God's Speed?

[The natural life] knows that if the spiritual life gets hold of it, all its self-centeredness and self-will are going to be killed and it is ready to fight tooth and nail to avoid that. (Clive Staples) C. S. Lewis

     God has shown me recently a picture of my relationships at this time.  He used a wheel as the diagram.  I am the hub or whatever it's called and each of my relationships/friendships is a spoke.  Together they give me stability and they are the strength that carries me.  I have mother figures, sisters, brothers, friends, leaders, etc. etc.  To the outside world it all may look the same but I know each is unique with their own special purpose in my life.  

     It was December 20, a Thursday when I followed a friend into a coffee shop for a visit. This friends role in my life is very important.  Even though we are two grown women sitting at a table having an adult conversation, the strongest part of our bond is the little girls in us.  We were both abused and God has used that to create something special.  We get it.  Sometimes I am saying it to her and other times she is saying it to me, but we always "get it".  We talked about stuff that believers who are trying to grow into God's image talk about.  We laughed, there were tears.  Then it happened, her little girl showed up with all the excitement of any child with a great idea.  Oh oh.  She is brave and I am not and I feared what she was about to say.

     "For one twenty four hour period let's do whatever God tells us."

     When I finally sucked in air, I actually thought about it.  Hmm.  Why not.  Her little girls excitement rubbed off on me and I said we should do it through the end of January.  We decided to journal our daily experiences and meet for breakfast every Monday through January to share our journals.  The minute I left God spoke.  I had read a book that really touched me months earlier and He told me to go buy copies of the book and He would give me the names of the women I was to give them to.  He told me to buy all the copies they had, but I put a limit of five on it even though there were eleven available.  Well, as God gave me names and I began to hand them out, I realized He was giving me more names than I had books and so far I have purchased a total of 12.  This book is speaking to people.  It has gotten to the point that each day I follow Him like a small child following their mother through a grocery store.  Even if I am not always listening and tend to get distracted, I have one eye on Him and it is changing my life.  I have spoken words to people I would never speak, I have prayed for people in the car next to me, I have given money and time and dedication and instead of feeling like I need a break and time to myself, I want more.  

     He has been with me every step of the way.  We laugh, we cry, we pray and sometimes we just sit in the silence and wonder of it all.  I feel like the Grinch and my heart is growing.  He is messing me up.  At first I was afraid of pride.  I prayed several times for protection from pride, that I would not take credit for what He is asking me to do.  Then I became fixed on the way He was working through me and how He was changing me, but now I am totally blown away by how much He loves us.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I feel closer to Him than I ever have.  I want to learn more about healing, casting out demons, and sacrifice, but it has nothing to do with the acts themselves, it's about Papa showing up.  It's about Him loving His children through blessings.

     It's been a wild ride the last few days and I look forward to the days to come.  And of course today the enemy attacked with a vengeance, but I knew what to do and I called a friend.  We talked for a while and then she asked to pray for me.  Her prayer was amazing,  It brought us both to tears.  It was all about His love.  Then I heard Him say "God's Speed."  I didn't understand what that was about and He knew it, so He explained, "Follow Me at My speed and the enemy won't be able to catch up".   I started laughing.  Who ever thought following God could be boring? 

     Matthew 18:3 says “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  I believe we are to obey as little children.  While I was talking to my friend who prayed over me, her little girl was chewing out another child for closing a door.  She knew the rules that her parents set for their house and was very upset they weren't being followed.  We should be more upset with ourselves when we aren't obeying, but we shrug it off and promise to do it later.  Like a small child who rushes to obey their parent's for no other reason than to see the smile of approval and pleasure on their faces, we should be that focused on obeying our Father.  We should want to please Him, because it is a huge blessing to us.  Not that we should expect blessings, even though He does choose to give us a special blessing at times for obeying.  It's what it changes in the heart that is the true blessing.

     To choose disobedience stunts our growth.  It puts a wall between us and our Father.  It stops blessings.  It's like stepping out from under the protection of an umbrella in a downpour.  The enemy lies and convinces us that we are too strong to need constant guidance.  Who wants to be a robot?  I don't feel like a robot.  He didn't tell me what to wear, what to eat, where to go, etc.  He told me how to bless.  He told me how to show his love to another.  I have no idea what any of those women will get out of that book, but I know God does.  He knows every single thing about them.  He knows every word in that book.  He will bring them together and He will bless them.  He will show them His Love.  That, right there, is what makes me want to obey.

He has the right to interrupt your life. He is Lord. When you accepted Him as Lord, you gave Him, the right to help Himself to your life anytime He wants. Henry Blackaby

Rest

“For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Jesus Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened," He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged, and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out

     I remember many times when I was very young, sitting with my dad after we had finished a project.  Maybe we were mending fence or stacking wood or building something, but when we finished for that day we would sit together and look over what we had accomplished.  I usually had a soda or some kind of juice in my hand while he enjoyed either a cup of coffee or a beer, depending on the time of day and temperature outside.  Dad would usually find some place to sit comfortably and I would imitate him the best I could.  I never sat very long before I was up again trying to convince Dad that we could get more done before we called it a day.  Once Dad was finished and sat down it was a rare occasion that I would actually get him up and moving again.  Sometimes he would tell me stories from his childhood or explain why things were the way they were.  I was not quite to the place of understanding the importance of rest when he moved out of our home.

