The Real Battle

You are not all going to die, only two percent of you right here today would die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Death, in time, comes to all men. Yes, every man is scared in his first battle. If he says he's not, he's a liar. Some men are cowards but they fight the same as the brave men or they get the hell slammed out of them watching men fight who are just as scared as they are. The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared. Some men get over their fright in a minute under fire. For some, it takes an hour. For some, it takes days. But a real man will never let his fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his country, and his innate manhood. Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. Americans pride themselves on being He Men and they ARE He Men. Remember that the enemy is just as frightened as you are, and probably more so. They are not supermen. - A portion of General George S. Patton's Speech from June 5th, 1944


     Billy wakes up one morning back in June of 1944.  He pinches himself, believing he is having a dream, but finds he has really been taken back in time.  What is the purpose?  He looks down to see he is wearing the uniform of an American soldier.  He is a member of the military.  The commanding officer gives a "Going to Battle" speech, promising the soldiers that there is an abundance of ammo, food and medical supplies for each of them.  Now all they need to do is fight the enemy.  They have had training and they each have a booklet of instruction in their supplies.
     As the soldiers start moving forward, Billy notices a German soldier hiding behind a tree.  He is motioning Billy to come talk to him.  Billy does.  The German soldier whispers to him, "You do not have enough ammo.  Your soldiers will die from their wounds as you have not been supplied with the medical supplies you will need to save them.  You will starve."  Billy sneaks back to the supply hut and begins to count ammo.  "What if we run out?  Is this enough?"  He then makes his way to the make shift hospital rummages through the supplies.  "Will this be enough?"
     As Billy turns to head to the kitchen, he runs into his commanding officer.  "What are you doing soldier?  There is a battle raging out there and you are supposed to be fighting in it."  
     "I'm a little worried sir."
     "All of us have a level of fear.  Some of us will die out there."
     "I'm not afraid of the battle sir.  I know how this war ends.  Don't ask.  It's that I'm afraid of running out of supplies.  Food, clothing, and ammo.  Even though I know we win this war, what if I die from lack of supplies?"
     "I have promised you we have enough.  It will be provided."
     "But sir, I think maybe we should put in an order for more provisions?"
     "Do you have your military Bible, Son?"
     "Yes sir."
     "Read Matthew 6:25-34 and then get out there and fight."

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

     One of the enemy's greatest weapons is fear. Many people get stuck in their needs for provision. God has promised to provide. All we have to do is believe. The enemy whispers in our ears the fear of running out of money, food, and all the basic needs of life, but God has made a promise. As long as we are counting the cans of beans in our cupboard, we are not out there leading others to Christ, focusing on what God wants to teach us, and growing in our relationships. Provisions are the first step in any journey. Don't get stuck in the first step. Don't be loading the truck with gear, while everyone else is enjoying the trip. Goliath would have eaten David for lunch if he would have been kicking around for a storehouse of stones. God gave him all the stones he would need and said "Go."

“I still find my corrupt heart longing for tomorrow's bread. I can make a good argument to the Lord about how effective I can be if He would supply me with enough advance funds. It's a little frightening to pray for TODAY's bread. That means I must pray again for tomorrow and believe again for tomorrow. My greedy heart is willing to be corrupted by a little bit of riches so that I see my warehouse full of loaves. I can make a good argument about how God won’t have to be bothered with me every day if He would only advance me about ten years worth of bread.” 
― Gayle D. Erwin, The Yhwh Style

Grow into Know

“People don’t like to think, if one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant.”
― Helen Keller

     The other morning I picked up my shoes to put them on for work.  They were very wet.  Come to find out my two year old grandson had soaked them with water.  I chuckled about it throughout the day, but God used it in our conversation.  If my 7 year old grandson would have soaked my shoes, it might not have been so funny, depending on how it happened.  Purposely pouring water into them would not be acceptable.  I believe there are things God lets us get away with early on in our walk that He is not so tolerant of later on.  There are also a few little things that I don't think are important to Him at all.  It's all in the purpose.

     When we are little we are dependent on adults for everything.  Then we start asking "Why?". When we are told, then we know and we grow.  God explained these stages to me and how I have grown through them.  I was totally dependent on Dave at first, to validate my feelings, to tell me if he thought I was on the right path and keep me headed in the right direction.  Eventually I started asking "Why" and I not only asked Dave, but I started asking God.  The real changes have come as I step into real knowledge.  I've gone from asking why doesn't God love me until I can say, most of the time, God loves me.  I am His child.  I have gone from dependency on the outside to knowing the Holy Spirit on the inside of me.  There will always be more to learn, but with knowledge comes security and the ability to focus outside of myself, because the inside is secure in the knowledge of Him.

     There comes a time when we realize adults are human too.  They are kids in adult bodies sometimes.  When we realize that they don't know everything and make mistakes there is a let down period.  Then you wonder is anybody really grown up at all.  I am amazed by the expectations put on people who have devoted their lives to ministry.  Pastors are expected to have all the answers.  I asked Dave to pray for me about something stupid the other day and then realized, "Really?  I think I can talk to God about that."  I'm not saying we don't need prayer at times.  I guess it just surprises me when people want those obviously close to God to get them all the answers about their specific life, instead of getting to know God on a level that you can ask Him yourself and hear His answer.
     When I was a kid hanging in a group we always selected a leader to go ask the hard questions.  Ask Mom if we could play by the water, ask the teacher if we could play baseball for P.E., or ask  if we could have desert.  We tend to do this as believers.  Let's let the pastor find out how to get to heaven, if certain acts are a sin, and what God wants us to know about a situation.  It was easier to hang back at the foot of the mountain and let Moses do all the conversing with God.  Why would He talk to us?

