“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself-and be lenient to everybody else.”
― Henry Ward Beecher
This still small voice inside my head
He has a plan for me, I choose pacing instead
He gave me an assignment to write that book
But facebook is calling I have to look.
The house is a mess except for the sink
I cleaned it a minute so I didn't have to think
Maybe I will sit here and stare at the wall
If I stare hard enough I won't hear Him call
God where are you when I feel like this
Are you answering my prayers? I gave you a list.
Why do you follow me throughout this house
Friends are calling, but I don't want to go out
Maybe this is depression or maybe I'm sad
When I dig a little deeper I realize I am mad
This mess of a life you have given to me
Is not exactly the place that I want to be.
So, I wash the rims on my dirty old car
and walk around in circles, it's really not far
Anxiety and boredom are both very strong
When will things change Lord, please tell me how long
I have washed all the light bulbs and laid in my bed
I can't find a way to get out of my head
Is this an enemy attack? Is he almost through
I can't sit still, but there is nothing to do
I don't want to write and I don't want to play
I want to wake up to a new place and day
I have to admit it, it really must be true
It's not writing I'm ignoring, I'm running from You.
“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don't agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ”
― C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer
Friday, June 28, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Clear as Mud
“When he says we’re forgiven, let’s unload the guilt. When he says we’re valuable, let’s believe him. . . . When he says we’re provided for, let’s stop worrying. God’s efforts are strongest when our efforts are useless”
― Max Lucado, Grace for the Moment: Inspirational Thoughts for Each Day of the Year
What if we toured the enemy's camp? The best way to fight a war is to learn the enemy's tactics, right? First we would have to make ourselves invisible, not because he would kill us, because he does not have the power, but because he would hide what he was doing. That's why we shine a light into the darkness, so we can see what the rat is up to.
When touring any home, we usually start in the kitchen. The kitchen is the place where all good conversation, meals and good times are shared, right? Well, probably not in the enemy's but we will start there anyway.
First we find a demonic presence baking a cake... no way. Really? They don't bake cakes do they? Look a little closer... is that regret he is putting in that mixing bowl? It's sitting there right on the counter next to the bag of worthless and condemnation. Now what is he doing? He's looking around, he's hiding that jar he is scooping stuff out of and dropping it into the batter... is that?... No, it can't be. It is, it's guilt. You say this makes no sense, but it does. The enemy wants us to eat that cake. He wants us unhealthy. Think about it, if we don't feel good it makes it a lot harder to fight. If we already feel weak and depressed the enemy can attack and usually overtake us, because we are just too tired to fight. He likes us fat and out of shape. It makes sense that he would bake us a beautiful cake full of all that bad stuff.
We decide not to steal a little lick of the batter and move to the living room. Whoa, what is going on here. They are making a porn movie, with Miss Guilty Pleasure and Carl Condemnation. I think we will scoot right out of this room.
Out back in a small shed the enemy has a distillery. We peek in the window to see him adding shame, regret, and of course spirits. There he is with that jar of guilt again. It seems to be the secret ingredient to all his temptations. It's every where.
We follow a squad of demons to the earth and watch as they place the cakes, the booze and the porn where people are sure to see them. They leave trails like bread crumbs of shame, anger and regret to the items they have strategically placed. They sprinkle guilt over crowds of people in the street, in bars and yes, even in church. The people are holding up against the temptation... until... there they go, when nobody is looking they are sneaking around the corner and into their homes, pulling the shades and indulging. It's like they are under a spell. They are walking around like zombies reaching for more of the feeling laced temptation.
You can not control your feelings, but you can control your reactions to them. You can eat the cake, but eventually, if you keep eating, you will get a dose of guilt. You can have another drink but the shame will take over. You can watch the porn, but you will want more. As believer's what do we do when these people come to us for help? We get out our own little bag of the secret ingredient and pour it over them. We sprinkle them with guilt like it's a pixie dust. We say we don't mean to, but it shoots out of our eyes and falls out of our mouths. We are doing the enemy's baking. When a person reaches out to us with their bodies full of guilt, shame, condemnation, anger, resentment and bitterness, we don't give them more. They all ready have enough.
The Bible is not filled with Jesus asking people about their sin. Take the woman caught in adultery for example: People are judging her, not Jesus. He loves her. He does not condemn her. He loves her. Pouring guilt on guilt, shame on shame, anger on anger, hate on hate, does not work. We don't wash our clothes with mud.
“Nothing cuts the nerve of the desire to pursue holiness as much as a sense of guilt. On the contrary, nothing so motivates us to deal with sin in our lives as does the understanding and application of the two truth that our sins are forgiven and the dominion of sin is broken because of our union with Christ.”
― Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace: God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness
― Max Lucado, Grace for the Moment: Inspirational Thoughts for Each Day of the Year
What if we toured the enemy's camp? The best way to fight a war is to learn the enemy's tactics, right? First we would have to make ourselves invisible, not because he would kill us, because he does not have the power, but because he would hide what he was doing. That's why we shine a light into the darkness, so we can see what the rat is up to.
When touring any home, we usually start in the kitchen. The kitchen is the place where all good conversation, meals and good times are shared, right? Well, probably not in the enemy's but we will start there anyway.
First we find a demonic presence baking a cake... no way. Really? They don't bake cakes do they? Look a little closer... is that regret he is putting in that mixing bowl? It's sitting there right on the counter next to the bag of worthless and condemnation. Now what is he doing? He's looking around, he's hiding that jar he is scooping stuff out of and dropping it into the batter... is that?... No, it can't be. It is, it's guilt. You say this makes no sense, but it does. The enemy wants us to eat that cake. He wants us unhealthy. Think about it, if we don't feel good it makes it a lot harder to fight. If we already feel weak and depressed the enemy can attack and usually overtake us, because we are just too tired to fight. He likes us fat and out of shape. It makes sense that he would bake us a beautiful cake full of all that bad stuff.
We decide not to steal a little lick of the batter and move to the living room. Whoa, what is going on here. They are making a porn movie, with Miss Guilty Pleasure and Carl Condemnation. I think we will scoot right out of this room.
Out back in a small shed the enemy has a distillery. We peek in the window to see him adding shame, regret, and of course spirits. There he is with that jar of guilt again. It seems to be the secret ingredient to all his temptations. It's every where.
We follow a squad of demons to the earth and watch as they place the cakes, the booze and the porn where people are sure to see them. They leave trails like bread crumbs of shame, anger and regret to the items they have strategically placed. They sprinkle guilt over crowds of people in the street, in bars and yes, even in church. The people are holding up against the temptation... until... there they go, when nobody is looking they are sneaking around the corner and into their homes, pulling the shades and indulging. It's like they are under a spell. They are walking around like zombies reaching for more of the feeling laced temptation.
You can not control your feelings, but you can control your reactions to them. You can eat the cake, but eventually, if you keep eating, you will get a dose of guilt. You can have another drink but the shame will take over. You can watch the porn, but you will want more. As believer's what do we do when these people come to us for help? We get out our own little bag of the secret ingredient and pour it over them. We sprinkle them with guilt like it's a pixie dust. We say we don't mean to, but it shoots out of our eyes and falls out of our mouths. We are doing the enemy's baking. When a person reaches out to us with their bodies full of guilt, shame, condemnation, anger, resentment and bitterness, we don't give them more. They all ready have enough.
The Bible is not filled with Jesus asking people about their sin. Take the woman caught in adultery for example: People are judging her, not Jesus. He loves her. He does not condemn her. He loves her. Pouring guilt on guilt, shame on shame, anger on anger, hate on hate, does not work. We don't wash our clothes with mud.
“Nothing cuts the nerve of the desire to pursue holiness as much as a sense of guilt. On the contrary, nothing so motivates us to deal with sin in our lives as does the understanding and application of the two truth that our sins are forgiven and the dominion of sin is broken because of our union with Christ.”
― Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace: God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness
Where is the Light?
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”
― Plato
Some people would say I have some wild and strange ideas about life, but what if...
I met a man at a coffee shop and he invited me to his church. He wanted me to teach there and I wondered why he chose me. Before he would take me to experience his church, Paul asked me to join him in a different kind of experience to help me understand why his church was different. I agreed.
We pulled up in front of a haunted house. I looked around hoping we were not about to go in. I am not one who likes to be frightened. The world is scary enough. But, all the hoping and silent prayers did not work, because he led me inside. He grabbed my arm and led me through a maze of zombies, monsters with chain saws and what was supposed to be several ghosts. I found my heart racing as I was happy he was leading me through quickly. About the time I wondered what the point of this fear filled stop was, we entered a completely dark room. I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. Fear gripped my throat and to make it worse, this was when he decided to release my arm.
"This is the part I want to show you."
I had to speak loudly to be heard over the groaning and screams in the room, "I can't see anything. What could you be showing me?"
"There is a place on the wall that you have to push to open the door to get out. Can you find it?"
As I reached for the wall I grabbed a person and they let out a loud scream. I immediately let go. I didn't want to reach out, because I did not know what I would touch. I was afraid to stand still because of what might grab me. I would work up the courage to reach out, but every time I did I touched a person and we both screamed. There was a couple times when I touched something strange and an evil laugh or moan would come from it. The longer I was in the room, the more afraid I was to reach out, to look for the escape button.
Then suddenly, someone hit the right place on the wall and a small door opened slowly to what appeared to be a crawl space. Because of the amount of time we had been in the room, the light through the door was too bright. I actually found myself shrinking away from it. The light also fell across two terrifying beings who scrambled to close it off again after only one person escaped. The sight of these monsters caused me to cower back into a corner of the room where I slid down the wall and covered my head. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to get out.
