Joy

Misery loves company - Joy loves it more. - The Holy Spirit

     These are the words spoken to me first thing this morning.  My daughter and I talked yesterday about this very thing.  She is a server and we were discussing how rude and unfriendly people can be.  I know that when I was full of rage, I wanted people to feel it.  I wanted somebody to hurt as bad as I did.  There is nothing like having someone cry with you.  This morning I realized, we don't always want people to share in our feelings, sometimes we need them to carry some of it.  When the pain is so heavy on our chest we can barely expand our lungs to take in oxygen, we need somebody to take some of it off of us.
     This is what I found in telling my secrets.  For many months it was only Dave I shared with and he definitely took some of it off me, but he didn't carry it, he threw it away.  This morning the teenagers who heard my message are so heavy on my heart.  I had a young man, I would guess to be about 15 stand in front of me after the last service.  We stood there in silence, eyes locked.  He was a big kid, much taller than I.  I couldn't take my eyes off his.  Then in a very soft voice he whispered, "Thank you." and he turned and walked away.  I don't know exactly what God was doing in him, but the draw I felt was so strong.  Then a woman walked by and thanked me for the way I had handled the details.  She had three teenagers with her.  This really shook me.  I love kids.  I really love kids, but I have a hard time being around them because all I see is the vulnerability.  
     Last night I decided I hadn't realized how deep the pain can run.  I'm still feeling so much of it.  But then this morning as I sat and talked with the Holy Spirit, He explained to me that it is no longer my pain I am carrying.  It's every person who is feeling brave enough to speak up and speak out.  It's every story I have heard of men and women stepping forward and saying, "I'm tired of hurting."  I'm glad to carry it for a moment before we throw it on the enemy where it belongs.  He needs to be suffocated in it.  My willingness to carry another's pain not only comes from being able to hurt the enemy, it comes from knowing what happens next.  Once that pain is felt and thrown off, the joy that comes is 10 times the intensity and growing.
     As much as I wanted somebody to hurt as bad as I did, I want people to feel the freedom and joy growing inside me more every day.  

“A real Christian is the one who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.”
― Billy Graham


“The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us.”
― Billy Graham


“God never takes away something from your life without replacing it with something better.”
― Billy Graham

FREEDOM!!

“Remember: What you do doesn't determine who you are; who you are determines what you do.”
― Neil T. Anderson

     If as believers we are allowed to have hero's, Neil T. Anderson is right at the top of my list.  This man's book "The Bondage Breakers" set me free in ways I never thought possible and God wants me to share a few truths He revealed to me through Neil.  First of all, if you decide to get his book and work through the workbook, please don't do it alone.  I have written in previous blogs about the affects this book and the work I did in it had on me.  The enemy is not a friend.  He is not a guy in a cute little red costume with horns, a tail and a pitchfork.  He hates us with a passion beyond anything we are capable of.  He does not want you to read this book and will fight you every step of the way.

     I worked through the Bondage Breaker steps and had memory recall of abuse that I had blocked.  When the memory first came I said out loud to God, "No."  I didn't want to believe it.  But the Holy Spirit revealed truths to me and I know my memories are accurate.  After working through the book, I wanted more freedom.  I couldn't understand what the enemy still had over me.  I had gone through the steps of forgiveness.  Sex was a gift from God that joins two people and I had worked through breaking the bond with each person, but there was still something.  

     I bought Neil's book "The Bondage Breaker - The Next Step"  Each chapter was written for a specific battle or person.  For instance chapter 3 is "Freedom from Cultic and Occult Bondage" and chapter 4 is "Freedom from Eating Disorders"   I read chapter 5 "Female Sexual abuse and Freedom", but what immediately caught my attention was chapter 7 "Freeing the Sexual Abuser"  I was curious, how does an abuser's mind work?  I decided to read it, not realizing I was about to be set free on a whole new level.  I had been told as many victim's have, that I was a tease, it was my fault.  I found freedom in this pastor's story:

It all started with rubbing his daughter's back to help her wake up in the morning, but it soon led to inappropriate fondling.  He said, "I didn't have a great battle with sexual temptation before this, but as soon as I walk through the door of her room it is though I have no control."

What was happening reminded me of Homer's depiction of the sirens (Sea nymphs) whose singing lured sailors to their death on rocky coasts.  Every ship that sailed too close suffered the same end.  In the story Ulysses ties himself to the mast of the ship and orders the crew to wear earplugs and ignore any pleas he might make.  The mental torment of trying to resist the sirens was unbearable.

When we face temptation a line is drawn.  When we step over it, we lose rational control.  This pastor crossed that line when he stepped through the door of his daughter's room.  As I learned later, the daughter had major spiritual problems the were never resolved.  She had been molested by a youth pastor in a former ministry.  The daughter wasn't sexually enticing her father, but a demonic stronghold in her life was.  The "sirens" lured the father to do the unspeakable.  When I met with the daughter she couldn't even read through a prayer of commitment to stand against Satan and his attacks, which is a definite signal of enemy oppression.

