Jezebel, Ahab or Elijah?

Deuteronomy 32:34-35 (NKJV)

34 ‘Is this not laid up in store with Me,
Sealed up among My treasures?
35 Vengeance is Mine, and recompense;
Their foot shall slip in due time;
For the day of their calamity is at hand,
And the things to come hasten upon them.


     God puts it on my heart and until I share, I can't find peace.  Those moments, just before sleep are sometimes crazy.  This seems to be the time the Lord speaks to me the clearest.  I wake up in mid sentence and sometimes scripture.  I wasn't sleeping yet, but I heard the words, "Their foot will slip in due time."  I know God is about love and that is His main concern, but He talks to me about a lot of things and lately it is His anger.  God does say, "That's enough."  There is scripture to back this up and what comes next is not good.
     Immediately when I heard the words, I looked to see what time it was and it was 12:12.  The number 12 refers to government and the Lord is speaking about the government of the Church and the government of this nation.  He is angry.  He has warned and warned and warned.  He has shown me that many leaders are being controlled by demonic spirits and I have prayed their eyes would be open to truth, I have asked Him to forgive them, because they are not aware of the creatures who are controlling them, but God explained to me they are still making a choice.  Even when a demonic spirit is ruling us, we still know right from wrong.  We know we are lying when we tell a lie.  We know we are bullying when we allow our angry outbursts.  These leaders are not turning to God for help and He is the only One who can save them.  Pride, arrogance, control, manipulation, etc. etc.  God is done with it. 
     We should fear the Lord more than we fear the enemy.  He is in charge.  The spirit of religion, witchcraft, and Jezebel are ruling so much of the Church.  But what He has been talking to me about in the last couple days is the spirit of Ahab.  Those who sit back and let the control, the angry outbursts continue are just as guilty as the one who is demanding he knows how things need to be. 
     We are about to see some major churches fall.  We are about to see major leaders fall.  He is speaking more about the Church than national government in this area.  He needs the Church to be ready for new believers to walk in the door.  He is bringing them.  But the arrogance in the Church is chasing them back out the door.  Arrogance, like when a Jehovah's Witness walks through the door to check out this Christianity thing and the pastor makes a crack about JW's.  Where do you think that guy snuck off to?  Back to where he is accepted. 
     Nebuchadnezzar was cut down and driven crazy two live with the wild beasts because of his arrogance.  There is going to be some serious logging going on, because I see a lot of trees coming down.  Those who think it's all about them instead of God.  Those who see what is happening and are not doing anything.  Jezebel can only be taken out by a pastor.  Pastor's aren't doing anything.  Ahab's are giving her control and what is she doing?  She is out killing the one's who are telling the truth.  Why?  Because she knows it is the truth.  In the gut of the person under the spirit of Jezebel, they know the truth is being spoken and yet they choose to do it their own way.  I know of one pastor who has a spirit on him that has 7 arms and scales.  The scales represent pride.  When I asked God what the seven arms meant, He said it is an imitation of Him.  I don't totally understand this, but this person knows they are lying and manipulating and yet they believe they are hearing God.  Anger and confusion is a sure fire sign of who is in control of your thought life.  It's not God.
     My heart is hurting for the people being hurt, by these demonically influenced leaders.  I have comforted baby Christians who have been deeply wounded by these people,  Even though these leaders know something is wrong, they are too arrogant to reach out for help.  They speak words their actions don't support.  For instance, I heard a pastor say we don't need to be doing spiritual warfare, just give it to God, yet I know of a time this pastor brought a team to a house to drive out demons.  It was more than one time, so why doesn't his words back up his actions?  Actions and words don't line up.  He is under demonic influence of Jezebel and all those under his teaching, all those pastors under his authority are in danger.  We are in the last days and Jezebel is back stronger than ever.  Pray for the Elijah spirit to return and finally put that witch in her place.
     The Jezebel spirit can sit dormant in a person for years and when an old wound is reopened, all hell breaks loose as she comes out in a rage.  This is why forgiveness and the healing of old wounds is so important.
     Some of the signs you are under the spirit of jezebel
1. You refuse to admit guilt or wrongdoing
2. Lies - very well I might add
3. Talks in circles
4. Takes credit
5. Volunteers in many areas
6. Criticizes
7. Ignores people
8. Accuses others of being under the influence of Jezebel
9. Domineering
10. Vengeful
11. Acts religious
12. Knows it all
13. Demands forgiveness, but does not forgive
14. Puts words in other peoples mouth
15. Loves to Vent
16. Exaggerates
17. Independent
18. Withholds information
19. Likes to use the element of surprise
20. Commands attention

     There are many other signs.  I would suggest reading a good book on Jezebel.  "Confronting Jezebel" by Steve Sampson or "Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit" by John Paul Jackson.  If you have the spirit on you the first thing it will do is point toward someone else.  Before you read a book like this I would pray that God show you what you need to see and that he blind you from the rest.  We all have a degree of desire to control in us, so if anything touches you repent right away.  Repentance is the only way out of this.  We have to be brave and ask God to show us the truth.  His patience with people under this spirit is just about out.  This spirit loves to fill us with fear.  But, we have all the authority we need and moving closer to Jesus is the way.  If you are dealing with this spirit go straight to God and listen to Him.  Make sure it is Him by checking to see if His words line up with scripture. 
     The other night in a vision the Lord gave me a picture of a white wolf.  It was sitting with it's back to me and howling.  I asked the Lord what it meant.  I said to Him that white means pure.  Very clearly the Lord spoke to me and said, "It is still a wolf."  The fact that it was howling meant something too.  It represented the voice of a wicked person.  The Lord had me watch a movie where very likeable thieves were stealing jewelry and taking it to a jeweler and he would change it up so it wasn't recognizable.  Say they gave him a ring.  He would melt down the gold and reset the stone in a different ring.  He would say repeatedly, "It comes in dirty and it goes out clean."  The Lord said, "It is still stolen."  Even though the criminals were likeable they were still criminals.  We have to pray for discernment.  I have said it before and I will say it again, it is so necessary in these days we are living in.  If your spirit says something is wrong - listen!  Go to God and if you can't be sure you are hearing Him, go to a person away from those you know.  The enemy does not take over one persons life without taking a few around him.  If you rely on one person to tell you what is going on in the spiritual realm, you could be in deep trouble.  Go to someone who doesn't know those around you and ask them to pray with you.  Ask for words of knowledge and prophecy and then check them with God and scripture. 
     God is waiting for you.  He hears your prayers and He sees your tears.  Just this morning He had me read about Hezekiah and until this morning I had never heard of him.  It's a good read.  If you are not in God's will, and you are misleading or hurting His flock, He will take you out.  BUT, He will hear your cries of repentance if you are willing to repent.  He is listening.  Are you?
     We are born sinners, destined for hell.  As we look up out of the pit, there is Jesus and in His hand He is holding out the cross for us to grab hold of so He can lift us out.  But, it is our choice to grab on or to stay in the hell we are in.  If we are not living in His will, we are living in the will of Satan.
     I am going to sleep now and I will decide whether God wants this one posted in the morning.  Well, it's morning and I guess this is a go - I am praying for every person who reads this and needs to see the truth will see it.  That God opens eyes through this writing.  I am praying for you.  Jesus loves you.

