What is the enemy? What are the factors that make past sexual abuse so shameful and the basis of such grievous self-contempt? What must be done to lift the shroud of shame and contempt? The answer involves a strategy that seems to intensify the problem: peer deeply into the wounded heart. - Dr. Dan B. Allender
Expect the unexpected. When following God, you never know where you will travel. How high the mountains, how deep the valleys, and how sharp the rocks are all part of His plan, a perfect plan. The only way to see His plan is to look behind you, because in front of you, all you are allowed to see is the back of his robe.
God began this morning talking to me about houses. I love houses. I like to fantasize about building a house one day. In fact I have a dream house all planned out, down to the bathrooms, where there will be no cupboards or laundry chutes, because that is where the child molesters hide. Bathrooms have always been a scary place, but they will not be if I ever build my house.
I can fantasize all day long about big rooms, a lot of rooms. Large closets, at least three floors, and high ceilings. Every bedroom would actually be semi-separated into two rooms so there would be a living space and a sleeping area. Don't we all have a little fantasy about the perfect house? When I get real about it, the house I would feel safe in, the house I have actually designed is basically all one big room. You can see the whole house from anywhere in it. Nobody can sneak up on me. The bathrooms have two doors on opposite ends so if unwanted company came in one I could bolt out of the other. Not things most people think about when designing a house.
My conversation with God about houses turned to guests. There are those people you meet in the front yard so they don't even make it to the front door. It's easier to get rid of them if you don't invite them in. There are those you invite to sit with you on the front porch and have a cold drink, but they don't get in either. Then there is the majority who actually get to come in as far as the living room and if they are lucky, allowed to use the bathroom. One step up from that are the friends that can go anywhere in your house, except your bedroom. A few are allowed in there. If we are truly blessed, there may be one friend who is allowed to follow you into the back of your closet and you don't even think about it when you open your safe in front of them. You know, the safe we would all have in our closet with our extremely important items, like birth certificates and money, maybe jewelry and our "will", should something happen to us.
Well God, what is all this house talk with guests and limits and sizes? Why are we talking about this stuff. I was sitting in the convenience store parking lot when He said it. "Houses or hearts?" I get it! How complicated do we build our heart/houses? How do we design them? How far in do we let people? I get it God! Good analogy. You want in all the way to the safe, hidden in the closet. I get this. That's cool. Then God says, "I want in all the way to the shoebox on the top shelf of the closet. What? Some people have them. The shoe box, the locked file cabinet, the suitcase under the bed. That stuff we don't want our kids to see when we die. That stuff that we know we need to throw out, because it is the past, it holds our hidden sin maybe?
Then God reminds me of the Winchester house. I have been so intrigued with the Winchester house. Sarah Winchester of fire arm fame, left Connecticut in 1884 and moved to San Jose California to build her house. This woman built her house to confuse the evil spirits she was inviting in. Construction never stopped. She had stairways that went no where and doors that opened into brick walls. This women was tormented and she brought it on herself. The house is very interesting and huge. I would love to tour there, but to tell the truth, I don't know if I could walk into that house. The spirits wouldn't scare me, but if I picked up on her fear, on her torment, I don't know if I could handle it. And why is God bringing up the Winchester House anyway? I'm not sure if God told me or I figured it out. That's my heart/house. I invite people in, I confuse them with dead ends and stairways to nowhere. What is wrong with me?
I have been begging God to show me what else is wrong? What am I missing? Why can't I get this straight? I have learned so much and grown so much, but there is still a wall between me and God. There is still a dead spot. I have spent this week reading, listening and praying, begging God to show me the missing piece. What is still broken? Is it fear? Is it fear of abandonment? Is it rejection? Do I just need to learn a little self control or what? Why does the rage still burn inside me the desire to knock somebody into the middle of next week? God has shown me a little bit here and a little bit there, why can't I see what He is getting at? What's in the shoebox on the top shelf of the back closet, God?
No wonder I couldn't see it. I had put a big fat "Wonder Woman" band-aide on it. There is nothing more frustrating than peeling back a band-aide after 40 years and the wound has still not healed. Now what? Dig deeper? Are you kidding? God had told me a while back to by a book, "Wounded Heart" so I did and threw it in a box. Tonight He directed me to that shoebox to pull out the book. I DO NOT want to look at the abuse again. I have been over it and over it and through it, but mostly around it.
I began to read and knew immediately this was directed by God. Do I have to go back to counselin? , I DO NOT want to. I'll be honest, I'm tired of cleaning up the mess left by others after 47 years. I would like to have ten years of happiness and feeling complete and still be young enough to enjoy it, before I die. I am feeling a little unchristian and would kind of like to share it with a couple people from my past. But you make a decision, do I want to feel this way the rest of my life? Or take the chance of feeling better, healthy and complete? It can't get worse, because I've already been there. Here I go again. This could be really interesting to read these next few weeks. Stay tuned...
"The first great enemy to lasting change is the propensity to turn our eyes away from the wound and pretend things are fine. The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced." - Dr. Dan B. Allender
A link to the Winchester House - very interesting.
http://winchestermysteryhouse.com/index.cfm
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