Back to the Cutting Board

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not." C.S. Lewis

     In my quest to get closer to God, I have had an eye opening, eye weeping experience.  It's seems like I should have gotten this already, but I did not.  Back to the onion.  We look at peeling the layers of the onion away to get to the dirt of our problem.  I have asked God repeatedly, how do I get closer to you when it's so scary?  He first brought up the peach.  I peeled the skin off with facing my past.  When I actually wrote out my story of abuse I got into the sticky meat of it, but there is a pit that has to go.
     How do we get rid of the pit?  We move to the onion.  I realized peeling away the issues and getting deeper into the onion was about becoming healthy.  What I did not realize was the layers of the onion keep God back.  With each layer peeled away, God can move that much closer.  He will not force Himself on us.  And really who wants to push into an onion?  You come out smelling pretty bad.  Our onion is made of sin, either ours or someone else's but it's pretty closely related after too many years.  The abuse does not keep us from growing and learning to love, it's the lies we believe surrounding the abuse.  As you break through the layers of lies with the truth God automatically gets closer to the real you in the middle, because He is the Truth.  It all seems so simple when He shows us a picture. 

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain” C.S. Lewis

Fight ya for it!

While preaching last week, I came off the platform to illustrate a point to a man unknown to me sitting in the crowd. I then proceeded to hug him and later found out that he was a Buddhist. He later told his wife that he felt like I hugged him for 10 minutes and he felt the Love of God for the first time in his life. He went home from church collected all his Buddhist idols, gave them to his wife and said I'm a Christian now, please get rid of all of these! I have been told that he was totally transformed... Thanks Jesus! - Chris Gore

     Jesus was crucified for all of us and for each of us.  He showed me something simple yesterday that took me all night to see what He was doing.  I had a conversation recently with a friend who told me she feels her calling is to reach out to the unsaved.  I feel like my calling is to reach out to the person who has been a child of God for years but can't figure out why they aren't growing.  We joked about being fishermen, her hooking them and reeling them in and me cleaning them.  Of course, I'm still in training.
     I was standing behind a man at a convenience store yesterday that I was drawn to.  He was a biker, by the world standards, but by God's standard He was a child worth sacrificing His son.  His back was to me so I didn't see  his face.  He was a big guy with a shaved head, earrings, and tattoos.  I could have put him in a box that society has provided, but I saw him differently.  As I stood behind him I read all of the patches on his vest.  There were a lot of the typical biker patches, but I noticed not one was vulgar.  Then one grabbed my attention and I smiled.  "America - I will fight you for it!"  I loved this, because I feel the same way.  I couldn't wipe the smile from my face.  As he was finishing up his business at the counter, I noticed his legs were shaking.  I wondered if he had a disease that was attacking his nervous system, though it went through my mind that it would be so cool if this trembling was the Holy Spirit's presence.  I didn't feel God was asking me to speak to him, though it did cross my mind to tell him I loved his patch.  When he turned around, our eyes met.  Normally I would have made sure I did not make eye contact.  How sad.  He had the most beautiful eyes.  They twinkled.  There was a softness about this big burly guy with his muscles and goatee.  I felt some kind of connection to him and I wondered if he was a believer or a pre-Christian. 
     What God was showing me is that He will provide a connection.  Maybe I should call it an open door.  I could have easily engaged in conversation with this man just by mentioning his love for our country.  I don't know if God was opening a door for me to walk through as much as He was showing me there was an open door.  He is also showing me that the closer I get to Him the more love I feel for strangers.  The more I want to reach out.  I regret not saying anything to the man, but I know I will be more likely to step out next time.  The first step to introducing Jesus is to introduce ourselves.  (I do have a new person on my prayer list.)

 Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed. ~Robert H. Schuller

Wounded Heart House?

What is the enemy? What are the factors that make past sexual abuse so shameful and the basis of such grievous self-contempt? What must be done to lift the shroud of shame and contempt? The answer involves a strategy that seems to intensify the problem: peer deeply into the wounded heart. - Dr. Dan B. Allender

     Expect the unexpected.  When following God, you never know where you will travel.  How high the mountains, how deep the valleys, and how sharp the rocks are all part of His plan, a perfect plan.  The only way to see His plan is to look behind you, because in front of you, all you are allowed to see is the back of his robe.

     God began this morning talking to me about houses.  I love houses.  I like to fantasize about building a house one day.  In fact I have a dream house all planned out, down to the bathrooms, where there will be no cupboards or laundry chutes, because that is where the child molesters hide.  Bathrooms have always been a scary place, but they will not be if I ever build my house.
     I can fantasize all day long about big rooms, a lot of rooms.  Large closets, at least three floors, and high ceilings.  Every bedroom would actually be semi-separated into two rooms so there would be a living space and a sleeping area.  Don't we all have a little fantasy about the perfect house?  When I get real about it, the house I would feel safe in, the house I have actually designed is basically all one big room.  You can see the whole house from anywhere in it.  Nobody can sneak up on me.  The bathrooms have two doors on opposite ends so if unwanted company came in one I could bolt out of the other.  Not things most people think about when designing a house.
     My conversation with God about houses turned to guests.  There are those people you meet in the front yard so they don't even make it to the front door.  It's easier to get rid of them if you don't invite them in.  There are those you invite to sit with you on the front porch and have a cold drink, but they don't get in either.  Then there is the majority who actually get to come in as far as the living room and if they are lucky, allowed to use the bathroom.  One step up from that are the friends that can go anywhere in your house, except your bedroom.  A few are allowed in there.  If we are truly blessed, there may be one friend who is allowed to follow you into the back of your closet and you don't even think about it when you open your safe in front of them.  You know, the safe we would all have in our closet with our extremely important items, like birth certificates and money, maybe jewelry and our "will", should something happen to us.
     Well God, what is all this house talk with guests and limits and sizes?  Why are we talking about this stuff.  I was sitting in the convenience store parking lot when He said it.  "Houses or hearts?"  I get it!  How complicated do we build our heart/houses?  How do we design them?  How far in do we let people?  I get it God!  Good analogy.  You want in all the way to the safe, hidden in the closet.  I get this.  That's cool.  Then God says, "I want in all the way to the shoebox on the top shelf of the closet.  What?  Some people have them.  The shoe box, the locked file cabinet, the suitcase under the bed.  That stuff we don't want our kids to see when we die.  That stuff that we know we need to throw out, because it is the past, it holds our hidden sin maybe? 
     Then God reminds me of the Winchester house.  I have been so intrigued with the Winchester house.  Sarah Winchester of fire arm fame, left Connecticut in 1884 and moved to San Jose California to build her house.  This woman built her house to confuse the evil spirits she was inviting in.  Construction never stopped.  She had stairways that went no where and doors that opened into brick walls.  This women was tormented and she brought it on herself.  The house is very interesting and huge.  I would love to tour there, but to tell the truth, I don't know if I could walk into that house.  The spirits wouldn't scare me, but if I picked up on her fear, on her torment, I don't know if I could handle it.  And why is God bringing up the Winchester House anyway?  I'm not sure if God told me or I figured it out.  That's my heart/house.  I invite people in, I confuse them with dead ends and stairways to nowhere.  What is wrong with me?
     I have been begging God to show me what else is wrong?  What am I missing?  Why can't I get this straight?  I have learned so much and grown so much, but there is still a wall between me and God.  There is still a dead spot.  I have spent this week reading, listening and praying, begging God to show me the missing piece.  What is still broken?  Is it fear?  Is it fear of abandonment?  Is it rejection?  Do I just need to learn a little self control or what?  Why does the rage still burn inside me the desire to knock somebody into the middle of next week?  God has shown me a little bit here and a little bit there, why can't I see what He is getting at?  What's in the shoebox on the top shelf of the back closet, God?
      No wonder I couldn't see it. I had put a big fat "Wonder Woman" band-aide on it.  There is nothing more frustrating than peeling back a band-aide after 40 years and the wound has still not healed.  Now what?  Dig deeper?  Are you kidding?  God had told me a while back to by a book, "Wounded Heart"  so I did and threw it in a box.  Tonight He directed me to that shoebox to pull out the book.  I DO NOT want to look at the abuse again.  I have been over it and over it and through it, but mostly around it. 
     I began to read and knew immediately this was directed by God.  Do I have to go back to counselin? , I DO NOT want to.  I'll be honest, I'm tired of cleaning up the mess left by others after 47 years.  I would like to have ten years of happiness and feeling complete and still be young enough to enjoy it, before I die.  I am feeling a little unchristian and would kind of like to share it with a couple people from my past.  But you make a decision, do I want to feel this way the rest of my life?  Or take the chance of feeling better, healthy and complete?  It can't get worse, because I've already been there.  Here I go again.  This could be really interesting to read these next few weeks.  Stay tuned...