Revelation 2:20-22

New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols. ²¹ I have given her time to repent of her immorality, but she is unwilling. ²² So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, and I will make those who commit adultery with her suffer intensely, unless they repent of her ways.

Free Will - Means to Make a Choice.

“You were saved when you believed in Jesus, but you were transformed when you realized He believed in you.” - Kris Vallotton


      So, you're a little girl about 14 years old and an angel appears in front of you.  "Even though you are a virgin, never touched by a man, you will conceive and give birth to the Son of God."  Yeah, okay, sounds good to me.  Really?  We think what God asks us to do is difficult?  Can you imagine what was going on in Mary's head as she stood there looking at this angel with his far out word of prophecy.  Do you think it may have crossed her mind, what everyone else is going to think about this?  Who will believe it?
     There are several stories in the Bible that must have brought up these same emotions.  Really God?  Is that you?  Moses standing at the sea, the army coming at him, wanting him dead and all these people looking to him to save them.  Did it go through his mind to drop the old walking stick and run?  Trusting that God is going to show up is not always easy. 
     We tend to think that our situations are unique, but you read in the bible long enough and you will find that story that resonates with your spirit.  That story that could be about you.  How many of our stories could have been written somewhere in between Abraham and Moses?  These people had to have the same doubts and questions we have.  We can't help but wonder what they went through in their hearts and minds, before they courageously said, "Yes, Lord.  I will trust You!"  and then He came through for them. 
     What about the ones who failed?  What about the ones, who lied, ran, took what they wanted?  I have found a common theme in most of those stories.  Let's start with David and Bathsheba.  David wanted what was not his.  He was a king with everything, but greed drove him to take another man's wife.  Well, another man's life.  His buddy Saul had the same affliction.  He was afraid, in all his greed, that David was going to take his kingdom and he wasn't about to stand back and give it up.  Greed and jealousy walk hand in hand.  When we want it all, we are not happy with those who have what we don't.  Jealousy.  A result of greed and jealousy is control.  Jezebel is the ultimate example of a control freak wanting it all.  The first thing she does is align herself with those she can use to get it all, those who will not fight her.  Control is easiest over the weak.  Who does she hate most?  Those who speak truth.  Truth is her enemy.  
     If we break this down a little bit, we see that jealousy and greed produced Satan.  He was a beautiful worshipping angel who decided he wanted to be the one worshipped.  Greed and jealousy were and continue to be behind every sin.  Me, me, me causes sin.  Sin could stand for Satan Is Narcissistic.  The cure for sin is submission to God.  If we are totally submitted to God, Jezebel/Satan will run from us.  Our authority is in our submission.
     Satan wants us to be rebellious toward God.  When we are rebels, we are serving Satan.  But our submission is our protection.  We have to give up total control.  Any time we try to control another person or situation we are not in God's will.  He has given all of us free will and to control someone is taking that gift that was given to them by God. 
     I know the things God asks us to do are very difficult at times.  We feel like that pregnant teen standing in the middle of the square, engaged to a man who we have never touched and judged by all who are standing there with stones in their hands.  But, what did God do?  He showed up.  He sent an angel to Joseph.  He always supplies us with the support we need either through other people, things, His word and/or Himself.  He will always lift us up when we obey.  Joseph married Mary, knowing she spoke truth.  Why?  Because God told him through an angel.  God will always confirm truth.  Through their obedience they were kept safe. 
     Sometimes I wish God would send an angel to tell me what is about to go down and how to handle it.  Maybe an email in black and white.  I have not been blessed in that way, but He has sent people to tell me I am on the right track, keep speaking truth, and don't take my eyes off Him.  He has sent books, scripture, and friends to confirm what I have heard.  You protect your integrity and I will protect your reputation.  He has told me this several times.  It's true.  He is.  The Lord is Truth and the Devil is a lie.  We have to choose who we will follow.  The sad part is there are so many who will not speak the truth (peace keepers) and what they don't realize is saying nothing is siding with the enemy.  They are making a choice who to follow, by not making a choice.  This is an Ahab spirit aligned with Jezebel and just as evil. 
     Truth is the only way.  Obedience to that truth is love.

“We need to understand that our circumstances never cause heart issues, they only reveal them.”

Kris Vallotton

 

The Dream

Ezekiel 34:7 (NIV)

7 “‘Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the Lord:


     Obedience is not always easy.  But it is the only way.  This is one of those times.  It was a little over a month ago in the middle of the day, I was busy doing something, when a picture flashed through my mind.  It was a man's genitals.  Instantly I told God, "I don't know where that came from.  I'm sorry God."  Before I could say anymore He interrupted, "You made it sexual.  To me it is only a body part."  After a few seconds, I asked if He had put that in my head or was it the enemy.  He took responsibility.  I right away thought about how many times I had heard God does not give us sexual visions or dreams.  The Lord's answer to me was, "Remember Adam?  The fig leaf was his idea."  Okay, so is there a point to this little exercise?  Or are you just pointing out the differences between my thoughts and Yours, Lord?
     About a week later, I realized there was a lot more to it than I knew.  I woke up one morning totally disgusted by a dream I had.  I was busy rebuking evil spirits and begging God for forgiveness.  I'm sorry Lord, I know that was the enemy.  Or was it?  God??
     "That was from Me."
     "I don't believe it, Lord.  That was sick."
     "I wanted you to see how sick it really is."
     I started my day without talking about it any further.  This was not going to be talked about with anyone else either.  The old teaching of God does not give perverted dreams was far out weighing my trust that He was giving me a message.  There has to be something wrong here.  That had to be the enemy.  If it was You Lord, interpret the dream.  Tell me what it meant.
     First off He explained the man in the dream.  He was from the 70's with long brown hair swept to the side.  He wore a green T-shirt and jeans.  What was he doing?  He was raping sheep.  There was no nudity.  And even though I knew they represented the whole flock there were only two sheep.  Their faces were almost cartoonish as one's expression was disgust and the other's was confusion.  Explain this dream to me Lord. 
     "Man in his natural state is raping my flock.  Even though they know something is wrong, they continue to trust the shepherd."
     It was over the next few days and actually weeks that I would come back to the Lord and ask Him to explain more.  One day, out of the blue, the Lord asked me, "Why were there only two sheep?"
     I knew they represented the whole flock, but it was true, there were only two.  I immediately got the word division.  Some see it and they are disgusted and leave, while the others continue to trust.  This is dividing the Church.  Those who are leaving are left wandering, looking for a shepherd they can trust.  But now they are looking through fear.
     I asked the Lord for another word about what He wanted me to know.  I heard the word, "Wolf".  Well, obviously.  Not much of a clue.  Remembering the man was from the 70's I googled the 70's and as I read something stood out to me "Tom Wolfe"  He wrote an article called "The Me Decade and the Third Great Awakening" 
     Okay God, what does that mean?  The shepherds are in it for themselves.  Rape is about control.  Sex with an unwilling partner is about meeting your own needs and not caring how the other party feels or what they want.  The Me Decade! 
     There was one more important piece of the dream that I had forgotten about until this conversation with the Lord.  For one split second before the dream ended, I saw he did not have human genitalia.  He had a dogs.  First of all, that makes sense if he is a wolf.  Second, the Lord asked me what a dog means to me.  Well, it can mean a demonic spirit, but I also believe it can mean an unbeliever.  The Lord said, "He is doing it to them with his unbelief.  His unbelief is allowing the demonic to control him."
     Now what?  Now the anger comes.  Why?  Why is he doing this, but more importantly WHY are you telling me?  Why?  What do you want me to do about this?  Who is this shepherd?  The Lord said it is more than one.
     Why would He give me this dream?  I have prayed about it.  I have prayed for the leadership and pastors who are being deceived.  I have doubted it was God and finally asked for confirmation.  A word from the Lord should be backed up by scripture.  Ezekial 34 was the first scripture He gave me and then 2 Peter 2 and the list went on.  Because I do not know the Bible like I want to, I know it was really Him giving me scripture.
     This morning, again, I asked why He would give me this dream and why He would ask me to share it here.  He began by comparing a shepherd raping sheep to a child being molested.  Hmm.  Maybe this is because of my anger at the people who blindly follow.  I don't feel that anger anymore.  In fact since the dream, my heart has grown hugely for the flock.  I remember as a little girl knowing what was happening was wrong, but aren't we all supposed to trust adults?  He had told me at one time that I would be working with abusers.  Now I had to ask exactly what that meant. 
     The Lord has told me how angry he is.  Over and over he has explained to me how it upsets Him when He sends someone out to represent Him and they only think of themselves.  He has also shown me how His heart aches for these shepherds who are being deceived and greedy.  Who are wounded and it is through those wounds that they are being deceptive.  Exactly why the sexual abuser abuses, because they once were abused.  These shepherds were abused by religion, so they turn around and do the same.  Religion once controlled them, so now they will control religion.  The whole cycle is very sick.
     He also explained that without repentance those who harm a child, be it literal or spiritual will suffer.

Luke 17:2 (TLB)

^2-3 If he were thrown into the sea with a huge rock tied to his neck, he would be far better off than facing the punishment in store for those who harm these little children’s souls. I am warning you!
“Rebuke your brother if he sins, and forgive him if he is sorry.

     There is also scripture about responsibility.

1 Peter 5:2-3                    
Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.

1 Timothy 3:1-16           
The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?

     Now, the flock is to respect and honor their leaders, but that's not what this dream was about.  We do have a responsibility to NOT put man above God.  I have done this.  It is not right.  Man will fail us and putting him on a pedestal does harm to both of you.
     We do have a responsibility to check all teachings with the bible.  ALL.  We cannot put our salvation in another person's lap.  It is our responsibility.  Even though the responsibility of being a shepherd is huge, he is only a messenger and we are to check the messages.  The enemy will twist the truth.  It does not have to be a bold faced lie to be deceptive.  It's okay to judge a shepherds behavior in fact we should be judging the shepherds behavior.  And we should give grace and mercy if he repents.
     A good shepherd will answer your questions when you ask him to prove himself.  I know this, because I am always asking the Shepherd of all Shepherds.  He loves to engage in conversation.


1 Thessalonians 5:14-18

14 Dear brothers, warn those who are lazy, comfort those who are frightened, take tender care of those who are weak, and be patient with everyone. 15 See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to everyone else. 16 Always be joyful. 17 Always keep on praying. 18 No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Guilt is okay for the Proud.

“If you want to fight hell and the power of darkness that seek to destroy the hearts of our daughters, I know a type of spiritual warfare that creates value in a daughter's spirit. It is called "Taking your Daughter out for tea" or "Going to Her Soccer Game", and it works in direct opposition to the agenda of hell and darkness that wants to destroy their lives.”
― Jim Anderson, Unmasked: Exposing the Cultural Sexual Assault


      My favorite subject - beating the enemy.  I was trying to sleep.  It was 1:30 in the morning and I could hear my friend downstairs on the phone.  She was doing battle.  On the phone she had a girl, a young girl who was being attacked by the enemy.  I in my selfish need for rest wanted her to be quiet doing it.  Yes, I still fight my selfishness.  But then she came up the stairs to my room, she was going to leave to do battle in person and wanted advice, wanted anything I had to give that would help her with this battle.  She asked me to go with her.  "No.  My God it's the middle of the night."  Yes, I am that selfish at times.  After she left my room and it was quiet, I heard the Lord.  Really?  Do you remember the nights you were under attack and alone.  The nights the dark spirits were dive bombing at you and you couldn't even think straight and how badly you wanted another human voice to say, "It's okay?"  The nights when the enemy could still shut out My voice? 
     I jumped up out of my bed and ran downstairs, "I'll go.  I will go.  Give me a minute to throw on clothes."
     It had been a while since I fought the enemy for someone else.  I clean my house of any ungodly spirits and fight personal attacks, but to go out and defend another, I have not done for quite awhile.  It was a 10 - 15 minute drive, so we prepared.  We asked God to go before us and prepare hearts, to give us direction and make his presence known.  This girl was very young and her aunt who was with her was not much older.  
     We did not leave there until after 5 am.  We found the aunt had a stronger spirit on her than the girl.  It still amazes me how this petite, beautiful little girl can look so innocent and then when you make eye contact, you see the enemy.  He is daring you.  I have found in my experience, the first and most important thing to do is lighten the mood.  We are all too serious when this doesn't have to be a big deal.  After lighthearted introduction didn't squash the fear of this thing manifesting in some scary way, the second most important thing to do is remind everyone who is in charge.  God's got this.  We have all authority and they only do to us, what we allow.  That's when you address the enemy.  You tell him how it's going to go down.  See, we don't allow manifesting.  He is not allowed to make a scene.  He leaves in a quiet little cough or a yawn and that is all he is allowed to do.  
     The Lord was talking to us.  He was telling us awesome things about these two girls.  How much He loves them, how precious they are to Him and what wonderful things He has planned for them.  Most of the warfare was done through explaining to these two daughters of the King, exactly who He sees when He looks at them.  It became obvious right away that these girls never felt heard.  We were there to listen.  They never felt like anyone cared what they had to say.  Their family had been beaten up by the enemy for several years through addiction, sexual abuse, witchcraft, etc. etc.  
     These girls weren't ready to let go of the familiar spirit they had lived with most of their lives, and if they aren't ready to let go, we can't force them.  But we did plant the seeds of love the Father had for them.  Quietly this fragile little girl who had been tormented by spirits her whole life whispered, "I want God to prove His existence to me."  By the look on her face, I believe she felt as though she were saying something wrong, but we prayed and we asked God, "Lord this little girl wants to know you.  Please show yourself, show her who You truly are."  I had to warn her to be prepared.  Pay attention to all that goes on around her, because He shows up in some awesome ways that leave you rubbing your eyes and asking yourself if that just happened. 
     It's so easy for society to believe in angels, because we want them to be around us.  It's not so easy for us to believe in demons because who wants them?  But they are real and some people are tormented before they are ever pushed from the womb.  They are scared into, beaten into believing there is something wrong with them.  But I take it as a compliment.  If the enemy isn't messing with you, you must not be living right. 
     Spiritual warfare is not only telling the enemy to go, it's more about inviting the Holy Spirit to come.  We want Him to take over our mind, body and soul so there is no room for the enemy.  We will be going back to pray for these girls again.  We will leave the seeds there to grow.  The hunger to know Jesus grows and the enemy will not like it. 
     The thing the Lord has been showing me lately is how these tormented girls are actually blessed.  When you have seen the dark side, it makes you run toward the light.  God has shown me lately how many people think that when this is over they have a ticket into heaven.  They think just because they believe, they are in.  Well, the enemy believes, he knows the bible inside and out and he isn't going to heaven.  It's not about believing, it's about following.  It's about getting out of bed at 1:30 because God sent you out.  It's about your own will being ignored and God's will being all that matters. 
     I watched a show the other night about a "deeply religious and devoted to Jesus family"  As I was watching the show I was totally blown away, but what they thought was okay.  The bible says that God will judge the unbeliever, but we are to judge our brothers and sisters in Christ.  We are to point out their sin IF God tells us too.  As I watched this family talk of bikini waxing and sex in a very vulgar way, I could feel the Father's sadness, because this was being portrayed as acceptable behavior on television. 
     I asked the Lord what He wanted me to know about this.  What did He want me to do?  If I still fight selfishness, how do I know that I will be with Him for eternity?  We are supposed to obey, obeying is loving Him.  We are forgiven if we repent.  Repentance is not talked about enough.  The willingness to allow God to shine His light into our hearts and show us where we need to change is the answer.  To be totally 100% submitted.  When we rebel, we must repent.  But we are supposed to give grace?  He guides the humble and teaches them His ways (Psalm 25:9)

