It's Always Time To Die!

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus Name, Amen. - A.W. Tozer

     There is an argument I have with my closest friends quite often. Why I argue I am not sure, because I know they are right.  Sometimes it feels like we are playing a game where all our shortcomings or sins, whatever you want to call them, are written on our foreheads and the whole world can see them, but us.  I know I don't see my things that drive others crazy.  I want to.  I ask God.  Show me what needs to go, because I want to be everything I can be for Him, but I have to die to me to make that room for Him.  It's a process, I have gone after hard, but not sure I am getting anywhere any faster than anyone else.  
     My argument is, what kind of friend am I if I don't tell them what is on their forehead?  I can see it as plain as day.  I see how it hurts them every day.  I can see the foolishness when they act like they have it all together, but we all see the list.  They don't fool us into believing it's not there.  Why don't we tell them?  
     A while back a friend and I were discussing one of my issues.  I honestly don't remember what it was, but I remember a light when on in his eye and I thought "Yes, He is going to tell me in a way I will get it."  But instead he said he was going to wait for God to tell me.  Seriously?  God can scream at me and I don't hear Him.  But my friend said it always sticks in the heart better if it is God who tells us.  Well, I got it from God that afternoon and couldn't wait to tell my  friend that God had let me in on their little secret about me.  He was happy to tears for me.  I have to admit, I questioned if I wouldn't have got it just as well had he told me.  I think its more about the relationship building it does with us and Christ when He reveals our brokenness through love. 
     It's just so hard to watch someone drowning and refuse to let go of the boulder.  Now, around me I have many who are dying physical deaths and I want so badly to take their boulders and give them Jesus, but they are clinging.  I hate to be the one to say it but a couple are so sure they will be healed and/or they can live for years with this cancer.  People don't live with this kind of cancer very long.  That's in the natural.  They are so sure they are right they will cling on to those boulders believing . . . ?  People close to them, who believe in healing, don't believe it will happen because they see the boulders too.  Yet, they encourage and I just don't think it's right to encourage without truth.  They wouldn't hear me though.
     The difference in those facing the same fate is incredible and I may not be seeing it, but the Lord gave me Jim.  Jim prays he got everything done the Father wanted, but he is ready to go talk to Him about it.  Those fighting to stay, believing it is not their time, believing for healing, may say they are ready to go, but I see the fear.  They talk about how great God is and how much they believe, but there is something missing in their faith.  There is something that says, but what if . . . ?? 
     I got a word from the Lord last night that this is a time of training.  These relationships, this cancer, the fighting, the resigning, the battle is all in front of me to learn.  To learn what?  I don't want to get to the end and wonder if God will heal me of the disease the enemy inflicted on me.  I want to know that if the enemy has a right to inflict me, if he has authority in my life to give me a disease, to infect me with cancer, I want to know like I know right now that I most likely left a door open to him.  I have seen this so many times and I don't want to stop believing because it is me.  Most cancer is from bitterness.  The sad part is I see it.  I see the bitterness in these people.  I see it propping the door open to the enemy.  They talk about things and pretty soon you hear it in their voice and they show their anger.  One talks about guns or this country and his voice gets louder and you hear the bitterness.  One talks about a woman from years ago and the anger comes.  One talks about people who have left him.  He is so focused on what others did to him when right now would be a better than perfect time to be looking at what he has done to others and ask God, not trust his own gauges of guilt.  He hasn't seen it.  We don't see it and if we don't one day we will be looking at death and wishing we could hear Him now.  When death is knocking at the door and you have no choice . . . if you don't open the door he will break it down because he has the right . . . it's time to read the writing on the wall, quickly.  Your friends have already kept it from you.  You need a word from God on where to hear truth. 
     I had a vision about one of these people months and months ago.  Jesus flew me to his house and there was a poorly made rocking horse in the front yard.  I knew something was off and sure enough realized it was full of demons.  They were sneaking into his house in the Trojan rocking horse.  I wrapped chains around that horse and locked them all inside the horse so they could not escape and make his life more miserable.  Then the Lord showed me how He had written all over the cabinets and walls inside.  It was of an ink only this man would be able to see.  Now I see they are little mirrors so he can see what is written on his forehead. 
     Ironic, most of my life I have wanted to go to be with Jesus and yet He says I have much to do here.  These men get to go home and only one has his robes on and is standing at the door.  The others fight to stay.  God has proven time and time again, we don't need them.  It doesn't matter who dies, we go on without them.  If there was more they could do for God and His plan, surely He would keep them here.  Maybe that's the key?  Are they doing for God or are they doing for self?  If you don't die to self how much on His list can you get done anyway?

