Sit or get off the pot

Your intimacy with God is the key source of your intimidation towards the enemy. - Graham Cooke

     Memories reveal a lot about a person.  As I look back through years of school there are memories that stand out.  Embarrassing moments, like when Carol spilled green ink in my hair and on my favorite shirt in the fourth grade.  The first time I was sent to the principle's office and I could hear my friend Linda's shaking breath over my shoulder. It made it tough not to laugh.  I wrote stories on colored notebook paper that were passed around until I lost track of them.  

     I learned how to distract our fifth grade teacher so he would stop touching girls.  I got in trouble for it often, but the look on a girls face when our eyes met after I had stopped a grown man from touching her that way was worth it.  I knew and she knew I knew.  There were other lessons.  Like when I tossed the bat to an eighth grader during PE and she called me an immature little seventh grader.  It really bothered me, but then I realized we would probably live to be really old like thirty or even forty and when I thought of it that way, she was only a year older and that year really didn't mean much.  But I never tossed a bat to anyone again.  

     There were many memories and lessons.  Teachers who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, kids I knew to stay away from and others who would take the fall for their friends.  There were days I prayed God would get me out of that school and days I didn't want to end.  There were new friendships and also those that ended with moves or arguments.  There was the boy I met at a party before our freshman year started.  He had a crush on me.  He waited on me hand and foot, but I had a boyfriend.  He was cute and I liked talking to him and thought maybe one day...maybe.  I was in my early twenties when I got the call that he had shot himself. I ached for days.  The world stopped.  I found it hard to breathe.  We learn so much in those years.

     There are friendships that stand out to us.  I had a best friend who went through everything with me.  When she was killed in a car accident, I wondered why God even put her in my life if he was only going to take her away.  But I learned so much from her.  Some people don't even have to think about how to treat other people, they are just good.

   

     I have driven to and from Texas several times.  The first time we took the scenic route and ended up on a gravel road in the middle of no where.  My husband slammed on the brakes at one point and we all flew forward.  What the...?  He jumped out of the van and crouched in the road in front of it.  There in the roadway was the biggest tarantula I have ever seen.  Sometimes men are such boys.  I could have rode right over it and been fine not even knowing it existed, but he got out to play with it for several minutes while we cooked in the dusty hot van.  After several miles of driving down this gravel road, led there by a sign that read "Fresh apples" we finally got to the other end wondering where those apples were.  There had been absolutely nothing for miles and miles.  We learned not to travel off the main road for fruit.  

     In all the driving I learned when to make sure the fuel tank was full and where to stop to eat.  I learned which routes were worth a little bit of "Out of the way" driving and which parts of the country to sleep through.

     Many times we ask God to get us out.  We all say it.  I can't wait until I'm through with school.  I can't wait until I find a new job.  I wasted my time on that friendship.  But it's the wrong turns the flat tires and the school bullies that we learn the most from.  How many good stories and lessons come from a wrong turn?  If a drive a cross the country is only good scenery and gentle conversation, what will you really remember?

     I have recently spent a lot of time begging God to get me through this part.  I don't get it.  It hurts, it's miserable, can't we skip this?

     God explained it like this.  Your Father works it out to put you through college, because you want to become a "Good Christian".  You want Papa to be proud.  Through the difficult classes you white knuckle it, don't study, and just pray for each day to end.  You fail and are forced to take that course again.  And again you white knuckle it, don't study and pray for each day to end.  It's when you finally decide, "I'm going to give this my best and no matter how many late nights, how many hours of study and how much coffee I have to drink, I am going to go into this class and learn everything the Teacher wants to teach me that things begin to progress.  

     Every challenge is a chance to learn.  Grumbling and complaining is the language of hell.  If I look back over my life there were so many lessons on each journey.  The journey through school, the journey through relationships, the journey through my career, parenthood, friendships.  Each lesson learned, each grade passed sends you to the next grade, the next level.  Graham Cook said, "Every new level, you meet a new devil."  He has to beat on every level for you to advance.

     When a mountain stands between you and where you want to be you can find a comfortable place to sit at the bottom of it and pray for someone to come along and carry you over.  Or you can look at it as a chance to work some new muscles.  Those muscles won't get the work out if someone else carries you.  You can't truly learn the lessons of someone else's journey.

God does not measure time, He measures growth. - Graham Cooke

Super Sensitive

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

   Trees are very interesting creatures.  Most are determined to grow no matter what gets in their way.  They grow around obstacles and bend toward light.  Where the wind is always blowing, they tend to lean and grow more greenery and branches on one side.  Some die when they are young, because others block the light.  Some people grow certain trees, just so they can train them to grow in odd ways.

     Our childhoods cause us to grow around things.  We lean toward certain behaviors to survive.  We fight for our turn to let the sunlight shine on our faces.  People come along and break off our branches without even thinking about it and our ability to reach out is hindered.  Then God comes along and says, "You can stand tall and straight."  We nod our heads and continue to lean.  Maybe all those other trees can stand tall, but not me, I've been leaning too long.  It's comfortable no matter how uncomfortable it is.

     I remember lots of typical sibling rivalry in my childhood.  Don't cross the imaginary line down the middle of the backseat.  "You're not the boss of me."  Yelling, "Mom." until you forgot what you were going to say.  When my kids started yelling "Mom", I joined in.  They would look at me like I was crazy, but for some unknown reason it felt good to repeatedly holler for someone else who held the responsibility even if it was only imagined.

     My brother used to reach over and touch me.  Yeah, it was terrible.  With one single fingertip he would reach over and barely touch me and I would freak out.  I can still feel my heart beat a little faster when I think about it.  Why would someone do that?  Keep your hands to yourself.  He would grin as I was freaking out and sounding like an idiot.  "MAKE HIM STOP!"

     "What's he doing?"

     "HE TOUCHED ME."  Yep, that was it.  He touched me.  With his finger.  Right here.  Touched me.  The nerve.

     I remember being told that if I would not react, he would stop.  WHAT?  Of course I'm going to react.  Didn't anybody hear me?  "HE touched me."  "HE crossed the center line."  "HE thinks HE is the boss."  A little Super-Sensitivity on my part.  Some of it was normal, but a lot of my reactions were freaking out beyond the norm.

     I realized I still do it.  This time I'm telling God.  "HE TOUCHED ME."  This time it is the enemy and it still doesn't take much for him to throw me into a super sized, super sensitized freak out.  God says, "If you wouldn't react he would stop."  I get it now.  He enjoys the freak out.  The stupid stuff I do when I'm pitching a fit.  How entertaining I can be.

     I am super sensitive to injustice.  I hate unfairness.  This is a huge battle when you are trying to line up your will with the will of God.  Forgive?  Did you see what he just did?  Turn the other cheek?  I would rather crack him across his.

     In the book, "Healing for Damaged Emotions" by David A. Seamands I realized why I am so super sensitive.  Deep hurt and injustice.  When nobody stands up for you, you want to stand up, scream out, and kick butt for everyone who has been treated unfairly.  The injustice is felt at such a deep gut level, that you are either fighting to make things right in the world, the whole world or you are curled up in a ball, knowing it's impossible.  The world is too big, too unfair, and depression takes over.  All or nothing.  I want to defend everyone or die.

     I found some relief when the author spoke of several people God used who battled depression.  Christians?  Believers and followers of God?  Yep.  Depression does not mean you don't love God.  It doesn't mean you aren't close to Him.  Read some of David's Psalms.  Read about Elijah.  This one was my favorite.  Even Jonah, "It's better for me to die than to live."  God uses Super Sensitive people.

