Unity? In what?

“Has it ever occurred to you that one hundred pianos all tuned to the same fork are automatically tuned to each other? They are of one accord by being tuned, not to each other, but to another standard to which each one must individually bow. So one hundred worshipers met together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be, were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship.”
― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

     I hear so many people crying out for unity, but only one of those made sense to me.  A mother wanting unity in her family, a pastor demanding unity in the Church and a ministry school leader also wanting unity in the family of God.  The School leader was the only one who made sense and gave me hope, because what he was basically saying is if we are all looking up we will all be one unit following God, even when we don't agree.  

     The problem with the other two is that they want others to agree with them.  They want to play God.  Why can't you see it my way?  If you disagree with me, shut up about it.  There are very few respectable authority figures in this day.  I am blessed to have two in my life who I can trust after years of being betrayed by authority figures.  Why do I trust these two?  Because they do not depend on themselves, they truly depend on God for all the answers and they hear Him.  They are humble and admit when they have made a mistake or even when they thought they heard from the Lord and realized it wasn't Him.  They don't have Him in a little box with "Open in case of emergency" stamped on the side.  He lives in them and they live for Him.  

     Lately I have seen a lot of unity for really ugly things.  Such as riots and some of the crazy laws this country is putting in place.  People with only half of the information, believing lies and moving forward without thinking about the future are destroying lives.  It's a NOW generation.  Immaturity has taken over and "I want it now" is the new theme.  God's timing is not popular.  I look at the difference between the two leaders I trust and the mother and pastor who want to play God.  The ones I trust have been waiting a long time for their dreams, the promises God made them and they keep pressing in and keep believing, great examples for those under them.  The other two have both recently pushed through with a decision that I don't believe was God's will and people will be hurt.  

     Some people want everything to be good so badly they refuse to look at anything that does not line up with their false beliefs.  After generations of abuse in a family, those who say let's change it are labeled as controlling troublemakers.  People who feel like they have been controlled all their lives will often make poor choices just to be in control or feel like they are in control.  The unity needs to be in following Jesus and healing the brokenness.
     Yesterday my mother and sister supported my niece in having custody of her two year old baby.  My niece has done nothing to change her behavior.  They believe because she has been clean of all drugs, except pot, for two months she is a suitable parent.  They aren't even considering all the physical abuse and neglect that has already taken place and been admitted.  All they are concerned about is that my daughter and I who have been caring for the child for 10 months, do not have control.  Was I surprised?  No.  I saw it coming.  They were both abusive and are reacting from their own wounds.  They don't have the courage to admit there is a serious problem or the courage to change things.  My mother stayed friends with one of my abusers, even placing his picture on her fridge.  When I asked how she could do that and expect me to visit with that picture hanging there, she replied, "It's just too uncomfortable to end the friendship."  Oh she took the picture down, but the damage has been done.  She never even thought about what she was doing.  She has exposed us to our abusers repeatedly and when confronted about her behavior her response is "I'm tired of you blaming me."
     So yesterday while I was not surprised by her behavior, my daughter was crushed.  This baby was returned without any conversation about her likes and dislikes, or having anything familiar around her.  She is waking up in a strange place, with strange people, except for her mother who she hadn't seen in 2 months.  She has none of her toys, her comforts, her blankets, nothing.  Another abandonment, rejected child, but that is what we raise in our family.  If I say anything to them, all they do is point out my mistakes instead of uniting to fix the family.  All the progress made in 10 months is thrown out the window.
      My daughters comment last night said it all.  When they cut the trees down in my mother's backyard after years of them standing tall, she cried for days.  She hates change.  Yet she has no feelings for what a two year old baby is going through being jerked from everything she knows and thrown into a dangerous situation.  She is believing the lies of the enemy.  Why can't we all just get along and pretend everything is okay?  I;m tired of living in the lie.  My kids are shocked to find out who their grandmother really is.  I have mostly accepted it.
     When we demand things go our way, instead of what is right in the Father's eyes, things go wrong and people get hurt.  Then in our brokenness, we blame God when we weren't listening to Him and waiting on His timing.  We wanted my niece to have her baby back too, but only after getting help for the abuse and neglect.  Now, our family is permanently divided.  I have forgiven my mother and my sister, but I will never unite with anyone who allows abuse.  The behavior hasn't changed in over 40 years.  God wants us to put others before ourselves.  I have to answer to God.  If you care more about some stupid old trees than your own great grandchild's safety, you are broken.  Unite with God and you will be healed.  Too many people choose to stay in their brokenness, because it is familiar and familiarity is a false comfort sent by the enemy to keep us stuck.  Nothing changes until you change something.  Truth hurts before it heals.


Exodus 34:6-7New American Standard Bible (NASB)

6 Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God,compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and [a]truth;7 who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

Broadsided

“The ultimate difference between God's wisdom and man's wisdom is how they relate to the glory of God's grace in Christ crucified. God's wisdom makes the glory of God's grace our supreme treasure. But man's wisdom delights in seeing himself as resourceful, self-sufficient, self determining, and not utterly dependent on God's free grace.”
― John Piper, Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God

     Weird few days I have had.  I was receiving puzzle pieces without realizing they were actual pieces that belonged to a much larger picture.  I began to realize it two nights ago when I was broadsided by a buck.  Over the last several weeks I have had a variety of animals run across the road in front of my car, but most didn't require any action, I just noted them.  There was a deer standing in the ditch, a black squirrel crossed in front of me, an almost black deer and the same dog twice.  Now the dog was a little different, because it was in my lane running toward me and I did have to brake for that.  I took note of all of it, mentioned it to a friend and tucked it away.

     Driving home night before last, the Lord struck up a conversation with me.  He reminded me of a curse He says I have placed on my relationships.  I have always said, they only last two years.  I have been saying this for almost 30 years and it is true.  The Lord pointed out that most of my closest friends, I met two years ago and it's time to break the curse.  Being me, I argued.  I explained to God that the curse only applied to "boyfriends" and "husbands" and some of them lasted longer.  I also explained the curse did not apply to my friendships.  He immediately pointed out a friendship with a male that had exploded after two years and no matter how we tried, we could not get it back.  I told Him, I didn't care about that one and was fine with it ending.  By this time of course I am in tears and don't want to talk about it.  Sometimes He gets very persistent.  I guess if He ever yelled, it seemed He was doing so by this time.  He was insisting, "Break the curse!" and that was all He would say, over and over as I said, "I am not ready." over and over.  

     As the intensity increased, He said, "You are limiting what I can do for you."  My response, "I don't care.  I don't want the friendship and I am not ready to break the curse."  Out of no where I saw the head of a buck with a full set of antlers and I realized he was about to hit me.  I cringed as he plowed into the side of my car with a loud bang.  I never slowed down, I never looked back, I just kept driving, me and God in silence.  After a mile or so, I noticed my driver door mirror was completely gone.  The Lord said, "Are you done looking back at the way things were?  Break the curse."  I did.  I whispered the words He needed to release me from the curse I placed on my life.  I turned around and drove back to where I thought it had happened and there was no trace of the deer or the mirror.  Okay God, do what you will.  

     That night when I finally got home, I listened to two different sermons on my laptop.  Then my laptop broke.  I held the piece in my hand where I would actually plug in the cord to charge it.  Nice.  Thank you Jesus.  It was only 8:30 when I shut it down and went to sleep.  The Lord spoke to me about avoiding conversation with Him.  He said I used my laptop to avoid Him.  He didn't want me listening to a sermon if I could be talking to Him.  I really didn't feel like it.  As I told Him, I have given everything I own away for You God and all I have is a car and a laptop and this is not a good day.  He said, "I can take those too."  Some people would say, God doesn't talk to people like that, but to say that is limiting Him as much as having a curse on your life.  To say that you know how God talks to each person, how He operates, is to say you don't need Him, because you already know everything..  I got that from one of the sermons I listened to instead of talking to God.

