Another Round?

“I've been burdened with blame trapped in the past for too long, I'm moving on”
― Rascal Flatts


      I don't think I have ever watched the movie Groundhog Day.  Why would I subject myself to that?  What a nightmare.  I was talking with a friend today and we seem to be on parallel paths dealing with similar issues at the same time.  Our stories and the people involved are totally different, but the base of it is the same.  It is really helping us to look at each other's situation to see ours more clearly.  Here is the funny part - I've been here before.  Yep, and I didn't even see that I was coming back here.  You know when you trust someone else to get you somewhere and you're just relaxed staring out the passenger window and suddenly you realize "We've been here before."  I'm good with directions so it only happens to me when I let someone else have control of the wheel.  Ha.  "We just went in a big circle" is a very irritating statement.
     What I have realized though is when you feel like you are waking up to another groundhog day, it's time to get it right.  God will take you in a complete circle and give you another chance to listen to Him.  Lately, I have made statements like, "How did I get back here?"  and "Why does God always make me deal with this?" and even, "What a dumb ass, how did I fall for that again?"  I have been here before.
     My dad taught me when I rode horse up in the mountains to look back every once in awhile.  That way you will recognize the path from the opposite direction.  On certain paths this makes sense and if you are going back the way you came.  Another thing he always said is to take note of things like oddly growing trees, fallen trees, and things that stand out.  I do this when driving to this day.  That way, I can find my way back and more importantly, I don't find myself going in circles or at least I catch myself.
     Recently, God told me He has been giving me dreams with meaning all my life.  Immediately two of them came back to me.  The first was one I had more than once as a very young girl.  I was walking into my house, feeling happy to be home, when all of a sudden there were pirates every where.  I ran back outside and looked at the house.  It sure looked like our house, but it was set on a ship and there was a pirate flag.  So, I went to find my house and make sure it was the one without the flag.  When I found it and went in, guess who was back?  Sure enough, I would go outside and there was what looked like our house but on a ship, with that darn flag again.  The Lord told me that the dream represents the enemy trying to take my life.  The pirates represented the demonic and they were imitating my house to make me comfortable.  He does like to imitate God.  The other dream I won't get into it, but it was symbolic of exactly the situation I am in right now.  I feel this was God's way of saying, I'm talking to you and have always been.  He has always been with me. 
     So what some might call "Ground hog's Day" I am calling a "Return to the Pirate Ship"  Here I am.  This is a little different though as God allows it.  He sends us back around the mountain until we get it right.  The way I see it, I was so busy making sure there was no flag, that I missed all the other signs, like the hull of the ship.  We try so hard not to end up back in the same situation that we fall right into a little different version.  It's like the person who tries very hard to make sure the cook doesn't put tomatoes on his burger, but has ketchup dripping from his chin from the French fries.  Ahh, but I didn't eat the tomatoes.  Really?  The feelings are all the same when the allergic reaction hits!
     As soon as you find yourself saying "How did I get back here?" you have to realize you missed something in the first lesson.  Then you ask God what you were supposed to learn from it and He will walk you through it again.  And again.  And again, until you get it right.  The funny thing is, whether the person in the mess with you realizes it's his Ground hog's Day again, too.  I'm sure glad God spices it up a bit and changes the names and the faces to protect my innocence.  Ha.
     Another thing He is showing me through this is when you go through the same thing over and over, it is an area He wants you to be strong in, because He is going to use you.  My friend for instance, is continually put in positions where she has to confront.  Her plan has always been to run, but God says "No, not this time."  Where ever the enemy keeps attacking is where God wants to grow you so He can use you.  Yep, it's usually your strongest weakness.  If you truly ask God into your heart and make a commitment to follow Him, He isn't going to let you skate through this life.  He is going to call you on it.  You can either run around the mountain again, wake up to Ground hog's Day, or climb aboard the same pirate ship, or you can say, "Enough.  I'm going to face this head on and learn my lesson, so God can use me to teach others."  Don't get comfortable with your pirates, because they will cut you.


“Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger”
― Sara Evans

Beloved (continued)

John 14:27
King James Version (KJV)
27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

     With her box of Truth the King had transformed into Water, Beloved set out to find the shepherd boy.  She hadn't spent much time outside of the castle and was enjoying the sun on her skin.  The land of Peace was such a beautiful place, she couldn't hold back her smile.  After a short time of walking something caught her attention.  Out of the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of a shadow ducking behind a tree.  That old familiar spirit came to her and she knew in her heart it was one of the Dark Men.  She continued on her way, though now she kept an eye out for the enemy.  She hadn't realized they were allowed so deep into the land of Peace.
     She was getting hungry when she finally came upon the shepherd boy's fields.  She could see him in the distance laughing with a group of people.  They were eating together and the smell of the food made her stomach rumble.  She was hungrier than she had realized.  When she approached, she expected the shepherd boy to be upset, but his reaction was the complete opposite, as he seemed pleased to see her.  She soon joined in with the laughter and the meal, feeling like she had known the people for many years. 
     The sun was going down when the guests left her and the shepherd boy alone.  He was preparing a bed roll for himself when he began to question her.
     "Why have you come out this far?"
     "Our Father sent me."
     He looked at her as though He was very confused and continued preparing for the night.  "I assume you plan on spending the night here, because it is too dangerous for you to walk back in the dark."
     "I guess I will have to."
     The shepherd boy walked over to where she was sitting and spread out a bed roll for her.  "What is the reason for your visit?"
     "Our Father has asked that I would come and wash your feet."
     "You are telling me that the King sent a defenseless, scared girl out into the darkness to sleep on the ground?" He spun around looking over the land.  "You are saying that He sent you here to be with me in the dark all night with no one around for miles?  That, my dear Beloved, does not make sense.  I don't believe the King has sent you at all.  Why, I believe it was the Dark Men."
     Beloved watched him, wide eyed.  He was right, it didn't make sense.  If she were the shepherd boy she wouldn't believe it either.  She could not find any words to calm his fears.  "I don't know what to say."
     He stared at her with anger in his eyes, "I don't know why the King sent me to pull you out of that pit anyway?  You have caused me nothing but grief."
     Just then it dawned on her, "Shepherd Boy, you know the King sent you to get me out of the pit.  You heard it with your own ears.  He trusted you all those nights in the woods as we traveled to the land of Peace.  Why wouldn't He trust you now?"  She watched as the realization of the truth covered his face.  "Remember?  He told you not to hurt me.  And He always tells me He is looking for a people He can trust.  He trusts you."
     His face softened as he looked at her.  "Do you trust me?" 
     She was hesitant, but said, "If the King trusts you, then I will trust you."
     He chuckled as he made his way back to his bedroll.  "I just don't know about you."  He smiled at her as he sat down.
     She returned the smile, "Would you like me to wash your feet now?"  She immediately regretted asking.  Maybe it would be better to wait until morning.
     The scowl returned to the shepherd boy's face, "No."
     Beloved was relieved when the shepherd boy said goodnight and she could allow herself to find sleep.  Of course the King would not have sent her out here to be alone with the shepherd boy if he was not safe.  Sleep found her almost immediately.

