“As you soak in His Presence, and soak up His love for you, you will begin to know that you are truly and totally loved, maybe for the first time in your life. This will change your life in so many ways. You will feel and experience His love and His rest and His peace daily and this cannot help but affect your life.”
― Linda Boone, Intimate Life Lessons; developing the intimacy with God you already have.
In the book I am reading the author talks of a friend who was thankful to be single. He expressed it often, but one day he began praying in tongues and the interpretation of what he was saying was a deep longing for a wife and family. Once he acknowledged this, he was soon married and blessed with children. My first thought was that he must have had some idea he wanted marriage. But the Lord pointed out to me there have been times in my life when I thought, truly believed I had forgiven and then realized I had buried deep in my heart a debilitating bitterness. Many times I have thought the actions of another did not affect me at all, only to read something or hear something later and realize I was really hurt.
I think all people, especially abused or deeply hurt people keep the inner most rooms of their heart locked up tight so even they forget those chambers exist. When we step into an intimate friendship with another person, we slowly reveal who we really are to each other, but there is a place we decide to stop revealing, often times depending on their reaction or behavior. When we step into an intimate relationship with Christ He loves to reveal to us who He is, but this relationship is different than a human friendship, because He also reveals to us who we really are.
If Jesus were standing before me right now, the one thing between Him and my heart is flesh. That's why we have to invite Him into our hearts. Truly give it to Him. Allow him to roam around in those dark and locked up places. It is so much easier to hear our flesh than it is to hear that still small voice. We have to rip back that flesh over our hearts and give Him complete access. If we keep Him on the outside His words have to travel through our flesh, which is a me, me, me filter. Allowing Him to roam freely in the deepest darkest chambers of our heart can be painful, but it is so worth it.
I constantly ask God to reveal hidden sin. Lord if I am prideful show me. If I am holding on to bitterness reveal it to me. I want to see it and I want to repent and truly change. I expect there to be bad behaviors, feelings and habits in me, but to my surprise instead of hidden sin, He is working on revealing hidden desires. Yes, He cares about our desires. During our conversation about how I could possibly not know what's in my heart He suddenly gave me a picture of Him on the cross. I was overwhelmed with how alone He felt. He even cried out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" Then He whispered to me, "I get it."
"WHAT? Get what? I have friends. I am not alone."
The truth. I always feel alone. The only one who has even touched on removing that deep heart felt loneliness is Jesus. I do not feel alone when I am alone with Him. "What are you talking about, Jesus?" He had to walk me through the feeling of loneliness to reveal a deep desire I would have denied up until that moment. I want somebody, I want Him to take care of me. I have always prided myself on taking care of myself. It's easy to submit when God asks me to do something, like bless someone, pray for something, love another. No problem. Now, He is taking me through a test of receiving. This is more difficult for me than giving by far. He has taken away everything I put my security into and said, "Let me take care of you." I don't know how.
I want to kick open doors that are not mine to open. He wants to gently push other doors open and invite me to step through into an unknown place. My flesh wants to provide for myself and others and He is saying, "Let me." He is telling me that I want Him to and He wants to provide for me, but I don't totally trust Him to do that. This is an area I keep Him on the outside. My flesh is between His presence and my heart. My flesh says, "I will provide for myself what I need." He says my heart is expressing a desire opposite of my flesh.
My flesh and my spirit go to war. My head backs up my flesh, while my heart is in support of my spirit. And the war goes on as I try desperately to crucify my flesh and allow my heart to beat in time with His.
I heard a woman speak recently on how our Father, the King opens the door and invites us to live in His castle, but so many of us stand in the foyer. Whole churches are gathered there in the foyer, peeking in to watch Jesus move about the place. She used the example of how we would feel if our kids felt they only deserved the foyer. What if they never sat at our table, slept in a nice comfortable bed, enjoyed the presence of our company? How ridiculous that sounds. I see my friends in the castle moving about with Jesus, I hear them laugh. I'm stepping in. I'm checking out every corner of this castle He wants to share with me. But, I think I will do that after I spend some time just sitting with Him on the couch. It's more satisfying to wait for Him to open the door and invite me in to where He wants me to be, than to kick the door down and find out I'm at the wrong castle.
His plan is not locked into time, it is locked into obedience of faith. When we step out into what He says, His will is done. - Don Nori Sr.
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