God's Speed?

[The natural life] knows that if the spiritual life gets hold of it, all its self-centeredness and self-will are going to be killed and it is ready to fight tooth and nail to avoid that. (Clive Staples) C. S. Lewis

     God has shown me recently a picture of my relationships at this time.  He used a wheel as the diagram.  I am the hub or whatever it's called and each of my relationships/friendships is a spoke.  Together they give me stability and they are the strength that carries me.  I have mother figures, sisters, brothers, friends, leaders, etc. etc.  To the outside world it all may look the same but I know each is unique with their own special purpose in my life.  

     It was December 20, a Thursday when I followed a friend into a coffee shop for a visit. This friends role in my life is very important.  Even though we are two grown women sitting at a table having an adult conversation, the strongest part of our bond is the little girls in us.  We were both abused and God has used that to create something special.  We get it.  Sometimes I am saying it to her and other times she is saying it to me, but we always "get it".  We talked about stuff that believers who are trying to grow into God's image talk about.  We laughed, there were tears.  Then it happened, her little girl showed up with all the excitement of any child with a great idea.  Oh oh.  She is brave and I am not and I feared what she was about to say.

     "For one twenty four hour period let's do whatever God tells us."

     When I finally sucked in air, I actually thought about it.  Hmm.  Why not.  Her little girls excitement rubbed off on me and I said we should do it through the end of January.  We decided to journal our daily experiences and meet for breakfast every Monday through January to share our journals.  The minute I left God spoke.  I had read a book that really touched me months earlier and He told me to go buy copies of the book and He would give me the names of the women I was to give them to.  He told me to buy all the copies they had, but I put a limit of five on it even though there were eleven available.  Well, as God gave me names and I began to hand them out, I realized He was giving me more names than I had books and so far I have purchased a total of 12.  This book is speaking to people.  It has gotten to the point that each day I follow Him like a small child following their mother through a grocery store.  Even if I am not always listening and tend to get distracted, I have one eye on Him and it is changing my life.  I have spoken words to people I would never speak, I have prayed for people in the car next to me, I have given money and time and dedication and instead of feeling like I need a break and time to myself, I want more.  

     He has been with me every step of the way.  We laugh, we cry, we pray and sometimes we just sit in the silence and wonder of it all.  I feel like the Grinch and my heart is growing.  He is messing me up.  At first I was afraid of pride.  I prayed several times for protection from pride, that I would not take credit for what He is asking me to do.  Then I became fixed on the way He was working through me and how He was changing me, but now I am totally blown away by how much He loves us.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I feel closer to Him than I ever have.  I want to learn more about healing, casting out demons, and sacrifice, but it has nothing to do with the acts themselves, it's about Papa showing up.  It's about Him loving His children through blessings.

     It's been a wild ride the last few days and I look forward to the days to come.  And of course today the enemy attacked with a vengeance, but I knew what to do and I called a friend.  We talked for a while and then she asked to pray for me.  Her prayer was amazing,  It brought us both to tears.  It was all about His love.  Then I heard Him say "God's Speed."  I didn't understand what that was about and He knew it, so He explained, "Follow Me at My speed and the enemy won't be able to catch up".   I started laughing.  Who ever thought following God could be boring? 

     Matthew 18:3 says “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  I believe we are to obey as little children.  While I was talking to my friend who prayed over me, her little girl was chewing out another child for closing a door.  She knew the rules that her parents set for their house and was very upset they weren't being followed.  We should be more upset with ourselves when we aren't obeying, but we shrug it off and promise to do it later.  Like a small child who rushes to obey their parent's for no other reason than to see the smile of approval and pleasure on their faces, we should be that focused on obeying our Father.  We should want to please Him, because it is a huge blessing to us.  Not that we should expect blessings, even though He does choose to give us a special blessing at times for obeying.  It's what it changes in the heart that is the true blessing.

     To choose disobedience stunts our growth.  It puts a wall between us and our Father.  It stops blessings.  It's like stepping out from under the protection of an umbrella in a downpour.  The enemy lies and convinces us that we are too strong to need constant guidance.  Who wants to be a robot?  I don't feel like a robot.  He didn't tell me what to wear, what to eat, where to go, etc.  He told me how to bless.  He told me how to show his love to another.  I have no idea what any of those women will get out of that book, but I know God does.  He knows every single thing about them.  He knows every word in that book.  He will bring them together and He will bless them.  He will show them His Love.  That, right there, is what makes me want to obey.