     She hadn't slept long when something gently woke her.  She could hear the sheep stirring in the field and was drawn to go see what was happening.  She could see by the light of the fire the shepherd boy was still sleeping and thought only for a second about waking him.  She followed a well worn path to where the sheep were.  A few of them lifted their heads to see her coming and moved toward her, almost as though they found comfort in her presence.  She sensed right away though that something was stirring them.  She could barely see from the light of the moon as she wandered in amongst the sheep looking for whatever was causing unrest.  Then she saw it.  There were three of the Dark Men and they each had a sheep flipped over onto their backs.  Something rose up in her and she picked up a handful of stones and began to throw them wildly at the Dark Men.  Just then she saw the shepherd boy's lamp light fall over the scene. 
     "What are you doing to my sheep?" he screamed at her.
     "I'm trying to get the Dark Men to leave them alone."  She turned back to where the Dark Men had been holding down the sheep, but they were gone.  There lying on their backs with blood dripping from them were the three sheep. 
     The shepherd boy walked over to where they were and swung his lamp light as he turned and lit up the whole area.  "Dark Men?"
     "Yes.  They were here attacking the sheep and I was throwing stones..."  She could see by his expression that he did not believe her.
     "Go back to your bedroll and do not leave it until first light.  Then I want you to go back to the King, our Father and tell Him what you have done here.  He will deal with you.  I have to tend to these wounds."
     Beloved tried to argue, but the shepherd boy only pointed back toward the fire where they had been sleeping and motioned for her to go.  She hurried back to lie down, angry at the Dark Men and angry at the shepherd boy.  There was nothing she could do or say, for again it looked like she was doing the work of the Dark Men.  Why had the Father even sent her?  She wanted to be back at the castle in His lap, far from the darkness she was in. 
     She tried to find sleep, but it was impossible.  She stared up at the sky and wished for morning to come.  Soon she heard the shepherd boy making his way by the fire and she pretended to sleep.  Instead of crawling back into his bedroll he walked off toward the woods.  Before Beloved knew it, she was following him, hiding from tree to tree so he would not see her.  He walked to the creek that separated the land of Peace from the land of the Lost.  He knelt down and took a drink.  Across the creek she could barely see a group of Dark Men laughing and dancing.  It caused a chill in her spine, but even more chilling was the smile on the shepherd boys face.  He seemed to be enjoying watching them. 
     Beloved noticed the shepherd boy examining a log that had fallen across the creek.  It seemed he was thinking about crossing over it.  She could not hold back her fear and jumped from behind the tree.  "Don't do it.  Don't go over there."
     He was angry.  "I was not about to go over there.  I don't know what you think you saw, but just because you think it, does not make it real."
     "I'm scared for you."
     "Don't be.  I know what I am doing.  I told you to go to sleep and prepare to leave at first light."
     She made her way back through the darkness with the shepherd boy's presence clearly behind her.  She wanted to run all the way back to the King, but knew she had been sent for a purpose.  She curled up on her bedroll and tried to find sleep.

     In the morning, Beloved woke to the shepherd boy preparing a meal.  He was obviously still angry from the nights events.  She crept around so as to not cross his path and put away the bedroll. 
     The anger dripped from his words, "I will feed you and then I want you to go.  You must tell the King what happened.  You can also tell Him that I would rather you never return to this place."
     She looked down at the box of truth.  "I cannot return to the King until I have washed your feet."
     He huffed at her and handed her a plate.  After they had eaten he sat on the ground near her and exposed his dirty feet.  She didn't want to wash them anymore than he wanted her to.  She knelt on the ground trying not to make eye contact with him.  As she slowly opened the box to pour the water over his feet, the shepherd boy asked, "What is that?"
     "Truth."
     "That is not what truth looks like.  What happened to the written words from the King?"
     "He turned it to water."
     The shepherd boy slapped the box from her hand, "That is not truth.  You go now.  I know what truth looks like and that is not it."  he jumped to his feet.
     "Truth doesn't only come on paper.  Many truths the Father has given me were not written words."
     "The Dark Men sent you with that potion, didn't they?  Didn't they?  Admit it.  You are here to destroy me."
     She picked up the empty box and stood to face him.  She screamed in his face, "The Dark Men don't need to send anyone to destroy you.  You are a stupid shepherd boy and soon they will lure you to the other side and you won't even see it until it's too late.  I feel sorry for you shepherd boy.  You think you know everything, but you don't."  Without looking back, Beloved ran all day until she reached the castle.
     She washed her feet at the door and tried to sneak off to her room, but the Father's voice found her.  "Beloved, why have you returned without washing the feet of the shepherd boy?"
     She entered His throne room and knelt at His feet, "The shepherd boy knocked the Water You gave me out of my hands and it all spilled out.  See?"  She held the box open for Him.
    The King said, "You are very angry with him?"
     "Yes Father.  He doesn't see.  He refuses to believe the Dark Men are out to get him, not me."
     The King stood and gently touched the top of her head, then He walked over to the far wall where a mirror was placed between two burning candles.  "Beloved, look in this mirror."
     Beloved stepped up in front of the mirror and looked at her reflection.  "Why am I looking in this mirror, Father?"
     "Tell me what you see."
     "I see a dirty face, streaked with tears."
     "Look into your eyes, Beloved and tell me what you see."
     "I see pain and frustration.  I see hurt."
     Just then a gentle breeze swept through the room causing the candles on either side of the mirror to flicker.  Beloved watched them, ready to relight them if they blew out.  When the air stopped moving she looked back to the mirror.  Startled, she took a step back, because there in the mirror was the shepherd boy's face staring back at her.
     "Now, what do you see?"
     "The shepherd boy."
     "Look into his eyes and tell me what you see."
     She fought back tears, "I see anger."
     "Is it the same anger you feel toward him?"
     "I don't know."
     "Why is he angry?"
     "He thinks I am doing the work of the Dark Men.  He thinks I was hurting his sheep and he won't believe me that the Dark Men were there."
     "Beloved, love and truth are what I sent you with to give to the shepherd boy.  Love and truth are the most important and valuable gifts we can give each other.  The Dark Men are going  to come against love and truth with hate and lies.  They don't want you to be friends with the shepherd boy, because if you come into agreement, you may expose them.  They want to break you down to take over and destroy My Kingdom, but they first have to start by taking over the Land of Peace."
     "I understand."
     "Now look into the mirror and tell me what you see.  Look into the heart of the shepherd boy."
     "I see pain and frustration, hurt and fear."
     "Always look at the heart, Beloved.  The heart is where the truth is.  Even a smile can hide the heart.  Let's walk in the garden."
     "But I am so tired."
     "You may sleep, but I want you to choose to walk with me."  With that she watched Him disappear from the room.  She began to weep, but hurried to catch up with Him.  "I'm happy you decided to join me Beloved."
     "Father, even though I see what is truly in the shepherd boys heart, how can I speak to it if he keeps it hidden?  He was so... so ... he was so filled with pride and arrogance and thought he knew what happened... he didn't see... he thought I..."
     "Pride?  Pride is a mask to cover insecurity.  The wearer cannot see it."  He stopped to face her, "Beloved, you wear one now."
     "What?  I don't understand."
     "The Dark Men come in the night and feed insecurity.  They slip a mask over the head of their victim and that mask is called pride."
     "Do You mean they put one on me when I was sleeping?"
     "You returned before you had completed the task I had sent you to do, to wash his feet.  You believed you knew what was better at the time.  That is pride, thinking you know better than I, what should be done."
     "I'm sorry.  Will You forgive me?"
     "It's already done."  He smiled.  "But your purpose hasn't change, just because it seems impossible to you.  You will need to return to the fields."
     "I will need more truth before I can return to the shepherd boy."
     "The box is filled."  They continued to walk.
     "Papa, I am afraid to go back.  He doesn't see what the Dark Men are doing."
     "When I sent the shepherd boy to get you from the pit, you did not see clearly what the Dark Men were doing in your life.  All you knew was that people hurt you and your life was full of confusion.  Nothing seemed to be going well and you were unsure of the cause."
     "That's true."
    "That's all I speak, Truth."  His smile broke into laughter.  "Beloved, I enjoy my time with you.  You try so hard to understand, but you make it complicated.  It's simple.  Let it be."
    She was smiling though she wasn't sure why.  "I had to learn to think to survive in the land of the Lost." 
     "But here, all you have to do is follow and you can even enjoy the warfare against the Dark Men in my rest and in Peace."  He sat on a bench located at the center of the garden and motioned for her to sit next to Him.  "The shepherd boy wanted to give up on you too when you were blind to the Dark Men, but he persisted.  You were afraid and didn't always listen to him. He had the truth and many times you knocked it out of his hands."
     "Okay.  I will return to the shepherd boy."
     "Maybe the reason you find this so frustrating is because you see yourself in him.  Like standing in front of that mirror."
     Beloved thought about her anger, her weaknesses, her strengths and her fear of trusting.  "Yes.  Yes, it is."
     "What if I told you that the shepherd boy was not the intended mirror?"
     "I don't understand."
     "What if you are the mirror?"  He watched her expression change from confusion to wonder.  "What if the shepherd boy needs you more than you needed him?  Maybe his pit is deep and he doesn't even know he is in it?"
     "Is that true?"  She thought for a moment.   
     "I have something for you."  The King held out His hand and opened it to reveal a heart shaped locket.  "This goes with a gift I have already given you."
     "What is that?"
     "Like the shepherd boy, I have given you a shepherd's heart.  This locket is where you will keep the hurts, sins, and concerns of the people you meet.  Then you will bring them to me."  He got to His feet.  "Come with me."
    They entered the throne room and He led her to a box located behind the throne.  "This is where you empty the locket.  You place the hurts, sins, and concerns in this box for me to take care of."
     "Father, if these things are so important to you, why do you keep them in a box behind You and not where You can see them?  It just seems you might forget about them back here."
     "The location does not represent importance, it represents time.  It is finished.  I have already addressed these things and it is behind me.  The reason you empty the lockets into this box is a reminder to you that I am the King and only I can solve these issues.  I have given you a piece of my heart that is not easy to carry and to keep these things in your locket would become more like a ball and chain than a gift."
     "I understand."
     "It's time for you to sleep.  You will eat with me at dawn and then return to the shepherd boy."