"The first great enemy to lasting change is the propensity to turn our eyes away from the wound and pretend things are fine. The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced." - Dr. Dan B. Allender



A link to the Winchester House - very interesting.

http://winchestermysteryhouse.com/index.cfm

"We can do this!!"

Igniting Hope Ministries
There are many times in life where we can’t just think our way out of discouragement or mediocrity. Faith comes by hearing, not just thinking something (Romans 10:17). We need to rehearse past victories aloud, boldly proclaim the promises of God and remind ourselves verbally of previous things He has said.

 

 

     I left that last blog pretty discouraged.  I have tried and tried to change my thinking.  The devil throws something at me and I half heartedly quote scripture.  I remember one time at work when I was getting angry, I repeated  to myself, "I am a child of God.  I am a child of God." because that's all I could think of.  I ended up saying, "I am a child of God who has had enough." and blew up anyway.  When we set out to change something we get resistance.  I believe what I wrote to be true, but why can't I do it?

     I was getting ready to take a shower and I heard God say, "Actions speak louder than words."  Guilt set in, but He quickly explained Himself.  He said that if we tell someone they are bad with a smile on our face, they smile back and ask what they did.  If we change our tone, they take us more seriously.  When we pound them with a closed fist while we say it, they believe it.  The actions of abuse speak louder and deeper than words alone.  No wonder I think people will hear me better if I rage.  Beating myself up is not helping. 

     He also explained that I bottle it up and try not to rage instead of dealing with the anger when it first comes, though sometimes I only have a split second to catch myself.  In my childhood, I was laughed at when I got angry, I was laughed at when I cried and even crazy happy was frowned on.  It seemed too much happiness was not acceptable.  Emotions are bad was the message I got.  So I stuff them, I've been stuffing them.  I am actually so full of emotions they spill out all the time lately.  Honestly, I hate it.  When I feel anything too strongly my first reaction is to numb it.  Too happy?  Calm down.  Too angry?  Calm down.  Too anything has to go. I don't know normal levels of emotion.

     I got in the shower and Jesus started talking, like He always does.  He said, "Come to me like a child."  What is that supposed to mean?  Little kids who have done wrong should have the freedom to tell on themselves without fear.  He was asking me to come to Him at the first hint of trouble in my mind.  What He explained is that I hide.  I go days without talking to Him for fear of being in trouble.  When I can't take it anymore, then I break at His feet in a pile of guilt and shame.  I'm going at this defensively instead of offensively.  He used a great example.

     I reached out to a pastor when I decided I needed to change.  He was someone who always pointed women toward women, but I refused to talk to women and God told him, not this time.  God told him to help me.  Because of our history and the laws of nature, he set rules we were both happy to follow to make sure there was no misunderstanding and that nothing inappropriate happened.  We also kept the subject on the table.  We were both free to discuss anything that was making us uncomfortable or we weren't sure of.  The subject on the table was an offensive move.  God used this as an example to me on how we should handle any sin we don't want to fall in to. 

     A child close to His parent wants to please them and the closer we get to God the more we don't want to sin.  I am proof of that.  I have been asking Him repeatedly to fix me.  I have a lot of habits I want to break, but especially the rage inside me.  I am ruining relationships with my rage and it is putting a wall between me and God. 

     Jesus gave me a picture of myself as a child holding His hand.  He is looking down at me and saying, "We can do this."  Do I think it will be easy?  Not at all.  But the way I understand it, if we take every thought captive, we are sure to catch the bad ones before they get out of control.  Put in so much good stuff there is no room for the bad.  "Actions speak louder than words" makes sense in positive behavior too.  A child believes a parent who gives a hug or holds their hand even more when they say, "We can do this."

 

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”
― C.S. Lewis

Turn Devil's Distraction into God's Glory

“Change from the inside out involves a steadfast gaze upon our Lord that's life changing because it reflects a deep turning from a commitment to self-sufficiency. Without repentance, a look at Christ provides only the illusion of comfort.”
― Larry Crabb, Inside Out: Real Change Is Possible If You're Willing to Start from The...   