     Maybe Moses was the only one brave enough or who believed enough or wanted it bad enough.  In the old testament God talked to people like Noah and Moses.  He gave dreams to Joseph.  He sent a cloud and fire to guide people to the promise land.  After 400 years of silence He sent His son to walk beside people.  Maybe they would believe if they could see in human form and feel the touch of His hand.  Maybe if they could hear his voice while they saw His lips move or if they could sit down and eat with Him.  Still, not everyone believed and fewer believed He was interested in them specifically.  In the last book of the bible we learn He will be back for us.  He said He had to go and the Holy Spirit would come to be in us.  People tend to think He was talking to specific people only.  He was talking to all of us.
     So when we want answers we expect the pastor, the elders, or that guy who has been sitting in the front row for 150 years to know this stuff.  Moses didn't have all the answers.  He was on the same journey to the  Promised Land.  The difference was he was chosen to be the leader.  Maybe because God knew he would listen and follow instruction.  He walked every mile and ate manna with the rest of them.  We are so offended when the leaders don't act "Holier than thou" but Moses got mad and hit the rock.  He was a leader.  Chosen for his belief, knowledge willingness, or whatever, only One knows for sure.  I would rather follow a leader who gets mad once in awhile, doesn't always have a good day, and questions God once in awhile.  Why?  Because he knows what I'm going through and it's fresh in his mind if he just dealt with it himself.  They are leaders, not little Gods and we have a responsibility to lift them up.  Pray for them.  Bless them. Give back.  Their whole life is devoted to us for God, we shouldn't criticize, let's humanize.
     The more we grow in God, the more we know God, the less we ask why and the more often we say "Thank you."  Not do you love me, but Thank you for loving me.  Not "Where are you God?", but "Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me like you promised."  He has answered the basic questions.  It's our job to know those answers and thank him.  Get off the milk and get into some meat and potatoes.  Just like those moments when you realize your child knows you love them or knows what is acceptable and what is not, God loves those moments in us, too.  And those appointed leaders obviously love seeing the people they are responsible to lead step into the "know".  Moses had to be frustrated with his group at times. 
     We always need to be dependent on God, but I believe there is a level of independence He wants to see in us.  We should move from being carried by God, to following, and finally to walking beside Him.  Then we lead others into knowledge.

“[To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

     

Lonely?

“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself.   Share it with a special someone.
” ― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

     I remember a moment when I was still very young, stretched out on the living room floor staring at the ceiling, when I realized, I am alone.  I run this brain.  I run this body.  I am the only one responsible for what I think and do.  I could do whatever I want.  I could walk out in traffic, I could hit somebody really hard, or I could just lay here and be alone in here, inside myself.  People can break into your house or your car or even your life, but they have to have permission to get in your head and/or your heart.  Some people are weaker and allow others to push their way in, but those who have been hurt the deepest find it the easiest to lock everyone out.

     I learned, when I hurt, to go inside myself and slam the door behind me.  Nobody was allowed in my head and especially my heart.  Why?  They wouldn't understand the hurt.  They couldn't understand.  I'm not supposed to be weak.  I am not supposed to need.  I am a mother, father, teacher, boss, pastor, I am supposed to have it together.  I am a Christian and God is supposed to be enough.  I like it in here anyway.  I have it decorated exactly how I want it and nobody can see in unless I want them to.  Even if I allow it, I only let them see the parts I want them to see and some of those aren't real.  They are like hungry dogs scratching at the door to be let in, so I throw them enough scraps of thought or affection to satisfy them so they will go away.  If they want more I find myself getting frustrated and snapping at them, "Can't you see I am lonely and want to be alone."

     Inside myself is that dirty little kid who validates my pain.  "They wouldn't understand.  Nobody ever understands.  Nobody cares anyway."  If I get the urge to curl in a ball and suck my thumb, my little kid curls up with me.  The only annoying thing is that one day years ago, I invited Jesus in here and now I can't be totally alone anymore, because He says He will never leave me.  I remedied that the best I could by forcing Him into a glass box.  Glass?  Because I can see Him through the glass and part of me still wants to know He is here.  Also, I want to be able to talk to Him, but I'm not sure I want to hear what He has to say so it works perfectly.  Occasionally I walk over and lift the lid to see if He is saying anything good, but He always starts with "I love you" and I'm not ready for that.  So, we stare at each other through the glass.  I talk to Him.  I talk all around the issue.  His lips are moving, but I can't hear Him.

     I peek out through the windows at the world going on around me and want to be a part of it, but I can't.  I'm not done being alone.  I'm not done being lonely.  One day I open the lid and instead of an "I love you" Jesus throws out a blue ball.  

     "What is this for?"

     "It's a feeling.  I want you to roll it out the door to the next person who walks by."