      Breakfast was quiet, even though Beloved tried to hide her fear and her desire to remain in the castle instead of returning to the shepherd boy.  Afterwards the King invited her to sit on His lap for a while before she left.  After some time He asked her, "What is your fear?"
     Beloved knew that the King's questions were lessons for her, because it seemed He already knew the answers.  She thought about it for some time before she answered, "He hates me."
     "Do you think he is capable?"
     "Of hating me?"
     "Yes, that is your fear."
     "Sometimes."
     "If he is capable of hating you, then his heart is not right with me.  Is your friendship more valuable than his heart?"
     She thought about the King's question and she thought about the times she told the shepherd that she hated him.  "Well, I... no.  I guess not."
     "I know how it feels to be hated.  Hate is from the Dark Men.  You must separate your hate for the Dark Men from the one they torment.  You must keep the two separate or it will destroy you.  Once the shepherd boy's heart is healed it will not be capable of hate.  Neither will yours."
     She reached up and wrapped her arms around the King's neck without even thinking.  He returned the hug and she felt more complete than she ever had.  As much as she did not want to see the shepherd boy, she did want to see him held by the King. 

     As Beloved approached the fields, she saw the shepherd boy throwing stones at the sheep.  She hurried toward him wondering if he was trying to scare off an attack by a wild animal or if maybe he was finally seeing the Dark Men. 
     "Do you see them?", she hollered.  "Do you see the Dark Men?"
     He turned to face her and she saw the anger in his eyes.  He pulled his arm back and threw a stone at Beloved.  "You are nothing but trouble."
     Beloved had learned to lower one shoulder and let the stone roll down and off her back.  Many years of living with the Dark Men had taught her this.  All it did was frustrate the shepherd boy and he threw more and he threw them harder.  She picked up a handful and started throwing back, catching him in the chest with the very first one.  She bent down to pick up more and when she lifted her head, the shepherd boy landed a stone in the center of her forehead knocking her to the ground. 
     "You are not wanted", he yelled.
     His words pierced her heart.  She had never felt wanted before.  When she felt the sting of tears she quickly covered it with more anger.  Their eyes locked and they stared at each other for several moments, before she picked up her things and walked toward the fire. 
     The shepherd boy followed, "If you think you are going to stay here, you are going to do things my way or you will leave.  I have told all my friends that you are trouble."
     This was like another stone to the face.  She had never felt like she belonged.  She fought the tears, refusing to let him know he had hurt her to the core.  "Fine.  I am here to do what the king asks and then I will be gone and we don't ever have to see each other again."
     "Fine."
     "Fine."
     The next few days dragged by.  Occasionally they would share a few civil words and she would find hope that maybe the time would come when she could wash his feet and leave.  But, every time something would be said that would throw one of them back into a pool of anger. 
     One night as Beloved slept, the King came to her in a dream.  They were standing beside a stream when He turned to face her.  "Beloved, you have done all that I asked.  There is no more you can do here.  In the morning you will return to the castle, for we are leaving soon.  We will go to the Land of Heaven where my Father is the King.  We have much to do to get ready.  The shepherd boy has been washing his feet in the lukewarm water of the creek between the Land of the Lost and the Land of Peace.  Leave the box of truth next to his daily supply of bread and pray that one day he chooses to wash his feet with it." 
    
