to introduce Jesus.
“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.”
― C.S. Lewis
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Son or slave? And to Whom?
1 Thessalonians 5:18-22 New American Standard Bible (NASB)
18 in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not quench the Spirit; 20 do not despise prophetic [a]utterances. 21 But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; 22 abstain from every [b]form of evil.
I'm looking for a copy of The Holy Bible part 2. There must be a newer testament that tells us to be nice no matter what. That's what I am hearing all around me, that Jesus is nothing but nice. The last testament I read, the New One, is not all about being nice. I won't mention Saul was struck blind to help him see Jesus or anything about Ananias, and his wife Sapphira falling down dead for lying, but what about the woman at the well? Is it nice to say, "Go call your husband and come here", knowing she not only had no husband, but had been married 5 times and was now living with a man? If I did that to someone, I would be labelled mean. I can only imagine what shame she was feeling and maybe embarrassment. Is that nice? Scripture does not say there were other people around so maybe He was nice in approaching the subject in private, but whatever knowledge we have about how things were back then, we don't know that others were not listening in on their conversation.
I have experienced times in my walk that I would not call Jesus "nice" and there are people who do not believe it was Jesus. Why? Because they have been programmed in niceness. But when I tell my stories to some who have experienced similar things they break down, because they realize they are not crazy. We have a bigger problem and it stems from this niceness. People, leaders, those who have walked with Jesus longer are too quick to say, that's not Jesus. I have friends, most of my friends who have not experienced Jesus the way I have, but, they know me, and they know my relationship with Him and the experiences I have. I would say the most difficult, the most abandoned and betrayed I felt from the way Jesus was treating me was in my room a few years back. Try to imagine, I was coming to terms with the truth that Jesus was not the cause of years of abuse. I had felt betrayed by Him my whole life and was just beginning to understand this thing called "freewill". As I was worshipping in my room, deep in worship and I could feel His presence before me, as I was on my face, suddenly He moved away and a demon appeared. I could still feel Him to my right, but was completely confused as to why He would move away and allow this demon to sit in front of me. I was angry, I was hurt, I was confused and if this thing wasn't blocking me I would have walked out. Jesus said, "Make it go." I yelled back at Him, "You make it go. I can't believe you would turn me over to this thing after I was beginning to believe you." He repeated, "Make it go." I said, "You make it go, You're Jesus." After several minutes of being consumed by my hurt, disguised in anger, I did make it go and He showed me the lesson. I had learned my authority and He was with me. It was the most difficult lesson, but one of the most freeing. Was He nice? NO! Was it necessary? It worked. I will never forget it.
As I grew in confidence and my fear faded, I began to share my experiences with others. Then it happened to me. The one person who had spent many hours trying to convince me Jesus loved me and that I did hear Him, suddenly changed his story when I told Him something he didn't want to hear. Since then I fight doubt all the time. When I finally asked Jesus why I could not surrender that last little piece of me I was hiding away from Him, as though He really couldn't see it, He brought this up. In the gentle way He does things, He led me to a teaching. It was one I was only half listening to as I was focused on other things, but one sentence caught my attention. My spirit jumped and I had to get paper, pen and rewind the teaching.
This man was speaking about people leaving the church in great numbers. Many have had a spiritual experience they did not understand and because the church did not know how to answer their questions, they go looking elsewhere. One example John told of was when he was having a conversation with the head witch from New England. This guy had a spiritual experience and asked his pastor what was happening to him. The pastor said, "God doesn't speak that way anymore. That was the devil." He told the pastor, "I have seen more power in this experience than I've ever seen in the church. I'm going to find the devil." He did. As John was talking with him, the Lord revealed that the experience was a call to be a pastor. The man had several gifts. A gift to understand spiritual things, a gift to rally people together and a gift of bringing people into a new destination. The witch knew it was true and his eyes filled with tears. He said, "It is too late, now." John didn't give up on him and they spent a lot of time together, but four months later he died of an over dose. Somebody, probably led by satan, injected him with a lethal dose of drugs. Why? Because he was getting to know God. I totally understood this. Though I would never walk away from God, I have tried to give the Lord back my gifts. I have shied away from ministry on several occasions. Doubt. Doubt is a killer and instead of saying someone is hearing the wrong spirit, we need to walk them through scripture that confirms or denies. This is a bigger problem than we realize.