     Sometimes Jesus is weird.  I wait by the door and sure enough one of my best friends walk by so I roll out the ball.  He picks it up.  He stares at it for quite some time and then he pulls from his pocket an identical blue ball.  There is a tear in his eye and a gentle smile on his face.  I find myself smiling back at him.  Maybe I'll go out and connect with him for just a minute.  Oh, but first I flip open the lid of the glass box so Jesus can stretch His legs.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis

In with the New

“Will God ever ask you to do something you are not able to do? The answer is yes--all the time! It must be that way, for God's glory and kingdom. If we function according to our ability alone, we get the glory; if we function according to the power of the Spirit within us, God gets the glory. He wants to reveal Himself to a watching world.” 
― Henry T. Blackaby, Experiencing the Spirit: The Power of Pentecost Every Day


     Today was a day of learning.  It was one of those days when I felt my heart change.  I felt the Holy Spirit on a new level.   I focused on my identity in Christ.  My earthly identity is dead and I am putting it behind me.  I heard some one say once that it always seems that when something really good happens then something bad happens.  When you connect on a deeper level with God, Satan attacks.  Then he said, "What if we have this backward?"  What if God knows Satan is going to attack so He gives you a good experience first to lift you through the enemy's attack.  I like that.
     This morning I wondered why we are not taken to heaven the minute we turn our lives over to God, but immediately realized what a silly thought that was.  Who would reach out to those unsaved people?  Who would be an example of God's love.  Today I learned to look at the attacks of Satan differently.  God could take him out and not let him touch us.  The challenge is not from Satan, but from God.  Each attack is a learning experience, a lesson selected by Him. Spiritual warfare consists more of teaching people to live in their identity and be at peace in Christ than actually rebuking demons.  It's like when you are really furious with some one and they just smile at you and say nothing, that's what we should be doing to the enemy.  Resting in the peace of God.  Beating negative with positive.  All the lessons are to shape you into the person He needs you to be.
     I also learned today the difference between what's true and what's truth.  What's true might be that you have a bad temper, but the truth if you are reborn in Christ is that you are a new creature.  That old angry person is dead, they just might not know it yet.  Instead of binding someone with what is true about their personality, lift them up with truth, who they are in Christ.
     My favorite lesson today was God wants us to thrive, not survive.  Vengeance isn't getting even it's being set free.  The truth shall set you free.  God is the truth, so it now makes even more sense why vengeance is His.  Your testimony gives you authority.  Whatever you have been set free from you now have the authority to set others free.  More people set free equals more vengeance.  
     So in order to change you don't concentrate so much on changing behavior but on finding who you are in Christ.  There was an exercise suggested that I plan on doing.  List every negative thing about yourself.  All the things you find yourself saying about you.  Number them on a sheet of paper.  Then on a new sheet of paper ask the Holy Spirit to tell you what the opposite of each one is.  Whatever He tells you describes who God wants you to be and how He sees you.  Throw out the old negative list and focus on the list that came straight from God.
I like it.  I will sleep well tonight.  I love days like this and wanted to share.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
― C.S. Lewis

Shhhhh!! (sex) There I said it.

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.
C. S. Lewis

     Sex.  Sex is one of the most powerful tools used by the enemy.  Addiction and deception are also weapons.  Put these three together and we have big problems.  These are the ingredients of bombs made by Satan and strategically placed among us, yes, even believers, even pastors and elders and little old sweet ladies.  The truth shall set you free. You are only as sick as your secrets.  Sex is one of the biggest secrets in our society.  Nobody wants to talk about it, though most everybody is doing it.  We crack jokes and make off handed remarks, but only once have I heard a pastor speak about sex and only sex for one full hour while the old ladies squirmed in their seats, teenagers giggled, and old men tried desperately not to smile.  The in-between middle aged, tried to appear as though they were seriously listening, totally comfortable with the subject.  Ha.
     Let's get some words out of the way.  I am going to use words like penis, vagina, and breasts.  Now if any or all of those words caused your shoulders to come together, you have issues.  Everybody has at least one of these, the more blessed people have two.  (Little joke there)  When my son was about fourteen he liked to say the correct terms for our private body parts at the strangest times.  We would be sitting around the dinner table laughing and teasing each other when suddenly he would calmly say "Penis".  He was entertained by my reaction.  Not only did my shoulders come together but strange noises came from my mouth that usually ended with something like "eeeeewwww, ick, why do you have to say that?"  Eventually, I had no reaction but to shake my head and roll my eyes at him.  He broke through my uncomfortableness of hearing those words out loud.
     Over the last year I have learned that God turns our biggest problems into our biggest promises.  He uses the damaged parts of our lives to heal others.  Wouldn't it make sense then that the enemy would use our biggest gifts against us?  For a light example if a person has the gift of business sense, doesn't the enemy use that at times to turn them into crooks.  The gift of leadership meant to lead people in the Word could be used to lead people in the wrong direction.  One of the first gifts God gave to people, Adam and Eve, was sex.  A way that two married people can become close and enjoy each other.  But Satan uses it against us.
     One of the strategically placed bombs that Satan places is in childhood.  When a child is sexually abused it affects their body image, their self-esteem, their ability to speak out and their whole concept about sex and what it is.  That's just a small part of the consequences, but it also is passed from generation to generation spreading out like a plague.  Affairs, rape degradation of woman and men for that matter, prostitution, and addiction are only some of the ways the enemy uses the gift of sex against us.  We let him, by keeping these things a secret.
     We tend to think that an addiction to sex is somehow worse than an addiction to alcohol and the addiction to alcohol is somehow worse than lying and lying worse than gossip, but aren't they all equally damaging?  Doesn't one lead to another?  I think this would be a good time for  scripture.

