“Freedom is not something that anybody can be given. Freedom is something people take, and people are as free as they want to be”
― James Baldwin
As I continue to examine this rage and why it has returned, I hear the Lord ask if my anger is righteous. I believe it is. The enemy has a plan and that plan is being enabled without any desire for truth. I was talking with a friend the other night and she agreed, my anger is righteous anger. The way I handled it is not.
We hear all the time about the love and grace and mercy of Christ, but what about the death. What about the beating, the crown of thorns, the spit in His face? What about the flesh hanging from His back? Did He go through all that so I could rage at others? No! Because He went through that the very very least I can do is fight for the answers to finding freedom. What is the stronghold.
I met a man a week ago who has an anointing to pray against the darkness of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ) I have been diagnosed with and treated for PTSD most of my life. I asked him to pray for me. I believed this could be part of the problem, but when he prayed and I felt a burden lift from me, I was pretty sure this was bigger than I had thought. He asked the Lord to fill me with peace, joy and His love. I immediately had a hot flash and I don't believe it had anything to do with getting older. I felt changed.
Later he explained to me that the spirit of PTSD will throw the others under the bus. I have prayed against anger, fear, etc. etc., but PTSD has all these things covered. He has prayed for many vets with PTSD and God has changed their lives. I feel like I am back in alignment.
Too many people get stuck half way. They are unwilling to stay the course. Jesus didn't quit. Neither should we. There is so much more out there He has for us. Stopping before we reach full freedom is like crossing a bridge only halfway, partially climbing a mountain and missing out on the view at the top, or stopping in the birth canal. It can actually be dangerous. To not pursue complete freedom is to be lukewarm. Finding enough light to be comfortable can leave us in the darkness. The only thing worse is knowing Him intimately and turning away.
The real change was recognized on the drive home. I suddenly was overwhelmed with the desire to pray for the salvation of every person who had abused me. I have forgiven and I have prayed blessings, but now I wanted complete freedom for each of them. I listed them by name and prayed for their salvation and complete freedom with an urgency in my heart I had never felt before. This is what Jesus wants for each of us and we don't want it for the people who have hurt us the deepest, then we still have work to do. There is something in the way and it is our responsibility to figure out what that is and deal with it. It's easy to do, just as Jesus to show you. The hard part is being willing to hear Him.
Never be satisfied enough to stay where you are. There is a depth to Christ that we will never reach on earth, but to stop striving for it could be costly.
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
― Ernest Hemingway
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Son light or flourescent?
“Arrogance is someone claiming to have come to Christ, but they won't spend more than five minutes listening to your journey because they are more concerned about their own well being, rather than being a true disciple of Christ. Blessed is the person that takes the time to heal and hear another person so they can move on.”
― Shannon L. Alder
A good friend said to me once that when trying to pass a counterfeit bill, we wouldn't use monopoly money. The enemy's schemes are a twisted version of truth. Counterfeit is made to look real. How do we prevent falling for a counterfeit? We know the real so well that we recognize fake. Many believe the antichrist is already on the earth. He is not going to look like we imagine Satan and his entourage to look. Discernment is so important.
Imagine a man who buys Easter Lilies for his wife every year on the anniversary of the day they met. He does this because the day they met when he handed her a fist full of Easter Lilies, her response was, "Oh my goodness. What a wonderful surprise. I love them." Fifty years later as he walks into the kitchen with yet another fist full of Easter Lilies, she smiles. He smiles back, proud that he has not missed a year. Even the year he broke his leg, he managed to talk his friend into picking up those flowers for him. As he puffs out his chest and leaves the room, his wife whispers to her sister, "I hate Easter Lilies. They smell like cat urine."
If this is true, why did he not know? At one time did she try to tell him and he didn't hear her? On their first date she didn't know him well enough to say, "I hate Easter Lilies, because they smell like cat urine". She was excited for their first date and wouldn't dream of making him feel bad. The first few years it still touched her heart that he would put the effort in to please her, but around forty years ago, she could smell cat urine before he got out of the car. He never asked. He assumed that the same thing that pleased her then would please her now. If you asked him, he would talk for several minutes about how well he knew his wife. He didn't have to ask her what kind of flowers she wanted. He will even boast about the time when she was very ill, even hospitalized and he surrounded her with several bouquets of Lilies. She begged the doctor to discharge her. The room was just too small and she was drowning in cat urine.
I see people do this with God. They wait on Him to speak and respond the way He did in the past. Of course He would tell us if He wanted us to do things differently, if we listen. Looking through the Bible how many times do we see Him respond the same way or direct His people to do things the same way. He had specific instructions for taking down the walls of Jericho. Do we ever see an army defeat a city the same way in the Bible? Things He might have let us get away with in the beginning of our relationship with Him, He won't approve of now. As we grow and change, our knowledge of Him grows and changes.
Our behavior changes the closer we get to Him. Where we might have told a white lie before, we wouldn't dream of it now. Some of the areas I have changed is the movies I watch, the words I use, the music I listen to, the places I go. I believe this should change and as I get closer to Him, I want to change these things to please Him. Religion is about rules and that's not what I am talking about. There are still a lot of things I need and want to change, but sometimes I have to ask myself, would I be doing or saying this if Jesus was standing next to me, visible to my naked eye? Well, He is even closer than that every minute.
The heart of God doesn't change, but the way He wants us to do things and the way He does things, does change. He will tell us if He doesn't want anymore Easter Lilies. Ha. But we always have to be listening. If he expected the same thing from us every time, how would we grow. He has often stretched me by saying, "This time I want you to..."
In showing me the schemes of the enemy and where his authority lies, I have noticed the enemy does not always do things the same way either. God has patience and His timing is very important. The enemy has patience to and he will wait a long time to have the biggest affect. The enemy also likes to do the same thing but in a different way. We get so busy watching for the attack the way he always attacks, but he sneaks in another way.
To know God's heart does not always mean we know what He wants us to do or how He wants us to do it, though knowing His heart can show us the counterfeit. His lies are twisted variations of the truth. Flattery and compliments are two different things. Compliments come from the heart, while flattery usually has a motive. The enemy can come as an angel of light. We have to know God's light. We have to be so familiar with Son light that we recognize when a light bulb is turned on.
“It may be a species of impudence to think that the way you understand God is the way God is. (60).”
