Being a goalkeeper is like being the guy in the military who makes the bombs - one mistake and everyone gets blown up.
Artur Boruc
What if you were on a soccer team or better yet, a hockey team and you look over at your goal and there stands a three year old? Yeah, no pads, no helmet, no clue. What is that you hear? Is she singing? What the heck? Is this a joke? Nope. She is guarding your goal. Yeah your goal. The place where the opponent racks up the points. He can ruin your life and take you right out of the game. The T-shirts stop selling, the fans stop coming to watch, because a three year old doesn't have a clue how to be a goalie.
Now, what if that same three year olds parents were there and they suited her up for her own protection and then they suited up themselves and after a good chest bump and a holler and, of course they moved the child behind the protective glass, they stood beside each other filling most of the opening to the goal. Yeah, now we are selling some T-shirts.
The point? Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4 is about getting wisdom at any cost and verse 23 says to guard your heart. The enemy knows when we are three our heart is young and vulnerable. Perfect for attack. He gives us parent's to watch over our hearts because obviously we cannot. As in the illustration above, no child can be expected to guard their heart against the schemes of the enemy.
When the lies of the enemy, through trauma, abuse, etc., make it into the heart of a child they are much easier to believe, than when that child gets older and learns truths. If that child learns truths. Every truth learned is another lie blocked and the opening gets smaller and smaller. I think we call that maturity.
If there is shame the child is less likely to go to the parent to exchange the lie for truth. If the parent does not believe or for some reason does not exchange the lie for truth, the lie multiplies. See, if you receive the enemy's lies as truth it will get in your heart and you will act out those lies. The enemy is taking shots at your heart and your child's heart 24/7, not just for a 60 minute game. And after a shot gets through like a goalie ,we can't just go hide amongst the team. Every shot that gets through changes the game. We always have to have the truths out number the lies to win.
Hockey is murder on ice.
-Jim Murray
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
The Journey: Splintered Personalities?
The Journey: Splintered Personalities?: “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” ― Brennan Manning , Abba's C...
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Brokenness Denial
“Who knows why God allows heartbreak, but the answer must be important enough because God allows His heart to break too.”
― Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way: A Daring Path into the Abundant Life
I have seen it more than once. People will admit they are imperfect. To say they are not would be arrogant. Of course we can admit that. Fewer people can use the word broken. And even fewer are able to tell you how they are broken. Oh, they are willing to share the stories of who broke them, but not HOW they are broken. And next to none, will tell you how they are going about healing.
Thousands of people all over the world claim to be Christians, while their behavior is undeniably from the world. They take advice from the world. They do what the world does and then quote scripture about Jesus hanging with prostitutes. Yes, yes He did, but He never paid them for sexual favors. There is a huge difference. Hang with them, but if you aren't doing it with the goal of introducing them to Christ then check your flesh. If you want to hang with the world, you are broken.
Comfort should come from the Comforter, but when it comes from porn, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, TV, sleep, exercise, etc. etc. you are broken. One of the most freeing things I have learned to do is check my motives. If I am doing it for any selfish gain, I can't do it. If I speak something to get someone to think how I want them to think, that's manipulation. When you have been raised in a manipulative, judgmental family those habits are hard to break, but it can be done. I don't catch it every time, but several times I day I would ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" If it's not to make a life better, don't do it. Soon you will find, you don't even have to check yourself as often. Selfish motives, come out of brokenness. Pure motives come from healing. I am going to leave you with a teaching by Dallas Willard. Love this man. He has taught me a lot about my behavior and who I am. Dare check it out!
“In many cases, our need to wonder about or be told what God wants in a certain situation is nothing short of a clear indication of how little we are engaged in His work.”
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Pinky Swear!
Jesus said, You do your ministry and I will do Mine. You change the world, and while you do that I will change you. - Don Nori Sr.
You ever have one of those nights when you are lying in bed thinking about your life and all you can say is "God!! DO SOMETHING!!" Nothing is how you planned it or how you want it. But it's not about you. You gave it to Him. You can't really take it back.
Well, this morning He started to do something. I have been listening to a series called The Prophetic Edge. There have been several "Aha" moments, but nothing like what He revealed today. It's one of those "I knew that, I just never had it spelled out in such a way" realizations. Otherwise known as "Duh" moments. My friend, Dave passed on the first of this month. No matter how hard we tried we would always end up arguing. I am very thankful the last time I saw him, we spent three hours, as real friends, laughing, talking, forgiving and praying. Today, God explained it to me. The reason I am so alone in this world, estranged from family, friends and ministries, has been made clear. I am okay with it. It is the reason, behind every relationship struggle or relationship gone bad in my life.
There is a leader in every system. Family leaders are most often chosen by order of birth. Ministry leaders are usually chosen by . . . well the guy who built it is usually in charge and it is often a pastor. Businesses are the same. Within businesses and ministries, when the next pastor or CEO is put in place there is a window of opportunity for a change in the way the system operates. This can happen in families too, but because of generational sin, training that begins at birth and other reasons, they often never change.
The operating systems are often built on fear. Fear of losing what they have or imagine they have or losing the chance to get what they want. Some of those fears are loss of title, loss of control, loss of reputation, etc. etc. For instance in my family, there is a fear of "loss of control" If you step outside of the lines of the required behavior/submission, you will be punished. The black sheep is usually the one who says "I am not living under this operating system." There are unspoken rules that are instated in families that some cannot live by - don't talk about it, don't tell, act like nothing happened, are seriously messed up rules, and they can also be as minor as don't move away, you must work for the family, etc. When you say you can't or won't live under these ridiculous, one person honoring, rules, leaders get scared and they get pissed off!. I believe exposure is the biggest reason for the fear. Exposure of who they really are threatens their existence.
In the church there are titles, there are goals and even beliefs that your behavior must fall under or you will not survive there. They will word those rules so they sound biblical often using the word "honor" but what they don't explain is that you are honoring fear and whatever destiny that fear dictates. Those system requirements can be as damaging as "you must control the Holy Spirit" or as silly as you must praise the leadership team, never suggesting any change, even if it's good and never questioning anything they say or do. He is talking about the Church systems, but it can be applied to any operating system, and I absolutely love this quote by Don Nori Sr. "The people you need to trust are the people who have been through the fire with you. The issue is . . . and this is a difficult thing to find, because as soon as you feel like you have something to lose, you're finished. Your influence is over, the minute you have something to lose. So as long as you have something to lose, you can't help me. As long as you have an ulterior motive, a personal agenda, there's nothing you can do for me. But whenever you have nothing to lose, when you realize everything I have I got by being obedient to God, everything I have I got by responding to the Holy Spirit. I didn't lie, I didn't cheat, I didn't deceive, I didn't coerce, I didn't intimidate, everything I got by being obedient to God, therefore I have nothing to lose."
There is freedom. The arguments between Dave and me, were not personal. Our personal friendship was fine as long as we did not talk about the Church. He wanted me to fit under his ministry in my own little box built from his destiny and fear and I refused. Mostly I refused because the Holy Spirit instructed me to. What God has for me does not fit inside the lines of Dave's ministry. When he couldn't control me, I became a threat. Not even because of anything I did, but because of the differences in our belief systems.
I refuse to fit into the operating system of my family. I believe children are not safe in that system built out of fear. Appearance is much more important than safety, honesty, unconditional love, healthy relationships, respect, freedom and many other things I believe in. What makes me angry is that I do not expect my kids to live under that system, but they tend to believe family is more important than these things I have listed. Seriously I regret not pulling them out of that system a long time ago. My mentor always asks me, "What does healthy look like?" I always laugh, because I have no clue most of the time. I have never seen it.
I think the biggest fear operating systems are built under is exposure. Leaders who are not confident in who they are in Christ and how they are loved by Him, tend to allow their insecurities to rule their world and if they are in charge, well then their insecurities are ruling you if you choose to be under them. I refuse to belong in any system that operates from any unhealthy fear. If it isn't the fear of the Lord, I won't be under it.
I am in no way trying to dishonor Dave or his ministry. Dave has done some great things. What I believe has happened though is a change in direction. I feel like the Lord is saying the Church has been headed into a direction it is not called to. It's being led by pride, rebellion and religion, which all fall under FEAR. Even the whole "Left behind" tribulation, hell on earth, belief system is about fear and Jesus does not roll that way. He is coming for us, but He is coming when we are united, not when the earth is so ugly He can't stand to look at it. The whole trib/rapture story was designed by the enemy. You may say that can't be true, because people came to the Lord through that fear, but I believe it scared more away than came and it opened the door to religion, rebellion and pride.
So where does the Lord want the Church? Authentic inner healing/transformation. And it's not about the Church defining what that is. We need to facilitate it. Then allow Jesus to do the transforming. A huge church has members who can sneak in and sneak out unnoticed and unhealed. I had a friend who was homeless in his last years and snuck in and out of the local "mega" church. They believed loving him was defined by allowing him to come in late and sneak out early, give him coffee and no condemnation for his ways. He hung himself. I don't hold them responsible, but I just wonder if there was more they could do. Get him a job? Find him a place to live? Get him delivered from the strongholds that kept him prisoner?
When Jesus walked with the disciples, He taught them to heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead. Show me a church doing that. People don't know where to go for this kind of help. Why isn't the Church doing it? They are afraid of the Holy Spirit and they try to control Him. We are supposed to follow Him, not make Him fit into our operating system. You can't make God do anything. The insane (demon possessed) are walking the streets, and the Church does nothing. The other day I heard of a suicidal man being turned away from the local hospital because they were full. Are you kidding me? Where was the Church? How many local pastors or leaders would have volunteered to go get this guy, do a little deliverance and prayer and sit in his closet with him? Actually, it's not just the pastors and leaders who should do this, but they should have teams of people on call at all times. But the leadership I see is afraid. I had a pastor contact me about the demonic attacking him in the night. I shared what I knew and I offered to bring a team to his house, but he refused, because of what people would think. BTW he is dead now.
The Church is for the sick and it puts on a good show with "Come as you are" but the unwritten words that follow that statement are "stay as you are and honor us" They have their 12 step programs for addictions of all shapes and sizes, but what about deliverance. They pray for you when you are sick, but what about laying on hands and commanding that sickness to leave. They are dying and out of fear they don't go to those who know, who have been healing the sick and broken, but instead they have a huge prayer vigil that sounds more like a funeral than a healing.
I believe that Dave knows some things now that he couldn't see before and he supports anything I can share to open the eyes and ears of others. Many will not agree with me and many will get angry, but Dave made a choice and more than once the Lord showed me he would. I prayed against it, but fear won. So I have to ask, where was his faith? He looked good, appeared brave, knowing where he would go, but was his faith really in God? Did he believe the whole bible or just parts? He said he was a good candidate for healing, but did he really believe that or did he feel unworthy? I have to ask these questions, because he didn't go to the people he knew were having success in praying for cancer patients and getting them healed, but instead began to plan his own funeral. Literally! And with help from the pastors who are now in charge of the church, with their fears and insecurities.