At New Age fairs, many, many of the people once went to church and believed in God, but the spiritual power they felt, whether it was from God or the enemy, compared to a passive church that does not know it's authority was to enticing. They had to go find a spiritual being to submit to and it is not always God they find. By looking at the sleeping church today, it often appears the enemy has more power. The world has changed the meaning of the word spiritual. All this New Age stuff is talking about being spiritual, but you are your own God or we are all part of a bigger god. Some don't realize it's not the one and only King of Kings and other's don't care. John Pail Jackson said, "The only time darkness wins is when we find darkness is more submitted to their god than we are to ours. We are far too passive with the majesty of God. This passivity which may even become apathy, to the majesty of God is what keeps authority from growing in us."
This apathy, I believe, is also contributing to this "niceness" that is spreading like wildfire. Can't we all just get along, hide our heads and pretend everything is okay? NO! Things are not okay. Hebrews 5:7-8 says In the days of His flesh, He offered up both prayers and supplications with loud crying and tears to the One able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His piety. (8) Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered. Really? Jesus learned obedience through the things He suffered? Then why are we so afraid of pain? Why are we so afraid we are going to hurt some one's feelings? Why are we afraid to suffer? Most people will tell you it was in the suffering they found Jesus.
The elect may be fooled, because the enemy has been working out this plan for a long time. The words from the teaching I was listening to, that stood out to me were "they will flatter you. They will tell you things you will become" As I went back and listened I realized, I had fallen for this. Romans 16:18 For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own [i]appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting. False teachers and prophets use flattery. I had one tell me I was going to do something great that changed this geographical area and though there were many more words, that was really all she said. I fell for the flattery for a short time, but then I saw it. The problem with too much niceness, is it sounds a lot like flattery. Without sharp discernment, how will we know the difference? Even the elect may be fooled.
Also in the teaching the thing that stood out to me is how God woos us back to Him if we wander off. The father running out to meet the prodigal son on his return is often used, because it is a great example. John compared it to the dark spirits when you wander away from them. "They don't just say, sorry to see you go, they then threaten you, cajole you, roust you, come to you and with violence want to bring you back." If you walk away from a relationship and this is the behavior you experience it's a good sign to keep walking. It was more clear to me than ever what was going on.
As our prophets become psychics and our evangelists and pastors become voices for the enemy, the church sleeps. In fact, many in the church are listening to these false teachers who are teaching there is more than one way to God. Marianne Williamson for example bases her teaching and writing on a set of books called A Course in Miracles, a self-study program of spiritual psychotherapy, based on universal spiritual themes. According to Time magazine, "Yoga, the Cabala and Marianne Williamson have been taken up by those seeking a relationship with God that is not strictly tethered to Christianity. Many churches offer her courses as she appears on Oprah Winfrey and they agree there is more than one way to God. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY and it is through Jesus.
People are looking for a spiritual guide and when we as the Church do not introduce them to the Holy Spirit, they will go looking elsewhere and there is one who is more than happy to fill that need. The Church's fear of the supernatural is causing many to fall away in different ways. Are you in the wrong church? Have you asked God is this is where you're supposed to be? I am blown away at what I am seeing the Church doing. They won't allow speaking in tongues, yet they have grace for the guy who cusses like a sailor. They will not allow dancing during worship, yet post pics of their monthly outing to dance at the local bar with a dance floor. They won't use wine for communion, to protect the alcoholic, yet the pastor gives his sermon with the smell of beer on his breath. There are witches, warlocks, and Satanists sitting in our churches, cursing church members and casting their spells, but the church is unaware, except for the Jezebel who sits in the back laughing and then shakes their hands as they leave. "See you next week."