     That night I had three dreams.  One I don't remember.  One was about me talking to a friend about repairing my laptop.  That could either show i am obsessed with it, or what I believe it was confirming what God had said, because in my dream, my friend kept saying, "How am I supposed to work on it when you are on it all the time?"  Yes, God, I hear You.  The third dream was so strange, I put it away, believing it possibly was not from God or if it was, He would let me know what it meant when He was ready.  

      Yesterday was uneventful, though I had several conversations, wondering what the whole message was with the broadsiding buck. Today was a day of revelation.  I dreamt last night I was in a room full of people all claiming to be prophets.  I told them I was not concerned with a title, I only wanted to hear the Lord and obey.  Then one of the men went into a lengthy explanation about how important it is, and what an honor it is when the Lord appoints you to a position.  I was humbled in that dream.  In the next I was holding a gun and trying to figure out where to aim it to shoot.  It had to be where no one would be hurt, and where it would be the most effective.  Weird.  

     I was babysitting today when I began to watch a sermon and the preacher said, "What if they weren't sent to do good in your life, but to grow you through adversity?"  Suddenly,the deer made sense.  We think of a deer as a beautiful, peaceful creature.  Most times it would be pleasant to see one.  But this buck brought a lesson.  Then the Lord said, about the friend I was okay with losing, "What if a friendship was not the purpose as much as the growth you have received from losing the friendship?  Yeah, I was like huh?

     He explained it like this.  A religious leader, the high priest, trying to follow God's rules, you would think would be happy to meet Jesus.  In my pea brain, that made sense.  But Jesus knew what the high priest was going to do - have Him crucified.  Jesus had to be crucified to fulfill His purpose on earth.  Jesus knew what the outcome of my friendship was going to be.  Did He want to see the hurt and pain?  No, but He knew I had to have those parts of my flesh crucified to fulfill my purpose.  All scars have purpose.  Jesus' scars saved God's people and our scars are meant to save people too.  We could not fulfill our purpose without being crucified.  Well, at least to our flesh.

     How did all that come from the broadsiding buck?  He was my friend.  A good creature who was probably running for his life.  For a deer to run into the side of a car, he had to be running from something.  Trust me, as hard as he hit,  denting up not easily dented places on the door and all the hair I found even around the key hole, he was moving.  Did he mean to run into my car?  i doubt that very much.  The timing was just right, there had to be a lesson in it.  So, he hit so hard, it changed the way I see the things around me, especially behind me.   

     So we dissect the dreams.  What is a modern day prophet's responsibility?  If you know, then you don't need God.  To say that prophet's no longer warn people of things to come, or behavior changes that need to be made, is to say you know God's plan and so you don't need Him.  I got that from the sermon.  If we know what worship is, praise is, grace, how healing is to take place, etc then you don't need God.  If He did everything the same every time, we would worship the process, instead of Him.  It's just like these healing oils people are using, if you have the right combination to heal everything, then you don't need God.  If it works the same way every time, you end up worshiping the oils not the true healer.

     The dream about the gun was the power held in our hand when we hold the word of God.  We have to use care and revelation to know where to aim it and where not to aim it.  The third dream, that was really weird to me was about planning a murder.  You can see why I didn't really want to share that.  I didn't know who the man was or why we were planning this, but in the end God explained "Slander is murder"  and in the end of the dream, we decided not to do it.  He looked too happy!  It was weird, but I got the point.  Authority comes with power, but just because a person has power does not mean they have authority.   

     I guess if I had to simplify the lesson, I would say God does not want us to limit Him.  He wants full submission.  We limit Him through curses, beliefs, unforgiveness and basically siding with the enemy.  If we are not giving God the authority in an area of our life, then guess who gets it?  Yep, and with my help he has destroyed a lot of relationships in my life.

“God’s revelation does not need the light of human genius, the polish and strength of human culture, the brilliancy of human thought, the force of human brains to adorn or enforce it; but it does demand the simplicity, the docility, humility, and faith of a child’s heart.”
― E.M. Bounds, Power Through Prayer

Watchman

“If I look at the mass I will never act.”
― Mother Teresa
     
     Some days I wake in the morning in tears for someone.  I did today and a friend text me encouragement, because the Lord spoke to her.  "I get it." is still a powerful statement in my world.  I pray one person hears "I get it" when they read my ramblings.
     Some days I feel like I am watching a line of Holocaust victims unknowingly walking toward their death.  I can scream at them to run, they are going to die anyway.  Why not take a chance on life, on God.  But they look at me and they see a Nazi uniform, because that is the way they see Christians.  We judge, we condemn, we think we are better than.  That's what they see.  That's what they believe.  Religion with all it's rules and judgments.  I am not one of them.  I don't want to be one of them.  I want to be the believer that Jesus asks us to be.  I want them to see Him, not a religious uniform.  God help me.
 
 
     We come to You and ask for forgiveness of our sins and You exchange it for Your grace and mercy, You smash our sins with the cross, but Lord I am here today to say I am sorry for the lost sheep I walked past, in too much of a hurry to hear Your voice.  I am sorry for every mouth that is dying for food that I have not fed.  Forgive me for all the prayers I sent to You for my comfort when so many of Yours are in deep pain.  Lord forgive me.  Forgive me for not hearing You when You speak of blessing others but I am stuck in my own circumstances.  Forgive me for thinking of speaking to millions when all You ask is that I reach that one, just that one broken heart that You weep for.  Lord forgive me for the nights I was too tired to say a prayer of protection over Your child, the mornings You woke me before dawn and I grumbled and went back to sleep when You just wanted to talk with me.  Lord forgive me, forgive me for not healing the sick, casting out the demons and weeping with those who weep and grieving for the souls of Your babies who are wandering in the darkness.  Forgive me for glorifying my works, for glorifying my name instead of Yours.  Forgive me for ever tear I cried over needless things while Your children cry for just one hand, one hand to reach out and take theirs.  Forgive me for holding onto bitterness against Your child who has done nothing compared to the wretched things I have done, for holding others in contempt for committing the very sin You forgave me for.  Forgive me for throwing the word grace around until it has no meaning left in it, for holding back mercy, forgiveness, and love.  Forgive me for judging those who live in the same pits I live in, under the same cloud of doubt that follows me and who choose the darkness I retreat to at times.  I am nothing, I am weak, I hurt, for those I have harmed, for those You weep for.  Lord show me, show me who You want me to be, no matter how it hurts.  Show me those You would send me to and stretch me until I see this world through Your eyes.  I ask that the blessings I receive are not because I asked for them, the mercy You grant me is not because I beg for it, and the grace You give never loses it's meaning in my eyes.  Lord never allow me to grow numb to Your heart.  Never allow me to quench the fire that burns in my belly, to shallow Your word, or be free of the pain that drives me to my knees.  Lord forgive me.  Your babies are dying and I don't want to stand here and watch them walk by.  Give me your words, Your wisdom, revelation to accomplish everything You have designed me to do.  Don't allow me to waste a minute of this life You gave me for Your purpose.  Never, never Lord, allow me to take the credit for that which You do through me.  Blessed is Your name, perfect is Your plan, stop me Lord if I ever get in Your way. 

 

Acts 5:20
“Go, stand and speak to the people in the temple the whole message of this Life.”

Ministry Rules?