James 4:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud
    but shows favor to the humble.

 

 

     To admit wrong, humble yourself and repent, change your ways, brings that grace He so much wants to give us.  He explained to me, why as a leader, as an example to others we must be healed, we must address our sin.  A church with infants as leaders is a place where the guilty can hide and feel safe from the condemnation of hell, but a church with leaders who have testimonies, true testimonies of how He brought them from sin to total redemption is a church with humble leaders who do not make those  who are still oppressed feel rejection.  We represent Christ and we can't do that if we give the message that sin is acceptable.  A sinful heart is changeable and striving for that is what brings us into a divine intimate relationship with our Lord and savior.  Denial of sin, refusal to change is rebellion, it is prideful and the Lord opposes those who do not humble themselves.  Someone who still drinks milk is not able to teach another how to chew meat.

     One thing the Lord had me tell these beautiful daughters of His, was that He knows exactly where they are at in their journey and given all that they have been up against He is pleased with them.  They have a lot to learn, they have a lot to realize about who they are in Him and the authority they have, but they are reaching, humbly reaching out to touch His robe.  That's all He wants. 

 

1 Corinthians 5 (NIV)

5 It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do not tolerate: A man is sleeping with his father’s wife. 2 And you are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have gone into mourning and have put out of your fellowship the man who has been doing this? 3 For my part, even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. As one who is present with you in this way, I have already passed judgment in the name of our Lord Jesus on the one who has been doing this. 4 So when you are assembled and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, 5 hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh,[a][b] so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.

6 Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough? 7 Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. 8 Therefore let us keep the Festival, not with the old bread leavened with malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[c] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

 

 

 

 

Is that a Mirror?

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”
― C.S. Lewis



      Lesson 444 in growing with God.  This one was a little HUGE.  I've been under attack a lot lately.  The Lord said there are people praying for me, but they are praying out of God's will for me.  They don't mean to harm me, but they are opening doors for the enemy.  I have been breaking off these curses and doing spiritual warfare daily.  He told me specifically someone is praying against my writing.  That's okay, because He is my strength.  But then came the big lesson.
     I was having a little pity party on my couch.  Just me and God.  I was telling Him how unfair life is.  It started out with a lot of, "Why did you even put this person in my life?  Why can't they see the truth?  I asked you to prove you care about me and you give me this person?"  Then I asked Him straight out, "How can someone be so angry they could be so mean?"  Then three little words, He said back to me, "You're asking me?"  Wham!!  Who better to know how anger can affect behavior.  I have been angry and therefore mean, most of my life.  Oh yeah, I have cut some people with my words.  I have made people cry.  It's just like He reaches over, grabs a mirror off the table and holds it up in front of my face.  Ouch!  I began the defense.  What do you expect to come out of me?  I have been abused by half a dozen men in my life and now this one, of course I am pissed off and I have every right to be.  Plus, my anger has gotten so much better.  I have forgiven so much stuff.  I can't change over night.  I have come a long way.  Then I heard, "You have healed a lot of your wounds, but he hasn't."  Ouch. 
     How many times have I done this in my life?  I expect people to understand my behavior is a result of my life, but I don't give others the same.  This person does have old wounds that were never healed.  While I am yelling repentance, responsibility and admission of wrong doing, the Lord is asking me to pray for his healing.  How can I not?  When you look in the mirror and see how your wounds have affected your life and you ask God to heal you, how can you not have compassion for people with the same reaction to their wounds.  I get it!
     Then He wanted to take it one step further, because He is like that.  How did your behavior penetrate his wounds?  Those old wounds that we ignore and think we have healed can be so easily reopened by the right person.  I was beginning to see how my actions have felt like betrayal, even if I did not mean it that way.  Emotions tied to old wounds are not always in correct alignment.  Our emotions tied to an old wound have only matured as much as the wound has healed. 
     So many times all we see is an other's behavior, but we don't stop to look at how we instigated that behavior.  Sometimes intentional, but most times unintentional.  When we find out we have stuck our sharp little finger in an old wound we didn't even realize was there, we can better understand the reaction.  No matter if it's intentional or not, an apology could cause some healing.  So many times we speak from broken, immature emotions and usually it's those times that people look at us as though we have lost our mind, but it's impossible to act and react in a healthy way when we have an unhealed wound.  We all have them.
     After all this deep talk and mirror looking with the King, I have come to the conclusion that healing is the priority.  I have several friends who have a heart for the unbeliever and I do to, but I don't feel called to them.  My calling is more toward the person who has been sitting in church for years and they haven't changed one bit.  They have not experienced the full love and freedom of a relationship with Christ.  I especially feel for those who can't figure out why, after they have followed all the rules. 
     We have to stop hiding behind His grace and mercy and dismissing our unhappiness to a "I'm never going to get this right" mentality.  We have to open up our heart and let Him shine His light in on the darkness, the brokenness and heal it.  Healing has to happen before we can fully accept His love, forgiveness, freedom, grace and mercy. 
     I think too many of us live with that childhood fear that grabs our throat after hearing, "Wait until your father gets home."  We expect the Lord to shoot out a bolt of lightning and catch us in the back side.  But trust this, His discipline is gentle, shoot often times for me it's just the holding up of a mirror.  He wants more than anything to shine His light in the dark places of our heart so we can fully accept everything He is.  Seriously, when He shows us where we are lacking and we can fix that part of us, it gives us even more understanding of others and even more than that, a deeper understanding of His love for us.  He held up the mirror and hit me with the truth - not the other way around.  Ha.