Proverbs 6:16-19  New International Version (NIV)

16 There are six things the Lord hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19 a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

     I find it interesting that addict is not listed here, though each item on the list could be used to describe the person who is talking about them.  Gossip and judgement seem to be the only way sexual issues are being discussed.  If we were open and honest about sex with our teenagers, would teen pregnancy go away?  If we communicated about sex more openly with our spouse would more marriages be saved?  I can say with 100% certainty that if we all started speaking up and speaking out about child sexual abuse a lot of these issues would be eliminated.  Wounded people abuse others sexually.  Wounded people have affairs and only communication can heal wounds.  Communication with God first, then maybe a counselor or our spouse or our children, whomever is affected.  

   Sin is usually kept secret, but sexual sin is even kept secret by those who are victims of it.  A woman who is cheated on is ashamed to tell.  The man who cheated is ashamed to speak out.  The abused child is full of shame and Oh God what would happen if a person screamed out for help when they felt the urge to touch a child?  What would you do if somebody came to you and said, I have this sexual urge, addiction or perversion?  What would Jesus do?  That's what we should do.  Not whisper about seeing a woman walk into a sexual addiction meeting or whisper "There's that girl who was raped."  No.  It's those whispers of judgement that keep sexual sin hidden underground where it just keeps growing and spreading like a disease.  Satan is laughing at our fear of exposure.

     My mentors, those that I try to learn from are the ones who are speaking out about their sexual sin.  They are the only ones who are reaching out to those injured by the same sins.  No matter the role a person plays in sexual sin, everyone is a victim.  Where is the problem?  It's in all of us.  Those who commit sexual sins have been injured and now are injuring others.  Those very few people who have never in any way shape or form had their life affected by sexual sin, but are judging others are doing more damage than anyone, because they are scaring people into silence.   

     I've heard many times that churches are hospitals for the sick.  I see a big cross on top of the building, with red only in places where the stakes were driven through his body.  I see an emergency room for those who can't find the will to live.  I see a cardiac unit for those with a broken heart.  There are units for the abandoned and neglected, for the beaten down, for the prideful, for the liars, for the alcoholics, drug addicts and sex addicts, the gossips, and the judgmental, for all who want to get well.  But the most awesome thing I see is there is no shame in walking into the unit you need to heal your own personal wounds.  And the units are all in one big room and their is only one doctor, but several nurses.  This is how it should be.  Oh yeah and I didn't even use any of those uncomfortable words.

In Turkey, you're not allowed to be left alone in the hospital. The nurse teaches the family how to do things, and somebody is always there with the patient.
Mehmet Oz

Back away from the Bubble

"Love is not about opening yourself up to another. It is choosing to be your real self no matter what occurs. Love is about how we love, not who loves us. “I am what I love, not what loves me.” This has become one of the most powerful identity statements that I have ever made. It has produced a freedom that has revolutionized my relationships. Real love cannot be rejected, because it never seeks a return. Love is not an investment. It is the right thing to do. It is a part of our righteousness. That is, it is not just about doing the right thing, but more about being the right person. Be true to yourself and love others." - Graham Cooke

     We all have that person in our life that is constantly pushing against our bubble.   Our bubble is our space around us that should only be entered by invitation.  When we reach out a hand to shake, we hold it outside of our bubble.  When we hug, that is inviting another person into our bubble if only for a minute.  My bubble is bigger than most people's and an invitation to break through is not handed out without careful consideration of what the price may be.  As we grow in Christ our bubbles get smaller, but I'm not sure they can ever completely go away.  There are people who should never be invited in.  There are certain people that force my bubble to grow and others who cause it to shrink.  My bubble is not 100% healthy.

     There are people in this world who have been so wounded they depend on others for their identity.  I am desperately fighting to not be one of them and I have had a taste of finding my identity in Christ and I am pursuing that in our relationship more than anything.  I want that more than peace, more than gifts and promises, but I think that all comes with it.

     I have always been surrounded by people who suck the life out of me, so I isolate, because I don't know how yet to stand up for myself and say, back up.  Tonight I listened to "Overcoming Negativity Through Rest" by Graham Cooke.  This man is really speaking to me lately.  He explains how we are each a piece in the big puzzle, God's picture.  In order to give those around us what we are supposed to give them all we have to do is keep our eyes on Jesus and become more like Him.  We don't owe anyone more than that.

"People not walking with God always want you to be responsible for their life. They want you to take responsibility for everything but they won't give you the power to change anything. Question is: Has God given you that role? I am not responsible for people's lives around me. I am responsible for the piece that God has given me in their life. I have a piece of revelation or truth or a lifestyle that's glorious for me. I am responsible for sowing that piece into the lives of people around me, but I am not responsible for everything connected with them." - Graham Cooke.