   

    Do you see the freedom here?  It wasn't me, it was demonic.  I remember a man telling me once that when I walked into a room there was a sexual aura that was overwhelming and changed "Good Men".  We laughed about it, because I didn't understand what he was talking about.  But I have had men all my life approach me me with bold and disgusting propositions that confused me.  Many times I would wonder what I was doing to give off such an invitation to even ask the question.  I talked to many male friends, hoping they would give some secret to my behavior that I was unaware of.  I think you become so dependent on that attention that when and if it stops, you don't know how to function, you feel rejected.  That is why I believe we hold on to this type of demonic presence as much as it holds on to us.  It is our self esteem.  I finally reached a point in my life where I began to isolate to keep my "Aura" from touching anyone.

     Not only was this relief to me as a victim, but I believe this is true relief for the abuser.  He/she knows what kind of battle he/she is truly fighting.  I also believe this is the real battle for good people who have affairs.  They try to break it off, they almost hate the person they are cheating with, but then they get too close and before they know it, they are back in bed.  All the lies the enemy has told us all our lives makes us more vulnerable to this demonic force.

     Some people may say that the enemy is just an excuse for bad behavior, but I have looked into the eyes of abuser's, cheaters and addicts and seen the overwhelming desire to stop the behavior.  They don't understand why they can't stop.   I have seen the brokenness it causes.  And I have seen them slip right back into it like a very thirsty horse being led straight to cool fresh water.

"The media and many of our churches give the impression that Satan has more power than God does.  Many people talk about fearing Satan more than they talk about fearing God.  The Bible never says we should fear Satan, but it does teach that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.  When we fear Satan more than God, we elevate him as a greater object of worship." - Neil T. Anderson

Redeemed

Who are we?

“When you argue against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all: it is like cutting off the branch you are sitting on.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

     As tired as I was this morning, God pointed to my chair in His classroom and asked me to take a seat.  I barely had the energy to sit down, but I know when I obey life just feels right.  So I took my seat and opened my book.  I believe a lot of the teaching God gives us isn't as much new subjects, but the same subjects on a deeper level.  It's just like in school growing up, the math I learned in first grade didn't even resemble what was taught on a college level.  Take love for instance.  I started out believing that God loved everyone else, but there was something wrong with me that made it impossible for Him to love me.  There were times I even believed I was evil.  I remember asking Dave how Jesus could live in such a dark place as my heart.  Through stages I have come to realize that God loves me in a way I can not always understand.  I know He wept for me now.  I know He waited for me with an even deeper longing than that of a parent with a lost child. 

     I was blessed to get together with three ladies today and just spend some time talking about God and what He is doing in our lives and the lives of others.  As I listened to each of them I realized something pretty big.  Big to me anyway.  We walk into a church believing that everyone has it together.  Thank God they don't or I would never fit in.  Christians should always be nice.  Christians should always love.  The sad part is we expect other believers to be something we are not.  Or possibly that we think we are.  The good news is, we are all learning.  We are all at different stages and that's where I really felt blessed today.  Each of these women have been through their own battles, their own growth spurts, their own journey with God.  Each of them was in a place I am totally new to, a place where you want others to find the freedom in the truth so badly that you are willing to sacrifice in a way you never have before.  Each of these ladies have their own gifts and their own understanding and talking with them, as open and transparent as they are, I began to understand how God brings different people together for a reason.  It almost felt like we were working on a class project together, chosen each for our own gifts and talents and the contributions we could make not only to each other but to the finished product. 

     I have to admit I have a little male chauvinism in me.  I have trouble with women stepping into the roles that I believe men are supposed to fill.  But today, I have to rethink this "women in the military" thing.  God never said our "Belt of truth" couldn't be pink.  In fact there is something pretty awesome about a woman knocking a demon on his butt and then picking up a baby and holding it close.  There's something that makes me smile when a woman is telling the two kids in the backseat to quit fighting on the way to soccer practice and then calmly swerves to run over the enemy without missing a beat in her discipline.  I have seen some mighty warriors these last couple days, slip off their breastplate, slam a demon against the wall with it and slip it back on before she stepped into the ladies room.  I'm impressed.  They don't have time to flex muscles while they are spreading peanut butter on bread.  And when they worship, don't get in their way.  I think I understand now why Jesus calls the church His bride.  You will probably never see me in pink, but I am proud to fight alongside the women in God's army.  Today after polishing up my armor and washing my bulldozer I was blessed with reading to my grandson out of his brand new bible.  After I convinced him that Noah was not Santa Claus, we enjoyed a little cuddle and I watched him fall asleep.  