But whoever dies first the other has to say good things. Pinky swear? - Dave
You ever have one of those nights when you are lying in bed thinking about your life and all you can say is "God!! DO SOMETHING!!" Nothing is how you planned it or how you want it. But it's not about you. You gave it to Him. You can't really take it back.
Well, this morning He started to do something. I have been listening to a series called The Prophetic Edge. There have been several "Aha" moments, but nothing like what He revealed today. It's one of those "I knew that, I just never had it spelled out in such a way" realizations. Otherwise known as "Duh" moments. My friend, Dave passed on the first of this month. No matter how hard we tried we would always end up arguing. I am very thankful the last time I saw him, we spent three hours, as real friends, laughing, talking, forgiving and praying. Today, God explained it to me. The reason I am so alone in this world, estranged from family, friends and ministries, has been made clear. I am okay with it. It is the reason, behind every relationship struggle or relationship gone bad in my life.
There is a leader in every system. Family leaders are most often chosen by order of birth. Ministry leaders are usually chosen by . . . well the guy who built it is usually in charge and it is often a pastor. Businesses are the same. Within businesses and ministries, when the next pastor or CEO is put in place there is a window of opportunity for a change in the way the system operates. This can happen in families too, but because of generational sin, training that begins at birth and other reasons, they often never change.
The operating systems are often built on fear. Fear of losing what they have or imagine they have or losing the chance to get what they want. Some of those fears are loss of title, loss of control, loss of reputation, etc. etc. For instance in my family, there is a fear of "loss of control" If you step outside of the lines of the required behavior/submission, you will be punished. The black sheep is usually the one who says "I am not living under this operating system." There are unspoken rules that are instated in families that some cannot live by - don't talk about it, don't tell, act like nothing happened, are seriously messed up rules, and they can also be as minor as don't move away, you must work for the family, etc. When you say you can't or won't live under these ridiculous, one person honoring, rules, leaders get scared and they get pissed off!. I believe exposure is the biggest reason for the fear. Exposure of who they really are threatens their existence.
In the church there are titles, there are goals and even beliefs that your behavior must fall under or you will not survive there. They will word those rules so they sound biblical often using the word "honor" but what they don't explain is that you are honoring fear and whatever destiny that fear dictates. Those system requirements can be as damaging as "you must control the Holy Spirit" or as silly as you must praise the leadership team, never suggesting any change, even if it's good and never questioning anything they say or do. He is talking about the Church systems, but it can be applied to any operating system, and I absolutely love this quote by Don Nori Sr. "The people you need to trust are the people who have been through the fire with you. The issue is . . . and this is a difficult thing to find, because as soon as you feel like you have something to lose, you're finished. Your influence is over, the minute you have something to lose. So as long as you have something to lose, you can't help me. As long as you have an ulterior motive, a personal agenda, there's nothing you can do for me. But whenever you have nothing to lose, when you realize everything I have I got by being obedient to God, everything I have I got by responding to the Holy Spirit. I didn't lie, I didn't cheat, I didn't deceive, I didn't coerce, I didn't intimidate, everything I got by being obedient to God, therefore I have nothing to lose."
There is freedom. The arguments between Dave and me, were not personal. Our personal friendship was fine as long as we did not talk about the Church. He wanted me to fit under his ministry in my own little box built from his destiny and fear and I refused. Mostly I refused because the Holy Spirit instructed me to. What God has for me does not fit inside the lines of Dave's ministry. When he couldn't control me, I became a threat. Not even because of anything I did, but because of the differences in our belief systems.
I refuse to fit into the operating system of my family. I believe children are not safe in that system built out of fear. Appearance is much more important than safety, honesty, unconditional love, healthy relationships, respect, freedom and many other things I believe in. What makes me angry is that I do not expect my kids to live under that system, but they tend to believe family is more important than these things I have listed. Seriously I regret not pulling them out of that system a long time ago. My mentor always asks me, "What does healthy look like?" I always laugh, because I have no clue most of the time. I have never seen it.
I think the biggest fear operating systems are built under is exposure. Leaders who are not confident in who they are in Christ and how they are loved by Him, tend to allow their insecurities to rule their world and if they are in charge, well then their insecurities are ruling you if you choose to be under them. I refuse to belong in any system that operates from any unhealthy fear. If it isn't the fear of the Lord, I won't be under it.
I am in no way trying to dishonor Dave or his ministry. Dave has done some great things. What I believe has happened though is a change in direction. I feel like the Lord is saying the Church has been headed into a direction it is not called to. It's being led by pride, rebellion and religion, which all fall under FEAR. Even the whole "Left behind" tribulation, hell on earth, belief system is about fear and Jesus does not roll that way. He is coming for us, but He is coming when we are united, not when the earth is so ugly He can't stand to look at it. The whole trib/rapture story was designed by the enemy. You may say that can't be true, because people came to the Lord through that fear, but I believe it scared more away than came and it opened the door to religion, rebellion and pride.
So where does the Lord want the Church? Authentic inner healing/transformation. And it's not about the Church defining what that is. We need to facilitate it. Then allow Jesus to do the transforming. A huge church has members who can sneak in and sneak out unnoticed and unhealed. I had a friend who was homeless in his last years and snuck in and out of the local "mega" church. They believed loving him was defined by allowing him to come in late and sneak out early, give him coffee and no condemnation for his ways. He hung himself. I don't hold them responsible, but I just wonder if there was more they could do. Get him a job? Find him a place to live? Get him delivered from the strongholds that kept him prisoner?
When Jesus walked with the disciples, He taught them to heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead. Show me a church doing that. People don't know where to go for this kind of help. Why isn't the Church doing it? They are afraid of the Holy Spirit and they try to control Him. We are supposed to follow Him, not make Him fit into our operating system. You can't make God do anything. The insane (demon possessed) are walking the streets, and the Church does nothing. The other day I heard of a suicidal man being turned away from the local hospital because they were full. Are you kidding me? Where was the Church? How many local pastors or leaders would have volunteered to go get this guy, do a little deliverance and prayer and sit in his closet with him? Actually, it's not just the pastors and leaders who should do this, but they should have teams of people on call at all times. But the leadership I see is afraid. I had a pastor contact me about the demonic attacking him in the night. I shared what I knew and I offered to bring a team to his house, but he refused, because of what people would think. BTW he is dead now.
The Church is for the sick and it puts on a good show with "Come as you are" but the unwritten words that follow that statement are "stay as you are and honor us" They have their 12 step programs for addictions of all shapes and sizes, but what about deliverance. They pray for you when you are sick, but what about laying on hands and commanding that sickness to leave. They are dying and out of fear they don't go to those who know, who have been healing the sick and broken, but instead they have a huge prayer vigil that sounds more like a funeral than a healing.
I believe that Dave knows some things now that he couldn't see before and he supports anything I can share to open the eyes and ears of others. Many will not agree with me and many will get angry, but Dave made a choice and more than once the Lord showed me he would. I prayed against it, but fear won. So I have to ask, where was his faith? He looked good, appeared brave, knowing where he would go, but was his faith really in God? Did he believe the whole bible or just parts? He said he was a good candidate for healing, but did he really believe that or did he feel unworthy? I have to ask these questions, because he didn't go to the people he knew were having success in praying for cancer patients and getting them healed, but instead began to plan his own funeral. Literally! And with help from the pastors who are now in charge of the church, with their fears and insecurities.
But whoever dies first the other has to say good things. Pinky swear? - Dave
Monday, April 17, 2017
It's Always Time To Die!
Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus Name, Amen. - A.W. Tozer
There is an argument I have with my closest friends quite often. Why I argue I am not sure, because I know they are right. Sometimes it feels like we are playing a game where all our shortcomings or sins, whatever you want to call them, are written on our foreheads and the whole world can see them, but us. I know I don't see my things that drive others crazy. I want to. I ask God. Show me what needs to go, because I want to be everything I can be for Him, but I have to die to me to make that room for Him. It's a process, I have gone after hard, but not sure I am getting anywhere any faster than anyone else.
My argument is, what kind of friend am I if I don't tell them what is on their forehead? I can see it as plain as day. I see how it hurts them every day. I can see the foolishness when they act like they have it all together, but we all see the list. They don't fool us into believing it's not there. Why don't we tell them?
A while back a friend and I were discussing one of my issues. I honestly don't remember what it was, but I remember a light when on in his eye and I thought "Yes, He is going to tell me in a way I will get it." But instead he said he was going to wait for God to tell me. Seriously? God can scream at me and I don't hear Him. But my friend said it always sticks in the heart better if it is God who tells us. Well, I got it from God that afternoon and couldn't wait to tell my friend that God had let me in on their little secret about me. He was happy to tears for me. I have to admit, I questioned if I wouldn't have got it just as well had he told me. I think its more about the relationship building it does with us and Christ when He reveals our brokenness through love.
It's just so hard to watch someone drowning and refuse to let go of the boulder. Now, around me I have many who are dying physical deaths and I want so badly to take their boulders and give them Jesus, but they are clinging. I hate to be the one to say it but a couple are so sure they will be healed and/or they can live for years with this cancer. People don't live with this kind of cancer very long. That's in the natural. They are so sure they are right they will cling on to those boulders believing . . . ? People close to them, who believe in healing, don't believe it will happen because they see the boulders too. Yet, they encourage and I just don't think it's right to encourage without truth. They wouldn't hear me though.
The difference in those facing the same fate is incredible and I may not be seeing it, but the Lord gave me Jim. Jim prays he got everything done the Father wanted, but he is ready to go talk to Him about it. Those fighting to stay, believing it is not their time, believing for healing, may say they are ready to go, but I see the fear. They talk about how great God is and how much they believe, but there is something missing in their faith. There is something that says, but what if . . . ??
I got a word from the Lord last night that this is a time of training. These relationships, this cancer, the fighting, the resigning, the battle is all in front of me to learn. To learn what? I don't want to get to the end and wonder if God will heal me of the disease the enemy inflicted on me. I want to know that if the enemy has a right to inflict me, if he has authority in my life to give me a disease, to infect me with cancer, I want to know like I know right now that I most likely left a door open to him. I have seen this so many times and I don't want to stop believing because it is me. Most cancer is from bitterness. The sad part is I see it. I see the bitterness in these people. I see it propping the door open to the enemy. They talk about things and pretty soon you hear it in their voice and they show their anger. One talks about guns or this country and his voice gets louder and you hear the bitterness. One talks about a woman from years ago and the anger comes. One talks about people who have left him. He is so focused on what others did to him when right now would be a better than perfect time to be looking at what he has done to others and ask God, not trust his own gauges of guilt. He hasn't seen it. We don't see it and if we don't one day we will be looking at death and wishing we could hear Him now. When death is knocking at the door and you have no choice . . . if you don't open the door he will break it down because he has the right . . . it's time to read the writing on the wall, quickly. Your friends have already kept it from you. You need a word from God on where to hear truth.