     When Beloved woke the next morning, she remembered the tears in their Father's eyes as He gently touched her head before walking away.  The very first light of morning was only beginning to shine across the fields.  Beloved rolled her bed and put it away quietly, occasionally glancing over at the shepherd boy as he struggled in his sleep.  She moved closer to watch him.  He tossed back and forth, though the weight of the locket around his neck made it nearly impossible.  There was no peace in his sleep, but he continued to struggle to stay there. 
     She placed the box of truth next to his bread and his own box of written messages from the King.  She thought briefly about tying him to a tree so he could not be tempted back to the lukewarm creek.  She would leave the rope just long enough that he could reach his bread and the boxes from the King.  But then she remember what the King had said about free will. 
     As Beloved made her way up the hill to the main road, she heard a scuffle back at the shepherd boy's camp and turned to see the Dark Men covering his supplies with a camouflage blanket.  She started back down the hill in anger, but stopped when she heard the King's voice.  "Return to the castle Beloved.  They will only find another way to cover it after your gone."

     When she arrived at the castle she found the King in the garden by the brook.  When He saw her he began to dance for her and she found it uncomfortable. 
     "What are you doing?  You are the King, we are supposed to dance for You."
     "You are special, Beloved."  As He turned and swayed, he laughed, "Who made up that rule anyway?  If I am the King, shouldn't I get to dance for whomever I please?"
     "I guess so."
     He came to a stop and took her hands, "We have lots to do but there is always time for dancing."
     "I don't understand how you can dance while the shepherd boy is so miserable and not seeing the truth."
     "What would you have me do, Beloved?  Worry?  Waste a beautiful day?  I know the ending to his story."
     "What is it, Father?  Does he finally see..."
     The gently placed his fingers on her lips, "Shh, if I were to tell you it would change your actions.  You must trust me and obey if I call on you, otherwise, you must leave it in my hands."
     "But... what if...?
     "Dwelling in the past will cause depression, worrying about the future will bring anxiety, but staying in the present is truly living.  I brought you from the pit to give you life.  We have much to do."
     "When are we leaving for the Land of Heaven?"
     "Soon.  Until then, I have left you more truth and I want you to take it out and wash the feet of everyone you meet.  I will go ahead of you and when My Father is ready, I will return to get you."
    "What if I am not back yet?   I don't know how long it will take to bring truth to everyone."
    "When I come back, I will find you wherever you are.  I will not leave you behind."
    "What about the shepherd boy?  Is he coming with us?"
    "I have him in my hand and I will not let go.  You have other things to do.  Go now into the Land of the lost and tell them about Me.  I have given you all the tools and training you need."
     "I'm scared."
     "Fear not, I will always be with you.  I will never leave you or forsake you."


“Real freedom is freedom from the opinions of others. Above all, freedom from your opinions about yourself. ”
― Brennan Manning, The Wisdom of Tenderness: What Happens When God's Fierce Mercy Transforms Our Lives


 

    

Have to watch!

Bill Johnson: Dealing with Sexual Sin in the Church

I totally agree with this.  We are to be an example.  Too many people walk with a limp instead of getting the brokenness healed.

Sideline abuser?

“Probably one or two moments in your whole life you will hear a dark whispering spirit, a voice coming from the center of things. It will have blades for lips and will not stop until it speaks the one secret thing at the heart of it all. Kneeling on the floor, unable to stop shuddering, I heard it plainly. It said, You are unlovable...”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees   


     When a person is abused it is as though a scarlet letter is carved into their soul.  The shame runs so deep into the very hidden places and yet it feels like our skin is painted neon red to mark us as bad.  We try desperately day after day to cover it, pulling our sleeves down, putting on a hat, and never wearing shorts.  No matter how well hidden we are in our over sized clothes and wearing a pasted on smile, we hear it being shouted from a bullhorn as everyone points at us and says "She's the one.  It was her.  She is bad to her core."  My question is how is the secret kept?
     You hear it all the time, why doesn't she leave him, how could she not know he was molesting their daughter, or my favorite, why doesn't she fight back?  The control is obtained through conditioning.  We are told to keep the secret from day one.  I don't usually share so much detail, but I think it's time.  In my childhood I had been abused by 5 different men so I had had a lot of conditioning to keep the secret, I was bad, unworthy, unlovable, etc.  This was my belief system.  My 6th abuser was in my mid twenties and his favorite  thing to do when we fought was to choke me until I blacked out.  The whole time he would be saying, "Who is in control now?"  When I would come to, he would repeat the process until I would agree that he was in control.  During one fight, I was running from him and he caught me.  After punching me in the face he dragged me by my hair several feet into the house to finish the beating.  While being dragged, I looked over to see that our renters were watching.  I was so relieved that somebody was going to call the police and while the abuse continued, I waited to hear sirens that never came.  Why?  Because they didn't want to get involved. 
     I see that most people would think she will just go back to him so why call, but what we aren't realizing is that keeping the secret is a conditioning that is done not only by the abuser, but by the outside world.  There are many reasons people don't tell.  The worst one in my mind is "maybe she asked for it."  I believe the biggest reason people don't want abuse exposed is because of what they will lose.  This is obvious for the abused and the abuser, but I think it pertains to those outside of the actual abuse.  What will I have to give up?
     Society likes to keep the secret for the abuser and those who speak up and expose abuse are labeled trouble makers.  What was your part in it is often the first question asked.  This does just as much damage as the abuse.  It is reinforcing the idea that the victim is bad and deserves it.  We ask what the rape victim was wearing.  That question right there is indirect abuse.  Who cares what she was wearing?  Mothers don't want to expose their husbands molesting their daughters because they could lose their husband, their home, financial stability, etc. etc.  How many famous people get away with murder because we don't want to lose our entertainment?  Politicians, religious leaders, bosses, abuse people every day and never get exposed because we might lose our governor, our preacher, or our job. 
     Too many people keep the secret and the victim who was once may have even been considered a survivor becomes the victim all over again.  I have a very good friend who recently exposed her abusers from many, many years ago.  I have heard her tell the story a couple times and the best part of the story, the part that makes her face light up and brings the tears to every one's eyes, is when her father gave her a hug after hearing the story.  It was the dad hug she had waited so many years for.  It messes me up just thinking about it. 
     Abuse victims need to know that they have value, they are lovable, they don't have to put up with it any more.  As long as the secret is being kept, they are vulnerable to the next abuser.  Until they know it was not their fault, until they know they have value in this world, until they know deep in their soul, as deep as the wound is, that they are not bad, they are prey to the next abuser. 
     Why do we have secrets?  Abuse.  If somebody is stealing from the till, they are abusing their employer.  If somebody is gossiping, they are abusing.  We would never keep a murder a secret, or would we?  Fear we may be next?  The only reason to keep a secret is to hide an abuse.  From the sideline we might say, "but he is really a good person", but the person taking his hits, sees the Superman costume come off when nobody is around.  We can say, "But he is my friend".  If you are truly a friend, you would want healing for him.  When we have little kids and they get a cut on their arm we take them to the doctor.  When they realize it may hurt they childishly hide their arm behind their back.  Are we going to be the parent that says, "Oops, I was wrong.  There is no boo boo." and take our child home still wounded?  Or do we lovingly say, "It's time to make this all better." 


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
― Edmund Burke

Is it abuse?