Why have so many left the church? Because they see into the spirit realm and know the truth, yet when they speak up they are called judgmental and told shut up or leave. The enemy has control of many churches and people don't even realize it. Most Church members have no idea of the authority they have. That authority comes through a close walk with Jesus. The closer you are the more authority He gives. But the sleeping Church is putting too much faith in a human pastor. A pastor who is afraid of the demonic. Until we truly walk with Him, know who we are in Him and find our authority in Him, the world is not going to change. Power is a gift and satan lost his authority when he fell, but he did not lose his power. The only authority he has is what we give him and many in the church have handed authority over to him. We all fear hearing the words from God, "I never knew you." What does that mean? Consider this, Adam knew Eve and she bore a son. It's intimacy that produces a son, works produces a slave.
We are too dependent on the natural. We are too aligned with world thinking. Wisdom from God is not from experience or education, but a form of revelation. John Paul says "The problem with us humans is divine logic seems to be chaotic and illogical to our lower logic. Divine logic flows from an uncreated, unlimited source. It flows from deity." When are we going to realize that we are not smarter than God? We are following those smooth tongues who in reality are only submitted as far as they can understand or control. When you try to control the Holy Spirit, you quench Him. You put Him in a box. Most of those controlling pastors set the box out behind the church building. If we have Jesus in us, demons should shriek and run, but instead they are handing us the collection plate each Sunday as they say, "Good Morning".
There is a realm of the spirit we can walk in that the new age craves. The reason they are not in church is not because they don't crave God. It's because the Church is unresponsive to their experience. - John Paul Jackson
18 in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not quench the Spirit; 20 do not despise prophetic [a]utterances. 21 But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; 22 abstain from every [b]form of evil.
I'm looking for a copy of The Holy Bible part 2. There must be a newer testament that tells us to be nice no matter what. That's what I am hearing all around me, that Jesus is nothing but nice. The last testament I read, the New One, is not all about being nice. I won't mention Saul was struck blind to help him see Jesus or anything about Ananias, and his wife Sapphira falling down dead for lying, but what about the woman at the well? Is it nice to say, "Go call your husband and come here", knowing she not only had no husband, but had been married 5 times and was now living with a man? If I did that to someone, I would be labelled mean. I can only imagine what shame she was feeling and maybe embarrassment. Is that nice? Scripture does not say there were other people around so maybe He was nice in approaching the subject in private, but whatever knowledge we have about how things were back then, we don't know that others were not listening in on their conversation.
I have experienced times in my walk that I would not call Jesus "nice" and there are people who do not believe it was Jesus. Why? Because they have been programmed in niceness. But when I tell my stories to some who have experienced similar things they break down, because they realize they are not crazy. We have a bigger problem and it stems from this niceness. People, leaders, those who have walked with Jesus longer are too quick to say, that's not Jesus. I have friends, most of my friends who have not experienced Jesus the way I have, but, they know me, and they know my relationship with Him and the experiences I have. I would say the most difficult, the most abandoned and betrayed I felt from the way Jesus was treating me was in my room a few years back. Try to imagine, I was coming to terms with the truth that Jesus was not the cause of years of abuse. I had felt betrayed by Him my whole life and was just beginning to understand this thing called "freewill". As I was worshipping in my room, deep in worship and I could feel His presence before me, as I was on my face, suddenly He moved away and a demon appeared. I could still feel Him to my right, but was completely confused as to why He would move away and allow this demon to sit in front of me. I was angry, I was hurt, I was confused and if this thing wasn't blocking me I would have walked out. Jesus said, "Make it go." I yelled back at Him, "You make it go. I can't believe you would turn me over to this thing after I was beginning to believe you." He repeated, "Make it go." I said, "You make it go, You're Jesus." After several minutes of being consumed by my hurt, disguised in anger, I did make it go and He showed me the lesson. I had learned my authority and He was with me. It was the most difficult lesson, but one of the most freeing. Was He nice? NO! Was it necessary? It worked. I will never forget it.
