One year

“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?


     Over the last two days, I have been reflecting on the last year.  Exactly one year ago I sat in front of a church and told my whole story.  I shared everything, from the town I was raised in to the demons who had most recently been kicked out of my house.  I didn't hold back.  Why?  Because I truly believed that there was somebody out there who needed to hear each situation I was put in or I put others in.  I was honest.  I talked about my abusive ways, my anger, my addictions, my hurt.  It was actually amazing.  Several times I have gotten the feeling that I should not have done it.  If I say that to other people, they bring up how many people stepped forward and asked for help.  Yeah, that was good.  People got help.  But how many didn't?  How many had their lives spiral out of control afterwards?
     I have come to the conclusion that I was not ready.  It is one thing to share on a blog where you can keep a little bit of anonymity.  I had been locked in my house with God, demons and a pastor via email for over a year.  I talked to very few people and it was when I was ready.  Since I told my story, thinks went crazy.  I go for a few months thinking everything is okay and then I get hit with the old stuff and I don't know how to deal with it.
     There were very few people I could hug, but suddenly I found my right to refuse a hug was taken.  I do okay most of the time, but there are days when it's still impossible.  The most difficult part of this is that I may be able to hug one person, but not the next.  How do you refuse a hug when they just saw you hug someone else.  This kind of stuff and the things God is showing me, make it more difficult to deal with people.  I feel like it's all caught up with me a year later. 
     The other night I went to a worship service.  The presence of spirits that have attacked me in the past was strong.  I spent most of the service praying protection over all of us.  The attack was stronger than I had experienced in quite some time and as I tried to make my escape, it happened.  Some one I did not want a hug from reached out.  The enemy jumped right in, "Good Christians love others.  You can't refuse somebody a hug."  And the little kid in me who has been forced to physically touch against her will came out.  Anger.  Self protection.  Why?  Why?  After all this time does she still show up?  Why can't she just shut up and do what's expected? 
     A friend was driving me home so we drove through a fast food drive through.  After we ordered, I stepped out of the car.  The darkness was very heavy all around me.  Suddenly my foot was twisted under me and even after I thought I caught my balance, I went down.  I felt that familiar darkness that I haven't been faced with for months and months.  Why now?  I limped my way around the building praying away anything not of God.  We prayed all the way home.  Had I opened the door to it, or was it just that angry with me.  That morning, the Lord had set me free from a troubling situation and I was quite happy about it.  Hours later I'm under a very dark attack.  It made sense.  The enemy hates our freedom.
     The next morning we drove to a church I had never attended.  This church was on fire and a few people I knew were there so I felt pretty comfortable.  It was a wild two hour service with awesome music and I totally enjoyed watching everyone worship.  I could feel the Lord's pleasure in watching His kids love Him through worship.  Then it happened.  Why am I not like them?  Do I not really love you, God?  What is wrong with me?  Why after all this time do I still feel alone and different?  Then I heard the Lord in my heart, "I know you love me.  Your obedience shows your love."  So then what is wrong with me?  Why am I not like these people?  "Because they receive My love.  You haven't learned to receive it."  I can receive conviction, discipline, and even peace.  Why can't I receive love?  Because it's always been a lie or it's stopped.  When I realize somebody loves me, I seriously wait for the day it ends.  I expect it.
     When you get up and tell your story in front of hundreds of people, you first have to be healed.  You can't step out of a dark closet and just because you share your history, you are miraculously healed.  In the last year, I have found out there was more abuse.  I have worked hard on the abuse issues, but the enemy has made sure, I have less trust in people than I did a year ago.  I have hurt more in the last year than I have had joy.  Facing the truth is very difficult, but facing it in front of an audience is impossible.  Anger?  Up until a few months ago, I still went on a few tirades.  One time it was because I was facing doing something the Lord had asked and I knew I was supposed to do, but I was scared.  When I am scared, I go to my safe place which happens to be my room and I hide.  I cut off the outside world and I hide.  I knew I would get up the next morning and do what I was supposed to do, but for that night, I needed to be alone with God.  That would have worked, before I told my story, but all of a sudden, I had friends who waned to know I was okay.  There was nothing I could have said, to convince them to just leave me be and I will be okay tomorrow.  Then three of them showed up and invaded my safe place.  There was no way they could have known what they were doing.  I just wanted them gone.  When you tell somebody to leave your house, they should go, whether they are a believer or not.  I sat down with two of them later and explained what it feels like to not be safe.  It had nothing to do with them.  It's a survival method.  I am not totally healed.  So, what did the enemy do with that?  He made me look like a lunatic with my anger.  It was not an abusive anger it was a survival anger.  One thing I have learned over the last year even meeting a lot of genuine and awesome people is that there are snakes out there too. 
     So, driving home from the church service on Sunday, talking to God about why I can't receive His love, He explained a few things.  First, is how deep shame runs through us.  Abused never feel worthy.  Right now, I'm not sure they ever can.  The enemy starts when we are young to implant that in us.  When somebody says you are bad, it speaks right to that little girl who always believed it was true.  It doesn't matter how many nice things they ever said.  If I don't receive love, I won't be hurt when it stops.  It always stops.  God has told me He is my defender and I am not to defend myself, but I have to say after 46 years of being a total mess and never facing anything, it could just take more than a couple years to get this straight.  I trust God to put food on my table, start my car, and heal others who are sick.  He promised that.  I am still working on Him loving me.  Even with all the amazing things I have seen over the last year, I have seen some pretty ugly stuff too.  I have had some of the moments of pain that the air just leaves your body and your legs go weak.  God has placed some really good people in my life, and I have seen miracles happen.  This last year has been full of amazing moments.  But there are others that are so painful, I really can't say they don't out weigh the good.  I hear God.  He talks to me all the time.  Sometimes, my flesh gets louder than God.  I have to wonder, I have to believe it was flesh that told me I was ready for my story to be out there.  It's out there for the whole world to see.  I want it back.  God has used it to do awesome things for others.  Am I selfish to say I have seen the enemy do some serious damage with it?  He has made sure I regret that day.  To do His will you have to be willing to pay the cost and many times, I have thought I was willing.  I have obeyed every time I believe He spoke to me.  But, I see why my story, written out in a book is still sitting in a box.  I am not strong enough.  And the enemy knows that.  So do those working for him.  He has won a lot of battles this year.  What hurts the most, the believer's who cheered him on. 
     Your testimony is a powerful tool.  My advice, make sure you are ready for it to be in the hands of the enemy.  God has showed me a lot of ugly stuff in the spiritual realm.  Sometimes it's hard to separate the enemy from the pawn he is using. 


“Every source of blessing is a point of attack.”
― David McGee


“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
― Erma Bombeck

Whew, what stinks?

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 


     Typical day in the life... Ha.  Sitting here on the couch, not sure what to do with my time.  I'm staring into the kitchen wondering what that awful smell is.  Yep, it's something in the fridge.  Stinks.  It's been there over the last couple days.  It didn't stink one day and the next day, it was overwhelming.  What happened?  We pulled out what we thought it was and threw it in the garbage... outside.  Wow, that wasn't it.
     We take turns digging around in there, sure we have found it, throw it away.  NOPE.  Still stinks.  This doesn't even make sense.  Who has this much questionable food in their refrigerator?  I HATE a stinking fridge.   
     Then the Lord says to me, "It's like a heart."  What?  Do you want to explain that a little further, because I don't want my heart smelling like that.  Aww, I get it.  The fridge is where we keep His words.  Food for our soul.  We have to put fresh food in and pull the old rotting stuff out.  Hmm.  If you leave it in there every time somebody opens the door all those around us get knocked over with the smell.  There is a light in there for a reason.  Many as kids have tried to see if the light stays on when the door is closed.  The light should always be shining on the bad things in there so we can find them and throw them out. 
     Hmm, now what?  Movie or nap?  Heal my fridge? 