     God has me in a time of rest.  A time of being present with Him.  I have a hard time resting.  I feel lazy.  I feel like that little kid again, saying, "But God there are things we could be doing."  I can almost hear Dad's chuckle.  Rest is important.  I keep thinking about exercise.  When we do resistance training we actually tear muscle tissue and we accomplish more muscle building when we take a day of rest after the workout and allow those muscles to heal.  Those healed muscles are bigger and stronger.  
     I love how God works.  I am amazed by His timing.  Yesterday I read an article about alcohol:

Alcohol comes from the Arabic "al-kuhl" which was the name of a body-eating spirit. In fact, the English "ghoul" comes from the same word.
When Arab alchemists' ingested alcohol their senses deadened and they named the substance according to its "body-taking" qualities. Knowing this, European speakers who understood its etymology coined the use of the term "spirits" for alcohol.
The use of the term spirits for alcohol goes very far back so it's impossible to know for sure due the lack of written evidence, but this is the simplest answer to the question, and, in my opinion, the most likely to be true.

     This morning this article showed me why rest is important.  When we drink alcohol and our senses are deadened we don't have the resistance to immoral behavior or the enemy's whispers.  Our mind is open to the twisted lies of the enemy.  If we can find that rest in Christ, that intoxicating presence and purposefully let down our defenses, we are open to the whispers of Christ.  I see it as leaning against the fence with Papa, enjoying a drink of Living Water and listening to His praise for what He has accomplished through us through our obedience and instruction to where we go next.  He tells us stories of His life as we read scripture and explains why things are the way they are.  The most difficult part of this to accept, just like with my bio-dad is that sometimes He says, "Just because."  Maybe Bio-Dad said it because he didn't know the answer or maybe because it was too difficult to explain.  God says it for different reasons.  

     The other day I sat in a waiting room at the hospital, next to Dad.  I realized that the security I had felt as a child in those quiet moments, he was somehow getting from me now.  His brother was in the operating room undergoing a very tricky and life threatening procedure.  We sat in silence for a while and other times Dad chatted nervously as I had when I was young.  Before surgery I was able to take my dad's hand in mine and place them on my uncle's hands and I prayed.  I wanted so badly for them to feel that peace that I had found in our Papa's presence.  

     Just like sitting in silence next to Dad, leaned against a bale of hay, an ice cold soda in my hand, sweat dripping from my chin and a smile pasted on my face, I now sit with God.  As when I sat with Dad I now feel that security in being with God.  As with Dad when the world was right in those times we shared, my small world with God is right.

     Unlike Dad, God will never be dependent on me for security.  He will always be bigger, stronger, and He will never leave.  Also, He is always available.  No matter where I am in my walk, no matter the time of day, He will sit down with me, knowing exactly what I need from Him, before I do.


"The thing I like about rest is it gives me a breathing space where I can gather myself. I can step back. You don’t have to react to externals; you have to respond to an internal." - Graham Cooke

Healing through the broken

“Dear God

Please take away my pain and despair of yesterday and any unpleasant memories and replace them with Your glorious promise of new hope. Show me a fresh HS-inspired way of relating to negative things that have happened. I ask You for the mind of Christ so I can discern Your voice from the voice of my past. I pray that former rejection and deep hurts will not color what I see and hear now.

Help me to see all the choices I have ahead of me that can alter the direction of my life. I ask You to empower me to let go of the painful events and heartaches that would keep me bound. Thank You for Your forgiveness that You have offered to me at such a great price. Pour it into my heart so I can relinquish bitterness hurts and disappointments that have no place in my life. Please set me free to forgive those who have sinned against me and caused me pain and also myself. Open my heart to receive Your complete forgiveness and amazing grace. You have promised to bind up my wounds Psa 147:3 and restore my soul Psa 23:3 .

Help me to relinquish my past surrender to You my present and move to the future You have prepared for me. I ask You to come into my heart and make me who You would have me to be so that I might do Your will here on earth. I thank You Lord for all that’s happened in my past and for all I have become through those experiences. I pray You will begin to gloriously renew my present.”
― Sue Augustine, When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present

     A year ago today I was alone in my house fasting and praying for the demons to leave in Jesus name.  Several of them vanished, but a few stayed, the big ones.  The demons doing the most damage to my life stayed behind to try and win back their prize...or whatever I was to them.  This year is a little different.  Last year there were a lot of questions about the past...Why?...being the biggest one.  This year, it's still "Why?", but to different questions and God is sharing a few answers.

     I was born a fighter and to be honest, I like to fight.  I believe God has placed that in me to do spiritual warfare.  There is nothing like taking down the enemy.  There is nothing like having two thirds of the angels on the same side as me along with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Especially for a kid who felt everyone was against her, having such a team is amazing.

     The fighter in me can also cause problems.  I wrestle with God often.  Like a two year old play fighting with a parent, He gently takes me to the ground with one hand while revealing the truth (often times in simple picture form) with the other.  I'm no match for Him and I thank Him for that, but it doesn't stop me from trying.  

     A few weeks ago I was wrestling with God over one thing.  I have a friend who is very important to me, a big sister in Christ.  She had fallen and has severe damage to her shoulder. This is a big issue as far as the pain she is in, the finances needed for surgery, and my relationship with God.  I see this woman drop everything to run out and pray the the pain away for others.  I see her follow His will for her without question.  Why won't He heal one stinking little messed up shoulder in this world of ugliness and pain?  Why not heal her so it is easier for her to move about doing what He has asked her to do?  This makes no sense in my little world.  Yep.  I was angry at Him.  We had many late night chats about it and of course I was doing most of the chatting.  He was actually pretty quiet about it, except for the same statement, "She will be healed".  But when?  Why not now?  If this is how you treat people who follow you without question then do I really want to play this game?

     I became bogged down with people's pain.  I wanted to crawl back under my bed and stay there.  Dust bunnies are good friends who cause no feelings in my heart.  I had decided to trade them in for real people with real hurts.  What was I thinking?  I did as He asked and told my story and in the weeks to follow I saw amazing things happen but eventually I realized, people were in pain from hearing my story.  What had I done?

