“I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.”
― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
A couple weeks ago the Lord showed me a wound that is coming between us. It is affecting my trust in Him and my belief that I will make it to heaven. I kept getting this picture of Jesus coming back for us and looking at me, "Ha. Jokes on you. You thought I loved you, but I never planned on taking you." At first I thought it was the enemy, but as I prayed about it and talked about it with friends I realized it was Jesus, showing me a deep rooted fear. There is the rejection again. Where is this coming from? He showed me three men. The first one was where the wound started, when my dad left. Then the second was a man I had trusted for many years that turned on me and the same with the third and most recent. Now what?
If there is one thing I could teach every person I meet or help every person improve on, it's hearing God. If each person could hear Him clearly for themselves instead of depending on others, or even scripture, I would feel like I had accomplished something. Sometimes we are alone in a situation without a bible and God is speaking direction He wants us to take, words He wants us to speak and yet, we aren't even listening. Instead we are going back on what we know in our own heads and that can be dangerous. Scripture in the heart is good, but even scripture in the head can be distorted. Believe it or not, it can become a crutch. When Jesus asks us to speak, it can be so far out there by world standards that unless we are so familiar with His voice, we don't believe it is Him. He often gives us a word that shoots right through the heart like an arrow and speaks to the person in a way we do not understand. He knows all, we don't.
As I was driving home one night, I was talking out loud in the car to Jesus. I am so tired of living the way He has me living right now. Yes, I have all my needs met, but there are things I just want. I was explaining to Him that I see the incredible things He does and if for instance He would heal my eyes it would be one less expense. Why Jesus? Why can't you just snap your fingers and heal my eyes? No answer. That night lying in bed in the dark staring up at a ceiling I could barely see in the darkness, Jesus appeared. I couldn't see Him like I can see my hand right now, but I could see Him in the spirit. Like a little kid He was lying on His stomach about 2 or 3 feet above me, His face above mine. We stared at each other for quite some time before He lowered His hands and laid them across my eyes and then blew very hard on the backs of His hands. Suddenly, I could see the second of the three men. He was 13 years old at the funeral of his mother. He wore a suit and was wiping his eyes with his sleeve. I could feel his pain. It was so deep, I could not control my tears. It hurt so badly, I could barely stand it. Then it hit me. This was a wound we never talked about. This was a wound he never completely healed from and through this wound he hurt me. It was easy to forgive him. I had before and was no longer angry, but it went deeper knowing where his behavior came from.
Then Jesus reached down with his hands and did it again. I saw my dad, under a table or something around 5 or 6 years old. He was covering his ears and he was scared. The tears were falling as I could feel his hurt and fear. This was where his actions came from. This was something I don't totally understand, but I felt the feelings and I know this is where his behavior is rooted.
Jesus reached down for a third time, but I told him "No". I knew who was next and I didn't want to see it. My wounds are too raw from him and I don't want to go there. We went back to staring at each other and may have even shared words I don't remember, but Jesus has a way of talking without words. I finally gave in and He laid His hands across my eyes. Only this time He barely blew on the backs of His hands. I saw a blender on a counter. It was full of green slushy stuff. In a vision green means growth, prosperity, and conscience if it's positive or humanism and compromise on the negative side. I'm not sure what they were trying to feed him. Behind the blender I could see part of a kitchen with ugly yellow wall paper with flowers. There he was, leaning against the counter. He was somewhere between 12 and 15. Anger, fear and pain were the feelings as his shoulders hunched forward and his head was down. I looked only for a second, before I blinked it away and rolled onto my side to sleep. I didn't want to see anymore. Jesus whispered, "You said you wanted your eyes healed."
I share this story and many before it, not to say, "Look at me! Jesus and I are tight." No, I share it to show those that don't hear, Jesus has so much more for us and communicates in so many ways. English is not His only language. Do we really think He is up there speaking in English with His angels? Is He using words at all? He has been my counselor, more than anyone. Yes, people have helped me a lot, but the greatest counseling, healing, Truth, I get are in those moments with Him. He talks to us in so many ways. In my sharing I have had people realize He was talking to them. There is no such thing as coincidence. Somebody said once that coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous, but He doesn't want to stay anonymous, He wants conversation, He wants intimacy, He wants what all of us want in relationship, trust respect, time with each other, etc.