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

Open my eyes

“How wise should we be if, with joyful certainty, we accepted each unfolding of His will as a proof of His faithfulness and love!”
― Susannah Spurgeon
 
     Maybe I'm a little slow, but I just realized we are on our last of the trinity.  In the Old Testament you hear about God talking to Moses and Noah and causing floods and such.  Then it was Jesus.  He came to this earth for a purpose and I think part of that purpose was not only for Him to walk in flesh but for us to identify with Him.  Now we have the Holy Spirit, the final of the three.  He lives in us to teach us and guide us.  This is it.  Trinity means three.  We are all out.
     Tonight I was searching for something to read or listen to that had some answers to the questions I have locked up in my brain.  The Holy Spirit led me to a set of Cd's I had purchased recently, "Why wounded and Betrayed Believers are so Useful to God" by Graham Cooke.  I have others that seemed like they might be more along the lines of what I needed, but the Holy Spirit kept pointing to this one.  It still amazes me when God hits the nail right on the head.  It was exactly what I needed.  He described exactly where I am at and even provided a few laugh out loud moments.  Especially when he joked about some of us exhausting angels and putting them right into therapy.
     One thing I realized is that we always talk about God understanding broken people.  I have always thought people who are really broken find it easier to go to God, but tonight I saw it from another angle.  Maybe we identify with Jesus pain.  I personally know what it feels like to be betrayed, literally spit on, and falsely accused.  Maybe that's part of the attraction to Jesus for me.
     The biggest thing I realized and God spoke straight to my heart about is acceptance.  I am stuck, because I can't accept what God wants to give me.  I accepted Him into my heart, but have only half-heartedly accepted forgiveness, grace, mercy and love.  I have run from friendships He has given me.  Graham talked about how this grieves Him more than anything.
     Then God started talking to me.  He talked about the suffering on the cross and how people can hear the story with all the details and walk away.  They walk away like nothing happened.  I listened, but to be honest I wasn't sure what He was getting at, because we have talked about this stuff before.  Of course it makes sense after all He went through that it would hurt Him to have people walk away like nothing happened.  They don't even try to understand what has really happened.  Then He hit me with one line.   I have to say this in a way that doesn't do damage to anyone, but He said, "Just like when..."   I was betrayed when I told of a deep hurt and nobody did anything.  They did the opposite of what I expected.  They acted like nothing had happened.  What God was saying to me is that He understands that pain and how deep it runs.  Also, I have a new understanding of how it hurts Him.  There is connection when two people have experienced the same pain.  This is how relationships grow.  This is why it is so important to have conversation with God and not just whining chatter.
     The tough times, the struggles are when you grow.  They are the times you look back on and remember God showed up.  They are the moments when He gets the glory and you realize you do matter to Him.  I have learned not to pray "God get me out of this" instead I pray, "God open my eyes so I can learn whatever it is you want to teach me through this."  When I'm in a not so pleasant mood about it, I might add, "Open my eyes so I don't have to go around this stupid mountain fifteen times before I get it."
     I've been in this battle for days.  Asking God for answers and then talking over Him and handling things my own way.  It was when I finally sat down, got quiet and said "Show me.  Open my eyes."  I personally have to have my eyes opened to see Him.

“Today I know that such memories are the key not to the past, but to the future. I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do. ”
― Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

Daniel: You don't choose a life Dad. You live one. - The Way


     One day you wake up and decide to follow Jesus.  "Okay God, I am ready.  Let's do this thing."  The next thing you know you are walking against the crowd, going the opposite direction of the moving sidewalk.  Jesus seems to be floating effortlessly beside the moving sidewalk and you wonder how you even got on this thing.  He's talking.  You have trouble hearing Him as you are concentrating on dodging people and their baggage.  As you try not to pay attention to the dirty looks and only concentrate on keeping up with Jesus who doesn't even seem to notice you are falling behind, somebody throws a piece of luggage in your arms and you see "Commandments" stamped on the outside.  "I will need this."  so you sling the bag over your shoulder as the sidewalk takes you past a table of Bibles.  You grab, King James?  Study?  NIV?  You grab them all.  As you try to situate the bibles and the bag you notice Jesus wants to pray but as you kneel down the sidewalk takes you away from Him, but that's okay, because He is already finished, so you get to your feet and jog a little to keep up.  Out of no where another bag comes flying at you stamped, "The Past", followed by a bag marked "Family", "Forgiveness" and another marked "Prayer."  You need time alone, time with others, bible study, read the word every day, give, love, don't forget your prayers, quiet time rest, get up and get busy.  You are needed, but heal yourself first.  Lead others to Christ, where did He go?

     Everyone else walking against the crowd on the moving sidewalk seems to be keeping up with Jesus just fine.  It reminds you of Mr. MaGoo as they aren't tripping over bags or running into people.  They don't even seem to be watching where they are going.  Trust.  Maybe I'm not trusting enough.  You pick up a book on trust, or healing emotions, or renewing your mind, which one?  Which one?  Why is this so hard?  Jesus reaches across the railing and hands you a mirror and a magnifying glass.  As you barely grip them with one pinky because your arms hands and shoulders are full, you wonder, "What now?"  He smiles, "Let's take a good look at you.  You are a mess."  

     "You think?"  Who had the great idea to follow Christ?  What's wrong with me?  Why is it so easy for others, with their smiles and hugs and right verses at the right times?  "Do it in His strength.  Love others as you love yourself.  Don't drink.  Don't cuss.  Love the unlovely."

     Love, love, love.  You stop.  You drop the baggage, the bibles, the mirror and books and you stand there watching Jesus walk away as you float backwards away from Him with the crowd on the moving sidewalk.  You're too tired to speak out loud but in your head you are screaming.

     "Love?  My heart is broken.  How can I love when I don't even know where all the pieces are?"     Because you're moving backwards, you don't see you have come to the beginning of the sidewalk and you fall on you ass amongst the baggage books and failed attempts.  You're too tired to cry.  You're back where you started.

     Then you feel a familiar warmth and a hand reaches out to help you up.  You lift your eyes to see Jesus.

     "My heart hurts."

     "I know.  Give it to me."

     "I don't even know where all the pieces are.  If you find them, they are yours."

     He holds out His other hand to expose the broken pieces.  "Let's just focus on healing this."

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Abba or Father?

Acts 16:16-18 New International Version (NIV)

Paul and Silas in Prison

16 Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a female slave who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling. 17 She followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved.” 18 She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so annoyed that he turned around and said to the spirit, “In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!” At that moment the spirit left her.

     I heard a pastor talking about this passage today.  Many people have asked why Paul cast out the demon if he was telling the truth of God.  The pastor said he believed because the woman was a fortune teller, Paul did not want to be associated with her.  He also cast out the demon because that's what Jesus would do.  He did it for the woman. 

     God has been talking to me all day.  Sometimes I am afraid people will think I am crazy when I say that.  I have heard a couple pastors say that people who hear from God all the time have a sensitivity to Him.  I also think I hear from Him, because I believe He is talking to me.  I believe He wants a relationship with each of us.  That may sound a little crazy in itself.  In movies and in person, many of us have seen the crazy homeless man on the corner screaming out scriptures and warning of Jesus return.  I have always wondered if Jesus was really talking to these people, but now I wonder if it could be a demon, making a mockery of Jesus and causing people to close their ears and eventually their hearts to the warnings of the return of Jesus.

     People see what is on the outside.  If you put a jewel in a cardboard box, people will not be able to see the valuable piece.  Eventually the box will become worn and deteriorate, but the jewel will not lose it's value.  We try to fix up the box, maybe wrap it with a bow, but as it ages, it looks raggedy.  Many people spend more time working on their outward appearance than on what is inside of them.  God wants to work on the inside of us and when we don't allow that, guess who is working on us?  Today, God has put a lot of thoughts in my brain about relationship.