“A carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying “Why?”
― Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart: Putting On the Character of Christ 

  

Grace and Forgiveness

Romans 6:15-18 (NIV)

Slaves to Righteousness

15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! 16 Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. 18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
 
     I have talked to so many people who think that to forgive someone is to allow them to continue in their behavior. This faulty belief system has stopped so many from forgiving.  It's really sad.  To forgive does not mean you can't walk away. 
     An abusive husband, parent, a friend who continually lies, a thief, no matter how you have been wronged and how many times you forgive you do not have to allow the person to stay in your life.  Grace, mercy and forgiveness are not a license to keep on sinning.  One verse really caught my attention.

Psalm 84:11

 

¹¹ For Jehovah God is our Light and our Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will he withhold from those who walk along his paths.

 

     He who walks along the Lord's path, not his own.  The Lord wants us to forgive and give grace and mercy, but he does not want us to be abused.  We are to forgive 7 times 70 but as C.S. Lewis says, we don't put the child molester back in the classroom. 

     God sometimes will have us speak into another's life, and continue in a friendship to speak that truth, but I believe He does not ask us to tolerate abuse and lies.  If your husband is cheating and has promised to change 100 times and failed, God says you can go.  If your friend lies to you regularly, God doesn't expect you to believe them, just because He asked you to forgive them.  Go!

     A person who is truly pursuing God, truly trying to walk the narrow path can be set free from addiction and bad behavior, but if they say, "Don't judge me.  Give me grace."  Do it and walk away.  A person who cannot see that they are doing wrong and hurting others will demand grace, but grace is a free gift given, so if a person is demanding it from you, then it's not really a gift anymore is it?  Give it to them anyway and walk away.  Go!

    

“...here also forgiving does not mean excusing. Many people seem to think it does. They think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that there was really no cheating or bullying. But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive. (This doesn't mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise. It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart - every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.)”
― C.S. Lewis, Fern Seed And Elephants

 

 

His Hand.

“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity  


     Most of us have a friend with a spoiled child.  You know that one you don't want to be seen in public with, because it's embarrassing.  The kid runs wild and free wanting more and more and it's all laid out in front of them.  You wait patiently or the day when Daddy's hand meets their backside and you almost feel guilty for wanting to see it happen.  This kid has no respect for anything or anyone and runs wild doing whatever enters their mind. 
     Most of the time these kids will finally run into a bully who sets them straight when they get older.  All of a sudden they realize that they can't have their way just because they want it.  They take what is not theirs, they go where they should not go, they get into other's business and Daddy just stands their seemingly doing nothing. 
     Then one day, just as you predicted, the bully beats the soup out of them and they run to Daddy crying.  At least we hope that's what they do.  The other option that some take is to run in agreement with the bully.  Sounds like our country doesn't it?
     Daddy's just about had enough and I believe He has turned us loose to be beat up by the bully's of this world.  Don't we deserve it?  We need a good spanking.  The Lord is that Daddy who knew what was going to happen if we did not listen.  We can try blaming it on Him, but really? 
     A lot of people live in their cozy little homes and have no idea what is going on next door.  Close the blinds and pretend everything is okay.  What we don't see does not exist?  I can see the day coming when the hand comes down and we all stand here with our hands behind our backs, covering our backsides with a pasted on face that reads, "I'm so sorry, Daddy.  Will you save me now."  But the consequences are most likely going to take place, no matter what we do with our eyelashes. 
     Too many people live with the false idea that everything will be okay as long as we are sorry.  I don't think so.  Sorry is not enough if we go right back out there and behave the same way.  It's scary to think about how many people believe they are God fearing, heaven bound, believers that have a big surprise coming.  Like that spoiled child they think they can do whatever they want as long as they have a little confession time with the Father.  But I believe Dad is saying, "That's it.  It is time for you to grow up, listen to me and change your ways."  I believe the hand bringing the pain to our rears is in motion, 
     You know that spoiled kid who just keeps doing the same thing over and over and you wonder if they will ever learn?  They use their Daddy's grace to continue in that life of misbehaving.  He is a good Dad.  He loves us right?  The greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  When you do this, you want to behave.  The desire to do those things that used to make you happy, goes away.  We all falsely sit on our couches watching things we shouldn't watch, drinking more than we should drink and saying things we shouldn't say.  But think about that spoiled kid.  If that child could just understand, truly understand how much his Daddy loves him, wouldn't he want to behave?  Wouldn't he want to please Dad?  He wouldn't want to do those things he used to do.
     We see those kids from healthy homes, where they know they are loved.  They do something good and look for Daddy's approval.  They expect Daddy's approval because they know they are going to receive it.  They know if they do nothing right, Daddy still loves them.  But they want to do right, because they love Him.  I think the most important thing for someone to do who struggles with sin, who does what they know they should not be doing, instead of making excuses, should totally focus on and study how much God loves them.  It sounds a little self absorbed for us who are dysfunctional, but He wants us to know.  I believe He wants that more than just about anything.  What a country, what a world this would be if each one of us knew how truly saturated in God's love we are.  If we knew it, then that's all that would flow out of us. 
     Remember the teacher who drilled holes in the paddle so what?  We would feel eternal pain?  The Father allowed the holes to be drilled through His Son's hand so we would feel eternal love.