Then I heard what I believed was Paul's voice, "Reach out to me and I will lead you out of here."
I was afraid, but I slowly reached out in front of me and I felt him take my arm. We walked only a couple steps from where I was and he hit the wall causing the small door to pop open. The scary beings immediately rushed toward us to close the door, but Paul raised his hand to them and said, "Stay back. I'm getting her out of here." To my surprise they did and I hit my knees to crawl through the doorway and into the light.
I was relieved to be outside and it took several minutes for my eyes to adjust fully to the bright sunshine. Paul was already on his way to the car and I hurried to catch up. We rode in silence for about five minutes while I tried desperately to shake off the feelings left with me from the darkened room. A couple times Paul reached over and patted my shoulder and flashed a smile.
We pulled up in front of a house. "Let's go in." Paul paused a second smiling at me and I knew he knew exactly how I felt.
I soon realized we were at Paul's house. We went inside and he grabbed a bottle of water for each of us, before he led me to the basement. There I saw a few mismatched chairs and a table with a coffee pot and bibles.
"This is where we meet, where we have church." He sat on one of the old chairs and took a long drink of water. "Not what you expected?"
"Not really."
"We meet here three times a week. People come on the day they need it. When we are too many for the room one will open their house and we branch out. We are meeting in about 12 homes right now."
"You asked me to teach? Why me?"
"We are all teachers. We make disciples and send them out."
"So, with all these families coming to 12 houses are you close to find a building to meet in?"
"We have no plans to pay for a building. We keep cost down so we can go out and minister to the lost."
"I don't get it. How do you bring in new people?"
"I'm about to show you." This time we walked to a house 3 doors down from Paul's house. "This is the one place we rent."
We stepped inside to house full of people. Some were cooking, some were loading a van parked in the back alley with food, and some were talking with obvious homeless people. I stood back and watched people praying together and one woman going through racks of clothes in what would normally be a dining room. She held a shirt up in front of her daughter to see if it would fit.
"This is where the money goes. We cook here every day and bring it to families down on there luck and to the homeless. We disciple them, lead them to Christ, get them back on their feet and then turn them loose. Who better to minister to the lost than the found?" He laughed as he picked up a hot pan of stew and walked out to the van. A women handed me two bags and nodded after Paul so I followed.
After we set the items in the van, I asked, "This all looks good Paul, but what did the dark room have to do with how I see your... church?"
"Well, many times we make sure our church buildings are filled with comfortable chairs, hot coffee, separate services for the children and greeters, but how many unbelievers walk in off the street to experience all those comforts? Mostly it's a stale Christian taking up that chair and complaining that the coffee is too weak. Who really needs to be fed? The dark room was where the unbelievers are. We have to shine the light into their lives for them to see their way out. Of all the people in the room, we saw one find his own way out. Most of them need somebody with the light to not only go in and get them, but to war against the forces trying to close the door on them. You felt it, didn't you? You felt the fear of the light, because it exposed what was in the room. I saw you shrink back into the comfort of a dark corner and cover your head. That's what the unbeliever's do."
I thought back to the short time I spent in the darkness. How it took Paul to come and get me, take my hand, lead me to the light and demand that the spooks let us leave. He spoke with an authority I was not feeling at the time. I was suddenly embarrassed about the church I was attending, with it's comfortable chairs and espresso. It was nice, but how many people could be fed with the money it took to purchase all those luxuries provided to a crowd of people who were not going out as disciples, but were constantly and consistently showing up to be fed. Maybe we should be passing out baby bottles instead of coffee.
The Lord has not called us to be comfortable. He has not promised us recliners and sushi. He has not promised us this life would be easy, in fact the opposite is true. This can and will be difficult, but He is with us. A $5 mocha every day can feed a person, every day. The time is short and people are dying. They are feeling around for a way out of that dark room, while we sit in the room next to them complaining that the screaming is too loud for us to hear the TV, the food we were just served is cold and that car payment is really stretching us. Really? We will live in the lap of luxury for eternity, while people are starving in the present. How many times do we ask, "Why does God let those children in those other countries starve?" And God asks, "Why are you letting them starve? I have provided to you more than enough."
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches
― Plato
Some people would say I have some wild and strange ideas about life, but what if...
I met a man at a coffee shop and he invited me to his church. He wanted me to teach there and I wondered why he chose me. Before he would take me to experience his church, Paul asked me to join him in a different kind of experience to help me understand why his church was different. I agreed.
We pulled up in front of a haunted house. I looked around hoping we were not about to go in. I am not one who likes to be frightened. The world is scary enough. But, all the hoping and silent prayers did not work, because he led me inside. He grabbed my arm and led me through a maze of zombies, monsters with chain saws and what was supposed to be several ghosts. I found my heart racing as I was happy he was leading me through quickly. About the time I wondered what the point of this fear filled stop was, we entered a completely dark room. I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. Fear gripped my throat and to make it worse, this was when he decided to release my arm.
"This is the part I want to show you."
I had to speak loudly to be heard over the groaning and screams in the room, "I can't see anything. What could you be showing me?"
"There is a place on the wall that you have to push to open the door to get out. Can you find it?"
As I reached for the wall I grabbed a person and they let out a loud scream. I immediately let go. I didn't want to reach out, because I did not know what I would touch. I was afraid to stand still because of what might grab me. I would work up the courage to reach out, but every time I did I touched a person and we both screamed. There was a couple times when I touched something strange and an evil laugh or moan would come from it. The longer I was in the room, the more afraid I was to reach out, to look for the escape button.
Then suddenly, someone hit the right place on the wall and a small door opened slowly to what appeared to be a crawl space. Because of the amount of time we had been in the room, the light through the door was too bright. I actually found myself shrinking away from it. The light also fell across two terrifying beings who scrambled to close it off again after only one person escaped. The sight of these monsters caused me to cower back into a corner of the room where I slid down the wall and covered my head. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to get out.
Then I heard what I believed was Paul's voice, "Reach out to me and I will lead you out of here."
I was afraid, but I slowly reached out in front of me and I felt him take my arm. We walked only a couple steps from where I was and he hit the wall causing the small door to pop open. The scary beings immediately rushed toward us to close the door, but Paul raised his hand to them and said, "Stay back. I'm getting her out of here." To my surprise they did and I hit my knees to crawl through the doorway and into the light.
I was relieved to be outside and it took several minutes for my eyes to adjust fully to the bright sunshine. Paul was already on his way to the car and I hurried to catch up. We rode in silence for about five minutes while I tried desperately to shake off the feelings left with me from the darkened room. A couple times Paul reached over and patted my shoulder and flashed a smile.
We pulled up in front of a house. "Let's go in." Paul paused a second smiling at me and I knew he knew exactly how I felt.
I soon realized we were at Paul's house. We went inside and he grabbed a bottle of water for each of us, before he led me to the basement. There I saw a few mismatched chairs and a table with a coffee pot and bibles.
"This is where we meet, where we have church." He sat on one of the old chairs and took a long drink of water. "Not what you expected?"
"Not really."
"We meet here three times a week. People come on the day they need it. When we are too many for the room one will open their house and we branch out. We are meeting in about 12 homes right now."
"You asked me to teach? Why me?"
"We are all teachers. We make disciples and send them out."
"So, with all these families coming to 12 houses are you close to find a building to meet in?"
"We have no plans to pay for a building. We keep cost down so we can go out and minister to the lost."
"I don't get it. How do you bring in new people?"
"I'm about to show you." This time we walked to a house 3 doors down from Paul's house. "This is the one place we rent."
We stepped inside to house full of people. Some were cooking, some were loading a van parked in the back alley with food, and some were talking with obvious homeless people. I stood back and watched people praying together and one woman going through racks of clothes in what would normally be a dining room. She held a shirt up in front of her daughter to see if it would fit.
"This is where the money goes. We cook here every day and bring it to families down on there luck and to the homeless. We disciple them, lead them to Christ, get them back on their feet and then turn them loose. Who better to minister to the lost than the found?" He laughed as he picked up a hot pan of stew and walked out to the van. A women handed me two bags and nodded after Paul so I followed.
After we set the items in the van, I asked, "This all looks good Paul, but what did the dark room have to do with how I see your... church?"
"Well, many times we make sure our church buildings are filled with comfortable chairs, hot coffee, separate services for the children and greeters, but how many unbelievers walk in off the street to experience all those comforts? Mostly it's a stale Christian taking up that chair and complaining that the coffee is too weak. Who really needs to be fed? The dark room was where the unbelievers are. We have to shine the light into their lives for them to see their way out. Of all the people in the room, we saw one find his own way out. Most of them need somebody with the light to not only go in and get them, but to war against the forces trying to close the door on them. You felt it, didn't you? You felt the fear of the light, because it exposed what was in the room. I saw you shrink back into the comfort of a dark corner and cover your head. That's what the unbeliever's do."
I thought back to the short time I spent in the darkness. How it took Paul to come and get me, take my hand, lead me to the light and demand that the spooks let us leave. He spoke with an authority I was not feeling at the time. I was suddenly embarrassed about the church I was attending, with it's comfortable chairs and espresso. It was nice, but how many people could be fed with the money it took to purchase all those luxuries provided to a crowd of people who were not going out as disciples, but were constantly and consistently showing up to be fed. Maybe we should be passing out baby bottles instead of coffee.