As I grew in confidence and my fear faded, I began to share my experiences with others. Then it happened to me. The one person who had spent many hours trying to convince me Jesus loved me and that I did hear Him, suddenly changed his story when I told Him something he didn't want to hear. Since then I fight doubt all the time. When I finally asked Jesus why I could not surrender that last little piece of me I was hiding away from Him, as though He really couldn't see it, He brought this up. In the gentle way He does things, He led me to a teaching. It was one I was only half listening to as I was focused on other things, but one sentence caught my attention. My spirit jumped and I had to get paper, pen and rewind the teaching.
This man was speaking about people leaving the church in great numbers. Many have had a spiritual experience they did not understand and because the church did not know how to answer their questions, they go looking elsewhere. One example John told of was when he was having a conversation with the head witch from New England. This guy had a spiritual experience and asked his pastor what was happening to him. The pastor said, "God doesn't speak that way anymore. That was the devil." He told the pastor, "I have seen more power in this experience than I've ever seen in the church. I'm going to find the devil." He did. As John was talking with him, the Lord revealed that the experience was a call to be a pastor. The man had several gifts. A gift to understand spiritual things, a gift to rally people together and a gift of bringing people into a new destination. The witch knew it was true and his eyes filled with tears. He said, "It is too late, now." John didn't give up on him and they spent a lot of time together, but four months later he died of an over dose. Somebody, probably led by satan, injected him with a lethal dose of drugs. Why? Because he was getting to know God. I totally understood this. Though I would never walk away from God, I have tried to give the Lord back my gifts. I have shied away from ministry on several occasions. Doubt. Doubt is a killer and instead of saying someone is hearing the wrong spirit, we need to walk them through scripture that confirms or denies. This is a bigger problem than we realize.
At New Age fairs, many, many of the people once went to church and believed in God, but the spiritual power they felt, whether it was from God or the enemy, compared to a passive church that does not know it's authority was to enticing. They had to go find a spiritual being to submit to and it is not always God they find. By looking at the sleeping church today, it often appears the enemy has more power. The world has changed the meaning of the word spiritual. All this New Age stuff is talking about being spiritual, but you are your own God or we are all part of a bigger god. Some don't realize it's not the one and only King of Kings and other's don't care. John Pail Jackson said, "The only time darkness wins is when we find darkness is more submitted to their god than we are to ours. We are far too passive with the majesty of God. This passivity which may even become apathy, to the majesty of God is what keeps authority from growing in us."
This apathy, I believe, is also contributing to this "niceness" that is spreading like wildfire. Can't we all just get along, hide our heads and pretend everything is okay? NO! Things are not okay. Hebrews 5:7-8 says In the days of His flesh, He offered up both prayers and supplications with loud crying and tears to the One able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His piety. (8) Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered. Really? Jesus learned obedience through the things He suffered? Then why are we so afraid of pain? Why are we so afraid we are going to hurt some one's feelings? Why are we afraid to suffer? Most people will tell you it was in the suffering they found Jesus.
The elect may be fooled, because the enemy has been working out this plan for a long time. The words from the teaching I was listening to, that stood out to me were "they will flatter you. They will tell you things you will become" As I went back and listened I realized, I had fallen for this. Romans 16:18 For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own [i]appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting. False teachers and prophets use flattery. I had one tell me I was going to do something great that changed this geographical area and though there were many more words, that was really all she said. I fell for the flattery for a short time, but then I saw it. The problem with too much niceness, is it sounds a lot like flattery. Without sharp discernment, how will we know the difference? Even the elect may be fooled.
Also in the teaching the thing that stood out to me is how God woos us back to Him if we wander off. The father running out to meet the prodigal son on his return is often used, because it is a great example. John compared it to the dark spirits when you wander away from them. "They don't just say, sorry to see you go, they then threaten you, cajole you, roust you, come to you and with violence want to bring you back." If you walk away from a relationship and this is the behavior you experience it's a good sign to keep walking. It was more clear to me than ever what was going on.
As our prophets become psychics and our evangelists and pastors become voices for the enemy, the church sleeps. In fact, many in the church are listening to these false teachers who are teaching there is more than one way to God. Marianne Williamson for example bases her teaching and writing on a set of books called A Course in Miracles, a self-study program of spiritual psychotherapy, based on universal spiritual themes. According to Time magazine, "Yoga, the Cabala and Marianne Williamson have been taken up by those seeking a relationship with God that is not strictly tethered to Christianity. Many churches offer her courses as she appears on Oprah Winfrey and they agree there is more than one way to God. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY and it is through Jesus.