He has the right to interrupt your life. He is Lord. When you accepted Him as Lord, you gave Him, the right to help Himself to your life anytime He wants. Henry Blackaby

Rest

“For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Jesus Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened," He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged, and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out

     I remember many times when I was very young, sitting with my dad after we had finished a project.  Maybe we were mending fence or stacking wood or building something, but when we finished for that day we would sit together and look over what we had accomplished.  I usually had a soda or some kind of juice in my hand while he enjoyed either a cup of coffee or a beer, depending on the time of day and temperature outside.  Dad would usually find some place to sit comfortably and I would imitate him the best I could.  I never sat very long before I was up again trying to convince Dad that we could get more done before we called it a day.  Once Dad was finished and sat down it was a rare occasion that I would actually get him up and moving again.  Sometimes he would tell me stories from his childhood or explain why things were the way they were.  I was not quite to the place of understanding the importance of rest when he moved out of our home.

     God has me in a time of rest.  A time of being present with Him.  I have a hard time resting.  I feel lazy.  I feel like that little kid again, saying, "But God there are things we could be doing."  I can almost hear Dad's chuckle.  Rest is important.  I keep thinking about exercise.  When we do resistance training we actually tear muscle tissue and we accomplish more muscle building when we take a day of rest after the workout and allow those muscles to heal.  Those healed muscles are bigger and stronger.  
     I love how God works.  I am amazed by His timing.  Yesterday I read an article about alcohol:

Alcohol comes from the Arabic "al-kuhl" which was the name of a body-eating spirit. In fact, the English "ghoul" comes from the same word.
When Arab alchemists' ingested alcohol their senses deadened and they named the substance according to its "body-taking" qualities. Knowing this, European speakers who understood its etymology coined the use of the term "spirits" for alcohol.
The use of the term spirits for alcohol goes very far back so it's impossible to know for sure due the lack of written evidence, but this is the simplest answer to the question, and, in my opinion, the most likely to be true.

     This morning this article showed me why rest is important.  When we drink alcohol and our senses are deadened we don't have the resistance to immoral behavior or the enemy's whispers.  Our mind is open to the twisted lies of the enemy.  If we can find that rest in Christ, that intoxicating presence and purposefully let down our defenses, we are open to the whispers of Christ.  I see it as leaning against the fence with Papa, enjoying a drink of Living Water and listening to His praise for what He has accomplished through us through our obedience and instruction to where we go next.  He tells us stories of His life as we read scripture and explains why things are the way they are.  The most difficult part of this to accept, just like with my bio-dad is that sometimes He says, "Just because."  Maybe Bio-Dad said it because he didn't know the answer or maybe because it was too difficult to explain.  God says it for different reasons.  

     The other day I sat in a waiting room at the hospital, next to Dad.  I realized that the security I had felt as a child in those quiet moments, he was somehow getting from me now.  His brother was in the operating room undergoing a very tricky and life threatening procedure.  We sat in silence for a while and other times Dad chatted nervously as I had when I was young.  Before surgery I was able to take my dad's hand in mine and place them on my uncle's hands and I prayed.  I wanted so badly for them to feel that peace that I had found in our Papa's presence.  

     Just like sitting in silence next to Dad, leaned against a bale of hay, an ice cold soda in my hand, sweat dripping from my chin and a smile pasted on my face, I now sit with God.  As when I sat with Dad I now feel that security in being with God.  As with Dad when the world was right in those times we shared, my small world with God is right.

     Unlike Dad, God will never be dependent on me for security.  He will always be bigger, stronger, and He will never leave.  Also, He is always available.  No matter where I am in my walk, no matter the time of day, He will sit down with me, knowing exactly what I need from Him, before I do.


