You Can't Hide Broken or Fake for very Long!

“A company of wolves, is better than a company of wolves in sheep's clothing.”
― Anthony Liccione


     Stubbornness is a counterfeit strength.  Ministering to a young lady awhile back the Lord showed this to me.  I needed to hear it, because I have always been told how stubborn I am and actually held some pride in it.  Then when I saw the harm it had done in this young woman's life I was almost embarrassed about my stubbornness and I also saw how those words had been spoken over me and cursed me my whole life.  The Lord has been showing me how easy it is for the enemy to get into our lives with counterfeits.
     Talking to a young man. he told me how difficult it was becoming to study his bible every day and how far away from Jesus he was feeling.  He was also feeling guilt.  Then he talked about how he would listen to worship music in the car and find himself totally submitted and close to the Lord.  Jesus showed him there was a spirit of religion tormenting him, convincing him that reading scripture daily was required, and though we do need to know the Word, it had become a religious exercise instead of a hunger to know the Lord.  Worship was where he could abandon all rituals and submit.  It was all about loving Jesus.
     The enemy can come as an angel of light and why wouldn't he?  Counterfeit's are an imitation of truth.  A counterfeit keeps you from the real thing.  Another area the Lord was showing me was in healing.  The Lord wants every single broken part of us healed.  So, if we broke a leg, would we hobble around on it and take pain medicine?  It would not heal correctly.  It might seem like it is healed, but we would probably never run on it again.  If you covered up the real problem of the broken leg with a numbing agent, painkiller, who knows what would happen.  What if the bone set with your foot facing the wrong direction?  Ha.  So instead of addressing the symptom, we cannot be whole until we address the real problem, the true brokenness.  Line up the bone and put a cast on it.  I am truly concerned about the "healing" oils people are using lately and I have seen a change in the people using them.  One woman I have ministered with the last few years always used to ask, "What is the root issue?"  Now she has an oil to cover the pain.  People aren't getting healed, they are getting numbed.  I am not saying not to use them, but I am saying, What about the root?  Migraine headaches are often brought on by guilt, cancer often has a bitterness root and asthma from fear and anxiety.  There is more to it than this and this isn't always the issue, but often times it is.   If we cover the root with an oil or numbing agent, the symptom may be gone, but the root wound or issue is still operating.   
     Many people are resorting to plastic surgery instead of healing wounds.  Instead of finding the truth about who they are in Christ, they get breast enhancement, reshape their noses, and even change their gender.  It is obvious these people don't know who they are or that God does not make mistakes and He does not make junk.  The sad part is that so many people cheer them on.  Even Christians, who say they believe in the all powerful King of Kings will not believe who the Word says they are and instead search for themselves in diets, titles, and false friendships.  Whenever something does not feel right on our outside, we need to look at our inside.  Are we looking for significance in the wrong places?  Are our friends turning their backs?  How did we treat them?  Why did we treat them that way?  What is the root wound?  Is the oozing wound in our heart that has not been dealt with, getting gunk all over our friends?  Whatever is in our heart, comes out our mouth.  We can't hide broken for very long. 
     Over the last several months, I have seen whole families find complete freedom from going back and finding the old hurts and healing the lies with TRUTH.  The Lord told us to heal the sick.  Healing comes from truth and anything else is a lie or a counterfeit.  I have even seen this in the church.  Why is one church losing people weekly, while another with the same beliefs is growing like crazy?  The growing church has a pastor who is chasing after Jesus. and willing to look at any darkness or old wound in his heart.  The Holy Spirit is running his church and his testimony is drawing in the lost.  They understand him and want what he has.  It's hard to follow a leader who is not moving.  The other church is under a counterfeit, focused on the stuff that does not matter to Jesus.  Numbers.  It strikes me funny that NUMB is such a large part of the word numbers.  Drawing people in.  A mentor told me once that we preach, we minister to an audience of one and if we start looking at more than that one, if we start needing numbers instead of His approval, we start losing. 
     I have heard a lot of teaching lately on how we put man first and it gets us sideways.  Even in communion when we have grape juice instead of wine, we have taken on the responsibility of keeping the drunkards sober, when that is between him and the Lord.  Another form of tickling the ears?  The world has told us that one drop of wine can reignite a hunger for alcohol and maybe it can, but God, the Almighty can interfere with the worlds truth.  World truth often times is a lie.  I heard a man sharing a vision with a younger man and he said, "I know flowers are girlish, but...."  That's a lie.  God didn't make flowers for girls.  In fact, weren't the flowers created before the female?  Just sayin'.  It's okay to love flowers, men.  It does nothing harmful to your masculinity. 
     There are many other ways the enemy gets us to look at the world and deception, when we are looking for Jesus and truth.  The enemy has us battling against flesh instead of the true enemy.  The enemy puts a job with a status or title we think we want in front of us, instead of waiting on the true calling the Lord has for us.  I just heard a speaker say that instead of looking for titles like apostle, pastor or prophet, we should be pursuing the title of bondservant or follower.  The highest position of leadership a man can have in the kingdom of God is Head of his household.  It's where he can do the most good and where he can do the most damage if he fails.  When prophecy says you have a great call on your life, instead of aiming up at that title, we should be looking down to servanthood or we will never be a great man/woman of God for the Kingdom.

 
“Doctoring her seemed to her as absurd as putting together the pieces of a broken vase. Her heart was broken. Why would they try to cure her with pills and powders?”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Healing through His blood!

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.'

'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let Me in either.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out