― Joseph Campbell, Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor
― Shannon L. Alder
A good friend said to me once that when trying to pass a counterfeit bill, we wouldn't use monopoly money. The enemy's schemes are a twisted version of truth. Counterfeit is made to look real. How do we prevent falling for a counterfeit? We know the real so well that we recognize fake. Many believe the antichrist is already on the earth. He is not going to look like we imagine Satan and his entourage to look. Discernment is so important.
Imagine a man who buys Easter Lilies for his wife every year on the anniversary of the day they met. He does this because the day they met when he handed her a fist full of Easter Lilies, her response was, "Oh my goodness. What a wonderful surprise. I love them." Fifty years later as he walks into the kitchen with yet another fist full of Easter Lilies, she smiles. He smiles back, proud that he has not missed a year. Even the year he broke his leg, he managed to talk his friend into picking up those flowers for him. As he puffs out his chest and leaves the room, his wife whispers to her sister, "I hate Easter Lilies. They smell like cat urine."
If this is true, why did he not know? At one time did she try to tell him and he didn't hear her? On their first date she didn't know him well enough to say, "I hate Easter Lilies, because they smell like cat urine". She was excited for their first date and wouldn't dream of making him feel bad. The first few years it still touched her heart that he would put the effort in to please her, but around forty years ago, she could smell cat urine before he got out of the car. He never asked. He assumed that the same thing that pleased her then would please her now. If you asked him, he would talk for several minutes about how well he knew his wife. He didn't have to ask her what kind of flowers she wanted. He will even boast about the time when she was very ill, even hospitalized and he surrounded her with several bouquets of Lilies. She begged the doctor to discharge her. The room was just too small and she was drowning in cat urine.
I see people do this with God. They wait on Him to speak and respond the way He did in the past. Of course He would tell us if He wanted us to do things differently, if we listen. Looking through the Bible how many times do we see Him respond the same way or direct His people to do things the same way. He had specific instructions for taking down the walls of Jericho. Do we ever see an army defeat a city the same way in the Bible? Things He might have let us get away with in the beginning of our relationship with Him, He won't approve of now. As we grow and change, our knowledge of Him grows and changes.
Our behavior changes the closer we get to Him. Where we might have told a white lie before, we wouldn't dream of it now. Some of the areas I have changed is the movies I watch, the words I use, the music I listen to, the places I go. I believe this should change and as I get closer to Him, I want to change these things to please Him. Religion is about rules and that's not what I am talking about. There are still a lot of things I need and want to change, but sometimes I have to ask myself, would I be doing or saying this if Jesus was standing next to me, visible to my naked eye? Well, He is even closer than that every minute.
The heart of God doesn't change, but the way He wants us to do things and the way He does things, does change. He will tell us if He doesn't want anymore Easter Lilies. Ha. But we always have to be listening. If he expected the same thing from us every time, how would we grow. He has often stretched me by saying, "This time I want you to..."
In showing me the schemes of the enemy and where his authority lies, I have noticed the enemy does not always do things the same way either. God has patience and His timing is very important. The enemy has patience to and he will wait a long time to have the biggest affect. The enemy also likes to do the same thing but in a different way. We get so busy watching for the attack the way he always attacks, but he sneaks in another way.
To know God's heart does not always mean we know what He wants us to do or how He wants us to do it, though knowing His heart can show us the counterfeit. His lies are twisted variations of the truth. Flattery and compliments are two different things. Compliments come from the heart, while flattery usually has a motive. The enemy can come as an angel of light. We have to know God's light. We have to be so familiar with Son light that we recognize when a light bulb is turned on.
“It may be a species of impudence to think that the way you understand God is the way God is. (60).”
― Joseph Campbell, Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Three minutes are over.
“Why can’t the world hear? I ask myself. Within a few moments I ask it many times. Because it doesn’t care, I finally answer, and I know I’m right. It’s like I’ve been chosen. But chosen for what? I ask.”
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger
God has been whispering, "It's almost over." My question, "What's almost over?" I have so much stuff going on that could be over. Today I believe I know what he was talking about and I thank Him it is finally over.
On the same subject of enabling the enemy, He brought to mind a few memories today. One occurred when I was still in my teens, I believe. My brother lived in a group home for mentally challenged adults, operated by an older couple. I had stopped by the home with my mom and met the man for the first time. As they talked I felt a familiar darkness. I had no proof, except what I would have called instinct at that time and discernment today, but I told her, "Get him out of there." She flashed me an irritated look, but confirmed my suspicion when she said my sister had said the same thing when she met him. I knew there was something downright evil in that house. Within maybe a couple months a call came in the middle of the night. Mom had to go pick him up because they were closing the home. The man was being arrested for raping the girls/women and abusing my brother for trying to call the police. I felt a little less crazy that day. How do you explain to people who don't have discernment, how you know what you know when you don't understand yourself.
That same brother was smarter than they gave him credit for. He would do things such as start mowing the lawn and then not want to finish. As Mom made me do it, he stood behind her and grinned, knowing he was getting away with it. She never believed me. This caused a lot of problems on top of all the problems I already had. Talk about feeling like I am never heard.
There is also the fact that my parents chose to stay friends with one of the men who abused me. There were times I came home to him and his wife having a beer or dinner with my parents. It was very uncomfortable and it wasn't until I found God that I spoke up about it when a picture of a few couples, including my abuser was pasted on my mom's fridge. Why am I subjected to this? Her reply, "Because it's just too uncomfortable to end the friendship." It was one of the moments when there was nothing to say. What do you say to that? My comfort wasn't an issue obviously.
When you report abuse to a parent, you expect results. Well... I used to. People just don't like truth, even if it is killing someone else, they will avoid it. When you share truth, you have to realize there is a chance you will lose the relationship you have with the person who does not want to hear it. Like telling your spouse you are having an affair, truth they don't want to hear and great risk of losing the relationship.
I shared some truth recently and tonight realize the relationship is lost. It is what was almost over. It is over. I can't go into detail about what I shared, but I would compare it to telling a friend his business partner or even spouse was cheating. It seems so obvious to me and others. A lot of people have abandoned their friendships with this man because they can't stand watching what is happening to him. Deception is powerful. Who wants to hear they are being lied to? Shoot the messenger. The funny thing is this man has had an affair in his past and he knows about deception. Why he doesn't believe he can be deceived is beyond me.
The way I see it, is I would be more likely to end a friendship if my so called friend did not tell me I was being deceived. Apparently he does not feel the same. I asked God on the way home tonight, why? Why have I had so many instances of not being believed? He said it is part of having discernment, but it is mostly the enemy's plan.