"The thing I like about rest is it gives me a breathing space where I can gather myself. I can step back. You don’t have to react to externals; you have to respond to an internal." - Graham Cooke

Healing through the broken

“Dear God

Please take away my pain and despair of yesterday and any unpleasant memories and replace them with Your glorious promise of new hope. Show me a fresh HS-inspired way of relating to negative things that have happened. I ask You for the mind of Christ so I can discern Your voice from the voice of my past. I pray that former rejection and deep hurts will not color what I see and hear now.

Help me to see all the choices I have ahead of me that can alter the direction of my life. I ask You to empower me to let go of the painful events and heartaches that would keep me bound. Thank You for Your forgiveness that You have offered to me at such a great price. Pour it into my heart so I can relinquish bitterness hurts and disappointments that have no place in my life. Please set me free to forgive those who have sinned against me and caused me pain and also myself. Open my heart to receive Your complete forgiveness and amazing grace. You have promised to bind up my wounds Psa 147:3 and restore my soul Psa 23:3 .

Help me to relinquish my past surrender to You my present and move to the future You have prepared for me. I ask You to come into my heart and make me who You would have me to be so that I might do Your will here on earth. I thank You Lord for all that’s happened in my past and for all I have become through those experiences. I pray You will begin to gloriously renew my present.”
― Sue Augustine, When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present

     A year ago today I was alone in my house fasting and praying for the demons to leave in Jesus name.  Several of them vanished, but a few stayed, the big ones.  The demons doing the most damage to my life stayed behind to try and win back their prize...or whatever I was to them.  This year is a little different.  Last year there were a lot of questions about the past...Why?...being the biggest one.  This year, it's still "Why?", but to different questions and God is sharing a few answers.

     I was born a fighter and to be honest, I like to fight.  I believe God has placed that in me to do spiritual warfare.  There is nothing like taking down the enemy.  There is nothing like having two thirds of the angels on the same side as me along with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Especially for a kid who felt everyone was against her, having such a team is amazing.

     The fighter in me can also cause problems.  I wrestle with God often.  Like a two year old play fighting with a parent, He gently takes me to the ground with one hand while revealing the truth (often times in simple picture form) with the other.  I'm no match for Him and I thank Him for that, but it doesn't stop me from trying.  

     A few weeks ago I was wrestling with God over one thing.  I have a friend who is very important to me, a big sister in Christ.  She had fallen and has severe damage to her shoulder. This is a big issue as far as the pain she is in, the finances needed for surgery, and my relationship with God.  I see this woman drop everything to run out and pray the the pain away for others.  I see her follow His will for her without question.  Why won't He heal one stinking little messed up shoulder in this world of ugliness and pain?  Why not heal her so it is easier for her to move about doing what He has asked her to do?  This makes no sense in my little world.  Yep.  I was angry at Him.  We had many late night chats about it and of course I was doing most of the chatting.  He was actually pretty quiet about it, except for the same statement, "She will be healed".  But when?  Why not now?  If this is how you treat people who follow you without question then do I really want to play this game?

     I became bogged down with people's pain.  I wanted to crawl back under my bed and stay there.  Dust bunnies are good friends who cause no feelings in my heart.  I had decided to trade them in for real people with real hurts.  What was I thinking?  I did as He asked and told my story and in the weeks to follow I saw amazing things happen but eventually I realized, people were in pain from hearing my story.  What had I done?

     Slowly in a way that only God can orchestrate, the scales began to fall.  Just a few short weeks ago I saw all the ugliness, friendships end, people suffering with disease, families torn apart, babies, jobs and loved ones lost.  This world sucks.  But I have new eyes and the choice to use them.  I didn't cause people's pain, God exposed it and brought the truth to light through me.  

     God uses the broken.  My friend with the broken up shoulder is usually the one leading in prayer and praising God for all that He is doing.  She has a smile that changes the atmosphere in a room and a love for God (even when in pain) that is contagious.  I have seen her in tears many times, but it's usually happy tears for what God is doing and where He is leading.  He uses her to...mess...people...up!  Who she is in Him, has affected how I see.

     I have a friend who lost a baby and is waiting for her body to realize it.  WHAT?  God seriously?  What could possibly come from this that would be worth the pain this wonderful person is faced with?  This one doesn't make sense.  But then I saw that same "Light" in her eyes as she reached out to hug me.  She reached out to hug me.  I don't know what His plan is, but I know that one day she and her family will be healed.  And as God just whispered to me, "There will be Hope in her womb".  He is amazing.