Evangelical repentance is repentance of sin as sin: not of this sin nor of that, but of the whole mass. We repent of the sin of our nature as well as the sin of our practice. We bemoan sin within us and without us. We repent of sin itself as being an insult to God. Anything short of this is a mere surface repentance, and not a repentance which reaches to the bottom of the mischief. Repentance of the evil act, and not of the evil heart, is like men pumping water out of a leaky vessel, but forgetting to stop the leak. Some would dam up the stream, but leave the fountain still flowing; they would remove the eruption from the skin, but leave the disease in the flesh. -- Charles H Spurgeon

This is Your Brain on . . .

“There's no reason to have a plan B (mine) because it distracts from plan A (God's).”
― Will Smith


    This quote cracks me up.  Especially after the words that struck me this morning.  I got home late last night and decided to watch Dave's sermon on line.  Something struck me but I wasn't sure what is was.  I watched enough of the sermon this morning to understand.  He was talking about baptism.  I realized baptism is one of the few things we agree on.  Only water baptism though.  He was talking about it being symbolic of dying, being buried and being resurrected.  He began to give a list of things we need to die to; bitterness, pride, whatever else.  I heard each thing and it made sense, but this morning when he choked up so did I.  My plans.  That's a tough one.  Die to my plans. 
     Especially in this country, people are urged to plan and if you don't you are irresponsible.  You plan for a career, you plan for college, you plan for children, marriage, retirement, etc.  Then we find Jesus and we open the passenger door for Him to get in and ride along with us through our plans.  He even lets us believe our plan is okay, for a little while.   Then one day if you truly pursue Him with all your heart and you obey and you listen, it happens, a tug of war on the best laid plans.  I know women who have planned for their wedding their whole life.  Last night I went to a wedding that was planned out by God.  Holy Spirit was the guest of Honor.  It was absolutely amazing.  Are we willing to let Him do that much of the planning?
     God ultimately holds the plans.  We can go to school for twelve years to be a surgeon and He can take our hands.  Or allow our hands to be taken.  Now what?  We can plan all our lives to have a big family and then find the spouse of our dreams can't have children.  NOT what we had planned. 
     Lately with friends the topic has been what is okay with one of us, may not be with another.  Maybe my friend can watch a show, that I feel convicted if I watch.  Maybe she can have a beer, but I am not comfortable.  Why?  Is there no black and white with God?  Maybe it's my call.  Maybe it's her weakness.  Maybe it's his brokenness and a freedom he hasn't found yet?  I seem to live by stricter standards and some days I get angry about it.  Why can't I do what the other kids can do?  
     It's funny because in a couple months it will be 6 years since I first talked to Dave.  We have been through a lot.  We are a lot alike.  God has allowed the enemy to attack both of our brains and I can't help but wonder if there is meaning there.  I have my dead cells from the stroke and he has a tumor.  He always has to "one up" me.  When he repeats himself, I laugh because I get it and I do it and then I say a prayer for him.   
     There is a movie about the prophet Jeremiah.  Patrick Dempsey plays Jeremiah.  He and the king argued a lot like Dave and I and at one time the movie helped me understand what was happening between us.  There is one scene where Jeremiah grabs the prison bars and shakes the door, yelling, "GOD!!  GOD!!"  Man, I identified with that scene.  I am sure Dave does now.  The prophet is always trying to get a stubborn king to change from his plans to God's plans. 
     I plan nothing without the Lord.  Some would say I take it too far, but I don't think so.  It's more of a "I'm moving through the day this way.  Stop me God, if there is something else you want me to do."  Often He does.  Often He changes the whole day.  Other times He changes nothing.  When you have been planning your whole life and then suddenly you have a death threat, you spend a lot of time being still with your mouth hanging open and no words.  It's being forced to change plans and it sucks, until we realize it is God and it is best and it is right, but it can still suck.

