“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?
Over the last two days, I have been reflecting on the last year. Exactly one year ago I sat in front of a church and told my whole story. I shared everything, from the town I was raised in to the demons who had most recently been kicked out of my house. I didn't hold back. Why? Because I truly believed that there was somebody out there who needed to hear each situation I was put in or I put others in. I was honest. I talked about my abusive ways, my anger, my addictions, my hurt. It was actually amazing. Several times I have gotten the feeling that I should not have done it. If I say that to other people, they bring up how many people stepped forward and asked for help. Yeah, that was good. People got help. But how many didn't? How many had their lives spiral out of control afterwards?
I have come to the conclusion that I was not ready. It is one thing to share on a blog where you can keep a little bit of anonymity. I had been locked in my house with God, demons and a pastor via email for over a year. I talked to very few people and it was when I was ready. Since I told my story, thinks went crazy. I go for a few months thinking everything is okay and then I get hit with the old stuff and I don't know how to deal with it.
There were very few people I could hug, but suddenly I found my right to refuse a hug was taken. I do okay most of the time, but there are days when it's still impossible. The most difficult part of this is that I may be able to hug one person, but not the next. How do you refuse a hug when they just saw you hug someone else. This kind of stuff and the things God is showing me, make it more difficult to deal with people. I feel like it's all caught up with me a year later.
The other night I went to a worship service. The presence of spirits that have attacked me in the past was strong. I spent most of the service praying protection over all of us. The attack was stronger than I had experienced in quite some time and as I tried to make my escape, it happened. Some one I did not want a hug from reached out. The enemy jumped right in, "Good Christians love others. You can't refuse somebody a hug." And the little kid in me who has been forced to physically touch against her will came out. Anger. Self protection. Why? Why? After all this time does she still show up? Why can't she just shut up and do what's expected?
A friend was driving me home so we drove through a fast food drive through. After we ordered, I stepped out of the car. The darkness was very heavy all around me. Suddenly my foot was twisted under me and even after I thought I caught my balance, I went down. I felt that familiar darkness that I haven't been faced with for months and months. Why now? I limped my way around the building praying away anything not of God. We prayed all the way home. Had I opened the door to it, or was it just that angry with me. That morning, the Lord had set me free from a troubling situation and I was quite happy about it. Hours later I'm under a very dark attack. It made sense. The enemy hates our freedom.
The next morning we drove to a church I had never attended. This church was on fire and a few people I knew were there so I felt pretty comfortable. It was a wild two hour service with awesome music and I totally enjoyed watching everyone worship. I could feel the Lord's pleasure in watching His kids love Him through worship. Then it happened. Why am I not like them? Do I not really love you, God? What is wrong with me? Why after all this time do I still feel alone and different? Then I heard the Lord in my heart, "I know you love me. Your obedience shows your love." So then what is wrong with me? Why am I not like these people? "Because they receive My love. You haven't learned to receive it." I can receive conviction, discipline, and even peace. Why can't I receive love? Because it's always been a lie or it's stopped. When I realize somebody loves me, I seriously wait for the day it ends. I expect it.
When you get up and tell your story in front of hundreds of people, you first have to be healed. You can't step out of a dark closet and just because you share your history, you are miraculously healed. In the last year, I have found out there was more abuse. I have worked hard on the abuse issues, but the enemy has made sure, I have less trust in people than I did a year ago. I have hurt more in the last year than I have had joy. Facing the truth is very difficult, but facing it in front of an audience is impossible. Anger? Up until a few months ago, I still went on a few tirades. One time it was because I was facing doing something the Lord had asked and I knew I was supposed to do, but I was scared. When I am scared, I go to my safe place which happens to be my room and I hide. I cut off the outside world and I hide. I knew I would get up the next morning and do what I was supposed to do, but for that night, I needed to be alone with God. That would have worked, before I told my story, but all of a sudden, I had friends who waned to know I was okay. There was nothing I could have said, to convince them to just leave me be and I will be okay tomorrow. Then three of them showed up and invaded my safe place. There was no way they could have known what they were doing. I just wanted them gone. When you tell somebody to leave your house, they should go, whether they are a believer or not. I sat down with two of them later and explained what it feels like to not be safe. It had nothing to do with them. It's a survival method. I am not totally healed. So, what did the enemy do with that? He made me look like a lunatic with my anger. It was not an abusive anger it was a survival anger. One thing I have learned over the last year even meeting a lot of genuine and awesome people is that there are snakes out there too.
So, driving home from the church service on Sunday, talking to God about why I can't receive His love, He explained a few things. First, is how deep shame runs through us. Abused never feel worthy. Right now, I'm not sure they ever can. The enemy starts when we are young to implant that in us. When somebody says you are bad, it speaks right to that little girl who always believed it was true. It doesn't matter how many nice things they ever said. If I don't receive love, I won't be hurt when it stops. It always stops. God has told me He is my defender and I am not to defend myself, but I have to say after 46 years of being a total mess and never facing anything, it could just take more than a couple years to get this straight. I trust God to put food on my table, start my car, and heal others who are sick. He promised that. I am still working on Him loving me. Even with all the amazing things I have seen over the last year, I have seen some pretty ugly stuff too. I have had some of the moments of pain that the air just leaves your body and your legs go weak. God has placed some really good people in my life, and I have seen miracles happen. This last year has been full of amazing moments. But there are others that are so painful, I really can't say they don't out weigh the good. I hear God. He talks to me all the time. Sometimes, my flesh gets louder than God. I have to wonder, I have to believe it was flesh that told me I was ready for my story to be out there. It's out there for the whole world to see. I want it back. God has used it to do awesome things for others. Am I selfish to say I have seen the enemy do some serious damage with it? He has made sure I regret that day. To do His will you have to be willing to pay the cost and many times, I have thought I was willing. I have obeyed every time I believe He spoke to me. But, I see why my story, written out in a book is still sitting in a box. I am not strong enough. And the enemy knows that. So do those working for him. He has won a lot of battles this year. What hurts the most, the believer's who cheered him on.
Your testimony is a powerful tool. My advice, make sure you are ready for it to be in the hands of the enemy. God has showed me a lot of ugly stuff in the spiritual realm. Sometimes it's hard to separate the enemy from the pawn he is using.
“Every source of blessing is a point of attack.”
― David McGee
“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
― Erma Bombeck
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