“The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man    

The Cure for Cancer

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
― Mark Twain

     Many times over the last two years the Lord will put a situation in front of me that runs parallel to what I am dealing with at the time.  He will use someone close enough to me, that I am able to feel the pain, yet far enough away that I can look at the situation objectively.  The situation this time is one of rejection.  A woman I care about, deeply is losing her mother to cancer.  This woman's mother has rejected her, her whole life.  What I see is a woman so full of bitterness it has turned into cancer, and it's eating away at her from the inside out.  I would imagine someone facing death would be reaching out to make amends and to end lifelong hurts and grudges, but instead she is hanging on to her bitterness like a security blanket and hurting her daughter in a way that could cause the same bitterness to grow in her body.
     As I have been watching this situation, I hurt for the daughter, my friend, and I feel totally helpless.  I pray and I have talked to her about forgiving her mother for her own freedom.  The amazing thing about her is that she wants resolution after a lifetime of hurt.  When I think about her mom and her misery, I have to ask, what happened to this woman that she spent her whole life drunk on bitterness.  How does someone come to a place where they are so bound by hurt that their eternal life doesn't seem to be a priority.  Granted, I do not know what is going through her mind, but I am praying for her salvation daily.  It just doesn't seem fair that someone with such deep rooted pain should continue to suffer through eternity. 
     What the Lord is showing me is how our hurt turns to anger and if allowed transforms into a bitterness that can destroy us if not dealt with.  Forgiveness has to happen.  We have to take our thoughts captive at the hurt and forgive or it can kill us.  Maybe we won't suffer a physical death, but we can suffer a spiritual death.  I believe that bitterness is one of the greatest tools the enemy uses against God.  If we get hurt and allow it to turn into anger and that anger to grow into bitterness, eventually, we will blame God.  We will hold it against God that He allowed this situation.  This woman losing her mother to cancer, looked at me with anger in her eyes and asked, "How can a God who loves me take my father when I was only nineteen?"  Hurt, anger, bitterness.  Now to face losing her mother could destroy her.
     As I look at her mother's life one day, wondering what happened to her so many years ago that she would swim in bitterness for so much of her life, I realized what God was showing me.  There is a person who is holding anger against me.  I believe it is turning into bitterness.  This person has gone out of their way to cause pain to me.  I recently learned of another incident where this person tried to turn others against me.  So, what does God want me to see?  What hurt caused this person to be so angry with me?  Rejection.  They feel rejected by me.  The root of rejection runs deep in this person and my actions tapped in to an old hurt and old anger and old bitterness.  After two days of looking at the situation I realized, I did not allow the hurt to turn to anger this time.  I have learned something.  My whole life, through all the abuse and rejection I went through has been so full of anger.  I have lashed out all over people, including this individual in some very hurtful ways.  So, we have two people dealing with rejection from their pasts, beating on each other over old bitterness.
     What God is showing me is how important it is to clean up, to heal from our past wounds.  If we don't face them head on and heal them, set aside the anger and remove any bitterness it will keep rearing it's ugly head in all our relationships, especially our intimacy with Christ.  Is the damage too far gone to remove the cancer in this relationship.  Never.  God can do anything.  Is this woman's body so full of cancer that God cannot perform a miracle and cure her so her life could go on for years?  Never.  He is all powerful. 
     In this country we are taught revenge.  We see it in movies, we read it in the paper, it's all around us.  The real cure for cancer has been known all along, it's forgiveness.  God is a God of freewill.  This includes forgiveness.  It's our choice.  Forgiveness is a doorway for the Lord to step in and perform miracles.  Bitterness is the doorway for the enemy to do a number on us and all those around us who are touched by our lives.  Bitterness can spread through the body of believers just like cancer through a physical body. 
     I was involved in a discussion recently about how kids learn from watching.  We teach them behaviors and tools without meaning to.  If we seek revenge on those who hurt us, no matter what we say to our kids, they will be revenge seekers.  If we lie, no matter what we tell our kids, they will lie.  We have a responsibility as believers to behave the way Christ teaches, by His actions or the believers following us will imitate our dysfunction and just like parents we will be wondering why they didn't listen, but chose to follow our actions.
     God showed me recently why He often teaches us in parables and through visions and dreams.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  In His parables, like when he talks of planting seed on a rock, don't most of us get a picture in our mind of a seed falling on a rock?  A house built on sand?  When we try to explain how things work or how something happened, don't we often times draw or act it out?  To hear it and visualize it at the same time, speaks to more of our senses and we can internalize it into our heart instead of leaving it swimming around our heads. 
     So, God showed me a picture of a dying woman, full of cancerous bitterness.  He showed me a rejected daughter who is suffering from that bitterness and who now has a choice to forgive or consume the same bitterness.  Then He held up a mirror in front of my face and I saw the same story, though the names and faces were different.  How can I encourage another to do the right thing and forgive if I am not capable of doing it myself?  We have to heal our deepest wounds so the infection does not spread to other parts of the body. 

“They who forgive most shall be most forgiven.”
― Anonymous, Holy Bible: King James Version    

Training

“If there is no element of asceticism in our lives, if we give free rein to the desires of the flesh (taking care of course to keep within the limits of what seems permissible to the world), we shall find it hard to train for the service of Christ. When the flesh is satisfied it is hard to pray with cheerfulness or to devote oneself to a life of service which calls for much self-renunciation.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship  