If it was easy, everybody would be doing it. - Dave

Me is a small part of Messiah

“Jesus calls us to his rest, and meekness is His method. The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort.”
― A.W. Tozer, Pursuit of God 
 

          One of my favorite things to do in my time with God, is listen.  I'm not talking about throwing out to Him all my concerns and waiting for Him to explain Himself.  What I am talking about is sitting quiet with Him and giving Him the floor.  Maybe I will start with "Good Morning, Jesus" but that is it.  Often times, after a few seconds He will ask a question or make a statement that is so far from anything I have been thinking about, that I have no doubt it is Him.  Sometimes He talks about me.  Sometimes He talks about Him.  Sometimes He talks about others, usually my relationship with them.  And other times He talks about life, the Church or the world in general.  More often than not lately His words are about listening to others.  It's not about my ability to listen, but more about what people are talking about.  Most of them are talking about the same thing whether they are believers, non-believers, young, old, whatever, their subject is always about them. 
     A couple years ago I began following a retired pastor on FB, "Jim".  Every day he poured out wisdom from his morning time with Jesus, or a lifetime with God, I am not sure where he got all of his wisdom and revelation.  In July of 2015 I got brave enough and asked him to be friends.  Not that I felt worthy, but because I didn't want to miss a thing he had to say.  Then he figured out how to make and post videos and that made him a real person, not just amazing words on a page.  He was and is so humble.  He talked mostly about what he was realizing about who God is, mistaken beliefs he had over the years.  It was refreshing.
     One day "Jim" dropped a bomb shell.  He was living in New York, but was going to be moving to Florida to live with his daughter.  Of all the months I had followed him, not once had I read anything about him having cancer.   And now it was serious enough that he wasn't able to take care of himself.  I cried.  I have never met this man, but he was such a humble mentor.  He did not need my pat on the back or my silly little compliments, all he needs is the Father and I was thankful he allowed us to see into their relationship.  There was a time his daughter got on line and posted for him and I thought it was the end, but he bounced back and I was selfishly happy for the additional time I had to watch, read, and follow him, instead of "Jim" joining Jesus. 
     The Lord led me to Jim.  He is a good example of the humility God wants in us.  But when you find someone like Jim, others start to stand out too.  This is where God has me listening to others.  I can't count the times I have picked up the phone and listened to a "friend" talk about everything thing in their life, ask me to pray for them, and then have to hang up, because somebody else is calling.  Not once do they ask about me or mine.  It's making me very sad.  Not that I need the attention, but that I question if this is how they talk . . . talk AT everyone.  Isn't FB enough talking about self?  My friend who has had cancer in his throat, prostate and now lymph glands rarely talks about how he feels.  I have to drag it out of him.  I have to insist that I am a friend and that's what friends do, they listen.  He will admit he is tired, he will admit his fears, and he will ask for a little help, but he really focuses on the positive.  He is a humble man.
     Facing death brings out who we really are.  I admit I am not one who likes to face my mistakes or my shortcomings.  I don't set aside days to ask the Lord if there is anyone I owe an apology to.  I forgive often, but I fall short when it comes to asking for forgiveness.  When I had a stroke a little over a year ago, before they came with the results of the MRI I pulled a friend aside and asked him "If this turns out bad, please get ??? in here so I can make things right."  Facing death exposes the truth about who a person really is. 
     I see so many people stuck in the "Look at me" stage of life.  I remember at about 3 or 4 realizing that my parents were my sisters parents too.  And as my world revolved around me hers revolved around her.  Then as I got older there was the "I live on a stage" period of life.  I see many stuck there.  That's where old men drive down the road playing music from their past, nodding, winking and giving a little wave like they are the coolest of the cool and you wonder if they ever were.  They live on a stage they should have stepped off of at least by 16.  You can see it in people, those who live every day like their life is a movie.