     Slowly in a way that only God can orchestrate, the scales began to fall.  Just a few short weeks ago I saw all the ugliness, friendships end, people suffering with disease, families torn apart, babies, jobs and loved ones lost.  This world sucks.  But I have new eyes and the choice to use them.  I didn't cause people's pain, God exposed it and brought the truth to light through me.  

     God uses the broken.  My friend with the broken up shoulder is usually the one leading in prayer and praising God for all that He is doing.  She has a smile that changes the atmosphere in a room and a love for God (even when in pain) that is contagious.  I have seen her in tears many times, but it's usually happy tears for what God is doing and where He is leading.  He uses her to...mess...people...up!  Who she is in Him, has affected how I see.

     I have a friend who lost a baby and is waiting for her body to realize it.  WHAT?  God seriously?  What could possibly come from this that would be worth the pain this wonderful person is faced with?  This one doesn't make sense.  But then I saw that same "Light" in her eyes as she reached out to hug me.  She reached out to hug me.  I don't know what His plan is, but I know that one day she and her family will be healed.  And as God just whispered to me, "There will be Hope in her womb".  He is amazing.

     When we focus on the pain, the broken relationships, and the disappointments, we are focusing on the enemy.  We are giving the enemy glory every time we allow a school shooting, sickness and loss to consume us.  We are to give God the glory by placing it in His hands and praising Him, worshipping and thanking Him while He turns it around.  There is no such thing as failure in God's plan.  There can't be.  Sometimes we are blessed with seeing the healing, but other times it's a process for a reason we may not understand...sometimes our pain is not about us, but for someone else's healing.


“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”― C.S. Lewis

Give it up and Follow

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

     Nothing changes until you change it.  I made a friend of mine angry a while back and she shouted at me, "If you are so miserable then leave."  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that phrase in my life.  I'm supposed to be trying something different.  I'm supposed to be trying this new thing called trust when you feel like running but stay and make it work.  This doesn't apply to all things in our lives.

     What God has shown me is that He wants me totally dependent on Him first.  I am to trust Him.  Leave everything to follow?  Whoa.  I did that once with a man from Texas and I'm still paying for it.  Ha.  Leave everything?  Give up everything?  Wait?  What is everything?  I have nothing.  God has removed one thing at a time from my life and the two things I am still clinging to are the two things that are holding me back, so I let go.

     I am totally dependent on God whether I want to be or not.  I have been here before, no job, no home, nothing.  The feeling was different then.  I had to constantly remind myself to let go, give it back to God, and give it back to Him again.  This time I am almost what I would call excited.  Over a year ago I locked myself in my room with only God and an outside email line to Dave in case God failed or should I say, I failed to hear God or just didn't want to hear what He was saying.  This time it is me and God and I know He has a plan.  He has been waiting for me to get to this place.  I am seeking Him on a whole new level.  Life is never going to be the same and I'm saying it's about time.

     God told me this morning that He was going to show me love today.  I often miss it when He does this, because it's not the love I was looking for.  I was stressed out and planning to have a very difficult conversation next Monday, but God showed love today in opening the door today for that conversation and it went very well.  When I got home and the enemy started playing with my brain, He showed me more love when friends asked me to dinner.  They had some of the answers I have been looking for.  I have a peace tonight.  I have a security in God's love and a trust that He has a plan and all I have to do is obey.  He doesn't want us miserable.  We have crosses to carry, but He never wants us nailed to them.  He already did that.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Onion? Peel it or Throw it?

“Many Christians... find themselves defeated by the most psychological weapon that Satan uses against them. This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan's greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth This feeling shackles many Christians, in spite of wonderful spiritual experiences and knowledge of God's Word. Although they understand their position as sons and daughters of God, they are tied up in knots, bound by a terrible feeling inferiority, and chained to a deep sense of worthlessness.”
― David A. Seamands, Healing For Damaged Emotions


     Why am I angry?  Why do I look at someone I considered to be a very good friend and feel nothing but anger.  His mouth opens and the anger rises in me and he hasn't even spoken yet.  Why do I feel so closed off?  I'm disconnected.
     I can hang out with a group of friends and feel a "part of".  I feel the Holy Spirit at work and love and compassion for all those present.  Then I get in the car to drive home alone and I feel nothing.  It used to take a couple days, so I would get back in the group immediately.  But it's getting more difficult to leave the house.  I find myself staring at the wall again.  Am I a fake?  I was laughing an hour ago with real friends and now I am not even feeling connected to God.  Yes God.  He has moved clouds for me to see, He has healed a woman's hearing through my hands, He has whispered, "I'm right here" when I'm afraid of the dark.  I feel nothing.  Is this a "brain" relationship?  When it is supposed to be a "heart" relationship.  Will He say one day, "I didn't even know you?"
    Then out of nowhere is that little voice, "If you weren't so selfish".  Oh it doesn't stop there.  That committee in my head tells me everything wrong with me.  "Why do you speak, why do you think anyone wants to hear you, they feel sorry for you because you are an idiot, and that pastor, well, he was just doing his job and your time is up."
     Okay.  I can go back to living under my bed.  I didn't want to finish my story anyway.  It's my story and why should I share it.  Maybe life sucked but it was my life, right?  Then the words I heard right before I told my story come back to haunt me, "This is your part in my story."   