I had a vision about one of these people months and months ago. Jesus flew me to his house and there was a poorly made rocking horse in the front yard. I knew something was off and sure enough realized it was full of demons. They were sneaking into his house in the Trojan rocking horse. I wrapped chains around that horse and locked them all inside the horse so they could not escape and make his life more miserable. Then the Lord showed me how He had written all over the cabinets and walls inside. It was of an ink only this man would be able to see. Now I see they are little mirrors so he can see what is written on his forehead.
Ironic, most of my life I have wanted to go to be with Jesus and yet He says I have much to do here. These men get to go home and only one has his robes on and is standing at the door. The others fight to stay. God has proven time and time again, we don't need them. It doesn't matter who dies, we go on without them. If there was more they could do for God and His plan, surely He would keep them here. Maybe that's the key? Are they doing for God or are they doing for self? If you don't die to self how much on His list can you get done anyway?
Evangelical repentance is repentance of sin as sin: not of this sin nor of that, but of the whole mass. We repent of the sin of our nature as well as the sin of our practice. We bemoan sin within us and without us. We repent of sin itself as being an insult to God. Anything short of this is a mere surface repentance, and not a repentance which reaches to the bottom of the mischief. Repentance of the evil act, and not of the evil heart, is like men pumping water out of a leaky vessel, but forgetting to stop the leak. Some would dam up the stream, but leave the fountain still flowing; they would remove the eruption from the skin, but leave the disease in the flesh. -- Charles H Spurgeon
There is an argument I have with my closest friends quite often. Why I argue I am not sure, because I know they are right. Sometimes it feels like we are playing a game where all our shortcomings or sins, whatever you want to call them, are written on our foreheads and the whole world can see them, but us. I know I don't see my things that drive others crazy. I want to. I ask God. Show me what needs to go, because I want to be everything I can be for Him, but I have to die to me to make that room for Him. It's a process, I have gone after hard, but not sure I am getting anywhere any faster than anyone else.
My argument is, what kind of friend am I if I don't tell them what is on their forehead? I can see it as plain as day. I see how it hurts them every day. I can see the foolishness when they act like they have it all together, but we all see the list. They don't fool us into believing it's not there. Why don't we tell them?
A while back a friend and I were discussing one of my issues. I honestly don't remember what it was, but I remember a light when on in his eye and I thought "Yes, He is going to tell me in a way I will get it." But instead he said he was going to wait for God to tell me. Seriously? God can scream at me and I don't hear Him. But my friend said it always sticks in the heart better if it is God who tells us. Well, I got it from God that afternoon and couldn't wait to tell my friend that God had let me in on their little secret about me. He was happy to tears for me. I have to admit, I questioned if I wouldn't have got it just as well had he told me. I think its more about the relationship building it does with us and Christ when He reveals our brokenness through love.
It's just so hard to watch someone drowning and refuse to let go of the boulder. Now, around me I have many who are dying physical deaths and I want so badly to take their boulders and give them Jesus, but they are clinging. I hate to be the one to say it but a couple are so sure they will be healed and/or they can live for years with this cancer. People don't live with this kind of cancer very long. That's in the natural. They are so sure they are right they will cling on to those boulders believing . . . ? People close to them, who believe in healing, don't believe it will happen because they see the boulders too. Yet, they encourage and I just don't think it's right to encourage without truth. They wouldn't hear me though.
The difference in those facing the same fate is incredible and I may not be seeing it, but the Lord gave me Jim. Jim prays he got everything done the Father wanted, but he is ready to go talk to Him about it. Those fighting to stay, believing it is not their time, believing for healing, may say they are ready to go, but I see the fear. They talk about how great God is and how much they believe, but there is something missing in their faith. There is something that says, but what if . . . ??
I got a word from the Lord last night that this is a time of training. These relationships, this cancer, the fighting, the resigning, the battle is all in front of me to learn. To learn what? I don't want to get to the end and wonder if God will heal me of the disease the enemy inflicted on me. I want to know that if the enemy has a right to inflict me, if he has authority in my life to give me a disease, to infect me with cancer, I want to know like I know right now that I most likely left a door open to him. I have seen this so many times and I don't want to stop believing because it is me. Most cancer is from bitterness. The sad part is I see it. I see the bitterness in these people. I see it propping the door open to the enemy. They talk about things and pretty soon you hear it in their voice and they show their anger. One talks about guns or this country and his voice gets louder and you hear the bitterness. One talks about a woman from years ago and the anger comes. One talks about people who have left him. He is so focused on what others did to him when right now would be a better than perfect time to be looking at what he has done to others and ask God, not trust his own gauges of guilt. He hasn't seen it. We don't see it and if we don't one day we will be looking at death and wishing we could hear Him now. When death is knocking at the door and you have no choice . . . if you don't open the door he will break it down because he has the right . . . it's time to read the writing on the wall, quickly. Your friends have already kept it from you. You need a word from God on where to hear truth.
I had a vision about one of these people months and months ago. Jesus flew me to his house and there was a poorly made rocking horse in the front yard. I knew something was off and sure enough realized it was full of demons. They were sneaking into his house in the Trojan rocking horse. I wrapped chains around that horse and locked them all inside the horse so they could not escape and make his life more miserable. Then the Lord showed me how He had written all over the cabinets and walls inside. It was of an ink only this man would be able to see. Now I see they are little mirrors so he can see what is written on his forehead.
Ironic, most of my life I have wanted to go to be with Jesus and yet He says I have much to do here. These men get to go home and only one has his robes on and is standing at the door. The others fight to stay. God has proven time and time again, we don't need them. It doesn't matter who dies, we go on without them. If there was more they could do for God and His plan, surely He would keep them here. Maybe that's the key? Are they doing for God or are they doing for self? If you don't die to self how much on His list can you get done anyway?
Evangelical repentance is repentance of sin as sin: not of this sin nor of that, but of the whole mass. We repent of the sin of our nature as well as the sin of our practice. We bemoan sin within us and without us. We repent of sin itself as being an insult to God. Anything short of this is a mere surface repentance, and not a repentance which reaches to the bottom of the mischief. Repentance of the evil act, and not of the evil heart, is like men pumping water out of a leaky vessel, but forgetting to stop the leak. Some would dam up the stream, but leave the fountain still flowing; they would remove the eruption from the skin, but leave the disease in the flesh. -- Charles H Spurgeon
Monday, April 10, 2017
This is Your Brain on . . .
“There's no reason to have a plan B (mine) because it distracts from plan A (God's).”
― Will Smith
This quote cracks me up. Especially after the words that struck me this morning. I got home late last night and decided to watch Dave's sermon on line. Something struck me but I wasn't sure what is was. I watched enough of the sermon this morning to understand. He was talking about baptism. I realized baptism is one of the few things we agree on. Only water baptism though. He was talking about it being symbolic of dying, being buried and being resurrected. He began to give a list of things we need to die to; bitterness, pride, whatever else. I heard each thing and it made sense, but this morning when he choked up so did I. My plans. That's a tough one. Die to my plans.
Especially in this country, people are urged to plan and if you don't you are irresponsible. You plan for a career, you plan for college, you plan for children, marriage, retirement, etc. Then we find Jesus and we open the passenger door for Him to get in and ride along with us through our plans. He even lets us believe our plan is okay, for a little while. Then one day if you truly pursue Him with all your heart and you obey and you listen, it happens, a tug of war on the best laid plans. I know women who have planned for their wedding their whole life. Last night I went to a wedding that was planned out by God. Holy Spirit was the guest of Honor. It was absolutely amazing. Are we willing to let Him do that much of the planning?
God ultimately holds the plans. We can go to school for twelve years to be a surgeon and He can take our hands. Or allow our hands to be taken. Now what? We can plan all our lives to have a big family and then find the spouse of our dreams can't have children. NOT what we had planned.
Lately with friends the topic has been what is okay with one of us, may not be with another. Maybe my friend can watch a show, that I feel convicted if I watch. Maybe she can have a beer, but I am not comfortable. Why? Is there no black and white with God? Maybe it's my call. Maybe it's her weakness. Maybe it's his brokenness and a freedom he hasn't found yet? I seem to live by stricter standards and some days I get angry about it. Why can't I do what the other kids can do?
It's funny because in a couple months it will be 6 years since I first talked to Dave. We have been through a lot. We are a lot alike. God has allowed the enemy to attack both of our brains and I can't help but wonder if there is meaning there. I have my dead cells from the stroke and he has a tumor. He always has to "one up" me. When he repeats himself, I laugh because I get it and I do it and then I say a prayer for him.
There is a movie about the prophet Jeremiah. Patrick Dempsey plays Jeremiah. He and the king argued a lot like Dave and I and at one time the movie helped me understand what was happening between us. There is one scene where Jeremiah grabs the prison bars and shakes the door, yelling, "GOD!! GOD!!" Man, I identified with that scene. I am sure Dave does now. The prophet is always trying to get a stubborn king to change from his plans to God's plans.
I plan nothing without the Lord. Some would say I take it too far, but I don't think so. It's more of a "I'm moving through the day this way. Stop me God, if there is something else you want me to do." Often He does. Often He changes the whole day. Other times He changes nothing. When you have been planning your whole life and then suddenly you have a death threat, you spend a lot of time being still with your mouth hanging open and no words. It's being forced to change plans and it sucks, until we realize it is God and it is best and it is right, but it can still suck.
If it was easy, everybody would be doing it. - Dave
― Will Smith
This quote cracks me up. Especially after the words that struck me this morning. I got home late last night and decided to watch Dave's sermon on line. Something struck me but I wasn't sure what is was. I watched enough of the sermon this morning to understand. He was talking about baptism. I realized baptism is one of the few things we agree on. Only water baptism though. He was talking about it being symbolic of dying, being buried and being resurrected. He began to give a list of things we need to die to; bitterness, pride, whatever else. I heard each thing and it made sense, but this morning when he choked up so did I. My plans. That's a tough one. Die to my plans.
Especially in this country, people are urged to plan and if you don't you are irresponsible. You plan for a career, you plan for college, you plan for children, marriage, retirement, etc. Then we find Jesus and we open the passenger door for Him to get in and ride along with us through our plans. He even lets us believe our plan is okay, for a little while. Then one day if you truly pursue Him with all your heart and you obey and you listen, it happens, a tug of war on the best laid plans. I know women who have planned for their wedding their whole life. Last night I went to a wedding that was planned out by God. Holy Spirit was the guest of Honor. It was absolutely amazing. Are we willing to let Him do that much of the planning?
God ultimately holds the plans. We can go to school for twelve years to be a surgeon and He can take our hands. Or allow our hands to be taken. Now what? We can plan all our lives to have a big family and then find the spouse of our dreams can't have children. NOT what we had planned.
Lately with friends the topic has been what is okay with one of us, may not be with another. Maybe my friend can watch a show, that I feel convicted if I watch. Maybe she can have a beer, but I am not comfortable. Why? Is there no black and white with God? Maybe it's my call. Maybe it's her weakness. Maybe it's his brokenness and a freedom he hasn't found yet? I seem to live by stricter standards and some days I get angry about it. Why can't I do what the other kids can do?