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner's love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother's love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.”
― Bell Hooks


     A very important subject the Lord is speaking to me about lately is the cycle of abuse.  Many of the abused try to convince themselves they were not abused.  They think if they would have been a better person, the abuser would not have had to straighten them out, verbally or physically.  They think there is something wrong with them or they wouldn't have been molested.  One of the most important and most healing things that the Holy Spirit told me is this: You were not abused because you are damaged, you are damaged because you were abused.  When we talk about being damaged it is emotionally.  Damage is harm or injury that makes someone less able to function.  This can be repaired.
     What is abuse?  There are different types of abuse: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, neglect, etc.  We often hear the term cycle of abuse.  Sexual abuse doesn't always run this same cycle, but physical, emotional, and mental abuse do.  1. Tension builds  2. Incident  3. Apology/excuses  4. Honeymoon/calm period. 

Here is a list from a website called healthy place.   http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/list-of-abusive-behaviors/

1. hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
2. threaten to hurt you or your children?
3. threaten to hurt friends or family members?
4. have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
5. behave in an overprotective manner?
6. become jealous without reason?
7. prevent you from seeing family or friends?
8. prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
9. prevent you from working or attending school?
10. destroy personal property or sentimental items?
11. deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts,
    credit cards, or even the car?
12. control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
13. force you to have sex against your will?
14. force you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
15. insult you or call you derogatory names?
16. use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
17. humiliate you in front of your children?
18. turn minor incidents into major arguments?
19. abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
20. The author of No Visible Wounds, Mary Susan Miller, adds one more:
    withhold conversation, sex, or affection from you?

     This is geared toward a marriage relationship, but it can be present in any relationship and you don't have to experience every one of these to be considered abused.  One sure sign that is not listed here is telling you to keep the secret.  For example: If you tell I will ... deny it, hurt you, etc.   There is a saying in AA which applies to all lives, You are as sick as your secrets.  Anything kept hidden in the dark is not of God.  It's God's light shined on us, exposing the darkness and revealing truth that heals us.  The truth shall set you free.
     Healing is different for believers.  First, we have God to take us through it.  That's huge.  But also we have an expectation put on us by other believer's to forgive and move past it.  There is a time for forgiveness, but you can't put a crown on a rotting tooth without taking the decay out first or you will end up in a lot of pain and may not even see where it is coming from.  Everything looks good on the outside, but what needs to happen is to drill down into the very root of the decay and remove it.  This is a process.  The longer you were abused, the more abusers you had and the age you were first abused all impact healing time.  I have learned over the last couple years a few things that make abuse more damaging and more difficult to heal from.  One of those things is watching another be abused, especially a sibling.  Another thing is if God was brought into it.  For example, one of my abusers said that God wanted him to do what he was doing.  This distorts our image of God and takes a long time to heal.  If the person abusing is a representative of God, say an elder or priest this affects our relationship with God and delays healing. 
     Years ago I read a book on confronting your abuser.  Basically what the book said is if the party who abused is guilty, that person will have one of two reactions to you confronting them.  One, they will  sincerely break down, apologize, and ask forgiveness and change. (Not to be confused with the cycle apology)  The second reaction is to deny it happened and label you crazy.  I was in my mid-twenties at the time and went to confront an abuser.  Immediately I could see and hear the fear.  He told me I had made it all up in my head and I was crazy.  I walked away smiling, because this validated me.  His actions were admitting guilt whether he knew it or not.  I would not suggest confronting an abuser without counsel and a good support team. 
     Abuse affects intimacy.  It is difficult to trust God when authority has abused you.  How do we trust him to love us and be there for us?  This takes time, a lot of time.  I have come to God on many occasions to repent for something and what He says to me is that He understands.  Especially after a deep and intimate time with God in worship or prayer, I run away from Him out of fear.  When He reveals deep pain from my past and shows me how it affected or still affects my life, I tend to run from him.  But His kindness is amazing.  He always explains why I ran and understands. 
     Yesterday God took me through all of my abuse from the very first time to the most recent.  I argued that I was tired of going back and looking at it, but He had a reason.  When I got to the most recent, He said, "You are looking for a man with integrity and honor and morals.   You want to know someone who would give their life for you.  I already did that."  Yep, it was pretty emotional.  He said that He is not those men and they will answer to Him.  He said it will take time for me to learn to trust Him, but He has time and He will prove His love for me. 
     He wants to be this for every abused person.  The enemy uses abuse to lock us away.  I personally believe sexual, physical, emotional abuse is used by the enemy against the people who are the biggest threats to him.  It's his secret weapon. ( A little play on words) He gets in our heads and convinces us we have no value in this world and what usually happens is we turn around and work for him.  We become abusers.  Maybe we don't molest or beat others, but we usually abuse ourselves.  Cutting, addiction, putting ourselves down are all ways we join the army of the enemy and abuse ourselves.
     God is our healer.  He knows more about the damage and injury to our heart and emotions than we do.  It's been over two years I have been working on this and He is still showing me how the abuse and hurt has affected my life.  I can get discouraged by how long this is taking, because I want to be healed now, but when I go back over it, I am so glad He is allowing me this pace.  He will not give it to me faster than I can process it.  He is the perfect counselor.  I have days where the anger is huge, my unbelief that God even exists is overwhelming and the sadness feels like it is never going to end.  The part I have the most trouble with is lashing out.  I feel like a wild cat trapped in a corner and anyone who gets near me gets clawed whether they have done something or not.  This is also the enemy's way of keeping us isolated.  I often make the excuse that I am protecting those around me by staying away. 
     There are aspects of abuse that only another survivor can understand.  Too many people who are not qualified believe they have the answers for the abused.  They can't get it.  God has so kindly and in His timing put a group of women in my life who have each suffered different forms of abuse and are at varying degrees of healing.  I have good friends, but there is nothing like being with these survivors, because they give me a strength and an understanding I can't get any where else.  Their courage feeds mine.  But, I don't always have to be brave and together when I am with them.  Healing is like the tide coming in, each wave reaches a little further onto the shore as it washes away footprints and sand castles and leaves everything a little bit smoother.


“When one woman doesn't speak, other women get hurt.”
― Terry Tempest Williams 

Beloved

Romans 13:8-11

King James Version (KJV)

⁸ Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
⁹ For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
¹⁰ Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
¹¹ And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.
 

