“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Where are you God? How many times have we all screamed that? I love the questions we scream at Him and all He does is repeat them back to us. Where are you? Uh... right here where you left me? He sits right in front of us, then circumstances blind us and we can't see Him, but He hasn't moved.
The conversation starts out all business like. I do not have rent money, You have to do something. After a 48 hour freak out, I'm done with You God, I thought You said You love me blah blah blah, I break. I am broken. Whatever You want Lord, just tell me what to do. I want you to stop wandering off. The advice of a friend was to go back to the last thing he told me to do and that was editing. I have to finish editing my story. He has a plan.
I went back to the story with only 20 pages left to go through, but the last three blew me away. In my story I was telling about how I took Jesus on a tour. I drove Him around showing Him where several traumatic things happened to me. I talked to Him as though He was totally unaware these things even happened. Then we came to the field where the rape occurred. I told Him. He gave me a picture of Him there speaking loudly into the ear of the man, begging Him to stop. I couldn't handle anymore so I drove home.
I emailed a friend, hoping to find relief in the torment I was going through because of the picture. His response? "Imagine how Jesus felt." I don't remember exactly how I responded to that statement back then when it happened, but when I read it while editing I decided it was time to ask. I set the laptop down, got on my knees in my favorite prayer spot and with an obvious angry tone I asked Him. "How did that make you feel, Jesus?" He immediately responded with a picture. The rape was occurring in an interrogation room. That alone says something. There was a huge mirror on the wall where all I could see was what was happening to me. Me. It was about me. But it was a two way mirror and on the back side of the mirror where the investigators stand watching from another room was Jesus. He was slamming His fists on the window and He was yelling, "Stop! Don't hurt her. I love you." Yes, I knew He loved the rapist. At the same time, He was screaming to me, "I'm sorry. I never wanted this. I love you." But neither of us could see Him or hear Him. Then in that still small voice I heard, "The glass is made of free will." Of course our side was a mirror, because it was all about us. He was all about himself that night no matter the cost. I was all about what was happening to me.
This made sense to me and brought a few tears, but I still had to ask, "But how did you really feel?" Then He gave me a memory. My grandson wasn't old enough to talk yet and was having a procedure done at the hospital. My daughter could not handle it and walked out. I had to hold him down. He was crying and angry and fighting. I was crying and hurting and kissing his face, trying to comfort him. Then he looked at me with eyes I will never forget and still bring tears to mine. I could see the question, "Grandma, why are you letting them do this to me?" It ripped my heart completely out of my chest. The Lord said, "You could have forced them to stop. You could have picked him up and took him out of there. But?? You knew what needed to be. You knew what was best in the long run. I could have broken through that glass and picked you up and took you out of that car, but without free will love does not exist." I saw Jesus, I saw His heart. My grandson did not want comfort from me, he wanted his mother. I did not want comfort from Jesus, but instead ran to alcohol and many other things through the years, still angry at Him for allowing it to happen.
Like many people I have forgiven those who hurt me, but coming to a place where I understand Jesus' position is healing beyond anything I have ever known. At this time we have a 14 month old baby girl living with us. After this revelation I cannot look at her without understanding God even more. At first it was when she was being naughty and knew it. She reached for something she should not have while looking right at me. She knew. I thought of all the times I have done that. I give it to Him and then take it back, knowing it is wrong.
Then I watch her sleep and all I can think about is how God watches His children, us as we sleep and how that feels to Him. When she figures out that the triangle shape fits through the triangle hole and looks over at me to share in the excitement. I wonder how many times God is clapping for us and we don't even look His way. He has taken me to a place where I see it everywhere. I can't look at people and not see what He is seeing. How many times our parents told us not to and we didn't listen. He knows that one. Today I heard of a friend who reached out and hugged a stranger in tears and introduced her to Jesus. How did God feel about his daughter in that moment? I know how I feel when my kids reach out to show a stranger kindness. What was the right thing to do in her eyes, I believe caused a loud thunderous celebration in heaven, not only because the kingdom grew by one, but because Daddy was proud of His little girl for stepping out and trusting Him. She stepped out of the comfort zone and into the unknown, found His lost child and brought her straight to her Daddy's arms. I love that picture.
We tend to want the dealers arrested and punished who are selling those drugs to our kids, but He wants the dealer in His kingdom as much as He wants our child, because they both belong to Him. At any given time looking at our kids we can see mistakes they make that break our heart and sometimes we see courage or kindness that melts it. He sees every struggle, every tear, every fear of everyone of us even if we think He is not watching. How can we ignore that? We see Him as we see our earthly father and that is not how He is. No matter how good our dad was, He is better. He is perfect. He smiles at our messy faces, He can't help but stroke our hair while we sleep, He sees the danger as we learn to walk and has to let us fall. He laughs the first time we see snow and bends the branches down a little lower so we can reach the fruit we want to pick. He stands behind the glass of free will and He allows us to suffer, but He kisses our faces, offers comfort and weeps with us. This life is about becoming more like Jesus and He tells us to grieve with those who grieve and weep with those who weep, because that is what Jesus would do and does.
“What makes a man's 80 year-old Irish uncle skip like a little boy? "Me Father is very fond of me!”
― John Ortberg Jr., Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them
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