It's funny because in a couple months it will be 6 years since I first talked to Dave. We have been through a lot. We are a lot alike. God has allowed the enemy to attack both of our brains and I can't help but wonder if there is meaning there. I have my dead cells from the stroke and he has a tumor. He always has to "one up" me. When he repeats himself, I laugh because I get it and I do it and then I say a prayer for him.
There is a movie about the prophet Jeremiah. Patrick Dempsey plays Jeremiah. He and the king argued a lot like Dave and I and at one time the movie helped me understand what was happening between us. There is one scene where Jeremiah grabs the prison bars and shakes the door, yelling, "GOD!! GOD!!" Man, I identified with that scene. I am sure Dave does now. The prophet is always trying to get a stubborn king to change from his plans to God's plans.
I plan nothing without the Lord. Some would say I take it too far, but I don't think so. It's more of a "I'm moving through the day this way. Stop me God, if there is something else you want me to do." Often He does. Often He changes the whole day. Other times He changes nothing. When you have been planning your whole life and then suddenly you have a death threat, you spend a lot of time being still with your mouth hanging open and no words. It's being forced to change plans and it sucks, until we realize it is God and it is best and it is right, but it can still suck.
If it was easy, everybody would be doing it. - Dave
Friday, April 7, 2017
Me is a small part of Messiah
“Jesus calls us to his rest, and meekness is His method. The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort.”
― A.W. Tozer, Pursuit of God
One of my favorite things to do in my time with God, is listen. I'm not talking about throwing out to Him all my concerns and waiting for Him to explain Himself. What I am talking about is sitting quiet with Him and giving Him the floor. Maybe I will start with "Good Morning, Jesus" but that is it. Often times, after a few seconds He will ask a question or make a statement that is so far from anything I have been thinking about, that I have no doubt it is Him. Sometimes He talks about me. Sometimes He talks about Him. Sometimes He talks about others, usually my relationship with them. And other times He talks about life, the Church or the world in general. More often than not lately His words are about listening to others. It's not about my ability to listen, but more about what people are talking about. Most of them are talking about the same thing whether they are believers, non-believers, young, old, whatever, their subject is always about them.
A couple years ago I began following a retired pastor on FB, "Jim". Every day he poured out wisdom from his morning time with Jesus, or a lifetime with God, I am not sure where he got all of his wisdom and revelation. In July of 2015 I got brave enough and asked him to be friends. Not that I felt worthy, but because I didn't want to miss a thing he had to say. Then he figured out how to make and post videos and that made him a real person, not just amazing words on a page. He was and is so humble. He talked mostly about what he was realizing about who God is, mistaken beliefs he had over the years. It was refreshing.
One day "Jim" dropped a bomb shell. He was living in New York, but was going to be moving to Florida to live with his daughter. Of all the months I had followed him, not once had I read anything about him having cancer. And now it was serious enough that he wasn't able to take care of himself. I cried. I have never met this man, but he was such a humble mentor. He did not need my pat on the back or my silly little compliments, all he needs is the Father and I was thankful he allowed us to see into their relationship. There was a time his daughter got on line and posted for him and I thought it was the end, but he bounced back and I was selfishly happy for the additional time I had to watch, read, and follow him, instead of "Jim" joining Jesus.
The Lord led me to Jim. He is a good example of the humility God wants in us. But when you find someone like Jim, others start to stand out too. This is where God has me listening to others. I can't count the times I have picked up the phone and listened to a "friend" talk about everything thing in their life, ask me to pray for them, and then have to hang up, because somebody else is calling. Not once do they ask about me or mine. It's making me very sad. Not that I need the attention, but that I question if this is how they talk . . . talk AT everyone. Isn't FB enough talking about self? My friend who has had cancer in his throat, prostate and now lymph glands rarely talks about how he feels. I have to drag it out of him. I have to insist that I am a friend and that's what friends do, they listen. He will admit he is tired, he will admit his fears, and he will ask for a little help, but he really focuses on the positive. He is a humble man.
Facing death brings out who we really are. I admit I am not one who likes to face my mistakes or my shortcomings. I don't set aside days to ask the Lord if there is anyone I owe an apology to. I forgive often, but I fall short when it comes to asking for forgiveness. When I had a stroke a little over a year ago, before they came with the results of the MRI I pulled a friend aside and asked him "If this turns out bad, please get ??? in here so I can make things right." Facing death exposes the truth about who a person really is.
I see so many people stuck in the "Look at me" stage of life. I remember at about 3 or 4 realizing that my parents were my sisters parents too. And as my world revolved around me hers revolved around her. Then as I got older there was the "I live on a stage" period of life. I see many stuck there. That's where old men drive down the road playing music from their past, nodding, winking and giving a little wave like they are the coolest of the cool and you wonder if they ever were. They live on a stage they should have stepped off of at least by 16. You can see it in people, those who live every day like their life is a movie.
When following Christ, if our lives and hearts have truly been given completely to Him, there should be a maturity that happens. There should be a change in who we are that we can't help. We should be teachable. There should be no bible topic we fear, because "I don't know" is an answer. We should never have unquestioned, uncritical agreement and allegiance to a human leader. If they don't allow us to question, we should run. I watch the Lord try to get a person's attention over and over and they don't see it, because they are stuck on what they need. They are stuck on being in "the popular" crowd. So many have no idea how to "be real" to get in touch with who they really are, because of their fear of man, need to please man, they have become actors. They don't know who they are.
Why does God allow horrible things to happen to us? Cancer? As I am watching my friend and pastor Jim become more and more aware of how weak they are and how big God is, I have to listen to them. I don't want to miss anything. There has to be a reason God allows the suffering and I wonder if it is because it is making these two look hard at their lives and humbling them. On the other hand another friend is playing it out like a star. no I don't mean I am impressed, quite the opposite. It's like he is waving to the crowd in a parade. I don't hear anything about Jesus and what He is doing. I know what is going on behind the scenes is not pretty. See, I believe God allows trials, traumas, to expose the truth about who we are. My friend told me the other day that when he spilled his mouth wash that morning, it launched him into a rage he hadn't seen in a while. It was like he was making a confession to his priest. He said there was a string of Mother F_ _ _ _ _ s that came out of his mouth and then when he saw the candle he lights during his Higher Power time he said "F You" to his candle. He looked at me sheepishly and said, "God probably didn't like that." All I could say, "God has big shoulders. I have said the same things and worse and He still talks to me." I was so glad to hear he was letting it out and I told him.
One thing that drives me nuts, is when the person we pretend to be is so different from who we really are. The people I spend the most of my time with are the ones who are the same whether we are in a crowd or it's just the two of us talking. The bigger the difference in who they are alone or with people, the less of my time they get.
I have spent the last couple months in a fog. I feel like I am standing on a busy street corner and people are moving every which way around me, bumping into me and not even noticing I am there or for that matter, they aren't seeing anyone else. Everyone is fighting this survival battle. Everybody is alone. The world keeps going around. Nobody is hearing anyone else. Nobody is seeing anyone else. I am praying for the dying. I am praying for the babies. I am praying for the left behind. I am praying for the ministries. I am praying for finances. I am praying and praying and I see no change. How do we unite these broken vessels of loneliness? I feel like a bomb has gone off and all I have is a handful of bandages and a couple bottles of water. Then it hits me. There is only one prayer that fits it all. Lord, rip the veils from their eyes and ears that they may know your will and it is done. Give them their daily bread of wisdom and revelation that they may align themselves with you. Wash them in your blood and cover them with mercy and grace. Then God shows up!
Two days ago Pastor Jim's daughter posted that they had moved him into hospice and he was settling in nicely. The nurses love him and he is in no pain. Pray, but let him go. A few hours later Jim himself posts. He wasn't talking about his pain, or the cancer or how he was doing, no he was giving a praise report. He told of how God gave the address of where he was in the hospice house to a couple guys from another state who stopped by and he (Jim) was able to pray for them and pass on his mantle. He was so excited about what God is doing, never once getting stuck in his own stuff. I love that. Jim is not the hero, but to his very last breath he is pointing to the one true God. Never once since I have followed him has he said look at me. Every day, in everything he does, he points and says "Look at Jesus".
"This will blow your mind people really!" - Pastor Jim's last post starts out with these words about Jesus.
― A.W. Tozer, Pursuit of God
One of my favorite things to do in my time with God, is listen. I'm not talking about throwing out to Him all my concerns and waiting for Him to explain Himself. What I am talking about is sitting quiet with Him and giving Him the floor. Maybe I will start with "Good Morning, Jesus" but that is it. Often times, after a few seconds He will ask a question or make a statement that is so far from anything I have been thinking about, that I have no doubt it is Him. Sometimes He talks about me. Sometimes He talks about Him. Sometimes He talks about others, usually my relationship with them. And other times He talks about life, the Church or the world in general. More often than not lately His words are about listening to others. It's not about my ability to listen, but more about what people are talking about. Most of them are talking about the same thing whether they are believers, non-believers, young, old, whatever, their subject is always about them.
A couple years ago I began following a retired pastor on FB, "Jim". Every day he poured out wisdom from his morning time with Jesus, or a lifetime with God, I am not sure where he got all of his wisdom and revelation. In July of 2015 I got brave enough and asked him to be friends. Not that I felt worthy, but because I didn't want to miss a thing he had to say. Then he figured out how to make and post videos and that made him a real person, not just amazing words on a page. He was and is so humble. He talked mostly about what he was realizing about who God is, mistaken beliefs he had over the years. It was refreshing.
One day "Jim" dropped a bomb shell. He was living in New York, but was going to be moving to Florida to live with his daughter. Of all the months I had followed him, not once had I read anything about him having cancer. And now it was serious enough that he wasn't able to take care of himself. I cried. I have never met this man, but he was such a humble mentor. He did not need my pat on the back or my silly little compliments, all he needs is the Father and I was thankful he allowed us to see into their relationship. There was a time his daughter got on line and posted for him and I thought it was the end, but he bounced back and I was selfishly happy for the additional time I had to watch, read, and follow him, instead of "Jim" joining Jesus.
The Lord led me to Jim. He is a good example of the humility God wants in us. But when you find someone like Jim, others start to stand out too. This is where God has me listening to others. I can't count the times I have picked up the phone and listened to a "friend" talk about everything thing in their life, ask me to pray for them, and then have to hang up, because somebody else is calling. Not once do they ask about me or mine. It's making me very sad. Not that I need the attention, but that I question if this is how they talk . . . talk AT everyone. Isn't FB enough talking about self? My friend who has had cancer in his throat, prostate and now lymph glands rarely talks about how he feels. I have to drag it out of him. I have to insist that I am a friend and that's what friends do, they listen. He will admit he is tired, he will admit his fears, and he will ask for a little help, but he really focuses on the positive. He is a humble man.
Facing death brings out who we really are. I admit I am not one who likes to face my mistakes or my shortcomings. I don't set aside days to ask the Lord if there is anyone I owe an apology to. I forgive often, but I fall short when it comes to asking for forgiveness. When I had a stroke a little over a year ago, before they came with the results of the MRI I pulled a friend aside and asked him "If this turns out bad, please get ??? in here so I can make things right." Facing death exposes the truth about who a person really is.