Let's say my best friend's husband was having an affair. He grooms her. If he knows that I know and suspects I might tell, he discredits me. Then my triggered rage makes it worse because who believes a screaming lunatic. It is really hard seeing people deceived. It breaks my heart when they don't want to see it, refuse to see it. It ticks me off royally when they see it and do nothing. So God, what now? I feel done. There is nothing left to say.
He talked to me about the deception in the last days. He talked to me about false teachers, false Christians and the leviathan spirit. He reminded me of a conversation I had a few months ago with a Christian mentor. I asked, "Why would God put me through this, telling this man the truth, if God knew he was not going to listen?" He said, "One day he will stand before God and say he didn't know, but God will say I sent so and so and so and so." I pray he wakes up before he stands before God.
It feels good to be done. I feel relief. This subject, this friendship is closed. When God asks I will pray, but that is all I can do. I understand. Who wants to be deceived. The enemy may be smiling behind my friends back, but God is smiling behind his. I will go finish writing my book and exposing more lies. What God does with it, is not my concern.
“She let herself love me for three minutes.
Can three minutes last forever? I ask myself, but already know the answer.
Probably not, I reply. But maybe they last long enough.”
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger
God has been whispering, "It's almost over." My question, "What's almost over?" I have so much stuff going on that could be over. Today I believe I know what he was talking about and I thank Him it is finally over.
On the same subject of enabling the enemy, He brought to mind a few memories today. One occurred when I was still in my teens, I believe. My brother lived in a group home for mentally challenged adults, operated by an older couple. I had stopped by the home with my mom and met the man for the first time. As they talked I felt a familiar darkness. I had no proof, except what I would have called instinct at that time and discernment today, but I told her, "Get him out of there." She flashed me an irritated look, but confirmed my suspicion when she said my sister had said the same thing when she met him. I knew there was something downright evil in that house. Within maybe a couple months a call came in the middle of the night. Mom had to go pick him up because they were closing the home. The man was being arrested for raping the girls/women and abusing my brother for trying to call the police. I felt a little less crazy that day. How do you explain to people who don't have discernment, how you know what you know when you don't understand yourself.
That same brother was smarter than they gave him credit for. He would do things such as start mowing the lawn and then not want to finish. As Mom made me do it, he stood behind her and grinned, knowing he was getting away with it. She never believed me. This caused a lot of problems on top of all the problems I already had. Talk about feeling like I am never heard.
There is also the fact that my parents chose to stay friends with one of the men who abused me. There were times I came home to him and his wife having a beer or dinner with my parents. It was very uncomfortable and it wasn't until I found God that I spoke up about it when a picture of a few couples, including my abuser was pasted on my mom's fridge. Why am I subjected to this? Her reply, "Because it's just too uncomfortable to end the friendship." It was one of the moments when there was nothing to say. What do you say to that? My comfort wasn't an issue obviously.
When you report abuse to a parent, you expect results. Well... I used to. People just don't like truth, even if it is killing someone else, they will avoid it. When you share truth, you have to realize there is a chance you will lose the relationship you have with the person who does not want to hear it. Like telling your spouse you are having an affair, truth they don't want to hear and great risk of losing the relationship.
I shared some truth recently and tonight realize the relationship is lost. It is what was almost over. It is over. I can't go into detail about what I shared, but I would compare it to telling a friend his business partner or even spouse was cheating. It seems so obvious to me and others. A lot of people have abandoned their friendships with this man because they can't stand watching what is happening to him. Deception is powerful. Who wants to hear they are being lied to? Shoot the messenger. The funny thing is this man has had an affair in his past and he knows about deception. Why he doesn't believe he can be deceived is beyond me.
The way I see it, is I would be more likely to end a friendship if my so called friend did not tell me I was being deceived. Apparently he does not feel the same. I asked God on the way home tonight, why? Why have I had so many instances of not being believed? He said it is part of having discernment, but it is mostly the enemy's plan.
Let's say my best friend's husband was having an affair. He grooms her. If he knows that I know and suspects I might tell, he discredits me. Then my triggered rage makes it worse because who believes a screaming lunatic. It is really hard seeing people deceived. It breaks my heart when they don't want to see it, refuse to see it. It ticks me off royally when they see it and do nothing. So God, what now? I feel done. There is nothing left to say.
He talked to me about the deception in the last days. He talked to me about false teachers, false Christians and the leviathan spirit. He reminded me of a conversation I had a few months ago with a Christian mentor. I asked, "Why would God put me through this, telling this man the truth, if God knew he was not going to listen?" He said, "One day he will stand before God and say he didn't know, but God will say I sent so and so and so and so." I pray he wakes up before he stands before God.
It feels good to be done. I feel relief. This subject, this friendship is closed. When God asks I will pray, but that is all I can do. I understand. Who wants to be deceived. The enemy may be smiling behind my friends back, but God is smiling behind his. I will go finish writing my book and exposing more lies. What God does with it, is not my concern.
“She let herself love me for three minutes.
Can three minutes last forever? I ask myself, but already know the answer.
Probably not, I reply. But maybe they last long enough.”
― Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger
You better handle the truth
“Most hatred is based on fear, one way or another. Yeah. I wrapped myself in anger, with a dash of hate, and at the bottom of it all was an icy center of pure terror.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton,
The last 48 hours have been very interesting. So I touched on something, just a part of the lies that form the stronghold of rage. There are still more questions. I hope and pray that walking through this on this blog helps somebody, even one person will make the transparency worth it. I sat down with a friend last night, brought out a pencil and paper and wrote down all the different puzzle pieces the Lord is giving me. I have begged God to show me truth so I can be free of rage. To be free I have to know where this comes from.
One of the puzzle pieces is the whole POW system I totally identify with. I see a parallel in the 12 step program. I do believe there is a lot of good in this program, but there are a few things I don't see working. First of all to admit you are an addict is the first step and I believe should not be mentioned again, but in meetings they have you claim it over and over. "Hi, I am an addict." Life and death in our words applies here. As a matter of fact, tomorrow we bury yet another of my friends who died from their disease. She never found complete freedom after more than 20 years of trying to "work" the program. She was young and beautiful, leaving behind kids and grandkids. I have seen more die than I have seen find freedom. I see the 12 step program as sort of a purgatory. You are caught somewhere between heaven and hell, freedom and the disease. It only works if you work it is a true statement. Find the root of what is causing the addiction and face it. Face the truth. Why are we so afraid of the truth? Because the enemy wants us to be.