      While worshipping a while back the Lord gave me a vision.  I was standing at the parted sea and the promised land was on the other side.  As I stood there I realized how high those walls of water really were, how dark the passage at the bottom of the sea really was, and how fear and trust were the deciding factor - Can I do this?  Do I trust Him enough to hold back the walls or will He allow them to come crashing down on me and I will drown?  There in that moment, I heard Him say, "Don't ever forget this moment."  When you are in ministry, constantly called to be the Moses who has the faith to stretch out his hand in obedience to God, so that God will part the sea for those you are leading to the promised land, you can't forget the fear of that moment.  This is where our testimony comes into play.  I stood there at that sea, with my past racing up behind me, wanting me dead, with no clue to what was on the other side and more faith in the Moses God had sent to stretch out his hand than in the God who was actually the one to part the sea. 
     In the natural, at conception, our gender is decided, our eye color, hair color and the shape of our nose.  In the supernatural God has already decided these things, before our parents even met or the earth was even formed.  That day he called it into existence a war began.  The enemy plans to destroy us immediately through fear and through deception.  There is nothing so pure, beautiful and peaceful as a sleeping baby.  There is nothing so loved and so hated.  If we could only see what is really going on around that totally unaware child. 
     Do not fear.  The bible says it repeatedly and the baby does not fear, but as he grows and the enemy's plan starts to unfold around him, fear creeps in.  He uses abuse, divorce, bullying, trauma, etc. to scare the child from his identity in Christ.  The most important thing Christ has for us is our identity in Him and the last thing the enemy wants us to get a hold of, to truly know, is who we are in Christ and fear is his ultimate weapon.  Fear of abuse, abandonment, rejection, what man thinks, and on and on.  We are slaves to an identity that is not ours.  We become slaves, in bondage to the deception caused by circumstances brought into our lives by the enemy.  Then the day comes where we stand at the sea.
     Imagine it.  You are a believer standing at the opened sea.  Your past demons are racing up behind you threatening to return you to bondage for the rest of your life, you can feel the mist of the water on your face as you examine those tall walls being held back by a God you say you believe in, and you have been told His promise of freedom is on the other side.  You look up to the top of a huge rock where Moses stands with his hand stretched out.  Who do you trust?  Moses seems more in control right now than God, who you can't see.  What if Moses was screaming at you, "You don't deserve this.  You are a sinner!!  You better say your sorry for every thing you have done before you step into that pathway.  REPENT or BURN!!"   Wouldn't you start wondering if this so called path to freedom was really God at all?  If it is, do I want to trust Him to hold this open for me?  If He called this angry guy to stretch out his hand to hold the water back, who should I really be trusting here?  I have had the word repent screamed at me before and it was much more powerful and inviting when it was whispered to me.  To be led through the Red Sea to the freedom on the other side by Moses, began way back before they even saw the water. 
     Moses had spent time with his people showing them God's truth.  The locust, the darkness, the plague and death were all used so his people knew Moses was hearing God and this built trust.  When they stood at the sea, they already had reason to trust Moses and more importantly to trust God. 
     I was with a friend doing street ministry a few weeks ago.  On the street you don't have time to build years of trust, so you really have to listen to the Holy Spirit to accelerate enough trust to plant seeds.  We approached a young man who was high and about to get into a car with a complete stranger to get higher.  My friend took his hand in hers and aggressively spoke of Christ's pursuit of him.  She is usually very gentle and I was shocked at her insistence.  I began to pray protection as I felt darkness close in around us.  I wanted her to get back in the box.  This is not how we  usually do this.  But she kept at him and I kept praying.  He thanked us and began walking away.  I was a little relieved it was over, to be honest.  But then the Lord gave me a question to ask him and with some prodding, I finally did.  Holy Spirit nailed it.  We eventually found out that when my friend took his hand, his high left him.  The Holy Spirit gave us more words to share with him about his life and his trust in us grew, because there was no denying we were hearing God and He had sent us that Saturday morning to meet with this young man.  We have stayed in contact and this man has spent time with my friends family and is making his way through the sea.  The Lord showed us both that day who He saw when He looked at this young man and we saw a brother.  We told the enemy, "Let my people go" because we knew he was one of God's kids and he was broken and hurting and didn't know who to trust.  He is learning to trust Jesus.
     Fear keeps many believers at the edge of the sea.  They have set up camp there in the desert with the mist of the water keeping them just cool enough to stay in that lukewarm place.  Some are too fearful to take the steps through that passage to freedom and others have fooled themselves into thinking they have already passed through and are actually on the other side now.  One of the fears keeping believers in the lukewarm camp is a fear of the supernatural.  Obviously those walls of water are being held back by the supernatural power and authority of God. 
     To be humble is not about our behavior as much as it is about believing and knowing who He is and what He has done and what He can do.  The harder the heart, the bigger the fear of the supernatural.  To walk in the supernatural takes a humble heart.  The minute we fight pride, we fight belief in His ability to do all things.  Pride makes up the box the religious keep Him in.  Fear of the unknown keeps us from passing through the sea of cleansing and healing.  Yes, it is scary to walk through the sea and it gets darker and deeper as you go, but then there is a point where it gets lighter and we can see the other side and it is so worth it.
     Jesus told us to do many things and fear keeps us from them.  The enemy has been working on this all of our lives.  Fear keeps us from loving others, loving God and loving ourselves.  Fear keeps us from submitting to the Father and following Jesus in every area of our lives.  Fear keeps us from laying hands on the sick and healing them.  Fear keeps us from casting out demons, from raising the dead, from speaking in tongues, from weeping with those who weep, from humbling ourselves and forgiving.  Fear keeps us from  giving, from confessing our sins and all the other things He asks us to do.  Fear even keeps us from resisting temptation.  Pride keeps us from admitting we are full of fear.  We twist scripture to prove we are right.  We slander others to lift ourselves to a place of believing we know all about God and how we are to live.  This is all fear and it is fear of man and an unhealthy fear of God and who He really is.  Fear keeps us from worship and from praying and when this happens, we are in trouble. 
     We deny the gifts and the supernatural out of fear.  I was ministering to a man who was so hungry for God, but had fear that he wasn't doing things right.  The Lord told me to blow on his stomach.  Weird right?  Exactly what I was thinking, but obedience means everything so I told the man what I was going to do and he looked at me with the wide eyes of a little boy.  I had no choice but to trust and so I blew.  Immediately this man broke.  He cried and cried and raised his hands to the Lord shouting praises.  I don't know exactly what happened, and I don't have to know.  Yes, I probably looked like a weirdo by worldly standards, but the freedom this man found was worth every bit of being uncomfortable.  It increased my faith in God and how good He is.  Did something happen in the supernatural realm that I couldn't see?  Or was it a test of obedience that caused a breakthrough?  Doesn't matter to me.  If looking foolish by the worlds standards sets people free, I am your servant, Lord.  I don't care what I look like to others.  What I care about is getting people through to the other side of that sea. 
     Fear is a barrier to intimacy.  How can you be intimate with someone you fear? 
One of the ways the enemy uses fear is to keep people from their prayer language.  Does it sound foolish?  Only to those who fear it.  Have you ever shared a moment with someone and after that there is a word you can say that only the two of you know what it means?  You can be in a room full of people and you say that word or phrase and they know exactly what you mean (much more than what was spoken) but nobody else in the room knows.  That's an intimate moment.  That's what praying in your prayer language is like.  It's a conversation between you and Jesus that even the demonic does not know what is being said.  The enemy hates it and will try to convince people it is evil so they won't even attempt it.  He doesn't want intimacy and/or secrets between you and Christ.  He does not want you having a conversation that he cannot hear.  So he uses fear to keep us from it.
    Fear of man, fear of the gifts, all fear causes us to want to control.  Control is the opposite of submit.  We control by denying the gifts are for this time or controlling what people think about the gifts.  Doubt and unbelief grieve the Holy Spirit more than anything.  If you gave somebody a gift and they did not accept it or they wanted it in a different color or model wouldn't that be a slap in the face?  They are called gifts, because that's what they are.  We honor God by accepting these gifts as He has given them.  To say we believe in Him, but don't trust Him, to say we believe the Word of God, but only parts we are comfortable with, to trust man's word more than the Father's and to stand at the sea and not go through it, leaves us in the camp called lukewarm and you know what happens there.

The opposite of rejection is Jesus!!
 

“The irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time.”
― Francis Chan

The Smell of Lukewarm!!

1 Corinthians 3:1-3New American Standard Bible (NASB)

3 And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, 3 for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking [a]like mere men?