     Relationships.  I have a grandson who recently turned two.  This little boy was so meant to be.  I have learned so much from my grand kids.  This little guy smiles all the time.  When he walks down stairs, he throws out his hand for me to hold, without even looking to see if I am going to take it.  He knows where the snack drawer is and will help himself.  He then throws whatever he has chosen into my lap and I am suppose to know to open it.  He plows his face to the bottom of the swimming pool without fear of drowning.  He sleeps with arms and feet spread out like he is going to make a snow angel.  He is secure.  He has faith that the adults in his life are going to meet his needs.  The innocence in his giggle can bring tears to my eyes.  To know he will not always be like this rips my heart in two.

     As I have watched the grand kids pass through the different stages of childhood, I know what comes next.  Understanding.  The desire for understanding.  He will begin to ask why.  He will begin to look to make sure I am reaching for him before he takes a dangerous step.  The need for understanding will chip away at his faith.  The trials and lessons of this world will affect his security.  He will stop expecting me to catch the ball just because he threw it.  The faster a child is forced to grow up the more difficult it is to trust just because, to love without knowing and to believe without seeing.

     There is a movie I have watched a few times, "And Then There Was One".   A husband, wife and their baby all contract AIDS.  The husband dies.  He knows he is dying and leaves his child several videos full of the lessons a father wants to teach his child.  He shows him how to shave, talks about a first date, and many other things.  What if this is all we got from our father?  A book on life's lessons would be awesome.  Maybe he would call it "Life's Lessons", or "What You Need to Know", or maybe even "The Bible".  What if he left you messages with other people?  What if he had one specific person who's job it was to tell you all about him and life?  We could call him "The Pastor".  What if he did all this for us as he went away to live in some far away land, never to talk to us himself?  Doesn't sound like a father to me.  I think any father who would go so far as to write or should I say breath life into a book and send messages through other means, would be most happy having a one on one conversation with us.  Believe it.  Many people think He is silent, but are they listening?  As a parent we want our children to come to us.  As a parent of a teenager especially, we want them to hear us.

  

Romans 8:15 New International Version (NIV)

15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[a] And by him we cry, “Abba,[b]Father.”

     I heard a speaker say today that in Aramaic the word Abba means "daddy" or "Papa".  He went on to say that he believes God wants us to see Him in two different ways.  The child in us who comes to him without understanding, who loves without knowing and believes without seeing, calling out to Him "Abba".  There is a growth and understanding in us that at times will call out "Father."   This makes sense to me.  I call my dad "Dad" and sometimes "Pa". but there have been a couple times as an adult when I was broken and without thinking I have called him "Daddy."  I think it struck us both odd, because I don't ever remember calling him daddy as a child.  

     Not only does God want to have a relationship with us that includes back and forth conversation, but He wants us to cry out to Him.  My oldest daughter has called me "Mommy" when she was broken and scared and there has never been such a tug on my heart as seeing her face and hearing the little girl I still see in her cry out to me like that.  When I heard her cracking voice, I couldn't help but run to her.  Nothing could have stopped me.  There is something about a broken child no matter how old they are.  I believe He smiles when we sleep like we are going to make a snow angel and when we throw our snacks in His lap and expect He will open the package for us.  I also believe he weeps with us when we curl up in a ball in our beds at night and wonder where He is, maybe even mumble out a few words to Him, but don't listen when He answers.  If you feel your hair move or as though somebody has lightly touched your skin, listen and believe.  He may be leaning over you whispering, "I'm right here."

We ought to act with God in the greatest simplicity, speak to Him frankly and plainly, and implore His assistance in our affairs. - Brother Lawrence

Promise equals pain

Kingdom = Kings Domain = Christ (the King) Dominion (Control)

John 3:3 Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.

He is talking about the Kingdom of God. I don't believe he is talking about the kingdom of heaven. When we are saved we can see what the Christian life is meant to be, but we have a choice to take hold of it.

John 3:5 Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit.

I believe here he is saying that we must be baptized and accept the Holy Spirit in us for the kingdom of God to live in us. To truly take part in what God meant the christian life to be. If there is any part of us that God is not in control over, we are not truly living in the kingdom of God and He in us the way He meant for us to.

     I'm not talking about salvation. Being saved is only the first step in the life God wants for us. If you go to a ball game and buy a team cap and place it on your head you have the right to call yourself a fan, but He wants followers.  Trying out for the team is a whole new ball game.  You have to get in shape, you must be trained, and all your bad habits have to be removed.  Or you can sit in the bleachers as a fan.
     Every Sunday it seems God gets busy on me. A day of rest it is not. From the time I got up yesterday morning, I read and listened and prayed and when the day came to an end, I could saym "I get it". Every person's story I have read in the last year was given a promise, but first they had to go through the pain. Joseph was given a promise in a dream, but first he was sold off by his brother's and his father was told he was dead. He was accused of rape and put in prison. Everything he went through was to shape him for the promise.
     To reach the promised land, the promised life, you have to go through the wilderness, but you have a little say in how long it takes. You can fight it and keep walking around the mountain or you can go with it. You can also sit on the couch with your remote and your beer and resign yourself to a life without milk and honey.
     I watched a sermon on thinking big and it really spoke to me. A little person in a big position will lose that position. You have to go through the training to be in the game. I just told Dave recently, that nothing has gotten better. Life still sucks. But what I realized, the thought that God gave to me, is that I have learned to let go of the little things. I have dealt with the abuse and most of my mistakes, but the enemy has moved up to throwing the kitchen sink. A new level of letting go and letting God is in order. If the enemy can't get to me anymore, he will attack the people and things that mean the most to me. He is actively doing this. Until I turn it over to God, which I did today, he has ammo. He is at work through other people and I have to remember it is him. It could get worse before it gets better. I have become willing to let go of everything. If God wants me to let go of my job, my family, my friends, then I will do it. His plan is bigger than anything my small mind can wrap around.
     Several times in the Bible we hear Jesus say to leave everything and follow Him. I thought I had done that, but I realize the enemy knows exactly what I don't want to let go of and he uses that against me.

     I listened to a speech by a christian potter a while back. She compared the christian life to being a piece of clay. She talked about the ugly places they find the best clay. She talked about how they work the clay to get it into the best condition and then they shape it on the wheel. As that clay pot, we think this should be enough, but then into the fire we go. I'm beginning to think I a have just been thrown into the fire.
     
     One of the greatest blessings God has given me in this last year is to reassure me that my life has not been wasted. Every trial, every trauma, every mistake, God is using to change me. I have taken care of other people since I was seven years old and now I am taking care of me. When you have been responsible for others so long there is a pang of guilt when you say, "It's my turn." But what I hear God say to me when ever that pang of guilt strikes, it's His turn. Life is not about my turn and yours, it's about the enemy's turn ending and God's turn beginning. The best part about it is that He will take whatever the enemy destroys and return it to you. I keep hearing His promises and I believe He means it as encouragement. I can do all things because He strengthens me. The devil is a liar.

     It has totally shocked me who has shown up to stand behind me and who has not. I have friends who are allowing me to learn how to be a real friend. I have family I barely knew who support me. As others walk away and even attack, I know who the real war is with. God looks at the heart and to be like Him we must do the same.  When somebody hurts us, for instance, we have to look at the heart to be like Jesus.  If you see revenge you are not looking deep enough.  Why do people seek revenge?  Because they are hurt.  The enemy reminds them of that hurt and fills them with anger.  Aren't we glad that God looks at our heart?  No matter what anyone says, the words I am looking for are "Well done, my good and faithful servant."