I see the 12 step program as a type of POW camp. You may be delivered from using, or should I say from the camp itself, but the bondage is still there. Dry drunk? Stepping out of the confines of years of abuse in a POW camp sets you free, technically. But the PTSD nightmares continue unless you address them, face the truth, get delivered from the demons and come to truly know your identity in Christ. You can survive for years after your release, but the nightmares continue until you find complete freedom from whatever drove you to the addiction.
Another piece the Lord has been talking to me about and I wrote on my list is confrontation. He has given me words for people about their bondage. Not an easy thing. I hate confrontation so I guess that's why He chose me. He wants us to work out the darkness with His light. There have been four different people He has sent me to. One had a spirit of distraction. The first thing the Lord did was had me observe this for quite awhile. Then He asked me if I had a spirit of distraction and honestly I am occasionally tormented by it, especially when He needs me to focus. I had to deal with that, ask forgiveness and so on. Then He had me tell her. It was actually awesome. She asked for help immediately and I along with two other people walked her through getting rid of the little tormentor. She went after truth. She didn't get stuck in the enemy's plan. She asked for truth and dealt with. She didn't mess with blame, shame, judgment, guilt, none of it. I was so thankful because confronting is so hard for me. I had to be willing to give up the friendship for the growth of both of us. There was one other who basically did the same thing. She called another friend for conformation and she went after truth. Again I was so thankful. I don't want to lose friends, but more importantly, I want growth and freedom for each of my friends as well as myself. I had to face the issue before I could bring it up to her. I also had to face that what ever they did with the word I was sent with was none of my business. God called me to give the word, offer help and walk away unless they asked me for that help. I do not ever want to confront anyone on any issue, because like I said, I do not like confrontation, but these two made it a lot easier than it could have been.
These two friends are not who God wanted to talk about as much as He wanted to talk about the two who didn't take it so well. They both accused me of screwed up thinking, doing the enemy's dirty work, and said I needed help. Well, we all need help, none of us is perfect, but the Lord wanted to talk about the fear of truth. I want the truth no matter how much it hurts. I will go after it. I have an anger issue with those who do not want the truth, complete freedom.
The next puzzle piece? I came across an article on a sex ring that was busted. Two of the men arrested had attempted to meet up with a 13 year old and a fourteen year old. They are in deep trouble for this, high bail and serious charges. My first thought was how I would like to forward the article to those who sexually abused me after the age of thirteen. Why? I wanted to prove to them that this was still young enough to be considered child rape and how blessed they are to have never spent a night in jail. Why did I need to prove this? It came out in my conversation last night with my friend. Because of comments made to me years ago, I have always struggled with this. Because I was thrown into adult roles in other areas of my life, I felt I should have been old enough to "know better". I should have said "No". Even writing this, defensiveness rises up in me. I feel like I have to defend myself. The article plainly showed me that theses ages are still considered children. When I look at kids who are 13 and 14 I see it. I would never hold them responsible, but the enemy has used the words of others to cause me to struggle with this lie that I am somehow responsible.
Another puzzle piece the Lord laid before me was from a book my counselor had me read. At the time I hated it. I called it "The Stupid Book" and passed it on to the pastor to read. I wish I had it right now. The book spoke about our vision of who God is before the abuse and our relationship with our abuser BEFORE the abuse. These things play a huge role in the severity of the damage done by the abuse. A child raped by his or her father is traumatized more than a child raped by an acquaintance. I am in no way minimizing the affects of rape by a stranger or acquaintance, but there is a difference in the trauma. Rape is traumatic no matter who the rapist is in relation to the victim, but the trust built up before the rape adds to the trauma. We hear so often of grooming, otherwise known as trust building. The abuser convinces the victim they are special to them. This adds to the trauma. This trust and then trauma damages... steals the victims identity. When someone you trust hurts you deeply and then does not even acknowledge any wrong doing and even accuses you of wrongdoing it is devastating and can completely destroy your ability to trust. Even when you do trust someone, you wait and expect they will fail.
Anger is a secondary emotion brought on by fear or hurt or possibly other things. God told me my anger stemmed from fear. I thought about the last outbursts. I saw fight and flight results in both, from both the person involved and myself. Sometimes it is best to take flight to protect from further abuse. But sometimes flight is used to avoid the truth.
This morning, I woke with the song "Forgiven" by Brian Johnson from Bethel playing in my head. After listening to it a couple times, I turned my attention back to the enablers - what is the fear? It was obvious to see the fear of being unloved, unwanted, and insignificant. But I knew there was more. I thought about it, I prayed about it, I cried about it. God show me, what is the issue and how do I end this rage.
I walked down to the car to get something, talking to God all the way and as I reached into the car, I asked, "What is causing this deep anger?" Then He answered, "Your deepest fear." What could be deeper than the fear of being unloved, unwanted and insignificant? Most victims of abuse have a deep fear of becoming like their abuser. An enabler? Am I afraid of becoming an enabler? Yes, but it is not big enough to cause rage, right? Then He asked, "Who were they enabling?" They were enabling Satan.
Ephesians 6:12 (ASV)
12 For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
My biggest fear is to find out I am enabling Satan. God said the fear is affecting my ministry and He has to bring this out of me. I know this may sound a little harsh, enabling Satan, but going back over the things He has been showing me, it is the same evil beheading children that is behind gossip, behind eating a cheeseburger instead of salad. We all enable Satan to a degree. The enabling I am talking about is where others are getting hurt deeply. When we know what the enemy is doing and do nothing we are taking his side. We are working against God if He shows us something that needs to be taken care of, stopped, or done and we don't do it. This is exactly what throws me into a rage, when disobedience to God causes harm to others.
Maybe my feelings are so strong, because since conception the enemy has been in total control of my life and he has made it a living hell. The abuse alone, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal was more than enough to hate Satan, but when people who are in a role that is supposed to protect or have committed to protect others and then out of pure selfishness don't... yes, I get really angry. I am not one to sit and watch a parent abuse their child, I am not willing to walk away when a man or woman is beating their significant other, and I sure won't sit back and watch Satan himself get a jab in at anyone if the Lord has asked me to step in. The Lord expects us to become like Him and we are not doing that if we are not looking at the darkness in us, our behavior, how the enemy is holding us in bondage, separating the truth from lies. To stay lukewarm is to team up with the enemy. I for one do not want to be spewed.