     Many years ago, a young girl wandered aimlessly in a land called Lost.  She was searching for her family that she did not know.  At night she hid in the shadows and by day she searched.  Many times she was attacked and beaten by the Dark Men, a gang of wayward souls.  Every time she felt she could go on no longer, someone would always come to her with food and water, they would bathe her, provide her clean clothes and send her back on her way.  The years went by and her determination came and went with them.  She grew tired and weary and unsure about her desire to find her family.  Maybe she was not meant to be loved.     As she wandered through the darkness, late one night she fell into a pit where she would stay for some time.  It was too deep to climb out on her own.  Maybe her life had no meaning.  Maybe this was where she would go to sleep and never wake up to wander again.  Years ago she had heard of a King in a land called Peace.  This King loved His people beyond reason.  He gave them things they had not earned and always made sure they were fed and cared for.  As she slept one night, near starvation, she dreamed of the land of Peace.  She saw the King in her dream and she asked Him if He was real to send some one for her.  She explained that she was lost searching for her family and had fallen in the pit and was about to die.  In her dream the King touched her cheek gently and said, "I will never leave you."
     She woke the next morning hungrier and more tired, but found herself smiling from the dream she remembered.  As she closed her eyes and thought about the King's promise, she heard a voice.  She opened her eyes and looked up and there on the edge of the pit was a shepherd boy.  He was facing away from her, totally unaware of her presence.  At first she couldn't speak, she stared, wondering if this boy had been sent by the King she had seen in her dream.  She barely pushed her voice from her lips, "Will you help me?"
     He spun around to look down at her, "How did you end up in there?"
     "It was dark and I couldn't see where I was going."
     "You will not survive down there you silly girl.  Let me help you out and I will take you to my Father and He will care for you."  He threw down a rope, but instead of waiting for her to climb out, he climbed down into the pit and carried her out.  He led her to the creek to bathe while he prepared a meal for her over the fire.  As she let the water take the dirt from her body she wondered about this boy's father.  She had been hoping for the King, but maybe she was not worthy. 
     She liked the shepherd boy instantly.  He was funny and he was kind.  His words were not harsh, like the Dark Men and she found herself trusting him as she felt safe.  She followed him with only an occasional wave of fear that maybe this was a trick.  The fear that maybe he was one of the Dark Men would grip her throat, but his kindness would free her again. 
      After many days of following him the shepherd boy brought her into a land so beautiful it brought tears to her eyes.  He pointed to a castle far in the distance and said, "There, there is my Father's house.  He will be so happy to see you.  He will adopt you and love you like He did me.  I had fallen in a pit when He found me."  The boy stood still, looking off toward the castle and tears filled his eyes as he remembered and told her about the day the King himself had reached down and lifted him out of his pit.
     "Your Father is a King?"
     "Yes.  He is your Father too.  He adopts anyone who comes to Him and asks with an honest heart.  He loves each one as much as the others.  He will change your life and make it better.  He made me a shepherd and I watch over many of His sheep."
     She was afraid.  She felt that if the King saw who she really was, He wouldn't want her.  She had nothing to offer Him.  She thought many times of turning around as she followed the shepherd boy toward the castle, but something kept drawing her so she moved forward.  When they arrived at the castle, the shepherd boy seemed to walk faster, excited to see his Father, but she found herself holding back.  When he disappeared around the corner she panicked.  She slowly peered around the wall to see the shepherd boy standing in front of the King.  The King was so beautiful it took her breath away.  She could only stare as she recognized Him from her dream.
     When the shepherd boy noticed she was no longer following, he waved at her to come closer, "He want's to talk with you."
     She shook her head "no" in fear.  He was too magnificent for her to approach.  She wanted to turn and run, but something held her there. 
     The King handed the shepherd boy a box and he brought it to the girl, "Here, our Father wants you to have this.  He has many other gifts for you.  He told me He adopted you many years ago, but you ran off.  He has forgiven you and wants to start over new, with a clean slate."
     "Okay, but I am too afraid to go near Him.  He is so big and beautiful and I am so dirty."
     "When you are ready I will take you to Him."
     The shepherd boy took the girl to the room where she would stay.  Each day she would get a little closer to the King, but she always kept a safe distance.  The King would write things on little pieces of paper and hand them to the shepherd boy and he would give them to the girl.  The messages were all about how much he loved her and wanted her to stay with Him and be His daughter.  He promised to never leave her.  She would take each note and hide it away in the box He had given her the day she arrived.  The shepherd boy called the notes, The Truth. 
     One day, as the girl came around the corner of the King's throne room she saw the shepherd boy talking with their Father.  When he noticed her, he got down on one knee and motioned for her to come closer.  "It's safe.  He wants to show you how much He loves you.  Come closer."
     She decided to risk it.  She began meeting with the King everyday.  He would tell her things that explained her past and who she was.  He asked her one day what her name was and she began to cry.  "I don't know who I am.  All I know is that I was lost and it was dark and people hurt me.  All I ever wanted was a family.  All I wanted was to come home.  I just never knew where home was."
     The King reached down and took her face in His big hands, "You are home with Me and I will call you, Beloved.  That is who you are and it will never change."
     They spent every day together.  She learned to laugh.  She learned she could tell the King, her Father anything on her mind.  He taught her many things.  Eventually she worked up the courage to climb into His lap and He rocked her for hours while she let go of the tears she had been holding onto for many years. 
     The relationship she had with the shepherd boy changed.  She saw him less and less.  When they did see each other, anger rose up in both of them.  No matter how they tried, they seemed to only hurt each other.  He spent many hours in the fields with sheep and less and less time with the King.  When He did come to the castle he only talked with the King about his sheep and listed all the good things he was doing in the fields.  As, Beloved sat in the King's lap she wondered why the shepherd boy would never join her.  He seemed angrier every time she saw him. 
     One day when she was talking with the King, she asked, "Why is the shepherd boy not happy?  Did I do something wrong?  I don't understand why we get so angry at each other."
     The King's eyes filled with tears.  "He has never sat in my lap.  He gets very close to me, but he doesn't know it's okay.  I invite him, but he is afraid."
     "Why is he afraid?"
     "Because long ago when he was very young there was a group of boys who were very mean to him.  They used to call him names.  They were jealous of his gifts.  He used to fight often, trying to prove his strength.  He was not born to fight.  I gave him wisdom, compassion, empathy, and many other gifts, but he still feels unworthy because those names the boys called him scarred his soul.  He protects that part and won't let me touch it."
     "I didn't know he was so wounded."
     "Yes.  He keeps himself so busy with his flock that he doesn't take the time to eat and rest like he should.  I have sent a messenger many times inviting him to come, sit in my lap and let me heal that deepest wound, but he always has a reason why he can't come.  It's always a wounded sheep, a lost shepherd or a wolf he is fighting off that keeps him from fully joining me."
     "That's sad."  The King wiped her tears from her face and began to rock her, but on her shoulder, she felt the warmth of her Father's tears falling for the shepherd boy. 