      There is a finite number of unbelievers who have not been told about Jesus.  There is a number of people who have heard of Him, but have not been introduced.  They are out there living their lives every day, but nobody is introducing them to Jesus.  Why?  I believe it's because we are sitting back on our religious beliefs that they will come to us.  Churches have become businesses.  We run them like we are trying to lure in shoppers instead of going out to where the people are.  We offer hundreds of classes, comedy tours, food and drink.  Church isn't for the unbeliever, it is for fellowship of believers, building them up to go out and reach the unbelievers.  It's supposed to be a place where disciples are made, through training and discipline, but instead it has become a nursery. 
     I believe the church building is a place where we worship, but many don't even understand what worship is.  Worship is not singing a couple songs to Jesus.  Worship is not for us.  It's not to get us in a good mood or to help us feel closer to God, though when one truly worships Him these things can and do happen.  Worship is about honoring God.  Taking time to adore Him, to thank Him, to submit to Him.  In the concordance it compares to a dog licking it's masters hand.  Prostrate oneself in homage.  If people truly understood the meaning of worship, would they come late, because they hate the singing?  Would they ditch out early to miss the last song?  We don't have to sing, we don't have to stand, we don't have to lift our hands, it is a heart expression that causes us to want to do those things.  I struggled with worship for a long time until a friend gave me awesome advice.  He asks Jesus how He wants to be worshipped in that moment.  This works great for me.  Sometimes I raise a hand, sometimes I sit and other times I get down on my face.  It's all about Him.
     Many churches have turned worship into singing a few songs.  People walk around talking and even eating food provided by the church, while the true worshippers struggle to not be distracted.  It's sad.  It is very sad that such an opportunity is wasted because we are too selfish and focused on our wants to take some time out to adore, honor, and truly worship the King of Kings.  Have we forgotten who He is?  He has grown tired of the church (buildings) and is about to give it a shaking that many wont survive.

     I heard of a Christian man who is having an affair with a married woman.  He goes to church every Sunday with his wife and kids and plays the good man. Afterwards, he drinks in the bars and chases woman after woman.  I have been asking God how we are supposed to talk to unbelievers about Christ when Satan is making sure they see Christians cheating on their spouses, checking out the opposite sex, lying, raging, etc. etc.   The church or should I say nursery is full of babies who don't want to mature and have even reached a point where they are spitting up their milk.  When scripture speaks of spewing or spitting out it is something distasteful.  I'm believing the milk is no good. 
     Maybe if we fed the babes good milk, they would grow.  Maybe if we fed them nourishing milk they would want more, rather than the watered down stuff they are getting.  The Lord took me to several verses confirming that we are to judge our brothers. He is to judge the unbeliever's.  Has one person gone to this guy and said "What you are doing is wrong in the eyes of the Lord"  Discipline, repentance, forgiveness, and all that is deemed harsh has been removed from the teachings.  God has had enough.  This churches and this nation are about to pay the price for watered down gospel.  If the preachers don't start preaching the Truth, if the worshippers aren't truly worshipping the one true King, and if the prayer warriors don't start praying in His will instead of their own (witchcraft) God is going to shut down the churches and start giving out spankings.
     A couple weeks ago while I was in prayer the Lord gave me these words: The tents fell and what was once a gathering place for My people now appears like a ghost as they try to escape from under the weight of what they created without Me.
     Jesus gave us instructions.  It's very difficult to pray for the sick, cast out demons, raise the dead, weep with the weeping, worship, pray, use our gifts for the Kingdom, when we smell like rotten milk and people don't want to be near us.  The smell of the lukewarm?


Hebrews 6:1-4New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 Therefore leaving the [a]elementary teaching about the [b]Christ, let us press on to [c]maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, 2 of instruction about washings and laying on of hands, and the resurrection of the dead and eternal judgment. 3 And this we will do, if God permits. 4 For in the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, 

50 shades to pray

“I gasp, and I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey


     I said if I even heard the words "Fifty shades of Grey" again I would puke.  It was either the Holy Spirit or my own flesh who asked "Why?"  This topic is every where and every time I hear it, I think, "Well, the enemy is pleased to hear this."  Yes, he pulled one over on us, but I am here to condemn him, not the people in the movie, the person who wrote the book or even those who drove miles to a town where they would not be seen in the dark theater where they were actually turned on by watching this film.  I am here to say, the enemy has been doing this to people in the dark for years and it's finally been brought out into the light.  What are we doing about this as Christians?  
     I have heard Christians judge, by saying horrible things about this movie and the book and all people associated with it.  I have heard Christian leaders say things like, "I choose not to see it" with some kind of religious pride.  Others say things like, "Come on people, it's a given, We as believers should not watch this stuff."   I have yet to hear or read of anyone saying, "Hey, these are the broken people Jesus wants in His Kingdom and it's our job to go get them."  Seriously, if Jesus was walking the earth today, where would He be and what would He be saying?  I was with a group of women months ago when the book was popular and we prayed every person who read it would be touched by God. 
     Hear is the secret that has been brought out to the light that we are still ignoring: Any man who is turned on by abusing a woman is broken.  But we knew that, didn't we?  Any woman who agrees to be abused or wants it, is broken.  When a man wants to abuse a woman he has hatred toward the gender, probably caused in his childhood.  Any woman who feels that love is about abuse, was abused at some point and associates pain with love.  The hatred she feels is toward herself.  I know women who enjoy being abused in the bedroom and each of them was abused as a child and hates herself.  Some are in denial and some haven't got to that point of realization, but they are trying to punish themselves for what happened to them in the past. 
     This is an opportunity for us as believers to reach out.  But what the enemy has done is talked believers into condemning and judging so the broken men and women who are drawn to this movie and this lifestyle are too ashamed to reach out.  With all I have heard on social media, I would climb into a closet and wait for this to pass, too.  This is not what Jesus intended.  What if all the churches who claim to be believers and followers of Christ were to reach out to the broken right now?  What if they had a group to join or even  phone numbers people could call anonymously for help?  What if there was actually a sermon on the brokenness involved in this lifestyle?  Whoa, imagine a leader brave enough to call in somebody who knows more than him and have them speak to the congregation.  Prayer lines, a worship night to raise funds for sexual abuse, a prayer night for all affected by this book and movie?  I am pretty sure, yes, I do believe that is exactly where Jesus would show up in this day if He was walking in a human body again and even more strongly I believe He will show up in the spirit today if we are strong enough to love these people.  Come on Church, most of us are the ones who need prayer on this subject, either because we are turned on by it or we judge it.  Love God, love your neighbor, love yourself.
 

“The way you think about yourself determines your reality. You are not being hurt by the way people think about you. Many of those people are a reflection of how you think about yourself.”
― Shannon L. Alder

"Oh wait, there's more", she screamed sarcastically.

“In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grief.”
― Emily Giffin, Heart of the Matter

     The dimensions of forgiveness?  70 times 7.  When the Lord wants to show you something it is amazing the memories He can bring to the surface.  I was in grade school, but I don't remember which teacher it was who said, "Whenever you see the multiplication sign you can insert the word "by"."  This makes sense when forgiving 70 by 7.  This makes the whole dimension theory appear to be more than a theory.  I want to know more about these levels of forgiveness.
     I am in the word every day reading and learning with a hunger for knowledge that I haven't had in a couple years.  Then I heard a sermon on chasing the experiences of those in the bible when we can have our own experience.  I haven't been experiencing Him like I was.  In fact, I have been somewhat avoiding Him.  After the road trip with friends brought a lot of junk to the surface I was more hungry for personal experience and more healing.  Where does all this hurt come from and why can't I put it behind me.  I gave up running.