     It seems God is really throwing the lessons at me lately.  It was a simple trip to the store that turned into a 30 minute read and discussion in the parking lot.  I was involved in a discussion earlier today about Halloween.  I don't celebrate it.  It was a debate on the roots of the holiday - are they Christ roots or Satanic roots.  To me it doesn't really matter at this point.  I know the enemy's followers celebrate it in some evil ways.  I want nothing to do with that. 
     There are lots of people out there who say not to give the enemy glory and I agree, but we have to be aware.  It's frustrating to me, when I see what he is doing and I'm labeled as crazy.  Sometimes God has me step forward with a word and I am labeled crazy or He has me be quiet and I feel crazy.  Too many people, especially in this country, like to keep the wool pulled over there eyes.  We can't do that either.  Ephesians 6 says to be prepared.
     The lesson started in a different book I was reading on Jeremiah.  It talked of how he was prepared for his position of Prophet.  I started thinking and conversing with God about this.  Some of us get focused on our own little world or role.  Some of don't even think past it and we want smaller roles, bigger roles, more glamorous roles.  The soldier may be a combat soldier, admin, medical or cook.  They are all needed to make this work.  Step up the ladder one rung and you will see someone with a little bigger picture of what's going on.  Another rung, a bigger picture until you reach the president.  In the Church story it's the same idea, but God is the only one with the whole picture. 
     God has been talking to me about my role in His military and I have to be honest, I have kicked my feet a little bit.  It's fear.  it's fear of not being who He says I am.  His picture of me is soooooo different than mine.  Ha.  It has gotten closer to His, but it has been quite a process.  He knows our role before we are born.  He uses our lives in ways we don't understand to train us for that role.  Over the last two years I have seen several instances, where some seemingly insignificant moment in my life actually helped me to fulfill the things He has asked me to do.  We receive hours, days, months, years, and decades of training.  For example David killing the lion and the bear in preparation to killing Goliath.  But that is really a small part of David's life.  He killed tens of thousands.  I go back to comparing David and Saul. 
     I asked the Lord the other day when I was feeling a little out of place, "Tell me who I am."  I was dealing with doubt.  Have I been hearing Him?  Is this really where he wants me?  What He wants me doing?  He gave me a verse that spoke loudly to me.  Basically telling me, I am His and I have an obligation, not to my flesh, but to Him and His plan.  I found a lot of security in that.  Also, what I heard was that the doubt came from my flesh.  I had to let go and keep moving forward.
     This is where the importance comes in.  Forty some odd years of training for a job is a lot of training.  If I spent all that time training for accounting only a fool would put me in a sales position.  I'm starting to understand why God's army of believers can be such a mess.  Leaders are trained to be leaders.  Teachers are trained to be teachers.  Admin is trained for admin.  When we get in the wrong job, the whole plan of God does not move forward as smoothly or in the way He had planned.  I'm really seeing how hearing His voice is so important to each of us.  Listening and hearing is very important to those in authority over others.  If your boss doesn't recognize your talent, if they don't hear where God has said to put you in the army, well then I believe people will be killed, spiritually.  You don't send a chow wagon to do a tanks job. 


“Some spiritual leaders try to be more committed. What they need is to be more submitted.”
― Henry T. Blackaby

Shepherds/Disciples

Throughout the bible the word repent is nearly always a call to God's people to return to their relationship with Him. - Dr. Henry Blackaby


     Because the Lord has had me reading about Daniel, Jeremiah and Samuel, I decided there was a theme going here I might as well get on board with.  So, I have read several books or parts of books on prophets.  The curiosities I have are what sets them apart or makes them different, the relationship between prophets and kings and what is their role today.  I believe God is trying to show me something big here.  I like to fall asleep with a good audio book, but this latest one is keeping me awake.  I think this is going to be a huge lesson and I pray I am prepared for it.
     Henry Blackaby talks about when ever God's people began to move away from the covenant He had with them, He would send a prophet.  I believe that is why prophets always seemed to be warning kings instead of patting them on the back.  This makes sense to me.  This also makes sense as to why false prophets were believed, because kings wanted a little good news.  I guess they thought following God was supposed to be easy.  Ha.  Whenever I read about how the Church is supposed to behave themselves, I always apply it to the individual believer too.  I believe God sends individuals to individuals who are wandering away from Him.
     Another thing I do is compare the church to the military.  So, forgive my lack of knowledge here and it is okay to laugh.  But think about this picture.  You have a military force set to take over an area of land.  The man in charge, top dog, whatever you want to call him, gives an order to the men below him.  Let's just say there are 7 of them and they each have their group of men under them.  In order to take over this town, He will most likely be giving different orders to each of the 7 on how they are to lead their men and do their part in the take over.  What if 3 or 4 of these guys decided not to listen to their commander and go out on what they think their group should do.  Would the town be won?  There is a good chance everything would fall apart.  Can you imagine how frustrated that leader would be when he gets where he has decided he needs to be and there is no support?
     What I get out of what Blackaby is saying in this book is that He has chosen those top ranking officers in His army and they are called apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers.  They are called to equip His people so that the body can be built up.  When Samuel came on the scene, there was a big mess, because people were all doing what they thought was right in their own eyes.  Can you imagine?  If we go back to the military picture it's almost comical.  The ones who listened to God would be here and there around the city, while others picked flowers and a few more had a picnic.  A little group swimming at the lake and a group, building a house on the sand.  Maybe none of them are doing anything wrong, but most of them aren't doing what is right, what is needed to advance the kingdom.
     Blackaby stresses that He has called these people into these 5 positions to give God's word, God's message to the people.  God has this purpose that is too big for our little earthly eyes, so He breaks it down, gives us these leaders and their responsibility is to bring us His messages.  So, what happens, when you belong to a group who has a leader, who is giving you his own messages from his own head, because he thinks he knows some stuff.  What he is saying is probably true and even good, if it is coming from the bible, but is it fitting in with God's plan?  As you listen, and digest what he has said, you still feel this emptiness.  You can't put your finger on it, but your spirit is hungry for something it is not getting.  On the other hand, your head is full of stuff you don't know what to do with.  I have heard pastors complain that people leave their church because they are not getting fed.  I get this.  I get their frustration.  I have even heard them say people are looking here and there for what God is doing.  Well, yes, I want to be a part of a troupe that is in it's right position for what God is doing as a whole. 
     Blackaby also talks about how leaders are leading from a business position, but the Church is not a business.  He says we are not a people of vision, but of revelation.  So many times we hear leaders ask what our vision is, when what we should be looking for is revelation to God's plan.  Vision is the worlds way of leadership.  The Church should be led from the heart, and that heart should be listening to the Holy Spirit.  Lord, what message do you have for them today?  What do you want me to feed the flock?  Only God knows what is going on in the hearts of every single member of the Church.  Only God knows the perfect message for that group of people.  And it is only God who knows and will tell us which branch of the military we belong in and what unit, squad, platoon, whatever you want to call it.  It made so much sense to me, I couldn't sleep. 
     Blackaby did not compare this to the military in his book, that's just how my heart processed what I was hearing.  It made it all make sense.  He did go on to talk about burnout.  When you do it on your own, God doesn't have to support it.  We have so many apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers trying to do their own thing on their own strength and burning out.  He even talked about how in one weekend 17 pastors walked away from their churches and the reason one of the pastors gave was there was conflict in the church and he didn't want to be perceived as being a part of that.  Well, the bible has something to say about a shepherd who abandons his sheep.  Shepherds are called to lay their lives down to protect their sheep.  John 10 talks about this, the hireling and the shepherd who has lost his shepherds heart.  This is really sad.  A shepherd with a hardened heart is dangerous and God is not happy.  A shepherd who puts his flock in the hands of one not truly called by God is also dangerous.  The Lord appoints Apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers.  He equips.
     When we listen to the Holy Spirit, He gives us everything we need to follow the will of the Father.  We are all disciples and this rule applies to each of us.  I know for myself, that I have heard words like, "That was a beautiful prayer."  I sit there with a sheep in the headlights look on my face, because I can't even remember what all I said.  Why?  because it wasn't me.  It was the Holy Spirit through me.  There have been other times when I have been impressed by what comes out of my mouth and that is another big clue it was not me.  God is the only one who can reach the deepest wounds and the deepest parts of our hearts.  God is the only one to convict us or judge us.  We as His messengers have to be listening to the messages He is giving us to give others or else the Glory is ours, not His and that is wrong in His eyes.  To God be ALL the glory. 
     When I hear God say He is looking for a people He can trust, I believe this is exactly what He is talking about.  Words are powerful and His words are even more powerful because they are His.  Our words have power, but if they are outside His will they can do more harm than good.  Joyce Meyer says, "As many as you can hurt, you can help."  She also says, "It's not about reading the word, it's about obeying the Word."

Ephesians 4:11-16

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

I never knew you!

