Unforgiveness is making a god out of something or someone else, other than God. Unforgiveness effectively renders the cross of Christ of no effect and God's power in our life of no effect. When you make a god out of a transgression or a transgressor, it's idolatry. - Tom Sterbens
It has been exactly five months since I wrote here. My brain is so full, I can't sort my thoughts, so I asked Jesus, "Just give me a word to get me started?" "Delible" Honestly, I don't know if I have ever heard this word. Was that you God? I look it up and I laugh, "Capable of being deleted". That's God. Just write, it doesn't matter what, because any or all of it can be deleted.
In these last months there have been crazy times with Jesus, but two particular scenes come to mind because they have happened, the most often. One I am standing off to the side and behind Him. I am tugging at His sleeve, because I have questions. My brain is so full only He can sort this mess out. Hey, hey God, hello? then He turns around to see me there. He is wearing a huge, very patient smile, "Yes, Kayleen?" Then it happens, I can't form words with my mouth, or even in my head. Nothing comes out. All I can do is stare. He turns away and soon I am tugging at that sleeve again, no closer to forming a question, yet somehow finding at least some comfort in knowing that He continues to turn and inquire every time I tug.
The other scene is less about being overwhelmed and more about pain. In this scene He is huge and I am about eye level with his knee. He sits on that huge throne as I stand next to His bare foot, arms crossed and my back turned to Him. He has invited me to sit on His lap, but I have refused. This time the comfort comes in His bumping against me with his foot. Though I act like it doesn't affect me, it actually draws out a deeper desire to crawl up into that lap and disappear.
There have been many other moments, like screaming His name and when He didn't answer to God, I screamed Jesus. When I still didn't feel any relief I went back to screaming God. That story later, because right now I feel the need to balance this with the times He just sat next to me and the picture of me in the womb when Jesus moved in to become the amniotic sac around me. The day I looked in the mirror and said, I don't even recognize me in the mirror and He said, You don't recognize yourself in my eyes either." We have been to hell and back a few times over the last five months and I am about to break it down. Somehow I believe that through each of the next few writings I will find answers I have been searching for my whole life. I have looked everywhere, from bottles to men, from working to writing and the only time I felt like I was getting somewhere was the two times I went back to the womb. This fight started there in the womb, when only Satan and God knew I existed.
The pain inside informs us, it misinforms us of our worth. - Tom Sterbens