Me: Jesus, why am I unwilling to spend the time I used to spend with you?  I used to get on my knees for hours and You showed me all these things about me and about You and now our conversations are more mechanical. 
Jesus: You have come to the end of your intimacy.
Me:  WHAT?  This is it?  This is the great intimacy that everybody talks about?  Well that's a let down.
Jesus: You have come to the end of what you know.  There is deeper intimacy, but you will have to allow Me to take you there.
As fear grips my throat, I realize a change of subject is in order. Me: Okay, but why can't I forgive "what's his name"?  I still get so angry.
Jesus: You have forgiven, you know his heart, you see what the enemy is doing in his life, but nobody taught you to grieve. 
Me: Grieve?  What do you mean grieve?
Jesus:  Grieve the loss of the friendship.  Grieve the person you thought you knew and accept he does not exist.  If you allow Me to walk you through this grief, the intimacy with Me will grow. 
Me:  Goodnight
Jesus:  I will be right here
Me: Goodnight.

     Who wants to grieve?  I spend the day reading about forgiveness.  I study but everything seems to be a rabbit trail.  I replay our conversation over and over and it makes a little more sense, but seriously?  Who wants to grieve?

     That afternoon in a conversation with one of the people I live with, I complain about not getting anything done.
B: You were in scripture all day.  That is doing something. 
Me: God said if He gives me a real job like I asked, He would lose me.  He said work is another escape, addiction, way of avoiding life.
B: Look at all He has shown you.  You aren't wasting time.  This is good stuff.
As we sit at the table with the Bible and the Concordance and begin our almost daily digging into scripture, I tell him about a woman I prayed for the night before.  Her daughter was killed in a car accident and she could not forgive the driver of the car.  When she spoke the words, "I forgive" she broke.  It was so good to see her let loose of some of that anger.
B:  Wow, anger keeps the pain away.  It keeps us from grieving.
Me: What?  Are you kidding? 
We both realize how this applies to me. 
B:  I'm sorry.
Me:  Don't be.  That makes so much sense.  That is what I am doing,  I am stuck in the anger so I don't have to grieve.
There we sat, our eyes filled with tears. 
Me: This is going to suck
B: No it's not.

     One of the levels, a very important level to forgiveness is grief.  Grief has 5 to 7 levels of it's own.  The dimensions theory is further proven.  The first stage of grief is denial and the second is anger.  What I thought was unforgiveness, is really the anger that comes in grief.  Any situation where forgiveness is called for there is grief for what was lost.  It could be trust, it could be a friendship, it could be a life. 
     Fear of grieving is huge.  Why is it that I can forgive somebody who sexually abused me over and over, but I can't seem to walk through this?  When Jesus takes me back to the memory of grieving for what was lost through the abuse, I remember being wrapped in a blanket for two days, barely able to move.  The tears kept coming, when I thought there couldn't possibly be any left.  I grieved my childhood, my innocence and all the parts of my life I missed out on because of the abuse.  After that, this should be easy?  Right?  No.  It's not.  Those people, even though I knew them and they were significant in my life before the abuse, (most of them anyway) this person is different.  Why?
     I did not trust him because of his position in the world or in my life.  I trusted him because I chose to.  I battled hard for that trust.  I thought he was battling with me.  There were many times I thought he would turn his back and he had every right to, but he didn't.  He got up in the night when God woke him to pray for me.  He said he would protect me.  What exactly am I grieving? 
     The Lord showed me recently that when he rejected me, it took me back to the moment my dad left.  I was eleven years old and angry.  When this person turned to walk away, there was an eleven year old's anger that came out of me.  I was not almost fifty with the maturity of someone that age.  I was that eleven year old sitting in that dark basement realizing that this man was not who I thought he was and I only had the maturity level of that eleven year old in the area of dealing with the hurt.  I hurled every word I could come up with to hurt him back, just like I did with Dad almost forty years ago.  The biggest difference was with Dad, I grabbed his leg and begged him not to go.  When I did let go, I promised myself I would never again beg anyone not to leave me.  I stuck to my promise.  In fact, I screamed everything I could to make sure he never came back. 
     While I was with my friends on our road trip, I had a vision.  There was this huge carrot in the ground and God said, "Let's pull this out.  It is a root."  I pulled, but the green just broke off the top.  I saw his hand go right into the dirt around that carrot and grab a hold.  He said, "Are you ready?  I am going to pull this out."  I said, "No.  Leave it.  Cover it up with dirt.  Nobody will know it's there."  He and I know it's there and it has to come out.  Why a carrot?  Carrots are good for the eyesight?  Things will look different? 
     Here we sit.  Grief huh?  You going to stand there with Your hand on that carrot all day, God?  I see Him smile.  Suddenly, I think of a bad tooth.  The constant pain.  It needs to go.  Tylenol or pull it?  Keep the ache or pull it out by the root?  This may seem a little crazy, because as bad as I know it is going to hurt, I also know the relief will be HUGE.  His hand grips the carrot a little tighter and I rest my hand on His arm like I do at the dentist so that if I panic I can signal Him to stop.  Ready?  He is ready.  Am I ready?  Believe it or not, no.  I don't want to do this.  I'm going to go find something else to do.  I could lie, but let's face it.  I am avoiding for now.  Maybe tomorrow.


“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Repent? Ouch or Awwww

“The world is full of men who want to be right, when actually the secret of a man's strength and his pathway to true honor is his ability to admit fault when he has failed. God wants to fill the church with men who can say they are wrong when THEY ARE WRONG. A man who is willing to humble himself before God and his family and say:"I was wrong." will find that his family has all the confidence in the world in him and will much more readily follow him. If he stubbornly refuses to repent or admit he was wrong, their confidence in him and in his leadership erodes.”
― Jim Anderson, Unmasked: Exposing the Cultural Sexual Assault