Making it real

Journal Entry, October 6 2002 - 
Today my life is over.  
Today my husband confessed of being unfaithful to me.
Twenty-three years ago on this day my husband told me that he loved me for the very first time.
Today he told me that he never really loved me.
What is real in my life?
What is happening to me?
Patti Snodgrass - Surviving Your Worst Nightmare - A Guide for the Betrayed


     It happened for the first time months ago.  I thought I was making things up in my head again, but it was God talking to me, I am now sure of it.  In one of my intense prayer times, out of the blue, I heard, "A man is coming from another place to give you a message."  This part was clear.  I also heard that Dave would introduce us and the man is a pastor, but I was less sure of these two statements.  Dave was the only one I told, because how embarrassing if I was mistaken.  Then one day, several weeks later, on Dave's facebook page he announced a pastor from out of town would be speaking the next weekend.  I knew when I saw the man's picture, this was the guy.
     I made sure I was there to hear what this man had to say.  I have fought back tears in church before, but as I listened to this man's sermon, it was a constant.  He was telling my story, the male version, but it was my story.  The message: Don't ever stop talking about it.  Don't let anyone close your mouth when God tells you to open it.  Keep talking even if it seems nobody is listening.  Keep talking without fear.  Your words will be used by God.
     I left right after the service because there were too many people in line to talk to him.  But I came back the next morning and hung around until Dave introduced me to him.  We talked briefly and he continued in his message to me about telling my story.  His wife had written a book about her story.  He had cheated on her and she had forgiven him.  He told me how she battled to keep writing and all the messages she received from Satan as he tried to convince her not to write.  At the time I was writing my story and really wanted to stop.  He gave me what I needed to keep writing, to keep talking.  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me or my story.  I tell it for God and as long as He is satisfied with what I am saying that is all that matters.  I have an audience of One.  It's a blessing if anyone else benefits from it.
     I bought his wife's book the next day along with another he suggested.  I really didn't see a reason to read her book, because I had never been cheated on by my spouse.  Well, that I know of.  I just felt there was a reason and maybe it was to hand it to someone else.  It turned out to be a huge part of my healing.  See I was not cheated on, but I was "the other woman".  Years ago, the one person who had always believed in me when no one else did, became my biggest secret.  My dad had an affair and left all of us just before I turned twelve.  Now, I had become the person who had destroyed my life.  
     Once in awhile I would pick up the book and read parts of it.  I would get a little bit out of it, because we have all been betrayed at some point in our lives.  I could identify with her pain.  Then came the day when I read about how she made it real.  How it had to be real for her to heal.  She pictured him with the other woman until her heart hurt so bad she couldn't stand it.  She pictured them together over and over until it was real and she could feel it and then she began to heal it.  It had to be real for her to forgive and for the healing to begin.  Most people would say she was torturing herself, but I understood it.  Many times I have faced pain by making it real this same way.
     A friend of mine who had to face the murder of her grand baby handled it the same way.  She fought the system to be able to hold her grandchild.  She looked at all the reports she could get her hands on.  Again people said, "Why does she torture herself?"  But I understood.  She had to make it real to feel and then to start the process of healing.  The thing these two amazing women have in common?  They have both forgiven the person who almost destroyed them.
     In reading Patti's book, I faced the pain I had caused.  It was difficult to read her words, to feel her pain and to know I had caused another woman to feel like she did.  But I had to face it to make it real.  I had to face it to forgive myself and let go of the guilt I had been carrying around for many years.  To let go of the hatred I had for myself.  What I did was selfish and I was trying so desperately to get what I needed that I didn't even consider the damage I was doing to another human being.  We have all hurt others.  We have all denied what we did was that bad, but to hear that person's story and face the feelings you helped cause is a difficult and painful realization I needed for the healing process, the forgiving, to begin. 
     Some may ask why I would admit to such a failure.  Why would I admit to my selfish behavior on line for anyone to see?  Because, I'm taking the power from Satan.  He can no longer throw in my face what I have already admitted.  When people say, "You had an affair with a married man."  I can say, Yes I did and not only has God forgiven me, but I have forgiven myself.  It can no longer be used against me.  Satan has tried already.  A person who should support me said to me weeks ago, "I'm praying that you and Dave don't end up having an affair." This was Satan throwing my past in my face. This person obviously has no idea who I am or how I truly feel.  At first these words cut like a knife and all I could say was "Thanks".  I felt the stab of Satan telling me I will never be healed, I will never be good, I will never change.  He does this often.  I have been falsely accused since then of this same behavior, but Ephesians 6:12 says "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."  I'm grabbing the knife from Satan's hand.

