Follow Me

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song



    I think I have lost my ability to put my thoughts. feelings, experiences and conversations with God into any kind of order using the English language.  Sucks because it is the only language I know.  I'm trying to sum up the last weeks, months and all I get are tears.  I remember taking rides in the mountains and snapping pictures, even panoramic to get the beauty of what I saw, but the picture would come back without most of the beauty.  It's like trying to get the Grand Canyon on paper, it's not going to happen.
    
     So we go back to a day when I decided to sell everything and go.  Go where?  Where ever God told me, even though it was my plan and not His.  Then one day I realized, He was planning with me.  Whose plan was this anyway?  As I looked around the house, adding up in my head how much money I could make, He said, "Give it away."  Excuse me? 
     We jump ahead about a month and here we are.  It's all gone.  I'm down to a few boxes and He says, "Give more."  My flesh says, "You should be working two jobs and feeding the poor."  Who does this?  Those hyper spiritual Jesus freaks, that's who.  I guess that's me.  I've said this before and I will say it again, The Lord often opens my eyes when He repeats my questions and statements back to me.  I said, I want all you have to give me and He said to me, I want all you have to give me.  I seemed to have let God out of the box, but not his answers.  I was thinking I might be blessed with a great job.  Well, I got one.  I work for Him.  He has promised to pay, to provide.  All I have to do is whatever He asks.  Sounds easy?  It's not.  It is, but it's not.  He told me, if He had given me a job, I never would have considered leaving.  I would have stayed there in that house where I was comfortable.  Following Christ is anything but comfortable most of the time.
     I come from a family of workers, many work-a-holic's.  I have created 3 children who are all hard workers.  It is what we do.  It is the right thing.  In conversation with the Lord, He wants everything I own except my car to fit in my file cabinet.  I am almost there. 
     He has given me several projects and several people to pray for.  I am busier than ever and totally blown away at the favor and blessings.  People are showing up and offering to pay for things.  I trust Him.  I have to.  I am staying with a wonderful couple who I can talk to about anything and they understand these supernatural Jesus freak things that God does.  I haven't been open with everyone about what He is doing, because not everyone would understand, but it's time to put what man thinks aside.  I only care what Jesus wants.
     In a couple months, I know He will some how (good testimony material) pull together the money for Africa.  That is where He is sending me.  At least for awhile.  He has not been very specific, but that's okay, details don't matter at this point.  How do I pay for a plane ticket?  What if I don't have to?  What if I pass through a door and I am there?  It is biblical.  So, is...

Matthew 19:21 (NIV)

²¹ Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

    

Learning to Fly!

“If Christians around the world were to suddenly renounce their personal agendas, their life goals and their aspirations, and begin responding in radical obedience to everything God showed them. the world would be turned upside down. How do we know? Because that's what first century Christians did, and the world is still talking about it.”
― Henry T. Blackaby, Spiritual Leadership: Moving People on to God's Agenda


     He sent a comforter and He would not have to do that if His plan was for us to be comfortable in our lives.  I have all but begged God for a job in the last months and months and months.  My resume is pretty good, but nothing, not one interview, absolutely nothing.  Then one day as I walked around the house I rent, with a handy man sent by the landlord, I heard the Lord whisper, "It's time to go."  Later He would tell me if He had given me a job, I would never leave this place where I feel safe.  I would never even ask Him if this is where He wants me, because this is where I want to be - safe.  Then He tells me to let everything go. I have given everything away.  Basically all I have is my clothes and my car. 
     If you think you trust God, wait until He has you give everything away.  He has plans for me this summer and I am excited about those plans and at the same time, I am scared.  The world says I should have a job.  My flesh says I should probably have two jobs.  God already has 4 major events planned for ministry this summer and He is providing for me.  Every time I get nervous He shows up in a big way.  Step out in faith and I will take care of you. 
     Leaving this house where I found Jesus is very difficult.  I have memories here of demonic attack that were terrifying, but I have more memories of God showing up.  There has been so much healing here.  It's easier to give my things away than it is to walk out the door of this house. 
     I sound like one of those Jesus freaks we have all been warned about.  I think I am one.  If the definition of a Jesus freak is someone who totally believes and trusts in Him and is willing to obey and follow, well... then I guess I am a Jesus freak.  In the last few years God has shown me where He was each year of my life.  He has shown me how He protected me before I even really knew Him.  He has shown me the value in the lessons, the reasons for the pain and glimpses of the plan He has for me.  There is a freedom and a peace that comes with knowing I am walking in His will.  There is no safer place to be.  There will be people who think I have lost it.  But I have a cross to carry and if I pick it up and walk the path He has chosen, He helps me carry it.  I am excited to share what he does in my life as I let go of the control I pretended to have and allow Him to take it all. 
    

"Nowhere near the driver's seat, and I love this journey God's got me on!”
― Dolls Bowman

Dinner in the Foyer?