     "Okay God since this is your story, you tell me how it ends.  Why can I feel and see so much and then shut off like it was all just a movie and now it is over and it's time to go back to my "Under the bed" life?  Why do I feel nothing when I know you are standing right in front of me?"
     "Because you have been shutting off your feelings for years.  You are getting close to people and you are panicking.  You just might get hurt and you don't even know how to take that risk?"
     "I do hurt and I have no reason to.  My addictions are in my face again.  I want to watch movies all day and eat four bags of cookies and throw them up.  I want to drink."
     "That is left over hurt that you pull up when you are scared.  You've been here before.  Don't you recognize this place?  This is where you always turn around."
     "What?"
     "You are hiding, trying to numb your feelings and you are pushing people away.  The enemy is exaggerating your fears.  Everything that is said to you is twisted."
     "What do I do?"
     "You decide to keep moving forward or you can turn around and crawl back under the bed."
     "How long do I have to decide?"
     "How long do you want to feel like this?  Why the tears?"
     "Just peeling onions.  I'm going to sit here a minute and decide whether to keep peeling or throw this thing against the wall."
     "I'll be right here."


Snow White: You of all people should understand. You've lost love. What if your pain could be erased?
Grumpy: I don't want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain. It makes me who I am. It makes me Grumpy.

     

Balance Beam - Francis Chan

Fully Surrendered

“If you fuel your journey on the opinions of others, you are going to run out of gas.”
― Steve Maraboli

     This morning I see clearly a very high mountain and at the top is a cross.  The meaning of this life is at the top of that mountain and at the foot of that cross.  Some people can't see it up there hidden by the clouds, but to others it shines brighter than the sun.  We are all on a journey up the side of the mountain, and though some of our paths are similar, they are each unique.

     We climb knowing we will never reach the top until our worldly death.  Many people know that this is the way but they believe they are content circling the base of the mountain, never taking that first step to start the climb.  Others push on in a straight upward direction.  Then there are the ones in between, like me.  I march forward for a while determined to cover ground and then I slow to a stand still.  I am now learning this is not a failure but a time to rest in Him, build strength, thank Him for the ground I've covered and get direction for the journey forward.  We know overall the top is our goal, but in blind faith we follow not knowing what's immediately ahead.

     What I am realizing lately is the importance of each step in the journey.  The clearing of the path for the next person who walks that stretch.  We are stalled by a small creek so we stop and take down a tree, allowing it to fall across the water, so the next person to pass through this particular area will find it easier to pass over that obstacle. 

     We tend to see the same person repeatedly because their path is similar and we become dependent on them to tell us where to step so we don't fall and how to get over obstacles.  Then their path veers off in another direction and we find ourselves praying they will show up at difficult times but realizing God will direct us through the thick brush.  We are again clearing for the next person.  The closer you get to the top the more determined you become to reach out to that next person and tell them where to place their foot and how to maneuver around that fallen tree.

     Sometimes you come into a peaceful clearing and you sit alone with God, hearing the sounds, smelling the fragrances, remembering the journey and conversing about what's ahead.  Other times your path intersects with others and you rest together for awhile looking out over the view of the way you have come and you share your stories and encourage each other to keep climbing.  Somebody mentions the log you pushed across the water and how they needed that comfort at that time, just to know somebody had been there before them.  You thank God for the opportunity and the strength to complete that task even though many times you wanted to quit.  To hear how it helped another makes you realize you will do it again if instructed to with a little less grumbling and complaining.

   Some of us will stay at the foot of the mountain and others of us will reach higher places than most, but for each of us, one day, we will be plucked from our journey and lifted to the top.  There will be dancing and singing and hugs from loved ones.  We will see things we never dreamed we would see and we will meet our Papa face to face.  Will we hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant"?

 

Psalm 84[a]

For the director of music. According to gittith.^[b] Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.

¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
    Lord Almighty!
² My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.
³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.^[c]

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.^[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,    till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
    listen to me, God of Jacob.
⁹ Look on our shield,^[e] O God;
    look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
¹¹ For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² Lord Almighty,
    blessed is the one who trusts in you.

One Heart, One Mouth

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement
give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow
Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may
glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
― Anonymous, Holy Bible: King James Version

     I found myself in a very strange situation. It wasn't the first time, in fact it is becoming a regular occurrence.  I was standing amongst a group of women and we were praying for each other.  Our focus would move from one to the next as God led us.  Each personality contributed in a different way.  The Holy Spirit's presence not only filled each one of us, but the whole house we were in.  We had gathered that day to hear a confession of sorts and as each truth was told, truths spilled out of everyone present.
     As I looked around the room I knew each personality had been hand picked by God Himself to be placed with perfect timing in my life.  Each teaching me different things and exposing different truths to me about myself.  We came together as sisters in Christ wanting more out of our individual walks and finding it by walking together.
     As we were praying over one of the ladies, a friends young daughter joined us.  I believe she is about nine years old.  This little girl has such an innocence about here and she laid her hand on each woman and prayed with a boldness I so wished I had myself, let alone my children.  Every time I would hear her sweet voice praying to God something happened inside me, the Lord would flash pictures in front of me of myself at about the same age.  The pictures were faded and I could barely make out it was me.  I would immediately feel a lump form in my throat and have to fight back tears.  Finally, I couldn't fight it any longer.  I moved to the side and sat down, still fighting tears.  Two women began to pray over me and looking back I see it was planned by God as He knows me, better than I know myself.  
     One woman was telling me how much God loves me, which made it impossible to stop the tears.  While the other woman, Connie put her hands on my back.  There was something about her hands.  There was something about this woman.  There was a comfort that drew me to her.  A part of me, that little girl,  wanted so badly to turn around and just fall into her arms, but there was the part of me who has been in charge for most my life who listens to the enemy, who said, "You will freak her out."  She was just praying over me, that's all.  I had been drawn to her from the moment we met, but who said I was anyone to her?  The enemy worked me over.  "Knock it off.  You are stealing the attention and it does not belong to you.  You are being selfish.  This is not about you."  Then they both began to sing.  I didn't know the song, but I felt it in my heart.  I wanted them to sing forever.  Music is a way God soothes me and I knew it was from Him.  
     Dave has told me for the last year that one day he hopes I could let somebody hold me while I let it all out.  This is so foreign to me that I would laugh when he said it, but now here was this part of me wanting something I didn't know how to take.  I eventually pulled myself together the best I could and tried to paint on an "I'm fine" face.  But I knew if my eyes met Connie's I would not last.  I fought it and avoided eye contact until I had it shoved down to a place where I thought I could act normal until I left.  I even felt in control enough that I would be able to hug her "goodbye", but she had gone before I had a chance.  
     I went to pick up my grandson and several times over the next hour or so struggled to fight back the tears.  What was happening to me?  I don't even know who I am anymore.  I knew God was up to something.  When I got home I had to send her a message, telling her she was special to me.  I told her about the little girls voice and the pictures God was showing me.  Her response blew me away.  I had to read it a couple times.  She had realized I was avoiding eye contact and felt she had done something wrong and/or freaked me out.  The enemy had turned it around and made somebody who is special to me beyond explanation feel the total opposite.  I was instantly angry at the enemy for using me to hurt someone I care about.  The only thing that could possibly take me out of that angry place was her next words.  "I wanted to hug you & hold you like you were a little girl, but was afraid. I look at you & just stinking LOVE you."  No more holding back tears for me.  I was a mess.  
     God has been showing me amazing blessings for all when we obey.  Many times He has told me to say things to people and my fear is that they we will think I am weird.  I have realized how many times the enemy wins when we don't tell people how we feel.  I told God, "There's something about Connie God and You know it.  She is special to me."  and God told me, "Tell her."  Thank Him I did.  The enemy could have destroyed a friendship that day with the lies he was whispering to both of us, but God didn't let that happen.
     Who knows what God has planned for this friendship.  We have some bonds others can't possibly understand.  But I find security in knowing we exposed the enemy's lies.  More importantly, we were handpicked and planted by God in the same garden, His garden to grow.