     Time went by and Beloved struggled as the Father showed her more and more Truth, but she knew she was healing so she moved forward.  When the shepherd boy would come to the castle to report to the King all he was doing, she avoided him.  Occasionally they would see each other and it would usually end with her screaming at him.  He would tell her that she was doing things wrong, that he knew the Father longer than she did and he knew the ways to talk with Him and spend time with Him.  The shepherd boy rarely said kind words anymore and on top of it, she caught him flirting with the maidens in the garden.  She knew the King would not be pleased, because he had told the shepherd boy not to even step into the garden.  Beloved didn't tell the king what the shepherd boy was doing, because her behavior would not please Him either.  For she had been flirting with the shepherd boy.  She also knew that he was being mean to the sheep.  He would yell at them and shove them and then feel bad.  Because he felt so bad after, no one wanted to tell the King.  The turmoil she was in kept her from climbing into the King's lap and soon she was interacting with the King like the shepherd boy.  She would only talk with Him about other's behavior and the things she wanted to do. 
     One day the king called for her.  He invited her to sit on his lap and she wanted to desperately, but she was afraid.  She was tired of the secrets and hurting from the fights with the shepherd boy.  She finally surrendered and climbed into His lap.  "I've been bad.  I can't stop fighting with the shepherd boy and I think he hates me now.  He yelled at me like never before and I was scared."
     "I know.  I know everything that has happened between you.  I know your pain and I know his and I love you both today as much as I did the day you each came to me.  Now, go and get the box of Truth I gave to you."
     Beloved ran to her room and got the box.  The tears came with the fear that the Father was going to take it from her.  She was afraid He would send her back out into the Land of the Lost and she would never know the feeling of sitting in His lap again.  When she returned to the King with the box she stood at His feet and held it out to Him.  He took it from her and set it down on the arm of His chair.  Then he reached down and picked her up and set her in His lap.  
     "I want you to go to the shepherd boy.  You will go to the field where he tends the sheep."
     She burst into tears.  "Am I not allowed to live in the castle any longer?  Do I have to go out and live with the mean shepherd boy?"
     "No.  You will always be welcome in the castle as long as it is where you choose to live.  But, the shepherd boy is in trouble and I have sent many messages to him, calling him to come back to me so we can heal the situation, but he only send messages back avoiding the topics I want to discuss."
     "I am afraid of him.  I don't want to see him.  I am just a young girl, how can I be of any help to you?"
     "I chose you because you are like him.  Your temper runs the same, because your hurt is the same.  You share weaknesses and strength.  You see the good and the bad in each other.  It is through a person of the same wounding that the healing begins.  That is why I sent him to get you out of the pit."
     "You sent him?" 
     "Of course I sent him, just like I am sending you to him now.  He is your brother.  You are his sister."
     "I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say."  The fear was rising up in her and she felt overwhelmed and out of control.  "I am in no position to discipline the shepherd boy.  I am as guilty of bad behavior as him.  I don't understand.  Did you forget who I am?"
     "Did you forget who I Am?  I see you forgot who you are.  You are my Beloved.  The nights in the darkness, the attacks of the Dark Men have prepared you.  It is the Dark Men who are tormenting the shepherd boy.  He doesn't see them.  They come in the night and tempt him.  They come by day and stir up his flock.  He believes he is the bad one, so he puffs out his chest and works hard to prove he is not.  He cannot prove what he does not know.  He should have come to me long ago.  I see what he is doing.  There is nothing he can hide.  As he found you in your last day in the pit with death finding it's way to you, you will find him.  Though he does not realize how close to death he is.  I cannot allow him to shepherd any longer in this way.  He has to be brought back to the castle, climb into my lap and confess, so that I can heal his wounds.  You must bring him to Me."
     "But we have been fighting.  How in the world would I ever convince him to follow me back here to the castle?"
     The King reached over and picked up the box of Truths.  He lifted the lid to show Beloved that the Truths had been turned to Living Water.  "Beloved, I want you to wash his feet with the Truth as he did yours when you were brought from the pit.  He will only follow you if you show him love.  Anger and hate will always turn others away."
     "I can't.  I don't know how."
     "Do you love me?"
     "Yes, and I want to obey you no matter what.  I... I want... I will."
     "He might hurt you, he may be angry Beloved, but he cannot take your life.  Your life belongs to me.  You must walk in love."
     "Okay.  I will.  I am his friend and I do love him."  She felt sick and her hands trembled.  She cuddled up to Him and He wiped the fear from her. 
     "I enjoy our time together as much as you, but nothing good is done for the Kingdom unless you step out.  Beloved, I go with you and I can hear your voice when you cry out to me.  If you listen, you will hear mine and I will instruct you."
     "Why don't you send someone who is bigger and wiser?"
     "He knows your heart.  He knows you.  You both care deeply for each other or the anger wouldn't get so big."
     "Are you going to take his sheep from him and not allow him to be a shepherd anymore?"
     "If I have to, but it is his choice."
     "Why do you give him a choice?"
     "I will not force him to love me and trust me or it wouldn't be real."
     "What will you do to him?"
     "He is like a withering tree, no longer producing fruit, barely any green left on him and I have placed a rain cloud above him that will bring life back into him and he will grow bigger and stronger than he ever was.  I will give him flocks he did not earn.  But, their is a web of lies reaching up from the ground that the Dark Men have planted around him and they go clear up to that cloud and hold it hostage.  Once you wash his feet in the Truth and he rises up to walk in it, the lies will be destroyed and the favor will rain down on my shepherd boy."
     "You love him don't you Father?"
     "Very much.  Now you must go.  The Dark Men will try to stop you, but you know them and in the land of Peace you have authority over them.  You tell them to go in the name of the most High King and they will have no choice but to leave."
     Beloved scrambled down off her Papa's lap and gathered up the box.  As she headed for the door, she hesitated and slowly turned back to look at the Father.  "What is the shepherd boy's name?"
     "He is my Beloved also."
     "What do I do if the Dark Men try to take him with them?"
     Just then a loud clap of thunder startled her and she looked toward the door in fear.  When she turned her attention back to the King she saw anger in His eyes for the first time and in a booming voice He said, "You tell them, the shepherd is MINE."
                     to be continued


Isaiah 9:4-5

New International Version (NIV)

4 For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.
5 Every warrior’s boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

Here Kitty Kitty

"Plenty of highly charismatic leaders have bombed out and failed because they lacked character, which trumps charisma every time. You don’t have to have charisma to be a leader. You do have to have character, credibility, because leadership is influence and if you don’t have credibility nobody is going to follow you...

Leaders come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. There is no one particular leadership personality. In fact, there are many. You don’t have to be outgoing to be a leader. God wants to use your personality. Paul was a choleric. Peter was a sanguine. Moses was a melancholic. Abraham was a phlegmatic. They are as different as night and day. God used them all." - Pastor Rick Warren

     I saw a picture a while back of an ordinary house cat looking in a mirror.  The reflection the cat saw was that of a lion.  This is what Jesus is talking to me about this morning.   We were made in His image and when we look at each other and ourselves that is what we should see, a reflection of Christ.  But, in our brokenness if we were to stand before a mirror and see Jesus standing there we would immediately begin running down the list in our minds of all the reasons we are not like Him. 

This morning He brought a couple verses to mind.

Matthew 10:22
22 And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved.