    I kind of left you hanging with the "Devil's distractions".  When you determine that it is in fact the enemy who is attacking, the next step can often be sin.  We react in anger, we fall back to our addictions, or perhaps resort to gossip or vengeance.  He knows how to get to us.  Often times our excuse is, "I can't help how I feel."  Years ago a counselor told me, "You can't control your feelings, only your reactions to them."  But how do we do this.  Feelings are a huge weapon of the enemy.
     Let's say you wake up in the morning and everything is going along fine, but on your way to work you see a mother screaming at her child, maybe even gives him a little whack on the head.  You immediately begin to think about what you want to say to her.  How you want to explain to her how damaging her actions are.  How that child could grow up to whack his own kids and so on and so on.  Eventually, you find yourself angry.  Why if you saw that woman again you would be tempted to whack her, but instead you call in sick to work, run by the liquor store and spend the day in your recliner with a bottle of whiskey.  This may seem like an extreme example, so let's try something a little different.  Everything is going fine, your on your way to work and as you sit at the stoplight, you notice the couple in the car next to you hanging all over each other, obviously still in the first stages of love.  You think about your spouse and how the flame has died.  You sulk at work all day, treating others not so well and slacking at your job.  You don't answer the phone when your spouse calls, because you know they are just going to want more from you. 
     This is the way we have always dealt with life.  Situations or even thoughts stir up feelings and the next thing we know, we are begging God for forgiveness for the same thing we promised we would never do again, last week.  Thinking controls our feelings.  What we think about a situation contributes to how we feel.  So, how do we fix it?  We replace a habit with a habit. 
     If depression is your biggest battle, make a list of the things that send you into a downward spiral.  Is it money, is it a person, or maybe it's some old situation you think about constantly.  The thoughts that go through our minds that drive us to sin are usually lies.  If you constantly think, "I will never have enough money."  Find scripture on God's  promise of provision.  It's not easy, believe me, because it's breaking a habit.  Habits are hard to break and most times they have been in our lives for many, many years.  Maybe we are negative, easily give up, or we have been told all our lives we will probably fail.  These are old lies the enemy continues to use against us, because they work.  When we get angry, depressed, or feel guilty, the enemy has done his job.  He knows our weaknesses and he waits for an open door to feed them.  Many of us fall for the same lies over and over. 
     Self discipline.  We think of it as disciplining ourselves to not pick up that cupcake or that drink, not to react in rage.  Just stop doing it.  A child does not "just stop doing it" because we tell them so how can we expect ourselves.  Discipline our minds or as the bible puts it, renew our minds.  We have to think differently.  For instance, if a child were to color on the wall, we encourage them to color on the pages of a coloring book.  If we think about what somebody did to us, we take our thinking "off the wall" and turn to the pages of the bible for scripture about anger.  Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.  We train up our minds the way we would train up a child, the correct way, not the dysfunctional way we may have raised our own.  Pretty soon the child is coloring in their book without even thinking of the wall as a temptation, while we are reading or quoting scripture.  Scripture is God breathed.  Get in there long enough and who knows what you may learn, beyond the lesson you were looking for.  Ask God for help.  He wants us to renew our minds more than we do.  He wants us to go from self discipline to being a disciple to others. 

“If we look for ways to get rid of necessary pain, we'll be disillusioned or misled. For people who define real change as the elimination of inevitable struggle, the final chapters will be terribly disappointing.”
― Larry Crabb, Inside Out: Real Change Is Possible If You're Willing to Start from The...

Adoption

“We must cease striving and trust God to provide what He thinks is best and in whatever time He chooses to make it available. But this kind of trusting doesn't come naturally. It's a spiritual crisis of the will in which we must choose to exercise faith.”
― Charles R. Swindoll


     Sometimes it amazes me how God takes all of my little experiences in life and teaches me through them today.  This morning He has brought three separate incidents to my mind.  One is an experience of my own and two are stories others told me. 
     First, He brought back to me a memory of being lost in Houston.  I had a friend on the phone and he asked me to give him the next street name.  I was so busy looking for street names, that I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings.  When I finally gave him the names of the street I was on and the cross street, his first words to me were, "Listen to me.  I don't care which direction you go, but you lock your doors, pick a direction and get out of there as fast as you can".  That's when I began to notice how different I was from the people around me.  There was not one person like me.  This in itself was not a bad thing.  It didn't scare me.  It was when I noticed they had noticed me.  They were standing on the street and in cars, all looking at me as though I had broken some rule and they were deciding how to deal with it.  I learned at a young age not to appear lost.  Always appear to know exactly where you are going for your own safety, but this time it was different.  I was on territory that I did not belong in.  My gut told me this was a time to look lost.  I was portraying innocence.  I did not intentionally break the rules, it was an accident.  I was not aware.  I picked up the key map on the seat next to me and looked down at it and then at the street signs all the way out of that area.  Instinct said I was in danger and instinct led me out.
     What God was actually showing me this morning was that we all have times when we find ourselves somewhere we do not belong.  We aren't like the others.  But when we find our way back to where we belong there is such a huge relief, it can bring tears to our eyes.  Safety.  Security.  A sense of belonging is what we want in this life.  What God was showing me was what it feels like to be a part of His family.  When we accept Christ in our hearts it should feel like coming home.  There should be a sense of belonging to His family, but mostly to Him.  We slip under His protective wing and all is well, even through the storms of life.  I see this in my friends.  They belong to Him and they worship Him as their Father, as their security, as their rescuer, their everything.  I have moments of this, brief moments.
     The next story God brought to my attention this morning was a story told to me by a man I looked up to for guidance.  We were talking about fear.  It also takes place in Houston.  his father and step-mother were foster parents for many years.  They were asked to take in a little boy and a little girl, brother and sister.  They fell in love with these kids and set out to adopt them right away.  But, these kids had been abused.  They had been badly neglected.  They found out that the kids were stuffing their pockets with food during dinner out of fear they might not be fed the next time they were hungry.  The couple found the stash of food they had been accumulating.  It was becoming moldy and old.  My friend telling me the story said his parent's had been very strict when he was young and their reaction to these children was opposite of what he expected.  He assumed they would discipline and put locks on the refrigerator and pantry.  They did not.  They dumped the stash and replaced it with fresh food.  When the children were caught sneaking food in the middle of the night, instead of sending them back to bed, they all sat down and had a snack together.  Repeatedly they told the kids they could eat anytime.  Their love for the kids was available, but the healing didn't start until the children decided one day, in a small way at first, to trust their new parents.  Even if it was just a little bit.
     What God was showing me here, is obvious.  He adopts us.  He chooses us.  Some of us don't just fall into the arms of the "New Parent" and live happily ever after.  Trusting doesn't come naturally.  Learning to be loved is like being a foreigner in a far off land.  We have to learn the language.  We have to learn the expected behavior.  Instead of disciplining us for our wounds, He gives us more of His love.
     The third story broke my heart even more than the last.  A young doctor and his wife adopted two "special needs" children.  Two boys.  The oldest had behavioral problems.  The youngest was born to a 13 year old girl who was raped by her father.  He would never talk.  he would never be trained to use the bathroom.  This was a big responsibility that took tremendous love.  Later in life when the doctor left his wife for  younger woman and started a "new" family, he went to the courts to "disown" the boys he had adopted.  The judge was furious.  He explained to the doctor that when you adopt a child, you go out of your way to say, "You are mine.  I want you."  It's not like you weren't being careful and got pregnant.  Adoption is intentional.  The judge refused to allow him to walk away from his responsibility, at least financially.  That was all he could do. 
     God says He will never let go of us.  He will never show up in the courts of heaven to say, I changed my mind.  We can't be un-adopted.  No matter the rejection by the humans in this world, God makes up for what we have gone without, but we have to allow it.  Free will. 

Graham Cooke
"God's love for us is not based on how well we do. He allows us to fail when He could have prevented it - maybe because He wants us to see how much we are loved we can't seem to do anything right. He gives us freedom to fail and His intention is to show us that we are still His beloved."