People are looking for a spiritual guide and when we as the Church do not introduce them to the Holy Spirit, they will go looking elsewhere and there is one who is more than happy to fill that need. The Church's fear of the supernatural is causing many to fall away in different ways. Are you in the wrong church? Have you asked God is this is where you're supposed to be? I am blown away at what I am seeing the Church doing. They won't allow speaking in tongues, yet they have grace for the guy who cusses like a sailor. They will not allow dancing during worship, yet post pics of their monthly outing to dance at the local bar with a dance floor. They won't use wine for communion, to protect the alcoholic, yet the pastor gives his sermon with the smell of beer on his breath. There are witches, warlocks, and Satanists sitting in our churches, cursing church members and casting their spells, but the church is unaware, except for the Jezebel who sits in the back laughing and then shakes their hands as they leave. "See you next week."
Why have so many left the church? Because they see into the spirit realm and know the truth, yet when they speak up they are called judgmental and told shut up or leave. The enemy has control of many churches and people don't even realize it. Most Church members have no idea of the authority they have. That authority comes through a close walk with Jesus. The closer you are the more authority He gives. But the sleeping Church is putting too much faith in a human pastor. A pastor who is afraid of the demonic. Until we truly walk with Him, know who we are in Him and find our authority in Him, the world is not going to change. Power is a gift and satan lost his authority when he fell, but he did not lose his power. The only authority he has is what we give him and many in the church have handed authority over to him. We all fear hearing the words from God, "I never knew you." What does that mean? Consider this, Adam knew Eve and she bore a son. It's intimacy that produces a son, works produces a slave.
We are too dependent on the natural. We are too aligned with world thinking. Wisdom from God is not from experience or education, but a form of revelation. John Paul says "The problem with us humans is divine logic seems to be chaotic and illogical to our lower logic. Divine logic flows from an uncreated, unlimited source. It flows from deity." When are we going to realize that we are not smarter than God? We are following those smooth tongues who in reality are only submitted as far as they can understand or control. When you try to control the Holy Spirit, you quench Him. You put Him in a box. Most of those controlling pastors set the box out behind the church building. If we have Jesus in us, demons should shriek and run, but instead they are handing us the collection plate each Sunday as they say, "Good Morning".
There is a realm of the spirit we can walk in that the new age craves. The reason they are not in church is not because they don't crave God. It's because the Church is unresponsive to their experience. - John Paul Jackson
Monday, August 24, 2015
Dreams: God talk.
“Will we act, or will we sit on our hands? I don’t want to show up on that day only to hear God say, “This nation—where is My church? There’s still too much sin, too much covenant with Baal, too much pornography, too much perversion, too much materialism, greed, pride, and arrogance. They have missed their hour of grace; only judgment awaits.”
― James W. Goll, The Call of the Elijah Revolution
According to John Paul Jackson, one third of our day we sleep and one third of the bible speaks of dreams and visions and revelation, either directly or indirectly. I find this correlation interesting. I believe God is speaking a lot more than we are listening. In taking a course on dream interpretation, I have been confirmed in many words I received from God. For instance, in the months before I started this study, I wrote down the words the Lord spoke to me, "Past prophetic dreams may mean something different now - wider spread". I also wrote these words He spoke to me, "Don't limit my words by putting them in a box - multiple meanings." As the study began, one of the things that was said, was "A dream may have one meaning today and a broader or more specific meaning tomorrow and the greatest meaning years from now." I knew I was right where He wanted me.
There was a day I was feeling guilty about spending so much time trying to figure out the meaning of my dreams. I asked God to forgive me and He replied with, "I love this about you." I decided that had to be my flesh and put aside interpreting my dreams. Then when this study came up and I jumped into it, I was pleasantly surprised when I heard, "God loves it when we study our dreams, because it's getting to know Him. Our dreams tell us how He communicates and teaches us His nature. Studying your dreams, remembering them, praying about them, is exactly the same as meditating on the word of God. It is His word."