The Lord has not called us to be comfortable. He has not promised us recliners and sushi. He has not promised us this life would be easy, in fact the opposite is true. This can and will be difficult, but He is with us. A $5 mocha every day can feed a person, every day. The time is short and people are dying. They are feeling around for a way out of that dark room, while we sit in the room next to them complaining that the screaming is too loud for us to hear the TV, the food we were just served is cold and that car payment is really stretching us. Really? We will live in the lap of luxury for eternity, while people are starving in the present. How many times do we ask, "Why does God let those children in those other countries starve?" And God asks, "Why are you letting them starve? I have provided to you more than enough."
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches
Monday, June 24, 2013
I Feel so Lost
“Her (Mary's) Son first had to be the Child of the Father in order then to become man and be capable of taking up on his shoulders the burden of a guilty world.”
― Hans Urs von Balthasar, Unless You Become Like This Child
As we grow and learn the meaning of certain scripture changes to us. Becoming like a child meant one thing to me when I first heard it, but today it has a new meaning. Yesterday, I heard a pastor talking about the Pacific Northwest. He said that many men trying to avoid the draft into the Vietnam war past through here to Canada. Also, I think of this area of our nation as a "old hippie" place. There are many highly intelligent people in this area also. Maybe you don't agree, but when you have hippies, intelligence and draft dodgers in one area it would make sense that there is a spirit of rebellion present. I see it all over this area. This is also a main highway for human trafficking. Oh, it's a beautiful part of the country, but there are heel ruts all over this land.
When I heard this, God began to speak to me about rebellion. It's an issue in my life. Hippies rebel against authority. The highly intelligent think they know better. Human traffickers have no respect for a life. What is the cure for rebellion? As parent's we put down stricter rules. If the Church does this we end up with religion. Religion is rules made by man to measure and compare our behavior. I believe to go along with the spirit of rebellion blanketing this area, there is a spirit of religion that was welcomed here to combat it. Neither of these are of God.
As all these thoughts were swimming around in my head, I had to wonder what God was showing me. Through a friend, one of the biggest questions I have struggled with was answered. He had no idea what he was revealing to me and I believe he had no idea how hard it was for me to stand there and listen and not allow my eyes to fill with tears. I knew Jesus and I were about to have a really important conversation.
The question I have been asking God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit repeatedly without receiving an answer is this, "Why do I not feel love toward my creator, like I see others do?" Oh, I have my emotional moments where I feel close to God. I have my moments, when I think He just may love me like He loves others, but mostly we have a head relationship. It's easy to love Him with actions of obedience. It's easy for me to hear Him and follow. But when I think about the love I have for my kids, my friends, my siblings, I can't say I feel that much for God. Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of us have this issue, and want to love Him more than anyone, but can't seem to break through an invisible wall we have constructed over our lifetime. I have friends who get so lost in worship it amazes me. I want that. I can't seem to reach it. But what if I explain it this way: It's like when I was a child and I watched a friend climb up in their dad's lap. They felt safe, secure, happy, content, blah, blah, blah, blah. I did not feel that way in my father's lap. I didn't even have the freedom to climb up into his lap when I wanted. Many of us have heard that we see God as we saw our father. This makes sense. If our father was strict, we expect God to be huge, waiting on His throne for the opportunity to zap us in the butt with a lightning bolt, for even a bad thought. Remember, the father who said, "I spank them when I get home for whatever they did that I didn't find out about." If your dad was emotionally unavailable, we expect God to not really care how we feel and never to connect with us emotionally.
God wants to heal us emotionally and now I understand why. He wants us to heal our brokenness toward our earthly father because often times whatever door is closed in that relationship, we keep closed and locked in our relationship with God. If you had a dad who was an embarrassing drunk, a playboy, a liar, someone who humiliated you in front of others you will probably expect that from God. You may not expect Him to be a staggering drunk, but you may expect Him to allow a situation where you are embarrassed in front of others. Maybe your dad showed more affection, love and tolerance toward your siblings so you expect God to love others more than He loves you. Maybe dad disappeared, so you constantly find yourself wondering where God is, because you expect him to not show up. Many of us have already heard this comparison and realized that our relationship with our bio-dad has affected our relationship with God, The Father.
Here is the new information that blew me away; The way we relate to the Holy Spirit is often affected by our relationship with our mother. Wow, does the word comforter come to mind? The Holy Spirit was sent as our Comforter and is that not what a mother is supposed to be? You can walk through the same steps comparing your relationship with Mom to the Holy Spirit. If you had an overbearing mother and found yourself constantly tuning her out, maybe you do the same with the Holy Spirit. Pretend to listen and do what you want anyway? It takes an honest and strong person to look at that one. Ha. If you weren't comforted as a child it may be difficult to relate to the Holy Spirit at all.
Here is the big one for me - Jesus. How do we see Jesus? Like a sibling. If you did not have siblings, then your relationship to your good friends growing up are probably the closest representation of how you relate to Jesus. This one was the one God wanted to talk to me about. Two years ago when I decided to give God one more chance before I quit life, He sent a brother. For me, most times when I hear God, I know who is talking to me. Very few times it has been God which makes sense, because my dad left me. A lot of times it is the Holy Spirit, but I don't really expect Him to show up like He does for others. The most meaningful lessons over the last two years have come from Jesus. I always know it is Him and now I see why it is Him, because my sister and I grew up back to back as we call it. We had and still have each other's backs like no one else. We may disagree on a lot of things, but mess with one of us and the other will show up and it will not be pretty. Maybe our relationship is not exactly healthy, but it's solid. There are things you just don't do to your siblings. Now, I have been deeply hurt by a sibling, but not the one I grew up with. When I think of my sibling, my sister comes to mind first and then my step-brother and I would do anything to protect them.
This makes sense as to why God sent a person for me to learn from who was like a brother. I wondered many times, why He didn't send a father figure, but He explained it to me; I always wanted an older brother to protect me and dads leave. When He sent an older brother in the pastor, I was most open to hear what he was saying. I truly saw him in the role of brother. When I talk with God about deep and painful issues, it's always Jesus who I talk with. Why? Because of the relationship with my sibling.
What Jesus was showing me is that I expect people to let me down and I just keep moving forward, but when I am hurt by someone I have placed in a sister or brother role, the hurt runs very deep. I remember Dave saying several times that even though it is not his practice to counsel women, God told him this time was different and God also told him not to hurt me. Now, I understand this better. This was an open door. God knew I was only open to a sibling role and for Dave to hurt me could mean the closing and locking of the door between me and Jesus. It was the only open door. When I asked Jesus why exactly He told Dave not to hurt me, I heard Him say "Because He was representing Me." It was so important for him to not allow the door to slam shut. This is what we are to be to others, a representation of Christ. Though we can hardly measure up, we may be the only door a person allows open and that is why it is so important to love, unconditionally.
If we take these three relationships from our childhood, mother, father, and sibling and we throw in close friends, they will most likely represent our relationship to the Trinity. When you ask God why you don't feel loved by Him like some of your friends, look at how loved you felt from your family. If you ask God why you aren't able to love Him like some of your friends look at how many walls you have put up between you and that same family. Protecting ourselves from rejection also shields us from love. It's a choice. He wants us to start over. Become like that small child and learn the real Love of God.
Jesus came so we may be free. He did not come that we may get by. He did not come to teach us to hang on. He did not come so we would not be heard. He did not come so that we may learn to suffer in silence. He came to set us free. He will walk us through the healing process with each of our relationships so that walls between us and Him can be torn down.
So to become like a child? To become part of a healthy family? The Father, The Comforter, the Big Brother and me and you? It's a process. The healing needs to go as deep as the wounds.
“Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked "I feel so lost"
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity
― Hans Urs von Balthasar, Unless You Become Like This Child
As we grow and learn the meaning of certain scripture changes to us. Becoming like a child meant one thing to me when I first heard it, but today it has a new meaning. Yesterday, I heard a pastor talking about the Pacific Northwest. He said that many men trying to avoid the draft into the Vietnam war past through here to Canada. Also, I think of this area of our nation as a "old hippie" place. There are many highly intelligent people in this area also. Maybe you don't agree, but when you have hippies, intelligence and draft dodgers in one area it would make sense that there is a spirit of rebellion present. I see it all over this area. This is also a main highway for human trafficking. Oh, it's a beautiful part of the country, but there are heel ruts all over this land.
When I heard this, God began to speak to me about rebellion. It's an issue in my life. Hippies rebel against authority. The highly intelligent think they know better. Human traffickers have no respect for a life. What is the cure for rebellion? As parent's we put down stricter rules. If the Church does this we end up with religion. Religion is rules made by man to measure and compare our behavior. I believe to go along with the spirit of rebellion blanketing this area, there is a spirit of religion that was welcomed here to combat it. Neither of these are of God.
As all these thoughts were swimming around in my head, I had to wonder what God was showing me. Through a friend, one of the biggest questions I have struggled with was answered. He had no idea what he was revealing to me and I believe he had no idea how hard it was for me to stand there and listen and not allow my eyes to fill with tears. I knew Jesus and I were about to have a really important conversation.