     It was very early in the morning, not much traffic on the road, when the Lord whispered to me in that still small voice.  Months ago a friend and I spent a lot of time discussing God's tone.  We had heard a speaker say, "What if it was not a big booming voice that said I AM, but what if He whispered it?"  This changes everything.  What if He did not explode in a demanding tone, "BE HOLY AS I AM HOLY."  Some versions of the Bible have these words in CAPS.  What if He whispered these words.  Honestly, they are stronger to me when whispered, because they are an invitation to be like Him.   He gives us free will and draws us in.  He uses the example of a shepherd who leads the sheep instead of driving cattle.  So on this foggy cold morning, when many hadn't even been to bed yet, I was getting up and driving to a friends where five us were about to set out on a road trip.  This was a trip to a church 12 hours away where we knew God had selected the five of us to go, because He had an experience for us.  In that darkness as I was driving He whispered, "Repent."  I knew what He was saying immediately. 
     The enemy wants us to see Him as this big demanding, judgmental "I see everything you do and I'm waiting to send you to hell" God.  What if He is asking us, "Repent, please change your mind, your attitude on this particular subject."  If our child was standing on the edge of a pit of fire and about to fall in, fear would most likely take over and we would most likely yell "GET BACK!" and honestly we could scare them so badly they could fall in.  But God is not scared.  He knows and sees all.  I believe He is saying, "Step away from the danger and change your course.
     When I was talking to a friend about this, he reminded me of Elijah hiding in the cave in 1 King 19 and God asks, What are you doing here?"  He knows Elijah is hiding.  He knows fear is controlling Elijah's actions.  He doesn't show up in the wind or the earthquake or the fire, no God speaks to him in that still small voice and basically says, Put fear aside, change your direction and go.  Change your attitude, your belief, change your direction, instead of deeper in the cave go forth to do My will and don't sit in the regret of what has happened, just go.  Repent?  We have made this into an ugly scary HUGE thing, when really as I see it He just wants us to see truth.  So if we believe the lie that we are worthless, because the enemy has been pounding it into our heads since conception, will God yelling, "YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS." convince us we have value?  I don't think so.  To change our beliefs about this lie and come to believe our life has value, a whisper would be more convincing to me.  Then comes the sorrow for believing the lie and acting on it.
     I am not saying that God does not get angry or discipline.  He has spoken firmly and clearly to me and I knew it was a time when I needed to listen and not argue.  Some people don't believe this can be God.  I knew it was.  In a recent post I told of a curse He told me to break and I argued.  The next thing I had a full size Buck slam into the side of my car.  My mirror, for looking back, was completely busted off the car.  I repented.  Why?  Because I knew how serious He was.  He did not want me lining up with the lie.  I was sorry, not as much for not wanting to break the curse, but what really broke me was that He had better for me and I was refusing it, I was limiting Him, I had Him in a box.  I broke the curse, asked forgiveness and then had a very valuable conversation with the Holy Spirit.  I changed my heart and my mind and became willing to align with God's will in this area.  God wants more for us, He wants us to have all He has for us, but so many of us get stuck.  I had a pastor yell at me to repent.  I knew enough about him, that his words were offensive,  YOU are telling ME to repent?  Don't we lead by example?  That night driving in the fog, God reminded me of that moment how little impact his words had on me because of who I saw when I looked at him.  BUT, God also reminded me of the many times through healing where people I trust said to me in a normal voice, "You will have to repent for that." then they exposed the lie I was believing, the damage it had done to my life and walked me through changing my belief and attitude.  Repentance was not a scary thing, it was freeing, it was empowering, and humbling all at the same time.
     I believe when we see our error and admit to it and we are transparent about it, we have more success in leading others to repentance.  Those who have led me through it, I have seen do it freely and openly in front of others.  Power is in our testimony.  God's greatest commandment is to love Him, our neighbor and ourselves.  Forgiveness, repentance, and obeying are all apart of that.  This is another example of the enemy trying to hide the Truth from us.
    

“But the man who is not afraid to admit everything that he sees to be wrong with himself, and yet recognizes that he may be the object of God's love precisely because of his shortcomings, can begin to be sincere. His sincerity is based on confidence, not in his own illusions about himself, but in the endless, unfailing mercy of God.”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

repent vs GRACE. What is at hand?

“If you are renewed by grace, and were to meet your old self, I am sure you would be very anxious to get out of his company.”
― Charles H. Spurgeon


