Onion? Peel it or Throw it?

“Many Christians... find themselves defeated by the most psychological weapon that Satan uses against them. This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan's greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth This feeling shackles many Christians, in spite of wonderful spiritual experiences and knowledge of God's Word. Although they understand their position as sons and daughters of God, they are tied up in knots, bound by a terrible feeling inferiority, and chained to a deep sense of worthlessness.”
― David A. Seamands, Healing For Damaged Emotions


     Why am I angry?  Why do I look at someone I considered to be a very good friend and feel nothing but anger.  His mouth opens and the anger rises in me and he hasn't even spoken yet.  Why do I feel so closed off?  I'm disconnected.
     I can hang out with a group of friends and feel a "part of".  I feel the Holy Spirit at work and love and compassion for all those present.  Then I get in the car to drive home alone and I feel nothing.  It used to take a couple days, so I would get back in the group immediately.  But it's getting more difficult to leave the house.  I find myself staring at the wall again.  Am I a fake?  I was laughing an hour ago with real friends and now I am not even feeling connected to God.  Yes God.  He has moved clouds for me to see, He has healed a woman's hearing through my hands, He has whispered, "I'm right here" when I'm afraid of the dark.  I feel nothing.  Is this a "brain" relationship?  When it is supposed to be a "heart" relationship.  Will He say one day, "I didn't even know you?"
    Then out of nowhere is that little voice, "If you weren't so selfish".  Oh it doesn't stop there.  That committee in my head tells me everything wrong with me.  "Why do you speak, why do you think anyone wants to hear you, they feel sorry for you because you are an idiot, and that pastor, well, he was just doing his job and your time is up."
     Okay.  I can go back to living under my bed.  I didn't want to finish my story anyway.  It's my story and why should I share it.  Maybe life sucked but it was my life, right?  Then the words I heard right before I told my story come back to haunt me, "This is your part in my story."   

     "Okay God since this is your story, you tell me how it ends.  Why can I feel and see so much and then shut off like it was all just a movie and now it is over and it's time to go back to my "Under the bed" life?  Why do I feel nothing when I know you are standing right in front of me?"
     "Because you have been shutting off your feelings for years.  You are getting close to people and you are panicking.  You just might get hurt and you don't even know how to take that risk?"
     "I do hurt and I have no reason to.  My addictions are in my face again.  I want to watch movies all day and eat four bags of cookies and throw them up.  I want to drink."
     "That is left over hurt that you pull up when you are scared.  You've been here before.  Don't you recognize this place?  This is where you always turn around."
     "What?"
     "You are hiding, trying to numb your feelings and you are pushing people away.  The enemy is exaggerating your fears.  Everything that is said to you is twisted."
     "What do I do?"
     "You decide to keep moving forward or you can turn around and crawl back under the bed."
     "How long do I have to decide?"
     "How long do you want to feel like this?  Why the tears?"
     "Just peeling onions.  I'm going to sit here a minute and decide whether to keep peeling or throw this thing against the wall."
     "I'll be right here."


Snow White: You of all people should understand. You've lost love. What if your pain could be erased?
Grumpy: I don't want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain. It makes me who I am. It makes me Grumpy.