I understand this all takes time and should be done in the Lord's timing, but if it's been revealed to you, it's His timing. I have noticed God is picking up the pace and I'm not talking picante sauce. He is accelerating the healing and overall growth of those who are willing. I don't hold people responsible who do not know. I have no problem with working at a very slow pace and even backsliding. I do become enraged when a person knows that God wants them to face something and not doing it causes harm to others. That hacks me off.
Yes, there are occasions when it's not God, but we are responsible for checking. When you get a word that is meant for your healing or growth, you need to check it. The enemy will do one of two things - convince you it's not true or beat you up and make it sound worse than it is. I can watch somebody struggle with a demon if the Lord tells me not to say anything. I pray for them. But quoting from "A Few Good Men" if "You can't handle the truth" that is probably a lie from the enemy. Jesus is the Truth and He will walk you through it as fast as you are willing to go. To not face truth is to believe the lie and we all know who is the father of lies - all lies, even the little white ones.
“But on Kwajalein, the guards sought to deprive them of something that had sustained them even as all else had been lost: dignity. This self-respect and sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of humanness; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cleaved from, and cast below, mankind.”
― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Book of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
― Laurell K. Hamilton,
The last 48 hours have been very interesting. So I touched on something, just a part of the lies that form the stronghold of rage. There are still more questions. I hope and pray that walking through this on this blog helps somebody, even one person will make the transparency worth it. I sat down with a friend last night, brought out a pencil and paper and wrote down all the different puzzle pieces the Lord is giving me. I have begged God to show me truth so I can be free of rage. To be free I have to know where this comes from.
One of the puzzle pieces is the whole POW system I totally identify with. I see a parallel in the 12 step program. I do believe there is a lot of good in this program, but there are a few things I don't see working. First of all to admit you are an addict is the first step and I believe should not be mentioned again, but in meetings they have you claim it over and over. "Hi, I am an addict." Life and death in our words applies here. As a matter of fact, tomorrow we bury yet another of my friends who died from their disease. She never found complete freedom after more than 20 years of trying to "work" the program. She was young and beautiful, leaving behind kids and grandkids. I have seen more die than I have seen find freedom. I see the 12 step program as sort of a purgatory. You are caught somewhere between heaven and hell, freedom and the disease. It only works if you work it is a true statement. Find the root of what is causing the addiction and face it. Face the truth. Why are we so afraid of the truth? Because the enemy wants us to be.
I see the 12 step program as a type of POW camp. You may be delivered from using, or should I say from the camp itself, but the bondage is still there. Dry drunk? Stepping out of the confines of years of abuse in a POW camp sets you free, technically. But the PTSD nightmares continue unless you address them, face the truth, get delivered from the demons and come to truly know your identity in Christ. You can survive for years after your release, but the nightmares continue until you find complete freedom from whatever drove you to the addiction.
Another piece the Lord has been talking to me about and I wrote on my list is confrontation. He has given me words for people about their bondage. Not an easy thing. I hate confrontation so I guess that's why He chose me. He wants us to work out the darkness with His light. There have been four different people He has sent me to. One had a spirit of distraction. The first thing the Lord did was had me observe this for quite awhile. Then He asked me if I had a spirit of distraction and honestly I am occasionally tormented by it, especially when He needs me to focus. I had to deal with that, ask forgiveness and so on. Then He had me tell her. It was actually awesome. She asked for help immediately and I along with two other people walked her through getting rid of the little tormentor. She went after truth. She didn't get stuck in the enemy's plan. She asked for truth and dealt with. She didn't mess with blame, shame, judgment, guilt, none of it. I was so thankful because confronting is so hard for me. I had to be willing to give up the friendship for the growth of both of us. There was one other who basically did the same thing. She called another friend for conformation and she went after truth. Again I was so thankful. I don't want to lose friends, but more importantly, I want growth and freedom for each of my friends as well as myself. I had to face the issue before I could bring it up to her. I also had to face that what ever they did with the word I was sent with was none of my business. God called me to give the word, offer help and walk away unless they asked me for that help. I do not ever want to confront anyone on any issue, because like I said, I do not like confrontation, but these two made it a lot easier than it could have been.
These two friends are not who God wanted to talk about as much as He wanted to talk about the two who didn't take it so well. They both accused me of screwed up thinking, doing the enemy's dirty work, and said I needed help. Well, we all need help, none of us is perfect, but the Lord wanted to talk about the fear of truth. I want the truth no matter how much it hurts. I will go after it. I have an anger issue with those who do not want the truth, complete freedom.
The next puzzle piece? I came across an article on a sex ring that was busted. Two of the men arrested had attempted to meet up with a 13 year old and a fourteen year old. They are in deep trouble for this, high bail and serious charges. My first thought was how I would like to forward the article to those who sexually abused me after the age of thirteen. Why? I wanted to prove to them that this was still young enough to be considered child rape and how blessed they are to have never spent a night in jail. Why did I need to prove this? It came out in my conversation last night with my friend. Because of comments made to me years ago, I have always struggled with this. Because I was thrown into adult roles in other areas of my life, I felt I should have been old enough to "know better". I should have said "No". Even writing this, defensiveness rises up in me. I feel like I have to defend myself. The article plainly showed me that theses ages are still considered children. When I look at kids who are 13 and 14 I see it. I would never hold them responsible, but the enemy has used the words of others to cause me to struggle with this lie that I am somehow responsible.
Another puzzle piece the Lord laid before me was from a book my counselor had me read. At the time I hated it. I called it "The Stupid Book" and passed it on to the pastor to read. I wish I had it right now. The book spoke about our vision of who God is before the abuse and our relationship with our abuser BEFORE the abuse. These things play a huge role in the severity of the damage done by the abuse. A child raped by his or her father is traumatized more than a child raped by an acquaintance. I am in no way minimizing the affects of rape by a stranger or acquaintance, but there is a difference in the trauma. Rape is traumatic no matter who the rapist is in relation to the victim, but the trust built up before the rape adds to the trauma. We hear so often of grooming, otherwise known as trust building. The abuser convinces the victim they are special to them. This adds to the trauma. This trust and then trauma damages... steals the victims identity. When someone you trust hurts you deeply and then does not even acknowledge any wrong doing and even accuses you of wrongdoing it is devastating and can completely destroy your ability to trust. Even when you do trust someone, you wait and expect they will fail.