     These ladies, the friends that I have made in the last few months are changing me.  I like being with them.  For the first time in my life, I think I'm beginning to like being a ... you know... woman.

     (Papa Smurk - No need for "I told you so")

“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.” ― Margaret D. Nadauld

Working through Weakness

"What will it take 'til you believe in me, the way that I believe in you?"    Just the Way You Are - Billy Joel

     I don't even know where to start.  This weekend has been absolutely amazing.  I am so drained I can't even fight the tears anymore.  How do you put into words what happened in Burlington this weekend?  Then just now, God said, "Tell them what you really saw."
     For weeks I have been under attack.  The enemy did not want me speaking out.  Why?  Because the Holy Spirit was about to speak through my mouth and His words were the keys needed to release the locks on the chains that bound so many.  On Thursday I told Dave I wasn't going to do it.  It was too much and I couldn't handle it.  I was angry at God because He seemed to have left me.  I was driving when I told Him, "I don't even want to hear your music." and I switched the radio station.  God showed up anyway.  The song "Just the way you are" by Billy Joel was playing.  The words, "I love you just the way you are" let me know that God was serenading me, but one line really shook me, "What will it take 'til you believe in me, the way that I believe in you?"  I ended up at the church in prayer with Dave for twenty minutes before I knew, I was going to do it.  I was going to tell my story and trust God to do His work.  I went to a group I attend that night and spoke to them about hearing God, giving several examples of the amazing ways He has spoken to me.  How could I walk away from Him?  What good would come from my scars if nobody saw them?

   The Holy Spirit whispered to me this morning, "Tell them what you really saw."  What I saw was beyond human comprehension without the Holy Spirit's kiss on my eyes to open them to a whole new world.  This is not fantasy.  This is the world around us that anyone can see if you trust and believe.

     I walked into the church hours before the service was to begin.  A few of us gathered to pray over the atmosphere and for the people who would gather there.  A group of women walked from door to door and prayed over it and what was allowed to pass through it.  As they prayed Angels were stationed at each door.  Tall angels with a staff in their hand.  All they had to do was pound that staff on the floor and the demons who attempted to enter would flee.  As each person entered an angel would take position behind them and follow them where ever they wandered.  There were a few demons who got through the door only because the person they were with was holding their hand, refusing to let go, but most of them would flee shortly after the service began, escorted to the door by that person's assigned angel.
     As worship began I could hear the angels staffs hit the floor with the beat of the drum.  Demons were fleeing from Burlington, beyond the walls of the church.  I'm pretty sure Satan was pitching a major fit.  Commanding his army to attack, but they would fizzle out in fear as they approached.  
     The Holy Spirit never left me.  He moved my mouth and pushed my voice out through it.  All I had to do was sit there totally surrendered.  There were a few moments when He would wrap His arms around me and kiss my head.  
     The most moving and amazing time was after the service as almost in slow motion people would walk by me to leave and our eyes would lock.  I could see a new freedom in some as their angels followed them out the door.  I could see hope in wet eyes as they thanked me for allowing God to use me.  I could see my brothers and sisters in Christ kneel with people to pray as their angels stood behind them and the Holy Spirit reached out of them to touch the person they were praying with and fill them, pushing out their unbelief, fear and negativity.  
     I also saw broken people leave holding the hands of the demons who had tried desperately to talk them out of coming to the service, but each one was followed out the door by an angel who softly winked at me with a gentle smile.  "I got this."
     During the last service a demon made an attempt to shut me up.  I believe this demon was not happy because a person who wrestles with abuse was hearing God's word.  The most amazing thing happened.  I became aware of an angel standing behind me.  He was big.  I had asked God to show me an angel this weekend and He blessed me.  Every time the demon would attempt an attack, the angel would pound his staff on the floor and I heard it every time.  All I could do is smile as the demon backed off and eventually left.
     I saw things this weekend I have heard about in the Bible but never experienced.  There were people laughing as though they were drunk, but they were filled with the Holy Spirit.  I know this because I was one of them.  I have not laughed like that in years and it was better than any alcohol I have ever touched.  I saw God's quiet and gentle soldiers put on their armor and step forth to fight with skill, love, confidence and determination like I have never seen.  They were fierce and the enemy knew the power they possessed.  I heard Jesus laugh.  He filled that room with Himself, with the Love that He is and it messed people up.
     I have never felt so honored.  I have never felt so loved.  So as I polish up my armor today and rest my aching spiritual and physical muscles, I'm listening for the trumpet's call to suit up and show up.  I will fight the enemy with a new confidence.  When chains fall off of your spirit, it changes you in ways you can't imagine.  The desire to set others free grows bigger than anything I want for myself.  I pray for each set of eyes that left this weekend with pain in them.  I know the battle.  I know the enemy was waiting to get each person alone so he could undo the damage that God and God's army did to his plan.   He has no power unless it is given to him.  If you feel under attack, just whisper the name of Jesus over and over until you feel Him show up and the walls fall.  You have an army praying and fighting for you.  Excuse my language, but the enemy is a pansy ass, don't hand him your sword.  CUT HIM OFF WITH IT!!