John 3:14-18

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up:
¹⁵ That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
¹⁶ For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
¹⁷ For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
¹⁸ He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

    

Addiction

“Jesus beckons me to follow him to that place of weakness where I risk the vulnerability of a child so that I might know how strong my Father is and how much he loves me. But truth be told, I would rather be an adult. I'd rather be in a place where I can still pull things together if God doesn't show up, where I risk no ultimate humiliation, where I don't have to take the shallow breaths of desperation. And as a result, my experience of my heavenly Father is simply impoverished.”
― Gary Haugen International Justice Mission


     Addiction is a powerful tool of the enemy.  Some time in a child's life a wound is inflicted.  Maybe it comes from a word or an action, but the wound is on the soul.  As the child grows the enemy whispers in their ear, constantly, "You are no good.  It is your fault.  You should be ashamed of yourself."  The shame grows deep in the soul and the torment gets more and more intense.  Then one day the enemy whispers, "This will make you feel better."  Maybe it's alcohol, a drug, porn, or eating, but it becomes a crutch.  It becomes the only freedom from the torment.  You try to stop, but when you do the pain from the unhealed wound becomes intense again.  It may be from such an early age that you don't even remember what the wound is. 
     You try not to fail again, but the need to escape the shame and pain is too intense, so you pick up the pipe, bottle, fork and the cycle goes around again.  You find that relief but it doesn't last as long as it used to and you are back to the torment, but the shame is even greater.  You have failed.  Just as the enemy told you that you would, you have failed again.  More drugs, more drink, more food, more, more, more and each little escape becomes shorter in duration. 
     You reach out for help, but nobody see the enemy in your ear.  It touches your family, your friends, your ability to work and have fun.  Like a plague it slowly takes over your world.  He has you right where he wants you.  Driving down the road, even on a good day, you suddenly hear him, "One little turn of the wheel and this pain will all be gone."  It's a temptation hard to ignore.  Then you hear him again, "You won't hurt any more, your family won't hurt anymore, the pain of your shame and guilt will all be over and peace will be every where."  This is a lie from the enemy.  First if you have not given your heart to Jesus, if you have not totally surrendered your life to him, you will spend eternity in hell.  Second, your family and friends will experience a new pain, a pain with no hope of you finding peace. 
     I have experienced this, on my way to church, looking forward to being with God, family and friends.  Things have been going well and then he whispers.  Why is it such a temptation?  The pain is a secret.  Sometimes it's even a secret from us.  We don't know or understand where it is coming from and why it is so deep.  Our lives may look good, like all is going well, but we can't escape that gnawing pain that has been there as long as we can remember.  We can't seem to find that one thing that we know we need, but we don't know what it is. 
     This is spiritual warfare.  This is what all addicts have to know to find peace.  The enemy has had you in his grip for so long, it is what you know.  We have to be taught how to fight the enemy, how to shut him up when he whispers in our ears.  "You will feel better with one little drink.  A good porn will take away this anxiety.  A box of chocolates will ease the hurt."  These are all lies the enemy uses to keep us running in circles. 
      I believe our treatment for addiction needs to be looked at differently.  We need to first, pray off any demonic strongholds, any presence that is whispering in our ears and keeping us captive.  Then we have to learn how to replace the lies of the enemy with the Truth of Christ and realize who we really are.  This is taking every thought captive, even those that are not ours and discern the lies of the enemy.  Then dig down, find that wound, talk about it, face it, and heal it.  Forgiveness closes the door on the enemy.  Forgiveness of others and ourselves.  We are not responsible for what the enemy does but we can learn how to be responsible for how we react.  We have to be taught who we are in Christ.  We have to be taught how to shut up the lies satan has been drilling into our heads.  We can't do it alone.  Society has to change it's belief that we choose this life, this addiction.  The enemy wants us to isolate, to believe we are alone.  The enemy is a LIAR!
     The Lord wants us to be free of addiction more than anyone else does.  He wants us to replace the enemy's lies with His Truth to truly set us free.  No more shame, no more guilt, no more secrets.  If you expose what the enemy is doing it takes away his power.  Please, pray that every addict will find freedom, Freedom in Christ. 

My heart is so heavy. I was sitting down this morning to catch up on FB, post Birthday blessing for my daughter....and I read one of my mom's from my mom's group-Crystal....just lost her 22 year old son this morning to a heroin OD after being 96 days clean. She is devastated. She wants to "go be with him". Oh please...this is not a choice.... These people are sick and we need a cure and compassion and to quit saying it is a choice! They are dropping right and left. No one chooses to be dead...this was not suicide, but many people do think suicide is their only way out....one mom RIGHT now is with her son in the hospital because he purposefully ran his car into a semi, another family is making the arrangements for a funeral because their son hung himself. These are people who have desperately fought their addiction in shame and with little compassion by the community for their disease. Many going to multiple treatment centers. Many struggling with co-disorders that precipitated the addiction. My son is one of those. Something has to change.

Monica Weidert

    

The Body, The Family

Genesis 3:14-15 (TLB)

14 So the Lord God said to the serpent, “This is your punishment: You are singled out from among all the domestic and wild animals of the whole earth—to be cursed. You shall grovel in the dust as long as you live, crawling along on your belly. 15 From now on you and the woman will be enemies, as will your offspring and hers. You will strike his heel, but he will crush your head.”


     I believe I have seen the enemy's plan. The Lord has exposed him through dreams and visions.  There are probably many people who are aware of this already, but it's becoming more and more clear to me.  We have to pray against this.  The enemy is an imitator of Christ.  He is not clever enough to come up with his own plans so he imitates the One who is all knowing.  God told the enemy his head would be crushed by man, so the enemy is attempting to crush man's head.   
     How do you kill or paralyze a living being?  You separate its body from it's head.  Way back in the beginning the Lord threatened the head of the enemy and now the enemy is using that same strategy.  Jesus is the head and we are the body.  The enemy can't take out Jesus, but he is trying to separate the body from the head.  He can do that by destroying communication.  He can do this by paralysis through injury to the connection between the head and the body.  I think we have all known for years this is the enemy's intent, but what if he is doing this on a smaller level, working his way up.
     What the Lord has been showing me is that even though the enemy cannot destroy the head of the Church (Jesus) he can separate us from Him.  He can also destroy the individual church by attacking the head (pastor or elders).  What's even better is to destroy the body through the head.  He is doing this in the church, the government and the family.  He has been working on this for some time.  First, if we look at the head of the family.  The man, husband, father role in America does not look the same as it did years ago.  Men are abandoning and abusing their families.  They are putting their own interests first through affairs, addictions (even to working), hobbies, etc.  In some families the man is being emasculated and the woman is wearing the pants.  The enemy is destroying the family through the head of the family, but it's taking out the whole body of the family.  He has all but destroyed the family structure in America. 
     Lately the Lord has been showing me how the enemy is destroying individual churches through the pastor.  I am not talking about any one specific church.  I believe the dreams the Lord has shown me represent many individual churches.  If the enemy can take down the pastor or leadership through his insecurities or weaknesses, eventually, if the body of the church doesn't see it, if the sheep don't wake up, the church will be destroyed.  I believe he is using the same tactics on the church families as on individual families.  Lust, greed, power, anger, etc. are all open doors for the enemy to get in.  These are all results of open wounds.  Open wounds are open doors.  It is so important that anyone in leadership constantly and consistently allow God to shine His light into their hearts and expose any darkness.  it is important that they be willing to allow this so they can address the wounds revealed and heal them. 
     I also believe this is happening in our government.  It is through the head of the government that the enemy is attacking this country.  As citizens of this country, all countries, all churches and all families, we as individuals can turn this all around with prayer.  Instead of criticizing, belittling, judging, etc, our leaders and people in authority, we have to recognize they are targets for the enemy and pray for them.  Not our will be done, but the Father's will be done in their lives. 
     If some one is under attack by the enemy, it does no good for us to condemn them.  In fact when we do this, we are cursing them.  We become part of the problem.  We also give the enemy authority to step into their lives and destroy.  We can't possibly know what they need or what they are facing, but we can pray, God's will in their lives and the daily bread to face it.  The biggest tool we have alongside prayer is forgiveness.  We have all these leaders of families, churches and this country, reacting from old wounds and the Lord has shown me the biggest destruction is coming through guilt and shame.  Forgiveness is the antidote for the poison of guilt and shame.  We need to be forgiving fathers, husbands, pastors, elders, presidents and all leadership.  We need to be putting men back where they belong in leadership.  This country is full of spoiled people with no respect for authority.  What if it is that lack of respect that has caused them to act disrespectful? 
     One last thing the Lord has shown me: in dreams the neck usually represents pride.  What is between the body and the head?  We all need to humble ourselves and respect authority.  Whether we are submitting to it or placed in the position of it.  We are all given some authority and should not abuse that privilege.  The system was created from the beginning of time, because of our sin.  Now it our sin that is destroying it.  