I have to say at this point that as with any word you believe is from God, it has to pass the test. Dreams can also come from the enemy and from our flesh. Check them against scripture. Though the Lord does allow some of dreams from the enemy, because he reveals his plan and we can pray against it.
Most dreams for most people are about themselves. They are either showing something Jesus wants to change about you, giving direction, or they can be a warning. If you read through scripture it is very interesting how many words from God came through visions and dreams. I go through times, where I wonder if I hear from God at all and when that happens I ask for a dream. He will always give me a dream I cannot deny was from Him, but I pray regularly that I only remember dreams allowed by Him for His purpose. I have spent the last few days writing out all my dreams and their interpretations and putting them in a binder. More than once the Holy Spirit has shown me even more about my dreams. He is the interpreter and any interpretation we get is the true gift of prophetic dreaming. I have been pleasantly surprised at how many interpretations I received even years ago that totally line up with the teaching. The thing I have most valued from this study is confirmation that I hear Him.
The next most valued is my sanity. I am not crazy. We will hear as much as we are willing to hear. Seer and people with a prophetic gift are trusted with His words. The most amazing thing is realizing He is talking to me as I walk through each day. I may not understand it all right away, but it is Him. It was a Thursday and I was in line at a convenience store. The woman in front of me was paying for her things and was short 42 cents. She had to run out to her car, but I said I would pay it. Off she went, I paid her 42 cents and paid for my own stuff and left. The next day, my daughter called and told me a story about being at the counter to pay for her stuff and she was short 42 cents. WHAT? How does that happen. I knew the Lord wanted to show me something. I plugged 42 into the bible search program and Revelation 13:5 There was given to him a mouth speaking [a]arrogant words and blasphemies, and authority to act for forty-two months was given to him.
I sat on that for a few days, unsure of what God was saying. Was I being arrogant? Was somebody else in my life? I prayed, asked forgiveness if it was me and let it go. Then I was listening to a teaching, but not really focused until I heard him say "42 and then the other 42" WHAT? I looked up the scripture. Revelations 11:1-3 Then there was given me a [a]measuring rod like a staff; [b]and someone said, “Get up and measure the [c]temple of God and the altar, and those who worship in it. 2 [d]Leave out the court which is outside the [e]temple and do not measure it, for it has been given to the nations; and they will tread under foot the holy city for forty-two months. 3 And I will grant authority to my two witnesses, and they will prophesy for twelve hundred and sixty days, clothed in sackcloth.” 1260 days is 42 months. One right after the other? I don't know why He is showing me this, but this is how He talks to me and would talk to anyone willing to pay attention and listen. We have to know His voice, we have to know His heart, His ways, or we will be fooled in the last days.
The dreams He has given me are mostly asking me to pray for leadership. If the enemy can fool a leader into following him, then most of the flock will follow too. In fact the Lord spoke those words to me. "Many will be deceived when the one they have followed for years is deceived. When he falls off the path they will follow." We have to have our own communication with Jesus. We don't want Him saying, I never knew you. Who we trust today may be the elect fooled tomorrow. If something in your spirit says something isn't right, check it with scripture and ask God to show you truth. Knowledge can change when more knowledge is attained, but Truth is Truth and it never changes.
“Father, we know that dreams and their interpretations belong to You. With honor coupled with a deep hunger, we ask You to give us Your wisdom applications, in Jesus’ great name, Amen.”
― James W. Goll, Dream Language: The Prophetic Power of Dreams
― James W. Goll, The Call of the Elijah Revolution
According to John Paul Jackson, one third of our day we sleep and one third of the bible speaks of dreams and visions and revelation, either directly or indirectly. I find this correlation interesting. I believe God is speaking a lot more than we are listening. In taking a course on dream interpretation, I have been confirmed in many words I received from God. For instance, in the months before I started this study, I wrote down the words the Lord spoke to me, "Past prophetic dreams may mean something different now - wider spread". I also wrote these words He spoke to me, "Don't limit my words by putting them in a box - multiple meanings." As the study began, one of the things that was said, was "A dream may have one meaning today and a broader or more specific meaning tomorrow and the greatest meaning years from now." I knew I was right where He wanted me.