“Many Christians... find themselves defeated by the most psychological weapon that Satan uses against them. This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan's greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth This feeling shackles many Christians, in spite of wonderful spiritual experiences and knowledge of God's Word. Although they understand their position as sons and daughters of God, they are tied up in knots, bound by a terrible feeling inferiority, and chained to a deep sense of worthlessness.”
― David A. Seamands, Healing For Damaged Emotions



“The nature of the enemy's warfare in your life is to cause you to become discouraged and to cast away your confidence. Not that you would necessarily discard your salvation, but you could give up your hope of God's deliverance. The enemy wants to numb you into a coping kind of Christianity that has given up hope of seeing God's resurrection power.”
― Bob Sorge, Glory: When Heaven Invades Earth

Tom? Huck? Muff?

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Apple Inc.


     I've been told many times, that I don't like change.  This makes me laugh.  First, because nobody knows how I feel unless I tell them.  Second, I have used change throughout my life as an escape.  I have changed, jobs, houses and men hoping this time it would be different.  I have spent the last 14 months trying to change my whole life, who I am, how I think and mostly change direction as a whole.  What I have found - others don't like change in me.
     I had a conversation yesterday about atheism.  I have never understood how a person can say there is no God.  Look around.  But then I realize if the enemy has provided the eyes you see this amazing planet through, you wouldn't see God.  As I talked to God about this He showed me a couple things.  There are so many mysteries surrounding God, like His plan and some don't like it.  People want to know the plan.  They want to know what to expect.  
     This morning at the last minute, I decided to watch church on line.  I knew Dave would not be there, but the man who was filling in for him, I had heard before and I enjoyed, so I decided I would watch the live service.  Don got up to preach and immediately his nose started bleeding and eventually he had to step down.  My first thought was how the devil was trying to shut the mouths of the speakers in this church, because last weekend the person who was supposed to stand in for Dave had a baby born and they had to improvise.  Before that, Dave's daughter was in a wreck and they had to figure out something at the last minute.  God told me this is not the work of the enemy.  This is Him showing off the work He has done to make this church a family.  They say when a person loses one of their senses, like hearing or vision, the other senses get stronger.  This church body is working as a whole.  Jim jumped up out of his chair and started talking.  Of course this got my attention, because now I knew there was a reason and it was God at work.  Every time things like this happen there have been amazing results.
     Today was huge for me.  He talked about getting in the game and I told God, I didn't want to hear it.  I'm not ready.  Why does He push me?  I have been trying and I get knocked down, clear down into depression.  In using the game of baseball as his analogy, Jim said when you get in the game, the enemy is the pitcher.  Obviously, he is on the other team.  He will throw the ball right at you.  He wins again.  He finds your weakness, your Achilles Heel and he throws the ball right at it.  He uses what hurts the most.  What ever that little kid in you didn't get is what you want the most and what the enemy will hit you with.  For example, if you weren't loved he hits you with rejection.  He knows who to use against you.  And he will use your weaknesses against others.  When it rains it pours?  Of course it does.  If he kicks you when you're down, you are sure to stay down.
     I listened to an audio book this morning by Brennan Manning "Patched Together"  This man was beat down his whole life, one thing after another.  It was a good story and it got me thinking.  Even after incredible moments with God this man wandered away when things got rough.  Why do we do this?  I have a hard time understanding why a person wouldn't believe there is a God, why they think "Just being a good person" is enough, yet can I say I believe if I turn my back, crawl under the covers and cover my head, when everything sucks?  If just being good was enough, what would have happened to Job when the enemy stepped in?
     There is a scene in the movie "Forest Gump" when Lieutenant Dan fights with God.  He is on the shrimping boat when a storm hits and he yells, "Is that all you got?"  Forest goes on to tell us about the fight and how Lieutenant Dan made peace with God.  I think we all have to go through something like this if we have been living under our own will for very long.  I've spent the last year in this room with God.  He's trying to condense all the lessons of a childhood into months.  I don't think He is trying to break my will as much as He is getting it in line with His.  I have a very strong will.  Why would He break such a strong tool if it can be used for His good.  God gives us our gifts and then gives us the free will to decide how they will be used, for good or for evil.

  All morning as we talked, I kept asking God why it is so easy for the enemy to pull my attention away from Him.  Freedom.  When you have been forced to do things you didn't want to do or raised in an overly strict home, or given too much freedom, you don't want to follow rules.  When the authority figures in your life have abused that authority, it's the last thing you want to give to some one else.  It's difficult to trust those in authority.  He put the movie "Tom Sawyer" on my mind.  So after church, I watched it.  Not the many remakes, but the Tom Sawyer from my childhood, with Jodie Foster as "Becky" and Johnny Whitaker as "Tom Sawyer".
     There are a lot of lessons in this movie.  It opens with the school bell ringing as all the children make there way into the schoolhouse, but Tom ditches his shoes and books and runs off to the river while Charlie Pride sings "Once in his life he is free, only one golden time in his life is he free".   We like Tom, because we identify with him.  We understand that desire to kick off our shoes, ditch our books and run off to do what ever we want for the day.
     That evening Aunt Polly is singing about the undisciplined Tom and how the devil has him in tow.  He drives her crazy but she has made a commitment to raise him as her own.  Part of that commitment is to discipline him.  When she has him paint the fence, he uses his God given gifts to convince the neighborhood boys to not only do his work, but pay him for the "Gratifaction" of doing it.  He says, "Look at all that fun."  How many of us do this.  Maybe we don't out right lie, but even hinting is manipulation.  Manipulation to get others to do what we want.  If you lie in bed at night thinking of ways to get people to do what you want or to see your truth you may want to question this.  The real truth will set you free.  God gives us the truth and then free will to choose what we will do with it and this is how we should treat others, if it's even our business.  When all the boys realize Tom has tricked them they chase him in anger.  I noticed they were all covered in paint and he was completely clean.  How many times has the devil tricked me into doing his work?  How many times has he tricked you?  And it's always against the ones we are supposed to love.  (That's everybody).
     Muff Potter and Tom sing a song together as they make their way to see Huck.  Words of the song that really hit me were "Man's got to be what he's born to be, so just sit back and wait."  Maybe God was talking to me here, but I know you can't rush the plan.  Through the movie, we can all see that Tom is really a good person.  He takes a "whoopin" for Becky when it is her slate that falls on the floor at school, but especially when he goes against his promise with Huck and speaks up against Indian Joe to protect Muff Potter.  These lessons are obvious.  Also that a devilish personality like Injun Joe would be hanging out in the cave.  Throughout the movie, if Tom would have stayed in the light he wouldn't have been in half the trouble he found himself in.
     There is a song Tom sings as he stares in the window at Aunt Polly and her kids eating dinner together after Tom had argued with her.  One of those moments we have all experienced at one time as the outsider looking in.

If'n I was God 

Well, just for spite 

I wouldn't set the sun at night 

Till everyone was treated right 

By everyone else they see 

If'n I was God 

I'd fix it so 

Without explainin', 

folks would know 

They'd know what's goin' on inside 

Of everyone else like me 

Nobody'd hurt nobody else 

I wouldn't let it be 

Nobody'd have a need to pray 

Except for thankin' me 

If'n I was God 

I'd make us wise 

So's everyone could realize 

That everywhere beneath the sun 

Everyone needs everyone 

And God, 

That ain't half what I would do

If'n I was you

     It's a good family movie.  Even though I have to admit I could see a little of myself in every character, I really saw myself in Tom.  And I also saw myself in Huck who wouldn't stay with the widow, because he couldn't cuss and smoke and he hated those fancy clothes.  The same reasons that some won't believe there is a God.  They can't see the security, the love and the truth in the discipline.  It's easier to believe we are happy with our freedom instead of the freedom we find in Him.  Our truth instead of His.  Our will, instead of His.  Until that day in the dark cave when you hear the enemy say, "Now, I've got you Tom Sawyer, (or whatever your name is)."   Then, out of nowhere, when you think it's all over, God shows up.  He even shows up in the form of the town drunk, Muff Potter and throws a flaming torch knocking the enemy into the pits of hell.  Then you here a raspy voice say, "Bullseye."