You use the weak to lead the strong - Your Grace is Enough - Matt Maher

Here I am to Worship

Keeping me encouraged.

Drowning?

“...You say to God, “I have never seen you provide for me.”
God says to you, “You have never trusted Me.”
― Corallie Buchanan, Watch Out! Godly Women on the Loose

     I believe I was about ten years old when I took swimming lessons.  I had a healthy fear of water.  There were only three of us in the class and the other two were my friends from school.  They both basically knew how to swim.  To graduate from the class we had to jump off the diving board.  I dreaded the day.  When it finally came I stood at the end of the diving board for what seemed like 40 years.  It wasn't a question of whether I could swim or not, it was a question of whether I was ready to die.  If I jumped, I was dead.  I was the only one who knew it.  According to my grandma, I would go to heaven and I was ready because life here kinda sucked.  I jumped.  I knew drowning was not going to be one of those slow motion, hair floating, bubbles gently rising moments, it was going to be an ugly, scary slow death, but it would be over eventually.  As I hit the water I said to God, "Please make it fast."  But like God has done hundreds of times since then, He saved me.  He sent a friend to swim out and drag me back to the side of the pool.  In my panic I just about took her under with me.  She thought it was pretty funny.  I was rather disappointed.  I am still here.

     In an email from Dave one time He said to me, "We're not going to let you drown." and it reminded me of that day on the diving board.  I knew God was telling me to jump and Dave was really saying, "I'll be over here at the side of the pool."  I wonder if God told him I might try to take him under with me in my panic.  

     So my life has been full of diving board moments.  Fear has me by the throat, because I know I will fail and I would rather die.  I have never been afraid of dying.  I have been afraid of failing, looking stupid, being laughed at, hurting someone, and being in pain myself.  Never dying.

     To get anywhere we have to take that first step.  You can sit on the end of the board and dangle your feet forever, you will not drown.  But you will never swim. either.  Every time I step out, God shows up.  Usually in a whole different way than I expected.  Usually in a much bigger way than I expected.  I have stood at the front door waiting, tapping my foot, when He has come in the back door and is waiting on me to realize it.  
     My time on the diving board is getting shorter.  I believe one day there won't even be a pause before I jump.  We may think that God is holding His hand out saying, "After you." We have to make the first move to show we believe and then He steps in and everything goes according to His plan, but I think we have this all wrong.  The first move was His before we were even born.  The first move was on the cross.  He said, "I forgive."  Our move is to say "I believe."

“Faith don't come in a bushel basket, Missy. It come one step at a time. Decide to trust Him for one little thing today, and before you know it, you find out He's so trustworthy you be putting your whole life in His hands.”
― Lynn Austin, Candle in the Darkness

Mood Setters

“Tell me what you listen to, and I'll tell you who you are.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star
   
     I had a cat once that I did not like.  I planned to give her away when her kittens were old enough.  I would lock them on the back porch at night and stuff things under the door, but every night she would get into the house and to get even with me she would go to the bathroom in my bathtub.  I hated that cat and she hated me.  I can handle a lot of creepy crawly things, but mice send me over the edge.  Actually any type of rodent will make me make faces and do dances that would make people think I was very ill.  At one time we had mice getting into our house and I threatened to move, until my step-dad found where they were getting in and plugged the hole.  You first have to find where they are getting in before you can close that entrance.

     The enemy sometimes uses a little truth and an imitation of God to get to us.  Sometimes he opens doors to lead us astray that God has to slam shut on us.  I have had to pay close attention to the doors the enemy opens.  I have to pay even closer attention to the doors he is crawling under.
     I have seen people who have not smoked a cigarette in 30 years, absolutely light up when they get a whiff of one.  I mean light up like in their eyes, not literally.  The sense of smell is a very strong memory trigger.  Dinner cooking or the county fair are pleasant smells that bring back good memories.  I have walked into a house and smelled something I couldn't even identify, just their family smell and had to leave.  The feeling that came over me was terrifying. 
     The one thing that people don't seem to realize how much it can affect a mood is music.   I see people in church with their arms in the air and tears streaming down their faces from a good worship song.  I have seen people close their eyes and get lost in a favorite song.  Music can overwhelm us.  Music is something I have to be very careful about.  I love music, all kinds, but it sets my mood.  It can take me back to horrible places.  I can hear a bit of a song as a car drives by and my mood changes.  Sometimes I don't realize it right away.
     I never liked scary movies.  I always felt they were opening a door for the enemy.  Music can be the same thing.  Smells can be do the same damage.  Be aware of what changes your mood.  This country is so numb to the workings of the enemy.  We have such a hard time believing the whole supernatural, spiritual world.  In this country when someone hears voices, we say they are mentally ill and medicate them so we don't have to deal with it, but in other countries they know and acknowledge the person is dealing with demons.  We watch those ridiculous shows where people are trying to make contact with ghosts, lost souls from yesteryear.  They think they are talking with some little girl who was burned in a fire 100 years ago.  Newsflash - that is a demon who is imitating a little girl to get into your heart.  Those people don't seem to realize they are playing in a very dark world and the demons are playing with them.  When little girls die in fires, God doesn't send them to walk halls late at night.  If they are His children He takes His children home.   If they are not...well, you know.