“My job as a Christian is not to get people to heaven when they die, it's to get heaven to people while they're alive”
― D.R. Silva

     Too many times we measure our ministry by the applause we receive from some clever quip we recite. But if you think back to the times a speaker busted a chain loose that had held your heart in bondage for a life time, there was no applause. There was a moment, probably unexpected when a raw word was spoken and immediately out of no where a lump took form in your throat and your eyes became wet with tears as the chain fell. It was followed by a sigh and a starry eyed, gaze of freedom. 
     Putting any rules to ministry is putting limits on the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes we are called to step out of the man made safety guardrails and step out onto a road of risky ministry.  There is a rule I have always believed in that the Lord is telling me is not His rule.  Men minister to men and women minister to women.  This is not always the case.  What about Jesus and the woman at the well.  He was not supposed to be talking to her, according to man made rules, but He did and He spoke truth and He set her free.  Now you could argue that it was Jesus and he did not sin, so obviously there was no threat of lust, but He was in a man's body.  No excuses.  Aren't we supposed to behave like Him.   
     In Matthew 8 Jesus tells the adulterous woman to go and sin no more.  He didn't use the word "unless" in any of his statements.  He didn't say, Go and sin no more unless you are a man who has a problem with lust, because Hey you're a guy and guys can't help it.  He did not tell the woman "unless" you meet the right man, then go ahead and sleep with him before you wed.  He didn't say, Go and sin no more, unless you are a gossip and you are requesting prayer so you can tell so and so what what's her name did.  He said, "Go and sin no more."  He would not tell us to do something that is impossible.  He didn't ask to hear her excuses. 
     As in any ministry, I believe we go when we are called.  We may be able or familiar with an issue a person is having trouble with, but we may not be the one He has called to deal with it.  I have seen most times the minister receives as much as the one being ministered to and I would hate to take someone's lesson or blessing.  I also believe there are precautions.  You may want to check for confirmation from God if you think He is telling you to go get a drunk out of the bar and your last relapse was yesterday.  But who knows, he might, cause He is wiser than me.  He probably won't call you to minister to the opposite sex if you are having a problem yet with porn, lust or perversion, but who knows?  God doesn't always make sense by our earthly wisdom.
     When I reached out for Christ, He sent a man.  I questioned many times why.  But He limited our conversation to email, mostly.  We rarely saw each other in person, except for at church.  He was the pastor so it didn't leave a lot of time for failure.  Because the pastor had an affair years earlier and I had made the same mistake, it did not make sense that God would send him to help me out of the pit, but He did.  There were many who said it should not be, but we both knew it was God.
     One morning the Lord told me to email him.  We emailed almost every day, so I had to ask what He wanted me to say.  When I sat down at the computer the Lord told me to apologize.  For what?  For my affairs.  For destroying married men's lives.  Then He had me apologize for hurting their wives.  I was crying my eyes out the whole time I was writing the email.  When the pastor read the email, he did the same.  The woman he had been with years ago, never took responsibility for her part or apologized to him or his wife, for what she had done.  I have to say here that he had apologized to her and her husband.  There was tremendous healing for both of us that day and there were many other times that we ministered to each other in ways that could not have happened between people of the same gender.
     Many times our deepest wounds are from the opposite sex and we need the opposite sex to set us free.  If we hold bitterness for what someone did to us, we often times will find ourselves repeating the sin toward someone else.  For instance, bitterness held for his mistress not taking responsibility for her part, can cause him to refuse to take responsibility for hurt he has caused without realizing it.  What ever demons torment us from the outside can move inside if we don't forgive.  What ever was done to us, we can end up doing to others if we don't heal the wound.  Abused kids, often grow up to abuse.  Children of alcoholics become alcoholics.  You are forgiven and set free as much as you forgive and release others. 
     There is high value in having friends of the same gender and it can be freeing, but sometimes a wound caused by man needs to be healed through a man and a wound caused by a woman, needs to be healed through a woman, no matter what gender we are.
 

“No life is messier than one in ministry”
― Jerry B. Jenkins

Pitching another Fit?

“Remember He is the artist and you are only the picture. You can't see it. So quietly submit to be painted---i.e., keep fulfilling all the obvious duties of your station (you really know quite well enough what they are!), asking forgiveness for each failure and then leaving it alone.You are in the right way. Walk---don't keep on looking at it.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis, Volume lll: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963
 
      I really need for the Church to be different than the world, if I am ever going to learn to trust.  It is so easy for me to see that the enemy is working against me.  God has put me on a project - getting my story done.  That's why I am writing here, because I can't write there.  The enemy is beating me up for telling my story in the first place.  I can't count how many times I wanted it back.
     The attacks from telling my story didn't even come from the direction I expected.  I was ducking behind a huge rock that stood between me and those who I assumed would attack, but no shots were fired... from that direction anyway.  The most damaging shot hit me in the back, one right through the heart and then an other to the back of the head.  There were other cuts and bruises, but nothing major. 
     My past was used against me when a woman in the church assumed I introduced her husband to a friend of mine.  Apparently when I told my story, she left the building before I got to the part where I changed.  I didn't fix them up and I didn't support their affair.  My heart was for this woman's children.  Who told me this?  The pastor and he said I needed to fix it.  ME?  I don't even know this woman.  How did this become my responsibility?  So, my head is healed, but the scar is still there to remind me what can happen when you allow people into your business. 
     The wound to the heart is beyond explanation.  I have never been so honest with anyone and yet this man chooses to believe I am a liar.  Three years are totally erased.  They meant nothing, because now I see he only wanted to conquer my obstacle course to be the hero, the number one, the pat myself on the back for a job well done guy.  Though because I would not agree with him on every little thing, I am listening to the devil.  Hmm.  I find it humorous that the one person who stands behind me in exposing those who abused me, is the one who wants to approve of what I say about him in my story.  I guess we both need to trust God. 
     Every time I try to work on it, all these memories come flooding back to me and I want to move away from here.  As I argue with God, I bring up my kids.  What will they go through, because really, they are all that matters.  My kids and grandkids are really the only ones I can't live without.  Then God said, "What if I ask you to give them up for me?"  Really?  Well, of course, because out of your will is not where I ever want to be.  The Lord told me my kids salvation should come second to Him.  WHAT? 
     I know God has my kids, but when you have treated them badly for their whole lives and you finally start building a healthy and meaningful relationship and then God says, "Take 'em to the hill and sacrifice" it's a little unsettling to say the least.  Some days I come to God like a small child... pitching a huge fit.  Why do I have to obey, sacrifice, walk away, forgive, etc. etc. and others get to lie, steal and hurt people?  Especially those who claim to be Christians, pastors, friends of Christ.  My dad always made us pick up the toys at our friends house even if none of the other kids were made to help.  AND do it without grumbling.  Argh!
     I can see the positive in finishing my story and sharing it, but I know there will be some haters.  I now realize those haters might be people I call friend at this time in my life.  Nothing matters but Jesus.  Nothing matters, but Jesus.  Absolutely nothing matters to me, but being in His will and obeying Him... even if it hurts like hell.