Aunt Polly: Well with those two it's hard to figure who's influencin' who. I think the time has come for some good old-fashioned UN-influencin'. 

    

Confrontation

“Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency which abandons others to their sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one’s community back from the path of sin.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community

     Confrontation.  Sometimes God calls us to confront someone.  Sometimes God calls their behavior to our attention for us to learn to keep our mouths closed.  Sometimes someone else's behavior is brought to our attention as a mirror to show us that we have the same behavior.  We should only confront when God instructs us to confront or the damage could be devastating.  I have found, which ever I do not want to do, confront or keep my mouth shut, is usually what He wants me to do. 

    I have a garden, known to most as my mind.  One day as I was sitting in my garden, Dave showed up.  "See these old fruit trees?  They need to be taken out and replaced with new."
     "No they don't."
     "Yes, they do.  I had to do the same in my garden years ago."
     "I like them.  They are tall and green."
     "Kayleen, they aren't producing fruit.  In fact they are sucking the life out of all the healthy plants around them.  Look, I even brought new seed and I'm willing to help you pull out the old and plant the new."
     I picked up a shovel and chased Dave out of my garden. He was dropping seeds as he left, but I picked up all I could find and threw them at him.  Apparently, God sent him out of town for his own protection.  I'm pretty sure, it would not have been a good time for him to be around me.  I sat on my bench at the corner of my garden and looked at the old fruit trees.  "Dave doesn't know anything.  He should be worried about his own stupid garden and stay out of mine.  Who does he think he is anyway?"
     I noticed movement in a corner of my garden so I wandered over to make sure Dave had not returned.  There was Jesus with a watering can and a hoe.  He was on his knees working the dirt.
     "What are you doing?"
     He smiled, "Go get a chainsaw."
     "What for?  I'm not taking those trees out."
     He didn't even look up.  He was pulling small weeds and laying His hands on the soil.  He whispered, "Go get the chainsaw."
     I stomped off.  "I will go get the chainsaw, but I'm not cutting down those trees and I am not telling Dave I even brought a chainsaw into my garden."  When I returned I set the chainsaw next to Jesus and asked again, "What are you doing?"
     He pulled back His hand to reveal a little green sprout pushing its way out of the dirt.  "It's one of the seeds that Dave dropped."  I couldn't look away.  There is something about new life that is exciting.  Jesus smiled, "One day this will be a tree and it will produce fruit.  The more time you spend with it the faster it will take root and grow.  Not too fast though, because you want the roots to reach deep into the ground for stability."
     I looked over at the old fruit trees.  Suddenly, they weren't as beautiful and strong as they had appeared earlier.
     "They have to come out.  Let's get started and maybe Dave will help when he gets back."
     "I don't want his help."
     "I do.  I sent him to plant this seed.  I chose him."
     "But Jesus, those trees have been growing there my whole life."
     "I know, but they are sick and they are not producing fruit."
     "Can't we leave them there and plant new ones?  Do we really have to cut them down?"
     "We are not going to cut them down.  We are going to dig them out until every root is gone."
     "That's a lot of work."
     "But you have me and Dave if you will let him back in your garden."
     Jesus and I got started, cutting and digging a little bit at a time.  When I got frustrated, we rested and ate bread and water He brought.  When I was strong again, we got back to work.  I was tugging on a stubborn root when I noticed Dave standing at the edge of the garden.  In one hand he carried a saw and in the other a shovel.  He waited patiently, careful not to step over the line that bordered my garden.
     "Hey, friend.  I will be right here if you decide you need my help.  You just let me know."
     He said nothing about my bad behavior, he only smiled.


     Confrontation is a difficult thing no matter if you are the confronter or the confrontee.  To confront someone is to take risk.  You may lose something.  But if God asks you to be the one and you follow His lead and speak His words, you more likely will be blessed in ways you didn't imagine.  If He instructs you to stay out of it and only observe and you follow His instruction you are sure to be blessed.  If He asks you to look in a mirror at your own behavior and you do, you will be blessed.  Obey.  To obey is to be blessed.  I don't know if anyone besides Dave could have broken through that wall and actually planted that seed, but I'm glad he did.  There are a lot of dead fruit trees that need to come out by the root and it will take a while, but there is no room to plant new until the old trees (thoughts, ideas and behaviors) are gone.

Joshua 5:6 For the people of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, until all the nation, the men of war who came out of Egypt, perished, because they did not obey the voice of the LORD; the LORD swore to them that he would not let them see the land that the LORD had sworn to their fathers to give to us, a land flowing with milk and honey.

You is important

"There are people in the world so hungry that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." - Mohandas Ghandi

      In the movie, "The Help", Aibileen says to a small child every morning, "You is kind... You is smart ... You is important."  What if our spirit is placed in us at the time of conception by God Himself?  If He reaches down and places that spirit in us and says similar words?  For nine months as He forms us He talks to us, "You are my child needed by these parent's for a short while before I come back to get you.  You are loved.  You are mine.  Your life has meaning."  Inside your heart He places everything you need to make you whole.

     When we are born we do nothing but look around in amazement at the world God has made for the first couple months.  When the awe finally wears off we learn to smile and eventually laugh.  Our parent's role is an impossible one, to keep us as whole as they can until we are grown.  Maybe we are all responsible for every child.  Of course the world and our flesh and the enemy are fighting us.  

     My two year old grandson has smiled from the get go.  He is always smiling.  A friend told me his granddaughter of the same age is the same way, unusually happy.  He said, "It's almost like they know something.  Maybe they know that He's coming back soon and they don't have to be on this earth as long as most people do".  Maybe they still remember His touch, His voice, His face and the world hasn't erased that from their memory yet.  Maybe that deep longing in our hearts is because somewhere deep down in our soul, we remember too.  We can't be happy until we make that connection again.  Even when we do finally make the connection, we still have to get past the damage done to us by living in this world to reach the level of intimacy we once had with Him.  Just sayin' what if?

"There is enough in the world for everyone's need, but not for everyone's greed." - Frank Buchman, protestant Christian evangelist