“As you soak in His Presence, and soak up His love for you, you will begin to know that you are truly and totally loved, maybe for the first time in your life. This will change your life in so many ways. You will feel and experience His love and His rest and His peace daily and this cannot help but affect your life.”
― Linda Boone, Intimate Life Lessons; developing the intimacy with God you already have.


     In the book I am reading the author talks of a friend who was thankful to be single. He expressed it often, but one day he began praying in tongues and the interpretation of what he was saying was a deep longing for a wife and family.  Once he acknowledged this, he was soon married and blessed with children.  My first thought was that he must have had some idea he wanted marriage.  But the Lord pointed out to me there have been times in my life when I thought, truly believed I had forgiven and then realized I had buried deep in my heart a debilitating bitterness.  Many times I have thought the actions of another did not affect me at all, only to read something or hear something later and realize I was really hurt.
     I think all people, especially abused or deeply hurt people keep the inner most rooms of their heart locked up tight so even they forget those chambers exist.  When we step into an intimate friendship with another person, we slowly reveal who we really are to each other, but there is a place we decide to stop revealing, often times depending on their reaction or behavior.  When we step into an intimate relationship with Christ He loves to reveal to us who He is, but this relationship is different than a human friendship, because He also reveals to us who we really are. 
     If Jesus were standing before me right now, the one thing between Him and my heart is flesh.  That's why we have to invite Him into our hearts.  Truly give it to Him.  Allow him to roam around in those dark and locked up places.  It is so much easier to hear our flesh than it is to hear that still small voice.  We have to rip back that flesh over our hearts and give Him complete access.  If we keep Him on the outside His words have to travel through our flesh, which is a me, me, me filter.  Allowing Him to roam freely in the deepest darkest chambers of our heart can be painful, but it is so worth it.
     I constantly ask God to reveal hidden sin.  Lord if I am prideful show me.  If I am holding on to bitterness reveal it to me.  I want to see it and I want to repent and truly change.  I expect there to be bad behaviors, feelings and habits in me, but to my surprise instead of hidden sin, He is working on revealing hidden desires.  Yes, He cares about our desires.  During our conversation about how I could possibly not know what's in my heart He suddenly gave me a picture of Him on the cross.  I was overwhelmed with how alone He felt.  He even cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?"  Then He whispered to me, "I get it."
     "WHAT?  Get what?  I have friends.  I am not alone."
     The truth.  I always feel alone.  The only one who has even touched on removing that deep heart felt loneliness is Jesus.  I do not feel alone when I am alone with Him.  "What are you talking about, Jesus?"  He had to walk me through the feeling of loneliness to reveal a deep desire I would have denied up until that moment.  I want somebody, I want Him to take care of me.  I have always prided myself on taking care of myself.  It's easy to submit when God asks me to do something, like bless someone, pray for something, love another.  No problem.  Now, He is taking me through a test of receiving.  This is more difficult for me than giving by far.  He has taken away everything I put my security into and said, "Let me take care of you."  I don't know how. 
     I want to kick open doors that are not mine to open.  He wants to gently push other doors open and invite me to step through into an unknown place.  My flesh wants to provide for myself and others and He is saying, "Let me."  He is telling me that I want Him to and He wants to provide for me, but I don't totally trust Him to do that.  This is an area I keep Him on the outside.  My flesh is between His presence and my heart.  My flesh says, "I will provide for myself what I need."  He says my heart is expressing a desire opposite of my flesh.
     My flesh and my spirit go to war.  My head backs up my flesh, while my heart is in support of my spirit.  And the war goes on as I try desperately to crucify my flesh and allow my heart to beat in time with His.  
     I heard a woman speak recently on how our Father, the King opens the door and invites us to live in His castle, but so many of us stand in the foyer.  Whole churches are gathered there in the foyer, peeking in to watch Jesus move about the place.  She used the example of how we would feel if our kids felt they only deserved the foyer.  What if they never sat at our table, slept in a nice comfortable bed, enjoyed the presence of our company?  How ridiculous that sounds.  I see my friends in the castle moving about with Jesus, I hear them laugh.  I'm stepping in.  I'm checking out every corner of this castle He wants to share with me.  But, I think I will do that after I spend some time just sitting with Him on the couch.  It's more satisfying to wait for Him to open the door and invite me in to where He wants me to be, than to kick the door down and find out I'm at the wrong castle.

His plan is not locked into time, it is locked into obedience of faith. When we step out into what He says, His will is done. - Don Nori Sr.    
 

Without free will - love does not exist.