“She says she's OK. She says she is fine. but underneath that smile is a broken heart”
― -anonymous


     Often times when a verse in the bible trips me up, God will use an example from my own life that helps me to know His heart.  Verses that have bothered me are

Matthew 7:22-23

New King James Version (NKJV)

²² Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ ²³ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’


     He explained this is a heart issue.  For instance the man who goes to work every day, provides for his family, says he loves his wife, and even brings her flowers and then one day slams the words, "I've been having an affair." in her face.  Obviously a part of his heart belonged to something he could not give up, even though he says he loves his wife.  We hear it all the time.  Affairs, addictions, etc.  We find out our best friend has been talking behind our back.  Maybe you find out your married to a serial rapist.  There is even a show on TV about people who find out they did not know the person they were married to at all. 
     We believe those words, "I love you" but they leave out the "but I love ??? too much to give it up for you."  Or they use those words to get what they want from you and then move on.  They live a lie.  Over and over our hearts break for people who have been so deceived.  God knows everything, so He is more like the spouse who knows the affair is going on and stays hoping they will change and turn their heart back.  But there is a day that is too late. 
     Many times through healing many wounds, I have felt like my heart will never line up with Jesus.  On the subject of forgiveness, why do I find it so hard to forgive, when Jesus seemed to find it so easy and what he went through was worse.  When I want to hate people for what they have done in this world and He seems to find love so easy.  When my heart says I will never be good enough or how could Jesus love me and He says, "You are good enough and it's easy to love you."  Then He shows ways that our hearts line up through the pain of rejection.  When I am embarrassed because I didn't give up faster on someone who doesn't care and then He shows me His pursuit of those who turn away.  Here I thought the only way were alike was it seems we both often show up at the last minute.  Ha.
     Deception is one of the deepest wounds we can receive from someone we care about and forgiving can seem almost impossible.  We hear it many times, It wasn't what you did, it was that you lied about it. I think we have all been through this at least once in our lives and maybe others don't understand why the pain runs so deep.  I have also heard it said many times, "I thought their marriage/friendship/relationship was awesome."  But nobody can know the relationship between two people, but those two people.  And when only one of them know the whole truth, that's a broken heart, that's when we say, "I never knew you, depart from me."

“Bit by bit, Dr. Driscoll helped me to peel away the layers of protection I had built up over the years. The process was not that unlike the peeling of an onion, which also makes us cry. It has been a painful journey, and I don't now when it will end, when I can say, “OK, it's over.” Maybe never. Maybe sooner than I know. I recently told Dr. Driscoll that I feel the beginnings of feeling OK, that this is the right path.”
― Charles L. Bailey Jr., In the Shadow of the Cross  
   
       

Words!

“We will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word spoken”
Mathew 12:36


     I just went for a long drive and the Lord asked me to pray for something specific.  When I am in the car alone, I can get pretty loud and out of control with my prayers.  There is some kind of freedom in knowing that I am alone in a small  space, with Jesus.  I guess there is a false belief that if my prayers become boring He can't get away as long as I am driving fast enough.  Ha.  I came to this place where I didn't know what else to say.  I was thinking.  Did I pray that right?  Did I add, "If it is your will"?  Did I say in Jesus name?  Then I heard Him, "That was enough."  But why do words sometimes feel so inadequate?
     God spoke all of creation into existence, yet are there words that can adequately describe that creation.  I have stood on a cliff in Oregon, a mountain in Washington and the rim of the Grand Canyon, just for a few examples and no words came to me.  How do you describe God's creation with mere words?  Sometimes all you can do is gasp.  Is it who speaks them?  I know that a complete stranger calling me a hurtful name, does not sting the way it would if it was a friend,speaking the exact same words.
     What I have learned in my reading lately, in Daniel where God has had me for months, when King Nebuchadnezzar wanted a dream interpreted he went to Daniel.  BUT, before he went to Daniel, knowing from the past that Daniel was hearing God, Nebuchadnezzar called on the magicians, enchanters, astrologers and diviners.  Why?  Was he afraid of the truth he knew Daniel would speak?  Had these people always told him what he wanted to hear?  So, was he always in a "happy place" when getting a word from them.  Don't we do this?
     When something goes wrong, don't we call the friends who will encourage us?  The ones who will agree with us?  The ones who will give us "happy thoughts"?  It is only when we are truly ready to hear the truth that we call that one friend we all have who will speak the truth and not just focus on making us feel better.  When we do something questionable and the outcome leaves us with something to complain about, do we avoid the friend who will expose that we are responsible for that outcome.
     The false prophets were recognized for speaking words that gave them the glory instead of God.  They were known for speaking what the rulers wanted to hear instead of warning them of the truth.   They spoke in half truths, not giving specifics, saying things like, "I'm not going to tell you anymore, but wait and see."  True prophets are trusted with God's words, His powerful word that spoke all things into existence.  This is not to be taken lightly.  I guess that's why prophets are not usually popular people. 
     Joyce Meyer says, "Run to throne, not the phone."  I see this in people too.  I have done this.  Things go a little off balance and we run to our friends instead of God.  We trust our friends words over what we hear God speaking to us, because we don't trust in our ability to hear Him clearly.  This can be very dangerous and keep us in the dark. 
     As words are powerful in a positive way, they are also powerful in a negative way.  If given a word of prophecy, when listening to a sermon, and when hearing God ourselves, we must always be sure it lines up with scripture.  There always has to be fruit.  The positive words we hear are not going to help us grow if they are not true.  There are preachers today that speak "feel good" sermons.  In fact there is one I used to always listen to when I was down, because he cheered me up.  Even though he spoke truth, following him only made me feel good, it did not make me grow.  It's truth and conviction that change us, shape us to be more like Christ.  Truth, no matter how much it hurts, is what really sets us free. 

Revelation 20:10

And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

Is Bigger Better?

“True humility does not know that it is humble. If it did, it would be proud from the contemplation of so fine a virtue.”
― Martin Luther