I see so many people stuck in the "Look at me" stage of life. I remember at about 3 or 4 realizing that my parents were my sisters parents too. And as my world revolved around me hers revolved around her. Then as I got older there was the "I live on a stage" period of life. I see many stuck there. That's where old men drive down the road playing music from their past, nodding, winking and giving a little wave like they are the coolest of the cool and you wonder if they ever were. They live on a stage they should have stepped off of at least by 16. You can see it in people, those who live every day like their life is a movie.
When following Christ, if our lives and hearts have truly been given completely to Him, there should be a maturity that happens. There should be a change in who we are that we can't help. We should be teachable. There should be no bible topic we fear, because "I don't know" is an answer. We should never have unquestioned, uncritical agreement and allegiance to a human leader. If they don't allow us to question, we should run. I watch the Lord try to get a person's attention over and over and they don't see it, because they are stuck on what they need. They are stuck on being in "the popular" crowd. So many have no idea how to "be real" to get in touch with who they really are, because of their fear of man, need to please man, they have become actors. They don't know who they are.
Why does God allow horrible things to happen to us? Cancer? As I am watching my friend and pastor Jim become more and more aware of how weak they are and how big God is, I have to listen to them. I don't want to miss anything. There has to be a reason God allows the suffering and I wonder if it is because it is making these two look hard at their lives and humbling them. On the other hand another friend is playing it out like a star. no I don't mean I am impressed, quite the opposite. It's like he is waving to the crowd in a parade. I don't hear anything about Jesus and what He is doing. I know what is going on behind the scenes is not pretty. See, I believe God allows trials, traumas, to expose the truth about who we are. My friend told me the other day that when he spilled his mouth wash that morning, it launched him into a rage he hadn't seen in a while. It was like he was making a confession to his priest. He said there was a string of Mother F_ _ _ _ _ s that came out of his mouth and then when he saw the candle he lights during his Higher Power time he said "F You" to his candle. He looked at me sheepishly and said, "God probably didn't like that." All I could say, "God has big shoulders. I have said the same things and worse and He still talks to me." I was so glad to hear he was letting it out and I told him.
One thing that drives me nuts, is when the person we pretend to be is so different from who we really are. The people I spend the most of my time with are the ones who are the same whether we are in a crowd or it's just the two of us talking. The bigger the difference in who they are alone or with people, the less of my time they get.
I have spent the last couple months in a fog. I feel like I am standing on a busy street corner and people are moving every which way around me, bumping into me and not even noticing I am there or for that matter, they aren't seeing anyone else. Everyone is fighting this survival battle. Everybody is alone. The world keeps going around. Nobody is hearing anyone else. Nobody is seeing anyone else. I am praying for the dying. I am praying for the babies. I am praying for the left behind. I am praying for the ministries. I am praying for finances. I am praying and praying and I see no change. How do we unite these broken vessels of loneliness? I feel like a bomb has gone off and all I have is a handful of bandages and a couple bottles of water. Then it hits me. There is only one prayer that fits it all. Lord, rip the veils from their eyes and ears that they may know your will and it is done. Give them their daily bread of wisdom and revelation that they may align themselves with you. Wash them in your blood and cover them with mercy and grace. Then God shows up!
Two days ago Pastor Jim's daughter posted that they had moved him into hospice and he was settling in nicely. The nurses love him and he is in no pain. Pray, but let him go. A few hours later Jim himself posts. He wasn't talking about his pain, or the cancer or how he was doing, no he was giving a praise report. He told of how God gave the address of where he was in the hospice house to a couple guys from another state who stopped by and he (Jim) was able to pray for them and pass on his mantle. He was so excited about what God is doing, never once getting stuck in his own stuff. I love that. Jim is not the hero, but to his very last breath he is pointing to the one true God. Never once since I have followed him has he said look at me. Every day, in everything he does, he points and says "Look at Jesus".
"This will blow your mind people really!" - Pastor Jim's last post starts out with these words about Jesus.
Monday, March 27, 2017
My Hippie Artist Friend
“There are no 'if's' in God's world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety - let us pray that we may always know it!”
― Corrie ten Boom
Yesterday, cancer kicked my ass and I don't even have it. I feel guilty because a very good friend of mine is really struggling with the whole God thing while her husband is in pain, being eaten alive by cancer cells. I should be there, sitting beside her. I was when her brother was murdered years ago. It didn't matter if it was the middle of the night or the middle of the work day, I was there for her. Now my hands are so full. At least they feel that way. I pray. That is all I can do. I listen to how He wants me to pray and I pray. That's all I can do.
As I was having this awesome day with God two days ago, I didn't know everything that was happening. The Lord spoke to me with a message for a couple friends and it was amazing. I had lunch with a new friend and I had dreams interpreted and lots of confirmations. I was feeling so good, especially about me and God. I love those days where you hear clearly and many answers come, but I think those ice cream cone from heaven days are from God, because He knows the next day you will be required to eat spinach, liver, and sardines.
I woke up Sunday morning with the glow of God's presence still on me when I got a text from my friend who has been clean for over 20 years and he asked how I was doing and informed me he woke with a Johnny Cash song on his mind, Sunday Morning Coming Down. I answered his text with the song I woke up with " Nothing but the Blood " on my heart. Then he dropped the bomb: Of the three lymph glands they tested, two showed cancer. I can't even write this without tears. We have been fighting for a year and a half, throat, then prostate and now . . . and now the worst. I am so tired and I am so pissed off at Satan for his pride. I spent most of the day in bed, in tears, feeling beat up. Cancer is kicking my ass and I don't even have it.
It is frustrating to watch the different battles and how they are playing out. We prayed for a guy a couple weeks ago and he passed away. I see one fighting with hundreds of people supporting him, because they have made him their God instead of the real one. I can say that because at one time I did the same with him. Now he is just one of my friends and was very important at one time, but if people don't put him in the right place, under God, just a pastor, the Lord will take him. He told me that years ago when I was putting him before God, God said, "Don't make me take him out of your life, because I will." He has. I learned. Too late. Now it looks like we will not have time to be friends like we once were. I love him and he saved my life. I would give him a kidney if that's what it took to keep him alive, but God made it a brain tumor, cause you can't give away your brain and who would want it? Ha.
Then there is my friend sitting with her husband. I should be there. I can't take it. I know her family is nonexistent and that makes me feel worse. I don't know how she is managing, but if yelling at me about our God helps, I am okay with that.
Then there is my friend that the Lord instructed me to give whatever he needs and I have been and would have even without instruction. He is amazing. A few times I have sensed anger. A few times we have sat in silence hurting alone together. He tries to cheer me up and rips my heart out. I do not want to lose one of these people, but I would give up their friendship to save their lives, I would walk away forever if it meant they lived. Then I have to look at the bigger picture. What is God doing and not doing and why?
From what I have learned about healing, I would be on my face asking God who I needed to go to and ask forgiveness from. I bet the list would surprise me and maybe now would be a good time to start - before the disease of bitterness. I hate cancer and that just may be where my bitterness lies.
So yesterday, I spent the day listening to his song. Today, I am fighting for all of them again, through prayer.
― Corrie ten Boom
Yesterday, cancer kicked my ass and I don't even have it. I feel guilty because a very good friend of mine is really struggling with the whole God thing while her husband is in pain, being eaten alive by cancer cells. I should be there, sitting beside her. I was when her brother was murdered years ago. It didn't matter if it was the middle of the night or the middle of the work day, I was there for her. Now my hands are so full. At least they feel that way. I pray. That is all I can do. I listen to how He wants me to pray and I pray. That's all I can do.
As I was having this awesome day with God two days ago, I didn't know everything that was happening. The Lord spoke to me with a message for a couple friends and it was amazing. I had lunch with a new friend and I had dreams interpreted and lots of confirmations. I was feeling so good, especially about me and God. I love those days where you hear clearly and many answers come, but I think those ice cream cone from heaven days are from God, because He knows the next day you will be required to eat spinach, liver, and sardines.
I woke up Sunday morning with the glow of God's presence still on me when I got a text from my friend who has been clean for over 20 years and he asked how I was doing and informed me he woke with a Johnny Cash song on his mind, Sunday Morning Coming Down. I answered his text with the song I woke up with " Nothing but the Blood " on my heart. Then he dropped the bomb: Of the three lymph glands they tested, two showed cancer. I can't even write this without tears. We have been fighting for a year and a half, throat, then prostate and now . . . and now the worst. I am so tired and I am so pissed off at Satan for his pride. I spent most of the day in bed, in tears, feeling beat up. Cancer is kicking my ass and I don't even have it.
It is frustrating to watch the different battles and how they are playing out. We prayed for a guy a couple weeks ago and he passed away. I see one fighting with hundreds of people supporting him, because they have made him their God instead of the real one. I can say that because at one time I did the same with him. Now he is just one of my friends and was very important at one time, but if people don't put him in the right place, under God, just a pastor, the Lord will take him. He told me that years ago when I was putting him before God, God said, "Don't make me take him out of your life, because I will." He has. I learned. Too late. Now it looks like we will not have time to be friends like we once were. I love him and he saved my life. I would give him a kidney if that's what it took to keep him alive, but God made it a brain tumor, cause you can't give away your brain and who would want it? Ha.
Then there is my friend sitting with her husband. I should be there. I can't take it. I know her family is nonexistent and that makes me feel worse. I don't know how she is managing, but if yelling at me about our God helps, I am okay with that.
Then there is my friend that the Lord instructed me to give whatever he needs and I have been and would have even without instruction. He is amazing. A few times I have sensed anger. A few times we have sat in silence hurting alone together. He tries to cheer me up and rips my heart out. I do not want to lose one of these people, but I would give up their friendship to save their lives, I would walk away forever if it meant they lived. Then I have to look at the bigger picture. What is God doing and not doing and why?
From what I have learned about healing, I would be on my face asking God who I needed to go to and ask forgiveness from. I bet the list would surprise me and maybe now would be a good time to start - before the disease of bitterness. I hate cancer and that just may be where my bitterness lies.
So yesterday, I spent the day listening to his song. Today, I am fighting for all of them again, through prayer.
And the one that reminds me of him.
Friday, March 24, 2017
Somebody Teach!!
“Our actions and attitudes in the chronos times of preparing, sowing, believing and persevering are what determine whether God can shift us into the kairos times of fresh and strategic opportunities.”
― Dutch Sheets, God's Timing for Your Life
Some days I am just stunned. Being teachable is a big thing. Knowing what you need to learn is another. Let's take prayer for instance. I have yet to go to a church that teaches how to pray. There must be something to learn or the Bible wouldn't give instruction. I remember hearing a man I know said that a friend of mine was praying just to be seen. It cracked me up, because I know her. When she starts praying the Holy Spirit takes over and she doesn't remember half of what she said. The difference in the two people is the man who was accusing told me we have to control the Holy Spirit and the friend praying is totally submitted to the Holy Spirit. It's a very sad difference.