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf


      Where are you God?  How many times have we all screamed that?  I love the questions we scream at Him and all He does is repeat them back to us.  Where are you?  Uh... right here where you left me?  He sits right in front of us, then circumstances blind us and we can't see Him, but He hasn't moved. 
     The conversation starts out all business like.  I do not have rent money, You have to do something.  After a 48 hour freak out, I'm done with You God, I thought You said You love me blah blah blah, I break.  I am broken.  Whatever You want Lord, just tell me what to do.  I want you to stop wandering off.  The advice of a friend was to go back to the last thing he told me to do and that was editing.  I have to finish editing my story.  He has a plan.
     I went back to the story with only 20 pages left to go through, but the last three blew me away.  In my story I was telling about how I took Jesus on a tour.  I drove Him around showing Him where several traumatic things happened to me.  I talked to Him as though He was totally unaware these things even happened.  Then we came to the field where the rape occurred.  I told Him.  He gave me a picture of Him there speaking loudly into the ear of the man, begging Him to stop.  I couldn't handle anymore so I drove home.
     I emailed a friend, hoping to find relief in the torment I was going through because of the picture.  His response?  "Imagine how Jesus felt."  I don't remember exactly how I responded to that statement back then when it happened, but when I read it while editing I decided it was time to ask.  I set the laptop down, got on my knees in my favorite prayer spot and with an obvious angry tone I asked Him.  "How did that make you feel, Jesus?"  He immediately responded with a picture.  The rape was occurring in an interrogation room.  That alone says something.  There was a huge mirror on the wall where all I could see was what was happening to me.  Me.  It was about me.  But  it was a two way mirror and on the back side of the mirror where the investigators stand watching from another room was Jesus.  He was slamming His fists on the window and He was yelling, "Stop!  Don't hurt her.  I love you."  Yes, I knew He loved the rapist.  At the same time, He was screaming to me, "I'm sorry.  I never wanted this.  I love you."  But neither of us could see Him or hear Him.  Then in that still small voice I heard, "The glass is made of free will."  Of course our side was a mirror, because it was all about us.  He was all about himself that night no matter the cost.  I was all about what was happening to me.
     This made sense to me and brought a few tears, but I still had to ask, "But how did you really feel?"  Then He gave me a memory.  My grandson wasn't old enough to talk yet and was having a procedure done at the hospital.  My daughter could not handle it and walked out.  I had to hold him down.  He was crying and angry and fighting.  I was crying and hurting and kissing his face, trying to comfort him.  Then he looked at me with eyes I will never forget and still bring tears to mine.  I could see the question, "Grandma, why are you letting them do this to me?"  It ripped my heart completely out of my chest.  The Lord said, "You could have forced them to stop.  You could have picked him up and took him out of there.  But??  You knew what needed to be.  You knew what was best in the long run.  I could have broken through that glass and picked you up and took you out of that car, but without free will love does not exist."  I saw Jesus, I saw His heart.  My grandson did not want comfort from me, he wanted his mother.  I did not want comfort from Jesus, but instead ran to alcohol and many other things through the years, still angry at Him for allowing it to happen.
     Like many people I have forgiven those who hurt me, but coming to a place where I understand Jesus' position is healing beyond anything I have ever known.  At this time we have a 14 month old baby girl living with us.  After this revelation I cannot look at her without understanding God even more.  At first it was when she was being naughty and knew it.  She reached for something she should not have while looking right at me.  She knew.  I thought of all the times I have done that.  I give it to Him and then take it back, knowing it is wrong. 
     Then I watch her sleep and all I can think about is how God watches His children, us as we sleep and how that feels to Him.  When she figures out that the triangle shape fits through the triangle hole and looks over at me to share in the excitement.  I wonder how many times God is clapping for us and we don't even look His way.  He has taken me to a place where I see it everywhere.  I can't look at people and not see what He is seeing.  How many times our parents told us not to and we didn't listen.  He knows that one.  Today I heard of a friend who reached out and hugged a stranger in tears and introduced her to Jesus.  How did God feel about his daughter in that moment?   I know how I feel when my kids reach out to show a stranger kindness.  What was the right thing to do in her eyes, I believe caused a loud thunderous celebration in heaven, not only because the kingdom grew by one, but because Daddy was proud of His little girl for stepping out and trusting Him.  She stepped out of the comfort zone and into the unknown, found His lost child and brought her straight to her Daddy's arms.  I love that picture.
     We tend to want the dealers arrested and punished who are selling those drugs to our kids, but He wants the dealer in His kingdom as much as He wants our child, because they both belong to Him.  At any given time looking at our kids we can see mistakes they make that break our heart and sometimes we see courage or kindness that melts it.  He sees every struggle, every tear, every fear of everyone of us even if we think He is not watching.  How can we ignore that?  We see Him as we see our earthly father and that is not how He is.  No matter how good our dad was, He is better.  He is perfect.  He smiles at our messy faces, He can't help but stroke our hair while we sleep, He sees the danger as we learn to walk and has to let us fall.  He laughs the first time we see snow and bends the branches down a little lower so we can reach the fruit we want to pick.  He stands behind the glass of free will and He allows us to suffer, but He kisses our faces, offers comfort and weeps with us.  This life is about becoming more like Jesus and He tells us to grieve with those who grieve and weep with those who weep, because that is what Jesus would do and does.  