 John 14:6
6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

     

     Imagine yourself standing in front of a full length mirror and the reflection of Jesus staring back at you.  He is the Truth.  We begin measuring and with the Truth staring us in the face we hate our shortcomings.  Is this why the unbeliever hates Christians?  Because they see us standing in front of that mirror, a reflection of Jesus, while the enemy is screaming out our shortcomings.  Like Gandhi says, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”  I believe many people fall away from following God because they stand in front of this mirror and it's just too big.  Like the house cat, we start a list, I'm small, I have no mane, I don't know how to roar, I can't control my anger, I am judgmental, I am an addict and so on and so on. 
     I believe God knows this is just too big for us, so what He does is He places people in our lives with the same shortcomings.  Hate is a strong word, but I think I have to use it here.  What we hate in those around us warrants a look into a mirror.  For instance, if some one we know is always judging others in our eyes and we hate that truth about them, is it because we judge?  Is it that true reflection of ourselves that we hate?  If we spot it, we probably got it. 
     Recently God has shown me a person He placed in my life who is a lot like me.  When I stand in front of this person like I am looking in a mirror, I see the same bruises, though they may be shaped a little different.  I see the same scars, though they may be located a little to the left or to the right.  I see the same demons stuck to them that are attached to me.  The things I hate, the things that make me so angry I want to spit, are the things I don't like in myself.  You have to see it, be it, feel it and then heal it.  The Truth will set us free only after we take these steps. 
     God's timing is amazing.  In this image, God allowed me to see this person as a child.  He showed me a picture of me as a child standing in front of this person as a child, with the same sad face.  There were differences, but it was the sameness that God lit up.  He wanted me to see me. 
     Last night, or should I say, early this morning, God allowed me to represent this person in a courtroom where the enemy was the accuser and Jesus was the defender.  This person was sitting with their back to the enemy in complete denial that he was even present.  This person was so stuck in anger, they couldn't see the truth, so stuck in the accusations and busy defending them self that they wouldn't allow Jesus to step in.  When I forced this person to turn around and see the enemy, they immediately scrambled to get behind me, but I picked them up and set them in Jesus' lap.  Then I faced the enemy.  As angry as I have been with this person, as hurt as I have been, I told the enemy that there was no way he was going to get them.  I felt authority and righteous anger rise up in me like never before.  I hurled down the accuser in Jesus name.  That's when Jesus whispered, "It is those broken pieces that you have in common that I am sending you out to defend against the enemy in my name."  When we step up to battle we are opening the alabaster box and pouring the perfume over His feet.  When we don't face the enemy and we allow Him to continue hurling accusations at us, we are refusing to wash the feet of Jesus.  We are His hands and feet.  We must wash each other's feet, because we are to be a reflection of Him and we are to wash an other's feet, because they are a reflection of Him.  We are to protect each other through intercessory prayer, because we are all a part of Him. 

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”
― Brennan Manning

Heart Buckets

“You think you want to know something, and then once you do, all you can think about is erasing it from your mind. From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees


     All my life I wanted to remember everything that happened to me.  I yelled at God that it wasn't fair other people, the bad people knew what happened to me and I didn't.  They knew what they had done and God took my memory like I was on their side, keeping their secrets for them.  It's funny that God has me work through things the opposite way than I usually choose.  I always start with the most difficult task first so the rest is all down hill.  He starts with the little, easy stuff and works up to the big stuff.  Sometimes He gives me more than one big thing at the same time though and that's what He has been doing to me lately.  But then He shows me the string or should I say sting that connects everything.  How one trauma from what seems like a thousand years ago, ties to the pain I am feeling now from something completely different finally makes sense. 
      The other day I asked Him to show me what He sees when He looks at me.  I saw myself as a newborn baby.  I heard him whisper, "Perfect and pure.  I love you."  Then He flipped through the pages of my life really fast and I saw myself grow and change through the years.  I saw a lot of ugliness done to me and that I had done, until finally I saw a picture of me in a white robe, with a crown and I was in heaven.  He said, "Perfect and pure.  I still love you the same from beginning to end,  no matter what happened in between."  Yeah, crazy right?  It messed me up. 
     You have to be prepared when you ask for visions and dreams, because they can get pretty wild.  Through a friend He reminded me of a red balloon from my past.  I had been through therapy and the counselor had me right all my fantasies about who my father was, or should I say who I wanted him to be.  I wrote them all on a helium filled red balloon and had to let go of it.  I thought it was a dumb idea, but when I let go, I panicked and tried to grab it again.  He said only He was all those things my father couldn't be for me.  Then He showed me a picture of a huge, red hot air balloon and said "I'm bigger than that."  He has a sense of humor. 
     It's like when we are born He produces this perfect baby out of clay that has not hardened and then life comes along and knocks us around so things aren't so perfect anymore.  The worst part is pieces of us get hard and stiff and resistant to change and pretty soon we are just a cracked up pot.  When we finally turn our lives over to Him one of the hardest, most painful things to do is to become pliable again.  We are in His hands now and He is reshaping, mending and healing us, but it is a challenge to stay pliable.  Many people over time don't even realize they have areas they won't allow Him to change.  Why?  Because it might hurt.  Healing is hard and it hurts and that is why not everybody is doing it.  We become pretenders.  See, focus on this one part of me that is doing well and you won't notice this hardened part of me that God is not allowed to touch.  Sometimes we use the excuse of "I'm just that way and I have to live with it.", when really we aren't ready to give up the gratification we get from it.
     Our hearts are the buckets of our souls where we keep what is given to us, so we can give it away.  Like love, you have to receive it to give it.  It's good for us that God gives us an endless supply from the get go if we only learn how to receive it.  It's like rummaging around in a junk drawer.  There is some good stuff in there.  I have spent a lot of times shuffling things around in the junk drawer, just sure I saw what I was looking for in there at one time.  That's what we do in each others buckets.  We expect them to give us stuff that they never had.  I think life would be easier if we went to each other like we do a store.  Hey, do you carry Twinkies?  Yes or no, and you move on.  You either pay the price for the Twinkies they do have or you move on to the next store and ask there.  But no, we spend years in relationships with people hoping they will provide us with something they just don't have.  As babies, God gives us parents, grandparent's, older siblings, etc. as bucket fillers.  They are supposed to fill our heart/buckets with all kinds of good things that we can pass out to others.  Love, compassion, grace, etc. etc.  For some reason I think I just heard Charlie Brown say, "All I got was a rock."  Hmm.  We have to be taught bravery and confidence or we don't have them as adults.  We have to be taught boundaries or we don't know how to set them up as an adult.  It's the same with respect, concern for others, and even common sense. 
     The world is becoming a planet full of people with empty heart/buckets.  We are all screaming and yelling at each other demanding things that we just don't have.  Healing takes going back and watching the movie of your life and figuring out what you got and what you didn't and even what was taken out of your heart/bucket by others and then asking God to replenish what is missing.  There were things I had once, but people took them.  Some times you ask somebody if they have Twinkies and they say they do, but once the picnic blanket is spread out and lunch has been eaten and your ready for dessert, you find out they don't have Twinkies at all.  They bring out some imitation cream filled yellow cakes that aren't even shaped right.  Then they get that look on their face and say, "These were cheaper, but I am sure they taste the same."  Well, get off my picnic blanket.  If I wanted cheaper cream filled yellow ROUND cakes, I would have asked if you had them.  It's like asking some one for love and they give you anger.  Instead of a safe hug, you get choked.  Then they look at you with that stupid face again, "I was squeezing."  Yeah, no kidding.  Thank You God for having everything I need and more. 


"Our healing is in His hands".

~R. Alan Woods