“My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Love or nothing like it?

1 Corinthians 13  New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in partand we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

     As I look back over this last year I realize that the greatest changes, the greatest knowledge, the moments that changed me forever were all about love - the one thing I wanted nothing to do with.

Matthew 22:36-40  New International Version (NIV)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

     I believe as we grow we learn the same lessons over and over but on a deeper level.  Love is not something I am totally comfortable talking about but it is the root of all good things.  Confidence for instance, a child who is loved develops a confidence those who don't feel loved do not have.  Security comes from being loved as does trust.  

      As I look at each significant person placed in my life by God this last year, I either see that they were placed in my life to show me love or placed in my life to teach me to love.  If love is the greatest commandment then wouldn't it make sense that the greatest desire of the enemy is  to make us believe we are unloved?  When things happen to us, don't we question God's love for us?

     It is much easier to love and accept love from those who are like us.  I believe that is how God got His foot in my door.  He placed people around me who have struggled with the same situations and pain that I have struggled with.  Recently He has placed a couple in my life who has not struggled with these same situations.  I realize it is a fear of mine that if you don't understand me how can you say you care?  To be accepted by a person who has had a good life surrounded by the love of their parent's and taught about Jesus from the very beginning who shows me love and acceptance is big in my life.  It shows me even more how huge God's love is.  

     I have talked recently with a person who is what I consider mature in Christ.  He doesn't hear from God like I do, but in different ways.  He wrote recently "I have to be honest, I have a real hard time with this concept of God "speaking" clearly and directly to people. I'd guess it is probably mostly because I don't feel like that is how He communicates with me. Perhaps I'm jealous because if He does do it, then why not with me?" I woke up this morning with this statement on my mind. Because I believe God wants us all to be able to hear His voice, I have to wonder if this is a fear of not being worthy or loved as much as another person. I have to wonder if this isn't the enemy stepping in the middle to stop a showing of love with doubt of that love.
     To experience the enemy as I have with dark shadows, evil faces and obvious attacks seems scary to people who have not had these experiences. But in a conversation recently with a friend who has had many of the same experiences and more, we came to the same conclusion: We would much rather see a shadowy figure come rushing at us than some of the mind games the enemy plays.  The most damage the enemy has done to my life was through my mind, through my thinking, the messages I have heard from him about my lack of worthiness and being loved.  So wouldn't it make sense that the one of the greatest ways for Christ to build a relationship with us through conversation, through hearing His voice?  Maybe some of us need it more than others to believe.  
     I have had several people laugh at me because they say I give God too much credit.  They may not say it with those words, but they laugh when I give God the credit for all good things that happen in my life, no matter how small.  God placed the Holy Spirit inside of us.  He didn't just send Him to us occasionally when things were really bad, or to answer prayers.  He is with us always.  Does He give us a good parking spot when we ask Him to?  I believe He does.  Maybe because sometimes we are willing to walk a little further and leave the good one for the person who needs it more.
     There is a story I have heard a couple times recently about a man years ago who wanted to move his family from a poor country.  He used his savings to buy himself a ticket on a ship to America with the plans of sending for his family once he earned some money.  He packed a little food, but went through it within a couple days.  He was very hungry as he watched the people eating in the dining room and tried to come up with a way that he could pay for a meal.  Then he was approached by a man who told him that all meals were part of the package, part of the price he had paid for the ticket.  There it was, everything he could need and want to eat.  Do you think that desert was part of this or that he was only allowed to eat foods considered to be part of the main course?  I believe he was given the right to deserts.  I believe parking spots are deserts.  
     So the Bible doesn't say when you follow Christ you will get all the good parking spots.  In fact it says we must deny our own flesh, our own selfish ways to follow Him.  That can't be too comfortable.  My flesh is pretty demanding and some times it is difficult to hear God over my screaming flesh.  As a parent those special moments aren't always handing over a new car to your child or providing them with all the "in" toys.  The special moments I like are when you sit and eat an ice cream cone together, when you sit up late talking about life or sitting back and watching them share a special moment with a friend.  Desert moments.
     I have also been accused of blaming everything bad on the enemy.  I'm going to stand by this one.  I do.  I blame him.  Even if it is my fear that stops me from walking into a room and there is no demon anywhere near me, I still blame him.  Why?  Because of all the training I have had over the years, all the times he did tell me I wasn't worthy, people don't like me and all those other negative messages.  Maybe he doesn't have to tell me anymore because I believe it all by myself, but he planted the seed and watered it until it was full grown and now I am stuck eating the harvest.  The One who has reversed that belief is God.
     He reversed it by the people He chose to put in my life.  He reversed it by the way He talks to me all the time.  He has totally turned me around by sending someone to mow my lawn or even by giving me a parking spot for desert.