“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.”
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

The Obstacle Course

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
― George MacDonald



      I saw a little girl passing out trust like it was candy.  Why shouldn't she?  We are supposed to trust certain people and we should be able to trust everyone.  So as she danced around in her little dress, knowing that she is beautiful, it happened, one of the first trusts she handed out was shattered and spit back in her face like a lemon drop bullet shot straight from the puckered face of someone she thought she knew.  It happened again and again.  After that, it wasn't as easy to pass out candied trust without flinching.  What do you do?
     You build a big round fence, you disguise the gate and most importantly, you lock it.  You position yourself in the center, furthest from the reach of those who  approach your fence and ask to come in, to get closer, to actually know you.  You immediately go to work building an obstacle course that will have to be conquered before they can even stand near you.  And you make that obstacle course nearly impossible to conquer because... you will not be fooled again.  I am a professional and I can help you!
     No two obstacle courses are exactly the same.  The course is designed uniquely for the person running it.  First, the course is unique to the abused who is designing it.  The difficulty depends on the abuse, the amount of healing, the willingness and a knowledge of God.  Second, the course is designed according to the person who will be running it, like how we met, your position in the world (though titles mean nothing), what history I know of you and possibly, positive words from a mutual friend, though they don't count as much as most would think.  Even gender, age and what you drive can play a role.  Third, discernment has a lot to do with the initial decision to even design a course and give a person the opportunity to run through it and stays "tuned in" through out the course.  Fourth, the complexity of the course can be largely affected by the last person to run it.  (Don't point out this is not fair, because none of it is fair)
     Many will think they want to run the course until they get a look at it.  It is difficult enough, but when they hear the time it takes to run the course cannot be too long or to short, they may be asked to repeat the same act over and over again until we are sure it was actually accomplished perfectly or they could be kicked out at any time, no matter how much time they dedicated, they may decide to run away.  Did you smile when you should frown, cry when you should have laughed or did you actually sigh deeply some time during the course that gave the impression you were not pleased to be running it?  All reasons to rerun or be booted.
     Through healing, the wall of shame may be lowered, as well as the hurdles of loyalty, peace, and truth.  Through healing the rope swinging over the mud pit of lies, could decrease in diameter enough that a person could actually wrap their hands around it. 
     It all sounds ridiculous.  But we have to.  We have to know the truth of who you are.  What's the reward?  I have met several abused people who have no healing and can be vicious, but most of that is show.  I believe, by what I have seen in these people, at the end of that course, (which you may be called back periodically to run portions of ) there is the most loyal, loving, honest, person who would absolutely without thinking lay down their life for anyone who would actually spend the blood, sweat and tears on their course.   
     What happens when a person gets to the end of the obstacle course?  There is a celebration, but not what you would expect.  There is always the fear something was missed, though the runner does get the loyalty, the love, the devotion and honesty they have earned by running such a difficult course. We say little, because we don't want a runner to get a big head and think we can't live with out them.  We have proven time and time again we can live without anyone.
     I have a few runners, running their individual courses.  I have a couple who are so close to crossing the finish line that I hardly keep an eye on them.  But what happens when one, the first one, way out in front of everyone else, gets to the end and drives a spear right through your heart?  Shock.  I have to wonder why they even ran the course.  There can only be one thing that would drive a person to run such a difficult course and turn on you in the end.  Selfish gain.  Who would spend that much time and effort only to look you in the eye and say "You are not worth it."  Somebody who is broken?  Someone who can't handle loyalty, love, or even truth. 
     When you invest time and effort building a course, judging the progress and healing, letting down walls, lowering hurdles and changing out ropes, just to be crushed when the runner crosses the finish line and walks away, like conquering your course was the only goal, one thing happens: everyone is ushered out of your fenced area, EVERYONE.  It's like a bomb threat or a fire, "Everybody get out of my fence and get out now!!"
     Inside your fence looks like an abandoned carnival.  Wrappers blowing across the ground, hurdles left knocked over and heavy frayed ropes barely moving in the breeze.  Most of the people don't even stick around the fence, they wander off to see what's going on elsewhere.  The few who were almost finished with their courses wait outside the gate, knowing this has happened before and maybe, like last time the gate will swing open again. 
     You look around and you think about what it would take to increase the height of the walls, build bigger hurdles and change out the ropes, but then you slump down on an old bench and ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"  The scream from the pain is still drowning out most of your thoughts, even though you never let it escape your mouth.  The shock of realizing somebody got by your discernment convinces you to buy a stronger lock for the gate.  You refuse to look up at those who still linger outside of that gate.
     Something catches your attention.  Outside the gate, first in line to come back in and start over if He is allowed, is a man in a bright white robe and He is weeping.  No matter how you want to, you don't jump up and run to open the gate.   You just sit there.  You wonder how exactly He got shuffled out with the rest.  It doesn't seem fair to ask Him to run the course, but He is the most willing.  He will run it a thousand times, while smiling. 
     Suddenly you are standing at the starting line of your own obstacle course and He stands next to you.  He apologizes for the hurt your brother caused.  Then He not only walks through the course in his perfect timing, but He carries you.  He busts down the wall of shame as much as you will allow Him.  He steps over hurdles and walks on top of the mud pit of lies, carrying you every step of the way.  Jesus smiles as He speaks in a familiar, soft, and gentle voice...

    
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity     

Really? Babies? Yes!

“Every source of blessing is a point of attack.”
― David McGee

   Some may say, "Now that's going too far."  Is the spirit of Jezebel sacrificing unborn babies?  How many abortions were already performed today?  But could a spirit really attack the unborn babies of Christians?  I would guess it is more difficult for the enemy to get to a believer's unborn, but if there is demonic influence in a church it increases his chances. 
     Are we praying for and blessing pregnancies or are we assuming they are protected because we are believers?  A baby is born a sinner, right?  Babies are often attacked at conception and/or in the womb.  Especially if there is a chance a child will be born into and raised by believers, there is a much larger target on them. 
     A church under the spirit of Jezebel or control has many open doors for the enemy.  The enemy may see a Christian pregnancy as a threat.  What if that baby is the next Billy Graham?  What if a prophet is being formed?  There are a couple stories in the bible of many children being killed and one was in hopes of taking out Jesus the Messiah.  Moses escaped another.  Why wouldn't the same enemy today attack those in a church?
     Jezebel worshipped Baal.

Jeremiah 19:4-6New American Standard Bible (NASB)
⁴ Because they have forsaken Me and have made this an alien place and have burned ^[a]sacrifices in it to other gods, that neither they nor their forefathers nor the kings of Judah had ever known, and because they have filled this place with the blood of the innocent ⁵ and have built the high places of Baal to burn their sons in the fire as burnt offerings to Baal, a thing which I never commanded or spoke of, nor did it ever enter My ^[b]mind; ⁶ therefore, behold, days are coming,” declares the Lord, “when this place will no longer be called Topheth or the valley of Ben-hinnom, but rather the valley of Slaughter.

 
     We should focus on God and not what the enemy is doing, but if we have the authority to kick a spirit such as Jezebel out of the Church, that is exactly what we have been given authority to do.  If the Lord did not want us to address the schemes of the enemy He would not have given us the authority to do so.  Now, I must say if you suspect a spirit of Jezebel in a church, I have heard only the pastor has authority to remove it.  I do not know this for sure, but I do believe it is true.  If the pastor has the spirit on him/her and/or refuses to see or address the spirit, then my only advice is to pack up your Bible and get out of there. 
     We have to ask God where He wants us going to church.  We have to ask Him occasionally if He still wants us where we are.  Being a believer is not always comfortable, in fact comfortable can be a sign we are in the wrong place.  Following Jesus requires much and it stretches us.  He wants us growing, not stuck in infancy.  Also remember, Jezebel does not only attack human babies or children, but spiritual babies are a huge target. 


“Christians have no business playing around with ideas of the devil as a fun-loving, beer-swigging guy who just wants you to have a good time.”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ 

What if?