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“What makes a man's 80 year-old Irish uncle skip like a little boy? "Me Father is very fond of me!”
― John Ortberg Jr., Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them

Truth?

“We must cease striving and trust God to provide what He thinks is best and in whatever time He chooses to make it available. But this kind of trusting doesn't come naturally. It's a spiritual crisis of the will in which we must choose to exercise faith.”
― Charles R. Swindoll

     For weeks, okay for months, I have been overwhelmed by the deception of others.  Why do people lie?  You are probably tired of hearing about it.  I understand that people sin and have their own personal battles.  I sin and have my own personal battles.  But lying knocks me over.  Why?  I have been asking God over and over why He is showing me this.  Why is He allowing me to see the deception by people who claim to love and follow Christ?
     This morning, I finally got what He is showing me.  It is a huge lack of trust in Him.  It is a lack of knowing our true identity in Him.  We have to step out in faith, but people who lie on a regular basis have no faith.  They depend on their own manipulation to get the job done and often times they believe the job is for Him.  But they don't trust Him to come through.  They don't dare step out in faith.  Why is this lesson coming at this time?  Because I am editing my story, my book about my life.  Transparency, and trusting the Lord with that transparency is crucial for touching the lives of the unbeliever.  When I look at people who have been following Christ for over 30 years and who still operate daily on deception, my first thought is "God, what did you do?"  Why hasn't He won them over after all this time?
     I understand we all deal with doubt and unbelief at times.  It is hard to trust, especially if trust has always been an issue in your life.  But when a new believer walks through the door and sees a person who is supposedly following Christ but they are lying to get approval or whatever they want, it can turn a newby right around and send them back out the door.  Over the last few days, the Lord has been showing me just how damaging lying is to His Kingdom and how angry He is about it.  It's not the lack of trust that He despises so much as the lie spawned from that lack of trust.
     Transparency in the believer is what draws the unbeliever.  Our testimony is so important and if that testimony does not include trust in God, what good is it?  I can show you who I really am and trust God to protect me.  How many times have we heard another's story and identified with part of it and found freedom in that?  If what we are projecting is false belief, how are we to win hearts?
     So in editing my story, I have been tempted to delete parts that could set a captive free.  Those parts that only another abused person would understand.  Why?  Not that I want to lie about it, but that I don't want to be embarrassed or judged because this is personal.  I don't want to embarrass my kids and I do have to take that in to consideration.  But as long as it is truth and it is God's will, I have to believe I am under His protection. 
     The enemy has tried desperately to keep me from being open.  Fear of what man thinks.  But it is that fear of what man thinks that has kept too many abused people, abusers, sinners, etc. etc. from speaking truth and from getting help.  There is a difference between outright lying and deciding not to expose a part of your life, but if God says to expose it and you don't, isn't that disobedience?  Isn't that a sin?  We are as sick as our secrets.
     The enemy is the father of lies.  If we can't trust the Father of Truth, we are on the wrong side of this war.  Every time we tell a lie, the enemy places another chain around us, around our heart.  We stand before Jesus wrapped in our own deception and expect He does not see it?  He knows what Truth is because He is Truth and He has the key to unlock those chains and set us free.  All we have to do is muster up one seed of faith and trust Him.  Set an example.  As many as we can help, we can hurt.  But if we turn it around, then as many as we can hurt, we can help.


“Faith don't come in a bushel basket, Missy. It come one step at a time. Decide to trust Him for one little thing today, and before you know it, you find out He's so trustworthy you be putting your whole life in His hands.”
― Lynn Austin, Candle in the Darkness     

Love

“We’d avoid a lot of insecurity, if we fully, wholly believed in God’s wild affection for us.”
― Mary E. DeMuth, The Wall Around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You