Exercise

"What does the enemy have to gain by convincing you to never deal with your past because your mind will never make it all the way through? It is a lie from the pit of hell. Today, claim your healing in Christ. It is your right as His child." - Beth Moore

      Every Monday morning I go through the same battle.  I wake up at 5am and after I have reached up blindly pushing buttons on my phone to shut off the alarm, I open one eye.  There it is.  Approximately, 5 feet away from the bed is the beast, otherwise know as the Nordic Trac.  The minute I see it, I have to close that one eye to rest it or maybe it's in hopes that I didn't really see the beast.  Maybe someone really hauled it off in the night and I only imagined it.  When I find my courage and open the eye again, I see it.  It is really there.  I immediately start whining to God, "I asked for a deep desire to exercise.  I thought you would be on my side on this one."  I can barely lift my hand to wipe the drool off my face, let alone walk a few miles on the beast.  God, what are you doing to me?  Don't you want me to lead a strong and long healthy life?
     Okay, okay, I'll get a cup of coffee and get right back up here.  I watch a 30 minute show, while I drink coffee, but then I see that the author they are interviewing is offering a book on the subject God has been talking to me about.  After the show, I order the book to my Kindle and just take a quick glance at the table of contents.  Then a little look at the first chapter.  Then I check Face Book, throw in a load of clothes, and end up in chapter 2.
     Here's the deal God, I have too much to do.  Seriously, I will start next Monday, because I know I will feel better once I do it.  I will feel stronger and have more energy and more of a drive to get back on the beast the next day.  I know I will sleep better.  I know all this God, really I do.  Yes, I also see that I have put on a couple pounds, haven't actually put on a pair of jeans in a couple months, and I'm tired all the time.  I get it.

     There was a time when I started each day like this, but I was talking to God about spiritual exercise.  I'm not awake enough to read the Bible.  I'll start praying next Monday.  Really, I will.  I think a lot of us at first fear that following Jesus will be boring.  It's not.  Then I think a lot of us fear the healing.  Healing hurts.  I remember saying over and over, "I don't want to go back there,"  I was talking about the past.  Who wants to dig up that stuff? 
     If you were to compare the spiritual exercise of cleaning up your past and the damage it's done to doing the same physically, we would be on the treadmill with baggage strapped to us, full of sweets and super sized helpings of fast food.  We would be trying to do push ups with our wrists tied together with the chains of midnight snacks and double dessert portions.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually, hurting people spend their lives saying I will get healthy one day.  One day I will put the energy into it. 
     Why don't we want to do it?  Well, because it's like a broken bone that healed incorrectly and we are going to have to re-break it to get it healed right.  It is going to hurt.  Why would God put us through this?  I heard a great sermon, I wished I would have heard before I started digging through my baggage.  It still helped because I still have a few bags to go.  I'm not saying one pastor ever gets everything right, or that my interpretation of what he said is accurate, but this is what I heard and I needed to hear it.  I even looked up the names for a better chance of having them right and so I wouldn't have to say "You know that guy who..."   Here goes... forgive me for any mistakes.

     The people who wouldn't believe in God after they made a 40 year trip out of an 11 mile or day (ha) walk all died.  No promise land for them.  One other thing they didn't do that they were supposed to, was circumcise their sons at eight days old.  Now, Joshua is leading these guys into battle and God tells him to do the circumcising of these men.  Note - Fathers usually circumcised their sons, but because their fathers were dead God sent Joshua to do for them what they missed out on in their childhood.  That alone is so cool.  Right?  Not the end of the story though.  They were to take down the walls of Jericho, but these guys are in pain.  They have been through some pretty heavy stuff.  I will never understand this, but I can only imagine.  The one time in the Bible where God says, "Just walk around the walls and shout, is when He has an army of hurting units.  Ha.  He cared about their pain.  These walls were so thick that chariots were driven on top of them, but they came down with walking, trumpets and shouts.  Maybe they were shouting in pain?  People say God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I don't agree.  I do believe He gives us enough that not only do we call on Him, but we see that it has to be His strength that got us through.  He has shown me this numerous times over the last year and a half.  He cares about our pain.  He weeps with us.  He laughs with us too.  One more point that was made in this story was things that should have been dealt with in childhood hurt a lot worse when we deal with them as adults.  Even if this story isn't accurate for what ever reason, the end result is the same.  Jesus loves us.  

“Every disability conceals a vocation, if only we can find it, which will 'turn the necessity to glorious gain.”
― C.S. Lewis   

    

Devil's Distraction

“Now we cannot...discover our failure to keep God's law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you turn to God and say, "You must do this. I can't.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity     


     Have you ever been faced with something that makes your ears hot?  That situation that has you so wound up that hearing a certain person's voice or something they said, gets your pulse racing and your face hot.  You beg God to do something.  Maybe it's words said by a supposed friend.  Maybe it's a stupid decision your child or even parent is making.  Maybe you see how one person is taking advantage of another and your hands are tied.  You can't stop thinking about it and the next thing you know you are pacing through your house having a conversation with this person in your head.  Clever words come to you and they beg forgiveness.  An hour later the fight starts all over again.  You are consumed by it and your begging God for direction and He is silent.  What am I supposed to be learning here?  Why is this happening?  Especially when I have so many other things that need my attention?  If God says anything at all it's something like, "You need to do your Bible study lesson, class is in one hour."  I KNOW, I KNOW, GOD, but what are you going to do about this other thing?  I know this happens to all of us and I just may have the answer.  Devil's distraction.  You end up skipping bible study because you're just not ready and you have too much on your mind.  Who won?
     I think our society is so spoiled, so set on what we want that we are more easily distracted than ever.  I heard a pastor speaking yesterday on "pastor burnout" and how this condition is worse than ever in this country and other countries too.  People are constantly crying out to pastors, "Help me!!" instead of going to God.  We have become dependent on them to be our God.  Only the pastor can help me with this because it is just so big.  This pastor I was listening to even said, "Can't you get through six days without my help?"
     Flesh!  Our flesh, me, me, me has become so big we are killing our pastors with our constant need.  People listen to a sermon and think, if so-and-so would hear this message and "get it" and change, my life would be easier.  This comes from a society of people who have trouble focusing even when they clean their house.  They put toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet and then throw in a load of laundry, they go back to the sink and the dish water is cold.  There is a difference between multi-tasking and being distracted. 
     Many of say, "I don't have enough time to spend with God", but don't know what they did all day.  The enemy is at work.  We hear someone said something about us and we become so consumed that we get nothing done all week, but we have spent hours thinking about what we would like to say to this person.  Maybe this is why Jesus says to be quick to forgive.  Can you imagine?  We forgive and get back to the toilet bowl that has been soaking for days.  Makes sense.  Many times I have asked God what I am supposed to be doing and He will ask me, "What is the last thing I told you to do?"   Hmm, well, last Thursday you told me to read the book of Acts.  I haven't done that yet.  Why?  Well, so-and-so is doing this or that and I have been trying to find an answer to what I am supposed to do.  Forgive and read the book of Acts, just may be the answer.
     The Holy Spirit said to me a while back, "Instead of focusing on the "Ow" that Satan is doing in your life, focus on the "Wow" Jesus is doing.  The most important commandments that God gave us was to love the Lord and love our neighbor as ourselves.  Anything that draws our attention away from this is a "Devil's Distraction".  Give it to God and get back to Him. 
     Focus is one of the enemy's greatest weapons against us.  He gets us focused on ourselves instead of God.  What do I need?  What will make me feel better, more comfortable, and even happy?  Jesus will, He is your answer.  Being comfortable, I have found, is not one of the promises from God.  In fact He says this will not be easy.  There is more growth through being uncomfortable, stepping out of our comfort zone.  If you look back over your life, when did you become closer to God?  The times He and I had great conversation and I learned the most from Him, was when I was going through dealing with my past, everything that had happened to me.  When things are good, we don't need Him as badly.  Let's be honest.  He is not a 911 God and I have to ask myself, does He allow 911 situations to get us to talk to Him?  How many times have we spent time with a friend and when it's over we realize all we did was complain about all the bad?  I enjoy my time with friends a lot more when we focus on all that God is doing in our lives.  Even if there is a real trial and not just a "Devil's Distraction" focusing on how God is taking us through it is a much more enjoyable conversation. 
     Even watching sermons and reading books God has asked us to read, can be a distraction from time with Him.  He wants relationship.  A relationship grows with time spent together.  Hard times are easier when we talk to God about them, instead of running through our phone list of friends.  Instead of whining to God, ask Him what you are to be learning.  If He says read, maybe your answer is in what He is asking you to read, or maybe the distraction is just a distraction and it's keeping you from learning something that He has for you that has nothing to do with what you are focusing on.  Joyce Meyer always says, "Go to the throne, not the phone" 
     I have to ask God sometimes, "Is there something I am supposed to be learning or is this a "Devil's Distraction"?  We do learn and grow through our trials.  Many of us realize that, but the enemy likes to imitate God, so we have to ask God, "Am I in class right now?  Or staring out the window?"  Confusion is from the enemy, clarity is from God.  We can find peace when everything is falling down around us, if we stay in God's word and stand with Jesus. 
     Is this a lesion with a reason or an attack to hold us back? 

