Open my eyes

“How wise should we be if, with joyful certainty, we accepted each unfolding of His will as a proof of His faithfulness and love!”
― Susannah Spurgeon
 
     Maybe I'm a little slow, but I just realized we are on our last of the trinity.  In the Old Testament you hear about God talking to Moses and Noah and causing floods and such.  Then it was Jesus.  He came to this earth for a purpose and I think part of that purpose was not only for Him to walk in flesh but for us to identify with Him.  Now we have the Holy Spirit, the final of the three.  He lives in us to teach us and guide us.  This is it.  Trinity means three.  We are all out.
     Tonight I was searching for something to read or listen to that had some answers to the questions I have locked up in my brain.  The Holy Spirit led me to a set of Cd's I had purchased recently, "Why wounded and Betrayed Believers are so Useful to God" by Graham Cooke.  I have others that seemed like they might be more along the lines of what I needed, but the Holy Spirit kept pointing to this one.  It still amazes me when God hits the nail right on the head.  It was exactly what I needed.  He described exactly where I am at and even provided a few laugh out loud moments.  Especially when he joked about some of us exhausting angels and putting them right into therapy.
     One thing I realized is that we always talk about God understanding broken people.  I have always thought people who are really broken find it easier to go to God, but tonight I saw it from another angle.  Maybe we identify with Jesus pain.  I personally know what it feels like to be betrayed, literally spit on, and falsely accused.  Maybe that's part of the attraction to Jesus for me.
     The biggest thing I realized and God spoke straight to my heart about is acceptance.  I am stuck, because I can't accept what God wants to give me.  I accepted Him into my heart, but have only half-heartedly accepted forgiveness, grace, mercy and love.  I have run from friendships He has given me.  Graham talked about how this grieves Him more than anything.
     Then God started talking to me.  He talked about the suffering on the cross and how people can hear the story with all the details and walk away.  They walk away like nothing happened.  I listened, but to be honest I wasn't sure what He was getting at, because we have talked about this stuff before.  Of course it makes sense after all He went through that it would hurt Him to have people walk away like nothing happened.  They don't even try to understand what has really happened.  Then He hit me with one line.   I have to say this in a way that doesn't do damage to anyone, but He said, "Just like when..."   I was betrayed when I told of a deep hurt and nobody did anything.  They did the opposite of what I expected.  They acted like nothing had happened.  What God was saying to me is that He understands that pain and how deep it runs.  Also, I have a new understanding of how it hurts Him.  There is connection when two people have experienced the same pain.  This is how relationships grow.  This is why it is so important to have conversation with God and not just whining chatter.
     The tough times, the struggles are when you grow.  They are the times you look back on and remember God showed up.  They are the moments when He gets the glory and you realize you do matter to Him.  I have learned not to pray "God get me out of this" instead I pray, "God open my eyes so I can learn whatever it is you want to teach me through this."  When I'm in a not so pleasant mood about it, I might add, "Open my eyes so I don't have to go around this stupid mountain fifteen times before I get it."
     I've been in this battle for days.  Asking God for answers and then talking over Him and handling things my own way.  It was when I finally sat down, got quiet and said "Show me.  Open my eyes."  I personally have to have my eyes opened to see Him.

“Today I know that such memories are the key not to the past, but to the future. I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do. ”
― Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place