“Our failure to hear His voice when we want to is due to the fact that we do not in general want to hear it, that we want it only when we think we need it.”
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God


      I am in awe of how far God will go to communicate with us.  He has the whole world at His disposal and is willing to use it to speak to us.  We need only to pay attention and be willing to hear the answer.
     Yesterday, I had a friend call and ask if I wanted to give my day to Jesus with her.  I did.  I needed it.  I went to her house and we talked awhile, catching up and sharing what God is doing in our lives and then we set out to follow Jesus.  He first led us to a coffee shop and asked us to speak to a man who was having high anxiety, and his life was about to change.  We gave him the words God had given us for him and prayed with him.  One thing that stood out to me was that we went there only to talk to him.  We didn't even get a coffee.  He had to have seen this and known that Jesus sent us there just for him.  We didn't just pick someone out of the crowd, the Lord took us to him. 
     Next we were led to speak to a young man walking.  My friend was overwhelmed with the love Jesus had for this guy and he welled up with tears when she told him.  His heart was broken.  His significant other had left him and taken their daughter.  He was so open to our prayers for him.  It was amazing to see God use us as we were willing. 
     We sat in the car talking and praying about where Jesus wanted us to go next when we became engaged in a conversation about how many people are against women teaching or ministering to men.  We both struggle with this old religious rule.  Then we realized, when we both submitted and followed Jesus that day the first two people He took us to were men.  We had a good laugh.  He had answered our question before we asked Him.  He will answer if we are willing to pay attention and hear.
     I had a friend recently meet me for a late night snack.  We were leaving from the same place and meeting at a restaurant.  Even though we took different routes I was surprised by how long she was delayed.  She told me she had sat through three cycles of lights at the intersection and her left hand turn light never went green.  She was asking the Lord what He wanted.  She prayed for people around her, she moved her car forward and back to trigger the light, but nothing worked.  Finally after the third cycle it turned green and she went on her way.  Later in the conversation she asked me if I had heard a new song about Him waiting on us.  I couldn't help it.  I had to laugh.  I asked her if God had asked her to do something lately she was putting off and she confessed she was to write a letter but she was struggling.  I could clearly see the Lord was talking.  I have your journey stopped until you do what I have asked.  We won't even get into the left hand turn.  She realized the Lord was trying to get her attention. 
     I can see where some people who like to box up God can't imagine that He would talk to us in these ways.  Of course if it's not in scripture??    Maybe she should have waited at the light for a burning bush or for God to push her out of her car and strike her with blindness.  Maybe a donkey talking or an angel appearing would have been easier to believe. 
     I drove home one night asking God how to do something I felt He was asking me to do.  I saw two huge male deer standing in the opposite lane unshaken by the fact a car was driving by.  They both had a huge set of antlers and I found it odd just the two of them were standing there in the night watching me drive by.  Then I heard the Lord say He was sending someone to walk through it with me.  I saw by the appearance of the deer we have the same strengths and weaknesses.  Maybe it would have been clearer with donkeys?  Scripture, scripture.  It's funny how closely some want to follow scripture when they don't believe something and how loose they can be with it to twist it to what they want to convince us of.
     It is much easier to see when it's someone else at times, like my friend stopped at the light.  Sometimes it's by choice.  People choose not to see.  So what if there was a pastor who the Lord wanted to speak to and was not listening?  Let's just say he listened in the areas he wanted answers, but was not open to anything outside of that.  What if the enemy was totally influencing his ministry, but he refused to listen to the messages sent by God.  What if people who don't usually see the demonic, were wondering what they saw in his church.  What if the Lord placed a frog in his church and it croaked through every service?  Would he even recognize the message?  Then let's say when he paid no attention to the frog, the Lord sent a rat to torment him at home?    And when he was in a country the Lord said he was not to be in, on two separate days he was attacked by a bird.  Seriously, walking outside, a bird physically attacked his head and it hurt?  If this all happened within a couple months, how many people would notice a message being sent?  If the Lord lifted His hand off of this man and demons began tormenting him in his sleep, would he pay attention?
     What if many of us don't see what the enemy is doing, because we think the signs are ridiculous?  God knocked Paul of his horse and struck him blind to get his attention.  In todays world I could see many blaming God instead of asking what He wants them to see.  Especially in this country there is such an arrogance about our churches, that we are not open to them being under attack. 

Ezekiel 3:27New American Standard Bible (NASB)

27 But when I speak to you, I will open your mouth and you will say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord [a]God.’ He who hears, let him hear; and he who refuses, let him refuse; for they are a rebellious house.
.     I am not saying that every bad thing that happens is a sign that we are doing something wrong, but how many times do we ask God and believe He is not answering, when if we opened our minds to His communication, He is shouting loudly?  The Bible warns that in the last days there will be false teachers and prophets.  How will we recognize them?  By their fruit, but we need to open our hearing so God can speak to us, too.
     If we are not open to God speaking to us and warning us in unusual ways, then we are most likely blinding ourselves to what the enemy is doing also.  We are naïve to think the Church is not under attack.  The enemy will use any door we leave open.  To think our pastors and leaders have it all under control and are doing battle on our behalf is not being responsible.  We should be protecting them through prayer.  They can't be everywhere, they can't see everything, we aren't to spend our lives drinking milk.  This is a spiritual battle.  Many churches are being ruled by blind leaders who are too full of pride to admit there may be a problem.  The spirit of religion is flowing all over, the spirit of fear and perversion and even the spirit of control, Jezebel.  How many babies have to be miscarried in a church before somebody asks, "Is Jezebel sacrificing our children?" 


Numbers 22:30New American Standard Bible (NASB)

30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden all your life to this day? Have I ever been accustomed to do so to you?” And he said, “No.”

No thanks on the Broccoli?

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.”
― C.S. Lewis,Mere Christianity


   We have to be open to hearing truth.  Last night I was praying and worshipping with a group when the Lord showed me that there are people who have been doing Christianity for so long, they have fallen asleep.  They know the bible inside and out, and they know all the right answers, but the fire has gone out.  He showed me a picture of a cartoon from when I was a child.  Then He showed me one that looked more real.  Then He reminded me of a cartoon I had watched with the grandkids recently where I was impressed by how real the water appeared.  He said, "It's still fake."   Have you ever learned a job from someone who has been doing it for years and it's second nature.  They forget to tell you why they did what they did or how it affects the future moves you will have to make.  I learn by watching and it can take several times of walking through a process if the explanation is not clear.  How many people are living in an automatic and animated bible story instead of truly being in an on fire relationship with Jesus? 
     I heard a person say recently that they have followed Jesus for so long and they know His heart so well that they don't need to check with Him on every little thing they do.  I was reminded today how dangerous this thinking is.  I have a friend who is going to another friend for some healing ministry.  We all prayed and we all heard that I wasn't called to be a part of this.  We each got a different reason, but they were all good.  In fact we were in awe of God's plan.  I know God well enough to know He wants healing for this person and I could have just stepped in, but we listened to God's plan, because it is better by far.  We can never assume we know what God wants.  We should always proceed with our ears open to hearing Him say "No".  Even if it seems obvious that we are on the right track, it may not be going in the right direction.  
     I have been asking God about pride.  Expose any area of my life where pride may be ruling.  He did.  He told me I was wrong about someone.  I asked Him for confirmation.  I assumed I had thought negatively about someone when I shouldn't, but He gave me a zebra and told me to read about them.  The first thing He highlighted was that they used to think zebras were white with black stripes, but they now believe they are black with white stripes.  This spoke loudly to me.  I was believing for something good, when the Lord had told me it was not good and was about to fall.  My pride thinking I knew better on how to pray was actually getting in the way of God's plan.  My heart may have been right, but I was not open to hear truth.
     Another thing the Lord talked to me about last night, was how to determine a counterfeit.  He has told me before through a friend the best way to spot a counterfeit is to get to know the real thing so well that you recognize a fake immediately.  Then He said, pray for exposure of Truth instead of exposure of the lies.  Lies give the enemy glory, but Truth is about Jesus and who He is.      
     The other night when the Lord spoke to me about the zebra in my life, he brought me back to the story of David and Saul. This time he focused on Saul and pride.  In the beginning he appeared to be a humble man, reminding Samuel that he was the least of the least in the tribe of Benjamin.  Maybe it was the opposition and rejection he felt from the Israelites that planted the seed of insecurity that grew into pride.  Saul was a reminder of the sin and wickedness (according to Samuel) the Israelites had committed by demanding a king.  Did he believe he had to prove himself?  Was it being rocketed from a nobody to a king and his inability to handle the power that caused the insecurity that caused the pride?  The man had a temper, he randomly threw spears.  Something that stood out to me was that he threw a spear at David while he was singing, the exact thing David was called in to do for Saul when he was tormented by a spirit, so he could sleep.  Worshipping is the highest form of warfare. 
     Another thing that stood out to me was in 1 Samuel 15:30  Samuel had informed Saul that God was taking the kingdom from him for his disobedience.  Disobedience is a sign of pride in my book, because it means I have a better idea.  Ha.  We read the stories so many times, we sleep through it.  We should always pray for the Holy Spirit to read it with us, because there is too much in there for one life time of learning and we don't want to miss a thing.  Saul had disobeyed God.  God.  The Creator of the universe.  Samuel had told Saul that it upset the Creator enough to take his kingship from him.  He regretted appointing Saul king.  Samuel went through the whole thing about rebellion being witchcraft and stubbornness being as idolatry and what was Saul's response? 