A friend of mine just now posted this on Facebook,
Wise words....
"consider this, what your going through is not a punishment....it's just preparation for what's to come next..."~Amen! - Carie

To be like God, don't hang with the enemy

 “The gospel is absurd and the life of Jesus is meaningless unless we believe that He lived, died, and rose again with but one purpose in mind: to make brand-new creation. Not to make people with better morals but to create a community of prophets and professional lovers, men and women who would surrender to the mystery of the fire of the Spirit that burns within, who would live in ever greater fidelity to the omnipresent Word of God, who would enter into the center of it all, the very heart and mystery of Christ, into the center of the flame that consumes, purifies, and sets everything aglow with peace, joy, boldness, and extravagant, furious love. This, my friend, is what it really means to be a Christian.”
― Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God

      I heard a man tell a story that really struck me because I have recently left my job.  I only had days to train a replacement, where he had two years.  Most of us have left a job or a position of some kind, where we had to train our replacement.  Your commitment to training should not be dependent on how much you love your job or the company you work for.  We should give all we have, because we really work for Jesus.
     There are the big things to teach, like processes, computer programs, deadlines, etc., but there are also lots of little bits of info that we don't even think about, but could make the job tougher on the next person if you don't pass them on.  In my job, I passed on file cabinets, keys to file cabinets, buildings, and rooms.  I passed on my telephone number, my desk, and all those office supply type items.  I passed on hints about which people were lenient and who wanted things done right away.  I passed on who to be gentle with and who needed a little push of authority. 
     I gave my title.  I gave my space.  I gave a pep talk on how to be successful in the company's eyes.  That's kind of funny, because my pep talk was all about kindness.  I worked for a company who expected kindness and I have to admit, I failed many times in that department, yet they continued to be kind to me. 
     The other side of this coin is to be the one receiving the training.  I always worried about the little things more than the big.  Little things can make big messes.  I would hope the person training me would want me to succeed.  I would hope they would give me all they had to offer and I would be grateful. 
     One of the more recent jobs I have taken on, I wasn't trained at all.  I had a very big book set on the table in front of me.  "Here is your training manual."  Seriously?  It's told in story form.  The story is told about the perfect person, the person who did the job like no other.  He trained all of us through the Bible.  He has left instruction on what we are to do and how we are to do it.  He passed on His position, his responsibility to us.  We are to heal the sick, cast out demons, and follow the ten commandments, along with many other things.  We have all the instruction in one book.
     We still need to be able to hear from God, because He doesn't give every answer in the Bible.  He doesn't tell us which car to buy or even if now is the time to purchase.  There is no book in the Bible listing who each of us is to marry.  We have to be able to hear from God on our personal decisions.
     One thing I have noticed lately are the people God has chosen to place in my life to help me grow.  We are to love everyone, but we are also to be selective over who we choose to surround ourselves with regularly.  I was having a conversation with a friend the other day when I presented a big question I was dealing with and it was obvious why God had led me to share with her, when she had recently dealt with the same issue.  He chooses people for this reason.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit will warn us about someone we are becoming close with.  We may not understand why He seems to be preventing a relationship.  He sees the whole picture and we do not.  We have to trust Him.  He also send those for us to teach.  And even those who are difficult to be around to grow us into the person He needs us to be to fulfill our purpose.
     The common quality I see in the people around me is a desire to grow in Christ.  They are running toward Him like they have been crawling through the desert for days and He is standing there with a badly needed glass of water.  Now, every day may not be as full of active running as the others, but overall they are moving forward and the desire is there.  In a group like this we sometimes I have to pick each other up or encourage each other to keep moving but in our hearts the desire is there.  We are not supposed to judge, but we do have a responsibility to take an active role in who we choose to run with.  Someone may have all the scripture in their head, but nothing in their heart.  If someone suggest a route for you to take, but they have never been on it, you might want to pray about that a little more.  The people I learn the most from are practicing what they preach, they have been there or are where I am at the moment.  They don't pretend to know what I need to do because my walk may be different, but they will suggest and it's up to me to talk it out with God and decide.  You become what you surround yourself with.  Negativity breeds negativity, but the opposite is also true.
     Every day of this life with Jesus is about learning and growing.  It's about growing closer to Him.  Yes, we have to stop at stop signs once in a while and we have to take unexpected turns, but we also need to have the tank full of fuel and drive defensively.  Expect the unexpected.  You never know who God may set in your path and we have to be ready to pick them up, not run over them, or sometimes per God's instruction, pass them by. Some people's vehicles are just for show and others are economical for fear of the risk.  But no matter the journey God has chosen, we pick the speed we travel.  He has given us directions and we can follow them or we can find a short cut and get stuck in the mud.  You can't steer a car that is not moving and you aren't going to get very far following a parked car.