Kids

“The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it.”
― Frank Warren

     When I was a kid, I was a brat.  Actually there are a few people who still refer to me as a brat.  I would pick on somebody bigger than me and then run to my dad.  I would sit next to him with my arm flung over his leg for extra protection from the person I had just made angry.  I thought I was pretty smart, but as my kids got older and they would sit down next to me and then look over their shoulder, I always asked, "What did you do?"  They each had a nickname,  The oldest was "We".  When ever "we" needed to do something it meant he needed to do something.  Next in line was "Somebody".  Usually "Somebody" ate the last cookie.  And the little one was "Nobody".  Whenever anything bad happened and I asked who did it, she piped up, "Nobody".  But it happened.
     Having kids makes you rethink everything you ever did as a child and as your parents prayed that your kids would act just as you did, you prayed they didn't.  My son was in the D.A.R.E. program in the fifth grade.  It was a drug awareness program.  They were nice enough to teach my son that cigarettes are a drug.  When I stopped at a store to get a pack of cigarettes and my son wanted a fancy pen for school, I told him, "Not this time."  I had limited cash on me and did not want to write a check.  As we neared the car in the parking lot, he yelled, "If you didn't spend all your money on drugs I could have a pen for school."  As the old lady at the next car looked over her glasses at me, all I could do was smile, as I said some words to him quietly and shoved him in the car.
     Like their mother, all three of my kids have a sense of humor and love a good practical joke. My son always yelled, "The lights red." at a stop light.  Nobody yells a light is red, so I assumed it was green and would start to accelerate before it sunk into my brain that the light was red.  He liked to look at my feet while I was driving and say, "What was that?"  because he knew I had a fear of mice and that would be my first thought.  Automatically my feet came up and who knew how long it would be before I could force them back on the peddles.  He also liked to ask me if I heard something crack, whenever we were on a humongous bridge.  "We" thought "we" were so funny.
     My second child had a totally different sense of humor.  Always with a perfectly straight face, she would make some outrageous claim.  Sitting at a stop light, she suddenly burst out with, "That old man just flipped me off."  I looked over to see a shriveled up man of about 140 years old who could barely see over the wheel, who I wasn't even sure was breathing as he stared forward snoring as he waited for the light to change.  "This guy right here?"
     "Yes, that old man."
     How dare he sit there like he was not guilty.  Just before I got out of the car to go have a little conversation with him, I asked one more time, "This old man flipped you off?"
     "No, but what if he did?"  
     She was lucky she was in the back seat where I could not reach her.
     Another time, when the nickname "Crackhead" was popular and you didn't need to do anything but breathe to earn the name, she told me that the principle had pulled her into his office to ask if I had a problem, because he had overheard her call me "Crackhead."  After a few minutes of enjoying my horror in thinking I had been labeled by all the school officials, she let me know she made it up.
     The youngest, who must have needed me, laughed with me, instead of trying to give me a heart attack with her practical jokes.
     My girls mellowed out, but my son he went through a streak of practical jokes that I could only laugh about after he had left the room.  Like offering to tow an old man on a tractor and laying the chain on the tractor instead of actually hooking it up and then taking off like a bat out of hell, while the old man braced himself for the jerk of the chain (that never came)  He chained his grandpa's truck to a pole and laughed until he was weak while grandpa tried to figure out why the truck wouldn't move.
     So now it doesn't sound so bad when I tell you I did things like spring rabbit traps and then run to dad.  I remember one time when I realized sitting by dad was not stopping the angered foe from attacking, so I quickly spilled my guts about whatever I did and dad laughed, but protected me.  I didn't realize then how right I was.
     I'm still doing it.  I mess up, doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, or just plain making someone mad or running from sin or the enemy.  Sometimes I don't run to the Father as fast as I should.  I spit out the admission of guilt and though He usually doesn't laugh, He puts an arm around me and keeps me safe.  I do have to face some consequences, make apologies, and ask Him to help me change, but I'm not afraid of Him anymore.

"The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: 'If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?' But ... the good Samaritan reversed the question: 'If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?'" - Martin Luther King Jr.

More Darkness

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

     Unless a room is completely empty and the door is closed, there will still be dark shadows when the light is turned on.  Maybe the shadow is caused by a table holding cherished possessions or idols.  Maybe it is cast by a picture propped on the dresser.  Let's say it is a picture of a person receiving an award we will call it pride.  Maybe the shadow is caused by  the open door of sin.  As long as there is a shadow, there is a place for the enemy to work.  The room should be clear of anything that may cause a shadow and the door should be closed, but it's a process.   
     So God asks several times that the picture of pride be put away so a shadow is not cast on the wall, but we pretend to not hear Him at first.  As He continues to make His request we focus on other minor things that are easy for us to put away.  He tells us again.  We become defensive.  "It's the only thing I ever won.  It's just a picture.  It's not my fault.  Why doesn't anyone else have to put their picture away?"  I had to throw that last one in there because no matter how childish it sounds, we ask it.  Then God stands back and he allows the devil to roam in those shadows and we find out the hard way that we have an issue with pride.  We have asked God several times to heal our hearts and minds, but we resist when He gives us instruction.  When the devil gets in there and we feel the pain, we ask God where He was the whole time the enemy was abusing us.  Aren't we cute?
     I am beginning to see spiritual warfare more as a courtroom.  The enemy is our accuser.  He twists the truth into a lie.  He accuses us of having pride.  We do, it's sitting on our dresser.  The best way to defend ourselves is to humbly put away the picture before he even pulls the accusation from his bag of tricks.  Our flesh is the weakness that he uses against us.  He accuses us of being judgmental.  In our flesh we are judgmental, but through Christ we are forgiven.  "Through Christ I am whole" is our defense.
     Another way of looking at it: as we grow up we learn to build walls around us for our own protection.  The wall is high enough to block the light and as that demon of fear joins us inside the wall we are both comfortable.  Demons find homes where they can rest and as long as we are in agreement with them, about fear for example, there is no conflict within the walls we share.  Maybe it's a wall of pride or judgment, as long as we are in agreement with the enemy he can dwell in the darkness we have created and be in harmony with us.  It's when God exposes the truth about these walls to us that the warfare begins.  God is on the outside of the wall talking to us about tearing it down and letting His light in and the enemy is on the inside with us whispering that everything is fine, we can't change if we wanted to, and if we are really quiet maybe God will forget.  As long as we stay in harmony with him, he can rest and we don't have to fight.

     So let's go back to that room full of shadows and dark places.  Under the bed is a very dark place and I think we should call it sexual sin.  Maybe you are having an affair, looking at porn or refusing sex with your spouse to get even.  Whatever it is you are snuggled up under that bed with the enemy.  God is the light in the middle of the room asking, "Where are you?", though He knows exactly where you are.  The enemy is whispering to you all the reasons you are justified in your actions, "You're in love with that other person, your spouse doesn't love you enough", or whatever it is.  You finally drag yourself out from under the bed and stand in the light, but the enemy grabs your ankle.  You say, "God I can't do this, you are going to have to help me."  Have you ever had a small child help you move something heavy?  God could snap His fingers and the bed would be gone, but to teach us, He lets us help Him move the bed out of the room.  We aren't really doing much but tripping Him up and getting in His way, but He smiles down at us with parental approval at our willingness and immature thinking.  Our only real part in moving the bed is in asking Him to do it and staying out of the way by following.
    
     So why does God allow Satan to get near us?  He has already been beaten so why even allow him to roam on this earth?  Think about what it would be like if he wasn't here.  Wouldn't we be following our flesh all the time, with no taste of what hell is like? The only pain we might  see is the pain of a disciplining Christ and that would only make Him look bad in our fleshy eyes.  We have to experience the darkness to appreciate, acknowledge and truly see and understand the light. 

“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate BelongingExpanded Edition: New Preface and Discussion Guide by the Author

Ewww yuck.

"My dad is the boss. . .until Grandma comes over. Then he’s just one of us."