Anger is a secondary emotion brought on by fear or hurt or possibly other things. God told me my anger stemmed from fear. I thought about the last outbursts. I saw fight and flight results in both, from both the person involved and myself. Sometimes it is best to take flight to protect from further abuse. But sometimes flight is used to avoid the truth.
This morning, I woke with the song "Forgiven" by Brian Johnson from Bethel playing in my head. After listening to it a couple times, I turned my attention back to the enablers - what is the fear? It was obvious to see the fear of being unloved, unwanted, and insignificant. But I knew there was more. I thought about it, I prayed about it, I cried about it. God show me, what is the issue and how do I end this rage.
I walked down to the car to get something, talking to God all the way and as I reached into the car, I asked, "What is causing this deep anger?" Then He answered, "Your deepest fear." What could be deeper than the fear of being unloved, unwanted and insignificant? Most victims of abuse have a deep fear of becoming like their abuser. An enabler? Am I afraid of becoming an enabler? Yes, but it is not big enough to cause rage, right? Then He asked, "Who were they enabling?" They were enabling Satan.
Ephesians 6:12 (ASV)
12 For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
My biggest fear is to find out I am enabling Satan. God said the fear is affecting my ministry and He has to bring this out of me. I know this may sound a little harsh, enabling Satan, but going back over the things He has been showing me, it is the same evil beheading children that is behind gossip, behind eating a cheeseburger instead of salad. We all enable Satan to a degree. The enabling I am talking about is where others are getting hurt deeply. When we know what the enemy is doing and do nothing we are taking his side. We are working against God if He shows us something that needs to be taken care of, stopped, or done and we don't do it. This is exactly what throws me into a rage, when disobedience to God causes harm to others.
Maybe my feelings are so strong, because since conception the enemy has been in total control of my life and he has made it a living hell. The abuse alone, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal was more than enough to hate Satan, but when people who are in a role that is supposed to protect or have committed to protect others and then out of pure selfishness don't... yes, I get really angry. I am not one to sit and watch a parent abuse their child, I am not willing to walk away when a man or woman is beating their significant other, and I sure won't sit back and watch Satan himself get a jab in at anyone if the Lord has asked me to step in. The Lord expects us to become like Him and we are not doing that if we are not looking at the darkness in us, our behavior, how the enemy is holding us in bondage, separating the truth from lies. To stay lukewarm is to team up with the enemy. I for one do not want to be spewed.
I understand this all takes time and should be done in the Lord's timing, but if it's been revealed to you, it's His timing. I have noticed God is picking up the pace and I'm not talking picante sauce. He is accelerating the healing and overall growth of those who are willing. I don't hold people responsible who do not know. I have no problem with working at a very slow pace and even backsliding. I do become enraged when a person knows that God wants them to face something and not doing it causes harm to others. That hacks me off.
Yes, there are occasions when it's not God, but we are responsible for checking. When you get a word that is meant for your healing or growth, you need to check it. The enemy will do one of two things - convince you it's not true or beat you up and make it sound worse than it is. I can watch somebody struggle with a demon if the Lord tells me not to say anything. I pray for them. But quoting from "A Few Good Men" if "You can't handle the truth" that is probably a lie from the enemy. Jesus is the Truth and He will walk you through it as fast as you are willing to go. To not face truth is to believe the lie and we all know who is the father of lies - all lies, even the little white ones.
“But on Kwajalein, the guards sought to deprive them of something that had sustained them even as all else had been lost: dignity. This self-respect and sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of humanness; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cleaved from, and cast below, mankind.”
― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Book of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Unbroken - Unhealed
“You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”
― Anne Lamott
In the Christian journey there are often things that slow our progression. Sometimes it's just a change in the ground we are walking on and it takes an adjustment in the shoes we wear and other times there is a fence we can see God through, even touch Him, but our ability to move forward is hampered. Then there are those times when a thick cement wall towers so high over us that the thought of giving up is scribbled on our list of options. When I asked ... no, I told God I was finished, I was resigned to the back row of church... no, no, I don't even want to step into a church, I was too tired to keep fighting, and He handed me a pencil. I parked my car on a scenic turnout, looked out over the water and drummed that pencil on the steering wheel. My ambition to write was not as big as the jumbled mess of thoughts and confusion pulsating in my head. Was it worth it? Do I have the strength? I would rather read about somebody else overcoming the giant. Then I was reminded of a book I had purchased over two years ago at the suggestion of a pastor the Lord had sent with a word for me. "Unbroken" I wasn't sure if it was fact or fiction, but it wasn't my story and I was willing to lose myself in it, rather than face that unbroken, not even cracked wall. And that book just happened to be in my trunk.
Since I was very very young I have always had a temper. I can rage like no other. In fact I have several times in my life gone into a blind rage and totally forgotten what I had done. In the last three years of seeking God I have all but beaten that raging temper... until... suddenly two different people in my life sent me over that edge again. I couldn't control my tongue, I lashed out in words I hoped cut them to their very heart. Okay, there must be reason. Within weeks of each other these two people seemed to pick me up and throw me all the way back to the starting line. Did I really want to hike that whole trail again? Nope. I would rather escape into the life of what's his name ... Louis Zamperini ... Olympic athlete and POW. Let the wall stand.
I sat along that highway and read for hours. I got lost in his story. I understood him. The more I read the more I "got" him. The one person who read my story from beginning to end said something like this, "I just wanted something good to happen. It was one thing after another. Every time I thought it would turn around, something bad would happen." That was how I felt reading Louis' story. How does this guy keep going? Even after being set free, it seemed it was one thing after another. I understood the pencil now, cause I was marking up the book with arrows, little stars and a list of page numbers to go back to. Then I read a line in the book that shook me. I had to read it several times. "Without dignity, identity is erased." There was more, "Dignity is as essential to human life as water, food, and oxygen. The stubborn retention of it, even in the face of extreme physical hardship, can hold a man's soul in his body long past the point at which the body should have surrendered it.” Immediately I realized this is the enemy's goal, to steal our identity. If there is one thing Christ wants us to know is who we are in Him. If there is one thing the enemy does not want us to know is who we are in Christ.
I had called together a couple friends to help me walk through this whole anger thing I thought I had beaten. We spent hours on a Saturday morning, forgiving, breaking soul ties, exposing lies and seeking truth. I got a lot out of it, but the big "Aha!!" moment came a week or so later when we met again to minister to another and as we gathered our stuff to leave I spit out the question, "Why? Why is it these two people can throw me into such a rage after all the work I have done?" Just as though she was telling me what she had for breakfast, one friend spit out the words that caused a crack in the wall. "They continue to enable the abuse."
