Drowning?

“...You say to God, “I have never seen you provide for me.”
God says to you, “You have never trusted Me.”
― Corallie Buchanan, Watch Out! Godly Women on the Loose

     I believe I was about ten years old when I took swimming lessons.  I had a healthy fear of water.  There were only three of us in the class and the other two were my friends from school.  They both basically knew how to swim.  To graduate from the class we had to jump off the diving board.  I dreaded the day.  When it finally came I stood at the end of the diving board for what seemed like 40 years.  It wasn't a question of whether I could swim or not, it was a question of whether I was ready to die.  If I jumped, I was dead.  I was the only one who knew it.  According to my grandma, I would go to heaven and I was ready because life here kinda sucked.  I jumped.  I knew drowning was not going to be one of those slow motion, hair floating, bubbles gently rising moments, it was going to be an ugly, scary slow death, but it would be over eventually.  As I hit the water I said to God, "Please make it fast."  But like God has done hundreds of times since then, He saved me.  He sent a friend to swim out and drag me back to the side of the pool.  In my panic I just about took her under with me.  She thought it was pretty funny.  I was rather disappointed.  I am still here.

     In an email from Dave one time He said to me, "We're not going to let you drown." and it reminded me of that day on the diving board.  I knew God was telling me to jump and Dave was really saying, "I'll be over here at the side of the pool."  I wonder if God told him I might try to take him under with me in my panic.  

     So my life has been full of diving board moments.  Fear has me by the throat, because I know I will fail and I would rather die.  I have never been afraid of dying.  I have been afraid of failing, looking stupid, being laughed at, hurting someone, and being in pain myself.  Never dying.

     To get anywhere we have to take that first step.  You can sit on the end of the board and dangle your feet forever, you will not drown.  But you will never swim. either.  Every time I step out, God shows up.  Usually in a whole different way than I expected.  Usually in a much bigger way than I expected.  I have stood at the front door waiting, tapping my foot, when He has come in the back door and is waiting on me to realize it.  
     My time on the diving board is getting shorter.  I believe one day there won't even be a pause before I jump.  We may think that God is holding His hand out saying, "After you." We have to make the first move to show we believe and then He steps in and everything goes according to His plan, but I think we have this all wrong.  The first move was His before we were even born.  The first move was on the cross.  He said, "I forgive."  Our move is to say "I believe."

“Faith don't come in a bushel basket, Missy. It come one step at a time. Decide to trust Him for one little thing today, and before you know it, you find out He's so trustworthy you be putting your whole life in His hands.”
― Lynn Austin, Candle in the Darkness