“Most hatred is based on fear, one way or another. Yeah. I wrapped myself in anger, with a dash of hate, and at the bottom of it all was an icy center of pure terror.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton,
The last 48 hours have been very interesting. So I touched on something, just a part of the lies that form the stronghold of rage. There are still more questions. I hope and pray that walking through this on this blog helps somebody, even one person will make the transparency worth it. I sat down with a friend last night, brought out a pencil and paper and wrote down all the different puzzle pieces the Lord is giving me. I have begged God to show me truth so I can be free of rage. To be free I have to know where this comes from.
One of the puzzle pieces is the whole POW system I totally identify with. I see a parallel in the 12 step program. I do believe there is a lot of good in this program, but there are a few things I don't see working. First of all to admit you are an addict is the first step and I believe should not be mentioned again, but in meetings they have you claim it over and over. "Hi, I am an addict." Life and death in our words applies here. As a matter of fact, tomorrow we bury yet another of my friends who died from their disease. She never found complete freedom after more than 20 years of trying to "work" the program. She was young and beautiful, leaving behind kids and grandkids. I have seen more die than I have seen find freedom. I see the 12 step program as sort of a purgatory. You are caught somewhere between heaven and hell, freedom and the disease. It only works if you work it is a true statement. Find the root of what is causing the addiction and face it. Face the truth. Why are we so afraid of the truth? Because the enemy wants us to be.
I see the 12 step program as a type of POW camp. You may be delivered from using, or should I say from the camp itself, but the bondage is still there. Dry drunk? Stepping out of the confines of years of abuse in a POW camp sets you free, technically. But the PTSD nightmares continue unless you address them, face the truth, get delivered from the demons and come to truly know your identity in Christ. You can survive for years after your release, but the nightmares continue until you find complete freedom from whatever drove you to the addiction.
Another piece the Lord has been talking to me about and I wrote on my list is confrontation. He has given me words for people about their bondage. Not an easy thing. I hate confrontation so I guess that's why He chose me. He wants us to work out the darkness with His light. There have been four different people He has sent me to. One had a spirit of distraction. The first thing the Lord did was had me observe this for quite awhile. Then He asked me if I had a spirit of distraction and honestly I am occasionally tormented by it, especially when He needs me to focus. I had to deal with that, ask forgiveness and so on. Then He had me tell her. It was actually awesome. She asked for help immediately and I along with two other people walked her through getting rid of the little tormentor. She went after truth. She didn't get stuck in the enemy's plan. She asked for truth and dealt with. She didn't mess with blame, shame, judgment, guilt, none of it. I was so thankful because confronting is so hard for me. I had to be willing to give up the friendship for the growth of both of us. There was one other who basically did the same thing. She called another friend for conformation and she went after truth. Again I was so thankful. I don't want to lose friends, but more importantly, I want growth and freedom for each of my friends as well as myself. I had to face the issue before I could bring it up to her. I also had to face that what ever they did with the word I was sent with was none of my business. God called me to give the word, offer help and walk away unless they asked me for that help. I do not ever want to confront anyone on any issue, because like I said, I do not like confrontation, but these two made it a lot easier than it could have been.
These two friends are not who God wanted to talk about as much as He wanted to talk about the two who didn't take it so well. They both accused me of screwed up thinking, doing the enemy's dirty work, and said I needed help. Well, we all need help, none of us is perfect, but the Lord wanted to talk about the fear of truth. I want the truth no matter how much it hurts. I will go after it. I have an anger issue with those who do not want the truth, complete freedom.
The next puzzle piece? I came across an article on a sex ring that was busted. Two of the men arrested had attempted to meet up with a 13 year old and a fourteen year old. They are in deep trouble for this, high bail and serious charges. My first thought was how I would like to forward the article to those who sexually abused me after the age of thirteen. Why? I wanted to prove to them that this was still young enough to be considered child rape and how blessed they are to have never spent a night in jail. Why did I need to prove this? It came out in my conversation last night with my friend. Because of comments made to me years ago, I have always struggled with this. Because I was thrown into adult roles in other areas of my life, I felt I should have been old enough to "know better". I should have said "No". Even writing this, defensiveness rises up in me. I feel like I have to defend myself. The article plainly showed me that theses ages are still considered children. When I look at kids who are 13 and 14 I see it. I would never hold them responsible, but the enemy has used the words of others to cause me to struggle with this lie that I am somehow responsible.