I think it would be a good thing to share! Go for it...you can use my name too, I have absolutely no problem with it. In fact I wish you would...slap the truth out there! - My friend, Connie

An Open Heart Heals

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
― Erma Bombeck

     When your body is covered with open wounds, becoming a healthy person seems so far to go.  I've heard the term "Healthy People" so many times in the last months I could puke.  Healthy seemed so far away to me that I had to ask myself if it was worth the journey.  What I have come to realize is that "Healthy People" are not necessarily completely healed, but it's how they handle the wounds that makes them healthy. 

     The first thing we do upon arriving at a hospital is tell them where it hurts.  Confessing the pain is always the first step.  Whether the pain was inflicted on you by another or yourself acknowledgement of the wound has to happen before it can be addressed.  We wouldn't  walk into a hospital and say, "I'm fine" and hide the gash on our arm.  Shoot, the blood leaking through our shirt sleeve would give it away.  You can't hide a wound forever, it will fester.  

     We would think someone had real issues if they sat and picked at an open wound or spent 30 years pointing a finger at the person who cut them, screaming, "It was him.  It was him who hurt me."  So many people do this with wounds of the heart.  Instead of cleaning it out or setting what is broken, they point fingers, try to hide, or deny the wound exists.  Another thing is to focus on other peoples wounds.  "He has been walking around bleeding like a stuck pig for years."  Ignoring the blood dripping from their own arm.  This is the work of the enemy.  He wants us to keep our wounds hidden to fester.  He convinces us that speaking out will destroy us.  

     In the last three weeks since I first told my story I have heard confessions of some very deep wounds inflicted by others and self inflicted.  I have heard people share very dark thoughts and fears.  I myself just recently shared what I consider to be my darkest secret.  The Lord  has told me clearly that these are desperate times and they call for desperate measures.  He has informed me that His plan for me consists of exposing truths that most skim over if they address them at all.  There is a lot of fear in exposing the dark secrets of our minds.  Why are we so arrogant as to think that we are different.  Why do we believe that we are the only ones who suffer from certain pains and horrors?  There are too many people on this planet to think that any individual has experienced something no one else has.  Since I shared my secret I have been almost embarrassed to think that I felt unique or different.

     The enemy only has so many tricks up his sleeve.  He attacks us all with a limited number of weapons.  So there are only so many wounds we can suffer from.  God is abundant and the devil is on a budget.  (Graham Cooke)  There is power in sharing a common hurt.  Just listen to a group of alcoholics once, they all share one basic story.  They love alcohol, they drank too much, they lost things that meant the world to them.  The difference is, some are recovering and some are not.  

     Denial is our biggest enemy.  Secrecy is second.  When a secret is shared, the only person who will judge is the one who thinks they are completely healthy, completely have it together.  We are not complete until our Father we meet.

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 

― W. Paul Young, The Shack

THIS IS WAR!

“The fire of God refuses to burn in the ashes of our past.” – SERGIO SCATAGLINI

     So many people just go through life.  They have ups they have downs and they blame it on the enemy, but this isn't anything like sibling rivalry, this is WAR!  This is spiritual war and if you aren't feeling attacked then you might want to take another look at what you are doing for Christ.  If life is just okay, then your relationship with God probably is not.

     People either don't realize this war is real, they refuse to acknowledge it, or they are comfortable with their demons.  When you say it's too difficult to change, you have surrendered to the enemy.  God told me, "You can worship Me from under your bed for the rest of your life and you will go to heaven, but you won't take anyone with you."  That's not good enough for me. There is no reason to fear the enemy, because the battle has already been won.  I have found a book that I believe every believer who wants to know the truth about spiritual warfare should read.  In this book is a section called "The Child is a Warrior"  This puts into perspective how much the enemy hates children.  Get this book.

