My friend "B" was told he would have 7 weeks of treatment for his cancer. I asked the Lord where He wanted me in this picture. Totally available. Take care of him. So, I told "B" I would be there to drive him every day. Mondays were Chemo day. Hours of sitting in a room with several stations where people at various stages of their battle with death would spend the day reading, people watching, knitting, or the lucky ones, visiting with a friend or family member. I would text station numbers to friends for prayer for those who grabbed my heart and forced me to do something, anything I could do to help. I am so fascinated by the humans fight to live. I could sit in a cancer center all day and watch the process. It's the same reason I love to watch prison, war, slavery, etc movies. Of course in this real life situation, I can't help but fall apart on the drive home.
Monday through Friday for 1/2 hour "B" faces radiation. He has a special mask they built for him, that covers his face. Because the weight falls off of him daily, they have to manufacture a new one periodically. Usually on these days I wait in the car, read scripture and pray. "B" came back to the car one day with pictures of him on this suspended type table, wearing his mask with machinery from a horror movie all around him. I never was one for sci-fy, and this was too close.
My time with "B" every morning will always be special. We even talked about how we didn't need to talk. We could ride in silence and find comfort in each others presence. But as I watched him get thinner, and his anger turn to tears, the wall I had always kept up was beginning to fail me. I was realizing I had to face my own fear.
Five weeks into treatment and two weeks to go, we celebrated the best we could with a hot mocha at our favorite coffee stop, but what joy we had dug up quickly faded when he looked at me with tears and said, "I can't taste this at all. I can't enjoy it." We both knew that was probably our last coffee stop until... or maybe ever. "B" was accepting that his taste buds were gone for good. I refused. God is bigger than taste buds. I had taken "B" to the Healing Rooms for prayer and I believe he will be completely restored. He said the sinners prayer and I remind Jesus almost daily.
It was Halloween. A friend and I felt led to go out and pray. The Lord had us take some food, some quarters, warm socks and money. It was a Saturday so we went wherever He sent us. Mostly it was to churches and we would bless them. We would pull up in the parking lot and ask the Holy Spirit to touch the prayer team, the worship team, the pulpit and the congregation. We didn't battle, we only blessed. We read scripture the Lord gave us and watched for anything He wanted to show us. At one church we watched a man dressed as a shepherd walk in with a woman dressed as a witch. We felt the Lord was showing us something about that church and spent a little more time praying there. At the end of the night we met a man named Dave on the street. Dave had stage four cancer and was homeless. We fed him, gave him dry socks, quarters, and a little cash. Mostly, we prayed for him. He had issues with his mother and he cried hard. It was difficult to leave him. We felt good about our day and evening and headed home.
the next day, November first, a Sunday, I went for a walk with a friend I live with. We walked about a mile down our gravel road and turned around. After visiting for a short time, I jumped in the car to run errands. On that gravel road, on my way out, a branch had fallen across the road in the time it took me to get in my car and leave the house. It was just big enough that I had to stop and move it, instead of drive over it. I text my friend, exaggerating "We could have been crushed". He said, "But we weren't thank you Jesus." I continued toward town trying to decide which order I would make the four stops I needed to make. I had been trying for several months to stop smoking. I would go days and weeks without and then anger would usually drive me to the store. I had bought a pack in the days before and on this Sunday afternoon on my way to town I lit one up. I know God. I am supposed to stop, but You have to help me. He was about to.
As I was approaching a narrow bridge, something didn't feel right. For some reason I glanced down at the clock and it was 4:44. At one time that meant to me Hell afterlife. I began to pray and actually put out the cigarette I had barely lit. My first thought was spiritual attack, but then an invisible wave blew over me from left to right and I found it difficult to sit up. I knew I had to get the car off the road. The ditches were deep and I was not feeling in control. I parked across the end of a driveway, unsure if I was even off the road. Because I had text my friend I knew he was near his phone and I called him, not sure I would be conscience for long. I can't even explain the feeling of dizziness. It took everything I had to sit up. My body kept twisting to the left. As my friend answered, I knew I had minimal time to talk so I told him exactly where I was and to come now. I then called another friend and told her, "Pray "G", pray." was all I could say. I put the phone on speaker and dropped it. I rolled down both windows because it was so hot in my car and the sweat was running down my face and back. I finally shut off the engine so I could take my feet off the pedals. Then the vomiting started. I opened my door as little as possible, afraid I would fall out onto the roadway and as I vomited a severe pain behind my ear almost crippled me. I could hear two of my friends, who I would later realize were three, praying as my phone lay on the passenger seat. I started screaming for God over and over. I felt nothing, I heard nothing, I saw nothing, so I started screaming for Jesus, but He didn't answer either. Then my friend called and said he had been held up and it would be 5 more minutes. I calmly told him, "I won't live that long" and switched back to the prayer team.