     When following Christ, if our lives and hearts have truly been given completely to Him, there should be a maturity that happens.  There should be a change in who we are that we can't help.  We should be teachable.  There should be no bible topic we fear, because "I don't know" is an answer.  We should never have unquestioned, uncritical agreement and allegiance to a human leader.  If they don't allow us to question, we should run.  I watch the Lord try to get a person's attention over and over and they don't see it, because they are stuck on what they need.  They are stuck on being in "the popular" crowd.  So many have no idea how to "be real" to get in touch with who they really are, because of their fear of man, need to please man, they have become actors.  They don't know who they are. 
     Why does God allow horrible things to happen to us?  Cancer?  As I am watching my friend and pastor Jim become more and more aware of how weak they are and how big God is, I have to listen to them.  I don't want to miss anything.  There has to be a reason God allows the suffering and I wonder if it is because it is making these two look hard at their lives and humbling them.  On the other hand another friend is playing it out like a star.  no I don't mean I am impressed, quite the opposite.  It's like he is waving to the crowd in a parade.  I don't hear anything about Jesus and what He is doing.  I know what is going on behind the scenes is not pretty.  See, I believe God allows trials, traumas, to expose the truth about who we are.  My friend told me the other day that when he spilled his mouth wash that morning, it launched him into a rage he hadn't seen in a while.  It was like he was making a confession to his priest.  He said there was a string of Mother F_ _ _ _ _ s that came out of his mouth and then when he saw the candle he lights during his Higher Power time he said "F You" to his candle.  He looked at me sheepishly and said, "God probably didn't like that."   All I could say, "God has big shoulders.  I have said the same things and worse and He still talks to me."  I was so glad to hear he was letting it out and I told him. 
     One thing that drives me nuts, is when the person we pretend to be is so different from who we really are.  The people I spend the most of my time with are the ones who are the same whether we are in a crowd or it's just the two of us talking.  The bigger the difference in who they are alone or with people, the less of my time they get. 
     I have spent the last couple months in a fog.  I feel like I am standing on a busy street corner and people are moving every which way around me, bumping into me and not even noticing I am there or for that matter, they aren't seeing anyone else.  Everyone is fighting this survival battle.  Everybody is alone.  The world keeps going around.  Nobody is hearing anyone else.  Nobody is seeing anyone else.  I am praying for the dying.  I am praying for the babies.  I am praying for the left behind.  I am praying for the ministries.  I am praying for finances.  I am praying and praying and I see no change.  How do we unite these broken vessels of loneliness?  I feel like a bomb has gone off and all I have is a handful of bandages and a couple bottles of water.  Then it hits me.  There is only one prayer that fits it all.  Lord, rip the veils from their eyes and ears that they may know your will and it is done.  Give them their daily bread of wisdom and revelation that they may align themselves with you.  Wash them in your blood and cover them with mercy and grace.  Then God shows up!
     Two days ago Pastor Jim's daughter posted that they had moved him into hospice and he was settling in nicely.  The nurses love him and he is in no pain. Pray, but let him go.   A few hours later Jim himself posts.  He wasn't talking about his pain, or the cancer or how he was doing, no he was giving a praise report.  He told of how God gave the address of where he was in the hospice house to a couple guys from another state who stopped by and he (Jim) was able to pray for them and pass on his mantle.  He was so excited about what God is doing, never once getting stuck in his own stuff.  I love that.  Jim is not the hero, but to his very last breath he is pointing to the one true God.  Never once since I have followed him has he said look at me.  Every day, in everything he does, he points and says "Look at Jesus". 


"This will blow your mind people really!" - Pastor Jim's last post starts out with these words about Jesus.