1 Samuel 15:30 (NASB)

30 Then he said, “I have sinned; but please honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel, and go back with me, that I may worship the Lord your God.”


   First of all the word "but" makes every word before it null and void. I have sinned BUT... honor me? Before the elders? Before Israel? I have let down, disobeyed, disregarded the will of my creator BUT honor me so I look good before man.  I guess it shouldn't surprise us a few chapters later when he murders priests.  Putting man's opinion of us before God's is pride. 
     Pride is choking the Church.  The Lord has shown me through fear, the enemy is using pride against God's people.  Pride separates us from each other.  Pride causes division in the Church.  I believe people sit on the fence because of pride.  Because of what man thinks.  Pastor's compromise and tickle the ears, please the congregation instead of God.   God is about to wipeout the fence.  It is time to choose.  Scripture says He will spew out of His mouth the lukewarm.  Scripture also says to confront your brother in Christ if he has fallen into sin.  I believe there are too many pastor's afraid to do this, because they want to be liked.  Discipline, calling out is part of love, but in this country of spoiled young, we don't see it that way.  You can't pick and choose which scripture to follow while  ignoring those you are uncomfortable with.  This is another form of lukewarm fence sitting.  It is all or nothing.  You are a scripture based Christ follower or you are not. 

     Years ago I went out to lunch with a group of people.  One of my friends mom was with us and she told me I had broccoli in my teeth.  I bit my fingernails so I could not get it out.  She finally leaned over and plucked it from my teeth.  Why this story now?  Because the way I see it; pride is like having broccoli in your teeth.  Everybody can see it, but you.  The only way to hide it is to keep your mouth shut or you can ask a friend to help you pluck it out.

Jesus loves you.


“Pride must die in you, or nothing of heaven can live in you.”
― Andrew Murray, Humility

Freedom

“Freedom is not something that anybody can be given. Freedom is something people take, and people are as free as they want to be”
― James Baldwin


     As I continue to examine this rage and why it has returned, I hear the Lord ask if my anger is righteous.  I believe it is.  The enemy has a plan and that plan is being enabled without any desire for truth.  I was talking with a friend the other night and she agreed, my anger is righteous anger.  The way I handled it is not. 
     We hear all the time about the love and grace and mercy of Christ, but what about the death.  What about the beating, the crown of thorns, the spit in His face?  What about the flesh hanging from His back?  Did He go through all that so I could rage at others?  No!  Because He went through that the very very least I can do is fight for the answers to finding freedom.  What is the stronghold. 
     I met a man a week ago who has an anointing to pray against the darkness of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder )  I have been diagnosed with and treated for PTSD most of my life.  I asked him to pray for me.  I believed this could be part of the problem, but when he prayed and I felt a burden lift from me, I was pretty sure this was bigger than I had thought.  He asked the Lord to fill me with peace, joy and His love.  I immediately had a hot flash and I don't believe it had anything to do with getting older.  I felt changed. 
     Later he explained to me that the spirit of PTSD will throw the others under the bus.  I have prayed against anger, fear, etc. etc., but PTSD has all these things covered.  He has prayed for many vets with PTSD and God has changed their lives.  I feel like I am back in alignment. 
     Too many people get stuck half way.  They are unwilling to stay the course.  Jesus didn't quit.  Neither should we.  There is so much more out there He has for us.  Stopping before we reach full freedom is like crossing a bridge only halfway, partially climbing a mountain and missing out on the view at the top, or stopping in the birth canal.  It can actually be dangerous.  To not pursue complete freedom is to be lukewarm.  Finding enough light to be comfortable can leave us in the darkness.  The only thing worse is knowing Him intimately and turning away. 
     The real change was recognized on the drive home.  I suddenly was overwhelmed with the desire to pray for the salvation of every person who had abused me.  I have forgiven and I have prayed blessings, but now I wanted complete freedom for each of them.  I listed them by name and prayed for their salvation and complete freedom with an urgency in my heart I had never felt before.  This is what Jesus wants for each of us and we don't want it for the people who have hurt us the deepest, then we still have work to do.  There is something in the way and it is our responsibility to figure out what that is and deal with it.  It's easy to do, just as Jesus to show you.  The hard part is being willing to hear Him.
     Never be satisfied enough to stay where you are.  There is a depth to Christ that we will never reach on earth, but to stop striving for it could be costly. 

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
― Ernest Hemingway

Son light or flourescent?

“Arrogance is someone claiming to have come to Christ, but they won't spend more than five minutes listening to your journey because they are more concerned about their own well being, rather than being a true disciple of Christ. Blessed is the person that takes the time to heal and hear another person so they can move on.”
― Shannon L. Alder


      A good friend said to me once that when trying to pass a counterfeit bill, we wouldn't use monopoly money.  The enemy's schemes are a twisted version of truth.  Counterfeit is made to look real.  How do we prevent falling for a counterfeit?  We know the real so well that we recognize fake.  Many believe the antichrist is already on the earth.  He is not going to look like we imagine Satan and his entourage to look.  Discernment is so important. 
     Imagine a man who buys Easter Lilies for his wife every year on the anniversary of the day they met.  He does this because the day they met when he handed her a fist full of Easter Lilies, her response was, "Oh my goodness.  What a wonderful surprise.  I love them."   Fifty years later as he walks into the kitchen with yet another fist full of Easter Lilies, she smiles.  He smiles back, proud that he has not missed a year.  Even the year he broke his leg, he managed to talk his friend into picking up those flowers for him.  As he puffs out his chest and leaves the room, his wife whispers to her sister, "I hate Easter Lilies.  They smell like cat urine." 
     If this is true, why did he not know?   At one time did she try to tell him and he didn't hear her?  On their first date she didn't know him well enough to say, "I hate Easter Lilies, because they smell like cat urine".  She was excited for their first date and wouldn't dream of making him feel bad.  The first few years it still touched her heart that he would put the effort in to please her, but around forty years ago, she could smell cat urine before he got out of the car.  He never asked.  He assumed that the same thing that pleased her then would please her now.  If you asked him, he would talk for several minutes about how well he knew his wife.  He didn't have to ask her what kind of flowers she wanted.  He will even boast about the time when she was very ill, even hospitalized and he surrounded her with several bouquets of Lilies.  She begged the doctor to discharge her.  The room was just too small and she was drowning in cat urine.
     I see people do this with God.  They wait on Him to speak and respond the way He did in the past.  Of course He would tell us if He wanted us to do things differently, if we listen.  Looking through the Bible how many times do we see Him respond the same way or direct His people to do things the same way. He had specific instructions for taking down the walls of Jericho.  Do we ever see an army defeat a city the same way in the Bible?  Things He might have let us get away with in the beginning of our relationship with Him, He won't approve of now.  As we grow and change, our knowledge of Him grows and changes. 
     Our behavior changes the closer we get to Him.  Where we might have told a white lie before, we wouldn't dream of it now.  Some of the areas I have changed is the movies I watch, the words I use, the music I listen to, the places I go.  I believe this should change and as I get closer to Him, I want to change these things to please Him.  Religion is about rules and that's not what I am talking about.  There are still a lot of things I need and want to change, but sometimes I have to ask myself, would I be doing or saying this if Jesus was standing next to me, visible to my naked eye?  Well, He is even closer than that every minute. 
     The heart of God doesn't change, but the way He wants us to do things and the way He does things, does change.  He will tell us if He doesn't want anymore Easter Lilies.  Ha.  But we always have to be listening.  If he expected the same thing from us every time, how would we grow.  He has often stretched me by saying, "This time I want you to..."
     In showing me the schemes of the enemy and where his authority lies, I have noticed the enemy does not always do things the same way either.  God has patience and His timing is very important.  The enemy has patience to and he will wait a long time to have the biggest affect.  The enemy also likes to do the same thing but in a different way.  We get so busy watching for the attack the way he always attacks, but he sneaks in another way. 
     To know God's heart does not always mean we know what He wants us to do or how He wants us to do it, though knowing His heart can show us the counterfeit.  His lies are twisted variations of the truth.  Flattery and compliments are two different things.  Compliments come from the heart, while flattery usually has a motive.  The enemy can come as an angel of light.  We have to know God's light.  We have to be so familiar with Son light that we recognize when a light bulb is turned on.