I knew that I was going to die. I knew I was on my own. My prayer warriors were asking where I was, what's going on, can I come there, but I couldn't communicate anything. I saw a tow truck come out of a driveway right before the bridge and it was the closest thing to an emergency vehicle that was available and I went to wave my arms, but they wouldn't move. In fact, no part of my body was cooperating at that time. I had somehow twisted in my seat and as my body faced the door, my face was pressed against the back of the seat. Why was nobody stopping? Why was the homeowner not coming out to see why I was blocking his driveway? Why was I not hearing God's voice? If ever there was a moment where an audible word from God was appropriate, I sure felt like that was it.
God speaks to me differently than others, I have been told. As I sat there, I thought about the deer that hit me on this road. Months later at the same point in the road, a possum ran into the side of my car and only weeks before this day, I had a head on collision with a white wolf. Old Highway 99, He leaves the 99 to find the one. What does all this mean? I woke to hear my friends voice. There was another man there too. I would find out I had parked across the driveway of a retired paramedic. He was walking my friend through things to do. It was difficult to stay awake once I knew the ambulance was on it's way. I didn't want to stay in the valley. I wanted to go to the hospital 20 minutes away in the next county, but that was not an option. They decided I had vertigo, gave me a shot and within a mile I was out.
I woke in a room in the ER. I was in and out, noticing different things each time. I had two friends there, one praying over me constantly and the other, I could hear her voice but never saw her. My daughters were both there, one armed with a bible. I was in a total state of confusion as to what was going on. It was actually after 2 am when I could talk a little and every one had left but my oldest daughter. Apparently they were going with the EMT's diagnosis of vertigo, but I felt it was more than that.
All day Monday people were in and out. My girls were there constantly and I knew it was difficult for them with the grandkids and schedules. I had friends come in and pray, doctors, nurses, etc. The word was this is vertigo and you will go home soon. It didn't feel right. One of the physical therapists pulled my daughter aside and insisted that she insist on an MRI. My daughters and my friends were fighting the battle for me. I, in all my dysfunction, was busy reassuring everyone that everything would be fine. It was after 5 before they took me for the MRI and the night went quickly. The next morning they talked about whether they would discharge me that afternoon or the next morning. Something wasn't right and my kids were not happy. They were recording the doctor every time he updated.
My youngest was in the room with me when the doctor came in that Tuesday afternoon. She was 7 months pregnant and not comfortable at all. He sat in a chair and said, "We have to talk'" Just then my mom (spiritual mother) walked in and quickly backed out, but I stopped her. No, come in. I need you to hear this. I wasn't sure why, but I think it was about keeping my feet on the ground. She came in and sat next to my daughter.
Then the doctor said it, BAM. You have had a stroke. What a relief. I knew there was more and now we knew and knew what to do. Just then I saw my daughters face completely red and covered with tears. It's okay. We have an answer and now we know. I thank God Mom was there to comfort and pray for my little girl. She was distraught and I was relieved. I was relieved until later. Um God? Have I done something? It was a brief moment of panic. Has He left me. 444 on the clock. Death afterlife? Have I done something? The only person I knew who had a stroke was my grandpa and he had several and died when I was 6. I felt I stood at a fork in the road. I decided I was not going to complain. I was going to walk through this like a real believer should with confidence and faith. I would minister every chance I got. Yes, that is what I will do.
Each friend I called choked up. What in the hell is the matter with these so called believers??? Have they no faith? I need SOMEBODY to have some faith here!! God's not talking and His back up is weeping. This isn't like the testimonies I have heard. This is not kingdom walking. This is earthly crawling. Am I going to have to hold these people together? Sing to me Jesus. And He gives me this song!