I am listening to everything I can on prayer. I want God to be able to use every word of my prayer. I know Jesus is in the middle of this and we don't have to be perfect, but I still want every ounce of God working on the people I am crying out for. What if my prayers just fall to the ground? Can you imagine? And I believe they do at times. We are to pray in His will and a good way to check if we are doing just that is to check our motives, what do I want out of this? The Lord has taken me off prayer patrol before for someone because of my heart. It seemed my motives were pure, but they couldn't be because my heart wasn't. That's why He had to give me a dream about my friend having a brain tumor almost a year before they were diagnosed. Basically He was giving me authority to go after it.
I went to visit my friend a few days ago who had prostate cancer. His stomach looks like a pin cushion. I really didn't want to see it. He looks like and feels like he weighs about 100 pounds. When I hugged him I noticed bones I had never noticed before. He was happy, at least he seemed happy with his checker board bandaged stomach and his pee bag tied to his leg. This battle has been going on for a year and a half and I want to beat the cancer off him like a rabid dog having ahold of his leg. I am tired. Some days I can only pray in tongues and cry because I have no words left for God about this subject.
I was praying for a mentor the other day, "Lord God open their eyes and ears to you!" and I hear, "How's that working for you?" What? Huh? "You have been praying that same prayer for 6 years for "D". How did that work?" Well doesn't that just put a speed bump in your prayer life. Tongues is all I got. I couple weeks ago the Lord had talked to me about forgiveness. I was seeing the number 77 everywhere. When I asked Him what He was trying to tell me, He said it meant forgiveness. He wanted forgiveness toward the government for hiding cures for cancer and forgiveness toward doctors who use their patients to make money and so on. I was going to gather a group to do this praying together when one day on my way to a friend's He asked why I hadn't forgiven. I told Him I was getting a group together to pray for cancer . . . and He said, "I asked you to forgive. I didn't ask you to get a group. I gathered a group and you are one of them." I went right into prayer and forgave everyone and everything He brought to my attention.
I have been sick for the last couple weeks, first with sinus infection and then a stomach bug. I was driving home the other night, completely exhausted and emotional. I asked Him if any of my prayers were doing anything. Talk about feeling negative. Then I heard Him, "you weren't done." I knew I had forgiven every thing and person He had said. Then He whispered, "Forgive me." Instant tears. It was a knowing, I didn't have to go through the arguments of "But Lord You have done nothing wrong." We both knew that, but I did have to forgive Him for allowing the cancer. I went down my list of cancer fighting friends and forgave God for allowing them to be in this fight. It has gotten easier to forgive Him over time, because I realize there is a good reason. There is a Kingdom reason. If He takes one person and it some how saves 10, they all win. We get so stuck in an earthly view of life when it goes so far beyond the here and the now.
A while back I lost a friend to cancer. He had leukemia. He was in his eighties, but I really feel God used him as an example to me to get me through what was coming. I went to the hospital almost every other day to pray with and for him. He and his wife are very important to me. I had asked them on several occasions to adopt me. He would say in his ornery way, "No way. I got enough trouble." Then he would smile. He was always asking if I needed anything. Back in November of 2015 when I had a stroke he and his wife showed up at the hospital and with big ole tears in his eyes he handed me a rock with the word family on it and he said, "We have decided to adopt you." We both cried. Who knew months later I would be going to the hospital to pray for him.
The last time I saw him, he was very sleepy. I had my granddaughter with me and we sat in the corner of the room and prayed quietly for him. When I left I kissed him on the head and from somewhere in me the words came out, "We have your wife. We will take care of her. Don't you worry." We both cried because that was God, not me. I couldn't go back because I was fighting a bug and he died a week later. Then God showed me a very important picture. It was a tri-level chess board. He often used a chess board to show me things about His strategy, but this was the first time it had three levels. I watched as a huge hand reached down and took a piece from the first level and moved it to the top level. I heard the words, "He may be on a different level now, but it's the same game."
A short time later, I was listening to a teaching by an intercessor I have much respect for and he was telling a story about his assistant who had passed. He was crying out to the Lord and said, "How will I get things done without her?" He said, "The Lord answered me and informed me she is working harder for me now than she ever has." I believed his words because of what God had showed me with the tri-level chess board. They aren't up there playing checkers and sipping on iced tea. On a couple of occasions the Lord has reminded me of this. How many are up there from our families, from our ministries, from places we have forgotten and they are praying and petitioning on our behalf? I don't believe they are seeing every stupid thing we do here, but the belief that there are no tears, no pain, and no sin in heaven falls apart when you realize it was in heaven that one of God's top angels rebelled. He also took a third with him when he got the boot. That is sin, there had to be pain, and scripture confirms He weeps. I guess that's why there will be a new heaven.
In the last couple years God has moved several people to the third level of this game and I like to believe that every move is strategic. Maybe a person can do more for the Kingdom there than he is doing here. Maybe moving somebody we depend on up to the third floor forces us to be who He made us to be. I had a friend ask me yesterday when we were talking about a mentor, "what if you walked into that situation being who God created you to be?" Well . . . well, in a perfect world? Ha. His thinking is so far above our thinking. If you are not fulfilling your purpose here, you may be relocated for the sake of souls. Purpose? Purpose. I can't remember where I was going and what I was going there for, but as I drove I was talking to two friends on speaker. I asked them for prayer and as they prayed for me and I listened and agreed, I noticed that among all the gray and white clouds in the sky there was one that was bright pink. It happens here often as the sun goes down, but this was just one cloud, and that was odd. I said out loud to my friends, "There is a cloud that looks like a dolphin." Immediately I heard the Lord, "That's a porpoise. What is your porpoise, Kayleen, what is your porpoise?" My purpose Lord is to teach people to hear your voice and that is what I will do.
“Why is it,” comedian Lily Tomlin asks, “that when we speak to God we are said to be praying but when God speaks to us we are said to be schizophrenic?” Such a response from ourselves or others to someone’s claim to have heard from God is especially likely today because of the lack of specific teaching and pastoral guidance on such matters.”
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God
― Dutch Sheets, God's Timing for Your Life
Some days I am just stunned. Being teachable is a big thing. Knowing what you need to learn is another. Let's take prayer for instance. I have yet to go to a church that teaches how to pray. There must be something to learn or the Bible wouldn't give instruction. I remember hearing a man I know said that a friend of mine was praying just to be seen. It cracked me up, because I know her. When she starts praying the Holy Spirit takes over and she doesn't remember half of what she said. The difference in the two people is the man who was accusing told me we have to control the Holy Spirit and the friend praying is totally submitted to the Holy Spirit. It's a very sad difference.
I am listening to everything I can on prayer. I want God to be able to use every word of my prayer. I know Jesus is in the middle of this and we don't have to be perfect, but I still want every ounce of God working on the people I am crying out for. What if my prayers just fall to the ground? Can you imagine? And I believe they do at times. We are to pray in His will and a good way to check if we are doing just that is to check our motives, what do I want out of this? The Lord has taken me off prayer patrol before for someone because of my heart. It seemed my motives were pure, but they couldn't be because my heart wasn't. That's why He had to give me a dream about my friend having a brain tumor almost a year before they were diagnosed. Basically He was giving me authority to go after it.
I went to visit my friend a few days ago who had prostate cancer. His stomach looks like a pin cushion. I really didn't want to see it. He looks like and feels like he weighs about 100 pounds. When I hugged him I noticed bones I had never noticed before. He was happy, at least he seemed happy with his checker board bandaged stomach and his pee bag tied to his leg. This battle has been going on for a year and a half and I want to beat the cancer off him like a rabid dog having ahold of his leg. I am tired. Some days I can only pray in tongues and cry because I have no words left for God about this subject.
I was praying for a mentor the other day, "Lord God open their eyes and ears to you!" and I hear, "How's that working for you?" What? Huh? "You have been praying that same prayer for 6 years for "D". How did that work?" Well doesn't that just put a speed bump in your prayer life. Tongues is all I got. I couple weeks ago the Lord had talked to me about forgiveness. I was seeing the number 77 everywhere. When I asked Him what He was trying to tell me, He said it meant forgiveness. He wanted forgiveness toward the government for hiding cures for cancer and forgiveness toward doctors who use their patients to make money and so on. I was going to gather a group to do this praying together when one day on my way to a friend's He asked why I hadn't forgiven. I told Him I was getting a group together to pray for cancer . . . and He said, "I asked you to forgive. I didn't ask you to get a group. I gathered a group and you are one of them." I went right into prayer and forgave everyone and everything He brought to my attention.
I have been sick for the last couple weeks, first with sinus infection and then a stomach bug. I was driving home the other night, completely exhausted and emotional. I asked Him if any of my prayers were doing anything. Talk about feeling negative. Then I heard Him, "you weren't done." I knew I had forgiven every thing and person He had said. Then He whispered, "Forgive me." Instant tears. It was a knowing, I didn't have to go through the arguments of "But Lord You have done nothing wrong." We both knew that, but I did have to forgive Him for allowing the cancer. I went down my list of cancer fighting friends and forgave God for allowing them to be in this fight. It has gotten easier to forgive Him over time, because I realize there is a good reason. There is a Kingdom reason. If He takes one person and it some how saves 10, they all win. We get so stuck in an earthly view of life when it goes so far beyond the here and the now.
A while back I lost a friend to cancer. He had leukemia. He was in his eighties, but I really feel God used him as an example to me to get me through what was coming. I went to the hospital almost every other day to pray with and for him. He and his wife are very important to me. I had asked them on several occasions to adopt me. He would say in his ornery way, "No way. I got enough trouble." Then he would smile. He was always asking if I needed anything. Back in November of 2015 when I had a stroke he and his wife showed up at the hospital and with big ole tears in his eyes he handed me a rock with the word family on it and he said, "We have decided to adopt you." We both cried. Who knew months later I would be going to the hospital to pray for him.
The last time I saw him, he was very sleepy. I had my granddaughter with me and we sat in the corner of the room and prayed quietly for him. When I left I kissed him on the head and from somewhere in me the words came out, "We have your wife. We will take care of her. Don't you worry." We both cried because that was God, not me. I couldn't go back because I was fighting a bug and he died a week later. Then God showed me a very important picture. It was a tri-level chess board. He often used a chess board to show me things about His strategy, but this was the first time it had three levels. I watched as a huge hand reached down and took a piece from the first level and moved it to the top level. I heard the words, "He may be on a different level now, but it's the same game."
A short time later, I was listening to a teaching by an intercessor I have much respect for and he was telling a story about his assistant who had passed. He was crying out to the Lord and said, "How will I get things done without her?" He said, "The Lord answered me and informed me she is working harder for me now than she ever has." I believed his words because of what God had showed me with the tri-level chess board. They aren't up there playing checkers and sipping on iced tea. On a couple of occasions the Lord has reminded me of this. How many are up there from our families, from our ministries, from places we have forgotten and they are praying and petitioning on our behalf? I don't believe they are seeing every stupid thing we do here, but the belief that there are no tears, no pain, and no sin in heaven falls apart when you realize it was in heaven that one of God's top angels rebelled. He also took a third with him when he got the boot. That is sin, there had to be pain, and scripture confirms He weeps. I guess that's why there will be a new heaven.
