“As you soak in His Presence, and soak up His love for you, you will begin to know that you are truly and totally loved, maybe for the first time in your life. This will change your life in so many ways. You will feel and experience His love and His rest and His peace daily and this cannot help but affect your life.”
― Linda Boone, Intimate Life Lessons; developing the intimacy with God you already have.
In the book I am reading the author talks of a friend who was thankful to be single. He expressed it often, but one day he began praying in tongues and the interpretation of what he was saying was a deep longing for a wife and family. Once he acknowledged this, he was soon married and blessed with children. My first thought was that he must have had some idea he wanted marriage. But the Lord pointed out to me there have been times in my life when I thought, truly believed I had forgiven and then realized I had buried deep in my heart a debilitating bitterness. Many times I have thought the actions of another did not affect me at all, only to read something or hear something later and realize I was really hurt.
I think all people, especially abused or deeply hurt people keep the inner most rooms of their heart locked up tight so even they forget those chambers exist. When we step into an intimate friendship with another person, we slowly reveal who we really are to each other, but there is a place we decide to stop revealing, often times depending on their reaction or behavior. When we step into an intimate relationship with Christ He loves to reveal to us who He is, but this relationship is different than a human friendship, because He also reveals to us who we really are.
If Jesus were standing before me right now, the one thing between Him and my heart is flesh. That's why we have to invite Him into our hearts. Truly give it to Him. Allow him to roam around in those dark and locked up places. It is so much easier to hear our flesh than it is to hear that still small voice. We have to rip back that flesh over our hearts and give Him complete access. If we keep Him on the outside His words have to travel through our flesh, which is a me, me, me filter. Allowing Him to roam freely in the deepest darkest chambers of our heart can be painful, but it is so worth it.
I constantly ask God to reveal hidden sin. Lord if I am prideful show me. If I am holding on to bitterness reveal it to me. I want to see it and I want to repent and truly change. I expect there to be bad behaviors, feelings and habits in me, but to my surprise instead of hidden sin, He is working on revealing hidden desires. Yes, He cares about our desires. During our conversation about how I could possibly not know what's in my heart He suddenly gave me a picture of Him on the cross. I was overwhelmed with how alone He felt. He even cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" Then He whispered to me, "I get it."
"WHAT? Get what? I have friends. I am not alone."
The truth. I always feel alone. The only one who has even touched on removing that deep heart felt loneliness is Jesus. I do not feel alone when I am alone with Him. "What are you talking about, Jesus?" He had to walk me through the feeling of loneliness to reveal a deep desire I would have denied up until that moment. I want somebody, I want Him to take care of me. I have always prided myself on taking care of myself. It's easy to submit when God asks me to do something, like bless someone, pray for something, love another. No problem. Now, He is taking me through a test of receiving. This is more difficult for me than giving by far. He has taken away everything I put my security into and said, "Let me take care of you." I don't know how.
I want to kick open doors that are not mine to open. He wants to gently push other doors open and invite me to step through into an unknown place. My flesh wants to provide for myself and others and He is saying, "Let me." He is telling me that I want Him to and He wants to provide for me, but I don't totally trust Him to do that. This is an area I keep Him on the outside. My flesh is between His presence and my heart. My flesh says, "I will provide for myself what I need." He says my heart is expressing a desire opposite of my flesh.
My flesh and my spirit go to war. My head backs up my flesh, while my heart is in support of my spirit. And the war goes on as I try desperately to crucify my flesh and allow my heart to beat in time with His.
I heard a woman speak recently on how our Father, the King opens the door and invites us to live in His castle, but so many of us stand in the foyer. Whole churches are gathered there in the foyer, peeking in to watch Jesus move about the place. She used the example of how we would feel if our kids felt they only deserved the foyer. What if they never sat at our table, slept in a nice comfortable bed, enjoyed the presence of our company? How ridiculous that sounds. I see my friends in the castle moving about with Jesus, I hear them laugh. I'm stepping in. I'm checking out every corner of this castle He wants to share with me. But, I think I will do that after I spend some time just sitting with Him on the couch. It's more satisfying to wait for Him to open the door and invite me in to where He wants me to be, than to kick the door down and find out I'm at the wrong castle.
His plan is not locked into time, it is locked into obedience of faith. When we step out into what He says, His will is done. - Don Nori Sr.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Without free will - love does not exist.
“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Where are you God? How many times have we all screamed that? I love the questions we scream at Him and all He does is repeat them back to us. Where are you? Uh... right here where you left me? He sits right in front of us, then circumstances blind us and we can't see Him, but He hasn't moved.
The conversation starts out all business like. I do not have rent money, You have to do something. After a 48 hour freak out, I'm done with You God, I thought You said You love me blah blah blah, I break. I am broken. Whatever You want Lord, just tell me what to do. I want you to stop wandering off. The advice of a friend was to go back to the last thing he told me to do and that was editing. I have to finish editing my story. He has a plan.