The Child is a Warrior

Islamic terrorists are training children in battle techniques and teaching them to fight for their cause.  Homosexuals and pornographers have created elaborate strategies to capture the hearts of our children.  But for some reason, it has not occurred to most Christians that children do not receive a junior Holy Spirit.  The full arsenal of the weapons of our warfare are available to kids of all ages.  King Solomon wrote, "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of the warrior so are the children of one's youth." (Psalm 127:3-4, emphasis added) Children were born to be arrows in the hands of warriors.  They pierce deep into the darkness as they impact the hearts of our enemies.

     Christian schools have often become comfortable sanctuaries where children are sheltered from the devices of the devil, instead of becoming Holy Spirit terrorist training centers that sharpen these arrows for the destruction of evil forces.  It is time that we give our children more than a Happy Meal.  We need to teach them how to deal with the destructive forces of evil from the time they are little.  Kingdom combat training should be part of every homeschooler's life, every Christian school's curriculum and every parent's instruction.

     It should be obvious to all of us that evil spirits are not selective with their destructive devices.  For some reason Christians seem surprised when little children come under extreme assaults.  Satan hates children today maybe even more than he has in any other generation.  When Noses was a baby, the devil wiped out an entire generation of kids in a ruthless attempt to destroy him.  When Jesus was a baby, the devil did it again.  And now, the greatest holocaust in human history is taking place in the womb of women as thousands of helpless children are aborted every single day.

     The next section tells of a two year old who played with angels.  It was determined early on that she was really seeing them.  But when she was about four years old, she woke under attack by demons.  They taught her right away to command the demons to go outside.  The second night she was attacked, they found her in her room standing on her bed shouting at the demons to go outside.  She was never afraid of demons again and was rarely assaulted after that. Kris Vallotton who wrote the book "Spirit Wars: Winning the invisible Battle Against Sin and the Enemy" says, "I am convinced that demons are more afraid of children than they are of adults.  There is something about childlike faith and innocence that God protects in an extraordinary way"  I have to agree with him.  So if a four year old little girl can stand on her bed, in the dark and command Satan's demons to leave her house with confidence, why are so many adults afraid to acknowledge their presence.  Makes me a little red faced about my comfort zone.

“If you don’t need courage to fullfill what you are called to do and you don’t face opposition you might be off the track.” – Bill Johnson

Who am I? God's Child!

“It doesn't matter if a million people tell you what you can't do, or if ten million tell you no. If you get one yes from God that's all you need.”
― Tyler Perry

     Who am I?  I don't even know anymore.  There is a transition period when God begins a work in us, when we totally surrender every part of our lives to Him.  I don't belong where I was, but I'm beginning to fit in where I never thought I would.  We build protective walls to keep the bad out, but it also keeps the good in us locked inside.  There was a fear of reaching out.  What if nobody likes me?  What if I fail?

     This morning, I have a whole new respect for Dave.  He was so transparent about his life, his failures, that I felt I could reach out to him.  As I'm trying desperately to finish my story, to put into words what has happened to me this last year and a half, I am going back through thousands of emails between Dave and me.  It's emotional to go back there.  It's difficult to see how messed up, angry, scared, and tormented I truly was.  But Dave hung in there.  It had to be difficult at times, when I was verbally abusive, when I flip flopped on what I was willing to do and when I begged him to help me and he didn't know what to do.  The demons weren't letting go very easily, but he wouldn't let go either, with the grace of God.  I see most clearly now why God chose him for such a difficult task.  I find myself often repeating his words to hurting people.  There was a sermon he gave a week before I first contacted him on how we are to love each other.  Looking back, he practiced ever single word he preached.

Here is the link if you would like to watch it. It is titled "Relationships, Part 4: Love is the Greatest"

http://www.ctkbellingham.com/sermons/#preacher-sort_dave-browning-pastor-of-strategic-ministry

     I believe it is very important to show up, if God has instructed you to.  I also believe it is important to step back if God has chosen someone else for the task.  God gave Dave the strength, the wisdom, the words to say to me, and blessings for obeying.  I was so angry and at times he got angry along with me.  But there were times when I directed my anger at him after he would expose a truth I needed to face.  I attacked with words like, "Do you feel better now?"  He changed me and cracked me up with the same response every time, "No, I feel the same".  I wanted him to rage back at me for an excuse to walk away, but he stayed stable or at least that's what he allowed me to see.

     In the beginning God told me that Dave and I would tell my story like he and Grant told his.  There was some uneasiness, because I knew our friendship would change once my story was told.  God promised we would be friends forever.  He has given me the responsibility of praying for Dave and his family which I consider a privilege, a gift.  But our relationship has changed.  He is still a teacher, but in a different way.  God has said to me, "I have put a teacher before you.  He teaches many and travels all over the world.  I want you to keep learning from Him because it will be of great value to what I have for you.  Support him in the tasks I have given him."  

     God has put many teachers in front of me.  I learn different things from each of them.  I have no idea what God has planned for me, but I know right now He wants me to finish writing my story.  There is fear in finishing it, because I don't know what's next.  But at the same time, I can't wait to find out.  As I read through all the emails I see several times when Dave promised what my future would be like if I just kept seeking God's face.  Now, he gets to say, "I told you so." with that big brother smirk of his.  Don't tell him, but I am glad he was right.

Hard days are part of this journey. If it was easy everyone would be doing it. - Dave Browning

Above ALL!!

“The safest place in the kingdom is the front lines of the battle!” – Bill Johnson

     The last few days God has been placing people in front of me that break my heart.  Unbelievers who adamantly deny Christ.  Adamantly is an interesting word, by the way.  First I see the name Adam and second, the definition includes "A stone once believed to be impenetrable in its hardness."   Maybe that was just for me.

     I have talked to people who laugh at the thought of a God.  I have talked to people who "Aren't that into Him".  I have also talked to believers who compromise, believing we have a "softy" God.  Every compromise is an open door to the enemy.  I heard once that a stiff branch is easier to break than a flexible branch.  Makes sense.  