In the last couple years God has moved several people to the third level of this game and I like to believe that every move is strategic. Maybe a person can do more for the Kingdom there than he is doing here. Maybe moving somebody we depend on up to the third floor forces us to be who He made us to be. I had a friend ask me yesterday when we were talking about a mentor, "what if you walked into that situation being who God created you to be?" Well . . . well, in a perfect world? Ha. His thinking is so far above our thinking. If you are not fulfilling your purpose here, you may be relocated for the sake of souls. Purpose? Purpose. I can't remember where I was going and what I was going there for, but as I drove I was talking to two friends on speaker. I asked them for prayer and as they prayed for me and I listened and agreed, I noticed that among all the gray and white clouds in the sky there was one that was bright pink. It happens here often as the sun goes down, but this was just one cloud, and that was odd. I said out loud to my friends, "There is a cloud that looks like a dolphin." Immediately I heard the Lord, "That's a porpoise. What is your porpoise, Kayleen, what is your porpoise?" My purpose Lord is to teach people to hear your voice and that is what I will do.
“Why is it,” comedian Lily Tomlin asks, “that when we speak to God we are said to be praying but when God speaks to us we are said to be schizophrenic?” Such a response from ourselves or others to someone’s claim to have heard from God is especially likely today because of the lack of specific teaching and pastoral guidance on such matters.”
― Dallas Willard, Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God
Friday, March 10, 2017
Outhouse, Closet or Shack, He Will Find You.
“Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.”
― William Paul Young, The Shack
For the last several weeks I have been in a place I have never been before. I would guess our walk, if we are actually moving ,should always feel like this. I am not even sure how to explain this place, except that maybe my pain is all that is holding me together. I know less than I have ever known. God, Jesus is a subject different than any other. If I was learning about fixing an engine, each week I am sure I would know more, but with the subject of the Holy Spirit, Jesus, and God the more time I spend learning the less I know.
Let's take the subject of cancer alone. I have several people in my life fighting cancer right now. Two of them are very important to me. One is a friendship of 23 years. He gets parts of me that no one else does. Creativity is what we have in common and practically the only thing, but his friendship is very important to me. Sometimes I feel he is the only proof that I have changed. He knew me when. Though he no longer has throat cancer, he will have surgery to remove prostate cancer and the affects could be life changing. Some days the pain I feel for him is more than I can express. As he struggles to believe in a God that I hold hands with even as we share and laugh at our struggles.
I worked with a woman for 7 years at my last job and we became good friends. Then I changed, I found Christ and I am not the same person and though I love her as much as ever, she doesn't believe it. Her husband has the "C" and is in a lot of pain. As I stood in the Healing Rooms where I volunteer and people are set free from cancer, unforgiveness and uneven limbs, I receive a text from her and though they are only words on a small screen I can hear her screaming them "I am going to go crazy and kill. Who is this God you talk about? The higher power that is hurting us so bad? I have prayed for my husband to not have this pain, but you know what?? He doesn't hear me. I am just poop, yeah that's me shit. It doesn't pay to be a good person. I wish I would have just died on the street." As I stand there holding Jesus' hand and feeling her pain and feeling totally helpless I have learned not to let go, but to hold on tighter or the world's pain will take me down. What do I do? I invite them to come to the Healing Room. I feel small. I hurt.
Then there is the big one. Our relationship is odd. He saved my life when nobody else had time. He stayed and he prayed and sometimes he dragged me through the muck of life to show me a God I was raging at. He cleaned me up and held my hand, while He held God's hand and prayed one day I wouldn't need him in the middle. The day came. Finally. When I watch my granddaughter at a year old I see me. She plays by herself, going from one thing to the next and then suddenly has to find mom. She doesn't need anything, just to know mom is there and she can continue in her play without a worry. I have done that in this relationship. I wander off, grow up a little, but always have to check in at some point. It's been the strangest 6 year relationship with more offs than ons, but when I learned of an inoperable brain tumor taking his life I went numb. I couldn't tell you how I felt. As I sat in worship at the Healing Rooms one day, my new mentor put it in perspective. It feels like you are losing a parent. I don't like the term but for lack of a better one, he was my first spiritual father, but it was more of a big brother. I always wanted a big brother and that was the only reason I could open up to him and eventually Jesus.
So as though these three are not enough there are more. Not nearly as close to me, but I pray for them regularly. A couple days ago a friend asked if we would go to her nephews house with stage four liver cancer and pray for him. As I am driving to meet my prayer warrior partner for the day, I begin the battle. Lord, go ahead of us and prepare his heart. That was as far as I got before my feelings came to the surface. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY TO THESE PEOPLE?? What are we even doing here? So I pray for his liver to heal and I pray for the brain tumor, and does it do any good? Is it up to you or is it up to them? And then it hits me, WHY am I praying for them? They get to go be with you and leave me here to do the hard work. They should be praying for me. Then I laughed. I know it's not funny, but really, who is better off? So I go through this cycle of laughing and crying and praying and screaming and wondering and repenting and believing and not believing and asking and telling and laughing and crying . . . and so on . . . and more. Then He shows up.
When God shows up it is different every time. This day I catch glimpses as He stays mostly out of sight at first. But then I see Him clearly as my friends son (11 years) says I want to go pray with you guys. He even states that this man will be healed. That's a glimpse of God. We talk about God and the awesome stuff He is doing around us as we drive the short distance to the house. And as we sit with this man so wrecked by cancer that his skin color is nothing I have ever seen before, the Holy Spirit dances in between and around us setting the atmosphere in the room. Three sisters and a young man he has mentored and a few others gather with us as we wait to see how God moves. For privacy for the family I will only say, God blows my mind all the time. Ministry never looks like I think it will look. Healing isn't always what I think it should be.
This morning I read several posts online about "The Shack". I am so sick of the boxes we shove Jesus in. When I first read the Shack it destroyed my God boxes. I am so tired of religious people telling me what I should watch as they do their Holy Yoga and play with their idols. I don't do boxes. Jesus does not do boxes. What does healing look like? You can never say. If anyone of these three cancer battles ended in a death and like Elijah with the widows son, would their families trust God enough to allow someone to lay across their family members dead body? If I walked into a hospital room where the body lay would anyone (in their right mind by the worlds standard) allow me to lay across the body three times and believe me when I told them their loved one would be revived? Who don't you believe?? ME? JESUS??
If I hear one more time that Jesus is not an overweight black woman I will throw up. Are you kidding me? He is all things. When I went into intense ministry to heal from the wounds of sexual abuse and trauma, Jesus showed up to me as a little jungle boy. He looked just like Mowgli from the Jungle book. WHY? Because that was all the more I could trust Him. As I healed and grew He grew with me. Now Jesus shows up as a grown man. Who are you or anyone to tell me what Jesus looks like? He meets us where we are. Mowgli looking Jesus met me in my closet. There were many times as I walked through difficult moments in my healing that I would get a glimpse of a Mowgli looking Jesus in strange diaper looking garb, waving in a Forest Gump way and His smile alone would heal parts of my heart I didn't know were damaged. Go ahead and climb in your box and wait for Him. He showed up for me in a closet, but He never allowed the door to close behind Him.
“I often find that getting head issues out of the way first makes the heart stuff easier to work on later.”
― William Paul Young, The Shack
― William Paul Young, The Shack
For the last several weeks I have been in a place I have never been before. I would guess our walk, if we are actually moving ,should always feel like this. I am not even sure how to explain this place, except that maybe my pain is all that is holding me together. I know less than I have ever known. God, Jesus is a subject different than any other. If I was learning about fixing an engine, each week I am sure I would know more, but with the subject of the Holy Spirit, Jesus, and God the more time I spend learning the less I know.
Let's take the subject of cancer alone. I have several people in my life fighting cancer right now. Two of them are very important to me. One is a friendship of 23 years. He gets parts of me that no one else does. Creativity is what we have in common and practically the only thing, but his friendship is very important to me. Sometimes I feel he is the only proof that I have changed. He knew me when. Though he no longer has throat cancer, he will have surgery to remove prostate cancer and the affects could be life changing. Some days the pain I feel for him is more than I can express. As he struggles to believe in a God that I hold hands with even as we share and laugh at our struggles.
I worked with a woman for 7 years at my last job and we became good friends. Then I changed, I found Christ and I am not the same person and though I love her as much as ever, she doesn't believe it. Her husband has the "C" and is in a lot of pain. As I stood in the Healing Rooms where I volunteer and people are set free from cancer, unforgiveness and uneven limbs, I receive a text from her and though they are only words on a small screen I can hear her screaming them "I am going to go crazy and kill. Who is this God you talk about? The higher power that is hurting us so bad? I have prayed for my husband to not have this pain, but you know what?? He doesn't hear me. I am just poop, yeah that's me shit. It doesn't pay to be a good person. I wish I would have just died on the street." As I stand there holding Jesus' hand and feeling her pain and feeling totally helpless I have learned not to let go, but to hold on tighter or the world's pain will take me down. What do I do? I invite them to come to the Healing Room. I feel small. I hurt.
Then there is the big one. Our relationship is odd. He saved my life when nobody else had time. He stayed and he prayed and sometimes he dragged me through the muck of life to show me a God I was raging at. He cleaned me up and held my hand, while He held God's hand and prayed one day I wouldn't need him in the middle. The day came. Finally. When I watch my granddaughter at a year old I see me. She plays by herself, going from one thing to the next and then suddenly has to find mom. She doesn't need anything, just to know mom is there and she can continue in her play without a worry. I have done that in this relationship. I wander off, grow up a little, but always have to check in at some point. It's been the strangest 6 year relationship with more offs than ons, but when I learned of an inoperable brain tumor taking his life I went numb. I couldn't tell you how I felt. As I sat in worship at the Healing Rooms one day, my new mentor put it in perspective. It feels like you are losing a parent. I don't like the term but for lack of a better one, he was my first spiritual father, but it was more of a big brother. I always wanted a big brother and that was the only reason I could open up to him and eventually Jesus.
So as though these three are not enough there are more. Not nearly as close to me, but I pray for them regularly. A couple days ago a friend asked if we would go to her nephews house with stage four liver cancer and pray for him. As I am driving to meet my prayer warrior partner for the day, I begin the battle. Lord, go ahead of us and prepare his heart. That was as far as I got before my feelings came to the surface. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY TO THESE PEOPLE?? What are we even doing here? So I pray for his liver to heal and I pray for the brain tumor, and does it do any good? Is it up to you or is it up to them? And then it hits me, WHY am I praying for them? They get to go be with you and leave me here to do the hard work. They should be praying for me. Then I laughed. I know it's not funny, but really, who is better off? So I go through this cycle of laughing and crying and praying and screaming and wondering and repenting and believing and not believing and asking and telling and laughing and crying . . . and so on . . . and more. Then He shows up.