For weeks now I have been tearing this apart. Yes, they do continue to enable the abuse but there is more to this. Many times I have been asked, why the person who could have protected the victim is more hated than the one who committed the abuse. I kept thinking back to the POW's and how the enemy continued to steal their dignity. What kept them going? What kept me going? When you know that somebody who is supposed to protect you knows about the abuse, be it sexual, emotional, physical, verbal, doesn't matter, once they know we expect to be saved from it. We can believe the person abusing us is messed up and wrong. There is a part of us that says, when my Dad or Mom, Pastor, Husband, big brother, whomever, finds out, you are in big trouble Mister. Then it happens, they find out and they do nothing. That is when the big spear of "You don't matter" is thrust through our very soul. I thought I mattered to someone.
Then it hit me, God is an enabler. He enables all kinds of abuse. He is the ultimate enabler. There are people starving, being sexually abused, physically abused, beheaded, raped and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows about it. He does nothing. Why? Free will. What is the difference between God enabling and a parent, friend or pastor? They don't get to claim the free will card. That is not right. So why does He? Because He is God does not bring me any peace. This is one of those moments while driving that I know God has something for me to see and the enemy is dancing around screaming so I can't hear God.
Okay, back to the beginning. How does the enemy steal identity? What do we need to be secure in who we are? Love? Food? Shelter? Protection? When we are denied basic provision, we tend to do whatever it takes to get what we need. After years of deprivation we are suspicious of those who try to give it to us freely. The enemy really knows what he is doing here. Through abuse he fills us with lies of shame. He fills us with lies about blame. He tells us we are unloved, that we don't matter. But still, what about the enabler part? Why does God enable? Why does He allow abuse? Then it hit me... the lie ... we see the lies about shame, blame, guilt, etc., but the root of all lies is about the basics. The lie fed to us, even through psychology is that we need to be fed, sheltered, and protected to acquire our identity. That is true if all we want is an earthly identity. Untrue if our identity is in Christ. Taking our dignity does not take our identity in Christ. It may take our identity if our identity is found in things of this world. True identity and even dignity is found in Christ. Earthly dignity is taken through circumstances and wounded people. In some cases people who do not know their identity in Christ, people who are deeply wounded, want to take the identity of others. Nobody can take our identity if it is in Christ.
I have often wondered how people like Dietrich Bonhoeffer could walk to the gallows with such words as "This is the end - for me the beginning of life." I always thought of him as a brave man, but now I see him differently. Bonhoeffer was a man who knew his identity. In the book "Tortured for Christ" Pastor Richard Wurmbrand talks of Martyrs taking beatings for those men who could not take any more. I thought of him as a hero. Now I think of him as someone who knows his identity in Christ. I want to be so sure of who I am in Christ that I could kneel, knowing I was about to die and overcome any fleshly fear, knowing I was about to see Jesus. A true martyr knows that any pain inflicted on him or her, no matter how severe is coming from a wounded person, and has absolutely nothing to do with his or her true identity.
Go and make disciples of them has a whole knew meaning. Not only do we tell them who they are, but we don't stop until they know their identity. We erase all the lies. God loves the homeless, God loves the starving, God loves the raped, beaten, and prisoners. God even loves the enabler. I have to believe it is only because of their own wounds that a human being could, would allow abuse of another. I have to believe that they are believing the lies of the enemy.
To feed the hungry, to protect a child, to shelter the homeless, are acts of love, but if we don't do these things, it is not because we don't love, but because we are unable, either financially, maybe geographically, or because we are broken.
The Lord did not stop here. He has spent several months now showing me more of the enemy's schemes. I thought a lot about the title of the book "Unbroken". I wanted to be able to say I was unbroken, but it was not so. I have broken down several times and said "I quit." I have even begged God to take me home, "I am not doing any good here." Then the Lord whispered, "When looking for lost dignity, many will pick up pride by mistake." Ha. "Unbroken" They didn't break me. When we find our dignity, our identity in things of the world, the Lord takes us to a place of brokenness, so we can be corrected in where we find it. Some of us who are extremely stubborn must be taken to a place of having nothing. When you can be hungry, homeless, beaten and abandoned and still reach for Abba, you will find your identity. When your dignity and identity are in the things you have accomplished, the titles you wear, your reputation, your financial success, you have mistakenly picked up pride. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by thy name, and by thy name cast out demons, and by thy name do many mighty works? (Matthew 7:22) We did not break, we built big churches, we fed the hungry, etc. etc. sounds like pride. And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. (Matthew 7:23) You picked up pride instead of your dignity, your true identity.
In the end Louis Zamperini was broken. He found his identity and thus his dignity. He was an amazing man and I enjoyed his story more than most. He is one I look forward to meeting.
“In a single, silent moment, his rage, his fear, his humiliation and helplessness, had fallen away. That morning, he believed, he was a new creation. Softly, he wept.”
― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Book of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
― Anne Lamott
In the Christian journey there are often things that slow our progression. Sometimes it's just a change in the ground we are walking on and it takes an adjustment in the shoes we wear and other times there is a fence we can see God through, even touch Him, but our ability to move forward is hampered. Then there are those times when a thick cement wall towers so high over us that the thought of giving up is scribbled on our list of options. When I asked ... no, I told God I was finished, I was resigned to the back row of church... no, no, I don't even want to step into a church, I was too tired to keep fighting, and He handed me a pencil. I parked my car on a scenic turnout, looked out over the water and drummed that pencil on the steering wheel. My ambition to write was not as big as the jumbled mess of thoughts and confusion pulsating in my head. Was it worth it? Do I have the strength? I would rather read about somebody else overcoming the giant. Then I was reminded of a book I had purchased over two years ago at the suggestion of a pastor the Lord had sent with a word for me. "Unbroken" I wasn't sure if it was fact or fiction, but it wasn't my story and I was willing to lose myself in it, rather than face that unbroken, not even cracked wall. And that book just happened to be in my trunk.
Since I was very very young I have always had a temper. I can rage like no other. In fact I have several times in my life gone into a blind rage and totally forgotten what I had done. In the last three years of seeking God I have all but beaten that raging temper... until... suddenly two different people in my life sent me over that edge again. I couldn't control my tongue, I lashed out in words I hoped cut them to their very heart. Okay, there must be reason. Within weeks of each other these two people seemed to pick me up and throw me all the way back to the starting line. Did I really want to hike that whole trail again? Nope. I would rather escape into the life of what's his name ... Louis Zamperini ... Olympic athlete and POW. Let the wall stand.