1 John 4:8  New King James Version (NKJV)8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

Changing, nothing more than changing.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

     Change is hard.  We all have our own normal and it's difficult for other people when we change, but when we change on the inside, it's most difficult for ourselves.  Lately I have been questioning whether I have truly changed.  Then God so graciously allowed me the chance to see that I have.  I was recently faced with a situation that for most of my life, I would have come out verbally swinging, but instead I actually did more thinking than speaking.  In fact I barely said anything at all.  I wasn't sure of the right thing to say, but I definitely knew what not to say (and didn't say it.)

     We all like to know what to expect.  When we are riding in a car and believe the driver is going to take a left, but suddenly they take a right and our balance is thrown off, it just feels weird for a while afterwards.  When somebody makes a major physical change, like cutting off long hair to wear it short or when somebody starts wearing glasses, every time we look at them, we have to pause for a second and confirm we know who we are talking to.  When someone changes behavior (good or bad) we become frustrated because we can't anticipate how we will interact.  But I have found it also frustrating, knowing what not to do and being unfamiliar with the right thing to do.  We want everyone to accept our normal and our normal for them.

     Nick Vujicic has no limbs.  We stare because this does not fit our normal.  If we suddenly lost our limbs there would be a period of adjustment, that Nick never went through.  He never had arms and legs so his normal is different than ours.  Nick knew that God had the power to give him legs and he wanted them badly enough and believed strongly enough that he bought a pair of shoes and kept them in his closet for the big day.  The change did come, but it was not legs on the out side, it was spiritual growth on the inside.  He realized that God made him without limbs for a reason.  

     Years ago my hair was very long and one day when I went in to get it cut, I decided to cut it all off.  I told my friend to hurry up and cut before I changed my mind and she started whacking.  There was a time as I sat there and looked in the mirror as long hair fell to the ground when I realized there was no going back now.  I couldn't leave it how it was with long pieces and short. The middle of change is ugly.  It's uncomfortable and sometimes we don't even want to be seen during that time.  I had to go all the way.  I went through a period not long ago when I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  I wasn't comfortable sitting in a bar, but I was even less comfortable sitting with believers who were living what they believed.  I had to ride it out and accept that God would keep cutting and I would become more comfortable.  It's a challenge especially when the enemy is whispering in your ear.  

     We all want to be the same, accepted and loved.  I believe we are accepted and loved by God more than we will ever know on this earth.  The change is in the realization that He loves us  and as we grow we realize how big that love is.  The enemy has been attacking me for days now and at times, I thought I couldn't stand another second, but I look at the truth.  If he is attacking, I must be upsetting his plan.  I have been trying to focus on Jesus and not the enemy. I've been trying to stay in peace and remember Who is in control and be thankful it's not me.  This morning I woke up with a dark dread and doomed feeling.  I prayed.  God showed up.  The best part of changing is that all you have to do is climb in the chair, hold up the mirror, endure the pain while God chops away the junk.   He knows what needs to go all you have to do is be willing.  Then when it's all done, your hairs gone and you think your looking pretty good, God reaches over to touch your face and you close your eyes anticipating a moment of tenderness, then you feel the hot wax slap across your eyebrows... you realize you will be in the chair the rest of your earthly life.  This is when you find out your true willingness.  Do you expose that hairy back or get up out of the chair?

“[To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

     

Abandonment

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein

     I love it when the Lord brings several different thoughts into my head and then begins to string them together.  The best way I can come up with to explain what He is teaching me this morning is to give a scenario,  Say you are a soldier engaged in battle.  You have confidence because you are surrounded by your troops and you all have a common enemy.  You step out in front and move forward into battle.  Then it happens.  You realize your troops have retreated and you are now surrounded by enemy soldiers.   Another scene would be as a kid, hanging out with your best friend.  You're walking down the street when the neighborhood bully steps into your path.  You can take him, because there are two of you, but then you realize, your friend just high tailed it off toward home and there you stand facing a 6ft beast with fangs, drooling as he is about to make you is midday snack.  Okay, one more.  Your father is about to beat the soup out of you like he has done so many times before.  Your thoughts are something like this, "Maybe this time Mom will speak up.  Maybe this time she will pack our bags and we will leave here for good."  Or "Maybe this time he will kill me." because Mom just walked out the door.  It's too difficult for her to watch.