“It may be a species of impudence to think that the way you understand God is the way God is. (60).”
― Joseph Campbell, Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor

Three minutes are over.

“Why can’t the world hear? I ask myself. Within a few moments I ask it many times. Because it doesn’t care, I finally answer, and I know I’m right. It’s like I’ve been chosen. But chosen for what? I ask.”
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger    



      God has been whispering, "It's almost over." My question, "What's almost over?" I have so much stuff going on that could be over.  Today I believe I know what he was talking about and I thank Him it is finally over. 
     On the same subject of enabling the enemy, He brought to mind a few memories today.  One occurred when I was still in my teens, I believe.  My brother lived in a group home for mentally challenged adults, operated by an older couple.  I had stopped by the home with my mom and met the man for the first time.  As they talked I felt a familiar darkness.  I had no proof, except what I would have called instinct at that time and discernment today, but I told her, "Get him out of there."  She flashed me an irritated look, but confirmed my suspicion when she said my sister had said the same thing when she met him.  I knew there was something downright evil in that house.  Within maybe a couple months a call came in the middle of the night.  Mom had to go pick him up because they were closing the home.  The man was being arrested for raping the girls/women and abusing my brother for trying to call the police.  I felt a little less crazy that day.  How do you explain to people who don't have discernment, how you know what you know when you don't understand yourself. 
     That same brother was smarter than they gave him credit for.  He would do things such as start mowing the lawn and then not want to finish.  As Mom made me do it, he stood behind her and grinned, knowing he was getting away with it.  She never believed me.  This caused a lot of problems on top of all the problems I already had.  Talk about feeling like I am never heard. 
     There is also the fact that my parents chose to stay friends with one of the men who abused me.  There were times I came home to him and his wife having a beer or dinner with my parents.  It was very uncomfortable and it wasn't until I found God that I spoke up about it when a picture of a few couples, including my abuser was pasted on my mom's fridge.  Why am I subjected to this?  Her reply, "Because it's just too uncomfortable to end the friendship."  It was one of the moments when there was nothing to say.  What do you say to that?  My comfort wasn't an issue obviously. 
     When you report abuse to a parent, you expect results.  Well... I used to.  People just don't like truth, even if it is killing someone else, they will avoid it.  When you share truth, you have to realize there is a chance you will lose the relationship you have with the person who does not want to hear it.  Like telling your spouse you are having an affair, truth they don't want to hear and great risk of losing the relationship. 
     I shared some truth recently and tonight realize the relationship is lost.  It is what was almost over.  It is over.  I can't go into detail about what I shared, but I would compare it to telling a friend his business partner or even spouse was cheating.  It seems so obvious to me and others.  A lot of people have abandoned their friendships with this man because they can't stand watching what is happening to him.  Deception is powerful.  Who wants to hear they are being lied to?  Shoot the messenger.  The funny thing is this man has had an affair in his past and he knows about deception.  Why he doesn't believe he can be deceived is beyond me. 
     The way I see it, is I would be more likely to end a friendship if my so called friend did not tell me I was being deceived.  Apparently he does not feel the same.  I asked God on the way home tonight, why?  Why have I had so many instances of not being believed?  He said it is part of having discernment, but it is mostly the enemy's plan. 
     Let's say my best friend's husband was having an affair.  He grooms her.  If he knows that I know and suspects I might tell, he discredits me.  Then my triggered rage makes it worse because who believes a screaming lunatic.  It is really hard seeing people deceived.  It breaks my heart when they don't want to see it, refuse to see it.  It ticks me off royally when they see it and do nothing.  So God, what now?  I feel done.  There is nothing left to say. 
      He talked to me about the deception in the last days.  He talked to me about false teachers, false Christians and the leviathan spirit.  He reminded me of a conversation I had a few months ago with a Christian mentor.  I asked, "Why would God put me through this, telling this man the truth, if God knew he was not going to listen?"  He said, "One day he will stand before God and say he didn't know, but God will say I sent so and so and so and so."  I pray he wakes up before he stands before God.
     It feels good to be done.  I feel relief.  This subject, this friendship is closed.  When God asks I will pray, but that is all I can do.  I understand.  Who wants to be deceived.  The enemy may be smiling behind my friends back, but God is smiling behind his.  I will go finish writing my book and exposing more lies.  What God does with it, is not my concern.

“She let herself love me for three minutes.
Can three minutes last forever? I ask myself, but already know the answer.
Probably not, I reply. But maybe they last long enough.”
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger

You better handle the truth

“Most hatred is based on fear, one way or another. Yeah. I wrapped myself in anger, with a dash of hate, and at the bottom of it all was an icy center of pure terror.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton,