The question I have been asking God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit repeatedly without receiving an answer is this, "Why do I not feel love toward my creator, like I see others do?" Oh, I have my emotional moments where I feel close to God. I have my moments, when I think He just may love me like He loves others, but mostly we have a head relationship. It's easy to love Him with actions of obedience. It's easy for me to hear Him and follow. But when I think about the love I have for my kids, my friends, my siblings, I can't say I feel that much for God. Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of us have this issue, and want to love Him more than anyone, but can't seem to break through an invisible wall we have constructed over our lifetime. I have friends who get so lost in worship it amazes me. I want that. I can't seem to reach it. But what if I explain it this way: It's like when I was a child and I watched a friend climb up in their dad's lap. They felt safe, secure, happy, content, blah, blah, blah, blah. I did not feel that way in my father's lap. I didn't even have the freedom to climb up into his lap when I wanted. Many of us have heard that we see God as we saw our father. This makes sense. If our father was strict, we expect God to be huge, waiting on His throne for the opportunity to zap us in the butt with a lightning bolt, for even a bad thought. Remember, the father who said, "I spank them when I get home for whatever they did that I didn't find out about." If your dad was emotionally unavailable, we expect God to not really care how we feel and never to connect with us emotionally.
God wants to heal us emotionally and now I understand why. He wants us to heal our brokenness toward our earthly father because often times whatever door is closed in that relationship, we keep closed and locked in our relationship with God. If you had a dad who was an embarrassing drunk, a playboy, a liar, someone who humiliated you in front of others you will probably expect that from God. You may not expect Him to be a staggering drunk, but you may expect Him to allow a situation where you are embarrassed in front of others. Maybe your dad showed more affection, love and tolerance toward your siblings so you expect God to love others more than He loves you. Maybe dad disappeared, so you constantly find yourself wondering where God is, because you expect him to not show up. Many of us have already heard this comparison and realized that our relationship with our bio-dad has affected our relationship with God, The Father.
Here is the new information that blew me away; The way we relate to the Holy Spirit is often affected by our relationship with our mother. Wow, does the word comforter come to mind? The Holy Spirit was sent as our Comforter and is that not what a mother is supposed to be? You can walk through the same steps comparing your relationship with Mom to the Holy Spirit. If you had an overbearing mother and found yourself constantly tuning her out, maybe you do the same with the Holy Spirit. Pretend to listen and do what you want anyway? It takes an honest and strong person to look at that one. Ha. If you weren't comforted as a child it may be difficult to relate to the Holy Spirit at all.
Here is the big one for me - Jesus. How do we see Jesus? Like a sibling. If you did not have siblings, then your relationship to your good friends growing up are probably the closest representation of how you relate to Jesus. This one was the one God wanted to talk to me about. Two years ago when I decided to give God one more chance before I quit life, He sent a brother. For me, most times when I hear God, I know who is talking to me. Very few times it has been God which makes sense, because my dad left me. A lot of times it is the Holy Spirit, but I don't really expect Him to show up like He does for others. The most meaningful lessons over the last two years have come from Jesus. I always know it is Him and now I see why it is Him, because my sister and I grew up back to back as we call it. We had and still have each other's backs like no one else. We may disagree on a lot of things, but mess with one of us and the other will show up and it will not be pretty. Maybe our relationship is not exactly healthy, but it's solid. There are things you just don't do to your siblings. Now, I have been deeply hurt by a sibling, but not the one I grew up with. When I think of my sibling, my sister comes to mind first and then my step-brother and I would do anything to protect them.
This makes sense as to why God sent a person for me to learn from who was like a brother. I wondered many times, why He didn't send a father figure, but He explained it to me; I always wanted an older brother to protect me and dads leave. When He sent an older brother in the pastor, I was most open to hear what he was saying. I truly saw him in the role of brother. When I talk with God about deep and painful issues, it's always Jesus who I talk with. Why? Because of the relationship with my sibling.
What Jesus was showing me is that I expect people to let me down and I just keep moving forward, but when I am hurt by someone I have placed in a sister or brother role, the hurt runs very deep. I remember Dave saying several times that even though it is not his practice to counsel women, God told him this time was different and God also told him not to hurt me. Now, I understand this better. This was an open door. God knew I was only open to a sibling role and for Dave to hurt me could mean the closing and locking of the door between me and Jesus. It was the only open door. When I asked Jesus why exactly He told Dave not to hurt me, I heard Him say "Because He was representing Me." It was so important for him to not allow the door to slam shut. This is what we are to be to others, a representation of Christ. Though we can hardly measure up, we may be the only door a person allows open and that is why it is so important to love, unconditionally.
If we take these three relationships from our childhood, mother, father, and sibling and we throw in close friends, they will most likely represent our relationship to the Trinity. When you ask God why you don't feel loved by Him like some of your friends, look at how loved you felt from your family. If you ask God why you aren't able to love Him like some of your friends look at how many walls you have put up between you and that same family. Protecting ourselves from rejection also shields us from love. It's a choice. He wants us to start over. Become like that small child and learn the real Love of God.
Jesus came so we may be free. He did not come that we may get by. He did not come to teach us to hang on. He did not come so we would not be heard. He did not come so that we may learn to suffer in silence. He came to set us free. He will walk us through the healing process with each of our relationships so that walls between us and Him can be torn down.
So to become like a child? To become part of a healthy family? The Father, The Comforter, the Big Brother and me and you? It's a process. The healing needs to go as deep as the wounds.
“Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked "I feel so lost"
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity
"Welcome"
“God loves us as we are...not as we ought to be. because we are never going to be as we ought to be."
--Brennan Manning
Yesterday was one of those days. I pray everyone has one of "those days" often. The Lord was with me from beginning to end. I know He is every day, but when I have one of "those days" I am aware of Him every second of that day.
I began my day sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, with my earphones blaring good worship music. Then it hit me, I can go to any church I want today. Two of my very good friends were going to check out a church none of us had ever been to. They saw the churches float in a parade. Funny way to hear about a church. I jumped in the shower and headed out to meet them. I knew this was the Lord's will and he had something to show me.
The church was awesome. When we walked in the door we were met by several people who introduced themselves and some even hugged us. I wouldn't normally think this was a greeting I wanted, but it actually felt like a family who was welcoming us into eat at their table. Sometimes when we step into a church and it feels like a family lives there, it also feels like you have to pass a test to be invited to stay. This was not that way at all. They even tried very hard to remember our names. It caused some laughter.
Then, as though we were truly visiting a home, one woman led us to the sanctuary while pointing out the restrooms, the coffee, etc. She also introduced us to others. We almost felt like royalty. As we sat waiting for the service to begin, I looked over at one of my friends who already had tears in her eyes, and she said, "Oh, I feel His presence here." We all felt it. We were right where God wanted us and it felt safe and warm and welcoming. For a second we all battled feeling under dressed, because unlike most of the churches we have visited, several of the people here wore suits and nice dresses. But, the more we looked around there were people in jeans and flip flops too, and we shut the mouth of the enemy who desperately wanted us to feel like we did not belong.
At the beginning of the service they played a short video explaining their goals in representing God in their church. It was everything we wanted. The church belonged to God, to do with whatever He wanted. There were no goals for numbers filling the seats, for changing the world, for impressing the visitors. Their main goal was to follow the Holy Spirit. Their goals were to be like Jesus in love, healing, casting out demons and leading unbelievers to Christ. There was a freedom in the church that I had never felt before. The pastor did not sit behind a pulpit, but instead walked around making eye contact with individuals. He spoke truth. He spoke from his heart and from his experience. I felt like I was listening to a friend, a brother, a man with Jesus in his heart and the light was beaming out over all of us. I wanted to stay there. I didn't want it to end. I didn't care about what the clock said, I wanted to hear more.
I never dreamed I would like the idea, but toward the end of the service, after the pastor and his family left the sanctuary together, they called out the first time visitors to follow a woman to a room. Scary? Nope! We were being taken to a room to meet the pastor and his wife. Why? He told us that he learned through experience that his regulars always approached him after services and that left him no time to meet the visitors. He really wanted to talk with us, so they led us to a room where we all sat around a table and waited for the pastor and his wife. While we waited, we were asked to fill out a survey, not on our beliefs, but on our favorite and least favorite parts of our visit. They wanted to improve. Who better to ask?
The pastor had two questions for the nine of us visitors. One, how did we hear about them? Two, did we have a church we called home? They were great, the conversation was great. One thing I noticed is a bonding with the other visitors. We didn't feel alone in a new place. The pastor and his wife were real. They wanted to help us grow in our relationship with God. They were transparent. They shared everything. This church was serving. Every person there was a servant of Christ, brothers and sisters of Jesus, friends to Him and anyone who walked through the door needing one.
Yes, I know, you have to go to a church for awhile to find out what they are really about. Eventually you will see their faults and shortcomings. I know that because they told us that. They didn't claim to be perfect, to have everything we needed. They did promise to love us the best way they knew how. One thing he talked about that blew me away, was they discipline. For instance, if they have someone ministering who is not living according to God's will, as he put, "I tell them to sit down." Until they correct their behavior, they are not allowed to lead. You can't live with your girlfriend and lead worship. You can't be getting drunk and leading the prayer team. They expect a maturity in their leadership and I respect that. As a teenager in the family of God, I personally need grownups leading. I need people I can look up to. I don't need perfect people who never make mistakes, but the more mature, the more like Jesus, the more I want to follow the leader. Take it from someone who had a child at 15 years old, if we have kids raising kids, we end up with a bunch of children. Even Jesus was not allowed to teach until He reached adulthood.
“I want the presence of God Himself, or I don't want anything at all to do with religion... I want all that God has or I don't want any.”
― A.W. Tozer
--Brennan Manning
Yesterday was one of those days. I pray everyone has one of "those days" often. The Lord was with me from beginning to end. I know He is every day, but when I have one of "those days" I am aware of Him every second of that day.
I began my day sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, with my earphones blaring good worship music. Then it hit me, I can go to any church I want today. Two of my very good friends were going to check out a church none of us had ever been to. They saw the churches float in a parade. Funny way to hear about a church. I jumped in the shower and headed out to meet them. I knew this was the Lord's will and he had something to show me.