I went back to the story with only 20 pages left to go through, but the last three blew me away. In my story I was telling about how I took Jesus on a tour. I drove Him around showing Him where several traumatic things happened to me. I talked to Him as though He was totally unaware these things even happened. Then we came to the field where the rape occurred. I told Him. He gave me a picture of Him there speaking loudly into the ear of the man, begging Him to stop. I couldn't handle anymore so I drove home.
I emailed a friend, hoping to find relief in the torment I was going through because of the picture. His response? "Imagine how Jesus felt." I don't remember exactly how I responded to that statement back then when it happened, but when I read it while editing I decided it was time to ask. I set the laptop down, got on my knees in my favorite prayer spot and with an obvious angry tone I asked Him. "How did that make you feel, Jesus?" He immediately responded with a picture. The rape was occurring in an interrogation room. That alone says something. There was a huge mirror on the wall where all I could see was what was happening to me. Me. It was about me. But it was a two way mirror and on the back side of the mirror where the investigators stand watching from another room was Jesus. He was slamming His fists on the window and He was yelling, "Stop! Don't hurt her. I love you." Yes, I knew He loved the rapist. At the same time, He was screaming to me, "I'm sorry. I never wanted this. I love you." But neither of us could see Him or hear Him. Then in that still small voice I heard, "The glass is made of free will." Of course our side was a mirror, because it was all about us. He was all about himself that night no matter the cost. I was all about what was happening to me.
This made sense to me and brought a few tears, but I still had to ask, "But how did you really feel?" Then He gave me a memory. My grandson wasn't old enough to talk yet and was having a procedure done at the hospital. My daughter could not handle it and walked out. I had to hold him down. He was crying and angry and fighting. I was crying and hurting and kissing his face, trying to comfort him. Then he looked at me with eyes I will never forget and still bring tears to mine. I could see the question, "Grandma, why are you letting them do this to me?" It ripped my heart completely out of my chest. The Lord said, "You could have forced them to stop. You could have picked him up and took him out of there. But?? You knew what needed to be. You knew what was best in the long run. I could have broken through that glass and picked you up and took you out of that car, but without free will love does not exist." I saw Jesus, I saw His heart. My grandson did not want comfort from me, he wanted his mother. I did not want comfort from Jesus, but instead ran to alcohol and many other things through the years, still angry at Him for allowing it to happen.
Like many people I have forgiven those who hurt me, but coming to a place where I understand Jesus' position is healing beyond anything I have ever known. At this time we have a 14 month old baby girl living with us. After this revelation I cannot look at her without understanding God even more. At first it was when she was being naughty and knew it. She reached for something she should not have while looking right at me. She knew. I thought of all the times I have done that. I give it to Him and then take it back, knowing it is wrong.
Then I watch her sleep and all I can think about is how God watches His children, us as we sleep and how that feels to Him. When she figures out that the triangle shape fits through the triangle hole and looks over at me to share in the excitement. I wonder how many times God is clapping for us and we don't even look His way. He has taken me to a place where I see it everywhere. I can't look at people and not see what He is seeing. How many times our parents told us not to and we didn't listen. He knows that one. Today I heard of a friend who reached out and hugged a stranger in tears and introduced her to Jesus. How did God feel about his daughter in that moment? I know how I feel when my kids reach out to show a stranger kindness. What was the right thing to do in her eyes, I believe caused a loud thunderous celebration in heaven, not only because the kingdom grew by one, but because Daddy was proud of His little girl for stepping out and trusting Him. She stepped out of the comfort zone and into the unknown, found His lost child and brought her straight to her Daddy's arms. I love that picture.
We tend to want the dealers arrested and punished who are selling those drugs to our kids, but He wants the dealer in His kingdom as much as He wants our child, because they both belong to Him. At any given time looking at our kids we can see mistakes they make that break our heart and sometimes we see courage or kindness that melts it. He sees every struggle, every tear, every fear of everyone of us even if we think He is not watching. How can we ignore that? We see Him as we see our earthly father and that is not how He is. No matter how good our dad was, He is better. He is perfect. He smiles at our messy faces, He can't help but stroke our hair while we sleep, He sees the danger as we learn to walk and has to let us fall. He laughs the first time we see snow and bends the branches down a little lower so we can reach the fruit we want to pick. He stands behind the glass of free will and He allows us to suffer, but He kisses our faces, offers comfort and weeps with us. This life is about becoming more like Jesus and He tells us to grieve with those who grieve and weep with those who weep, because that is what Jesus would do and does.
“What makes a man's 80 year-old Irish uncle skip like a little boy? "Me Father is very fond of me!”
― John Ortberg Jr., Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Where are you God? How many times have we all screamed that? I love the questions we scream at Him and all He does is repeat them back to us. Where are you? Uh... right here where you left me? He sits right in front of us, then circumstances blind us and we can't see Him, but He hasn't moved.