     When you think about these scenes, what thoughts come to mind?  Where did they go?  Why did they leave me?  You may fight briefly or try to run, but often times, we give up, we give in to the enemy and hope for the best.  I read a book years ago explaining how abusive men were usually abused as children and they have a hatred toward women because their mother's abandoned them, didn't protect them.  As adults they expect their wife to love them enough to rescue them from the darkness, but it's not possible.  So they do what they know and beat her.

     What I am seeing this morning is how the enemy uses abandonment in our society today to show up and imitate God.  We all have a need to be loved and accepted.  When a person is abandoned the hurt is from the one who abandoned them, more than the one who beats the snot out of them.  To abandon someone is like saying, "You have no value.  You are nothing."  This is why street gangs are able to scoop up kids who have no parental attention.  They come home from school while a parent is at work and they sit there alone and bored.  That's when the enemy comes in and says, "You are okay by me.  I accept you."  It seems so backward that we would turn to the one who abused us, but if nobody is there to show us what real love is, we take what we can get.  We focus on what is in front of us.

     Abandonment causes us to settle.  If I am not worthy of love, I will settle for the closest thing I can find.  Abandonment is the opposite of God's greatest commandments to love Him with every part of us and to love each other as ourselves.  Love is an action.  He tells us to care for the poor and the lost, because if we don't show up at their door, the enemy will.

     As we sit idle or are too busy focusing on ourselves and our hurts people are answering to the false security the enemy is offering.  Abandonment works through generations.  It feeds all the other beasts of the enemy like low self esteem, anger, isolation etc.  The power your past has over you needs to be turned around and pointed outward, into your future and into others lives.

     You can only be abandoned by those you expect to stand beside you.  Not all abandonment is intentional.  People die unexpectedly, but there is One and only One who will be with you every minute of every day.  He has been with you every minute of every day and will be from here through eternity if you choose Him.  The real Comforter.

     Part of what God is showing me is how our sense of who is good and who is evil is dulled when people we are supposed to be able to trust hurt us.  Good people do bad things.  Also in the enemy's attempt to imitate Christ, evil people do good things.  I believe there are two ways people react to this confusion.  They trust everybody or they trust no one.  When we are offered comfort when our world is full of hurt or we are offered acceptance when our world is full of rejection, it's difficult to walk away, especially when we are not sure who is good and who is not.  Sometimes we need to find someone further along in their Christian walk to help us determine who to trust.  I pass things by Dave all the time, even when I think I'm sure I know the answer.  My group of trusted friends is growing.  
     You can't judge a book by it's cover.  I have seen young men who appear to be someone you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley jump up to help somebody in need.  I have also seen an elderly woman rip a young store clerk apart with racially motivated name calling.  We have to learn to allow God to show us who is good and who is evil.  And who is influenced by good and who is influenced by evil.  Just because a person calls themselves a believer, doesn't mean you can trust them.  There are Christians who are totally under the influence of a demon.  What better tool for the enemy to use, believers against believers.  Trusting God goes far beyond believing he will provide our next meal.  I believe there are some of us who need to see evil, not to run away from it, but to face it, expose it, and demand it leave whomever it is tormenting.  If we were all afraid of demons, and unable to hear from God, who would enlist in the army of spiritual warriors?

Romans 8:37-39
New International Version (NIV)

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Speak Life

“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging Expanded Edition: New Preface and Discussion Guide by the Author

     I am a minimizer.  I can make a mole hill out of a mountain without blinking.  I am also able to make a mountain out of a molehill so apparently I have trouble with reality.  When it comes to my past, my childhood, I tend to minimize.  It wasn't that bad.  Facing the reality there was extremely painful and maybe I make mountains out of mole hills so that my past looks smaller.

     Last Sunday Dave and I set a date for me to tell my story.  The rest of the day I spent in a fog.  I came out occasionally, just to remember that being in a fog is okay sometimes.  During the next few days I was somewhere between completely numb and somewhat excited.  Swinging like a pendulum.  Then Wednesday night it started.  As I was trying to sleep, I heard noises in my room.  At least I thought I did.  Then a shadow.  Seriously?  I don't need this right now.  Then the faces.  As I would get close to sleep they would flash in front of me.  That's when I couldn't deny it any more.  The enemy was not happy with my decision.  

     I have been an absolute bear the last three days at work.  I have tried desperately to turn my mood around but have failed miserably.  Some may say that I have just had a bad couple days, but I believe it is more than that.  One thing I do to control my mood is to listen to Christian music.  I plug in my earphones, crank it up and nothing gets to me.  Every time I plugged in my earphones, somebody would interrupt me and I would have to remove them.  What I set out to do on Monday, I finally finished today at 7 this evening after everyone else was home.  It should not have taken that long.  I hear the old messages that used to play in my head all the time.  