The church was awesome. When we walked in the door we were met by several people who introduced themselves and some even hugged us. I wouldn't normally think this was a greeting I wanted, but it actually felt like a family who was welcoming us into eat at their table. Sometimes when we step into a church and it feels like a family lives there, it also feels like you have to pass a test to be invited to stay. This was not that way at all. They even tried very hard to remember our names. It caused some laughter.
Then, as though we were truly visiting a home, one woman led us to the sanctuary while pointing out the restrooms, the coffee, etc. She also introduced us to others. We almost felt like royalty. As we sat waiting for the service to begin, I looked over at one of my friends who already had tears in her eyes, and she said, "Oh, I feel His presence here." We all felt it. We were right where God wanted us and it felt safe and warm and welcoming. For a second we all battled feeling under dressed, because unlike most of the churches we have visited, several of the people here wore suits and nice dresses. But, the more we looked around there were people in jeans and flip flops too, and we shut the mouth of the enemy who desperately wanted us to feel like we did not belong.
At the beginning of the service they played a short video explaining their goals in representing God in their church. It was everything we wanted. The church belonged to God, to do with whatever He wanted. There were no goals for numbers filling the seats, for changing the world, for impressing the visitors. Their main goal was to follow the Holy Spirit. Their goals were to be like Jesus in love, healing, casting out demons and leading unbelievers to Christ. There was a freedom in the church that I had never felt before. The pastor did not sit behind a pulpit, but instead walked around making eye contact with individuals. He spoke truth. He spoke from his heart and from his experience. I felt like I was listening to a friend, a brother, a man with Jesus in his heart and the light was beaming out over all of us. I wanted to stay there. I didn't want it to end. I didn't care about what the clock said, I wanted to hear more.
I never dreamed I would like the idea, but toward the end of the service, after the pastor and his family left the sanctuary together, they called out the first time visitors to follow a woman to a room. Scary? Nope! We were being taken to a room to meet the pastor and his wife. Why? He told us that he learned through experience that his regulars always approached him after services and that left him no time to meet the visitors. He really wanted to talk with us, so they led us to a room where we all sat around a table and waited for the pastor and his wife. While we waited, we were asked to fill out a survey, not on our beliefs, but on our favorite and least favorite parts of our visit. They wanted to improve. Who better to ask?
The pastor had two questions for the nine of us visitors. One, how did we hear about them? Two, did we have a church we called home? They were great, the conversation was great. One thing I noticed is a bonding with the other visitors. We didn't feel alone in a new place. The pastor and his wife were real. They wanted to help us grow in our relationship with God. They were transparent. They shared everything. This church was serving. Every person there was a servant of Christ, brothers and sisters of Jesus, friends to Him and anyone who walked through the door needing one.
Yes, I know, you have to go to a church for awhile to find out what they are really about. Eventually you will see their faults and shortcomings. I know that because they told us that. They didn't claim to be perfect, to have everything we needed. They did promise to love us the best way they knew how. One thing he talked about that blew me away, was they discipline. For instance, if they have someone ministering who is not living according to God's will, as he put, "I tell them to sit down." Until they correct their behavior, they are not allowed to lead. You can't live with your girlfriend and lead worship. You can't be getting drunk and leading the prayer team. They expect a maturity in their leadership and I respect that. As a teenager in the family of God, I personally need grownups leading. I need people I can look up to. I don't need perfect people who never make mistakes, but the more mature, the more like Jesus, the more I want to follow the leader. Take it from someone who had a child at 15 years old, if we have kids raising kids, we end up with a bunch of children. Even Jesus was not allowed to teach until He reached adulthood.
“I want the presence of God Himself, or I don't want anything at all to do with religion... I want all that God has or I don't want any.”
― A.W. Tozer
Friday, June 21, 2013
Who is Driving?
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
― Ernest Hemingway
It is so much easier to see someone else's struggles than our own. I believe there are times when the Lord shows us another's battle so we can see our own much clearer. Even though we know how difficult it is, we can clearly see when a person is not completely letting go. They hang on to some little corner of an issue that God is very clearly saying, "Give it to me. Give it all to me." I get a picture of a small child with a security blanket. His mother comes to get it from him because it desperately needs to be washed and as she takes a hold of it she finds him holding on to the corner, looking the other way as though he is totally unaware his little fingers are white from gripping one small little corner. She waits patiently for him to realize that she knows he is still holding on. "Release the blanket, child so I can wash it." Sounds a lot like the Lord to me, "Release the issue my beloved child so it can be washed in the blood." He won't pull it from our grubby little hands, we have to let it go.
Another way to look at it is a father taking his young son on a trip to the store with him. "Would you like to go with me?", the father asks. The boy jumps in the driver's seat eager to go along and please his dad. The father waits patiently for the child to realize he is in the wrong seat. Dad has to be the driver. As they pull into traffic the boy reaches over to steer the car. This does not work either, but we all do it. "Sure God, take the driver's seat, but let me steer."
When we finally surrender the wheel, we still reach down to control the gas pedal. Dad might be in charge of where we are going, but we think we can control how fast we get there. We wouldn't want to rush into anything we are not prepared for. (Even if God knows we are ready) We struggle to knock His foot off the gas pedal and when that fails, we hit the brakes.
So the youngster finally surrenders the steering wheel (direction) and the gas and brake pedals (speed). As they pull up to a stop sign the child hollers out to one of his friends to come along. This will make the trip more fun, he thinks. Dad has other ideas. Maybe this trip is for the two of them or maybe he will be inviting people along his son doesn't really like. Do we surrender this part of the journey to Him? There are so many parts of the journey we don't even realize we are trying to control. God says, "I know what is best."
Then the boy flips on the radio and scans through the channels. Dad waits patiently for him to realize he does not approve of the voices the child is hearing. Maybe we are taking advice from the wrong person. Maybe we are not listening to someone God has chosen. Maybe He wants the radio off so that He is the only one we listen to about this issue.
I understand why He calls us his children, because we so much act like children. Even when it rains, we want to stay home, not go out, close the curtains and beg for sunshine. Dad just flips on the windshield wipers and keeps us moving forward.
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Carrie Underwood - Jesus take the Wheel
― Ernest Hemingway
It is so much easier to see someone else's struggles than our own. I believe there are times when the Lord shows us another's battle so we can see our own much clearer. Even though we know how difficult it is, we can clearly see when a person is not completely letting go. They hang on to some little corner of an issue that God is very clearly saying, "Give it to me. Give it all to me." I get a picture of a small child with a security blanket. His mother comes to get it from him because it desperately needs to be washed and as she takes a hold of it she finds him holding on to the corner, looking the other way as though he is totally unaware his little fingers are white from gripping one small little corner. She waits patiently for him to realize that she knows he is still holding on. "Release the blanket, child so I can wash it." Sounds a lot like the Lord to me, "Release the issue my beloved child so it can be washed in the blood." He won't pull it from our grubby little hands, we have to let it go.
Another way to look at it is a father taking his young son on a trip to the store with him. "Would you like to go with me?", the father asks. The boy jumps in the driver's seat eager to go along and please his dad. The father waits patiently for the child to realize he is in the wrong seat. Dad has to be the driver. As they pull into traffic the boy reaches over to steer the car. This does not work either, but we all do it. "Sure God, take the driver's seat, but let me steer."
When we finally surrender the wheel, we still reach down to control the gas pedal. Dad might be in charge of where we are going, but we think we can control how fast we get there. We wouldn't want to rush into anything we are not prepared for. (Even if God knows we are ready) We struggle to knock His foot off the gas pedal and when that fails, we hit the brakes.
So the youngster finally surrenders the steering wheel (direction) and the gas and brake pedals (speed). As they pull up to a stop sign the child hollers out to one of his friends to come along. This will make the trip more fun, he thinks. Dad has other ideas. Maybe this trip is for the two of them or maybe he will be inviting people along his son doesn't really like. Do we surrender this part of the journey to Him? There are so many parts of the journey we don't even realize we are trying to control. God says, "I know what is best."
Then the boy flips on the radio and scans through the channels. Dad waits patiently for him to realize he does not approve of the voices the child is hearing. Maybe we are taking advice from the wrong person. Maybe we are not listening to someone God has chosen. Maybe He wants the radio off so that He is the only one we listen to about this issue.
I understand why He calls us his children, because we so much act like children. Even when it rains, we want to stay home, not go out, close the curtains and beg for sunshine. Dad just flips on the windshield wipers and keeps us moving forward.
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Carrie Underwood - Jesus take the Wheel
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Monkey, Mutton, or Pig?
“Spiritual warfare is very real. There is a furious, fierce, and ferocious battle raging in the realm of the spirit between the forces of God and the forces of evil. Warfare happens every day, all the time. Whether you believe it or not, you are in a battlefield. You are in warfare.”
― Pedro Okoro - Crushing the Devil
Have you ever watched a documentary on monkeys? They have their little ones clinging to them at all times and they go through life like they are totally unaware they have a monkey on their back. Some species even mate with the babies attached, chewing on a little bamboo or whatever that is they are chewing on. They climb trees, eat and lounge around with this little creature clinging to them. All I could think of while I watched was how many people walk around all day doing normal things with a demon attached to them. If you have Jesus in your heart you cannot be possessed by a demon, but they can still cling on like no body's business.
I find it very difficult to be aware of these little creatures, when the carrier is not. It's frustrating. You can't just walk up to somebody and start casting stuff off them. That would have freaked me out before I was aware. I was blessed to be introduced to people who knew what they were doing and explained to me with patience and in detail what was going on.