     I have been incredibly tired and sad the last couple days, feeling alone and actually wanting to isolate.  There are so many people who don't even see what the enemy is doing in their lives.  How can you fight an enemy you don't acknowledge?

     This morning, God gave me a song to listen to.  As I sat on the deck with my coffee and my ear buds blasting the song in my ear, it became clear what He is wanting me to see lately.  To be more like Him, we have to know Him.  Knowing Him is all about love, but love isn't always warm and fuzzy.  We have to know the rejection He felt as He made the ultimate sacrifice.  As He dragged the cross, knowing what lie ahead, with people spitting on Him, the pain in His heart over the people who did not believe had to be worse than the physical pain He was suffering.  Lately He is exposing me to that rejection on a much smaller level, because as a human I know I could not survive what He did and felt.

     The amazing thing to me was toward the end of the song.  He opened my eyes a little further to the incredible love He has for each of us.  Not only that, but the love that I am feeling for people I don't even know.  We have to receive before we can give it away.  We received forgiveness from Him, in order that we forgive others.  We receive mercy to give it.  We are showered in Grace to give grace.  You cannot give away, what you do not have.  Accept the gifts, but don't hoard them or they will dry up.  Give them away.  Sometimes people cannot receive what God has to offer because it is too big.  They can't accept it.  They can start out accepting it in small doses from believers, until they are ready for the ultimate gifts from God.

“The sacrifice of Jesus on the cross determined the value of the people he purchased!” – Kris Vallotton

Discernment

“God expects you to have the mentality of a conqueror. See yourself as a victor in Christ Jesus, and go about life with a holy swagger!”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ

     Holy Swagger.  Over the last year I have felt like I was driving a bus unable to travel less than 50 mph or it would blow up.  Since I told my story, the bus has doubled it's speed and I have no control. It feels great.  That was the problem, I wasn't allowing God to drive when things got a little scary.  Those were the times He most definitely should have been behind the wheel.

     In the last 10 days I have heard more stories of pain and healing than I ever dreamed.  I'm seeing people in the places I was in the last year and people being set free.  I have seen people healed physically and was even blessed to take part.  There is something amazing when you feel the power of God run through you and restore a person's hearing.  I had no idea God was straightening out my life so He could mess me up so good.  I am amazed by His love and His power.  But I have to admit, it's the emotional healing I love the most.  To hear people talk of their painful pasts and how God loved them into wholeness.  I have new friendships that blow me away and a new love for friends I have had for years.  I have a willingness to risk being hurt and that's just weird.  I don't even know who I am, or should I say, I finally know who I am, but I don't recognize me.

     The thing God has been talking to me about the last couple days, I haven't quite figured out yet.   Maybe I am trying to make it too complicated.  Writing it out usually brings it in to focus.  I had written a few days ago about a demon being attached to a child when they are molested.  This demon's role is to attract people to the victim.  This can happen into adulthood.  The victim becomes familiar and comfortable even needing the attention and continues abusing themselves and destroying others.  It makes sense to me.  Perfect sense.
     I was reminded of something this morning.  How many times as believers do we see it in others.  There is something in their eyes.  For instance we meet someone and chat with them and we wonder to ourselves if they are a believer.  We can almost be sure of it.  We aren't all that surprised when we find out they are.  It happens to me all the time.  Several times this last year it has been revealed that people I have met or even known for awhile are fellow believers.  I think that's Jesus in their eyes.
     So what about the person who says they are a believer and does things believers do, but something leaves us a little unsettled about them?  There is someone like this in my life.  This person is very critical and negative, yet always correcting other believers for being the same way.  This person talks down to people, unless it is someone in authority then this person scrambles to serve them.  I battled with this for a long time.  I finally asked God straight out, what is going on?  He revealed a demon attached to this person.  This was a process, because I really didn't want to believe it.  Who wants to believe a Christian can have a demon attached to them?  But I did.  
     So what about that really good person who wants nothing to do with God?  The ones who you pray for all the time because they are good people and we want them with us for eternity?  We get no bad gut feeling around them, even though they are not believers.

     What does this all mean?  I believe this is discernment we are born with.  I believe God gives us the gift of discernment from birth and our life traumas and orchestrated events by the enemy can distort our ability to "read people".  How many times have we seen babies afraid of someone for no obvious reason?  It may just be a beard or something that scares them, but other times it is obvious they are seeing something we are not.  How many times have we heard an adult say, "I really thought she/he was a good person"?  I guess what this all comes down to is the enemy's lies.  We think we know, but we all need to pray for more discernment.  Sometimes good people are fighting off bad spirits and some times bad people are imitating good.  In the days ahead the trickery and the lies from the enemy are only going to increase.  There is desperation in his attempts to fool us, because he knows his days are numbered and he knows the truth of the Bible.  He knows how this ends and he is not going to give up until the last moment.  God is the only one who can help us with discerning spirits, whether it is the spirit of a person or an angel, good or evil.  Just remember, 1/3 of the angels fell with Satan.  That means we have 2/3 on our side.  That's 2 to every one.  Also we have the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit on our side.  With odds like that I understand why Christ laughs in the face of His enemy.  We should too.  When the enemy tries to tempt you, laugh.  You can fake it at first and it will come to you.  Just imagine the battlefield and how pathetic he looks.  See, God created the angels, so why would the enemy be stronger than Him?  It reminds me of a small child in a Halloween mask growling in a little squeaky voice trying to scare an adult.  One big "Boo" and the child runs off in tears.  Even if he believes the mask is scary, he knows what's behind it.  He knows how small he is.



“There is nothing more important than your eternal salvation.”
― Kirk Cameron

God in a box? Ha!

