"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey
Let's talk about apples. Let's just say you have never tasted an apple in your life and I want to explain to you what it is like to eat an apple. I can give you facts. The apple is the pomaceous fruit of the apple tree, species Malus domestica in the rose family. Apples grow on small deciduous trees. They have grown for thousands of years in Asia and Europe. Okay how about a few simpler facts. There are more than 7500 known cultivars of apples?
About 69 million tons of apples were grown worldwide in 2010, and China produced almost half of this total. The United States is the second-leading producer, with more than 6% of world production. Turkey is third, followed by Italy, India and Poland. Apples are often eaten raw, but can also be found in many prepared foods (especially desserts) and drinks. Many beneficial health effects have been found from eating apples; however, two forms of allergies are seen to various proteins found in the fruit.
Do you know what an apple tastes like now? Probably not. I could have you hold one, touch it, feel the texture, even cut it open and see inside, the juice, the seeds, and the very core. Or better yet, I could give you a drink of apple juice or one bite from an apple, but would you really know what it's like to sit down and eat an apple? Would you know what it is like to get a piece of the skin caught between your teeth? Would you know the difference between the taste of the skin or of the juice?
I could tell you that I can't eat an apple without twisting off the stem. I could tell you that I prefer to shave off the skin and cut my apples into slices. Sometimes I prefer to leave the skin on. Sometimes I get a stomach ache after an apple. Sometimes they are firm and sometimes they get mushy. I prefer the firm apple. I like them juicy, but the juice is sticky when it gets on my face and that's why I prefer slices. Do you know what it's like to eat an apple now?
Why this long drawn out explanation of apples? Let me explain. I have been volunteering as house director at a home for sexually exploited women. God is stretching me. It has been an experience I will not forget. Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that one of the women is getting in touch with her anger. She actually took off and nobody knew for sure where she was going, just that she was angry. I found her. Anger has been a huge part of my healing. I believe that this was all a part of God's plan. I could say "I get it" I understand how you feel. All that has been taken from a victim is not understood by the rest of the world. We numb ourselves to the loss and keep moving forward to survive. We tell ourselves it doesn't really matter. It is a lie believed for the purpose of survival.
I can tell you about the anger that comes with losing your virginity by force. The sadness you feel every time someone talks about how they shared their first time with the person of their choice. How it will never be special to me. I can talk about how angry I get when someone says to me, "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do." They may be speaking of getting up and going to work, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, or loving someone who is difficult, but what comes to my mind is the fact that I have had to do many things I didn't want to my whole life, like give up my virginity to rape, watch another girl be molested while I was helpless to stop it, or stop crying right now or get hit again. I know we have to do things we don't want to do, probably better than most.
There are other things like being afraid to walk into a grocery store to buy milk, but I had kids to feed. There is no way an other person can fully understand the feelings of anger, sadness, unworthiness, despair, depression and so on and so on, unless they have experienced it. Like eating the apple, how can I explain it to a degree that anyone could understand. I do not know what it is like to lose a parent, but can only imagine what it feels like. I don't know what it's like to lose a family member to murder. I lost my best friend in a car accident with a drunk driver, but that's like taking one bite of the whole apple, I only got a taste. You may be able to see the apple core, but you wouldn't experience eating it just to know how it tastes.
Experience is powerful. We can talk all day about bungee jumping, sky diving, driving a car, giving birth to a child or God, but until you have experienced these things, it's a guessing game. As with God, you can read the bible all day, but do you really get it until you have experienced Him. Until you hear His voice in your heart, until you feel the love in His presence, or see him heal a part of your heart, can you really believe in this almighty, all powerful God? I can tell you what it's like to be rocked by Jesus and I can tell you what it's like when I see a miracle healing. I can tell you what it's like to have Him move the clouds for me or whisper about his love for the men who abused me, but do you really "get God" without the experience?
I have asked myself several times why I can experience God in such big ways and still battle believing that He even cares if I am breathing. It doesn't make sense. I feel guilty that I can turn away so quickly and easily after the many experiences I have had with Him. He explained it to me. Dave used to tell me that it takes as long to get out as it took to get in. This no longer is a time issue with me. I thought this meant it would take me 40 years to be healed since I had experienced 40 years of brokenness. I don't see it this way anymore. The way I believe God explained it to me is it takes just as much healing as there is brokenness. As much evil as I have experienced, I have to experience that much good, that much God. When situations make me feel, I tend to shut down, whether those feelings are good or bad. I am learning to stay present through the good. I am learning to stay present with God. It's been 2 years and 5 days since I reached out of my darkness and asked for help. The darkness is still more familiar than the light. Two years is not 40 and the healing has not happened for all the parts broken.
I hear several of my friends who talk about the different ways that God talks to them. Just like a parent with each of their children I believe each of us has a different relationship with Christ. But it's through the experience itself that the relationship is formed and grows. We can't go through life hearing the stories of other's experiences and even reading the Word and know what a relationship with Jesus is about. Our testimonies are so important to share, like when a person hears about parenthood and they want to experience it. It puts the desire in their heart, though they can't understand it completely without the experience.
If someone gave me a 200 year written out history of a family, I might find it interesting, but if I found out it was my family, I would probably see it differently. A love letter might bring a smile to my face, but if it was written to me and I experienced reading the words of someone who truly loved me, that could change my heart.
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
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