“Her (Mary's) Son first had to be the Child of the Father in order then to become man and be capable of taking up on his shoulders the burden of a guilty world.”
― Hans Urs von Balthasar, Unless You Become Like This Child
As we grow and learn the meaning of certain scripture changes to us. Becoming like a child meant one thing to me when I first heard it, but today it has a new meaning. Yesterday, I heard a pastor talking about the Pacific Northwest. He said that many men trying to avoid the draft into the Vietnam war past through here to Canada. Also, I think of this area of our nation as a "old hippie" place. There are many highly intelligent people in this area also. Maybe you don't agree, but when you have hippies, intelligence and draft dodgers in one area it would make sense that there is a spirit of rebellion present. I see it all over this area. This is also a main highway for human trafficking. Oh, it's a beautiful part of the country, but there are heel ruts all over this land.
When I heard this, God began to speak to me about rebellion. It's an issue in my life. Hippies rebel against authority. The highly intelligent think they know better. Human traffickers have no respect for a life. What is the cure for rebellion? As parent's we put down stricter rules. If the Church does this we end up with religion. Religion is rules made by man to measure and compare our behavior. I believe to go along with the spirit of rebellion blanketing this area, there is a spirit of religion that was welcomed here to combat it. Neither of these are of God.
As all these thoughts were swimming around in my head, I had to wonder what God was showing me. Through a friend, one of the biggest questions I have struggled with was answered. He had no idea what he was revealing to me and I believe he had no idea how hard it was for me to stand there and listen and not allow my eyes to fill with tears. I knew Jesus and I were about to have a really important conversation.
The question I have been asking God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit repeatedly without receiving an answer is this, "Why do I not feel love toward my creator, like I see others do?" Oh, I have my emotional moments where I feel close to God. I have my moments, when I think He just may love me like He loves others, but mostly we have a head relationship. It's easy to love Him with actions of obedience. It's easy for me to hear Him and follow. But when I think about the love I have for my kids, my friends, my siblings, I can't say I feel that much for God. Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of us have this issue, and want to love Him more than anyone, but can't seem to break through an invisible wall we have constructed over our lifetime. I have friends who get so lost in worship it amazes me. I want that. I can't seem to reach it. But what if I explain it this way: It's like when I was a child and I watched a friend climb up in their dad's lap. They felt safe, secure, happy, content, blah, blah, blah, blah. I did not feel that way in my father's lap. I didn't even have the freedom to climb up into his lap when I wanted. Many of us have heard that we see God as we saw our father. This makes sense. If our father was strict, we expect God to be huge, waiting on His throne for the opportunity to zap us in the butt with a lightning bolt, for even a bad thought. Remember, the father who said, "I spank them when I get home for whatever they did that I didn't find out about." If your dad was emotionally unavailable, we expect God to not really care how we feel and never to connect with us emotionally.
God wants to heal us emotionally and now I understand why. He wants us to heal our brokenness toward our earthly father because often times whatever door is closed in that relationship, we keep closed and locked in our relationship with God. If you had a dad who was an embarrassing drunk, a playboy, a liar, someone who humiliated you in front of others you will probably expect that from God. You may not expect Him to be a staggering drunk, but you may expect Him to allow a situation where you are embarrassed in front of others. Maybe your dad showed more affection, love and tolerance toward your siblings so you expect God to love others more than He loves you. Maybe dad disappeared, so you constantly find yourself wondering where God is, because you expect him to not show up. Many of us have already heard this comparison and realized that our relationship with our bio-dad has affected our relationship with God, The Father.
Here is the new information that blew me away; The way we relate to the Holy Spirit is often affected by our relationship with our mother. Wow, does the word comforter come to mind? The Holy Spirit was sent as our Comforter and is that not what a mother is supposed to be? You can walk through the same steps comparing your relationship with Mom to the Holy Spirit. If you had an overbearing mother and found yourself constantly tuning her out, maybe you do the same with the Holy Spirit. Pretend to listen and do what you want anyway? It takes an honest and strong person to look at that one. Ha. If you weren't comforted as a child it may be difficult to relate to the Holy Spirit at all.
Here is the big one for me - Jesus. How do we see Jesus? Like a sibling. If you did not have siblings, then your relationship to your good friends growing up are probably the closest representation of how you relate to Jesus. This one was the one God wanted to talk to me about. Two years ago when I decided to give God one more chance before I quit life, He sent a brother. For me, most times when I hear God, I know who is talking to me. Very few times it has been God which makes sense, because my dad left me. A lot of times it is the Holy Spirit, but I don't really expect Him to show up like He does for others. The most meaningful lessons over the last two years have come from Jesus. I always know it is Him and now I see why it is Him, because my sister and I grew up back to back as we call it. We had and still have each other's backs like no one else. We may disagree on a lot of things, but mess with one of us and the other will show up and it will not be pretty. Maybe our relationship is not exactly healthy, but it's solid. There are things you just don't do to your siblings. Now, I have been deeply hurt by a sibling, but not the one I grew up with. When I think of my sibling, my sister comes to mind first and then my step-brother and I would do anything to protect them.
This makes sense as to why God sent a person for me to learn from who was like a brother. I wondered many times, why He didn't send a father figure, but He explained it to me; I always wanted an older brother to protect me and dads leave. When He sent an older brother in the pastor, I was most open to hear what he was saying. I truly saw him in the role of brother. When I talk with God about deep and painful issues, it's always Jesus who I talk with. Why? Because of the relationship with my sibling.
What Jesus was showing me is that I expect people to let me down and I just keep moving forward, but when I am hurt by someone I have placed in a sister or brother role, the hurt runs very deep. I remember Dave saying several times that even though it is not his practice to counsel women, God told him this time was different and God also told him not to hurt me. Now, I understand this better. This was an open door. God knew I was only open to a sibling role and for Dave to hurt me could mean the closing and locking of the door between me and Jesus. It was the only open door. When I asked Jesus why exactly He told Dave not to hurt me, I heard Him say "Because He was representing Me." It was so important for him to not allow the door to slam shut. This is what we are to be to others, a representation of Christ. Though we can hardly measure up, we may be the only door a person allows open and that is why it is so important to love, unconditionally.
If we take these three relationships from our childhood, mother, father, and sibling and we throw in close friends, they will most likely represent our relationship to the Trinity. When you ask God why you don't feel loved by Him like some of your friends, look at how loved you felt from your family. If you ask God why you aren't able to love Him like some of your friends look at how many walls you have put up between you and that same family. Protecting ourselves from rejection also shields us from love. It's a choice. He wants us to start over. Become like that small child and learn the real Love of God.
Jesus came so we may be free. He did not come that we may get by. He did not come to teach us to hang on. He did not come so we would not be heard. He did not come so that we may learn to suffer in silence. He came to set us free. He will walk us through the healing process with each of our relationships so that walls between us and Him can be torn down.
So to become like a child? To become part of a healthy family? The Father, The Comforter, the Big Brother and me and you? It's a process. The healing needs to go as deep as the wounds.
“Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked "I feel so lost"
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity
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