"B" Jesus

“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.”
― C.S. Lewis


     I went there to pray for others.  I was trying to worship in preparation for praying for healing over emotionally, spiritually and physically broken people, but it was hard to focus.  Less than two hours earlier I had received a text from my friend.  One of my oldest friendships.  I value those I have carried a friendship with over decades, because there are so few of them left.  Most of my close friends are dead.  At 3:33 I received the text; "Hi, I have cancer."  There were more words, but I didn't see them.  That was two days ago and as I maneuver my way through the days, every couple hours an invisible hand comes out of no where and grabs me by the throat and I can't breathe.  I have to go back to the chess board.  On my knees in worship shortly after "the text" I told Jesus, "I don't want to be here.  I don't know how to feel.  This hurts.  I'm scared.  He is not a believer.  What do I do right now in this minute?"  He showed me a huge chess board with people sitting in the squares waiting for their next move.  "No matter where the pieces move they are still in the picture."  I'm not sure what this means exactly.  All I know is he is my oldest male friendship that has lasted over the years.  Even when we get together and talk about friends, they are dead now.  I am too young for this.
     Priority is salvation.  He lost his best friend to cancer only months ago.  I prayed for him, but he wouldn't let us come to his bedside and probably died without Jesus.  My friend, I will call "B" and I talk about God.  He knows cancer doesn't come from God, so he believes and he knows God is good even when his friend is dying.  He asks for prayer support, so he believes in prayer.  Priority of salvation is moving forward.  There is even a church he goes to occasionally with his girlfriend and he likes the pastor.  Awesome.  But we never talk long before he remembers the ugly stuff.  "B" is an intelligent man and an artist.  He likes to laugh and he really cares about people.  I met him in the 12 step program so we have a lot in common when it comes to dealing with feelings as we are of those who choose numbing over dealing.  But because we have been friends so long, we know we are safe to share our feelings.  After all these years we can share with eye contact, no words necessary.  He doesn't like Christians and I don't blame him.  What he has seen is not love, it's stupid. 
     "B" went to a baby dedication at another church and the pastor was talking about stupid stuff, not God.  He was not winning "B" over by far, in fact, he was running him out.  He wanted to get up and leave.  It's hard to separate Christ and Christians to those who have not yet decided.  I can say amateur psychology does not belong in the church. 
     I wonder how we find unity when people don't want truth.  I have repeatedly told my friends, if I am not seeing a spirit on me, a habit or an unloving behavior on myself, please tell me.  I want to know.  Even if I get up and leave, I promise to look at it and I will be back.  I don't want to be stuck.  I want to grow.  Everybody has little things they are dealing with and we will always heal and continue to grow.  I love seeing this stuff, because I can pray, but it's the big gaping wounds that are seeping on others that make me crazy.  Like a street preacher who is screaming in judgment outside a church and my 5 year old grandson is scared.  Really?  Really?  You obviously have gifts of great knowledge of scripture and boldness, but you are scaring children, my children and grandchildren and that is not okay.  Especially when they are finally open to God and you scream them into the car and out of the parking lot.   They are traumatized 2 weeks later.  "B" don't look at them.  Don't look at anyone holding a sign with fire and hell on it.
     "B" don't look at that guy with the "I love my church" T-shirt who just screamed profanity.  "B" all believers don't drive like that.  Let's talk about Jesus.  "B" over here, stop looking at that short skirt on that children's ministry leader.  "B" the pastor may be having an off day.  Let's talk about Jesus.  It's really hard to focus on the unknown invisible God when His kids are so visibly not being Christ like. 
   I sat and watched people and I couldn't tell the difference.  "B" understands the baby believers, but in the 12 step program the old timers stand out.  They usually have wisdom and knowledge in every situation.  But in the Church very few old timers stand out from others, unless they are wearing a scowl of judgment.  Yep, I won't be taking "B" to any churches.  But I will be bringing friends, spiritual fully believing in the bigness of God, friends to him to introduce Jesus. 

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.”
― C.S. Lewis