Another puzzle piece the Lord laid before me was from a book my counselor had me read. At the time I hated it. I called it "The Stupid Book" and passed it on to the pastor to read. I wish I had it right now. The book spoke about our vision of who God is before the abuse and our relationship with our abuser BEFORE the abuse. These things play a huge role in the severity of the damage done by the abuse. A child raped by his or her father is traumatized more than a child raped by an acquaintance. I am in no way minimizing the affects of rape by a stranger or acquaintance, but there is a difference in the trauma. Rape is traumatic no matter who the rapist is in relation to the victim, but the trust built up before the rape adds to the trauma. We hear so often of grooming, otherwise known as trust building. The abuser convinces the victim they are special to them. This adds to the trauma. This trust and then trauma damages... steals the victims identity. When someone you trust hurts you deeply and then does not even acknowledge any wrong doing and even accuses you of wrongdoing it is devastating and can completely destroy your ability to trust. Even when you do trust someone, you wait and expect they will fail.
Anger is a secondary emotion brought on by fear or hurt or possibly other things. God told me my anger stemmed from fear. I thought about the last outbursts. I saw fight and flight results in both, from both the person involved and myself. Sometimes it is best to take flight to protect from further abuse. But sometimes flight is used to avoid the truth.
This morning, I woke with the song "Forgiven" by Brian Johnson from Bethel playing in my head. After listening to it a couple times, I turned my attention back to the enablers - what is the fear? It was obvious to see the fear of being unloved, unwanted, and insignificant. But I knew there was more. I thought about it, I prayed about it, I cried about it. God show me, what is the issue and how do I end this rage.
I walked down to the car to get something, talking to God all the way and as I reached into the car, I asked, "What is causing this deep anger?" Then He answered, "Your deepest fear." What could be deeper than the fear of being unloved, unwanted and insignificant? Most victims of abuse have a deep fear of becoming like their abuser. An enabler? Am I afraid of becoming an enabler? Yes, but it is not big enough to cause rage, right? Then He asked, "Who were they enabling?" They were enabling Satan.
Ephesians 6:12 (ASV)
12 For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
My biggest fear is to find out I am enabling Satan. God said the fear is affecting my ministry and He has to bring this out of me. I know this may sound a little harsh, enabling Satan, but going back over the things He has been showing me, it is the same evil beheading children that is behind gossip, behind eating a cheeseburger instead of salad. We all enable Satan to a degree. The enabling I am talking about is where others are getting hurt deeply. When we know what the enemy is doing and do nothing we are taking his side. We are working against God if He shows us something that needs to be taken care of, stopped, or done and we don't do it. This is exactly what throws me into a rage, when disobedience to God causes harm to others.
Maybe my feelings are so strong, because since conception the enemy has been in total control of my life and he has made it a living hell. The abuse alone, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal was more than enough to hate Satan, but when people who are in a role that is supposed to protect or have committed to protect others and then out of pure selfishness don't... yes, I get really angry. I am not one to sit and watch a parent abuse their child, I am not willing to walk away when a man or woman is beating their significant other, and I sure won't sit back and watch Satan himself get a jab in at anyone if the Lord has asked me to step in. The Lord expects us to become like Him and we are not doing that if we are not looking at the darkness in us, our behavior, how the enemy is holding us in bondage, separating the truth from lies. To stay lukewarm is to team up with the enemy. I for one do not want to be spewed.
I understand this all takes time and should be done in the Lord's timing, but if it's been revealed to you, it's His timing. I have noticed God is picking up the pace and I'm not talking picante sauce. He is accelerating the healing and overall growth of those who are willing. I don't hold people responsible who do not know. I have no problem with working at a very slow pace and even backsliding. I do become enraged when a person knows that God wants them to face something and not doing it causes harm to others. That hacks me off.
Yes, there are occasions when it's not God, but we are responsible for checking. When you get a word that is meant for your healing or growth, you need to check it. The enemy will do one of two things - convince you it's not true or beat you up and make it sound worse than it is. I can watch somebody struggle with a demon if the Lord tells me not to say anything. I pray for them. But quoting from "A Few Good Men" if "You can't handle the truth" that is probably a lie from the enemy. Jesus is the Truth and He will walk you through it as fast as you are willing to go. To not face truth is to believe the lie and we all know who is the father of lies - all lies, even the little white ones.
“But on Kwajalein, the guards sought to deprive them of something that had sustained them even as all else had been lost: dignity. This self-respect and sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of humanness; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cleaved from, and cast below, mankind.”
― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Book of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption
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