     God has been speaking to me about this for the last week.  I knew this day would come when I was to write about this and I am completely resting in God, my will is aligned with His.  Let the chips fall where they may as He is in complete control of how and where they fall and my trust is in Him, not this world.
     The true message here has nothing to do with affairs, it's about making it real.  We read fiction and we can picture the characters, the places they travel and the feelings they experience, because it is not a threat to us.  We read scripture and hear messages about Jesus and what He wants for us, what He has done for us.  It's to big to be real.  It makes a nice fairy tale.  It's easier to keep it at a distance for several reasons.  It's difficult to believe that someone would suffer for us like that.  Why?  Because we don't deserve it.  We don't want to believe it is real because the demands on our behavior seem too great.  It's just too hard to live by all those rules.  Sometimes when things are too intense we distance ourselves from them.  It happened so long ago that it's hard to imagine it.  To make it real, you have to picture it, over and over.  Read the scripture over and over until it becomes a part of us, until it becomes real.  It has to be internalized.  As Patti pictured her husband with another woman until it was real, imagine Jesus as the spike was driven through His wrist.  I winced when I typed that, but seriously this God in human form with all the feelings and emotion that we possess took a spike through His wrist for you.  And that was just a part of what He went through.  Imagine that, feel that pain, He loves you that much.  It's easier to know somebody loves you because they sent you flowers on your birthday or showed up to pray with you in the middle of the night or talked you down off a ledge where you intended to jump and end your life.  These are real because you were there and you saw it with your own eyes.  
     We keep God at a distant just like the first settlers in America or our great great grandparents because we only have the stories.  We weren't there.  The difference between the Bible and history books is that the Bible is God breathed.  Read it and picture it.  Study it because you were on His mind as He took His last breath.  Ask the Holy Spirit to show Himself to you.  I believe The Holy Spirit is our picture, our feeler, our God inside of us that makes the stories in the Bible real to us.  He was sent to help us understand Jesus, to tell us all about Him.  Ask Him to.  Get to know Him.

     What happened in my affair?  His wife was left with two special needs children and suffered a stroke.  The guilt about choked me.  He ran off with another woman and started his third family after I dumped him.  Will I ever face her?  Will I ever apologize to her?  God knows she deserves it, but He also knows when and if this will happen.  I could run up there right now and face her to ease my conscience, but it would be another selfish act.  What if she is not in the place she needs to be to benefit and be blessed?  God will tell me when and if I am to face her and what I owe her.  And I will do it.
     This was not the worst thing I did in my life.  The worst was to disrespect her, to disrespect my children and his.  To disrespect myself and to disrespect God.  We wonder why bad things happen, why we make wrong choices.  I was planning my suicide when I went to him as my friend and as a result we had an affair.  I would have ended my life and left my kids without a mother.  So I exchanged one selfish behavior for another.  I was in pain.  You have to experience pain to cause it.  But this is no excuse.
     What happened to Patti and her husband?  I have not been blessed with meeting Patti and I think it would be very emotional.  This is where I usually find some quote that is in line with whatever I have been writing about, but today, I will let Patti tell you how her story ends.  In the back of her book is a section where she thanks all who supported her in writing her story.  She saves her husband Rick to be the last one she thanks.  Here is the last paragraph of her words to him.  Amazing!

As I have often said to you, I will be forever thankful that you did not go to the grave with your secret. I am thankful. Even though what we went through was the most painful event of our lives, we made it, with our marriage intact, stronger than ever! Thank you for being honest, and earning my trust once again. - Patti Snodgrass - Surviving Your Worst Nightmare - A Guide for the Betrayed
       

Psalm 91

“That's what heaven is. You get to make sense of your yesterdays”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

     It's been one of those days.  I woke up at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep, so I went to work.  It's an old creepy building and I feel a huge unpleasant presence there.  I have seen and heard things there before, but not like I did this morning.  I decided God only allows us to see and hear what we can handle and that just may be why so many people have a hard time believing, because they haven't seen it.

     I was totally comfortable until the sun came up.  I decided that was God.  If I would have seen it while it was still dark, I would have gone home.  I felt like somebody was watching me.  It happens often that people come into the office very early on Saturday mornings, so I wasn't startled by the feeling until I looked down a long hall and saw somebody duck into an office.  I saw them well enough to know they were there but not clear enough to see who it was.  At first I thought somebody was playing a really bad joke on me, but when I saw it the second time, I knew.  I couldn't catch my breath.  I had the sense that it wanted me to see it.  It wanted to scare me.  Immediately I felt the presence of God and went back to work.  I saw it half a dozen times.  It was never really clear and a couple times it scared me for a second, but God showed up.  He never left me and I got a lot done.  The more I ignored it, the more noise it made.  There was banging and creaking and it struck me funny.  It reminded me of an angry child who wants you to notice.  The more you ignore them the more "In your face" they get.  

     It was a tired day and I was relieved when my friend who has been ill said he was not feeling well enough to go to church.  But immediately the Holy Spirit said, "What about that commitment you made to support Dave's Saturday night service.  You haven't been there in a while."  So I got in the shower and I went.  It was a nodding service.  Not falling asleep, but one where I find myself nodding in agreement.

     It was at the end of the service when Dave asks if any one has questions or comments that really woke up.  The Holy Spirit was very present in me tonight and I almost laughed out loud a couple times at our conversation, but when a lady asked a question, He got serious and started talking.  Dave has spent the last two weekends on Psalm 91

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

     The woman was comparing the two lines above in blue.  She said it didn't make sense that it was a contradiction that He would say we will not strike our foot against a stone, but He will be with us in times of trouble.  She understood that not striking your foot meant  no trouble.  The first thought that came to my mind, but in nicer words, is that "There is a much bigger picture."  As a parent of more than one child, sometimes one has to suffer a bit for the other.  One may have to do without.  My kids did.  For many years on Friday night we ate fast food and they got to have what they wanted if I had to pass through three different drive through windows.  During the week they sacrificed a lot for each other with no choice in the matter, because I was a single parent.  But on Friday night, the end of the week, they all got what they wanted.  Just like our lives, what we may have to go through may not even be about us but in the end we will get what we want in Heaven.