The conversation starts out all business like. I do not have rent money, You have to do something. After a 48 hour freak out, I'm done with You God, I thought You said You love me blah blah blah, I break. I am broken. Whatever You want Lord, just tell me what to do. I want you to stop wandering off. The advice of a friend was to go back to the last thing he told me to do and that was editing. I have to finish editing my story. He has a plan.
I went back to the story with only 20 pages left to go through, but the last three blew me away. In my story I was telling about how I took Jesus on a tour. I drove Him around showing Him where several traumatic things happened to me. I talked to Him as though He was totally unaware these things even happened. Then we came to the field where the rape occurred. I told Him. He gave me a picture of Him there speaking loudly into the ear of the man, begging Him to stop. I couldn't handle anymore so I drove home.
I emailed a friend, hoping to find relief in the torment I was going through because of the picture. His response? "Imagine how Jesus felt." I don't remember exactly how I responded to that statement back then when it happened, but when I read it while editing I decided it was time to ask. I set the laptop down, got on my knees in my favorite prayer spot and with an obvious angry tone I asked Him. "How did that make you feel, Jesus?" He immediately responded with a picture. The rape was occurring in an interrogation room. That alone says something. There was a huge mirror on the wall where all I could see was what was happening to me. Me. It was about me. But it was a two way mirror and on the back side of the mirror where the investigators stand watching from another room was Jesus. He was slamming His fists on the window and He was yelling, "Stop! Don't hurt her. I love you." Yes, I knew He loved the rapist. At the same time, He was screaming to me, "I'm sorry. I never wanted this. I love you." But neither of us could see Him or hear Him. Then in that still small voice I heard, "The glass is made of free will." Of course our side was a mirror, because it was all about us. He was all about himself that night no matter the cost. I was all about what was happening to me.
This made sense to me and brought a few tears, but I still had to ask, "But how did you really feel?" Then He gave me a memory. My grandson wasn't old enough to talk yet and was having a procedure done at the hospital. My daughter could not handle it and walked out. I had to hold him down. He was crying and angry and fighting. I was crying and hurting and kissing his face, trying to comfort him. Then he looked at me with eyes I will never forget and still bring tears to mine. I could see the question, "Grandma, why are you letting them do this to me?" It ripped my heart completely out of my chest. The Lord said, "You could have forced them to stop. You could have picked him up and took him out of there. But?? You knew what needed to be. You knew what was best in the long run. I could have broken through that glass and picked you up and took you out of that car, but without free will love does not exist." I saw Jesus, I saw His heart. My grandson did not want comfort from me, he wanted his mother. I did not want comfort from Jesus, but instead ran to alcohol and many other things through the years, still angry at Him for allowing it to happen.
Like many people I have forgiven those who hurt me, but coming to a place where I understand Jesus' position is healing beyond anything I have ever known. At this time we have a 14 month old baby girl living with us. After this revelation I cannot look at her without understanding God even more. At first it was when she was being naughty and knew it. She reached for something she should not have while looking right at me. She knew. I thought of all the times I have done that. I give it to Him and then take it back, knowing it is wrong.
Then I watch her sleep and all I can think about is how God watches His children, us as we sleep and how that feels to Him. When she figures out that the triangle shape fits through the triangle hole and looks over at me to share in the excitement. I wonder how many times God is clapping for us and we don't even look His way. He has taken me to a place where I see it everywhere. I can't look at people and not see what He is seeing. How many times our parents told us not to and we didn't listen. He knows that one. Today I heard of a friend who reached out and hugged a stranger in tears and introduced her to Jesus. How did God feel about his daughter in that moment? I know how I feel when my kids reach out to show a stranger kindness. What was the right thing to do in her eyes, I believe caused a loud thunderous celebration in heaven, not only because the kingdom grew by one, but because Daddy was proud of His little girl for stepping out and trusting Him. She stepped out of the comfort zone and into the unknown, found His lost child and brought her straight to her Daddy's arms. I love that picture.
We tend to want the dealers arrested and punished who are selling those drugs to our kids, but He wants the dealer in His kingdom as much as He wants our child, because they both belong to Him. At any given time looking at our kids we can see mistakes they make that break our heart and sometimes we see courage or kindness that melts it. He sees every struggle, every tear, every fear of everyone of us even if we think He is not watching. How can we ignore that? We see Him as we see our earthly father and that is not how He is. No matter how good our dad was, He is better. He is perfect. He smiles at our messy faces, He can't help but stroke our hair while we sleep, He sees the danger as we learn to walk and has to let us fall. He laughs the first time we see snow and bends the branches down a little lower so we can reach the fruit we want to pick. He stands behind the glass of free will and He allows us to suffer, but He kisses our faces, offers comfort and weeps with us. This life is about becoming more like Jesus and He tells us to grieve with those who grieve and weep with those who weep, because that is what Jesus would do and does.
“What makes a man's 80 year-old Irish uncle skip like a little boy? "Me Father is very fond of me!”
― John Ortberg Jr., Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them
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