Acts 7:51
“You stiff-necked heathen! Must you forever resist the Holy Spirit? But your fathers did, and so do you!

What if...?

“Jesus has prepared the way and has made following our destiny possible, whereas we are helpless by ourselves. We can find and fulfill our purpose by responding to the clear, simple call of Jesus Christ: "Follow Me." He is the doorway to fulfilling our destiny, where our divine design and God-ordained purpose live in perfect harmony.”
― Charles R. Swindoll


     I woke earlier than usual because the room was extremely cold.  It took a few minutes to wipe the sleep from my eyes as I wondered why the heating system was not keeping up with the cold.  When I sat up in bed, I immediately saw the problem.  The back wall of the house was missing.  It was gone.  I ran downstairs to see it was missing there too.  The whole back wall of the house had vanished.  It hadn't fallen to lay across the backyard, no, it was completely gone.  How does this happen?
     My first thought was to call the landlord, but the dial pad on my phone was gone.  Was this a dream?  There was a button that said keypad, but when pressed, nothing happened.  I would have to drive to the landlord's house.  As I threw on my clothes, I rehearsed in my mind how I was going to explain that I had lost the back wall of the house.  I grabbed my keys and ran out the back door, chuckling when I realized I had locked it.  Why?  The back wall was open, the door was of no use.
     As I stepped out into the carport, I immediately noticed another problem.  The top of my car was gone.  All the windows and the roof.  There was no windshield to stop the wind, bugs, or rain.  It wasn't laying off to the side or even inside the car.  It was just gone.  I got into the car and started it.  I waited for the engine to warm, and blasted the heat on my feet.  This was going to be a cold ride. 
     As I drove down my street, I noticed a few of my neighbors were having the same issue.  A car sat on the ground with no tires, another's hood was up exposing a missing engine, while in one driveway a set of wheels lay as though the car was lifted right off them and they were allowed to fall where they were.  Some houses were missing windows, garages, and roofs.  But there were those that were whole, completely untouched by this strange thief who had hit our neighborhood while we all slept peacefully in our homes until the cold came in through missing pieces.  As I drove, I met few cars.  When I did meet a car, the driver and I would stare at each others unique vehicle with it's strange missing parts.  I guess I was one of the lucky ones, because at least mine was drivable. 
     As I pulled into the landlord's driveway I was totally surprised to see their whole house was gone.  Trees, house, sheds, cars, all gone.  It was an open field as if nothing had ever been there.  In the middle of the property stood the couple I rented my house from.  She was crying and he was on his knees in shock.  I decided it was not the time to tell them I was only missing a wall.  They didn't even notice me as I backed out of the driveway and headed toward town.  I would by tarps and cover the back of the house until I figured out what to do. 
     As I approached the counter with three large tarps, I thought would cover my house, I pulled out my wallet.  The cashier did not say a word to me, in fact the few people in the store were not talking.  We were all walking around in shock.  I pulled out my cash, but soon realized there was another problem.  Parts of every bill were missing.  I had a ten dollar bill with a corner gone, a twenty that was ripped right in half and another twenty with the presidents face missing.  The cashier did not seem to be surprised, didn't even seem to notice.  When she opened the cash register drawer all the bills were in the same state.  I picked up my tarps and headed for the door.
     When I arrived home and spread the tarps out in the back yard, I noticed there were holes in all of them.  These were not going to work.  How was I going to keep the cold out.  How was I going to survive?  What was happening on this planet?  Dear God help me.
     Just then, out of no where an angel appeared.  He stood in front of me with a gentle smile.  I looked up at him as I knelt over my partial tarps in the backyard.  He finally spoke.  "God has offered you all of Him.  He has even sacrificed His only begotten Son.  Yet you only give Him a piece of your heart.  You only partially submit your life to Him.  You obey only when His will lines up with yours." 
     "What do I need to do?"
     He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  To love is to submit and obey.  He has given you a taste of what it would be like if He only gave you as much as you give Him.  Do not hold back even the tiniest part of your heart."
     Over the next days as I spent time in worship and prayer, the missing pieces began to reappear.  The message was clear.  I wanted all of Jesus, but I only wanted to give parts of myself.  I held on to a few habits, a few grudges and even a few wounds.  Then I went out into the neighborhood and shared my testimony.  Some received the missing pieces back to them and some continued to live with the missing pieces, adjusting their lives to accommodate. 
     This is just a little fun fiction, but what if?  What if He only returned as much as we gave? 


Matthew 6:14  King James Version (KJV)

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you

One year

“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?