     When we focus on the pain, the broken relationships, and the disappointments, we are focusing on the enemy.  We are giving the enemy glory every time we allow a school shooting, sickness and loss to consume us.  We are to give God the glory by placing it in His hands and praising Him, worshipping and thanking Him while He turns it around.  There is no such thing as failure in God's plan.  There can't be.  Sometimes we are blessed with seeing the healing, but other times it's a process for a reason we may not understand...sometimes our pain is not about us, but for someone else's healing.


“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”― C.S. Lewis

Give it up and Follow

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

     Nothing changes until you change it.  I made a friend of mine angry a while back and she shouted at me, "If you are so miserable then leave."  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that phrase in my life.  I'm supposed to be trying something different.  I'm supposed to be trying this new thing called trust when you feel like running but stay and make it work.  This doesn't apply to all things in our lives.

     What God has shown me is that He wants me totally dependent on Him first.  I am to trust Him.  Leave everything to follow?  Whoa.  I did that once with a man from Texas and I'm still paying for it.  Ha.  Leave everything?  Give up everything?  Wait?  What is everything?  I have nothing.  God has removed one thing at a time from my life and the two things I am still clinging to are the two things that are holding me back, so I let go.

     I am totally dependent on God whether I want to be or not.  I have been here before, no job, no home, nothing.  The feeling was different then.  I had to constantly remind myself to let go, give it back to God, and give it back to Him again.  This time I am almost what I would call excited.  Over a year ago I locked myself in my room with only God and an outside email line to Dave in case God failed or should I say, I failed to hear God or just didn't want to hear what He was saying.  This time it is me and God and I know He has a plan.  He has been waiting for me to get to this place.  I am seeking Him on a whole new level.  Life is never going to be the same and I'm saying it's about time.

     God told me this morning that He was going to show me love today.  I often miss it when He does this, because it's not the love I was looking for.  I was stressed out and planning to have a very difficult conversation next Monday, but God showed love today in opening the door today for that conversation and it went very well.  When I got home and the enemy started playing with my brain, He showed me more love when friends asked me to dinner.  They had some of the answers I have been looking for.  I have a peace tonight.  I have a security in God's love and a trust that He has a plan and all I have to do is obey.  He doesn't want us miserable.  We have crosses to carry, but He never wants us nailed to them.  He already did that.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Onion? Peel it or Throw it?

“Many Christians... find themselves defeated by the most psychological weapon that Satan uses against them. This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan's greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth This feeling shackles many Christians, in spite of wonderful spiritual experiences and knowledge of God's Word. Although they understand their position as sons and daughters of God, they are tied up in knots, bound by a terrible feeling inferiority, and chained to a deep sense of worthlessness.”
― David A. Seamands, Healing For Damaged Emotions


     Why am I angry?  Why do I look at someone I considered to be a very good friend and feel nothing but anger.  His mouth opens and the anger rises in me and he hasn't even spoken yet.  Why do I feel so closed off?  I'm disconnected.
     I can hang out with a group of friends and feel a "part of".  I feel the Holy Spirit at work and love and compassion for all those present.  Then I get in the car to drive home alone and I feel nothing.  It used to take a couple days, so I would get back in the group immediately.  But it's getting more difficult to leave the house.  I find myself staring at the wall again.  Am I a fake?  I was laughing an hour ago with real friends and now I am not even feeling connected to God.  Yes God.  He has moved clouds for me to see, He has healed a woman's hearing through my hands, He has whispered, "I'm right here" when I'm afraid of the dark.  I feel nothing.  Is this a "brain" relationship?  When it is supposed to be a "heart" relationship.  Will He say one day, "I didn't even know you?"
    Then out of nowhere is that little voice, "If you weren't so selfish".  Oh it doesn't stop there.  That committee in my head tells me everything wrong with me.  "Why do you speak, why do you think anyone wants to hear you, they feel sorry for you because you are an idiot, and that pastor, well, he was just doing his job and your time is up."
     Okay.  I can go back to living under my bed.  I didn't want to finish my story anyway.  It's my story and why should I share it.  Maybe life sucked but it was my life, right?  Then the words I heard right before I told my story come back to haunt me, "This is your part in my story."   

