Free will to forgive!

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

 
      Again God is showing me how all the conversations and lessons lately are tied together for a reason, for His Glory!!  There was a conversation recently where one person said, "It's easier to forgive when they are truly sorry."  This is true.  Many times when we receive a heartfelt apology, we don't hesitate one bit to forgive, but what about when there is no apology and more importantly - NO repentance?
     This morning the Lord gave me a picture of a time when all my kids were much shorter than I, which today is only true for one of them.  I could hold things above their heads and no matter how they struggled they could not reach it.  This is what we do with forgiveness. 
     Say you hold candy out of the reach of children (or shorter adults), far above your head.  There is almost enjoyment at first, until you realize your arms are aching from being held high.  You switch hands to alleviate the pain, but soon both arms ache as you pass the candy back and forth between hands.  You may even get to a point where you get a little grumpy because you know if you let your hands down they will grab the candy without truly earning it.  You realize, you aren't really enjoying the candy either, because even if you are sneaking a bite here and there you don't get a chance to enjoy it. Don't we do this with forgiveness.  It's mine to give, right?  You can't make me forgive, right?  Not the perfect analogy, but you get the picture.
     Not one of the people who abused me over the years has paid for it in any way that I am aware of.  Nobody was charged with a crime, nobody was disciplined in any way.  I confronted one and it helped a bit, but the secret is still being kept.  He has not had to face any person who knows about the crime, but me.  I am the only one who has said, "That was wrong."  Has he said he is sorry?  No.  None of them have.  But, I have forgiven them, some of them several times.  Whenever anger enters my thoughts, I forgive again.
     When a grown man abuses a child, rapes a teen or beats a woman we can totally understand how difficult it is to forgive, even if they were sorry.  In my opinion sorry is not enough.  Repentance is what God instructs.  To be sorry is a feeling, a regret, but is it for the action or for getting caught.  Repentance is an action.  It is a way of proving the feeling of regret.  To go through the humiliation and pain of repentance proves the feeling of truly being sorry for the action, not just getting caught.
     I think just about every person has someone who has hurt them, that they have not forgiven or have found it difficult to forgive.  They may say they have, but they hang on to a bitterness that is killing them.  It may be a general bitterness, like against a race, a type of person, or gender.  For instance, if a man has un-forgiveness toward his mother, but he thinks he has forgiven her and maybe their relationship is even healed to a degree, but when he meats a women with the same characteristics, the bitterness he denies is revived. 
     For instance, I know a man who has bitterness toward a woman in his past because she never took responsibility for her role in a failure.  He says he has forgiven, but admits is still hurt by it.  This is an area we saw eye to eye, because just like I wanted her to apologize for hurting him, he wanted the people who abused me to apologize to me. 
     What happens when we hang on to the bitterness caused by hurt caused by some one who does not repent?  It grows.  Eventually, we become angry at God for the person's actions.  Eventually we walk on and hurt people and refuse to repent ourselves.  This is called rebellion.  Rebellion is not only refusing to submit to a higher authority, but it is submitting to a spirit of pride. Bitterness in the heart comes out in the words.  It may not even be obvious, but it will come out.
     I heard somebody say recently that the Lord will not allow His sheep to be deceived.  It's okay to admit we were wrong and repent, but it is not okay to fight against God and ever think you can win.  She was talking to teachers, when she said, Obey God, repent, or sit down.  Refusing to forgive is a sin.  Hanging on to bitterness is a sin.  We may not think it affects us, but it does.
     Bitterness can be passed down through generations.  If you have an anger/bitterness toward a race, gender, or religion it's likely your kids will pick up that same feeling toward those people.  We don't want to be remembered for what we have done.  We want to be remembered for who we are - in our heart.  But un-forgiveness causes us to remember others by what they have done, not who they truly are - in their heart.  There are some amazing stories about forgiveness.  One man was falsely accused of rape and spent over a decade in prison before DNA testing cleared his name.  Now he and the woman who said he raped her travel around speaking together.  Their families are close friends.  Last night I heard a story of two men who are good friends.  One of the men's grandson shot and killed the other man's son.  Now they have created a program where they speak to teens about guns and violence and forgiveness.  After watching these kinds of stories, how can a person not forgive for some of the small things we are holding onto, no matter how big they are to us?
     I have heard stories also about the guilty party repenting only after the so called victim forgave them.  The cool thing is they didn't even know they had been forgiven.  It was as though the victim had tied them up with an invisible rope of un-forgiveness and all they could do was fight against being bound.  Once they were forgiven (even without being aware of it) the rope they didn't even acknowledge dropped to the ground and they could see clearly. 
     I know hurts can run so deep we don't even realize they are still there.  We have to ask Jesus to shine His light into the dark places in us.  The rebellious and prideful side of us screams, "You don't understand what they did to me." and I totally get that because I have screamed those words a thousand times, and even now fight screaming them as I forgive one person in my life sometimes several times a day.  There are people who don't understand how deep the pain runs, because they don't understand the whole experience, but it doesn't matter.  Forgiveness, to truly forgive someone for a deep hurt is between two people only.  You and God.  If the party who hurt wants to be a part of that circle, great, but often they don't.
     I have on many occasions shared raw honesty with God.  "It hurts."  or "I don't want to forgive them" or even "I want revenge."  It helps get past the feelings and focus on the forgiveness.  Sometimes I feel so small when I talk to Him about my pain, but it's part of working through it. I think the worst is when they don't even see that they have done anything wrong.  They may even consider themselves totally innocent and somehow blame you for what happened.  That's painful.  When somebody has hurt you so deeply and they say, "I have done nothing wrong - this is all your fault."  You cry out to God in the middle of the night when you can't sleep and you feel like nobody understands.  Then you remember Him hanging there.  They all thought He was guilty, deserved it, they were not to blame, it was His fault.  And He whispers, "Forgive them, they don't know what they are doing."  
    He gave them free will to hurt us.  He gives us free will to forgive them.  It seems a little unbalanced to forgive someone who is not sorry for their actions, but then again it seems a little unbalanced to not forgive somebody for one or two things they did, when Jesus forgave us for every little thing we even thought about doing.


The day that Jesus was crushed for our sins, He revealed the meaning of true justice. Justice was no longer found in revenge, but in forgiveness. - Supernatural Power of Forgiveness