     Over the last two days, I have been reflecting on the last year.  Exactly one year ago I sat in front of a church and told my whole story.  I shared everything, from the town I was raised in to the demons who had most recently been kicked out of my house.  I didn't hold back.  Why?  Because I truly believed that there was somebody out there who needed to hear each situation I was put in or I put others in.  I was honest.  I talked about my abusive ways, my anger, my addictions, my hurt.  It was actually amazing.  Several times I have gotten the feeling that I should not have done it.  If I say that to other people, they bring up how many people stepped forward and asked for help.  Yeah, that was good.  People got help.  But how many didn't?  How many had their lives spiral out of control afterwards?
     I have come to the conclusion that I was not ready.  It is one thing to share on a blog where you can keep a little bit of anonymity.  I had been locked in my house with God, demons and a pastor via email for over a year.  I talked to very few people and it was when I was ready.  Since I told my story, thinks went crazy.  I go for a few months thinking everything is okay and then I get hit with the old stuff and I don't know how to deal with it.
     There were very few people I could hug, but suddenly I found my right to refuse a hug was taken.  I do okay most of the time, but there are days when it's still impossible.  The most difficult part of this is that I may be able to hug one person, but not the next.  How do you refuse a hug when they just saw you hug someone else.  This kind of stuff and the things God is showing me, make it more difficult to deal with people.  I feel like it's all caught up with me a year later. 
     The other night I went to a worship service.  The presence of spirits that have attacked me in the past was strong.  I spent most of the service praying protection over all of us.  The attack was stronger than I had experienced in quite some time and as I tried to make my escape, it happened.  Some one I did not want a hug from reached out.  The enemy jumped right in, "Good Christians love others.  You can't refuse somebody a hug."  And the little kid in me who has been forced to physically touch against her will came out.  Anger.  Self protection.  Why?  Why?  After all this time does she still show up?  Why can't she just shut up and do what's expected? 
     A friend was driving me home so we drove through a fast food drive through.  After we ordered, I stepped out of the car.  The darkness was very heavy all around me.  Suddenly my foot was twisted under me and even after I thought I caught my balance, I went down.  I felt that familiar darkness that I haven't been faced with for months and months.  Why now?  I limped my way around the building praying away anything not of God.  We prayed all the way home.  Had I opened the door to it, or was it just that angry with me.  That morning, the Lord had set me free from a troubling situation and I was quite happy about it.  Hours later I'm under a very dark attack.  It made sense.  The enemy hates our freedom.
     The next morning we drove to a church I had never attended.  This church was on fire and a few people I knew were there so I felt pretty comfortable.  It was a wild two hour service with awesome music and I totally enjoyed watching everyone worship.  I could feel the Lord's pleasure in watching His kids love Him through worship.  Then it happened.  Why am I not like them?  Do I not really love you, God?  What is wrong with me?  Why after all this time do I still feel alone and different?  Then I heard the Lord in my heart, "I know you love me.  Your obedience shows your love."  So then what is wrong with me?  Why am I not like these people?  "Because they receive My love.  You haven't learned to receive it."  I can receive conviction, discipline, and even peace.  Why can't I receive love?  Because it's always been a lie or it's stopped.  When I realize somebody loves me, I seriously wait for the day it ends.  I expect it.
     When you get up and tell your story in front of hundreds of people, you first have to be healed.  You can't step out of a dark closet and just because you share your history, you are miraculously healed.  In the last year, I have found out there was more abuse.  I have worked hard on the abuse issues, but the enemy has made sure, I have less trust in people than I did a year ago.  I have hurt more in the last year than I have had joy.  Facing the truth is very difficult, but facing it in front of an audience is impossible.  Anger?  Up until a few months ago, I still went on a few tirades.  One time it was because I was facing doing something the Lord had asked and I knew I was supposed to do, but I was scared.  When I am scared, I go to my safe place which happens to be my room and I hide.  I cut off the outside world and I hide.  I knew I would get up the next morning and do what I was supposed to do, but for that night, I needed to be alone with God.  That would have worked, before I told my story, but all of a sudden, I had friends who waned to know I was okay.  There was nothing I could have said, to convince them to just leave me be and I will be okay tomorrow.  Then three of them showed up and invaded my safe place.  There was no way they could have known what they were doing.  I just wanted them gone.  When you tell somebody to leave your house, they should go, whether they are a believer or not.  I sat down with two of them later and explained what it feels like to not be safe.  It had nothing to do with them.  It's a survival method.  I am not totally healed.  So, what did the enemy do with that?  He made me look like a lunatic with my anger.  It was not an abusive anger it was a survival anger.  One thing I have learned over the last year even meeting a lot of genuine and awesome people is that there are snakes out there too. 
     So, driving home from the church service on Sunday, talking to God about why I can't receive His love, He explained a few things.  First, is how deep shame runs through us.  Abused never feel worthy.  Right now, I'm not sure they ever can.  The enemy starts when we are young to implant that in us.  When somebody says you are bad, it speaks right to that little girl who always believed it was true.  It doesn't matter how many nice things they ever said.  If I don't receive love, I won't be hurt when it stops.  It always stops.  God has told me He is my defender and I am not to defend myself, but I have to say after 46 years of being a total mess and never facing anything, it could just take more than a couple years to get this straight.  I trust God to put food on my table, start my car, and heal others who are sick.  He promised that.  I am still working on Him loving me.  Even with all the amazing things I have seen over the last year, I have seen some pretty ugly stuff too.  I have had some of the moments of pain that the air just leaves your body and your legs go weak.  God has placed some really good people in my life, and I have seen miracles happen.  This last year has been full of amazing moments.  But there are others that are so painful, I really can't say they don't out weigh the good.  I hear God.  He talks to me all the time.  Sometimes, my flesh gets louder than God.  I have to wonder, I have to believe it was flesh that told me I was ready for my story to be out there.  It's out there for the whole world to see.  I want it back.  God has used it to do awesome things for others.  Am I selfish to say I have seen the enemy do some serious damage with it?  He has made sure I regret that day.  To do His will you have to be willing to pay the cost and many times, I have thought I was willing.  I have obeyed every time I believe He spoke to me.  But, I see why my story, written out in a book is still sitting in a box.  I am not strong enough.  And the enemy knows that.  So do those working for him.  He has won a lot of battles this year.  What hurts the most, the believer's who cheered him on. 
     Your testimony is a powerful tool.  My advice, make sure you are ready for it to be in the hands of the enemy.  God has showed me a lot of ugly stuff in the spiritual realm.  Sometimes it's hard to separate the enemy from the pawn he is using. 


“Every source of blessing is a point of attack.”
― David McGee


“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
― Erma Bombeck

Whew, what stinks?

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 


     Typical day in the life... Ha.  Sitting here on the couch, not sure what to do with my time.  I'm staring into the kitchen wondering what that awful smell is.  Yep, it's something in the fridge.  Stinks.  It's been there over the last couple days.  It didn't stink one day and the next day, it was overwhelming.  What happened?  We pulled out what we thought it was and threw it in the garbage... outside.  Wow, that wasn't it.
     We take turns digging around in there, sure we have found it, throw it away.  NOPE.  Still stinks.  This doesn't even make sense.  Who has this much questionable food in their refrigerator?  I HATE a stinking fridge.   
     Then the Lord says to me, "It's like a heart."  What?  Do you want to explain that a little further, because I don't want my heart smelling like that.  Aww, I get it.  The fridge is where we keep His words.  Food for our soul.  We have to put fresh food in and pull the old rotting stuff out.  Hmm.  If you leave it in there every time somebody opens the door all those around us get knocked over with the smell.  There is a light in there for a reason.  Many as kids have tried to see if the light stays on when the door is closed.  The light should always be shining on the bad things in there so we can find them and throw them out. 
     Hmm, now what?  Movie or nap?  Heal my fridge? 

“The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man