      The last 48 hours have been very interesting. So I touched on something, just a part of the lies that form the stronghold of rage. There are still more questions. I hope and pray that walking through this on this blog helps somebody, even one person will make the transparency worth it.  I sat down with a friend last night, brought out a pencil and paper and wrote down all the different puzzle pieces the Lord is giving me.  I have begged God to show me truth so I can be free of rage.  To be free I have to know where this comes from.
     One of the puzzle pieces is the whole POW system I totally identify with.  I see a parallel in the 12 step program.  I do believe there is a lot of good in this program, but there are a few things I don't see working.  First of all to admit you are an addict is the first step and I believe should not be mentioned again, but in meetings they have you claim it over and over.  "Hi, I am an addict."  Life and death in our words applies here.  As a matter of fact, tomorrow we bury yet another of my friends who died from their disease.  She never found complete freedom after more than 20 years of trying to "work" the program.  She was young and beautiful, leaving behind kids and grandkids.  I have seen more die than I have seen find freedom.  I see the 12 step program as sort of a purgatory.  You are caught somewhere between heaven and hell, freedom and the disease.  It only works if you work it is a true statement.  Find the root of what is causing the addiction and face it.  Face the truth.  Why are we so afraid of the truth?  Because the enemy wants us to be.
     I see the 12 step program as a type of POW camp.  You may be delivered from using, or should I say from the camp itself, but the bondage is still there.  Dry drunk?  Stepping out of the confines of years of abuse in a POW camp sets you free, technically.  But the PTSD nightmares continue unless you address them, face the truth, get delivered from the demons and come to truly know your identity in Christ.  You can survive for years after your release, but the nightmares continue until you find complete freedom from whatever drove you to the addiction. 
      Another piece the Lord has  been talking to me about and I wrote on my list is confrontation.  He has given me words for people about their bondage.  Not an easy thing.  I hate confrontation so I guess that's why He chose me.  He wants us to work out the darkness with His light.  There have been four different people He has sent me to.  One had a spirit of distraction.  The first thing the Lord did was had me observe this for quite awhile.  Then He asked me if I had a spirit of distraction and honestly I am occasionally tormented by it, especially when He needs me to focus.  I had to deal with that, ask forgiveness and so on.  Then He had me tell her.  It was actually awesome.  She asked for help immediately and I along with two other people walked her through getting rid of the little tormentor.  She went after truth.  She didn't get stuck in the enemy's plan.  She asked for truth and dealt with.  She didn't mess with blame, shame, judgment, guilt, none of it.  I was so thankful because confronting is so hard for me.  I had to be willing to give up the friendship for the growth of both of us.  There was one other who basically did the same thing.  She called another friend for conformation and she went after truth.  Again I was so thankful.  I don't want to lose friends, but more importantly, I want growth and freedom for each of my friends as well as myself.  I had to face the issue before I could bring it up to her.  I also had to face that what ever they did with the word I was sent with was none of my business.  God called me to give the word, offer help and walk away unless they asked me for that help.  I do not ever want to confront anyone on any issue, because like I said, I do not like confrontation, but these two made it a lot easier than it could have been.
     These two friends are not who God wanted to talk about as much as He wanted to talk about the two who didn't take it so well.  They both accused me of screwed up thinking, doing the enemy's dirty work, and said I needed help.  Well, we all need help, none of us is perfect, but the Lord wanted to talk about the fear of truth.  I want the truth no matter how much it hurts.  I will go after it.  I have an anger issue with those who do not want the truth, complete freedom. 
     The next puzzle piece?  I came across an article on a sex ring that was busted.  Two of the men arrested had attempted to meet up with a 13 year old and a fourteen year old.  They are in deep trouble for this, high bail and serious charges.  My first thought was how I would like to forward the article to those who sexually abused me after the age of thirteen.  Why?  I wanted to prove to them that this was still young enough to be considered child rape and how blessed they are to have never spent a night in jail. Why did I need to prove this?  It came out in my conversation last night with my friend.  Because of comments made to me years ago, I have always struggled with this.  Because I was thrown into adult roles in other areas of my life, I felt I should have been old enough to "know better".  I should have said "No".  Even writing this, defensiveness rises up in me.  I feel like I have to defend myself.  The article plainly showed me that theses ages are still considered children.  When I look at kids who are 13 and 14 I see it.  I would never hold them responsible, but the enemy has used the words of others to cause me to struggle with this lie that I am somehow responsible.
     Another puzzle piece the Lord laid before me was from a book my counselor had me read.  At the time I hated it.  I called it "The Stupid Book" and passed it on to the pastor to read.  I wish I had it right now.  The book spoke about our vision of who God is before the abuse and our relationship with our abuser BEFORE the abuse.  These things play a huge role in the severity of the damage done by the abuse.  A child raped by his or her father is traumatized more than a child raped by an acquaintance.  I am in no way minimizing the affects of rape by a stranger or acquaintance, but there is a difference in the trauma.  Rape is traumatic no matter who the rapist is in relation to the victim, but the trust built up before the rape adds to the trauma.  We hear so often of grooming, otherwise known as trust building.  The abuser convinces the victim they are special to them.  This adds to the trauma.  This trust and then trauma damages... steals the victims identity.  When someone you trust hurts you deeply and then does not even acknowledge any wrong doing and even accuses you of wrongdoing it is devastating and can completely destroy your ability to trust.  Even when you do trust someone, you wait and expect they will fail.
     Anger is a secondary emotion brought on by fear or hurt or possibly other things.  God told me my anger stemmed from fear.  I thought about the last outbursts.   I saw fight and flight results in both, from both the person involved and myself.  Sometimes it is best to take flight to protect from further abuse.  But sometimes flight is used to avoid the truth. 
     This morning, I woke with the song "Forgiven" by Brian Johnson from Bethel  playing in my head.  After listening to it a couple times, I turned my attention back to the enablers - what is the fear?  It was obvious to see the fear of being unloved, unwanted, and insignificant.  But I knew there was more.  I thought about it, I prayed about it, I cried about it.  God show me, what is the issue and how do I end this rage. 
     I walked down to the car to get something, talking to God all the way and as I reached into the car, I asked, "What is causing this deep anger?"  Then He answered, "Your deepest fear."  What could be deeper than the fear of being unloved, unwanted and insignificant?  Most victims of abuse have a deep fear of becoming like their abuser.  An enabler?  Am I afraid of becoming an enabler?  Yes, but it is not big enough to cause rage, right?  Then He asked, "Who were they enabling?"  They were enabling Satan. 

Ephesians 6:12 (ASV)

12 For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

      My biggest fear is to find out I am enabling Satan.  God said the fear is affecting my ministry and He has to bring this out of me.  I know this may sound a little harsh, enabling Satan, but going back over the things He has been showing me, it is the same evil beheading children that is behind gossip, behind eating a cheeseburger instead of salad.   We all enable Satan to a degree.  The enabling I am talking about is where others are getting hurt deeply.  When we know what the enemy is doing and do nothing we are taking his side.  We are working against God if He shows us something that needs to be taken care of, stopped, or done and we don't do it.  This is exactly what throws me into a rage, when disobedience to God causes harm to others. 
     Maybe my feelings are so strong, because since conception the enemy has been in total control of my life and he has made it a living hell.  The abuse alone, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal was more than enough to hate Satan, but when people who are in a role that is supposed to protect or have committed to protect others and then out of pure selfishness don't... yes, I get really angry.  I am not one to sit and watch a parent abuse their child, I am not willing to walk away when a man or woman is beating their significant other, and I sure won't sit back and watch Satan himself get a jab in at anyone if the Lord has asked me to step in.  The Lord expects us to become like Him and we are not doing that if we are not looking at the darkness in us, our behavior, how the enemy is holding us in bondage, separating the truth from lies.  To stay lukewarm is to team up with the enemy.  I for one do not want to be spewed. 
     I understand this all takes time and should be done in the Lord's timing, but if it's been revealed to you, it's His timing.  I have noticed God is picking up the pace and I'm not talking picante sauce.  He is accelerating the healing and overall growth of those who are willing.  I don't hold people responsible who do not know.  I have no problem with working at a very slow pace and even backsliding.  I do become enraged when a person knows that God wants them to face something and not doing it causes harm to others.  That hacks me off.
     Yes, there are occasions when it's not God, but we are responsible for checking.  When you get a word that is meant for your healing or growth, you need to check it.  The enemy will do one of two things - convince you it's not true or beat you up and make it sound worse than it is.  I can watch somebody struggle with a demon if the Lord tells me not to say anything.  I pray for them.  But quoting from "A Few Good Men" if "You can't handle the truth" that is probably a lie from the enemy.  Jesus is the Truth and He will walk you through it as fast as you are willing to go.  To not face truth is to believe the lie and we all know who is the father of lies - all lies, even the little white ones.



“But on Kwajalein, the guards sought to deprive them of something that had sustained them even as all else had been lost: dignity. This self-respect and sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of humanness; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cleaved from, and cast below, mankind.”
― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Book of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption