Who am I? God's Child!

“It doesn't matter if a million people tell you what you can't do, or if ten million tell you no. If you get one yes from God that's all you need.”
― Tyler Perry

     Who am I?  I don't even know anymore.  There is a transition period when God begins a work in us, when we totally surrender every part of our lives to Him.  I don't belong where I was, but I'm beginning to fit in where I never thought I would.  We build protective walls to keep the bad out, but it also keeps the good in us locked inside.  There was a fear of reaching out.  What if nobody likes me?  What if I fail?

     This morning, I have a whole new respect for Dave.  He was so transparent about his life, his failures, that I felt I could reach out to him.  As I'm trying desperately to finish my story, to put into words what has happened to me this last year and a half, I am going back through thousands of emails between Dave and me.  It's emotional to go back there.  It's difficult to see how messed up, angry, scared, and tormented I truly was.  But Dave hung in there.  It had to be difficult at times, when I was verbally abusive, when I flip flopped on what I was willing to do and when I begged him to help me and he didn't know what to do.  The demons weren't letting go very easily, but he wouldn't let go either, with the grace of God.  I see most clearly now why God chose him for such a difficult task.  I find myself often repeating his words to hurting people.  There was a sermon he gave a week before I first contacted him on how we are to love each other.  Looking back, he practiced ever single word he preached.

Here is the link if you would like to watch it. It is titled "Relationships, Part 4: Love is the Greatest"

http://www.ctkbellingham.com/sermons/#preacher-sort_dave-browning-pastor-of-strategic-ministry

     I believe it is very important to show up, if God has instructed you to.  I also believe it is important to step back if God has chosen someone else for the task.  God gave Dave the strength, the wisdom, the words to say to me, and blessings for obeying.  I was so angry and at times he got angry along with me.  But there were times when I directed my anger at him after he would expose a truth I needed to face.  I attacked with words like, "Do you feel better now?"  He changed me and cracked me up with the same response every time, "No, I feel the same".  I wanted him to rage back at me for an excuse to walk away, but he stayed stable or at least that's what he allowed me to see.

     In the beginning God told me that Dave and I would tell my story like he and Grant told his.  There was some uneasiness, because I knew our friendship would change once my story was told.  God promised we would be friends forever.  He has given me the responsibility of praying for Dave and his family which I consider a privilege, a gift.  But our relationship has changed.  He is still a teacher, but in a different way.  God has said to me, "I have put a teacher before you.  He teaches many and travels all over the world.  I want you to keep learning from Him because it will be of great value to what I have for you.  Support him in the tasks I have given him."  

     God has put many teachers in front of me.  I learn different things from each of them.  I have no idea what God has planned for me, but I know right now He wants me to finish writing my story.  There is fear in finishing it, because I don't know what's next.  But at the same time, I can't wait to find out.  As I read through all the emails I see several times when Dave promised what my future would be like if I just kept seeking God's face.  Now, he gets to say, "I told you so." with that big brother smirk of his.  Don't tell him, but I am glad he was right.

Hard days are part of this journey. If it was easy everyone would be doing it. - Dave Browning