     I heard about a pastor who pastor's one person.  Think about that.  Preparing a sermon each week for one person?  How does that work?  How far does he drive to get to this person?  That's being humble.  That's amazing. 
     The Lord was speaking to me just now as I was waiting at the school for my grandson, about this pastor, and about writing for one.  The bible says not to make a spectacle of ourselves when praying.  We are not to go stand on a street corner and belt out some practiced words to impress all those who hear us.  I have received that advice before to write for an audience of one.  That one should be God. 
     It is what we do when we are not seen that measures our integrity.  Do we take that nice pen home from the office to be ours?  We often hear about how we act in private is a way to measure our integrity, but what about how we act in public.  We are supposed to be a reflection of Christ, right?  So we can decide not to blow up, not to cuss, and to be nicer to people than we feel like being at times.  What about doing good things to be seen?  Should we ever do good things to be seen?  I don't think so.  We should be doing good things because we want to please God.
     What God really wanted to talk about was deciding who we listen to by popularity.  There are pastor's, speakers, people in government offices, etc. that we follow, because they are popular.  We trust people in office because they are popular and we don't want to take the time to research.  We follow pastor's because they have a large mega church?  What a way for the enemy to get his way. 
     Years ago when people were talking about a president who had been involved sexually with an intern there was lots of talk of whether he could be trusted as a leader.  In my opinion if you will lie about the little things, you, will lie about the big things.  if you cannot be faithful to your wife how can you be faithful to your followers?  There is a sense of pride that can come with power.  Who can touch me?  It's all over Hollywood and throughout professional sports.  They get a way with things an ordinary Joe cannot get a way with.  It's often confusing who to follow or maybe I should just say listen to, when we are talking about religious leaders.  There are some mega church pastors that in the past, I thought were okay, because how can all those people be wrong.  But what God is showing me, is that they are a bigger target for failure.  The enemy goes after them, because of all that it will affect. 
     I believe those bigger churches are more comfortable because we are somewhat invisible sitting in them.  Who is making sure we are accountable?  Who is asking us to participate.  We can go sit in church every Sunday and feel like we are doing God's will.  But are they catering to the world.  Are people too comfortable there?  If I go in with my coffee and my phone and spend the hour texting or watching the game and nobody notices, isn't it easier for me to stay in the world, yet convince myself I am doing good in the eyes of God.
If church is too comfortable is God there? 
     So, if this is the case, how does a pastor reach thousands of people in a mega church?  He can't possibly stand by the door and shake every hand.  He can't possibly invite every family over for dinner.  So, how does he reach them?  He only has his words.  It helps if the worship music is good too, but if the sermon doesn't rock the people, will they be back? 
     I think pastor's are afraid to preach a sermon that causes conviction.  You can keep more chairs full on Sundays if you make them comfortable to be present while immersed in their sin.  That's what kept me coming back anyway.  When conviction came, I was gone.  What I believe is a sermon given by the Holy Spirit through the pastor is a sermon that reaches the spirit in us, preach from the Spirit to the Spirit.  A sermon preached from the head speaks to the head.  A sermon preached from the flesh, speaks to the flesh.
     Discernment through the Spirit is needed to choose who we listen to and whether we come back.  How popular is the preacher?  How popular was Jesus?  There can be bad press on any man no matter how good or bad he is.  Popular does not always mean he is good in God's eyes.  Needing popularity, fear of being hated, can make a good man into a monster. 
     A.W. Tozer says, "Christians have fallen into the habit of accepting the noisiest and most notorious among them as the best and the greatest.  They too have learned to equate popularity with excellence, and in open defiance of the Sermon on the Mount they have given their approval not to the meek but to the self assertive; not to the mourner but to the self assured; not to the pure in heart who see God but to the publicity hunter who seeks headlines."
     There are powerful, knowledgeable, great men who lose their need for God and replace it with a need for recognition.  They want groupies more than gospel.  They want to be approved of, instead of accountable for.  The Bible says we will be hated.  I'm not saying that we should only follow those who are hated or reject mega-pastors, but what I am saying is to pray for discernment.  Many who have dedicated their lives to Christ and been true followers will fall away in the end.  We cannot put our trust in men, pastors, government because they will fail us.  We need the gift of discernment and to know God's voice to determine who to listen to and who to shut the door on.  Just ask God to bless you with that gift.  He doesn't want us to be fooled by man, but followers of Him.  And each of us should live every moment for an audience of One, the only One. 

I join Tozer in this prayer,

Lord I thank you for all the faithful pastors serving churches in quiet places. Thank you for the "quiet heroes" and their faithful service; give them great encouragement today. Amen

Saul? or David?

1 Samuel 17:37
New International Version (NIV)

37 The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”

Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you.”


   Wow, the Lord is really speaking to me this morning.  For many months He has been talking to me about leadership.  He is looking for leaders made from a new material that is pliable.  He is looking for a people He can trust.  Yesterday I read where a leader who some may say is powerful, ridiculed a group of people on line.  I could see his hurt and I could see his anger.  The first thing I had to do was ask myself if I have done this and I had to answer yes, because I was thinking of saying some "not so nice" things when I read it.  It was really sad and broke my heart to see him sink to this level and I refused to allow my flesh to lower me to that same place. Many of his "followers" joined in poking fun at this group of people.  All I could hear was "stone her" and "Crucify Him, Crucify Him, Crucify Him"  Why?  Because we don't agree with them?  Because in our eyes they are not doing right?  Who is handing out the stones?  I turned to God.  I want to see healing for this man.  I want to see his eyes opened.  The Lord said to me over and over, "You are focusing on his healing more than your own.  I want to heal you."  I went to bed last night and asked the Lord to shine His light on the situation.  I asked Him to show me where I need healing.
     This morning, I woke in a kind of dead place.  I wasn't happy, wasn't sad, wasn't angry, just alive and waiting to see what the day brings.  Right  away the Lord began to show me things.  First, to be a leader we must be rooted in Christ.  Deeply rooted.  He used Saul and David's friendship to show me many things today.  Saul is a representation of what can happen to a once good leader.  God had changed Saul's heart, but eventually his flesh began to rule his heart through pride.  He listened to his head instead of following his heart and listening to God.
     The first thing that jumped out at me was that the people demanded a king and the Lord answered them with Saul.  But when the Lord prepares a king, when we wait on Him for the king He wants in place, He spends years preparing that king.  Saul was put into position of king at the demand of the people, while David was trained to be king for many years isolated and alone.  Killing the bear and the lion in private so he was prepared to kill Goliath in public.  Saul on the other hand was thrown into the position and even though he was a great king for some time, eventually his flesh won out over his heart.  He hadn't had those trials that develop integrity. 
     The Lord has spoken to me many times about how many leaders listen to His first instruction, but then think they are qualified to "take it from here."  Months ago the Lord put a group of us to the test.  He had us make a dinner for the worship team at the church I was attending.  He kept telling me to tell them to listen to Him.  He wanted us to hear Him over every detail.  Many of us tried to, but a few decided they knew what the Lord's intentions were and took off on their own ideas.  When the dinner was done, the Lord spoke to me clearly, that it had nothing to do with the worship team it had to do with the group serving them.  He pointed out who followed Him and who took initial instruction and went off on their own.  He listed the people who listened to Him and told me, these are the people I trust and you can trust them too.  It was an amazing lesson and I'm not sure if it was for all of us, or for me, but to this day, even if we don't agree, I know who I can trust, because they are truly trying to hear the Lord and obey.  If Saul would have been involved in the dinner, I don't think he would have been included on the trustable list.  He attacked the Amalekites, but did not follow all the instructions.  The Lord said to kill everyone and everything, what stopped him?  Pride.  I know better than God, Pride.  Saul allowed his men to keep the animals to eat instead of slaughter them, so in trying to please man, Saul displeased God.

1 Samuel 15:17-23

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ Samuel said, “Although you were once small in your own eyes, did you not become the head of the tribes of Israel? The Lord anointed you king over Israel. ¹⁸ And he sent you on a mission, saying, ‘Go and completely destroy those wicked people, the Amalekites; wage war against them until you have wiped them out.’ ¹⁹ Why did you not obey the Lord? Why did you pounce on the plunder and do evil in the eyes of the Lord?”
²⁰ “But I did obey the Lord,” Saul said. “I went on the mission the Lord assigned me. I completely destroyed the Amalekites and brought back Agag their king. ²¹ The soldiers took sheep and cattle from the plunder, the best of what was devoted to God, in order to sacrifice them to the Lord your God at Gilgal.”
²² But Samuel replied:

“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
    as much as in obeying the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
    and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
²³ For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
    and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,
    he has rejected you as king.”

 

     There are so many lessons in these two leaders and to compare them makes the truth more difficult to miss.  They both became kings, leaders, but how you lead is determined by how you follow.  We are all leaders.  Maybe it's our family, our children or a bible study group, but we all lead.  In Acts 13:22 Paul is giving a little history lesson.