“If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”
― John Piper, A Hunger For God    
    

Our Children - Us!

Luke 18:16
But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

     After the blog on splintered souls, I have been a little messed up.  I keep getting pictures of my splintered soul poking at my children.  I only slept a couple hours last night and have been emotional all day.  I was feeling a little defeated, like this is so big.  Scott (the speaker I was listening to) talked about how our words form God, our inheritance comes from heaven through our spiritual side and then through this splintered soul and on to our physical self.  What comes out of our mouth and our actions, even though they may be good and from God, have slivers from our splintered soul.  We have people parenting and preaching and mentoring and teaching with splinters.
     I talked to God about this and He had me do something.  I want to challenge all who read this to try it.  Whether you are man or woman, baby Christian or mature, from a healthy family or a family of dysfunction, whether you believe you have been splintered or not.  Seriously, you are not to manly for this. 
     Ask God to choose a picture from your childhood.  I have one on my wall that I try to look at, but emotion bubbles up in me, because it was about the time the abuse started.  Take the picture in your hands and get on your knees before God.  Ask God to show you what that child needs to know.  The adult you, with head knowledge, knows that Jesus loves you and that He will never leave and the adult you is the only one who can tell the child you and the child will believe it.  God will start speaking through you to the little person you once were.  What ever pops in your head, trust it is from God.  I had to tell my little girl that He loves her and He will never leave her and that she is not bad.  I forgave her and asked her to forgive me.  It was hard at first, but then the words just came and God's presence did too.  There I was on my knees with a picture of me at about 7 years old, saying, "Jesus loves you so much."  It was amazing to me how badly I wanted her to know this.
     When I felt Jesus was finished talking to her, He told me to picture laying her in His arms.  Well, let's be honest, that was a little emotional too.  Then I heard him in my heart in a very soft and gentle voice say, "Leave her with me."
     I don't care how much testosterone you claim as your own or how "Whole" you think you are, this is healing and emotional.  When my child was safe in his arms, He started telling me how she felt.  How abandonment is her biggest fear.  Then He started showing me how abandonment has affected all my relationships and how the enemy uses it against me.  It was almost like parent's putting our child to bed for the night, together.  I found a new closeness to Jesus.  When I doubt He loves me, I picture Him sitting in the chair holding the little me and while He rocks her, he and I have an adult conversation about her future.



Enjoy this!!

After the last blog - Whoa!

 

 

Romans 7:14-25

New International Version (NIV)

 

¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature^[b] a slave to the law of sin.

 

Splintered Personalities?

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

     If Adam and Eve had significance, safety and security, and a sense of belonging and lost it when they believed the enemy's lies, wouldn't it make sense that man longs to get these back.  We spend our whole lives searching for these things. 
     In my studying this morning and my conversational prayer, I think a little more of this picture is coming clear to me.  Some may say "Duh" but I have never thought about.  It makes perfect sense, though the further I dig, the more it may change or the deeper I will understand it.
     We have a spiritual life and a physical life.  We are physically on this earth, but we are spiritually in Christ.  Is it our soul that connects the two?  I heard this today and it made sense.  So, isn't this where the enemy would attack?  His desire is to break the connection between the physical man and the spiritual tie to God.  I heard a man say this, this morning, "We have all had our hearts broken, but trauma breaks our soul."  Almost like a split personality, half of our soul is reaching for God and the other half is reaching for the beliefs and desires of our physical being.  Somebody sins against us and the spiritual side wants to forgive but the physical side, set on survival, says, "I don't want to."  Is this why we must die to our old self (physical feelings) and live completely in the spiritual.  Be like Christ?
     The sexual abuse I went through started at about 7 years old.  If my soul split, or splintered as this guy put it, there is the physical life and the spiritual life and they are not connected.  No wonder I have felt like there are two people in my body my whole life.  This explains a lot of mental disorders too.  Bi-polar, split personality, depression, etc.  I see the physical, earthbound side of my soul as a 7 year old, still hurting, still scared, not maturing, but instead struggling to survive.  All she knows is the lies of the enemy.  People are bad, they hurt you, nobody loves me, I am unworthy, and so on and so on.  The Spiritual side of me struggles to grow up, to mature in Christ, but is held back by this tantrum throwing child who is scared and in pain. 
     As God was explaining this to me this morning, He reminded me of a story I wrote years ago.  I believe I wrote about it recently in my blog.  I wrote it for an alcohol counselor who used it to help grown men understand the child within them.  It was about twins banished to an island, because they were different.  They were joined at the fingertip and one would grow into a man while the other remained a child.  The grown man twin hated the child for holding him back and for being the root of all his problems, like being banished to the island.  One day one of the men started to nurture his child, hug him, bathe him, and so on.  The little child disappeared that night inside the man and they became one.  In a sense, he forgave the child.  The Holy Spirit and I had quite a laugh when He reminded me that I had written out the story almost 20 years ago without even realizing how much of the answer it held. (Check my blog on July 11, 2012  Boys or Men)
     This answers so many questions for me.  Like how can I be happy and following God one minute and the next cussing like a sailor in a rage.  Rage is a false sense of strength.  That little broken kid was trying to look big, to feel safe.    So my next question to God was, if the old self is supposed to die, what am I suppose to do with this kid.  If my soul is splintered, this doesn't make sense.  I'm supposed to kill off part of my soul?  He said, "No.  Forgive.  Forgive that little girl for doing what she knows to survive.  Tell her that I will never leave her.  Tell her to trust me.  She thinks I abandoned her which is a lie from the enemy.  He hurt her.  It was not Me.  I have loved her every minute of her life and she doesn't have to be strong anymore.  Just tell her to let go and trust me.  You are the only one who can convince her to believe in me."  This is the total opposite of what I have been doing.  I have been screaming at her to get out of my life.  I've been telling her that she is ruining my life.  All this does is throw her back into survival mode.  These are her biggest fears, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal.  This explains the constant war inside me.  One side of my soul who is believing the enemy's lies and the other side of my soul believing God's truth.  It's not God and Satan fighting over me, it's a split belief system.  It makes it a lot easier to forgive her when I truly see that broken child trying desperately to survive instead of an adult who should know better.  This also makes it much easier to love others.  If we see each other as these split souls, a spiritual person reaching for God and a broken child surviving by doing what they know, how can we judge?
     It is clear to me why the enemy attacks in this way.  One, he breaks the tie between us and God.   We have this immature earthly self who was traumatized, most likely by authority and so they rebel against the authority of God.  Authority is a scary bad thing to a child who has suffered at it's hand by sexual abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, neglect, etc.  God has been setting me up for this for years.  When I was in counseling years ago, my counselor, for reasons unknown, had me meet with him and another client who had been sexually abused along with a sibling through satanic ritual.  All these years I have wondered why he always had us meet together, but at this moment it is now clear to me why so much of the satanic rituals include sexual abuse, child sacrifice, etc.  Satan is splitting souls.  She was the only one who truly understood how I felt, like I had two people living in my body.  The good soul and the bad soul, not realizing they were one, but split.
     I was a stubborn kid.  VERY stubborn.  I knew God was real and good, because my grandma told me He was.  It took 4 predators over many years to convince that stubborn little kid that God was not safe, that God was not going to protect me, that He didn't care about me and He didn't care about me because I was bad.  I put up one good fight, but the enemy won and captured half of my soul.  When Jesus says we are to come to Him like children, I never understood how that was possible.  After all I had seen, how was I to go back to that innocence?  I don't even remember being there.  But with what God said to me today I get it.  The spiritual side of us (in Him) needs to be the one to carry that other wounded child side to Him and lay her in His arms.  Anyone who has been abused understands what a task that is.  When I get this picture of me as the spiritual adult, placing that 7 year old abused baby in Jesus arms, the first thing she does is sit up and try to run.  Authority has done a number on her.
     I continued listening to this man today and even more is revealed.  The part of my soul who is still a child, never matured and trying to survive in Satan's world, has splintered even more.  There is the bully, who will do anything to protect us.  There is the victim who always blames everyone else.  There is Miss familiar who says I won't survive without all these splinters (personalities) that protect me.  The depressed who sees no hope and no way to change this.
     As I listen to more of what this man has to say, he finally, finally gets to the part where he gives instruction to healing a broken, splintered, soul.  He says over time, God will reveal each splinter.  This part of our soul lives in darkness and it is only the Light shined on them that will reveal them to us.  When He does we are to forgive them as though they are another person, "You are forgiven. You are purified. You are redeemed."  Then in the first person we claim, "I am restored."  Then as a whole person, we repent.  He says for the first time since the splintering began we get access to parts of our mind, parts of our will and parts of our emotion that have been denied to us since the day the trauma occurred.  He says only then can we completely, because we are whole, forgive those who committed the sin against us.  Wow.  That makes total sense.  He said that until this day we could only partially forgive.
     This is how the enemy is keeping us from being whole, from being complete.  Now I look back to the illustrations God was giving of the church body as a whole.  No wonder it so broken.  I see these hands reaching out for the lost, but the bones in most of the fingers are splintered.  We can pick them up, but our own pain makes us let go.  The pain in our own splintered body makes it difficult to hold onto anything for very long.  The splintered bones in the legs of the body are painful and we fight to keep following Jesus.  Parts of the body are healthy, but how many of us are struggling because our souls are splintered?  If so many of us as individuals are divided in our souls, this has to affect the division of the church as a whole.  I think this is the wave that's coming.  I think this is the big plan God is about to wash over us and there is going to be a healing of the body like never before. 
     The enemy uses us against each other.  Many diseases are caused by unhealthy emotions.  The enemy has messed with the immune system of the church body.  The pieces of our broken souls are fighting against each other.  To bring them together is to have the inner peace God has offered us.


