― Corrie ten Boom
Yesterday, cancer kicked my ass and I don't even have it. I feel guilty because a very good friend of mine is really struggling with the whole God thing while her husband is in pain, being eaten alive by cancer cells. I should be there, sitting beside her. I was when her brother was murdered years ago. It didn't matter if it was the middle of the night or the middle of the work day, I was there for her. Now my hands are so full. At least they feel that way. I pray. That is all I can do. I listen to how He wants me to pray and I pray. That's all I can do.
As I was having this awesome day with God two days ago, I didn't know everything that was happening. The Lord spoke to me with a message for a couple friends and it was amazing. I had lunch with a new friend and I had dreams interpreted and lots of confirmations. I was feeling so good, especially about me and God. I love those days where you hear clearly and many answers come, but I think those ice cream cone from heaven days are from God, because He knows the next day you will be required to eat spinach, liver, and sardines.
I woke up Sunday morning with the glow of God's presence still on me when I got a text from my friend who has been clean for over 20 years and he asked how I was doing and informed me he woke with a Johnny Cash song on his mind, Sunday Morning Coming Down. I answered his text with the song I woke up with " Nothing but the Blood " on my heart. Then he dropped the bomb: Of the three lymph glands they tested, two showed cancer. I can't even write this without tears. We have been fighting for a year and a half, throat, then prostate and now . . . and now the worst. I am so tired and I am so pissed off at Satan for his pride. I spent most of the day in bed, in tears, feeling beat up. Cancer is kicking my ass and I don't even have it.
It is frustrating to watch the different battles and how they are playing out. We prayed for a guy a couple weeks ago and he passed away. I see one fighting with hundreds of people supporting him, because they have made him their God instead of the real one. I can say that because at one time I did the same with him. Now he is just one of my friends and was very important at one time, but if people don't put him in the right place, under God, just a pastor, the Lord will take him. He told me that years ago when I was putting him before God, God said, "Don't make me take him out of your life, because I will." He has. I learned. Too late. Now it looks like we will not have time to be friends like we once were. I love him and he saved my life. I would give him a kidney if that's what it took to keep him alive, but God made it a brain tumor, cause you can't give away your brain and who would want it? Ha.
Then there is my friend sitting with her husband. I should be there. I can't take it. I know her family is nonexistent and that makes me feel worse. I don't know how she is managing, but if yelling at me about our God helps, I am okay with that.
Then there is my friend that the Lord instructed me to give whatever he needs and I have been and would have even without instruction. He is amazing. A few times I have sensed anger. A few times we have sat in silence hurting alone together. He tries to cheer me up and rips my heart out. I do not want to lose one of these people, but I would give up their friendship to save their lives, I would walk away forever if it meant they lived. Then I have to look at the bigger picture. What is God doing and not doing and why?
From what I have learned about healing, I would be on my face asking God who I needed to go to and ask forgiveness from. I bet the list would surprise me and maybe now would be a good time to start - before the disease of bitterness. I hate cancer and that just may be where my bitterness lies.
So yesterday, I spent the day listening to his song. Today, I am fighting for all of them again, through prayer.
And the one that reminds me of him.
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