I sat along that highway and read for hours. I got lost in his story. I understood him. The more I read the more I "got" him. The one person who read my story from beginning to end said something like this, "I just wanted something good to happen. It was one thing after another. Every time I thought it would turn around, something bad would happen." That was how I felt reading Louis' story. How does this guy keep going? Even after being set free, it seemed it was one thing after another. I understood the pencil now, cause I was marking up the book with arrows, little stars and a list of page numbers to go back to. Then I read a line in the book that shook me. I had to read it several times. "Without dignity, identity is erased." There was more, "Dignity is as essential to human life as water, food, and oxygen. The stubborn retention of it, even in the face of extreme physical hardship, can hold a man's soul in his body long past the point at which the body should have surrendered it.” Immediately I realized this is the enemy's goal, to steal our identity. If there is one thing Christ wants us to know is who we are in Him. If there is one thing the enemy does not want us to know is who we are in Christ.
I had called together a couple friends to help me walk through this whole anger thing I thought I had beaten. We spent hours on a Saturday morning, forgiving, breaking soul ties, exposing lies and seeking truth. I got a lot out of it, but the big "Aha!!" moment came a week or so later when we met again to minister to another and as we gathered our stuff to leave I spit out the question, "Why? Why is it these two people can throw me into such a rage after all the work I have done?" Just as though she was telling me what she had for breakfast, one friend spit out the words that caused a crack in the wall. "They continue to enable the abuse."
For weeks now I have been tearing this apart. Yes, they do continue to enable the abuse but there is more to this. Many times I have been asked, why the person who could have protected the victim is more hated than the one who committed the abuse. I kept thinking back to the POW's and how the enemy continued to steal their dignity. What kept them going? What kept me going? When you know that somebody who is supposed to protect you knows about the abuse, be it sexual, emotional, physical, verbal, doesn't matter, once they know we expect to be saved from it. We can believe the person abusing us is messed up and wrong. There is a part of us that says, when my Dad or Mom, Pastor, Husband, big brother, whomever, finds out, you are in big trouble Mister. Then it happens, they find out and they do nothing. That is when the big spear of "You don't matter" is thrust through our very soul. I thought I mattered to someone.
Then it hit me, God is an enabler. He enables all kinds of abuse. He is the ultimate enabler. There are people starving, being sexually abused, physically abused, beheaded, raped and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows about it. He does nothing. Why? Free will. What is the difference between God enabling and a parent, friend or pastor? They don't get to claim the free will card. That is not right. So why does He? Because He is God does not bring me any peace. This is one of those moments while driving that I know God has something for me to see and the enemy is dancing around screaming so I can't hear God.
Okay, back to the beginning. How does the enemy steal identity? What do we need to be secure in who we are? Love? Food? Shelter? Protection? When we are denied basic provision, we tend to do whatever it takes to get what we need. After years of deprivation we are suspicious of those who try to give it to us freely. The enemy really knows what he is doing here. Through abuse he fills us with lies of shame. He fills us with lies about blame. He tells us we are unloved, that we don't matter. But still, what about the enabler part? Why does God enable? Why does He allow abuse? Then it hit me... the lie ... we see the lies about shame, blame, guilt, etc., but the root of all lies is about the basics. The lie fed to us, even through psychology is that we need to be fed, sheltered, and protected to acquire our identity. That is true if all we want is an earthly identity. Untrue if our identity is in Christ. Taking our dignity does not take our identity in Christ. It may take our identity if our identity is found in things of this world. True identity and even dignity is found in Christ. Earthly dignity is taken through circumstances and wounded people. In some cases people who do not know their identity in Christ, people who are deeply wounded, want to take the identity of others. Nobody can take our identity if it is in Christ.
I have often wondered how people like Dietrich Bonhoeffer could walk to the gallows with such words as "This is the end - for me the beginning of life." I always thought of him as a brave man, but now I see him differently. Bonhoeffer was a man who knew his identity. In the book "Tortured for Christ" Pastor Richard Wurmbrand talks of Martyrs taking beatings for those men who could not take any more. I thought of him as a hero. Now I think of him as someone who knows his identity in Christ. I want to be so sure of who I am in Christ that I could kneel, knowing I was about to die and overcome any fleshly fear, knowing I was about to see Jesus. A true martyr knows that any pain inflicted on him or her, no matter how severe is coming from a wounded person, and has absolutely nothing to do with his or her true identity.
Go and make disciples of them has a whole knew meaning. Not only do we tell them who they are, but we don't stop until they know their identity. We erase all the lies. God loves the homeless, God loves the starving, God loves the raped, beaten, and prisoners. God even loves the enabler. I have to believe it is only because of their own wounds that a human being could, would allow abuse of another. I have to believe that they are believing the lies of the enemy.
To feed the hungry, to protect a child, to shelter the homeless, are acts of love, but if we don't do these things, it is not because we don't love, but because we are unable, either financially, maybe geographically, or because we are broken.
The Lord did not stop here. He has spent several months now showing me more of the enemy's schemes. I thought a lot about the title of the book "Unbroken". I wanted to be able to say I was unbroken, but it was not so. I have broken down several times and said "I quit." I have even begged God to take me home, "I am not doing any good here." Then the Lord whispered, "When looking for lost dignity, many will pick up pride by mistake." Ha. "Unbroken" They didn't break me. When we find our dignity, our identity in things of the world, the Lord takes us to a place of brokenness, so we can be corrected in where we find it. Some of us who are extremely stubborn must be taken to a place of having nothing. When you can be hungry, homeless, beaten and abandoned and still reach for Abba, you will find your identity. When your dignity and identity are in the things you have accomplished, the titles you wear, your reputation, your financial success, you have mistakenly picked up pride. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by thy name, and by thy name cast out demons, and by thy name do many mighty works? (Matthew 7:22) We did not break, we built big churches, we fed the hungry, etc. etc. sounds like pride. And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. (Matthew 7:23) You picked up pride instead of your dignity, your true identity.
In the end Louis Zamperini was broken. He found his identity and thus his dignity. He was an amazing man and I enjoyed his story more than most. He is one I look forward to meeting.
“In a single, silent moment, his rage, his fear, his humiliation and helplessness, had fallen away. That morning, he believed, he was a new creation. Softly, he wept.”
― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Book of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
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