1 Corinthians 12:21-26

New International Version (NIV)


21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” 22 On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.  

Just Thinkin'

It is with our hands that we do the work of Christ and it is with our feet that we follow Him.  Is this why the nails were driven through these parts of Jesus body on the cross?  Luke 23:36  The soldiers also came up and mocked Him.  They offered Him wine vinegar and said, "If you are the king of Jews, save yourself."  This leads me to believe that the offer of wine vinegar was a mockery.  A sour wine?  Was this a last slam against the most powerful part of the body in doing God's will?  The tongue.
    

Belonging replaced by Abandonment

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

     As I set out to find the reason for slipping back into the pit I have to face that my two strongest strongholds are fear and anger.  I have beat a lot of fear in the last two years, but have barely put a dent in my anger issues.  On a daily basis I am more calm than I have ever been, but when the anger comes it can still feel like trying to control an erupting volcano. 
     The last few days I have been listening to a man speak mostly about healing through forgiveness of our sins, forgiving those who have sinned against us and forgiving our ancestors who may have, through their sins, placed a generational curse on our families.  This has been very interesting. 
     He really caught my attention today when he said there are 3 main heart wounds that cause fear and anger and can possibly harden the victims heart.  The three are 1) Betrayal 2) Abandonment  and 3) Rejection.  Makes sense to me.  These three wounds are a powerful force in controlling our will.  In Neil T Anderson's book "The Bondage Breaker" he states that three things Adam and Eve enjoyed before they were deceived were 1) Significance - Humanity had a divine purpose 2) Safety and Security - God provided for all of humanity's needs 3) Belonging - Humanity had a sense of identity and belonging to God and to each other.  These were lost when the teeth hit the apple.  Do you see what I see?  The enemy has been after the same thing since the very beginning.  Nothing new here.
     There are people who can see into the supernatural world.  Some see the demonic, some see God's angels, and some see other things that I don't yet understand.  But I think I am starting to understand that demons leave their prints on us.  Even if the demon is cast off of us, if he has been with us for a long time, there are prints left behind.  I get a picture of God working the clay to get the enemy's thumbprints out of it.  Pretty painful.  We grow accustomed to reacting a certain way to a given situation and if that print is still there it affects us.  I also believe that when we have a demon spirit attached to us, we can recognize that spirit on someone else.  I think this why abused children and adults who have been abused as children have a special bond and seem to be drawn to each other.  I think this also has something to do with the people who anger us.  They say when you don't like something about someone it's because you are alike in that area.  Say if you have a controlling spirit or deal with promiscuity or a manipulative spirit, you get frustrated with people battling the same demon because you hated it in yourself.  Make sense?
     Today I heard that when shown a spirit of rejection on a person it appears as an arrow in the heart that creates a shunt and it acts like a magnet and draws predators.  Abandonment is like a poisonous dart.  The enemy wants to label an abandoned person as a victim.  Betrayal  - a butcher's knife in the back.  I don't get this, but I do have trusted friends that see this kind of supernatural... stuff.  I don't know if it comes to them in a picture, like God sometimes gives me or if they actually see it on the person.  This all makes sense. You have to heal the heart wounds, through forgiveness. I thought I did that when I went through The Bondage Breaker course, but I'm wondering if it's time to go through it again at a deeper level. I forgave ancestors, but I wonder if I missed something.  
     You can forgive the rapist for the rape, but then you realize you have to forgive him for your fear of the dark, then for how it has affected your parenting and so on and so on.  I also think there is something to forgiving his parent's.  It's a place to start.  I keep listening and reading and studying.  One day God will say, "That's it.  You got it". 