Acts 13:22

New International Version (NIV)

²² After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’

    
     A man after my own heart?  He will do everything I want him to do?  Obedience.  David spent a lot of time alone, watching his father's sheep.  This is where the integrity is developed.  Through trials, we learn to follow Him with all our heart.  Don't hate your trials.  I thank God for the situations I have lived through.  I have actually had  one person who had what he called "an easy childhood"  tell me he was jealous of my trials.  I didn't get it at the time, but I am beginning to understand more and more.  I watch people go through amazingly painful stuff and I know God is shaping them to do great things.  It has to be more difficult to hang on to your integrity at times when you have not faced trials.  Trials bring you to dependence on God.  There are many times when we are tempted to lash out, like David could have killed Saul, but he knew that stepping out of the will of God is also stepping out from under his protection and His blessing. 
     Without developing that integrity, without going after God, how can we stand?  We are all on our own journey and this can be difficult at times when others think we need to do things their way, the way God took them through.  They tried to put armor on David when he went up against Goliath, but it was not his armor.  It did not fit.  And, more importantly, he did not need it for the way God had him take down Goliath.  He was on his own path, his own journey with God.  God does things differently with each of us, even though some of our trials and escape routes are the same as others, often He has something different in mind for us.
     Many kings were brought down with pride.  Power is not an easy thing to handle.  In watching the Bible story miniseries, there is a point when Nebuchadnezzar demands to be worshipped.

Daniel 3:13-15

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king, ¹⁴ and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? ¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”

     Today, do we want people to agree with us, follow us, laugh at our jokes, hate and love the same things we do, agree with us without questioning?   Do we need the approval, the agreement of man?  It's the same thing.  Nebuchadnezzar's dream of the tree, shows why he was cut down and taken out of the role of king, taken out of leadership, because it was all about him.  The tree was a fake.  Trials cause our roots to grow deep in Christ and without deep roots a tree will fall, or Christ may even chop it down.  Jesus is the only way, the truth and the life. 
     In comparing Nebuchadnezzar and Saul, the same thing took them down, fear.  Fear causes other sin.  Insecurity or fear comes from not being rooted in Christ.  David hungered after God every moment and he did not fear.  That is obvious when you stand the little shepherd boy in front of the giant, Goliath.  When we face difficulty are we afraid or is or trust in Christ?  Are we looking at our own strength or God's.  If we truly follow and truly obey His every command and commandment, we have nothing to fear.  Even if we get it wrong, but believe we are following Him, He will be there for us. 
     Fear causes pride, causes us to step out in our flesh, because we don't trust.  Fear causes a need for man's approval instead of God's approval.  Saul let fear rule him and he went after David to kill him.  Do we do this?  When we fear someone might take from us, might hurt us, do we lash out?  Would we have killed Saul in the cave, instead of cut off a piece of his robe and said, "I will not touch the anointed one?"  Or out of fear do we murder some one through words?  Character assassination?  Slander?  If we can get people to believe they are bad, then no one will listen to anything they say about us?  I know this sounds kind of "high school", but we see it all the time.  Mob mentality?  if we can get the mob to follow us, to follow what we believe... who needs God to protect us? 
     Trust is the opposite of fear.  One thing we can always trust in is truth.  God is the Truth.  There is no room for fear.  Obedience is putting trust in the truth.  We slander others, we knock them down to make us feel above them, we do this from a place of fear.  Our confidence, courage, and character all need to come from Christ.  If He is for us, who can be against us?  As believers, when we attack others, we put shame on them.  How many people are shamed into going to church, trusting believers, or reaching out to God?  We are called to lift up, not put down.  I heard a preacher once say, instead of saying shame on me or shame on you, say shame off me, shame off you. 
     I have been blessed with an abundance of time alone with God in these last couple years.  There was a time when it was uncomfortable to be alone with Him.  I found it easier to talk to Him while driving or while doing something else.  But to sit still with Him and really engage in conversation, worship, prayer, listening, is indescribable.  I found a need for that now and it does not have to do with begging Him to answer my prayers, but more to do with just being in His presence.  I have been watching a change in a pastor at a church I occasionally attend.  He went on a sabbatical and really got alone with God.  What a difference in this man, what a difference in his messages.  He took that time to be alone with God and God changed him.  God showed him answers to questions he had for years about his ill wife.  I pray he hangs onto that and recognizes when he needs it.  When we aren't living right, I have found with me, I tend to avoid time alone with God.  I run from Him.  Watching a movie about the bible, sitting in a church building or on the beach, or even speaking to others is not the time alone we need, like David had all those years.  The bear and the lion (inside us) are not killed for an audience.  Nothing we do should be for an audience, even prayer. 
     This world is full of Saul's and Nebuchadnezzar's running around in fear, trying to kill people, throw them in the fire, and exalt themselves.  Do not bow to them.  Don't be a groupie!  We are children of the most High God.  Those who desire to be on top will eventually go down.  Those who knock others to feel better about themselves need prayer.  Arrogance and insecurity are the same in the eyes of the Lord, in that they produce pride and distance from God.  Desire to be a nobody shepherd boy and be satisfied with that, if God makes you a king, never let go of that boy and all that God has developed in him or pride can cause you to fall on your own sword.


Romans 8:5-8
New International Version (NIV)

5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.  

 

 

Dreams and Visions

Jeremiah 1:6-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

⁷ But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.