     We all like to think of the moment.  What do I want now.  God said this isn't going to be easy, but we need to back up and see there is a much bigger picture.  The way I read this, you won't lose your salvation.  We think in earthly terms.  This whole thing is bigger than that.  We will have trouble and He will be with us and He will send angels at times, but our definition of rescue and His can be two different things.  They usually are.

     One of the first things I thought of was He promises to provide for us, food shelter, clothing, but when the Jews got off the train at Auschwitz who was provided for?  Those that were put to death immediately had everything (in Heaven).  Those who suffered for months and years and starved to death in their bunk at night, were they provided for?  Is it really earthly food, shelter, and clothing He is talking about?  Or is He saying we will have everything we need to fulfill His plan on earth and then have everything when we join Him in Heaven.

     The story of David and Bathsheba and Uriah - everybody feels sorry for Uriah, but where was he while David and Bathsheba were suffering through consequences?  Was he crushed by the affair?  Did he even know about it?  He was prepared to die at battle and he did - though probably not how he had imagined it, if he had imagined it.

     We mourn people who die young.  It is sad for those left behind especially young spouses and children.  I see it more like when people have served in the military together and one gets to go home.  You miss them, but we should be happy for them.  The plan God had for their life is complete.  What would they have suffered through had they stayed?  

     Maybe this whole Psalm is about making it through this life to get to that life.  He doesn't promise ease and comfort, He doesn't promise we won't lose loved ones or limbs, He doesn't promise we won't fail, be laughed at or go hungry for a couple days.  Those are blessings, not promises.  What I hear Him promise is that in everything their will be a blessing even though we may not see it or understand it until we get home.   He promises He will never leave us or forsake us, but if we believe and seek Him first, we will go home.

Some verses you can not take literal or out of context.  This would mean you will never strike your foot against a stone.  Doesn't mean you won't trip over one and fall flat on your face.   What if you did strike your foot and while hopping around missed your bus.  What if the bus you missed was in an accident and rolled over a cliff.  What not striking your foot means to you today may not be the same tomorrow.  I have found as I grow, verses mean different things to me.  Some things you may not understand, because this is my journey.

“It didn't take long to realize I didn't hardly know nothing. And that if you ast yourself why you black or a man or a woman or a bush it don't mean nothing if you don't ast why you here, period”
― Alice Walker, The Color Purple

Sit or get off the pot

Your intimacy with God is the key source of your intimidation towards the enemy. - Graham Cooke

     Memories reveal a lot about a person.  As I look back through years of school there are memories that stand out.  Embarrassing moments, like when Carol spilled green ink in my hair and on my favorite shirt in the fourth grade.  The first time I was sent to the principle's office and I could hear my friend Linda's shaking breath over my shoulder. It made it tough not to laugh.  I wrote stories on colored notebook paper that were passed around until I lost track of them.  

     I learned how to distract our fifth grade teacher so he would stop touching girls.  I got in trouble for it often, but the look on a girls face when our eyes met after I had stopped a grown man from touching her that way was worth it.  I knew and she knew I knew.  There were other lessons.  Like when I tossed the bat to an eighth grader during PE and she called me an immature little seventh grader.  It really bothered me, but then I realized we would probably live to be really old like thirty or even forty and when I thought of it that way, she was only a year older and that year really didn't mean much.  But I never tossed a bat to anyone again.  

     There were many memories and lessons.  Teachers who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, kids I knew to stay away from and others who would take the fall for their friends.  There were days I prayed God would get me out of that school and days I didn't want to end.  There were new friendships and also those that ended with moves or arguments.  There was the boy I met at a party before our freshman year started.  He had a crush on me.  He waited on me hand and foot, but I had a boyfriend.  He was cute and I liked talking to him and thought maybe one day...maybe.  I was in my early twenties when I got the call that he had shot himself. I ached for days.  The world stopped.  I found it hard to breathe.  We learn so much in those years.

     There are friendships that stand out to us.  I had a best friend who went through everything with me.  When she was killed in a car accident, I wondered why God even put her in my life if he was only going to take her away.  But I learned so much from her.  Some people don't even have to think about how to treat other people, they are just good.

   

     I have driven to and from Texas several times.  The first time we took the scenic route and ended up on a gravel road in the middle of no where.  My husband slammed on the brakes at one point and we all flew forward.  What the...?  He jumped out of the van and crouched in the road in front of it.  There in the roadway was the biggest tarantula I have ever seen.  Sometimes men are such boys.  I could have rode right over it and been fine not even knowing it existed, but he got out to play with it for several minutes while we cooked in the dusty hot van.  After several miles of driving down this gravel road, led there by a sign that read "Fresh apples" we finally got to the other end wondering where those apples were.  There had been absolutely nothing for miles and miles.  We learned not to travel off the main road for fruit.  

