“Probably one or two moments in your whole life you will hear a dark whispering spirit, a voice coming from the center of things. It will have blades for lips and will not stop until it speaks the one secret thing at the heart of it all. Kneeling on the floor, unable to stop shuddering, I heard it plainly. It said, You are unlovable...”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees
When a person is abused it is as though a scarlet letter is carved into their soul. The shame runs so deep into the very hidden places and yet it feels like our skin is painted neon red to mark us as bad. We try desperately day after day to cover it, pulling our sleeves down, putting on a hat, and never wearing shorts. No matter how well hidden we are in our over sized clothes and wearing a pasted on smile, we hear it being shouted from a bullhorn as everyone points at us and says "She's the one. It was her. She is bad to her core." My question is how is the secret kept?
You hear it all the time, why doesn't she leave him, how could she not know he was molesting their daughter, or my favorite, why doesn't she fight back? The control is obtained through conditioning. We are told to keep the secret from day one. I don't usually share so much detail, but I think it's time. In my childhood I had been abused by 5 different men so I had had a lot of conditioning to keep the secret, I was bad, unworthy, unlovable, etc. This was my belief system. My 6th abuser was in my mid twenties and his favorite thing to do when we fought was to choke me until I blacked out. The whole time he would be saying, "Who is in control now?" When I would come to, he would repeat the process until I would agree that he was in control. During one fight, I was running from him and he caught me. After punching me in the face he dragged me by my hair several feet into the house to finish the beating. While being dragged, I looked over to see that our renters were watching. I was so relieved that somebody was going to call the police and while the abuse continued, I waited to hear sirens that never came. Why? Because they didn't want to get involved.
I see that most people would think she will just go back to him so why call, but what we aren't realizing is that keeping the secret is a conditioning that is done not only by the abuser, but by the outside world. There are many reasons people don't tell. The worst one in my mind is "maybe she asked for it." I believe the biggest reason people don't want abuse exposed is because of what they will lose. This is obvious for the abused and the abuser, but I think it pertains to those outside of the actual abuse. What will I have to give up?
Society likes to keep the secret for the abuser and those who speak up and expose abuse are labeled trouble makers. What was your part in it is often the first question asked. This does just as much damage as the abuse. It is reinforcing the idea that the victim is bad and deserves it. We ask what the rape victim was wearing. That question right there is indirect abuse. Who cares what she was wearing? Mothers don't want to expose their husbands molesting their daughters because they could lose their husband, their home, financial stability, etc. etc. How many famous people get away with murder because we don't want to lose our entertainment? Politicians, religious leaders, bosses, abuse people every day and never get exposed because we might lose our governor, our preacher, or our job.
Too many people keep the secret and the victim who was once may have even been considered a survivor becomes the victim all over again. I have a very good friend who recently exposed her abusers from many, many years ago. I have heard her tell the story a couple times and the best part of the story, the part that makes her face light up and brings the tears to every one's eyes, is when her father gave her a hug after hearing the story. It was the dad hug she had waited so many years for. It messes me up just thinking about it.
Abuse victims need to know that they have value, they are lovable, they don't have to put up with it any more. As long as the secret is being kept, they are vulnerable to the next abuser. Until they know it was not their fault, until they know they have value in this world, until they know deep in their soul, as deep as the wound is, that they are not bad, they are prey to the next abuser.
Why do we have secrets? Abuse. If somebody is stealing from the till, they are abusing their employer. If somebody is gossiping, they are abusing. We would never keep a murder a secret, or would we? Fear we may be next? The only reason to keep a secret is to hide an abuse. From the sideline we might say, "but he is really a good person", but the person taking his hits, sees the Superman costume come off when nobody is around. We can say, "But he is my friend". If you are truly a friend, you would want healing for him. When we have little kids and they get a cut on their arm we take them to the doctor. When they realize it may hurt they childishly hide their arm behind their back. Are we going to be the parent that says, "Oops, I was wrong. There is no boo boo." and take our child home still wounded? Or do we lovingly say, "It's time to make this all better."
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
― Edmund Burke
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