     Yesterday I sat alone watching the championship game. This game would decide one of the two Superbowl teams.  Though I was alone, every time a touchdown was scored, in my mind, I could hear rooms full of people cheering, yelling, making manly grunting noises.  It made me sad.  Fans of the Seattle team even have their own name, the 12th man.  I hear all this talk about unity in the church and how we are to achieve it and then church lets out and unity is achieved in thousands of homes in front of a TV screen as they cheer for their team.  There is unity in sports.  People wear the team colors, even painting their nails and hair.  Why can't we have this in the church.  We all gather by the thousands causing blackouts and water issues at halftime cause we are all running to the bathroom at the same time.  They even measure the "Fakequake"  the fans cause with their cheering when there is a touchdown, but when a soul is saved and announced in church, we often resort to the "golf clap"
     This is what I call a false unity.  It will be over when the season ends.  Even 9/11 caused a unity in this country, but I believe it was a false unity because it died off rather quickly.  I come as a fairly new believer and there are things I just don't understand.  In order for something to grow, it needs roots.  Where are the roots of Christianity in this country?  Where are the elders?  Who do we go to with our questions?  Aren't we supposed to have teachers?  Also, aren't the teachers supposed to learn from their students.  Instead I see teachers turning on their students, because they do not agree with their teachers, and actually question their teaching.  Where is that in the Bible?  All we get is a shoulder shrug.  I hear these churches trying to draw in unbelievers.  Where is that in the bible?  Isn't the Church supposed to go out and meet them where they are at?  I hear it being preached that Jesus meets us where we are at.  Well, I am at the grocery store, at my job, walking down the street, etc. etc.  I don't see you followers of Jesus. 
     I talked to God about this the other day.  I believe the picture I saw was from Him.  Men were calling out to people, "Come over here" and there were flashing lights and other things to draw customers in.  When I asked God what He was showing me I heard the word carnival.  Games, food and rides.  They all represent the Church.  There are the rides that are a thrill and then they are over.  There is the food that is not nutritious, only good for our taste buds and there are the games that only take our money.  The people at each station are yelling out for us to come to them, for the most fun.  If you want to win, come to my booth, we believe the Sabbath is on Saturday.  No, no, come over here, we only teach grace, cause that is all that matters.  We have the booths, rides, food trailers, each representing the different focuses in the church buildings  We teach through the King James, we don't believe in hell, we speak in tongues, we don't.  Everybody is trying to draw in the unbeliever, yet do they even talk to them to see why they don't go to church?  Maybe they don't like carnivals?  Maybe they have been lied to all their lives and don't want to play anymore.  Maybe they have PTSD and hate crowds.  Maybe they hate hearing about grace and then getting yelled at to repent when they tell the truth.  Maybe they are waiting for someone to care enough to find them where they are at.   Maybe they want the truth that is written in the Holy Bible even if it hurts.
     Where does the bible speak of being comfortable?  Where does it talk about Jesus gathering up comfortable couches and serving cold drinks, before speaking to a crowd?  Where does it say, Jesus ordered them to build a huge building and draw people in?   Where does it say, we don't discipline our brothers and sisters, we just give grace and continue allowing them to influence the people?  Jesus spoke Truth.  He walked around the country from town to town and people who had heard of Him came to hear.  Where did they hear about Him?  On the street?  Or did they meander into a big building and ask what was going on?
     Last night I looked up four words in the Concordance and was surprised how many times those words were spoken by Jesus.  He only says what the Father says.  Love, loves, loved, etc was spoken 70 times by Jesus in the Bible.  Forgive in all it's forms was spoken by Him 37 times and repent was 27.  The first word I looked up that surprised me the most was the word "Grace"  It was spoken one time.  My grace is sufficient.  If this is any kind of scale as to how we should be teaching we are in big trouble.
     Maybe there are things I don't see or understand but these are the things the Lord is speaking to me and as a somewhat new believer this is my most honest truth about what I see.  I do know people and hear stories of them speaking to people in the marketplace.  Those people don't brag about how many chairs they filled last Sunday, but they do brag about how awesome their God is.  It's embarrassing to see the individual churches look more like a billboard than a safe place.  We offer classes, coffee and comfort.  Really?  How about Truth, which booth do I have to go to in order to find Truth.  Even if it hurts, I want it.  Teach me to hear God and then I will tell you if He wants me sprinkled or dunked.  Stop giving me the "Do as I say, not as I do" crap I got growing up.  People in the world who have never entered a church can read "Fake" a lot easier than most of the people who have been sitting there for years.  If the pastor disappeared, would they know how to feed themselves.
     Maybe there are so many denominations and beliefs because God never intended the Church to be a building and so He won't give one church all the truth.  Maybe the one with the truth is the one pounding the pavement for the Lord.  So as we argue about beliefs and then go home to drink a beer and watch the game, I have to ask, what is with all this disagreement and why is it so huge?  Because as long as we are focused on this little stuff, we are not united.  We are not focusing on the real battle.  How many unbelievers died blocks from us while we were cheering on our team?  Would we have left the game to talk with them or scheduled an appointment for after the game or even better yet, for Monday.
     Another thing the Lord and I have been talking about is the state of the nation.  We all sit around talking about how the enemy is taking over this country, this world and how the times are getting so bad.  The state the world is in is the responsibility of the Church.  We are talking about our own failure.  If you want to meet for a weekend service, how often do we take the time to pray for this nation, for the leaders, for the world?  We have authority to bind the enemies hands.  We focus on each person, each unbeliever, each play in the game, when this is a much bigger deal.  This is war. 
     The other day as I was wrestling with doubt, the Lord reminded me of dreams He gave me over three years ago.  I had a dream that a megachurch pastor was being run over by a blue Ford pickup.  It was over two years that He explained the details of the dream.  The pastor represented the Church and he was being run over by a demon driving a blue pickup.  The blue was the color of the high priest.  So, the church is under attack by it's own leaders.  When I doubted that dream I asked for another with the same meaning.  I had forgotten about that dream until the other day when doubt was attacking again.  The second dream was the cast from Happy Days.  They were laughing and dancing while in the woods behind them, I saw dark shadows moving about.  The part of the dream that I never understood until just now was the mom from Happy Days was leaning against a big rock.  Mom's in my dreams usually represent the pastor.  She was leaning on the rock, not standing on it.  She was glaring at me and she was not happy.  Why?  Because I am telling people that the enemy has infiltrated the church.  Even when a bad church collapses those wounded people and their hurt and their demons are spread to many other churches.  Who walks them through healing?  Instead we cheer them on while they build new churches that are rooted in their wounds. 
     We are focusing on the symptoms and not the real issues.  The pastor is too busy focusing on addiction and divorce and things the enemy has done instead of showing us how to bind him.  Is this because it is what he is dealing with in private?  We would not allow a drunk (on alcohol) pastor to preach, would we?  Would we cover it up?  Drunkenness is noticeable, but what if he is lusting, judging, or hating while he preaches?  Teaching us how to hear, heal, and cast out demons would sound more like teaching us to be like Jesus than focusing on grace when we mess up.  Aren't we supposed to be renewed by grace?  Grace doesn't mean to stay in your crap and know you are still saved.  Not only are you healed and forgiven, but pick up your mat, clean up your mess and get out there.  People are dying and yes, they are going to hell.  What are we supposed to do Pastor when our friends die and we know they do not believe?  How do we comfort their families?  Do we tell them the truth?  Who told us the truth?   I even heard it said at a funeral a while back that God was probably standing there waiting for this man with a beer for him.  Really?  The man loved his beer, dedicated more of his life to beer than Jesus and they really believe God is standing there with a beer for him?  Where did they hear their truth?
     The Church in America is so focused on keeping their rose colored glasses clean that they don't hear the cries of those who are dying and being packed off by demons.  We just medicate the sick and  dying so we don't have to hear their screams instead of healing them through our hands and through the name of Jesus.  If the Church was teaching us our identity in Christ, our TRUE identity those sins, addictions, etc. would fall away.  I am angry.  It is a righteous anger.  In the dream that I had when the pickup ran over the Church, I was standing amongst a group of people on their cell phones texting and talking.  The Lord told me, He is sending the message, but nobody is listening.  The demonic was driving the high priest, the lead pastor running over the Church and the people God was telling were saying things like, "It'll be okay" and "It will die anyway." 

Matthew 11:20 (NASB)
²⁰ Then He began to denounce the cities in which most of His ^[a]miracles were done, because they did not repent.


     Call me a troublemaker, upsetter of the peace, whatever you will, but know this, if I don't speak out, the death, the sin is on my head and not the sinner.  The game is not a game at all.  It's a war.  While so many people are coloring their hair and nails crazy colors, the jerseys in this war are replaced by robes and the colors are black or white.

“Repentance must dig the foundations, but holiness shall erect the structure, and bring forth the top-stone. Repentance is the clearing away of the rubbish of the past temple of sin; holiness builds the new temple which the Lord our God shall inherit. Repentance and desires after holiness never can be separated.”
― Charles H. Spurgeon

The F word? Forgive

“In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feel like a decision to reward my enemy. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another.”
― Andy Stanley, It Came from Within!: The Shocking Truth of What Lurks in the Heart 



     That last post brought me into a few deep conversations that helped me to see this more clearly.  When God reminded me of the verse Daniel 9:24 that begins with the Seventy weeks have been decreed, determined, etc.  it didn't even register with me at the time that seventy weeks is 70 times 7.  It is about rebuilding.  Forgiveness is the root to rebuilding cities, nations and people. 
     After realizing this and some discussion, I wanted to learn more about what Jesus means when He says to follow Him.  Take up your cross and follow?  In our human minds we get a picture of one entity walking behind another, but when I looked up the word follow in Greek from the verse Luke 9:23 and many other verses that talk about following the words "as a particle of union" hit me hard.  I immediately see drops of water falling into a river.  This is how closely He wants us to follow, that we become one with Him, if He flows to the east, we flow with Him, around ever turn.  God's arms form the river bed as we all move together and once the drops (His people) fall into the river and become one with Him, can they ever again be separated?  No, but they can pool off into stagnant water and stop moving. 
     I see the first step in forgiveness is to speak the words.  There is life and death in the tongue.  When I first spoke the words, "I forgive them", I did not feel it.  I did not want to forgive, but I wanted to obey and I wanted to be free.  Once those words were out there, I had to flow with Jesus and allow Him to instruct my next steps and as we have walked together through forgiving I am now at a point where I want that total freedom for those who hurt me.  I want that freedom for every person, but what I see is forgiveness seems to be the fence so many believers are sitting on.  Some choose to stay on the side of not forgiving.  Some seem to say the words, but not want to step into a deeper forgiveness on the side of the Lord, of growth, of freedom.  Giving forgiveness and even receiving the forgiveness on the deeper level Christ wants for us seems to be the place we get stuck.
     To say the words is the first step, but it is a surface step.  It's a lot easier to forgive over and over on a surface level of just speaking it, than to forgive on a deeper level, layer and find that freedom promised to us. 
     In the story of Naaman he is told to go wash in the Jordan seven times and he would be healed of the leprosy.   Naaman wanted a quicker fix, "Can't I just..."  How many times do we say these words to God when He is asking us to do something?  I used to try to bargain with Him more often than I do now.  Naaman washing seven times in dirty water is an excellent picture of the Lord asking us to forgive.  What looks like getting your hands dirty is actually going to clean you of the disease of unforgiveness.  Joshua is instructed to walk around the walls of Jericho 7 times.  With both Naaman and Joshua's stories I can see it takes faith to continue.  Just as in forgiveness, with each layer it gets a little harder to have the faith that one day you can be completely free.  We can come up with every excuse not to forgive, not to follow Jesus, not to obey on the deepest level. 
     I saw this video yesterday.