There was a day I was feeling guilty about spending so much time trying to figure out the meaning of my dreams. I asked God to forgive me and He replied with, "I love this about you." I decided that had to be my flesh and put aside interpreting my dreams. Then when this study came up and I jumped into it, I was pleasantly surprised when I heard, "God loves it when we study our dreams, because it's getting to know Him. Our dreams tell us how He communicates and teaches us His nature. Studying your dreams, remembering them, praying about them, is exactly the same as meditating on the word of God. It is His word."
I have to say at this point that as with any word you believe is from God, it has to pass the test. Dreams can also come from the enemy and from our flesh. Check them against scripture. Though the Lord does allow some of dreams from the enemy, because he reveals his plan and we can pray against it.
Most dreams for most people are about themselves. They are either showing something Jesus wants to change about you, giving direction, or they can be a warning. If you read through scripture it is very interesting how many words from God came through visions and dreams. I go through times, where I wonder if I hear from God at all and when that happens I ask for a dream. He will always give me a dream I cannot deny was from Him, but I pray regularly that I only remember dreams allowed by Him for His purpose. I have spent the last few days writing out all my dreams and their interpretations and putting them in a binder. More than once the Holy Spirit has shown me even more about my dreams. He is the interpreter and any interpretation we get is the true gift of prophetic dreaming. I have been pleasantly surprised at how many interpretations I received even years ago that totally line up with the teaching. The thing I have most valued from this study is confirmation that I hear Him.
The next most valued is my sanity. I am not crazy. We will hear as much as we are willing to hear. Seer and people with a prophetic gift are trusted with His words. The most amazing thing is realizing He is talking to me as I walk through each day. I may not understand it all right away, but it is Him. It was a Thursday and I was in line at a convenience store. The woman in front of me was paying for her things and was short 42 cents. She had to run out to her car, but I said I would pay it. Off she went, I paid her 42 cents and paid for my own stuff and left. The next day, my daughter called and told me a story about being at the counter to pay for her stuff and she was short 42 cents. WHAT? How does that happen. I knew the Lord wanted to show me something. I plugged 42 into the bible search program and Revelation 13:5 There was given to him a mouth speaking [a]arrogant words and blasphemies, and authority to act for forty-two months was given to him.
I sat on that for a few days, unsure of what God was saying. Was I being arrogant? Was somebody else in my life? I prayed, asked forgiveness if it was me and let it go. Then I was listening to a teaching, but not really focused until I heard him say "42 and then the other 42" WHAT? I looked up the scripture. Revelations 11:1-3 Then there was given me a [a]measuring rod like a staff; [b]and someone said, “Get up and measure the [c]temple of God and the altar, and those who worship in it. 2 [d]Leave out the court which is outside the [e]temple and do not measure it, for it has been given to the nations; and they will tread under foot the holy city for forty-two months. 3 And I will grant authority to my two witnesses, and they will prophesy for twelve hundred and sixty days, clothed in sackcloth.” 1260 days is 42 months. One right after the other? I don't know why He is showing me this, but this is how He talks to me and would talk to anyone willing to pay attention and listen. We have to know His voice, we have to know His heart, His ways, or we will be fooled in the last days.
The dreams He has given me are mostly asking me to pray for leadership. If the enemy can fool a leader into following him, then most of the flock will follow too. In fact the Lord spoke those words to me. "Many will be deceived when the one they have followed for years is deceived. When he falls off the path they will follow." We have to have our own communication with Jesus. We don't want Him saying, I never knew you. Who we trust today may be the elect fooled tomorrow. If something in your spirit says something isn't right, check it with scripture and ask God to show you truth. Knowledge can change when more knowledge is attained, but Truth is Truth and it never changes.
“Father, we know that dreams and their interpretations belong to You. With honor coupled with a deep hunger, we ask You to give us Your wisdom applications, in Jesus’ great name, Amen.”
― James W. Goll, Dream Language: The Prophetic Power of Dreams
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