     Truth should not scare us, because it sets us free.  It's the lies we have been told all our lives by the enemy that kill, steal and destroy.  I have talked to several friends in the last few days who say there are certain people who intimidate them.  Some of these people are so secure in who they are to Jesus and in the Kingdom until a certain person or type of person, walks in the room.
     As I have been going back and editing my story, getting it ready for publishing, I keep seeing patterns in my history.  I tend to choose to get my security from narcissists.  People who want to control and who have no interest in my needs, but want to feel good about themselves.  They want to control me and my life with no regard for my needs.  So, as the Lord is showing me where my insecurity is causing this, every time I choose this type of person, my insecurity grows.  The devil has had a plan from day one.  I have to break this cycle.
     In the last days the Lord has been showing me how important it is to get our identity from Him and Him alone and how that identity needs to be with us at all times, no matter who is in the room and what lies the enemy is spouting.  He has shown me in scripture how the last days will be full of false teachers, prophets and such.  I tend to see these people as evil.  I may be wrong here.  They may be rebellious, but what if the rebellion stems from fear.  Maybe started in fear, but turned into an intentional rebellion. 
     So a pastor who is insecure in his identity massages the ears of his congregation so they do not reject him.  A prophet gives you a word you want to hear and not from the Lord, so you don't reject them.  Maybe what God is saying is believe in me, believe in my love for you or you will become intent on pleasing others with false words.  Once you have let that insecurity get a firm hold on your heart, it will grow and truth will escape you.
     The greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all you have.  And love your neighbor.  To love the Lord and be in obedience will grow your trust in Him and extinguish insecurity.  To focus on loving Him and allowing Him to love you brings truth - He is truth.  We can't speak anything but truth and be in God's will.  I think about Samson, lying to Delilah about the secret to his strength.  I don't think it was okay with God that he lied about this.  I think Samson should have told the truth.  That truth should have been NO - I am not going to tell you.  Just say no.  But instead he lied.  A lie is a lie no matter what the purpose.  To sugar coat a word from the Lord or make one up, to twist the words of scripture to please your congregation comes from insecurity and a need to control an opinion of you.  Truth is so important.  Christ is truth - any less than truth and it's a lie and the devil is a liar.
     If a person is insecure at all, I suggest they study the love of God.  The bible is full of stories and verses on His love for us.  The most important thing for us to do is love Him and the cool thing about it, is He fills us with the very love we give back to Him.  When you truly know who you are in Him, obedience and loving others comes without effort.  What a powerful kingdom it would be if we all knew, really knew how much we are loved. 


“If [you] are [a Christian] … you should feel secure and honored that God loves you so much! That knowledge is a joy and a privilege. No one can ever take that from you because no one can ever take you from God!”
― Van Harden, Life in the Purple Wedge!

Man or God?

“On some positions, cowardice asks the question, is it expedient? And then expedience comes along and asks the question, is it politic? Vanity asks the question, is it popular? Conscience asks the question, is it right?

There comes a time when one must take the position that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must do it because conscience tells him it is right.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.


     The conversation lately bounces back and forth between truth and motive.  Truly following Christ is not an easy thing to do and I am seeing this more clearly all the time.  When He asks us to do something, often times, our first thought is "What will people think?"  He is concerned with what people think, but it's not about whether they are in agreement with us or not.  It's about where that thinking will take them.  Will it eventually be for the good?
     I have been in battle the last couple weeks as the Lord has asked me to do something, that I know (okay believe) will be taken the wrong way.  The minute I open my mouth to speak about this fear with the Lord, He asks me, Are you worried about what men think or what I think?"  Is it about pleasing man or pleasing God.
     I feel like I have been in a battle for my life over the last two and half years.  I am tired.  I want peace.  The only way I can even touch on peace is to stay in His will.  This doesn't mean things will be easy, but there will be peace.  Even when it hurts.
     I have learned a lot about perspective in the last weeks.  There is my truth, there is your truth and there is His truth.  His truth seems to run deeper and affect more and in different ways.
     Through all this, I have found that I am actually falling in love with Him.  I told God, I fight doubt too much to be your messenger.  He said, "You doubt yourself, but you don't doubt me."  Wow.  Isn't that the truth?  I know that I know, He will always be with me.  His way will always be the best and only way. 
     The other morning I woke from a strange dream.  The dream was a can opener.  That's it.  All there was.  Just a picture of a can opener.  What does that mean God.? It has to be You, because I do not dream of can openers.  My first thought?  Are you having me open a can of worms or a can of whoop-ass?  Then He explained.  What do we usually open with a can opener?  Cans of food.  Provision.  He said, "You know when you clip that can opener on that can that you will find food."  He was assuring me that when he provides the can opener and He points out the can, no matter what is in it, worms or whoop-ass, He will provide.  He provides all we need to do what He asks us to do. 
     The Lord has pointed out a very important man for me to watch.  Jeremiah, the prophet.  When I can't handle life another second, I watch the movie about Jeremiah for my entertainment.  This poor guy, spoke truth, he warned the king and the people, and they laughed at him, put him in prison, tortured him and he still cried for them.  As Jerusalem fell and the king was captured, I can only imagine what pain was in Jeremiah's heart.  Just like when your kids are little and you warn them and they do it anyway and you watch them hurt.  Your own heart bleeds almost more than theirs at times. 
     To watch somebody fall, to watch them implode, is excruciatingly painful.  To watch a man drown while Jesus is holding out His hand to Him, but He is in too much of a panic to reach for it rips my heart apart.  I believe I have a good idea of what Jeremiah went through that day.  I think of the king and also Samson, when the Lord took His hand of protection off them and they were turned over to the enemy, the enemy took their sight.  They could no longer see.  The enemy had control.  At that point you pray their ears for God become more sensitive.
     Lord, please, don't ever hide your voice from me.  Remind me often of the darkness I choked on alone in the night and how your light, led me out.  Guard my heart from the arrogance that causes your presence to fade from me.  Refresh me in the very palm of your hand and may that hand be the only platform I speak from, that I fight from.  Tuck my small heart into Yours where lies cannot penetrate it and where truth causes it to beat in time with Yours.  May it never become hard causing tears for others to dry up and my mouth to be sealed, never to speak your words of comfort to the hurting.  May the pain of rejection always be fresh in my mind so I may have empathy for those who fear loneliness.  May I always find comfort in Your voice, even when convicted.  Lord, may the sound of Your voice always penetrate any walls I construct around my heart and draw me back to You.  And may I never be ashamed of the tears that I cry for your children.  May my fleshly needs never outweigh the need I have for You.


