― C.S. Lewis
Lesson 444 in growing with God. This one was a little HUGE. I've been under attack a lot lately. The Lord said there are people praying for me, but they are praying out of God's will for me. They don't mean to harm me, but they are opening doors for the enemy. I have been breaking off these curses and doing spiritual warfare daily. He told me specifically someone is praying against my writing. That's okay, because He is my strength. But then came the big lesson.
I was having a little pity party on my couch. Just me and God. I was telling Him how unfair life is. It started out with a lot of, "Why did you even put this person in my life? Why can't they see the truth? I asked you to prove you care about me and you give me this person?" Then I asked Him straight out, "How can someone be so angry they could be so mean?" Then three little words, He said back to me, "You're asking me?" Wham!! Who better to know how anger can affect behavior. I have been angry and therefore mean, most of my life. Oh yeah, I have cut some people with my words. I have made people cry. It's just like He reaches over, grabs a mirror off the table and holds it up in front of my face. Ouch! I began the defense. What do you expect to come out of me? I have been abused by half a dozen men in my life and now this one, of course I am pissed off and I have every right to be. Plus, my anger has gotten so much better. I have forgiven so much stuff. I can't change over night. I have come a long way. Then I heard, "You have healed a lot of your wounds, but he hasn't." Ouch.
How many times have I done this in my life? I expect people to understand my behavior is a result of my life, but I don't give others the same. This person does have old wounds that were never healed. While I am yelling repentance, responsibility and admission of wrong doing, the Lord is asking me to pray for his healing. How can I not? When you look in the mirror and see how your wounds have affected your life and you ask God to heal you, how can you not have compassion for people with the same reaction to their wounds. I get it!
Then He wanted to take it one step further, because He is like that. How did your behavior penetrate his wounds? Those old wounds that we ignore and think we have healed can be so easily reopened by the right person. I was beginning to see how my actions have felt like betrayal, even if I did not mean it that way. Emotions tied to old wounds are not always in correct alignment. Our emotions tied to an old wound have only matured as much as the wound has healed.
So many times all we see is an other's behavior, but we don't stop to look at how we instigated that behavior. Sometimes intentional, but most times unintentional. When we find out we have stuck our sharp little finger in an old wound we didn't even realize was there, we can better understand the reaction. No matter if it's intentional or not, an apology could cause some healing. So many times we speak from broken, immature emotions and usually it's those times that people look at us as though we have lost our mind, but it's impossible to act and react in a healthy way when we have an unhealed wound. We all have them.
After all this deep talk and mirror looking with the King, I have come to the conclusion that healing is the priority. I have several friends who have a heart for the unbeliever and I do to, but I don't feel called to them. My calling is more toward the person who has been sitting in church for years and they haven't changed one bit. They have not experienced the full love and freedom of a relationship with Christ. I especially feel for those who can't figure out why, after they have followed all the rules.
We have to stop hiding behind His grace and mercy and dismissing our unhappiness to a "I'm never going to get this right" mentality. We have to open up our heart and let Him shine His light in on the darkness, the brokenness and heal it. Healing has to happen before we can fully accept His love, forgiveness, freedom, grace and mercy.
I think too many of us live with that childhood fear that grabs our throat after hearing, "Wait until your father gets home." We expect the Lord to shoot out a bolt of lightning and catch us in the back side. But trust this, His discipline is gentle, shoot often times for me it's just the holding up of a mirror. He wants more than anything to shine His light in the dark places of our heart so we can fully accept everything He is. Seriously, when He shows us where we are lacking and we can fix that part of us, it gives us even more understanding of others and even more than that, a deeper understanding of His love for us. He held up the mirror and hit me with the truth - not the other way around. Ha.
“A carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying “Why?”
― Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart: Putting On the Character of Christ
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