 

          I also see where people, including myself find it much easier to accept forgiveness for our transgressions ( Outward sin ) like adultery, stealing, lying than to accept complete forgiveness and  complete healing for our iniquities, (Inward motivation that drives us toward sin) lust, hate, attitude.  We say things like, "That's just the way I am built" or "It's the thorn in my flesh".  But Isaiah 53:5 says "⁵ But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." 
I heard a pastor point out his wounds were outward and His bruises were inward.  We can be completely free.   We can and must if we are truly following Jesus, a particle of union, set others free.

John 20:23 (NASB)

23 If you forgive the sins of any, their sins [a]have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.”
 

Forgive once, Deeply!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.


     My world has gone crazy.  I have had so much going on I can barely sort my thoughts.   While the storm is raging around my boat and I am trying to hold on for dear life, Jesus shows up and says, "Hey, Get out of the boat."  Are you crazy?  This is not a time to test my water walking skills. 
     A friend asked me to dinner and while she was away from the table I heard the Lord speak, "I want you to write your dad a heart felt letter.  Let him know you love him and that he is completely forgiven."  That's easy.  I can do that.  I confidently said, "We can talk about this in more detail later."  Then my friend sat down with a "Get out of the boat" expression.  "Hey, I just had a vision of you writing a letter and I could see the words "I forgive you"."  Well if that wasn't confirmation enough, but instantly I was hit with a knowing that Dad was only the beginning.  I would be writing letters to each of those who abused me.  Several thoughts flooded my mind for the next day or so.  Some of them were mine and some were from the Lord. 
     One thing He showed me was what I had received from my true friends for Christmas was shoes and contacts.  Some may think I am making something out of nothing here, but what the Lord showed me was that He has surrounded me with the relationships I need to walk me through this journey (shoes) and help me see clearly (contacts).  It was a relief to me.
     I have forgiven.  I feel no anger toward these people.  Why now do I contact them?  I thought it was finished.  Okay God, You are going to have to teach me about forgiveness.  I open my heart and my mind for whatever You want to show me.  Wow.  The last few days have been an intimate ride down a path I never expected.  Earlier in the day my friend and I had been talking and out of the blue I heard the Lord say something about the 7 spirits of God and we forgive 70 times 7.  I said it out loud and forgot about it, until I got home that night and was thinking about writing the letters.  A few of my friends were sharing a writing on the 7 spirits of God and so I asked for a copy, but when I started to read it, the Lord said "No.  I don't want you to focus on this, I want you to have a clear mind and hear me."  This wasn't the first time He said "No" to me when my friends were studying something and I began to join in, so I stopped reading and put it away. 
     Forgive 70 times 7.  Several times in the Bible when the Lord wants to give an infinite number He uses grains of sand, hairs on our head, stars in the sky, things that are too numerous to count.  He didn't do that here.  We can actually multiply this number and come up with an answer.  Why?  I have heard many times that this means infinite, but I wasn't feeling that. 
     I got out the Concordance and began to look up the words describing the seven spirits of God and though I felt Jesus was telling me not to go too deep in this area, there was a definite feeling of God's completeness.  There were also words that stood out to me.  In Hebrew one of the words used to describe the spirit of the Lord were eternal.  Forgiveness should be eternal and our forgiveness is.  The spirit of Counsel brought out the words purpose and resolve.  The spirit of Might brought me to the words victory and mastery.  We can have victory in forgiveness.  Though I did not focus too much in this area, the one thing I got was forgiveness should be complete.  What if 70 times 7 is the dimensions or quality of forgiveness and not the quantity. 
     If we were made in the image of Christ then we should have or be able to attain the 7 spirits of God.  I don't totally understand this 7 spirits thing, but I strongly feel it is about completeness.  We were made in His image, we are to strive to be like Jesus.  God did not send His son every time we sinned.  He died once for every sin committed and every sin that would be committed.  We forgive the person, not the sin.  The sin belongs to the enemy.  We are not to be offended.  We are to forgive that person so completely that we can never be offended by them or what they did again?
     So if 7 represents the completeness and the layers or depth of forgiveness, what does 70 mean?  I looked up every instance where the bible uses the number seventy.  Seventy elders, seventy sons, army of seventy thousand, I'm wasn't seeing anything until BAM.  Daniel 9:24, I had been given this verse a couple years ago when God said He was lifting His hand off a particular church.   

Daniel 9:24  (NASB)

24 “Seventy weeks have been decreed for your people and your holy city, to finish the transgression, to make an end of sin, to make atonement for iniquity, to bring in everlasting righteousness, to seal up vision and prophecy and to anoint the most holy place.

     Instructions on how to finish the transgression?  The way I read this there are 7 things to do in 70 weeks.  Mariam, Moses sister was struck with leprosy and when Moses asked God to forgive her, God sent her out of the camp for 7 weeks, Nebuchadnezzar was eating with the beasts for 7 years.  I'm wondering if 70 is a time allotment?  Not that we have a certain amount of time to forgive, but that we keep at it until it's done.  We don't throw it on the back burner because it needs to be started immediately and as long as we are striving toward complete forgiveness He will show us the way or ways, layers, parts to complete forgiveness.  It's a process.  It's His timing.
     I had to look at Jesus on the cross.  That was all about forgiveness.  The whole crucifixion was about forgiveness and love.  When Jesus was crucified, He did not have to ask for forgiveness because He had not sinned, but He asked the Father to forgive them for they know not what they do and I think He was talking about all of us.  We ask for forgiveness for ourselves, but what about asking for forgiveness for others.  If we want to be like Jesus, I'm seeing this as a must.  The Lord commands us to forgive, it's not a request and Jesus as our example asks the Father to forgive others.  God sacrificed his Son and Jesus suffered, though He had done nothing wrong and He suffered for us who had sinned against Him.  Who are we not to suffer for those who have sinned against us, hurt us, even if we have done nothing wrong?
     One other thing the Lord has been talking to me about is communion.  We must first examine ourselves.  I can't count how many times I took communion before I heard this explained.  I wonder how many people are sitting in church buildings examining themselves and finding nothing to forgive or be forgiven?  Making excuses in their own minds why they don't have to.  Do they understand the importance of examining ourselves?  Is this why so many in the Church are asleep? 

1 Corinthians 11:27-32 (NASB)

27 Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner, shall be guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord. 28 But a man must examine himself, and in so doing he is to eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgment to himself if he does not judge the body rightly. 30 For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number [a]sleep. 31 But if we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged. 32 But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world.         
    