“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.”
― C.S. Lewis

How much Truth?

"The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche


      How much truth does it take to please God?  Over the last months it seems God is highlighting in a neon yellow every white lie being told around me.  I would guess this is a lesson for me.  I have been accused of being too honest at times.  Can a person be too honest?  If you don't want to know if your butt looks big, don't ask me. 
     The most difficult lie to call BS on is one of motive.  We don't know what is in another's heart.  How can we even question motives?  Some lie out of being misled by others.  Some lie out of interpretation of what they heard or saw and that is not really a lie.  It is their truth. Maybe one's truth is not truth to another.  Possibly, it's a bad memory that causes a lie.
     But what to do when you know it is a lie, a deliberate untruth?  When do we call it out and when do we let it go?  If I hear a person lie more than once, I struggle to believe anything they say.  If they give me a word from God, I don't believe it.  Because the only reason to lie is to manipulate another's thinking.  Usually it is to please man so they don't see who we truly are.  Or it is to get what we want.  Lying is selfish and manipulating. 
     We have to ask God if He is showing us these things for us to call it out, to check ourselves, or to see the brokenness in a person and to pray healing.  My issue with it, is that my life, the life of an abused person is usually full of lies and secrets and I get a really bad taste in my mouth.  Do I think it is possible for us to be 100% truthful all the time?  Not really.  But is it intentional or is it as simple as saying "I am fine" when we are not?  That seems to be an acceptable lie.
     I believe there are two kinds of intentional liars.  The one who wants to have control of a situation or people and the one who only has the intention of controlling the other's perception of who they are.  Both of these are caused by insecurity.  The need to control is out off fear, whether it's controlling a situation or controlling a perception. 
     Maybe this is why lies hurt.  If you lie to me it is because you don't trust me to care about you if I know the truth.  And obviously you don't trust God.  To not trust God, I believe, is caused by not knowing your identity in Him.  What has He spoken to me when I hear somebody has told a lie about me?  You worry about your integrity and let Him worry about your reputation.  This is really difficult at times.  The Lord has repeatedly told me not to defend myself.  That is a hard habit to break.  To me this is the ultimate test of my trust in Him.  Especially when He tells me, to follow Him, I will be hated.  I have gotten a good taste of that. 
      So, how do you handle a person who lies?  Exactly how God tells you to handle that person.  It may be different than the last one.  He may have you confront and He may have you be quiet.  They know they are lying so to point it out seems pointless.  What is the real problem with being in a relationship with a liar?  You don't really know who they are.  God does.  We are to trust Him.  He does not lie.  Ever.

“I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.”
― Sabrina Ward Harrison

Jezebel, Ahab or Elijah?

Deuteronomy 32:34-35 (NKJV)

34 ‘Is this not laid up in store with Me,
Sealed up among My treasures?
35 Vengeance is Mine, and recompense;
Their foot shall slip in due time;
For the day of their calamity is at hand,
And the things to come hasten upon them.