     In all the driving I learned when to make sure the fuel tank was full and where to stop to eat.  I learned which routes were worth a little bit of "Out of the way" driving and which parts of the country to sleep through.

     Many times we ask God to get us out.  We all say it.  I can't wait until I'm through with school.  I can't wait until I find a new job.  I wasted my time on that friendship.  But it's the wrong turns the flat tires and the school bullies that we learn the most from.  How many good stories and lessons come from a wrong turn?  If a drive a cross the country is only good scenery and gentle conversation, what will you really remember?

     I have recently spent a lot of time begging God to get me through this part.  I don't get it.  It hurts, it's miserable, can't we skip this?

     God explained it like this.  Your Father works it out to put you through college, because you want to become a "Good Christian".  You want Papa to be proud.  Through the difficult classes you white knuckle it, don't study, and just pray for each day to end.  You fail and are forced to take that course again.  And again you white knuckle it, don't study and pray for each day to end.  It's when you finally decide, "I'm going to give this my best and no matter how many late nights, how many hours of study and how much coffee I have to drink, I am going to go into this class and learn everything the Teacher wants to teach me that things begin to progress.  

     Every challenge is a chance to learn.  Grumbling and complaining is the language of hell.  If I look back over my life there were so many lessons on each journey.  The journey through school, the journey through relationships, the journey through my career, parenthood, friendships.  Each lesson learned, each grade passed sends you to the next grade, the next level.  Graham Cook said, "Every new level, you meet a new devil."  He has to beat on every level for you to advance.

     When a mountain stands between you and where you want to be you can find a comfortable place to sit at the bottom of it and pray for someone to come along and carry you over.  Or you can look at it as a chance to work some new muscles.  Those muscles won't get the work out if someone else carries you.  You can't truly learn the lessons of someone else's journey.

God does not measure time, He measures growth. - Graham Cooke

Super Sensitive

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

   Trees are very interesting creatures.  Most are determined to grow no matter what gets in their way.  They grow around obstacles and bend toward light.  Where the wind is always blowing, they tend to lean and grow more greenery and branches on one side.  Some die when they are young, because others block the light.  Some people grow certain trees, just so they can train them to grow in odd ways.

     Our childhoods cause us to grow around things.  We lean toward certain behaviors to survive.  We fight for our turn to let the sunlight shine on our faces.  People come along and break off our branches without even thinking about it and our ability to reach out is hindered.  Then God comes along and says, "You can stand tall and straight."  We nod our heads and continue to lean.  Maybe all those other trees can stand tall, but not me, I've been leaning too long.  It's comfortable no matter how uncomfortable it is.

     I remember lots of typical sibling rivalry in my childhood.  Don't cross the imaginary line down the middle of the backseat.  "You're not the boss of me."  Yelling, "Mom." until you forgot what you were going to say.  When my kids started yelling "Mom", I joined in.  They would look at me like I was crazy, but for some unknown reason it felt good to repeatedly holler for someone else who held the responsibility even if it was only imagined.

     My brother used to reach over and touch me.  Yeah, it was terrible.  With one single fingertip he would reach over and barely touch me and I would freak out.  I can still feel my heart beat a little faster when I think about it.  Why would someone do that?  Keep your hands to yourself.  He would grin as I was freaking out and sounding like an idiot.  "MAKE HIM STOP!"

     "What's he doing?"

     "HE TOUCHED ME."  Yep, that was it.  He touched me.  With his finger.  Right here.  Touched me.  The nerve.

     I remember being told that if I would not react, he would stop.  WHAT?  Of course I'm going to react.  Didn't anybody hear me?  "HE touched me."  "HE crossed the center line."  "HE thinks HE is the boss."  A little Super-Sensitivity on my part.  Some of it was normal, but a lot of my reactions were freaking out beyond the norm.

     I realized I still do it.  This time I'm telling God.  "HE TOUCHED ME."  This time it is the enemy and it still doesn't take much for him to throw me into a super sized, super sensitized freak out.  God says, "If you wouldn't react he would stop."  I get it now.  He enjoys the freak out.  The stupid stuff I do when I'm pitching a fit.  How entertaining I can be.

     I am super sensitive to injustice.  I hate unfairness.  This is a huge battle when you are trying to line up your will with the will of God.  Forgive?  Did you see what he just did?  Turn the other cheek?  I would rather crack him across his.

     In the book, "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David A. Seamands I realized why I am so super sensitive.  Deep hurt and injustice.  When nobody stands up for you, you want to stand up, scream out, and kick butt for everyone who has been treated unfairly.  The injustice is felt at such a deep gut level, that you are either fighting to make things right in the world, the whole world or you are curled up in a ball, knowing it's impossible.  The world is too big, too unfair, and depression takes over.  All or nothing.  I want to defend everyone or die.

     I found some relief when the author spoke of several people God used who battled depression.  Christians?  Believers and followers of God?  Yep.  Depression does not mean you don't love God.  It doesn't mean you aren't close to Him.  Read some of David's Psalms.  Read about Elijah.  This one was my favorite.  Even Jonah, "It's better for me to die than to live."  God uses Super Sensitive people.

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."