... and then God showed up

“Neglecting to ask God's counsel, neglecting to seek God's timing, you step in to *handle* things. And by and by, you've got a mess on your hands.”
― Charles R. Swindoll, Moses: A Man of Selfless Dedication

     Nobody, no matter how intelligent, how educated, or how much they talk to God, knows an other's battles.  Nobody knows the whole story.  This is why the only record I go by is God's.  He reminds me of what I have done right, what I have healed, before He ever brings up what is next.  I have learned to wait on Him.  He knows what is under the next layer of the onion and exactly what I will need to peel it away.  He is the only One with the whole picture, so He is the only One who can wrap His big hand around one of His kid's hands and pull out the nasty roots.
     Last night I knew it was God talking to me, because He brought up the strangest subject.  I don't remember why or when I realized that long after a person experiences trauma they can still feel the affects.  I have made a commitment to ask people how they are doing with a certain trauma after all the others have gone away.  One time years ago, a woman I worked with, but didn't talk to often, lost her teenage son and his friend in a drowning accident.  A year had gone by and nobody talked about it anymore, but I asked her how she was doing and told her I was still praying.  The woman typed out the  longest email about all her struggles and how people expected her to be over it.  She appreciated my one little question, "Are you okay?" more than she knew how to express in an email.  For God to bring this up, I felt he was saying to me that I am right where I need to be. 
     God then asked me a question, "How can you have such self loathing when you are a part of Me?"  Well, I got stuck on the "you are a part of Me".  I had never thought about it.  He is a part of me, but I am a part of Him?  I had this picture of this huge powerful God and there I was kind of meshed into His robes around His upper thigh.  (Left leg)  Ha.  Why His upper thigh?  I have no idea, but He didn't agree with it.  He said that is where I see myself. 
     We went on to have an amazing conversation that I am not willing to share, but his instructions for the next step in my life were to read a book.  I had opened an email earlier in the day where a woman was talking about a book.  The author had actually died and spent time in heaven with God. and then came back to life.  I closed the email, not having any interest in reading the book.  But, God brought it back to my mind and told me to read it.  I really didn't want to and I really didn't want to spend the money, but God kept talking and I found the audio book and also found I had a credit for a free one.  He thinks of everything.
     It was around two this morning that I began to listen to the book.  This woman's life story is so much like mine it blew me away.  The molestation, the abuse, the abandonment, the addictions, the teenage pregnancy and so on and so on.  There were differences.  She went through  some horrible things that I did not and she had some good things in her life that I did not.  The cool thing is the author was the one who read the story.  I don't know why, but I really like it when an author reads their own story.  When she spoke about things we both experienced, using her own words, I couldn't stop the tears.  Even talking about finding out she was pregnant as a teen brought tears to my eyes.  She could have been reading my story.  When you hear it in an other persons voice, the pain seems to be more real....the reality of it seems more real.  I remembered the fear, the confusion, feeling like God was punishing me, that He hated me.  Then she would skip forward and tell a little more about her experience in heaven.  I have to admit, I stopped the book and asked God to take me there.  Seriously, stop my heart, let me die, take me to heaven for just a minute and then send me back with a renewed outlook on this life I call mine.  I'm willing.  Come get me God.  Show me something. 
     He said I wasn't ready.  He said my heart is too broken to handle the love there.  I thought God could do anything?  He has His reasons and I won't even try to understand, but I did not get to go visit heaven last night, so I had to keep listening to the book.  I have been listening all morning and several times had to stop it because it was just too much.  I can't get over how much different the same stories sound when someone else is telling them. 
     The part I am at now, I can only listen to in small pieces.  She is at about the same place in telling her story that I am in living mine.  The point when everyone thinks you should have it more together.  That point when you question why your heart has not caught up with your brain.  It's really simple to understand how it happens.  It's like when your 101 year old grandmother is on her death bed and your head says, "She has lived a good life and it is time for her to go home.  She is old."  But your heart still says, "I know, but I want her here.  I will miss her everyday."  No matter how much you understand it is time for her to die, it still hurts.  Does your heart ever really catch up to your brain?
     Another way to explain it is the way I really feel right now.  My brain is the adult me and my heart is that little kid.  The brain built a wall around the heart so not only could no one touch her, but she wouldn't embarrass me, cause trouble, hurt people, get in my way, bother me or anyone else, and so nobody could see her.  She is dirty and ugly and all she does is sit there and look pathetic.  She cries.  I hate crying.  She wants attention and I just don't have that kind of time.  So what did God do?  Over the last two years He has had me tear down the wall.  First, I had to look at her.  That was the most painful experience and I don't care to go through it ever again.  Oh, I have cleaned her up some.  I have even let a couple people I trust, see her. (That was a mistake in some instances)  But, just like I feared, she got scared, freaked out and went back into hiding.  At this moment, I don't even want to deal with her.  She can stay hidden for all I care.  Sometimes I hate that kid.  I have things to do and don't have the time to baby her along.  I am just as tired of her as anyone else, but she doesn't just go away, because I will her to. 
     Now, God wants to talk about her and my hatred for her.  God wants me to look at her and forgive her and love her.  I want to put her up for adoption.  Even though her hair is combed and she has had a bath, the sight of her still makes me sick to my stomach.  I guess God's plan has something to do with me repairing this relationship with her.  It seems everyone thinks she should be dressed in a pretty little outfit and behaving herself and I agree with them.  She is a pain in my... got to go, she's crying again.  I'm going to lock her in the closet until she stops or Jesus comes to get us.

"And that is why I want to share my story with the world. Because I was a skeptic and a sinner, and I didn’t believe in God or in heaven. But God is real. Heaven is real. And God’s love for us is the realest thing of all." - Crystal McVea - Waking Up in Heaven: A True Story of Brokenness, Heaven, and Life Again