“...abused women... convert their rage and self contempt into a passionate commitment to never be hurt again.” Nancy Groom

Gifts in the Body

“When you know that everything matters—that every move counts as much as any other—you will begin living a life of permanent purpose.”
― Andy Andrews

     When I was young, I was always jealous of those kids who had a passion for something so deep they wanted to know everything they could about it.  There was the kid who was so into baseball he knew all the statistics and had all the cards.  It was all he talked about.  There was the person in the band who taught themselves the theme to M*A*S*H on the saxophone, because they were so into playing.  When Dad left, I had to sell my horse and with it went my passion for it.  I never had a drive for anything, but writing and I even stopped doing that too.  What God showed me today is that I have found my passion.  The one thing I want to know everything there is to know, I can't learn enough about, is God.  He pointed out that it has resurrected my passion for writing.  Hmm, was that planned?  I want to know all the history, everything about what He is doing now, and all there is to know about the future.  I have always liked a good story and this one goes on and on and on.
     I seriously think that God gets a kick out of showing me the simplest things.  He makes them so interesting.  Not just the way He shows me, but the way it all comes together.  For instance this morning He kept bringing up the "church body"  We are each a piece to that puzzle.  Some of us are the hands that lift others up and some of us are the feet and lead others.  We have prophets who hear and preachers who speak.  We all have a place, we all have a purpose.  Some are the arms of comfort and some are the strong backs that carry the weak. 
     He then pointed out to me, and I'm still not sure why, but when Jesus was crucified the nails were driven through His hands and feet.  There is something to that, but I haven't seen it yet.  While I was thinking about this He brought a movie to mind.  A movie where the "bad guys" cut off people's ears or fingers and sent them to the families of the victim, to say either "We have him" or "We killed him".  They also tortured people this way to get them to talk. 
     I can see the enemy at work here.  He fooled those "bad guys" (mafia, gangs, etc.) into thinking they were good, because they had things like family loyalty and would do anything to protect those families.  The enemy used the truth to deceive.  The head of the family was usually a very intelligent person.  In fact in the third part of the Godfather Michael Corleone says to his nephew, "Never hate your enemies, it affects your judgment."  How true is that?  Wisdom.
     The speaker I have been listening to the last few days said today, "The only difference between Adolf Hitler and you is that he was deceived."  The more I thought about it the more sickening it was.  We all know the truth, our truth, but Hitler had his beliefs and he was just as sure of those beliefs as I am that God is real.  He was deceived and I have to admit, I have a little compassion for the guy.  The enemy must have started on him before he left his mother's womb.
     Another thing the man talked about this morning was our free will and that God's gifts and His call on our lives are irrevocable.  (Romans 11:29)  So, what if God's call on Hitler's life was to be a speaker of the Gospel.  He had a gift for speaking.  He had Biblical knowledge, but he also had free will.  I have heard so many times that the enemy comes against us in a big way when we have a big calling.  What if God had an amazing plan for Hitler.  What if all those people who listened and followed him were hearing God's word instead of the enemy.  What if the enemy knew the anointing Hitler had on his life and worked over time to get him working against God and God's people.  Two years ago I spent a lot of time reading and watching everything I could get my hands on about WWII.  Hitler had a lot of mental turmoil.  Looking back at all that I learned about him this makes perfect sense.  It's one thing for the enemy to convince us not to do God's will, but if he can actually get us deceived into working against God, look at all the damage that can be done.  If I remember right, Hitler thought he was working for God at one time, but I think a little pride and greed and ego got fed to him.
     I guess what God was showing me, was how the enemy whacked off a hand?  Maybe a foot?  Maybe it was just a finger? of the church body and sent it to God wrapped in striped pajama's and Nazi uniforms.  It happens every day on a much smaller scale and it's still happening on a big level.  Look at sex trafficking and other kinds of slavery, gifted people are running those operations.  We choose to use our God given gifts and anointing for the enemy or ourselves, instead of for God like He intended.  It makes you wonder where those psychics on the hot lines came from.  This world has some amazingly gifted people on the wrong side.  We all have irrevocable God given gifts.  What...Who are we using them for?

Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed. ~Robert H. Schuller

Climbing the Cactus

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" - Helen Keller


     "Jesus, I'm ready.  I'm going to grab the cactus.  If I go really fast, it will still hurt, but it will be over faster."
     "That's how you do it."
     "Great idea huh?"
     "Not!!  What I mean is that's how YOU always choose to do things.  You live life in 5th gear.  How much time do you have to process in 5th gear?  You eat fast, you talk fast, you move fast, you fall fast.  This is a process and you have to take it one step at a time with my instruction.  This is going to hurt no matter how you do it, but it doesn't have to hurt like you think.  You move slow and break off each spine as you go.  Some people have long sharp spines on their cactus and some have smaller spines.  But sometimes it's the smaller spines that hurt the most."
     "I'm not sure I understand."
     "This isn't a race.  The finish line is the goal, but not reached until Heaven.  The journey is where it's at.  That's where we build relationship.  That's where you learn to trust me and that's where you will see how much I love you.  One "sure footed" step at a time."
     "So where do I start?"
     "At the beginning.  Let's get rid of control.  The first thing you have to do is stop controlling and let me.  I want you to break off those first spines.  Right there, the first one, is control of your life, then controlling others and that big one there, that's your attempt at controlling Me.  No hurry, whenever you're ready go ahead and start busting them off."
     "What do I do with them?"
     "You can throw them completely out of reach or you could drop them into your pit so you can be poked by them if you decide to slide back in.  Your choice."
     So I find a comfortable position and begin to break off the cactus spines of control.  It's tough.  They don't want to break off and I find myself pricking my fingers and hands on other spines.  It hurts, but I diligently and slowly work at it.  "Jesus, I have been working at this a long time and I have barely touched the cactus."
     "I know, but I will be here through the whole process, sometimes directing you and sometimes I will be so silent you will think I have gone, but believe."
     As I continue to work at it, I become so frustrated, I finally say, "OK, I'm done fighting this, I give up.  Will you help me?"  It's then that I see the spines of control fall away.
     "Surrender is the answer for the need to control.  Now, you will need to break off those big spines of unforgiveness.  Then you will be able to reach the shorter ones around them."
     "What are the shorter ones?"
     "Your fuse."  Jesus began to chuckle.
     I found myself smiling with Him, but not understanding.  "What do you mean?"
     "Anger and rage."  He was still smiling.  "You have a short fuse."
     "Funny, really funny.  Nice play on words."
     "Yes, it was.  You will have to forgive to break the spines of unforgiveness and eventually the spines of anger will fall away.  You have to truly forgive and I will help you with that."
     I began again to work at the spines on the cactus, occasionally looking up to be overwhelmed by the length of the cactus and the abundance of spines I had to clear to climb out of my pit.  "Why a cactus?  Seriously, why did you choose a cactus knowing it would hurt?"
     "Dealing with these things is painful, but if you allow me to guide you through the pain is lessened.  My love for you is like a thick blanket thrown over the cactus to protect you from being pierced badly."
     "I'm going to trust You on that."
     "Did you know that a cactus stores water?"
     "I've heard that."
     "The spines are for protection."  Jesus smiled that contagious smile again.
     "I get that.  It's about survival."  I couldn't help but smile back.
     "The spines don't only defend against herbivores, spines help prevent water loss."
     "You lost me.  I don't understand what I am supposed to be understanding."
     That's when Jesus reached out and touched my hand.  "You are the cactus and the water inside is the Living Water.  You have grown these spines for survival, for protection, but Beloved, these spines are holding the water in."
 
“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”
― Mother Teresa