Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus Name, Amen. - A.W. Tozer
There is an argument I have with my closest friends quite often. Why I argue I am not sure, because I know they are right. Sometimes it feels like we are playing a game where all our shortcomings or sins, whatever you want to call them, are written on our foreheads and the whole world can see them, but us. I know I don't see my things that drive others crazy. I want to. I ask God. Show me what needs to go, because I want to be everything I can be for Him, but I have to die to me to make that room for Him. It's a process, I have gone after hard, but not sure I am getting anywhere any faster than anyone else.
My argument is, what kind of friend am I if I don't tell them what is on their forehead? I can see it as plain as day. I see how it hurts them every day. I can see the foolishness when they act like they have it all together, but we all see the list. They don't fool us into believing it's not there. Why don't we tell them?
A while back a friend and I were discussing one of my issues. I honestly don't remember what it was, but I remember a light when on in his eye and I thought "Yes, He is going to tell me in a way I will get it." But instead he said he was going to wait for God to tell me. Seriously? God can scream at me and I don't hear Him. But my friend said it always sticks in the heart better if it is God who tells us. Well, I got it from God that afternoon and couldn't wait to tell my friend that God had let me in on their little secret about me. He was happy to tears for me. I have to admit, I questioned if I wouldn't have got it just as well had he told me. I think its more about the relationship building it does with us and Christ when He reveals our brokenness through love.
It's just so hard to watch someone drowning and refuse to let go of the boulder. Now, around me I have many who are dying physical deaths and I want so badly to take their boulders and give them Jesus, but they are clinging. I hate to be the one to say it but a couple are so sure they will be healed and/or they can live for years with this cancer. People don't live with this kind of cancer very long. That's in the natural. They are so sure they are right they will cling on to those boulders believing . . . ? People close to them, who believe in healing, don't believe it will happen because they see the boulders too. Yet, they encourage and I just don't think it's right to encourage without truth. They wouldn't hear me though.
The difference in those facing the same fate is incredible and I may not be seeing it, but the Lord gave me Jim. Jim prays he got everything done the Father wanted, but he is ready to go talk to Him about it. Those fighting to stay, believing it is not their time, believing for healing, may say they are ready to go, but I see the fear. They talk about how great God is and how much they believe, but there is something missing in their faith. There is something that says, but what if . . . ??
I got a word from the Lord last night that this is a time of training. These relationships, this cancer, the fighting, the resigning, the battle is all in front of me to learn. To learn what? I don't want to get to the end and wonder if God will heal me of the disease the enemy inflicted on me. I want to know that if the enemy has a right to inflict me, if he has authority in my life to give me a disease, to infect me with cancer, I want to know like I know right now that I most likely left a door open to him. I have seen this so many times and I don't want to stop believing because it is me. Most cancer is from bitterness. The sad part is I see it. I see the bitterness in these people. I see it propping the door open to the enemy. They talk about things and pretty soon you hear it in their voice and they show their anger. One talks about guns or this country and his voice gets louder and you hear the bitterness. One talks about a woman from years ago and the anger comes. One talks about people who have left him. He is so focused on what others did to him when right now would be a better than perfect time to be looking at what he has done to others and ask God, not trust his own gauges of guilt. He hasn't seen it. We don't see it and if we don't one day we will be looking at death and wishing we could hear Him now. When death is knocking at the door and you have no choice . . . if you don't open the door he will break it down because he has the right . . . it's time to read the writing on the wall, quickly. Your friends have already kept it from you. You need a word from God on where to hear truth.
I had a vision about one of these people months and months ago. Jesus flew me to his house and there was a poorly made rocking horse in the front yard. I knew something was off and sure enough realized it was full of demons. They were sneaking into his house in the Trojan rocking horse. I wrapped chains around that horse and locked them all inside the horse so they could not escape and make his life more miserable. Then the Lord showed me how He had written all over the cabinets and walls inside. It was of an ink only this man would be able to see. Now I see they are little mirrors so he can see what is written on his forehead.
Ironic, most of my life I have wanted to go to be with Jesus and yet He says I have much to do here. These men get to go home and only one has his robes on and is standing at the door. The others fight to stay. God has proven time and time again, we don't need them. It doesn't matter who dies, we go on without them. If there was more they could do for God and His plan, surely He would keep them here. Maybe that's the key? Are they doing for God or are they doing for self? If you don't die to self how much on His list can you get done anyway?
Evangelical repentance is repentance of sin as sin: not of this sin nor of that, but of the whole mass. We repent of the sin of our nature as well as the sin of our practice. We bemoan sin within us and without us. We repent of sin itself as being an insult to God. Anything short of this is a mere surface repentance, and not a repentance which reaches to the bottom of the mischief. Repentance of the evil act, and not of the evil heart, is like men pumping water out of a leaky vessel, but forgetting to stop the leak. Some would dam up the stream, but leave the fountain still flowing; they would remove the eruption from the skin, but leave the disease in the flesh. -- Charles H Spurgeon
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