After learning to cast spirits off of me I was more like one of those sheep in a mutton race. They place little kids on sheep and they try to hold on while the sheep are racing around. Most of the time the kid falls off. The sheep recognizes something is wrong and this little demon doesn't belong on their back so they ditch them. It's funny to watch a mutton race, but not so funny to watch one of God's sheep trying to outrun the demonic on their back.
What are we shooting for? Sounds crazy but we all need to become like greased pigs. Have you ever tried to catch a greased pig? Try as you might to hang on, but it is nearly impossible. The grease we should be using is forgiveness. When we forgive ourselves and others it makes it nearly impossible for the enemy to hang on to us. When he says, "I saw what he did to you." We can respond with, "I have forgiven him." What can the enemy do now? Without being greased up in forgiveness he can grab a hold of us and throw us back into the pit of anger, hate, and victim.
I know it sounds kind of silly, but sometimes the Holy Spirit likes to lighten things up a bit. He has to use animals and animation to get through to me. In this case, bacon is good for us. Dripping with grease bacon. Now I am hungry.
“If you feel so overwhelmed, engulfed, and inundated by your problems and difficulties that you want to give up, stop and think. It may be the Enemy at work.”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ
― Pedro Okoro - Crushing the Devil
Have you ever watched a documentary on monkeys? They have their little ones clinging to them at all times and they go through life like they are totally unaware they have a monkey on their back. Some species even mate with the babies attached, chewing on a little bamboo or whatever that is they are chewing on. They climb trees, eat and lounge around with this little creature clinging to them. All I could think of while I watched was how many people walk around all day doing normal things with a demon attached to them. If you have Jesus in your heart you cannot be possessed by a demon, but they can still cling on like no body's business.
I find it very difficult to be aware of these little creatures, when the carrier is not. It's frustrating. You can't just walk up to somebody and start casting stuff off them. That would have freaked me out before I was aware. I was blessed to be introduced to people who knew what they were doing and explained to me with patience and in detail what was going on.
After learning to cast spirits off of me I was more like one of those sheep in a mutton race. They place little kids on sheep and they try to hold on while the sheep are racing around. Most of the time the kid falls off. The sheep recognizes something is wrong and this little demon doesn't belong on their back so they ditch them. It's funny to watch a mutton race, but not so funny to watch one of God's sheep trying to outrun the demonic on their back.
What are we shooting for? Sounds crazy but we all need to become like greased pigs. Have you ever tried to catch a greased pig? Try as you might to hang on, but it is nearly impossible. The grease we should be using is forgiveness. When we forgive ourselves and others it makes it nearly impossible for the enemy to hang on to us. When he says, "I saw what he did to you." We can respond with, "I have forgiven him." What can the enemy do now? Without being greased up in forgiveness he can grab a hold of us and throw us back into the pit of anger, hate, and victim.
I know it sounds kind of silly, but sometimes the Holy Spirit likes to lighten things up a bit. He has to use animals and animation to get through to me. In this case, bacon is good for us. Dripping with grease bacon. Now I am hungry.
“If you feel so overwhelmed, engulfed, and inundated by your problems and difficulties that you want to give up, stop and think. It may be the Enemy at work.”
― Pedro Okoro, Crushing the Devil: Your Guide to Spiritual Warfare and Victory in Christ
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
E.G.O.
"We do not stand in any experience which we have had, we do not stand in any progress which we have made, we do not stand in our success in the battle against sin. We stand in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which he has justified us.”
― Peter Jensen
Years ago, there was a young girl around 12 or 13 years old. She was having a friend spend the night with her at her home. They had been in her room most of the night with the door closed, giggling and whispering like normal girls her age. Her older sister was in the kitchen when she smelled marijuana. Without thinking she spoke it out, "Something smells like pot over here." Her parents sprung into action. Within minutes all hell had broken loose and the friend was taken home. Discipline was administered and what was supposed to be a fun night was destroyed. Now, alone in her room, was she feeling remorse? Was it for getting caught? Or was it for the actual act of smoking a little weed. Did she really think she could get high in her room and not have the smell travel into every corner of the house through the air ducts? Silly little girl.
The first sign of possible bad behavior was the closed door. But even with the door closed the odor of the sin filled the house. We do this with God. Before we commit a sin we reach over and swing closed the door between us and God. We get this false belief that with the door closed somehow He doesn't see what we are doing. A lot of times a parent can tell something is about to go down before it even happens. Maybe it's silence, sneaky behavior, endless chatter, or simply a closed door. We know our kids and we sense when something is up. Even as toddlers there is often a change in behavior before the actual naughtiness takes place. When our kids are little we even laugh about their belief that they are fooling us.
God knows what is going to happen behind that closed door before we close the door, or even before the thought crosses our mind to commit the sin. He doesn't depend on the odor of our sin to permeate through the heating system. Sometimes when we sense our kids are up to something we sneak around watching them or repeatedly check in with them to see if we can get a sense of what they are up to. What does Jesus do?
I've noticed there are times when He steps back and waits quietly for me to realize what I am doing and that He is there no matter how many doors I try to close between us. Sometimes He floods me with love when He knows what is going through my mind, when I think about doing something I shouldn't do. In the past I have learned to picture Him next to me, not neatly tucked away behind a closed door. I soon find myself confessing to Him my thoughts and the desire to gossip, drink, scream at somebody, or whatever the sin is, goes away.
One of the things we do as parents is to stay with our kids. If we stay with them constantly they may give up on whatever idea is swimming in their head. We say "I love you" to heap guilt on them. What happens? They can't get away from us fast enough. Why does it work for Jesus to follow us around speaking "love" words, but it doesn't work for us? I believe it is because His "I love you" is not filled to the brim with condition and guilt. His "I love you" is unconditional. He might as well be saying, "Whether you go through with this sin or not, I am waiting outside this door you closed and My love for you will not decrease while you are running from Me."
The distance between us and God is determined by us alone. He never walks away. He never moves away from the door we closed, because when we open it again, He is right there, waiting with just as much love for us as He had before we slammed the door in His face. (OK, maybe you are one of those who gently closes it when you think He is not looking.) I, myself, am a door slammer.
We sit and shake our heads and stress out when our kids put distance between us and close doors, but Jesus does not. He waits patiently, though He may weep. There are similarities between a parent shut out by a door and Jesus when we shut him out, but worry and stress are not part of it for Him. Yes, sometimes when we open the door there is discipline, but there is always, always, always Love.
E.G.O. = Edging God Out.
― Peter Jensen
Years ago, there was a young girl around 12 or 13 years old. She was having a friend spend the night with her at her home. They had been in her room most of the night with the door closed, giggling and whispering like normal girls her age. Her older sister was in the kitchen when she smelled marijuana. Without thinking she spoke it out, "Something smells like pot over here." Her parents sprung into action. Within minutes all hell had broken loose and the friend was taken home. Discipline was administered and what was supposed to be a fun night was destroyed. Now, alone in her room, was she feeling remorse? Was it for getting caught? Or was it for the actual act of smoking a little weed. Did she really think she could get high in her room and not have the smell travel into every corner of the house through the air ducts? Silly little girl.
The first sign of possible bad behavior was the closed door. But even with the door closed the odor of the sin filled the house. We do this with God. Before we commit a sin we reach over and swing closed the door between us and God. We get this false belief that with the door closed somehow He doesn't see what we are doing. A lot of times a parent can tell something is about to go down before it even happens. Maybe it's silence, sneaky behavior, endless chatter, or simply a closed door. We know our kids and we sense when something is up. Even as toddlers there is often a change in behavior before the actual naughtiness takes place. When our kids are little we even laugh about their belief that they are fooling us.
God knows what is going to happen behind that closed door before we close the door, or even before the thought crosses our mind to commit the sin. He doesn't depend on the odor of our sin to permeate through the heating system. Sometimes when we sense our kids are up to something we sneak around watching them or repeatedly check in with them to see if we can get a sense of what they are up to. What does Jesus do?
I've noticed there are times when He steps back and waits quietly for me to realize what I am doing and that He is there no matter how many doors I try to close between us. Sometimes He floods me with love when He knows what is going through my mind, when I think about doing something I shouldn't do. In the past I have learned to picture Him next to me, not neatly tucked away behind a closed door. I soon find myself confessing to Him my thoughts and the desire to gossip, drink, scream at somebody, or whatever the sin is, goes away.
One of the things we do as parents is to stay with our kids. If we stay with them constantly they may give up on whatever idea is swimming in their head. We say "I love you" to heap guilt on them. What happens? They can't get away from us fast enough. Why does it work for Jesus to follow us around speaking "love" words, but it doesn't work for us? I believe it is because His "I love you" is not filled to the brim with condition and guilt. His "I love you" is unconditional. He might as well be saying, "Whether you go through with this sin or not, I am waiting outside this door you closed and My love for you will not decrease while you are running from Me."
The distance between us and God is determined by us alone. He never walks away. He never moves away from the door we closed, because when we open it again, He is right there, waiting with just as much love for us as He had before we slammed the door in His face. (OK, maybe you are one of those who gently closes it when you think He is not looking.) I, myself, am a door slammer.
We sit and shake our heads and stress out when our kids put distance between us and close doors, but Jesus does not. He waits patiently, though He may weep. There are similarities between a parent shut out by a door and Jesus when we shut him out, but worry and stress are not part of it for Him. Yes, sometimes when we open the door there is discipline, but there is always, always, always Love.