     God puts it on my heart and until I share, I can't find peace.  Those moments, just before sleep are sometimes crazy.  This seems to be the time the Lord speaks to me the clearest.  I wake up in mid sentence and sometimes scripture.  I wasn't sleeping yet, but I heard the words, "Their foot will slip in due time."  I know God is about love and that is His main concern, but He talks to me about a lot of things and lately it is His anger.  God does say, "That's enough."  There is scripture to back this up and what comes next is not good.
     Immediately when I heard the words, I looked to see what time it was and it was 12:12.  The number 12 refers to government and the Lord is speaking about the government of the Church and the government of this nation.  He is angry.  He has warned and warned and warned.  He has shown me that many leaders are being controlled by demonic spirits and I have prayed their eyes would be open to truth, I have asked Him to forgive them, because they are not aware of the creatures who are controlling them, but God explained to me they are still making a choice.  Even when a demonic spirit is ruling us, we still know right from wrong.  We know we are lying when we tell a lie.  We know we are bullying when we allow our angry outbursts.  These leaders are not turning to God for help and He is the only One who can save them.  Pride, arrogance, control, manipulation, etc. etc.  God is done with it. 
     We should fear the Lord more than we fear the enemy.  He is in charge.  The spirit of religion, witchcraft, and Jezebel are ruling so much of the Church.  But what He has been talking to me about in the last couple days is the spirit of Ahab.  Those who sit back and let the control, the angry outbursts continue are just as guilty as the one who is demanding he knows how things need to be. 
     We are about to see some major churches fall.  We are about to see major leaders fall.  He is speaking more about the Church than national government in this area.  He needs the Church to be ready for new believers to walk in the door.  He is bringing them.  But the arrogance in the Church is chasing them back out the door.  Arrogance, like when a Jehovah's Witness walks through the door to check out this Christianity thing and the pastor makes a crack about JW's.  Where do you think that guy snuck off to?  Back to where he is accepted. 
     Nebuchadnezzar was cut down and driven crazy two live with the wild beasts because of his arrogance.  There is going to be some serious logging going on, because I see a lot of trees coming down.  Those who think it's all about them instead of God.  Those who see what is happening and are not doing anything.  Jezebel can only be taken out by a pastor.  Pastor's aren't doing anything.  Ahab's are giving her control and what is she doing?  She is out killing the one's who are telling the truth.  Why?  Because she knows it is the truth.  In the gut of the person under the spirit of Jezebel, they know the truth is being spoken and yet they choose to do it their own way.  I know of one pastor who has a spirit on him that has 7 arms and scales.  The scales represent pride.  When I asked God what the seven arms meant, He said it is an imitation of Him.  I don't totally understand this, but this person knows they are lying and manipulating and yet they believe they are hearing God.  Anger and confusion is a sure fire sign of who is in control of your thought life.  It's not God.
     My heart is hurting for the people being hurt, by these demonically influenced leaders.  I have comforted baby Christians who have been deeply wounded by these people,  Even though these leaders know something is wrong, they are too arrogant to reach out for help.  They speak words their actions don't support.  For instance, I heard a pastor say we don't need to be doing spiritual warfare, just give it to God, yet I know of a time this pastor brought a team to a house to drive out demons.  It was more than one time, so why doesn't his words back up his actions?  Actions and words don't line up.  He is under demonic influence of Jezebel and all those under his teaching, all those pastors under his authority are in danger.  We are in the last days and Jezebel is back stronger than ever.  Pray for the Elijah spirit to return and finally put that witch in her place.
     The Jezebel spirit can sit dormant in a person for years and when an old wound is reopened, all hell breaks loose as she comes out in a rage.  This is why forgiveness and the healing of old wounds is so important.
     Some of the signs you are under the spirit of jezebel
1. You refuse to admit guilt or wrongdoing
2. Lies - very well I might add
3. Talks in circles
4. Takes credit
5. Volunteers in many areas
6. Criticizes
7. Ignores people
8. Accuses others of being under the influence of Jezebel
9. Domineering
10. Vengeful
11. Acts religious
12. Knows it all
13. Demands forgiveness, but does not forgive
14. Puts words in other peoples mouth
15. Loves to Vent
16. Exaggerates
17. Independent
18. Withholds information
19. Likes to use the element of surprise
20. Commands attention

     There are many other signs.  I would suggest reading a good book on Jezebel.  "Confronting Jezebel" by Steve Sampson or "Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit" by John Paul Jackson.  If you have the spirit on you the first thing it will do is point toward someone else.  Before you read a book like this I would pray that God show you what you need to see and that he blind you from the rest.  We all have a degree of desire to control in us, so if anything touches you repent right away.  Repentance is the only way out of this.  We have to be brave and ask God to show us the truth.  His patience with people under this spirit is just about out.  This spirit loves to fill us with fear.  But, we have all the authority we need and moving closer to Jesus is the way.  If you are dealing with this spirit go straight to God and listen to Him.  Make sure it is Him by checking to see if His words line up with scripture. 
     The other night in a vision the Lord gave me a picture of a white wolf.  It was sitting with it's back to me and howling.  I asked the Lord what it meant.  I said to Him that white means pure.  Very clearly the Lord spoke to me and said, "It is still a wolf."  The fact that it was howling meant something too.  It represented the voice of a wicked person.  The Lord had me watch a movie where very likeable thieves were stealing jewelry and taking it to a jeweler and he would change it up so it wasn't recognizable.  Say they gave him a ring.  He would melt down the gold and reset the stone in a different ring.  He would say repeatedly, "It comes in dirty and it goes out clean."  The Lord said, "It is still stolen."  Even though the criminals were likeable they were still criminals.  We have to pray for discernment.  I have said it before and I will say it again, it is so necessary in these days we are living in.  If your spirit says something is wrong - listen!  Go to God and if you can't be sure you are hearing Him, go to a person away from those you know.  The enemy does not take over one persons life without taking a few around him.  If you rely on one person to tell you what is going on in the spiritual realm, you could be in deep trouble.  Go to someone who doesn't know those around you and ask them to pray with you.  Ask for words of knowledge and prophecy and then check them with God and scripture. 
     God is waiting for you.  He hears your prayers and He sees your tears.  Just this morning He had me read about Hezekiah and until this morning I had never heard of him.  It's a good read.  If you are not in God's will, and you are misleading or hurting His flock, He will take you out.  BUT, He will hear your cries of repentance if you are willing to repent.  He is listening.  Are you?
     We are born sinners, destined for hell.  As we look up out of the pit, there is Jesus and in His hand He is holding out the cross for us to grab hold of so He can lift us out.  But, it is our choice to grab on or to stay in the hell we are in.  If we are not living in His will, we are living in the will of Satan.
     I am going to sleep now and I will decide whether God wants this one posted in the morning.  Well, it's morning and I guess this is a go - I am praying for every person who reads this and needs to see the truth will see it.  That God opens eyes through this writing.  I am praying for you.  Jesus loves you.