     The Lord has me reading in Jeremiah lately, one of the few books of the Bible He has me studying.  Many times I have said to God, "Why me?  Can't you send someone more experienced?  I am a baby believer."  To which He replies, "Infancy to infantry.  You can choose to drink milk or you can step out in faith."  Stepping out in faith does not mean success, comfort, or support from other believer's.(They may support stepping out in faith, but not the particular stepping out God has asked of you.)  Sometimes the only one happy with me stepping out in faith is the Lord. 
     If there is one thing I could give to every believer, and the Lord has told me He wants me to pray this over people, is how to listen to God's voice.  He is talking to us in many ways.  I was recently validated by a man who shared many of the experiences I have had and it has given me more confidence to speak up.  With all the deception in the world today, we have to know His voice.  We must know how to hear Him.  He is the only one we can put our complete trust in.
     I had a conversation with a friend last night and through her tears she expressed how much she loves the Lord.  She could not put it into words, but her face showed it all.  Her hunger for Him is out of control and He loves that about her.  As I listened to her, I heard Him, "It is that desire to be near to me that I have for all my children.  She has the ability to express to others my love for them."  We have had many conversations about how frustrating it is to know how much He loves His kids, but they still refuse to listen, to accept His love and to obey Him.  I think as parents we identify with this even more.
     It's also frustrating when He gives us visions and dreams about what He is doing and how people do not see it.   I compare it to standing on a hill, looking down at a group of people and from the top of the hill, I can see the enemy coming toward them, but they can not  see the enemy or hear my warning cries.  I can scream, cry, beg, but they choose not to hear at times.  I am labeled crazy and told to go.
     In the last days, the bible says He will give us visions and dreams.  I have had quite a few people ask me about dreams they have had or ask me to pray that they would have visions and dreams.  Within days I usually hear back from them, excited over a dream God has given them.  Many times they were having dreams, but unsure what they meant or if they were from God.  Praying over them, I believe was more like giving permission for them to hear or acknowledge God speaking to them in this way.  English is not His first language or communication choice. 
     When I decided a couple years ago to follow Christ completely, I had a dream.  I tore that dream apart trying to figure it out.  I even asked for help.  I never felt like I really understood.  About 6 - 8 months ago, I asked God about the dream and what He told me was totally different than my earthly thinking.  he didn't give it to me all at once and looking back, I can see why. 
     Sometimes He gives us dreams and visions to reveal something to us, about us, that needs His attention.  This could be un-forgiveness, a character defect, or even a demonic spirit that is controlling an area of our life.  One time in a dream I had there was a dog who kept wandering between my feet and the feet of the person I was talking to.  The person I was talking to actually represented someone else.  The dog smelled really bad and neither of us did anything about it.  The Lord told me it was demonic.  I then asked Him what demonic spirits were interfering in our relationship and He told me.  The fact that the dog belonged to the other person in the dream, meant that even though we both needed to deal with the spirits, they were on the other person. 
     Other times God gives us dreams about the future.  They can be blessings that are coming, or warnings.  I have a lot of warning dreams about the Church so that I can pray against it.  Though sometimes God will ask me to pray for a specific part of the situation.  For example, I had a dream that I was standing in front of a church.  The Lord told me there was going to be an earthquake and I was to go inside and warn the people so they could get out of the building.  I ran in yelling for everyone to get out of the church, but the pastor yelled at me to "Get out of MY church!"  I looked around at the faces of the people and I knew they would not hear me, they would not follow me out.  I turned and left with the pastor right on my heels, yelling all the way.  A few people followed us out.  Once we were outside of the building and standing in the parking lot, the earthquake hit and the building went down, in a pile of rubble.  The strange thing about the pile of rubble was it was all cement blocks, not twisted metal.  The Lord showed me that the cement blocks were man made rock.  Soon after the building came down, Jesus appeared in the sky with His arms outstretched and many spirits rose up from the rubble and joined Him.  The pastor said to me, "I told you there were good people in my church."  I responded with, "I knew that.  I never said there weren't."  Just then, many dark spirits came scrambling out of the rubble, twice as many as had gone with Jesus.  This is where the dream ended. 
     Right away, I start questioning, "Is this you God or the enemy?"  I ask Him for confirmation.  Within a short time an article popped up on my computer about natural disaster dreams and the first disaster mentioned was earthquakes.  The man said that sometimes it is a warning about a literal earthquake, but other times not.  He said if the dream takes place in a church it most likely means there is a shake up coming that will divide the people.  There is huge division taking place.  This is a pretty simple dream to interpret and God has done so over time. 
     Sometimes we will see a recurring issue, person or such in a dream.  I have dreamt about blue and red trucks doing damage.  I have also talked to others who receive prophetic dreams and they too have been seeing red trucks and blue trucks.  In one dream a blue truck was running over the legs of a pastor.  In another dream I had, a red truck and blue truck were tearing up the landowners property.  I asked God what this means and He showed me blue represents the high priest/religion.  It was actually the high priest who called for the crucifixion of Jesus, because He believed He was following the rules set by God.  When I asked about the red truck, the first thing the Lord said was anger.  Then He asked me how many times He says do not fear in the bible.  Well, I have heard it is 365 times, but I don't know that for sure, I haven't counted.  I do know it is a lot.  Then He reminded me that all anger is fear based.  Then He asked me, what does your flesh want to do when you are angry or afraid?  Control.  Usually control the situation by manipulation.  Hmm.  This goes along with the Jezebel spirit.  The religious spirit and the Jezebel spirit are going after God's Church.  Pride, arrogance, lack of repentance all fit in here. 
     It's frustrating to see this and try to talk about it and people laugh.  I had a dream once where I was sitting in a chair and next to me was a couch full of people laughing at me.  They were all in leadership and there were too many on the couch.  I was being choked by a demon I could not see and they continued to laugh instead of pray it off me.  Then I yelled out to Jesus to help me and He raised me up out of the chair and the demon stayed behind and I could see it, but they still wouldn't acknowledge it.  The Lord told me two very important facts about this dream.  Sometimes we have to be separated from the demonic before we can see it clearly and they were not literally laughing at me, but they were not taking me seriously.
     I know a lot of people have dreams from God and they are different than flesh dreams.  I have learned a lot through them.  A while back I told God that I didn't believe any of it.  I was not going to share my dreams and visions any longer.  He let me have some time to cool off and then riding down the road in my car one day, completely out of the blue, He said, "I have always given you dreams."  He went on to remind me of two I had as a kid.  Dreams especially, but even visions, is one of my favorite ways to hear from God.  A picture says a thousand words. 
     When God gives us a warning in a dream or vision and tells us to share it with someone, we have to.  If we see the danger and don't blow the trumpet, the sin is on us.  I believe He told me to write this post today and that the blood is not on my hands, because I have obeyed Him every time He has sent me with a word.  It's not easy and I have begged Him to send someone else or talk to the person directly.  I remember one night, crying out to God, "He is not listening to me."  God replied, "No.  He is not listening to me.  I have warned and warned, but he is refusing to hear.  Your hands are clean."
     Most importantly, if God gives you a dream, vision or word for another person, it has to be given in love.  This is difficult to learn and I have made mistakes in the past, but what God has explained to me is that when it is a warning, often times He sends someone we know loves us.  I had to confront a woman once about a spirit on her, but before He would give me the word, He showed her that I loved her.  So the word came through love, even if I didn't verbalize it exactly how He wanted.  Our motives have to be in love.  They have to be pure and in His love.  And sometimes, the words He gives us are only so we know how to pray and He doesn't asks us to share them.  In regards to the earthquake dream, I was specifically supposed to pray for eyes to be opened to His will, before the need for the earthquake.
     I argue with God more than I should.  I ask Him all the time if my words were His and to please stop me if I am doing the work of the enemy.  Yesterday, He gave me this verse and confirmed it, because if any one person goes to hell because I did not obey - well that terrifies me more than being wrong.

Jeremiah 1:17
New International Version (NIV)

17 “Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them.

Where have all the Mentors gone?

“The bottom line in managing your emotions is that you should put others – not yourself – first in how you handle and process them. Whether you delay or display your emotions should not be for your own gratification. You should ask yourself, What does the team need? Not, What will make me feel better?”
― John C. Maxwell, The 360 Degree Leader: Developing Your Influence from Anywhere in the Organization


     God and I have been having a deep discussion.  It started out about salvation.  The things He has been showing me, I thought did not line up with scripture, so it couldn't be Him, but then He showed me, they do line up with scripture.  I believe this is a tactic He is using to get me in the word.  It's always been a challenge for me to read the word, because it does not come to life for me like it does others, but lately, I can't get enough.  I find myself saying things to Him like, "What does that mean?  Is that taken out of context?  You sound kind of mean there, God."  Remember that what I write here is always about MY lessons and about MY character, so if you don't agree, well maybe I haven't caught up to you yet.
     My question to Him was, "Why can a thief, hung on a cross next to Jesus, say remember me and get welcomed into heaven, but a man who casts out demons and performs miracles in His name, not get in?"