     God wants to forgive us enough that He sent His only begotten Son to suffer through a horrendous death so we can be reconciled to Him. Why are we so afraid to allow him to shine His light into our dark places and heal, forgive and love us?  I want freedom so badly, I don't care how bad it hurts to get there.  I'm not stopping.  I believe we are to leave the door open, take it off it's hinges, for God to shine a light into our hearts and show us what we need to heal.  He took the first step in Jesus crucifixion, now it is our turn.  The forgiveness is there and has been presented to us, all we have to do is ask for it.  We also need to be willing to give it - For - Give. 
     I had told the Lord weeks ago that I want to be a person with no offense.  I want to be that person you can do or say anything to and I don't react.  I don't get offended.  I don't want to have anything to ask forgiveness for.  I am a long way from being this person I want to be, but when the Lord addressed my request we began the conversation on forgiveness.   I believe what He showed me is that we forgive the person, not the sin.  We forgive the person on such a deep Godly level that nothing they have done to us is remembered and future sins are already forgiven.  Isn't that how He loves us?
     I think we need to get all of our wounds, garbage, baggage, whatever you want to call it, out of the way, cleaned up, dealt with, so when we are asking God for forgiveness, it is always for others.  Moses still made mistakes, but how many times did He ask God to forgive those who followed him?  Stephen was stoned to death and his last request was forgiveness of those who stoned him.  How many of us on our death bed would be thinking of forgiving others?  God told Job to pray for his friends after all He had allowed the enemy to do to Job.  Was he asking God to forgive them?  Probably.  David was a man after God's own heart who had opportunity to kill Saul, but he loved him and saw him as God's child and left him for God to deal with.  Vengeance is not ours, but forgiveness is ours to freely take and/or give.
     The first part of forgiveness no matter if we are asking God to forgive us or another person, whether we are giving forgiveness, or forgiving ourselves is to take responsibility.  No matter what anyone else is doing, saying or believing, I can do something about this situation.  Jesus was sinless as he stood in the gap.  God is looking for people to intercede, to stand in the gap and I believe it is our responsibility to be like Jesus mostly in love and forgiveness. 
     So I write my letters when and to whom God tells me.  After focusing on forgiveness in such  deep and intimate time with God, I have such a deep desire for others, for all abusers to have freedom, to be forgiven, to forgive themselves and to reach a place in their relationship with Jesus that they can't wait to set others free.  As I was forgiven before I committed sin, those who abused and hurt me were forgiven by God before they committed any sin against me.  We will never know how much it cost to see our sins upon that cross.


Jeremiah 29:10-13 (NASB)

10 “For thus says the Lord, ‘When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans that I [a]have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

Unity? In what?

“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.”
― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

     I hear so many people crying out for unity, but only one of those made sense to me.  A mother wanting unity in her family, a pastor demanding unity in the Church and a ministry school leader also wanting unity in the family of God.  The School leader was the only one who made sense and gave me hope, because what he was basically saying is if we are all looking up we will all be one unit following God, even when we don't agree.  

     The problem with the other two is that they want others to agree with them.  They want to play God.  Why can't you see it my way?  If you disagree with me, shut up about it.  There are very few respectable authority figures in this day.  I am blessed to have two in my life who I can trust after years of being betrayed by authority figures.  Why do I trust these two?  Because they do not depend on themselves, they truly depend on God for all the answers and they hear Him.  They are humble and admit when they have made a mistake or even when they thought they heard from the Lord and realized it wasn't Him.  They don't have Him in a little box with "Open in case of emergency" stamped on the side.  He lives in them and they live for Him.  

     Lately I have seen a lot of unity for really ugly things.  Such as riots and some of the crazy laws this country is putting in place.  People with only half of the information, believing lies and moving forward without thinking about the future are destroying lives.  It's a NOW generation.  Immaturity has taken over and "I want it now" is the new theme.  God's timing is not popular.  I look at the difference between the two leaders I trust and the mother and pastor who want to play God.  The ones I trust have been waiting a long time for their dreams, the promises God made them and they keep pressing in and keep believing, great examples for those under them.  The other two have both recently pushed through with a decision that I don't believe was God's will and people will be hurt.  

     Some people want everything to be good so badly they refuse to look at anything that does not line up with their false beliefs.  After generations of abuse in a family, those who say let's change it are labeled as controlling troublemakers.  People who feel like they have been controlled all their lives will often make poor choices just to be in control or feel like they are in control.  The unity needs to be in following Jesus and healing the brokenness.
     Yesterday my mother and sister supported my niece in having custody of her two year old baby.  My niece has done nothing to change her behavior.  They believe because she has been clean of all drugs, except pot, for two months she is a suitable parent.  They aren't even considering all the physical abuse and neglect that has already taken place and been admitted.  All they are concerned about is that my daughter and I who have been caring for the child for 10 months, do not have control.  Was I surprised?  No.  I saw it coming.  They were both abusive and are reacting from their own wounds.  They don't have the courage to admit there is a serious problem or the courage to change things.  My mother stayed friends with one of my abusers, even placing his picture on her fridge.  When I asked how she could do that and expect me to visit with that picture hanging there, she replied, "It's just too uncomfortable to end the friendship."  Oh she took the picture down, but the damage has been done.  She never even thought about what she was doing.  She has exposed us to our abusers repeatedly and when confronted about her behavior her response is "I'm tired of you blaming me."
     So yesterday while I was not surprised by her behavior, my daughter was crushed.  This baby was returned without any conversation about her likes and dislikes, or having anything familiar around her.  She is waking up in a strange place, with strange people, except for her mother who she hadn't seen in 2 months.  She has none of her toys, her comforts, her blankets, nothing.  Another abandonment, rejected child, but that is what we raise in our family.  If I say anything to them, all they do is point out my mistakes instead of uniting to fix the family.  All the progress made in 10 months is thrown out the window.
      My daughters comment last night said it all.  When they cut the trees down in my mother's backyard after years of them standing tall, she cried for days.  She hates change.  Yet she has no feelings for what a two year old baby is going through being jerked from everything she knows and thrown into a dangerous situation.  She is believing the lies of the enemy.  Why can't we all just get along and pretend everything is okay?  I;m tired of living in the lie.  My kids are shocked to find out who their grandmother really is.  I have mostly accepted it.
     When we demand things go our way, instead of what is right in the Father's eyes, things go wrong and people get hurt.  Then in our brokenness, we blame God when we weren't listening to Him and waiting on His timing.  We wanted my niece to have her baby back too, but only after getting help for the abuse and neglect.  Now, our family is permanently divided.  I have forgiven my mother and my sister, but I will never unite with anyone who allows abuse.  The behavior hasn't changed in over 40 years.  God wants us to put others before ourselves.  I have to answer to God.  If you care more about some stupid old trees than your own great grandchild's safety, you are broken.  Unite with God and you will be healed.  Too many people choose to stay in their brokenness, because it is familiar and familiarity is a false comfort sent by the enemy to keep us stuck.  Nothing changes until you change something.  Truth hurts before it heals.


Exodus 34:6-7New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God,compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and [a]truth;7 who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”