Revelation 2:20-22

New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols. ²¹ I have given her time to repent of her immorality, but she is unwilling. ²² So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, and I will make those who commit adultery with her suffer intensely, unless they repent of her ways.

Free Will - Means to Make a Choice.

“You were saved when you believed in Jesus, but you were transformed when you realized He believed in you.” - Kris Vallotton


      So, you're a little girl about 14 years old and an angel appears in front of you.  "Even though you are a virgin, never touched by a man, you will conceive and give birth to the Son of God."  Yeah, okay, sounds good to me.  Really?  We think what God asks us to do is difficult?  Can you imagine what was going on in Mary's head as she stood there looking at this angel with his far out word of prophecy.  Do you think it may have crossed her mind, what everyone else is going to think about this?  Who will believe it?
     There are several stories in the Bible that must have brought up these same emotions.  Really God?  Is that you?  Moses standing at the sea, the army coming at him, wanting him dead and all these people looking to him to save them.  Did it go through his mind to drop the old walking stick and run?  Trusting that God is going to show up is not always easy. 
     We tend to think that our situations are unique, but you read in the bible long enough and you will find that story that resonates with your spirit.  That story that could be about you.  How many of our stories could have been written somewhere in between Abraham and Moses?  These people had to have the same doubts and questions we have.  We can't help but wonder what they went through in their hearts and minds, before they courageously said, "Yes, Lord.  I will trust You!"  and then He came through for them. 
     What about the ones who failed?  What about the ones, who lied, ran, took what they wanted?  I have found a common theme in most of those stories.  Let's start with David and Bathsheba.  David wanted what was not his.  He was a king with everything, but greed drove him to take another man's wife.  Well, another man's life.  His buddy Saul had the same affliction.  He was afraid, in all his greed, that David was going to take his kingdom and he wasn't about to stand back and give it up.  Greed and jealousy walk hand in hand.  When we want it all, we are not happy with those who have what we don't.  Jealousy.  A result of greed and jealousy is control.  Jezebel is the ultimate example of a control freak wanting it all.  The first thing she does is align herself with those she can use to get it all, those who will not fight her.  Control is easiest over the weak.  Who does she hate most?  Those who speak truth.  Truth is her enemy.  
     If we break this down a little bit, we see that jealousy and greed produced Satan.  He was a beautiful worshipping angel who decided he wanted to be the one worshipped.  Greed and jealousy were and continue to be behind every sin.  Me, me, me causes sin.  Sin could stand for Satan Is Narcissistic.  The cure for sin is submission to God.  If we are totally submitted to God, Jezebel/Satan will run from us.  Our authority is in our submission.
     Satan wants us to be rebellious toward God.  When we are rebels, we are serving Satan.  But our submission is our protection.  We have to give up total control.  Any time we try to control another person or situation we are not in God's will.  He has given all of us free will and to control someone is taking that gift that was given to them by God. 
     I know the things God asks us to do are very difficult at times.  We feel like that pregnant teen standing in the middle of the square, engaged to a man who we have never touched and judged by all who are standing there with stones in their hands.  But, what did God do?  He showed up.  He sent an angel to Joseph.  He always supplies us with the support we need either through other people, things, His word and/or Himself.  He will always lift us up when we obey.  Joseph married Mary, knowing she spoke truth.  Why?  Because God told him through an angel.  God will always confirm truth.  Through their obedience they were kept safe. 
     Sometimes I wish God would send an angel to tell me what is about to go down and how to handle it.  Maybe an email in black and white.  I have not been blessed in that way, but He has sent people to tell me I am on the right track, keep speaking truth, and don't take my eyes off Him.  He has sent books, scripture, and friends to confirm what I have heard.  You protect your integrity and I will protect your reputation.  He has told me this several times.  It's true.  He is.  The Lord is Truth and the Devil is a lie.  We have to choose who we will follow.  The sad part is there are so many who will not speak the truth (peace keepers) and what they don't realize is saying nothing is siding with the enemy.  They are making a choice who to follow, by not making a choice.  This is an Ahab spirit aligned with Jezebel and just as evil. 
     Truth is the only way.  Obedience to that truth is love.

“We need to understand that our circumstances never cause heart issues, they only reveal them.”

Kris Vallotton