--a child in Kid’s Say the Greatest Things about God

     God's timing is amazing. Today I went to a cousin's family reunion. I have felt alone lately, not sure how to come out of it and then God brought me to a place where I felt a part of. A group of people who resemble me. They don't comment on my thick hair, because most of them have thick hair. Nobody kids about my nose, because a lot of them are wearing it on their face too. Years ago a couple got married and we are all fruit of that union. Years ago our parents all played together in the yard, laughing teasing, fighting and playing tricks on each other.
     I heard stories I didn't know like grandpa keeping caramels in the glovebox of his old red truck. I have only one memory of grandpa before he passed, but I remember the old red truck parked in the back shed. There were stories of grandma telling my cousins they made Jesus cry because they ate the grapes she had told them to stay out of. They raised 11 kids together. The funniest story was grandma telling cousins that all grandpa had to do was drop his suspenders and she would be pregnant. There was a lot of Ewww, yuck. Grandparents are first on the list of people you don't want to know they have sex. As I get older these people become more important to me and I want to know them better.
     On the way I home I finished listening to a CD on the "Indwelling of the Holy Spirit." It was interesting and as I listened occasionally I would think of moments from the day. Then I realized something quite obvious, life is all about relationships. Without them, we have nothing. God wants us to be in relationship with him first. But he wants us to be in relationships with each other. He made a wife for Adam for a reason. Babies aren't delivered by storks for a reason. The relationship begins at conception. Our interactions, our relationships introduce unbelievers to Christ.
     I'm not very good at relationships. On the outside, for protection, I may seem distant, judgmental, and quiet, but on the inside I love people. We all have our experiences that make us who we are. There is a bond with people who share the same experiences. There is a bond formed between people who sat on the same grandparents laps, ate the same brown bread, and searched for 4 leaf clovers together, knowing grandma would be the person who found one and she would keep it in a little vase with the toothpicks.
     God knew I needed to feel "a part of" today. He timed that perfectly. Years ago we were all running around underfoot and though we all have a little gray in our hair and a few wrinkles we didn't have then we are those same kids. It felt a little like going home. It makes me wonder if walking into that group and hearing people call my name was anything like it will be the day I walk through the gates of heaven.

     Will grandma be sitting in her rocker tatting?  Or listening to high school basketball on her little radio, Billy Graham on the TV she rarely turned on, or listening to Paul Harvey, "Good Day."

"The family should be a closely knit group. The home should be a self-contained shelter of security; a kind of school where life’s basic lessons are taught; and a kind of church where God is honored; a place where wholesome recreation and simple pleasures are enjoyed."

--Billy Graham, “My Answer,” syndicated newspaper column

Light?

“Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness.”
― Anne Frank

     I lived in an old house years ago.  From the center of the ceiling in our bedroom hung one single light bulb.  To turn on the light you reached around in the pitch black trying to locate a small string dangling above your head.  Many nights I became frustrated searching for that string with both hands, relieved that the light was off so nobody could see what I looked like throwing my arms around above my head searching and becoming more frustrated.  I have a picture.  When we come to know Christ He gives us one little 25 watt light bulb to screw into the socket in our heart.  We then pull the little string and the light shines from us.  The more we learn about God and the closer we get to Him, we graduate to a 40 watt and then 60.  The light shines brighter and we see it in each other.  We recognize it as it gets brighter because it shines in our eyes and eventually beams off every part of us.
     As Satan and the angels who follow him are banned to the darkness, the brighter our bulbs shine the further he is forced to stay from us.  But then we sin.  We reach into our hearts and pull the little string and our hearts become dark.  Satan can now move in us.  It's an invitation.  Some of us don't even realize we have turned out the light.  Others are tearing into the darkness searching frantically for the little string that turns the light back on.  



Colossians 1:12-14  New International Version (NIV)

12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[a] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

     We say we want to be in the light, but yet we choose to hide in the darkness so no one can see who we truly are. We fear coming out into the light, because if people knew us they would surely turn away. Even though we hate the darkness there is a safety that envelopes us like a blanket. It's not really safety at all. It's familiar. We sit in the same chair, drink the same drink, wear the same clothes, drive the same route, because it is safe and our expectations will always be met. We know this, because it has happened so many times before. Many people watch the same movie repeatedly, because they know the ending. It's the unknown we truly fear. But when we are in the dark all that is around us is unknown. We can't see it until we reach up and pull that little string.


“End of Construction. Thank you 'for your patience. " Inscription on Ruth Bell Graham's grave -- inspired by a road sign she saw.”
― Billy Graham, Nearing Home: Thoughts on Life, Faith, and Finishing Well

How's it working for you?

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
   
     We have all heard the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Actually, it's a line segment connecting point A to point B. That's the classic answer in mathematics. But if the enemy is point A and God is point B it is not always a straight line, in fact it can be a twisted, squiggly line and you may even travel the wrong direction at times. The fact is that the closer you move toward point B (God) the further you move from point A (the enemy). It's really quite simple. The more you focus on God and moving toward Him, the less ability the enemy has to distract you. I will admit, for many years I sat in the middle. I was just as close to God as I was the enemy. When things got bad, I scooted toward God and complained that the devil was too close to me, but when things got better, I drifted back toward point A. It's really kind of humorous.
     God has so much to offer us. Everything we need. But we tend to use only a few of the gifts and promises. What does the guy who stays in the middle look like? Well, I would guess he wakes in the morning and throws back his baby blanket, instead of the thick comforter God has folded at the foot of his bed. He stretches and heads to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, which is really hot water, because he didn't use the coffee grounds, God offered him. He skips breakfast, not even a slice of the bread offered to him. Then he scans the front page of the paper, but he doesn't finish one article, because the front page is all he would take. He turns up the heat, but it does no good, because his house does not have walls to protect him, because he believed a roof alone would be enough. As he gets dressed for work he only puts on the helmet of salvation, leaving the rest of his armor hanging in his closet.
     But then one day the buckle on the belt of truth sparkles and catches his attention. He stares at it for several minutes, afraid that it might be uncomfortable tightened around his waist. He would spend several mornings staring at the belt hanging there as he tries to work up the courage to put it on. Finally, after years of thinking about it and bored with his life, he takes the belt down from the nail where it had been placed and he slips it around his body. As he clasps the buckle the Son rises over the hill and lights up his home. He sees the silliness in his house with no walls, and he then realizes most of the houses on his street are missing important things, like doors and windows. His next door neighbor only has a cement slab. He is no better and no worse. He takes the day off from work and heads to town to buy lumber. He will start with finishing his house and then he will move on to the next area of change.

      Usually when I start writing God will bring a memory I have buried to the surface. If I am paying attention, I will realize how it fits in with what I am writing about. This mornings memory is from about 20 years ago. My sister and I were following a van, painted flat black with stickers and sayings painted all over it. On the back door of the van someone had painted, "The mind is a terrible thing to taste." Maybe it is because Jeffrey Dahmer was still fresh in our minds, but I'm pretty sure we both got the same gruesome picture. We smiled at each other and turned off the road we were on only to get away from whatever was in that van. Today I wonder why this memory is so fresh, so I look up the definition of taste. "To distinguish the flavor of by taking into the mouth." "To appreciate or enjoy." The biggest battle we fight is in our minds. I have to wonder what God sees when He gets a little taste of my mind.
     Fear of the truth. There are many scriptures on truth. There are many scriptures on fear. To fear is to not believe the truth of God's word. There are many fears that stop us from pursuing God. To fear is a sin. I have a hard time with this. My fear can be overwhelming. It feels out of my control. I have been reading and studying fear this last week and it sounds so simple to "turn it over" to God, but I'm finding it a little difficult because I have been afraid for so long, and fear is safe. It keeps me safe, because in the world way of thinking it's part of survival.
     I have heard all my life that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. This statement is not true. If you look back at all the stories in the Bible you will see this. Think about who and what Moses faced. Noah was labeled as crazy working on that ark. Joseph? Job? Seriously? They all got more than they could handle. They all faced more than any of us could handle. The common denominator in these and many other Bible stories is their faith in God. God never gives us more than He can handle. It is in our measure of faith.
     Worry and stress reek of arrogance. Do we not believe God is big enough to handle our stuff? Is ours more important than the next guy? We hear it all the time. I think it myself without realizing that is what I'm thinking. When one person says I have a problem and then the next person says "Yeah, well here is my problem". What they are saying is that their problem is bigger. Maybe God can handle what you lay at His feet, but whoa mine is too big?  Look what the enemy has given to me.
     When we step away from God and get offended by the enemy's actions, we step out of God's will and into Satan's. The enemy uses offense to control our minds. We can get offended by what happens to someone else and feel more justified in our sin because it is through caring and loving others. The enemy will try to get us offended at God and His people. God will place us in a church and the enemy will try to offend us out of it. Offense keeps us from seeing our own character defects, because blame is deferred to another.