When God shows up it is different every time. This day I catch glimpses as He stays mostly out of sight at first. But then I see Him clearly as my friends son (11 years) says I want to go pray with you guys. He even states that this man will be healed. That's a glimpse of God. We talk about God and the awesome stuff He is doing around us as we drive the short distance to the house. And as we sit with this man so wrecked by cancer that his skin color is nothing I have ever seen before, the Holy Spirit dances in between and around us setting the atmosphere in the room. Three sisters and a young man he has mentored and a few others gather with us as we wait to see how God moves. For privacy for the family I will only say, God blows my mind all the time. Ministry never looks like I think it will look. Healing isn't always what I think it should be.
This morning I read several posts online about "The Shack". I am so sick of the boxes we shove Jesus in. When I first read the Shack it destroyed my God boxes. I am so tired of religious people telling me what I should watch as they do their Holy Yoga and play with their idols. I don't do boxes. Jesus does not do boxes. What does healing look like? You can never say. If anyone of these three cancer battles ended in a death and like Elijah with the widows son, would their families trust God enough to allow someone to lay across their family members dead body? If I walked into a hospital room where the body lay would anyone (in their right mind by the worlds standard) allow me to lay across the body three times and believe me when I told them their loved one would be revived? Who don't you believe?? ME? JESUS??
If I hear one more time that Jesus is not an overweight black woman I will throw up. Are you kidding me? He is all things. When I went into intense ministry to heal from the wounds of sexual abuse and trauma, Jesus showed up to me as a little jungle boy. He looked just like Mowgli from the Jungle book. WHY? Because that was all the more I could trust Him. As I healed and grew He grew with me. Now Jesus shows up as a grown man. Who are you or anyone to tell me what Jesus looks like? He meets us where we are. Mowgli looking Jesus met me in my closet. There were many times as I walked through difficult moments in my healing that I would get a glimpse of a Mowgli looking Jesus in strange diaper looking garb, waving in a Forest Gump way and His smile alone would heal parts of my heart I didn't know were damaged. Go ahead and climb in your box and wait for Him. He showed up for me in a closet, but He never allowed the door to close behind Him.
“I often find that getting head issues out of the way first makes the heart stuff easier to work on later.”
― William Paul Young, The Shack
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Prison of Shame
“The word comfort is from two Latin words meaning “with” and “strong” – He is with us to make us strong. Comfort is not soft, weakening commiseration; it is true, strengthening love.”
― Amy Carmichael, Kohila : the shaping of an Indian nurse
You know when you get something new, like a car for instance, and then you see that kind of car everywhere? You can't run a block without seeing one. First, you find yourself saying, "If I would have realized there were so many cars like mine, I wouldn't have got this one." At least that's what I would say, because I don't like to be like everyone else. Okay, okay, I did drive a Camaro years ago and there was a saying about how Camaros were like a certain body part, everyone has one. But after that lapse in character, I want to be different. So back to that car! When you get past the fact that there are three on your block you had not noticed, then you start looking at the differences. You like that color better than the color you chose, you like that sunroof, you're glad you did NOT pick those wheels and so on and so on. The point is, right now, I am doing this with shame.
God never ... well has never, so far, given me any type of healing in a "poof" moment. I have to work through every single step. I have studied shame like my life depends on it, and it does. The great wall of shame, shrouded in anger, stands between me and God's plan for me. After all this study, I can barely be in the world. I watch people shame each other and it breaks my heart. Little comments cut deep and I see the knife's reflection in their eyes. I wonder who shamed the shamer. It's like any abuse I suppose; when you are constantly shamed as a child, you either become a shamer like the parent/guardian who shamed you, OR you turn it completely around and never say a negative word that could shame a person, but somehow, the unshamer is just as broken because they are so afraid of shaming they can't tell the truth at times when they really need to.
Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well about the Living Water and in verse 15 she says, "Sir, give me this water, so I will not be thirsty nor come all the way here to draw." The next thing He does would not be approved by many Christians today: He tells her to go get her husband. Every time I have read this verse or heard this story preached I get a weird feeling. I have discovered that feeling is shame. Not only did he know she had no husband, but He knew how many she had in the past and all other little dirty secrets. I find it interesting that He tells her of the Living Water and then brings up all of her shame. The Samaritan woman didn't let the shame get in her way of entering into a relationship with Jesus.
I realized shame can only be dissolved by knowing our true identity in Christ. The other day I was watching a teaching and he mentioned an Irish woman who was a missionary in India for 55 years. I then looked her up and watched a documentary on Amy Carmichael. One of the women she worked with told a story about Amy that messed me up, in a good way. In her last 20 years on earth she was pretty much bedridden from a fall. She had chosen one of many women she worked with to be by her side and help her daily. The woman telling the story said, there were several women who could have and would have done a much better job caring for and helping Amy. She asked Amy why she chose this particular woman. Amy said, "Nobody wants her. I thought maybe I could help her." Are you kidding me? For 20 years Miss Carmichael was in tremendous pain and wrote most of her books and other writings from that pain, while ministering to a woman who supplied all her needs, poorly. I have a long way to go. Miss Amy Carmichael knew who she was in Christ. If you want to be amazed by her, get her booklet "If". It's only $1.99 on Kindle right now.
On the same day that I met Amy Carmichael through her writing and the documentary, I also watched a program about young women in prison, who were hanging themselves on the other end of the spectrum. When you have been so intimately involved with shame and the anger you unsuccessfully try to hide it under, the whole world looks different. These girls were so hungry for identity. They fought over the most ridiculous things like girls in the fifth grade. I have watched this type of show many times, but it was much different now. I believe my mouth was hanging open much of the time. Only one woman had remorse about her crime. At one point they had women who had abused or murdered children, locked away in one area and only a wall of windows separated them from the area where they locked up women who were detoxing. The women constantly fought with the women on the other side of the partition. It was some what like watching a volleyball game played with shame messages through a window instead of a ball over a net. One woman said, "You can't let them see that they are hurting you, but it hurts." Any one of those women could have been the next Amy Carmichael had they been nurtured, loved, and told so.
I believe people behave at a certain maturity level, because that is the age they began to believe the lies that they were as dog poop steaming on a sidewalk. We are an angry country, because we are a country that believes the lies of the enemy. Shame is everywhere, and if we could stop fighting through the glass partition, trying to convince others that their crime/sin is worse than ours, maybe we could turn this around. What would have happened if one woman would have complimented, had empathy for or encouraged instead?
“The best training is to learn to accept everything as it comes, as from Him whom our soul loves. The tests are always unexpected things, not great things that can be written up, but the common little rubs of life, silly little nothings, things you are ashamed of minding one scrap”
― Amy Carmichael, A Very Present Help: Life Messages of Great Christans
― Amy Carmichael, Kohila : the shaping of an Indian nurse
You know when you get something new, like a car for instance, and then you see that kind of car everywhere? You can't run a block without seeing one. First, you find yourself saying, "If I would have realized there were so many cars like mine, I wouldn't have got this one." At least that's what I would say, because I don't like to be like everyone else. Okay, okay, I did drive a Camaro years ago and there was a saying about how Camaros were like a certain body part, everyone has one. But after that lapse in character, I want to be different. So back to that car! When you get past the fact that there are three on your block you had not noticed, then you start looking at the differences. You like that color better than the color you chose, you like that sunroof, you're glad you did NOT pick those wheels and so on and so on. The point is, right now, I am doing this with shame.
God never ... well has never, so far, given me any type of healing in a "poof" moment. I have to work through every single step. I have studied shame like my life depends on it, and it does. The great wall of shame, shrouded in anger, stands between me and God's plan for me. After all this study, I can barely be in the world. I watch people shame each other and it breaks my heart. Little comments cut deep and I see the knife's reflection in their eyes. I wonder who shamed the shamer. It's like any abuse I suppose; when you are constantly shamed as a child, you either become a shamer like the parent/guardian who shamed you, OR you turn it completely around and never say a negative word that could shame a person, but somehow, the unshamer is just as broken because they are so afraid of shaming they can't tell the truth at times when they really need to.
Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well about the Living Water and in verse 15 she says, "Sir, give me this water, so I will not be thirsty nor come all the way here to draw." The next thing He does would not be approved by many Christians today: He tells her to go get her husband. Every time I have read this verse or heard this story preached I get a weird feeling. I have discovered that feeling is shame. Not only did he know she had no husband, but He knew how many she had in the past and all other little dirty secrets. I find it interesting that He tells her of the Living Water and then brings up all of her shame. The Samaritan woman didn't let the shame get in her way of entering into a relationship with Jesus.
I realized shame can only be dissolved by knowing our true identity in Christ. The other day I was watching a teaching and he mentioned an Irish woman who was a missionary in India for 55 years. I then looked her up and watched a documentary on Amy Carmichael. One of the women she worked with told a story about Amy that messed me up, in a good way. In her last 20 years on earth she was pretty much bedridden from a fall. She had chosen one of many women she worked with to be by her side and help her daily. The woman telling the story said, there were several women who could have and would have done a much better job caring for and helping Amy. She asked Amy why she chose this particular woman. Amy said, "Nobody wants her. I thought maybe I could help her." Are you kidding me? For 20 years Miss Carmichael was in tremendous pain and wrote most of her books and other writings from that pain, while ministering to a woman who supplied all her needs, poorly. I have a long way to go. Miss Amy Carmichael knew who she was in Christ. If you want to be amazed by her, get her booklet "If". It's only $1.99 on Kindle right now.
On the same day that I met Amy Carmichael through her writing and the documentary, I also watched a program about young women in prison, who were hanging themselves on the other end of the spectrum. When you have been so intimately involved with shame and the anger you unsuccessfully try to hide it under, the whole world looks different. These girls were so hungry for identity. They fought over the most ridiculous things like girls in the fifth grade. I have watched this type of show many times, but it was much different now. I believe my mouth was hanging open much of the time. Only one woman had remorse about her crime. At one point they had women who had abused or murdered children, locked away in one area and only a wall of windows separated them from the area where they locked up women who were detoxing. The women constantly fought with the women on the other side of the partition. It was some what like watching a volleyball game played with shame messages through a window instead of a ball over a net. One woman said, "You can't let them see that they are hurting you, but it hurts." Any one of those women could have been the next Amy Carmichael had they been nurtured, loved, and told so.
I believe people behave at a certain maturity level, because that is the age they began to believe the lies that they were as dog poop steaming on a sidewalk. We are an angry country, because we are a country that believes the lies of the enemy. Shame is everywhere, and if we could stop fighting through the glass partition, trying to convince others that their crime/sin is worse than ours, maybe we could turn this around. What would have happened if one woman would have complimented, had empathy for or encouraged instead?
“The best training is to learn to accept everything as it comes, as from Him whom our soul loves. The tests are always unexpected things, not great things that can be written up, but the common little rubs of life, silly little nothings, things you are ashamed of minding one scrap”
― Amy Carmichael, A Very Present Help: Life Messages of Great Christans
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