E.G.O. = Edging God Out.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Apples and Anger
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey
Let's talk about apples. Let's just say you have never tasted an apple in your life and I want to explain to you what it is like to eat an apple. I can give you facts. The apple is the pomaceous fruit of the apple tree, species Malus domestica in the rose family. Apples grow on small deciduous trees. They have grown for thousands of years in Asia and Europe. Okay how about a few simpler facts. There are more than 7500 known cultivars of apples?
About 69 million tons of apples were grown worldwide in 2010, and China produced almost half of this total. The United States is the second-leading producer, with more than 6% of world production. Turkey is third, followed by Italy, India and Poland. Apples are often eaten raw, but can also be found in many prepared foods (especially desserts) and drinks. Many beneficial health effects have been found from eating apples; however, two forms of allergies are seen to various proteins found in the fruit.
Do you know what an apple tastes like now? Probably not. I could have you hold one, touch it, feel the texture, even cut it open and see inside, the juice, the seeds, and the very core. Or better yet, I could give you a drink of apple juice or one bite from an apple, but would you really know what it's like to sit down and eat an apple? Would you know what it is like to get a piece of the skin caught between your teeth? Would you know the difference between the taste of the skin or of the juice?
I could tell you that I can't eat an apple without twisting off the stem. I could tell you that I prefer to shave off the skin and cut my apples into slices. Sometimes I prefer to leave the skin on. Sometimes I get a stomach ache after an apple. Sometimes they are firm and sometimes they get mushy. I prefer the firm apple. I like them juicy, but the juice is sticky when it gets on my face and that's why I prefer slices. Do you know what it's like to eat an apple now?
Why this long drawn out explanation of apples? Let me explain. I have been volunteering as house director at a home for sexually exploited women. God is stretching me. It has been an experience I will not forget. Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that one of the women is getting in touch with her anger. She actually took off and nobody knew for sure where she was going, just that she was angry. I found her. Anger has been a huge part of my healing. I believe that this was all a part of God's plan. I could say "I get it" I understand how you feel. All that has been taken from a victim is not understood by the rest of the world. We numb ourselves to the loss and keep moving forward to survive. We tell ourselves it doesn't really matter. It is a lie believed for the purpose of survival.
I can tell you about the anger that comes with losing your virginity by force. The sadness you feel every time someone talks about how they shared their first time with the person of their choice. How it will never be special to me. I can talk about how angry I get when someone says to me, "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." They may be speaking of getting up and going to work, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, or loving someone who is difficult, but what comes to my mind is the fact that I have had to do many things I didn't want to my whole life, like give up my virginity to rape, watch another girl be molested while I was helpless to stop it, or stop crying right now or get hit again. I know we have to do things we don't want to do, probably better than most.
There are other things like being afraid to walk into a grocery store to buy milk, but I had kids to feed. There is no way an other person can fully understand the feelings of anger, sadness, unworthiness, despair, depression and so on and so on, unless they have experienced it. Like eating the apple, how can I explain it to a degree that anyone could understand. I do not know what it is like to lose a parent, but can only imagine what it feels like. I don't know what it's like to lose a family member to murder. I lost my best friend in a car accident with a drunk driver, but that's like taking one bite of the whole apple, I only got a taste. You may be able to see the apple core, but you wouldn't experience eating it just to know how it tastes.
Experience is powerful. We can talk all day about bungee jumping, sky diving, driving a car, giving birth to a child or God, but until you have experienced these things, it's a guessing game. As with God, you can read the bible all day, but do you really get it until you have experienced Him. Until you hear His voice in your heart, until you feel the love in His presence, or see him heal a part of your heart, can you really believe in this almighty, all powerful God? I can tell you what it's like to be rocked by Jesus and I can tell you what it's like when I see a miracle healing. I can tell you what it's like to have Him move the clouds for me or whisper about his love for the men who abused me, but do you really "get God" without the experience?
I have asked myself several times why I can experience God in such big ways and still battle believing that He even cares if I am breathing. It doesn't make sense. I feel guilty that I can turn away so quickly and easily after the many experiences I have had with Him. He explained it to me. Dave used to tell me that it takes as long to get out as it took to get in. This no longer is a time issue with me. I thought this meant it would take me 40 years to be healed since I had experienced 40 years of brokenness. I don't see it this way anymore. The way I believe God explained it to me is it takes just as much healing as there is brokenness. As much evil as I have experienced, I have to experience that much good, that much God. When situations make me feel, I tend to shut down, whether those feelings are good or bad. I am learning to stay present through the good. I am learning to stay present with God. It's been 2 years and 5 days since I reached out of my darkness and asked for help. The darkness is still more familiar than the light. Two years is not 40 and the healing has not happened for all the parts broken.
I hear several of my friends who talk about the different ways that God talks to them. Just like a parent with each of their children I believe each of us has a different relationship with Christ. But it's through the experience itself that the relationship is formed and grows. We can't go through life hearing the stories of other's experiences and even reading the Word and know what a relationship with Jesus is about. Our testimonies are so important to share, like when a person hears about parenthood and they want to experience it. It puts the desire in their heart, though they can't understand it completely without the experience.
If someone gave me a 200 year written out history of a family, I might find it interesting, but if I found out it was my family, I would probably see it differently. A love letter might bring a smile to my face, but if it was written to me and I experienced reading the words of someone who truly loved me, that could change my heart.
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey
Let's talk about apples. Let's just say you have never tasted an apple in your life and I want to explain to you what it is like to eat an apple. I can give you facts. The apple is the pomaceous fruit of the apple tree, species Malus domestica in the rose family. Apples grow on small deciduous trees. They have grown for thousands of years in Asia and Europe. Okay how about a few simpler facts. There are more than 7500 known cultivars of apples?
About 69 million tons of apples were grown worldwide in 2010, and China produced almost half of this total. The United States is the second-leading producer, with more than 6% of world production. Turkey is third, followed by Italy, India and Poland. Apples are often eaten raw, but can also be found in many prepared foods (especially desserts) and drinks. Many beneficial health effects have been found from eating apples; however, two forms of allergies are seen to various proteins found in the fruit.
Do you know what an apple tastes like now? Probably not. I could have you hold one, touch it, feel the texture, even cut it open and see inside, the juice, the seeds, and the very core. Or better yet, I could give you a drink of apple juice or one bite from an apple, but would you really know what it's like to sit down and eat an apple? Would you know what it is like to get a piece of the skin caught between your teeth? Would you know the difference between the taste of the skin or of the juice?
I could tell you that I can't eat an apple without twisting off the stem. I could tell you that I prefer to shave off the skin and cut my apples into slices. Sometimes I prefer to leave the skin on. Sometimes I get a stomach ache after an apple. Sometimes they are firm and sometimes they get mushy. I prefer the firm apple. I like them juicy, but the juice is sticky when it gets on my face and that's why I prefer slices. Do you know what it's like to eat an apple now?
Why this long drawn out explanation of apples? Let me explain. I have been volunteering as house director at a home for sexually exploited women. God is stretching me. It has been an experience I will not forget. Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that one of the women is getting in touch with her anger. She actually took off and nobody knew for sure where she was going, just that she was angry. I found her. Anger has been a huge part of my healing. I believe that this was all a part of God's plan. I could say "I get it" I understand how you feel. All that has been taken from a victim is not understood by the rest of the world. We numb ourselves to the loss and keep moving forward to survive. We tell ourselves it doesn't really matter. It is a lie believed for the purpose of survival.
I can tell you about the anger that comes with losing your virginity by force. The sadness you feel every time someone talks about how they shared their first time with the person of their choice. How it will never be special to me. I can talk about how angry I get when someone says to me, "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." They may be speaking of getting up and going to work, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, or loving someone who is difficult, but what comes to my mind is the fact that I have had to do many things I didn't want to my whole life, like give up my virginity to rape, watch another girl be molested while I was helpless to stop it, or stop crying right now or get hit again. I know we have to do things we don't want to do, probably better than most.
There are other things like being afraid to walk into a grocery store to buy milk, but I had kids to feed. There is no way an other person can fully understand the feelings of anger, sadness, unworthiness, despair, depression and so on and so on, unless they have experienced it. Like eating the apple, how can I explain it to a degree that anyone could understand. I do not know what it is like to lose a parent, but can only imagine what it feels like. I don't know what it's like to lose a family member to murder. I lost my best friend in a car accident with a drunk driver, but that's like taking one bite of the whole apple, I only got a taste. You may be able to see the apple core, but you wouldn't experience eating it just to know how it tastes.
Experience is powerful. We can talk all day about bungee jumping, sky diving, driving a car, giving birth to a child or God, but until you have experienced these things, it's a guessing game. As with God, you can read the bible all day, but do you really get it until you have experienced Him. Until you hear His voice in your heart, until you feel the love in His presence, or see him heal a part of your heart, can you really believe in this almighty, all powerful God? I can tell you what it's like to be rocked by Jesus and I can tell you what it's like when I see a miracle healing. I can tell you what it's like to have Him move the clouds for me or whisper about his love for the men who abused me, but do you really "get God" without the experience?
I have asked myself several times why I can experience God in such big ways and still battle believing that He even cares if I am breathing. It doesn't make sense. I feel guilty that I can turn away so quickly and easily after the many experiences I have had with Him. He explained it to me. Dave used to tell me that it takes as long to get out as it took to get in. This no longer is a time issue with me. I thought this meant it would take me 40 years to be healed since I had experienced 40 years of brokenness. I don't see it this way anymore. The way I believe God explained it to me is it takes just as much healing as there is brokenness. As much evil as I have experienced, I have to experience that much good, that much God. When situations make me feel, I tend to shut down, whether those feelings are good or bad. I am learning to stay present through the good. I am learning to stay present with God. It's been 2 years and 5 days since I reached out of my darkness and asked for help. The darkness is still more familiar than the light. Two years is not 40 and the healing has not happened for all the parts broken.
