Is it abuse?

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner's love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother's love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.”
― Bell Hooks


     A very important subject the Lord is speaking to me about lately is the cycle of abuse.  Many of the abused try to convince themselves they were not abused.  They think if they would have been a better person, the abuser would not have had to straighten them out, verbally or physically.  They think there is something wrong with them or they wouldn't have been molested.  One of the most important and most healing things that the Holy Spirit told me is this: You were not abused because you are damaged, you are damaged because you were abused.  When we talk about being damaged it is emotionally.  Damage is harm or injury that makes someone less able to function.  This can be repaired.
     What is abuse?  There are different types of abuse: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, neglect, etc.  We often hear the term cycle of abuse.  Sexual abuse doesn't always run this same cycle, but physical, emotional, and mental abuse do.  1. Tension builds  2. Incident  3. Apology/excuses  4. Honeymoon/calm period. 

Here is a list from a website called healthy place.   http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/list-of-abusive-behaviors/

1. hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
2. threaten to hurt you or your children?
3. threaten to hurt friends or family members?
4. have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
5. behave in an overprotective manner?
6. become jealous without reason?
7. prevent you from seeing family or friends?
8. prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
9. prevent you from working or attending school?
10. destroy personal property or sentimental items?
11. deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts,
    credit cards, or even the car?
12. control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
13. force you to have sex against your will?
14. force you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
15. insult you or call you derogatory names?
16. use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
17. humiliate you in front of your children?
18. turn minor incidents into major arguments?
19. abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
20. The author of No Visible Wounds, Mary Susan Miller, adds one more:
    withhold conversation, sex, or affection from you?

     This is geared toward a marriage relationship, but it can be present in any relationship and you don't have to experience every one of these to be considered abused.  One sure sign that is not listed here is telling you to keep the secret.  For example: If you tell I will ... deny it, hurt you, etc.   There is a saying in AA which applies to all lives, You are as sick as your secrets.  Anything kept hidden in the dark is not of God.  It's God's light shined on us, exposing the darkness and revealing truth that heals us.  The truth shall set you free.
     Healing is different for believers.  First, we have God to take us through it.  That's huge.  But also we have an expectation put on us by other believer's to forgive and move past it.  There is a time for forgiveness, but you can't put a crown on a rotting tooth without taking the decay out first or you will end up in a lot of pain and may not even see where it is coming from.  Everything looks good on the outside, but what needs to happen is to drill down into the very root of the decay and remove it.  This is a process.  The longer you were abused, the more abusers you had and the age you were first abused all impact healing time.  I have learned over the last couple years a few things that make abuse more damaging and more difficult to heal from.  One of those things is watching another be abused, especially a sibling.  Another thing is if God was brought into it.  For example, one of my abusers said that God wanted him to do what he was doing.  This distorts our image of God and takes a long time to heal.  If the person abusing is a representative of God, say an elder or priest this affects our relationship with God and delays healing. 
     Years ago I read a book on confronting your abuser.  Basically what the book said is if the party who abused is guilty, that person will have one of two reactions to you confronting them.  One, they will  sincerely break down, apologize, and ask forgiveness and change. (Not to be confused with the cycle apology)  The second reaction is to deny it happened and label you crazy.  I was in my mid-twenties at the time and went to confront an abuser.  Immediately I could see and hear the fear.  He told me I had made it all up in my head and I was crazy.  I walked away smiling, because this validated me.  His actions were admitting guilt whether he knew it or not.  I would not suggest confronting an abuser without counsel and a good support team. 
     Abuse affects intimacy.  It is difficult to trust God when authority has abused you.  How do we trust him to love us and be there for us?  This takes time, a lot of time.  I have come to God on many occasions to repent for something and what He says to me is that He understands.  Especially after a deep and intimate time with God in worship or prayer, I run away from Him out of fear.  When He reveals deep pain from my past and shows me how it affected or still affects my life, I tend to run from him.  But His kindness is amazing.  He always explains why I ran and understands. 
     Yesterday God took me through all of my abuse from the very first time to the most recent.  I argued that I was tired of going back and looking at it, but He had a reason.  When I got to the most recent, He said, "You are looking for a man with integrity and honor and morals.   You want to know someone who would give their life for you.  I already did that."  Yep, it was pretty emotional.  He said that He is not those men and they will answer to Him.  He said it will take time for me to learn to trust Him, but He has time and He will prove His love for me. 
     He wants to be this for every abused person.  The enemy uses abuse to lock us away.  I personally believe sexual, physical, emotional abuse is used by the enemy against the people who are the biggest threats to him.  It's his secret weapon. ( A little play on words) He gets in our heads and convinces us we have no value in this world and what usually happens is we turn around and work for him.  We become abusers.  Maybe we don't molest or beat others, but we usually abuse ourselves.  Cutting, addiction, putting ourselves down are all ways we join the army of the enemy and abuse ourselves.
     God is our healer.  He knows more about the damage and injury to our heart and emotions than we do.  It's been over two years I have been working on this and He is still showing me how the abuse and hurt has affected my life.  I can get discouraged by how long this is taking, because I want to be healed now, but when I go back over it, I am so glad He is allowing me this pace.  He will not give it to me faster than I can process it.  He is the perfect counselor.  I have days where the anger is huge, my unbelief that God even exists is overwhelming and the sadness feels like it is never going to end.  The part I have the most trouble with is lashing out.  I feel like a wild cat trapped in a corner and anyone who gets near me gets clawed whether they have done something or not.  This is also the enemy's way of keeping us isolated.  I often make the excuse that I am protecting those around me by staying away. 
     There are aspects of abuse that only another survivor can understand.  Too many people who are not qualified believe they have the answers for the abused.  They can't get it.  God has so kindly and in His timing put a group of women in my life who have each suffered different forms of abuse and are at varying degrees of healing.  I have good friends, but there is nothing like being with these survivors, because they give me a strength and an understanding I can't get any where else.  Their courage feeds mine.  But, I don't always have to be brave and together when I am with them.  Healing is like the tide coming in, each wave reaches a little further onto the shore as it washes away footprints and sand castles and leaves everything a little bit smoother.


“When one woman doesn't speak, other women get hurt.”
― Terry Tempest Williams