― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging Expanded Edition: New Preface and Discussion Guide by the Author
I am a minimizer. I can make a mole hill out of a mountain without blinking. I am also able to make a mountain out of a molehill so apparently I have trouble with reality. When it comes to my past, my childhood, I tend to minimize. It wasn't that bad. Facing the reality there was extremely painful and maybe I make mountains out of mole hills so that my past looks smaller.
Last Sunday Dave and I set a date for me to tell my story. The rest of the day I spent in a fog. I came out occasionally, just to remember that being in a fog is okay sometimes. During the next few days I was somewhere between completely numb and somewhat excited. Swinging like a pendulum. Then Wednesday night it started. As I was trying to sleep, I heard noises in my room. At least I thought I did. Then a shadow. Seriously? I don't need this right now. Then the faces. As I would get close to sleep they would flash in front of me. That's when I couldn't deny it any more. The enemy was not happy with my decision.
I have been an absolute bear the last three days at work. I have tried desperately to turn my mood around but have failed miserably. Some may say that I have just had a bad couple days, but I believe it is more than that. One thing I do to control my mood is to listen to Christian music. I plug in my earphones, crank it up and nothing gets to me. Every time I plugged in my earphones, somebody would interrupt me and I would have to remove them. What I set out to do on Monday, I finally finished today at 7 this evening after everyone else was home. It should not have taken that long. I hear the old messages that used to play in my head all the time.
I have not once thought of backing out of telling my story. I am not afraid of the enemy, he is annoying. Rushing at me, making noises, flashing faces, irritates me. Getting in the way of my agenda, I have not learned to cope with yet.
On the way home tonight, I had a "Duh" moment. We have all had a kid stand in front of a door with their arms out. They think they are fooling us, but it is obvious they do not want us to step into that room. Maybe they spilled something on the carpet, or broke something, and do not want to be in trouble. They are also really good at hiding their hands behind their back, and when asked, "What do you have?" they quickly reply shaking their heads, "Nothing." Well, the enemy's plan has backfired all over him. I was prepared and I have also prepared for the weeks to come, but what hit me on the way home, was that he is resorting to old behavior, old tricks that he had finally given up on with me. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? This just may be something big.
The resistance and presence is not scaring me into changing my mind, but it is having the opposite affect. The more he does not want me to tell my story, the more good I know will come out of it. He doesn't want his secrets revealed, but I am about to open the door, move out of the way and expose the mess I have called my life. What has been done to me, what I have done to others are all secrets he wants me to keep, to torture myself with. In throwing open my door, I pray that others will find the courage to throw open theirs and expose the enemy for who he really is. He is not a happy-go-lucky guy with horns and a pitchfork sipping a beer and dancing around the room.
Where is God in all this. Laughing at the enemy. Over the last couple days, every time I have prayed for God to hold back the enemy for a few minutes while I breathe, God did something I didn't expect. He doesn't want us dwelling in the negative. He didn't want me focusing on what the enemy was doing. He wants us to dwell in the positive, in who He wants us to become. Every time I prayed for relief, He sent me someone who needed encouragement. He sent me somebody who was experiencing something I have been through. I would open an email, answer the phone or look up from my work and there would be a person in need for me to encourage. Not only was I focusing on the positive, but also becoming who He wants me to be. "Duh" big time "Duh". Move away from the enemy and step closer to Jesus, step closer to becoming like Him. It works.
"God doesn't want you dealing with negativity, He wants you dealing with possibility!" - Graham Cooke.
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