     For example, recently I was presented with something I really wanted to do, but I was afraid. Every time I even thought about it, the fear would overwhelm me to the point of fighting back tears. The enemy went to work. First he reminded me of all the times I was afraid. He reminded me how I had turned and ran. He convinced me from the past, that I would do the same. There was something I wanted to do, but when fear gripped me, I knew I would never succeed. Anger set in. I became angry with everything and everyone in any way related to what I wanted to do. I convinced myself that I didn't really want to do it. I pushed everyone away. In the end, I felt very alone, angry at people who had done nothing, and feeling like a complete failure, again. The most amazing part of this to me is that I truly don't even want to do it anymore.
     Now what?  All I know to do is bury myself in the truth God shows me.  I read.  I read His word.  I read about fear.  I read about obeying.  I read about the truth.  I have always told my kids to put themselves in another's shoes to see where they are coming from, but now I put a friend in my shoes to see how I would advise her.  Is she (me) being irrational?  Is she seeing clearly?  What is the real fear?  Yes, my God is big enough for my problems.  Where is my faith lacking then?  Does He love me enough to never leave me or forsake me?  I know He loves you enough, but does He really love me enough to walk me through the things He wants me to face?  He brought me here.  He's walked me through hundreds of things in the last year that I have faced.  Why would He stop now?  He never changes?  Can I?
     Lately I hear "Die to live."  "Die to self"  Jesus died on the cross so we could live.  We must do the same.  Die to self is in the mind.  Die to fear, die to sin, wrong thinking, arrogance, unbelief, our own will, and become Christ-like in our thinking.  I'm not a huge Dr. Phil fan, but there are two things he says that I really like.  The first, "How's that working for you?"  The way we have been thinking, feeling, living and handling life has brought us to our knees in front of God, but as soon as we gain a little strength we go back to the old ways until we are knocked to our knees again.  Pride goes before a fall.
     The other thing He says is when a person wants to end a relationship.  "You have to earn your way out of this."  Today we leave relationships like changing clothes and this is a huge battle for me.  Things get a little difficult and I walk away.  What Dr. Phil is saying is have you done all you can to make it work before you decide it won't work?  We tend to think we are doing everything to fix it, while the other person is doing nothing, in fact it feels like they are going out of their way to kill it.
     We go back to the line - Point A to Point B.  The line is on the side of the mountain and point B (God) seems so far up the side of the hill and to put one foot in front of the other one more time seems impossible.  I'm tired, I'm weak, do I really care enough?  I find a stump and sit to rest.  The view is okay from here.  Maybe I will just sit here for awhile and forget about the fear, the truth, the climb.  Then there is a little tap on my shoulder and a voice says, "Get up.  I will walk with you, I will hold your hand or carry you.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  I am the example so you may follow in my footsteps."  Suddenly, the view from here is not satisfying any longer.  I must climb higher so I can see more of this amazing view.

Jeremiah 1:4-19  New International Version (NIV)

The Call of Jeremiah

4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. ”

6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. 9 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

11 The word of the Lord came to me: “What do you see, Jeremiah?”

“I see the branch of an almond tree,” I replied.

12 The Lord said to me, “You have seen correctly, for I am watching[b] to see that my word is fulfilled.”

13 The word of the Lord came to me again: “What do you see?”

“I see a pot that is boiling,” I answered. “It is tilting toward us from the north.”

14 The Lord said to me, “From the north disaster will be poured out on all who live in the land. 15 I am about to summon all the peoples of the northern kingdoms,” declares the Lord.


“Their kings will come and set up their thrones
in the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem;
they will come against all her surrounding walls
and against all the towns of Judah.
16 I will pronounce my judgments on my people
because of their wickedness in forsaking me,
in burning incense to other gods
and in worshiping what their hands have made.

17 “Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. 19 They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

Nothing really matters!

Joshua 5:13-15  New International Version (NIV)

The Fall of Jericho

13 Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?”
14 “Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of theLord I have now come.” Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, “What message does my Lord[a] have for his servant?”
15 The commander of the Lord’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so.


     When we are born life is simple. We get hungry, we cry, we are fed. We want to be held and comforted, we cry, we are held and comforted. We want to sleep, we sleep. Then the world steps in. There are lessons that must be learned once we become mobile. Fire is hot, dress according to the weather, use a spoon for soup and a knife and fork for meat. Don't lift your cup too high or you will dump your drink all over yourself. We don't think about these things though, they are as easy as breathing.
     What we spend too much time thinking about is the other stuff the world teaches us. If you wear your pants too short you will be laughed at. Not all people will like you. Love can hurt. Some people think they know more than they do. None of this really matters. Start with the simple. So what if people laugh at you? If they want to be that shallow it's most likely because they were hurt. Nothing really matters.
     Recently in another country two women age 20 and 22 were kidnapped, raped, tortured, and told to renounce Christ and convert to Islam. While the whole community was praying for their safe return, I could only pray for God's will to be done. His plan is beyond my thinking. Of course my thinking processes have been altered by abuse, neglect, and survival. This is how I see it: to go through what those girls went through and on top of it knowing that their pastor watched the video of their torture made by the kidnappers, I would have rather died. To die without giving in to their captors demands would be to die with honor. To leave this world and and walk with Jesus would be the preferred outcome. You may think I am warped and if it was my daughter I wouldn't feel this way, but I would. Recovering from such an extreme ordeal to me, is more difficult than the actual torture. You may think I don't know because it was not me in their shoes, but I can tell you the battle ahead of these girls could be long and difficult. Obviously God has a plan and I respect that. But don't we usually want the outcome that makes us feel better?
     When I was pregnant with my second child I watched a movie about the kidnapping and murder of Adam Walsh. There was a scene in that movie where the parents were in a hotel room and found out that Adam had been beheaded. The father tore apart the bed. I remember him shoving the mattress to the floor and I recognized that kind of pain. I sat on the couch and cried with him. That's when I also realized how much that boy would not have to go through. He was in heaven. He would not have to suffer through nightmares, fear, anger, and maybe eventually addictions, divorce and other such situations that a lot of people recovering from such abuse go through. I understand the parent's pain. I don't know if I could survive something like that happening to my child or grandchild, but I see all that he escaped by Jesus taking him home.
     It's a bigger picture. We focus on what we think is best. We focus on and let others control our behavior. Sometimes it's only what we imagine others are thinking that controls how we behave. Over the years I have heard a lot of gossip. One statement I'm sure a lot of us have heard whispered, "Did you know she had a baby when she was just a teenager and gave it up for adoption?" This one makes me sick. A teen in an adult situation, loving another human being enough to put their needs before her own is someone I hold a huge amount of respect for. Somebody who can think beyond the moment, the "I want", and see into the future of her baby and herself and make such a mature decision deserves our respect, not our whispers. It doesn't matter what "they" think. They should learn a lesson in love. It only matters what God thinks.
     I understand there are feelings involved in all these situations, pain, fear, anger, I get it. I understand screaming up at God, "Which side are you on? Are you for me or against me?" I've done it.  What an honor for God to allow the ransom to be paid and those two girls to be set free. A great honor. He trusts them with their pain and with their wounds. He has a plan for their pain. He will provide what they need for his plan to be played out. Nothing else matters.  Another defeat for the enemy. So as he sits in his corner more angry and more full of hate planning his next move and we are down here on earth screaming at God, "Which side are you on?" God is answering us with a question, "Which side are you on?"

“I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?”
― C.S. Lewis