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”
― C.S. Lewis

     We hear it all the time that the truth will set us free and it does, but it has to be God's truth.  It has become clear to me that I am being prepared these days for a spiritual battle.  A warrior does not fight without the proper training.  The enemy is Satan and I have been trained to see how he fights against me.  His demons can be tricky when they imitate my fellow soldiers.  But I have now been trained to see there are even those who claim to be my fellow soldiers though they allow the enemy to guide their step.  The truth they so desperately believe I need to see is their truth, truth that will benefit them instead of bring Glory to God.  I thank Him for surrounding me at this time with strong believers.
     I am being trained by an excellent marksman to throw my spear or should I say pen with absolute accuracy.  My words need to be placed with precision to take back ground long ago taken by the enemy.  God's truth is the ultimate weapon.

     It was approximately one year ago that I began writing my story.  When I had finished writing about the abuse I went through, I stopped writing.  I continued to learn by reading, watching videos and corresponding with Dave, but the pen was too heavy to pick up again.  Then one day in conversation with God, He said to me, "You have written of the days when the enemy ruled your life, the time has come to write about the battle between my good and his evil.  Eventually you will write the happy ending when you find victory in Me."  I began to write again.  The battle was just as painful to write about as I had to face my mistakes, my bad choices.  But I could clearly see the battle like I had not seen it before.  I would take a step forward and the enemy would knock me down.  Jesus would pick me up, dust me off, straighten my breastplate of righteousness and send me back out.  But I did not see it that way until I wrote about it.
     Now we have come to the place where I write about God's Glory.  My victory in Him is the most important part of my story.  I have to write it with truth and accuracy.  He is showing me that this is not even my story.  It is His.  
     Since I told my story publicly I have been in complete awe of what He is doing.  The men and women stepping out of the darkness and saying "I need help" is overwhelming.  I don't know who they are and I don't know all their stories, but my fellow soldiers keep hollering out, "Got one... Hey, another one over here...Somebody is reaching out right now... Got to go, broken lady calling."   Every time I hear of another one I grow stronger.  Thank you, God.
     The other day a woman reached out to me and shared a little of her battle.  I got angry at the attack she was under from the enemy and soon found my self enraged at his tactics.  Then I realized I was focusing on the enemy instead of what Christ is doing.  Once I did that He showed up in a big way.  
     There is a song I'm not even sure can be classified as a believer's song, but it has a very heavy beat and I love to listen to it and picture thousands of angels marching into battle.  With the beat they pound their staffs to the ground and the sound alone scares off enemy demons.  I sat out on my second story deck and put in my ear buds to hear the song even clearer as I pictured the angels in my mind.  Shortly after the song began, I saw a cloud, a perfectly shaped cloud in my front yard at about power line level.  I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I laughed as I tried to adjust my eyes, but the more I tried the more I felt God's presence and He was laughing at my disbelief.  He loves to show up big in our lives and bless us beyond belief.  Just like any daddy on Christmas morning when his son opens the gift he never believed he would receive I felt Him stand back and watch me with a smile on His face.  As I finally decided I was losing my mind, the song came to an end and the cloud evaporated.  That's when I knew it was Him.  
     I began searching online for the meaning.  What is the symbolism of a cloud?  Nothing I read stood out to me.  Repeatedly I came across Job 26:9.  He covers the face of the full moon, spreading his clouds over it. This was not what happened, so I kept searching.  I finally gave up, accepting the fact that God just wanted to show up big.  Later I went back outside and was overwhelmed by the beauty of the moon.  It was big and bright.  Then I noticed a large dark cloud racing across the sky like clouds sometimes do and I laughed.  I knew it was going to pass in front of the moon and I felt like God was saying "Watch this"  We have too much fun.  He loves to blow our minds, but I realized that even bigger when the cloud stopped right in front of the moon.  I froze.  I couldn't even sort my thoughts.  Was I really seeing this?  The moon was shining around the border of the cloud and resembled a silver lining cloud like I had seen once as a teenager.  I sat for several minutes staring at it, not sure what to think.  I decided it was between me and God and too much for anyone else to believe so I would not share my experience.  I went to bed asking God why He chose me to see this.  What was I supposed to do with it? 
     The next morning before I was fully awake, God started speaking to my heart.  Already knowing that He has asked me to speak out about abuse beyond the norm, that I am to speak in more detail than people are used to hearing.  The devil is in the details and he needs to be exposed.  He explained to me that for years when I spoke of the abuse I stopped after the first couple incidents, because I felt, "Who would believe it?  Who would believe that so many bad things can happen to one person."  He said to me that morning, "As much as you believed I wasn't with you for so many years, I am going to show you I am here.  I chose you to speak beyond what people are comfortable with.  I chose you because you will speak out about the depths of abuse and the enemy's tactics and you will speak out about the depths of my love for my people."  I walked around in a "cloud" all day.  Why me?  I'm not worthy.  His reply, "You are chosen."
     I began to see how God has placed specific people in my life to help me understand the importance of not only speaking out, but speaking the truth, all of the truth with accuracy and focus on Him, all of Him.  He is a HUGE God and we cannot put Him in a box so that we are comfortable with who we believe He is.  Instead of being frightened by how big and good He is, we should be overwhelmed by His love for us and by His desire for us to come to Him in complete surrender, letting go of our human beliefs and know that He is supernaturally HUGE and in deep compassionate LOVE with us.  The Love and acceptance we all crave deep down in that secret place in our heart that we are even afraid to admit we want, is available and all we have to do is receive it.  I believe God is about to BUST His way out of the box so many of us have put Him in.  He is about to show us how big He truly is and the enemy is stepping up the intensity of the battle hoping to take us down before the true shining Glory of God totally blows us away!!
     
“The sin underneath all our sins is to trust the lie of the serpent that we cannot trust the love and grace of Christ and must take matters into our own hands”
― Martin Luther