“You think you want to know something, and then once you do, all you can think about is erasing it from your mind. From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees
All my life I wanted to remember everything that happened to me. I yelled at God that it wasn't fair other people, the bad people knew what happened to me and I didn't. They knew what they had done and God took my memory like I was on their side, keeping their secrets for them. It's funny that God has me work through things the opposite way than I usually choose. I always start with the most difficult task first so the rest is all down hill. He starts with the little, easy stuff and works up to the big stuff. Sometimes He gives me more than one big thing at the same time though and that's what He has been doing to me lately. But then He shows me the string or should I say sting that connects everything. How one trauma from what seems like a thousand years ago, ties to the pain I am feeling now from something completely different finally makes sense.
The other day I asked Him to show me what He sees when He looks at me. I saw myself as a newborn baby. I heard him whisper, "Perfect and pure. I love you." Then He flipped through the pages of my life really fast and I saw myself grow and change through the years. I saw a lot of ugliness done to me and that I had done, until finally I saw a picture of me in a white robe, with a crown and I was in heaven. He said, "Perfect and pure. I still love you the same from beginning to end, no matter what happened in between." Yeah, crazy right? It messed me up.
You have to be prepared when you ask for visions and dreams, because they can get pretty wild. Through a friend He reminded me of a red balloon from my past. I had been through therapy and the counselor had me right all my fantasies about who my father was, or should I say who I wanted him to be. I wrote them all on a helium filled red balloon and had to let go of it. I thought it was a dumb idea, but when I let go, I panicked and tried to grab it again. He said only He was all those things my father couldn't be for me. Then He showed me a picture of a huge, red hot air balloon and said "I'm bigger than that." He has a sense of humor.
It's like when we are born He produces this perfect baby out of clay that has not hardened and then life comes along and knocks us around so things aren't so perfect anymore. The worst part is pieces of us get hard and stiff and resistant to change and pretty soon we are just a cracked up pot. When we finally turn our lives over to Him one of the hardest, most painful things to do is to become pliable again. We are in His hands now and He is reshaping, mending and healing us, but it is a challenge to stay pliable. Many people over time don't even realize they have areas they won't allow Him to change. Why? Because it might hurt. Healing is hard and it hurts and that is why not everybody is doing it. We become pretenders. See, focus on this one part of me that is doing well and you won't notice this hardened part of me that God is not allowed to touch. Sometimes we use the excuse of "I'm just that way and I have to live with it.", when really we aren't ready to give up the gratification we get from it.
Our hearts are the buckets of our souls where we keep what is given to us, so we can give it away. Like love, you have to receive it to give it. It's good for us that God gives us an endless supply from the get go if we only learn how to receive it. It's like rummaging around in a junk drawer. There is some good stuff in there. I have spent a lot of times shuffling things around in the junk drawer, just sure I saw what I was looking for in there at one time. That's what we do in each others buckets. We expect them to give us stuff that they never had. I think life would be easier if we went to each other like we do a store. Hey, do you carry Twinkies? Yes or no, and you move on. You either pay the price for the Twinkies they do have or you move on to the next store and ask there. But no, we spend years in relationships with people hoping they will provide us with something they just don't have. As babies, God gives us parents, grandparent's, older siblings, etc. as bucket fillers. They are supposed to fill our heart/buckets with all kinds of good things that we can pass out to others. Love, compassion, grace, etc. etc. For some reason I think I just heard Charlie Brown say, "All I got was a rock." Hmm. We have to be taught bravery and confidence or we don't have them as adults. We have to be taught boundaries or we don't know how to set them up as an adult. It's the same with respect, concern for others, and even common sense.
The world is becoming a planet full of people with empty heart/buckets. We are all screaming and yelling at each other demanding things that we just don't have. Healing takes going back and watching the movie of your life and figuring out what you got and what you didn't and even what was taken out of your heart/bucket by others and then asking God to replenish what is missing. There were things I had once, but people took them. Some times you ask somebody if they have Twinkies and they say they do, but once the picnic blanket is spread out and lunch has been eaten and your ready for dessert, you find out they don't have Twinkies at all. They bring out some imitation cream filled yellow cakes that aren't even shaped right. Then they get that look on their face and say, "These were cheaper, but I am sure they taste the same." Well, get off my picnic blanket. If I wanted cheaper cream filled yellow ROUND cakes, I would have asked if you had them. It's like asking some one for love and they give you anger. Instead of a safe hug, you get choked. Then they look at you with that stupid face again, "I was squeezing." Yeah, no kidding. Thank You God for having everything I need and more.
"Our healing is in His hands".
~R. Alan Woods
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