     I have not once thought of backing out of telling my story.  I am not afraid of the enemy, he is annoying.  Rushing at me, making noises, flashing faces, irritates me.  Getting in the way of my agenda, I have not learned to cope with yet.  

     On the way home tonight, I had a "Duh" moment.  We have all had a kid stand in front of a door with their arms out.  They think they are fooling us, but it is obvious they do not want us to step into that room.  Maybe they spilled something on the carpet, or broke something, and do not want to be in trouble.  They are also really good at hiding their hands behind their back, and when asked, "What do you have?"  they quickly reply shaking their heads, "Nothing."  Well, the enemy's plan has backfired all over him.  I was prepared and I have also prepared for the weeks to come, but what hit me on the way home, was that he is resorting to old behavior, old tricks that he had finally given up on with me.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  This just may be something big.

     The resistance and presence is not scaring me into changing my mind, but it is having the opposite affect.  The more he does not want me to tell my story, the more good I know will come out of it.  He doesn't want his secrets revealed, but I am about to open the door, move out of the way and expose the mess I have called my life.  What has been done to me, what I have done to others are all secrets he wants me to keep, to torture myself with.  In throwing open my door, I pray that others will find the courage to throw open theirs and expose the enemy for who he really is.  He is not a happy-go-lucky guy with horns and a pitchfork sipping a beer and dancing around the room.  

     Where is God in all this.  Laughing at the enemy.  Over the last couple days, every time I have prayed for God to hold back the enemy for a few minutes while I breathe, God did something I didn't expect.  He doesn't want us dwelling in the negative.  He didn't want me focusing on what the enemy was doing.  He wants us to dwell in the positive, in who He wants us to become.  Every time I prayed for relief, He sent me someone who needed encouragement.  He sent me somebody who was experiencing something I have been through.  I would open an email, answer the phone or look up from my work and there would be a person in need for me to encourage.  Not only was I focusing on the positive, but also becoming who He wants me to be.  "Duh"  big time "Duh".  Move away from the enemy and step closer to Jesus, step closer to becoming like Him.  It works.

‎"God doesn't want you dealing with negativity, He wants you dealing with possibility!" - Graham Cooke.

Teamwork

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much”
― Helen Keller

     I was watching my 7 years old grandson warm up with his team before their soccer game.  If you ever want to be cheered up, watch a group of young kids play any type of sports.  There are two little girls on his team who always want to hold hands while they play.  There is one little girl who is always smiling as she runs on the outside of the pack.  They all perform random cartwheels no matter where the ball is.  And my grandson fits right in.
     My grandson is not aggressive.  He likes to hang back at a safe distance, but over the weeks I have seen him take a few more chances each game.  Though a week ago when my daughter was becoming frustrated with his lack of aggression, she told him to get out there and play like "Sonic"  He is a video game junky and Sonic is a hedgehog who rolls up in a ball and really scoots through obstacles.  I'm not quite sure how it happened, because he ran out on the field with a whole new excitement, but in the middle of the huddle of kids surrounding the ball and moving down the field as a unit, my grandson sat down, crossed his legs and began to meditate.  Yep, arms out, middle finger tips touching thumbs and eyes closed.  That was a good belly laugh for most of us.  Not my daughter.
     In the game behind us I watched a young boy get control of the ball and cruise down the field to make a goal with very little resistance.  Of course he burst into tears when he realized he had put the ball in the other teams goal.  I also listened in while a little boy told a female team mate that winning didn't matter as long as they enjoyed playing.
     On this night, watching the team warm up, I noticed a significant improvement in teamwork.  I was impressed.  It made me think of how the body of Christ should work.  Everyone has a role.  God has a game plan for each of us.  We all need to do our part.  Plant a seed and kick the ball to another player for the harvest.  We have teachers, preachers, prayer warriors, comforters, encourager's, etc. etc.  Everybody has a place, an importance.  
     Then it happened.  The giants came onto the field.  The other team somehow appeared much larger than the kids on our team.  Wait!  This isn't fair.  One of those little boys keeps shoving kids on our team.  As a gramma I threatened to go find his gramma and sit next to her. I would probably just pray for her if I would have found her.  Suddenly it wasn't as fun to watch those kids play.  Their team work fell all to pieces.   It was nice to practice, warm up, be a great team, just like in the body of Christ, but we don't like to admit there is an opposing team.  Some of us deny the other team even exists.  Others of us blame everything on the other team.  But we have to remember who wins.  Even though we know who wins we still need to participate and do our part.  We have the best coach. 

“Have you ever wondered why you did not rapture and go to heaven the day you became a Christian? It is because God has work for you to do here on earth! Having gone to heaven, Jesus expects you to be his body on earth. You are his hands, his feet, his voice.”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