I hear several of my friends who talk about the different ways that God talks to them. Just like a parent with each of their children I believe each of us has a different relationship with Christ. But it's through the experience itself that the relationship is formed and grows. We can't go through life hearing the stories of other's experiences and even reading the Word and know what a relationship with Jesus is about. Our testimonies are so important to share, like when a person hears about parenthood and they want to experience it. It puts the desire in their heart, though they can't understand it completely without the experience.
If someone gave me a 200 year written out history of a family, I might find it interesting, but if I found out it was my family, I would probably see it differently. A love letter might bring a smile to my face, but if it was written to me and I experienced reading the words of someone who truly loved me, that could change my heart.
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Triggers and Trauma
“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.”
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God
The subject I want to talk about today is "triggers". Addicts, abuse victims and people who have experienced trauma understand this word more than anyone, but I would guess everyone understands triggers to a degree. Triggers are anything that takes you back to a place you don't want to go, back to old feelings and even old behavior. For the addict it may be a song that makes them want to use. For the abuse victim it may be a face or story that makes them want to crawl under their bed. It can be as simple as a piece of clothing that reminds a person of a lost loved one and the tears come without warning and they don't want to face the day. Triggers can be controlled, but only to a degree. An alcoholic stays out of a bar for instance, can't control the advertisement for her favorite whiskey in a magazine she is thumbing through. In AA they teach you to deal with triggers, maybe call a friend, get to a meeting or go sit in church.
To the outside world a person may seem all together, but there is no way for us to know what goes on in a person's head. I have friends who see me as a person who has beaten a lot of my fears in the last months and I have conquered them here and there, but nobody can know what that means. They don't know that I begged God to be with me before I left the house. They don't know that I am seconds from panic. Sometimes I share these moments, but other times I don't. Why? Because sometimes asking, speaking it out takes the power out of it. Sometimes someone else knowing where I am mentally gives me strength, but there are other times when it has the opposite affect. Speaking it out seems to give it power. So, to the outside world things are fine and most times they are, but as I walk through this journey God has laid out for me, He is calling me to bigger things that can momentarily take me back to square one, because the same old devil is fighting me the same way he always has, but with a new determination. New levels, new devils.
We can think we understand another person, because we have experienced the same thing, but this is not always true. For example, two people may have suffered a beating, to the point of almost losing their life and they experience a lot of the same feelings, fears, and stages of healing. But, if one is beaten by a spouse and the other is beaten by a stranger there are going to be huge differences. I read once that the relationship between two people before abuse affects how the abused sees the situation. This made so much sense to me. Being molested by a grandfather is going to affect a person a lot different than if it was a friend's older brother. I am not saying one situation is less traumatic than another, they are just different. When we don't feel heard by a friend it hurts, but when we don't feel heard by a stranger we write it off faster.
I was at an AA meeting where a woman talked about a little saying her sponsor used on her. "It's not the amount of tricks you've turned, it's why you were turning tricks." The topic was facing character defects, so she implied that turning tricks was a choice. This woman said this with a woman in the room who had been forced into prostitution by her family for most of her life. All I could do was shake my head. What a HUGE trigger. My first thought, was why don't people think before they speak, but it soon went to "I wonder how many times I have said something so stupid?"
We can't always prevent triggers from falling out of our mouths. And we can't always decide we know what someone else needs or doesn't need. This is a good reason to constantly be listening to the Holy Spirit's instruction. He will stop us from saying the wrong thing if we listen. At the same time, the enemy wants words to come from us that will send an addict back to using, and abuse victim back into hiding, or a person in grief back to crying. Take every thought captive, before converting them to words. This is so important because there is life and death in words.
We also have no idea what God is doing in an other's life no matter how smart we think we are. If somebody is down and out and we want to help, God may stop that. Why? Maybe He is teaching them to ask for help. Maybe He is teaching them to rely on Him. We can show up on our white horse and totally destroy God's plan. I believe there are more well intentioned heart slashing's than deliberate. Don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions? God is looking for a people He can trust. Do we trust people who don't even listen to us? Why would God?
Can you imagine being the foreman at a construction site and nobody listens to you or they decide they know better than you. You have one guy building a frame for a wall 2 feet taller than the other walls. Maybe you have a guy who decided to buy bigger windows than what the frames were built for. Really? I wonder if this is what God feels like sometimes?
There is a difference between making a mistake while trying to follow God's will and deliberately putting our own will before His. His thinking is beyond ours and He knows the whole story. I just finished writing my story. The book starts when I was about 11 years old and ends 7 months ago, but I no longer think of it as my story, it's my part in God's story. He is the Author and we each have our own chapter, but we have to decide if we are going to write it ourselves or allow Him to write it through us.
“Will God ever ask you to do something you are not able to do? The answer is yes--all the time! It must be that way, for God's glory and kingdom. If we function according to our ability alone, we get the glory; if we function according to the power of the Spirit within us, God gets the glory. He wants to reveal Himself to a watching world.”
― Henry T. Blackaby, Experiencing the Spirit: The Power of Pentecost Every Day
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God
The subject I want to talk about today is "triggers". Addicts, abuse victims and people who have experienced trauma understand this word more than anyone, but I would guess everyone understands triggers to a degree. Triggers are anything that takes you back to a place you don't want to go, back to old feelings and even old behavior. For the addict it may be a song that makes them want to use. For the abuse victim it may be a face or story that makes them want to crawl under their bed. It can be as simple as a piece of clothing that reminds a person of a lost loved one and the tears come without warning and they don't want to face the day. Triggers can be controlled, but only to a degree. An alcoholic stays out of a bar for instance, can't control the advertisement for her favorite whiskey in a magazine she is thumbing through. In AA they teach you to deal with triggers, maybe call a friend, get to a meeting or go sit in church.
To the outside world a person may seem all together, but there is no way for us to know what goes on in a person's head. I have friends who see me as a person who has beaten a lot of my fears in the last months and I have conquered them here and there, but nobody can know what that means. They don't know that I begged God to be with me before I left the house. They don't know that I am seconds from panic. Sometimes I share these moments, but other times I don't. Why? Because sometimes asking, speaking it out takes the power out of it. Sometimes someone else knowing where I am mentally gives me strength, but there are other times when it has the opposite affect. Speaking it out seems to give it power. So, to the outside world things are fine and most times they are, but as I walk through this journey God has laid out for me, He is calling me to bigger things that can momentarily take me back to square one, because the same old devil is fighting me the same way he always has, but with a new determination. New levels, new devils.
We can think we understand another person, because we have experienced the same thing, but this is not always true. For example, two people may have suffered a beating, to the point of almost losing their life and they experience a lot of the same feelings, fears, and stages of healing. But, if one is beaten by a spouse and the other is beaten by a stranger there are going to be huge differences. I read once that the relationship between two people before abuse affects how the abused sees the situation. This made so much sense to me. Being molested by a grandfather is going to affect a person a lot different than if it was a friend's older brother. I am not saying one situation is less traumatic than another, they are just different. When we don't feel heard by a friend it hurts, but when we don't feel heard by a stranger we write it off faster.
I was at an AA meeting where a woman talked about a little saying her sponsor used on her. "It's not the amount of tricks you've turned, it's why you were turning tricks." The topic was facing character defects, so she implied that turning tricks was a choice. This woman said this with a woman in the room who had been forced into prostitution by her family for most of her life. All I could do was shake my head. What a HUGE trigger. My first thought, was why don't people think before they speak, but it soon went to "I wonder how many times I have said something so stupid?"
We can't always prevent triggers from falling out of our mouths. And we can't always decide we know what someone else needs or doesn't need. This is a good reason to constantly be listening to the Holy Spirit's instruction. He will stop us from saying the wrong thing if we listen. At the same time, the enemy wants words to come from us that will send an addict back to using, and abuse victim back into hiding, or a person in grief back to crying. Take every thought captive, before converting them to words. This is so important because there is life and death in words.
We also have no idea what God is doing in an other's life no matter how smart we think we are. If somebody is down and out and we want to help, God may stop that. Why? Maybe He is teaching them to ask for help. Maybe He is teaching them to rely on Him. We can show up on our white horse and totally destroy God's plan. I believe there are more well intentioned heart slashing's than deliberate. Don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions? God is looking for a people He can trust. Do we trust people who don't even listen to us? Why would God?
Can you imagine being the foreman at a construction site and nobody listens to you or they decide they know better than you. You have one guy building a frame for a wall 2 feet taller than the other walls. Maybe you have a guy who decided to buy bigger windows than what the frames were built for. Really? I wonder if this is what God feels like sometimes?
There is a difference between making a mistake while trying to follow God's will and deliberately putting our own will before His. His thinking is beyond ours and He knows the whole story. I just finished writing my story. The book starts when I was about 11 years old and ends 7 months ago, but I no longer think of it as my story, it's my part in God's story. He is the Author and we each have our own chapter, but we have to decide if we are going to write it ourselves or allow Him to write it through us.
“Will God ever ask you to do something you are not able to do? The answer is yes--all the time! It must be that way, for God's glory and kingdom. If we function according to our ability alone, we get the glory; if we function according to the power of the Spirit within us, God gets the glory. He wants to reveal Himself to a watching world.”
― Henry T. Blackaby, Experiencing the Spirit: The Power of Pentecost Every Day
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