I shared this story with two trusted friends and one asked, "Don't you want to be healed?" What stopped me from wanting to see the rest of the picture, the feelings? I don't know.
There is a place in the county where I have done more worshipping, giving praise and glory to God than any other place and that is a friend's driveway. Over the years we have spent hours sitting in her car or mine or even others, processing the goodness, the awesomeness of what God is doing. It usually happens after ministry. We talk about all the things Jesus said and did that day. He is so good. As the two of us sat in the driveway a few days ago processing the mornings ministry and the awesome things Jesus did, the conversation came around to my healing in this area. My friend began walking me through it. When was the first time you felt this way? Back into the past we went to dig out the roots. It was hot in the car, because the Holy Spirit's presence can heat up a space. Our windows were part way down as she walked me through the memories. The wind was picking up and we heard a tree crack. We continued and occasionally stopped to acknowledge the sound of the tree cracking. I said at one point, "Trees represent leadership and all these men were authority. I feel like this tree cracking is God talking." We laughed, because we know, He does stuff like that. As she walked me through forgiveness in specific areas we were stopped as a huge oak tree next door, fell over, roots pulled right out of the ground, the whole thing went over. We kept going and the atmosphere changed. By the time I left there I was a lot lighter and there were a few trees on the ground. Was it God? Most would say it was a wind storm, and it was, but I believe it was prophetic. As we forgive it allows the Holy Spirit to do a work in those we forgive. The Holy Spirit is moving through this area and the cracked, weak and dead in leadership will be taken out unless they are willing to go back to the roots of the hurt and heal it.
We have to be able to go back and look at the roots of our pain. We have to start by admitting there is pain. I keep seeing that little boy wiping his tears on his sleeve. We have all seen kids with tears streaming down their faces and an angry tone claiming, "That didn't hurt." Or how about, "I don't care." But we know it does hurt and we know they do care, by their words and their tears. My friend told me she knew we had hit on it when I began to bite my nails. Good catch. Claiming it doesn't hurt or I don't care, it doesn't bother me while chewing away on my nails says a lot. Many of us don't want it to hurt. We don't want to admit that another person had or has that power over us. Why are we still talking about it? Because it hurts. Why are the tears falling? Because my heart is broken.
I woke up two days later with God speaking. Unhealed childhood hurts, bring out childish behavior. The age of the unhealed wound is the age of reaction to the same pain. He says to come to Him like children. It is in those places, those wounds, that we can be vulnerable with Him. Yes, Jesus, it hurt when Dad left. It broke my heart when he said it was over. It still hurts, whenever he says things about me because it reminds me of the rejection I feel from him. It screams "I hate you." No matter what words others hear, I hear "You meant nothing to me." I remember one time looking at a friend with anger dripping from my eyes, "I don't want to forgive him." Another friend said, "That right there is honesty." The first friend came over, pointed at his shoulder and said, "Let it go." I cried like a baby on his shoulder for several minutes. Forgiveness is huge, but we can't forgive an offense we don't admit is there. Forgiveness should be so deep and wide that they can no longer offend us. They can no longer hurt us, because we see that their actions are rooted in childhood wounds and until that is healed, their reactions will be as a child the age the wounding took place.
People can be mature in several areas of their lives, but have one unhealed area where their actions are of a teenager or even toddler. If the time comes that God wants the wound healed and we don't go back to that place and heal it, God will allow the enemy to keep poking at that wound through people until we either go back or blow up our lives. It's a choice. When he reveals a gaping, seeping wound and we ignore it, it can get infected and take our life. He will take us out of ministry if our wound is seeping on others whether they know it or not. This country is a mess because of rejection. We have people trying to get a long with people, but a huge wall of rejection stands between them. It's in our government, it's in our teachers, leaders, people on the street. Everybody is angry and self absorbed because of rejection and it's a me, me, what about me, society. It can be turned around by changing our focus to you, you, you and forgiving.
Sitting in that driveway, I told my friend, when we are abused in some way, we grow up and run from that behavior or we find ourselves abusing others the same way." She said, "And I think God has had enough." Then the huge oak went down.
“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
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