     "Okay God since this is your story, you tell me how it ends.  Why can I feel and see so much and then shut off like it was all just a movie and now it is over and it's time to go back to my "Under the bed" life?  Why do I feel nothing when I know you are standing right in front of me?"
     "Because you have been shutting off your feelings for years.  You are getting close to people and you are panicking.  You just might get hurt and you don't even know how to take that risk?"
     "I do hurt and I have no reason to.  My addictions are in my face again.  I want to watch movies all day and eat four bags of cookies and throw them up.  I want to drink."
     "That is left over hurt that you pull up when you are scared.  You've been here before.  Don't you recognize this place?  This is where you always turn around."
     "What?"
     "You are hiding, trying to numb your feelings and you are pushing people away.  The enemy is exaggerating your fears.  Everything that is said to you is twisted."
     "What do I do?"
     "You decide to keep moving forward or you can turn around and crawl back under the bed."
     "How long do I have to decide?"
     "How long do you want to feel like this?  Why the tears?"
     "Just peeling onions.  I'm going to sit here a minute and decide whether to keep peeling or throw this thing against the wall."
     "I'll be right here."


Snow White: You of all people should understand. You've lost love. What if your pain could be erased?
Grumpy: I don't want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain. It makes me who I am. It makes me Grumpy.

     

Balance Beam - Francis Chan

Fully Surrendered

“If you fuel your journey on the opinions of others, you are going to run out of gas.”
― Steve Maraboli

     This morning I see clearly a very high mountain and at the top is a cross.  The meaning of this life is at the top of that mountain and at the foot of that cross.  Some people can't see it up there hidden by the clouds, but to others it shines brighter than the sun.  We are all on a journey up the side of the mountain, and though some of our paths are similar, they are each unique.

     We climb knowing we will never reach the top until our worldly death.  Many people know that this is the way but they believe they are content circling the base of the mountain, never taking that first step to start the climb.  Others push on in a straight upward direction.  Then there are the ones in between, like me.  I march forward for a while determined to cover ground and then I slow to a stand still.  I am now learning this is not a failure but a time to rest in Him, build strength, thank Him for the ground I've covered and get direction for the journey forward.  We know overall the top is our goal, but in blind faith we follow not knowing what's immediately ahead.

     What I am realizing lately is the importance of each step in the journey.  The clearing of the path for the next person who walks that stretch.  We are stalled by a small creek so we stop and take down a tree, allowing it to fall across the water, so the next person to pass through this particular area will find it easier to pass over that obstacle. 

     We tend to see the same person repeatedly because their path is similar and we become dependent on them to tell us where to step so we don't fall and how to get over obstacles.  Then their path veers off in another direction and we find ourselves praying they will show up at difficult times but realizing God will direct us through the thick brush.  We are again clearing for the next person.  The closer you get to the top the more determined you become to reach out to that next person and tell them where to place their foot and how to maneuver around that fallen tree.

     Sometimes you come into a peaceful clearing and you sit alone with God, hearing the sounds, smelling the fragrances, remembering the journey and conversing about what's ahead.  Other times your path intersects with others and you rest together for awhile looking out over the view of the way you have come and you share your stories and encourage each other to keep climbing.  Somebody mentions the log you pushed across the water and how they needed that comfort at that time, just to know somebody had been there before them.  You thank God for the opportunity and the strength to complete that task even though many times you wanted to quit.  To hear how it helped another makes you realize you will do it again if instructed to with a little less grumbling and complaining.

   Some of us will stay at the foot of the mountain and others of us will reach higher places than most, but for each of us, one day, we will be plucked from our journey and lifted to the top.  There will be dancing and singing and hugs from loved ones.  We will see things we never dreamed we would see and we will meet our Papa face to face.  Will we hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant"?

 

Psalm 84[a]

For the director of music. According to gittith.^[b] Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.

¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
    Lord Almighty!
² My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.
³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.^[c]

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.^[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,    till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
    listen to me, God of Jacob.
⁹ Look on our shield,^[e] O God;
    look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
¹¹ For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² Lord Almighty,
    blessed is the one who trusts in you.