Luke 23:40-43

New International Version (NIV)

⁴⁰ But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹ We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”
⁴² Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.^[a]”
⁴³ Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Matthew 7:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

²² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

  

 

 

     God took me back to my childhood.  Confession time here.  I went through a streak when I was about fourteen when I hated - well I hated everyone and everything.  I was so full of anger that I know now was from all that had happened to me.  I walked around with a "Screw you" attitude, on the outside.  On the inside, I was scared.  For instance, one night when a friend and I wanted to go some place that was too far to walk, we took... okay we stole a truck and a gas card to go with it.  She had no fear that I could see.  I tried to portray the same attitude, but on the inside, I knew it was wrong and I knew I would probably be tortured for years, beat beyond recognition and thrown in prison for life.  I also believed that was what I deserved.

     God told me it's about the heart.   I was sorry.  All those people who get tired of my black and white, all or nothing belief system will be happy to hear the Lord is showing me (in a way) there is some gray.  What may be acceptable for one is not for another.  For instance, I have asked people (in the tone of a ticked off child) "Doesn't it bother you to watch that show?"  Why?  Because God won't allow me to watch it.  Seriously, I have not had cable for over a year and God still says "Nope".  It doesn't really bother me except for football, but I'm finding out even that can be forgotten.  So why am I convicted over a TV show and the next person isn't?  I believe it's priorities.  God has a list of things He is working on in each of us, and maybe TV was a higher priority on the list He has for me than the next person.  Maybe that's because I am an addict.  Maybe I let the stuff get into my heart more than the other person.  Not totally sure about this, but it's a thought.

     The thing God showed me though was all about repentance.  There was a man I worked with who always said, "Easier to ask forgiveness than permission."  Yep, it never set well with me.  That's not getting your way, that's taking it.  That is putting grace above love.  That's saying, "I will do whatever I want and God's grace will cover me."  I think we depend on His grace more than we depend on His love.  We find it easier to trust Him to give us grace than to trust Him to love us.  To trust him to love us is to say, "Lord, shine your light into the darkness of my heart and change me."  Will it hurt to much?  Will He leave me in the middle of it?  Yes, He brought me back to the smoking thing.  I wasn't excited.  It's my attitude about it.  I truly do not want to smoke, but am I laying it at His feet or holding onto it and saying "God you can have everything, except this."

     I have been told in the past, "God does not talk to us like that." when I have told others of my conversations with Christ.  I'm sorry, but that is how He talks to me.  Sometimes when I am overwhelmed or just out of it, I will ask Him to tell me something, anything He wants me to know.  It's always amazing.  Last night, lying in bed, stumbling over the garbage in my head, I asked, "Will you tell me something you want me to know?"

     "I have to take down some trees."  Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but because He has been having me read in Daniel for months now, I knew He was talking about the story of Nebuchadnezzar.  He said it was about arrogance.  I argued, (yes, I haven't grown past a little arguing) that what I saw was really insecurity.  Then he said, "Arrogance and insecurity are one in the same - they both put you before Me.  Both insecurity and arrogance say I know better than You Lord, I don't trust You and I must protect myself, because I don't trust You to know what is best.  Arrogance says, I know better and I will storm forward with my own plan, while insecurity says, I am afraid You don't have my back, so I will turn and flee, instead of trusting that I have the authority You have put in me that makes the enemy flee."  He went on to tell me that I was looking at arrogance and insecurity through earthly eyes instead of spiritual eyes.  If it keeps you from getting closer to Him, it has to go.  Too many people in this country are spoiled.  They expect and they want the glory that belongs to Him.  Too many people have forgotten that He put them where they are and He can take them down.  This country is in trouble.  Again He spoke of looking for a people He can trust.  People who will listen and obey.
     He used the illustration of a new born baby.  How we come to Him totally dependent for everything.  As we grow and learn to walk, we fight for independence.  It's when we become prideful that we fall.  Pride is the root of rebellion and rebellion is the opposite of submission.  True brokenness means completely submitted.  It's crazy how He brings all that He has been showing me into a lesson.  Rebellion is a demand for control.  Rebellion is witchcraft. 

1 Samuel 15:22-23

New King James Version (NKJV)

²² So Samuel said:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
As in obeying the voice of the Lord?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,
And to heed than the fat of rams.
²³ For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft,
And stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,
He also has rejected you from being king.”

     The way I understood what He was explaining to me, rebellion is to control what should be submitted.  Even self control is wrong, unless it's through the Holy Spirit.  So, when a person lies and will not take correction, ask forgiveness and repent, they are basically practicing witchcraft.  We have to take responsibility.  We have to have a heart that yearns to do right in the eyes of God. That is truly loving Him with all of our heart, soul, and mind.   Grace is for those times when we mess up.  We all mess up.  But to live day to day with no conscience, no heart for what is right, that's when God says, I never knew you.  Somebody who is not broken by their own sin, someone who doesn't acknowledge their sin, who really wants to change to please God because they love Him, really needs to look at this a little closer.  
     God does not beat us up about our sin.  He has never made me feel bad.  He sits with open arms, inviting me (and you) to come to Him, totally surrender my will, open my heart, and ask Him to shine His light in there so He can change me.
     He talked to me about this country by taking me back to a time when my mom would get really angry at me and my sister and spank us.  We did what any normal kids at that age would do, we laughed.  We laughed until she laughed with us.  The sad part is that is what we are doing to God, but He is not laughing.  He explained how patient He is.  How He has warned and warned, but people are not listening.  As a nation, even in our justice system we are letting people go who really should be locked up.  They are laughing at that justice system.  We hear it all the time, how ridiculous the sentences are for some criminals.  They aren't really paying consequences.  Discipline doesn't exist in this country like it should, just look at all the debt.  As far as God goes, there are even religions who have taken hell and judgment out of the bible and God is not happy.  If you go back and read the bible people are held accountable.  Look at Moses for instance.  He did a great thing for God.  It took his whole life, but did he see the promise land? 
     Parent's who do not discipline end up with spoiled children.  Church leaders who do not discipline end up with an unrepentant  congregation.  Grace and Mercy are awesome and I am so thankful for them, but it's about the heart.  Did we take the prophets out of the Church because we don't want to hear the warnings?  I know we are supposed to speak through love, but sometimes love hurts. 
     I woke this morning hearing the same sentence over and over, "Where have all the mentors gone?"  There was a time after my dad left that my mom disappeared, dealing with her own pain. I am not pointing a finger at my parents, I get where they were and what they were dealing with.  I am only bringing this up to make a point.  My parents weren't disciplining me, I was running wild and free.  So were many of my friends.  The only thing I heard from adults was judgment for my behavior, even though they were not asking me what was going on in my life or trying to be any kind of example.  I really wanted someone to care enough.
     Are we doing this as a Church family?  Are we mind reading (assuming), and judging others behavior without sitting down and having a conversation with them, mentoring them?  Are we mentoring or throwing the kitchen sink at them, when we don't like what they say?  This country is full of rebellious teenagers and even adults, is the Church too?  I have mentors, but I know what it's like not to have them.  And even though I learn a lot from them and can't wait to sit down and talk to them about what God is showing me, I still miss my original mentor.  Because there is a bond we can't forget.  Mentorship is a special relationship, it's an important relationship and even when we have to hear things we don't want to hear, even though we don't always agree, it's a relationship that has meaning.  God chooses our mentors for a reason, for several reasons.  I remember Him telling me over and over when I questioned out of rebellion and lack of understanding, why He chose my first mentor, for me, "It's an uncommon friendship for an uncommon time."

 “In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.”
― Phil Collins