“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf
The other day I went to a celebration for a training I had completed. They lined up all of us who had completed the course and had previous graduates and representatives from other areas pray over each of us, give words of knowledge and prophecy. It was powerful. People who had no idea what is going on in my life, who have never met me, who did not hear what other people prayed and heard, spoke truth over and over. I heard the same words confirmed over and over. I heard a lot of good things, but there was one thing that bothered me. A woman prayed an increase of imagination. WHAT? I have an incredible imagination. I write. I could make up a story right now, that would blow my own mind. I pray constantly that my imagination does not get in the way of reality. Maybe this comes from my fear of being crazy. When God does amazing things and says amazing things to me, I often think "There goes my imagination again." But when I asked God about this, He reminded me of her next words, "So that your mind is more open to what God is doing." Okay, this makes a little sense.
Right away I remembered a day almost a year ago, sitting on the deck outside my room. I had my earphones in, listening to one of my favorite worship songs and talking to God about the amazing things He was doing in my life. Then right in front of me, a cloud formed in my yard. Crazy? I thought so. I looked at this thing from every angle. I said I would never speak of it. This had to be my eyes playing tricks on me. Why would God hang a cloud in my front yard? Could anyone else see it? Was I finally losing it? Just as I was about to write it off as a freak, visual deception of a sick brain in my head, the song ended and the cloud evaporated. I won't even go into what else happened that night, but I know that I know that I know, there was a cloud in my front yard, put there for me, that tied into my worship. Am I crazy? There are people who worship God in a way I am not free to, there are people who follow Him to their own death. With all my failure, why would He do this for me?
Recently He answered that question. He did big things for me to grow my faith. He did these things so I could not deny Him, walk away from Him, turn in my Bible when His people turned on me. He told me a couple things. "I had to win you with the supernatural, because you didn't trust words." Makes sense to me with my history. Actions speak louder than words. I could read the bible all day about His love for me and all that He did, but it did not come alive to me. His actions did. They blew my mind.
For being a person who loves words, I love to use them, hear them, dissect them, I sure don't believe them very often. Too many times words have been like daggers to me. Too many times, the speaker was deceptive, the words were lies. Actions are where it is at in my world. The Lord told me, He would have lost me these last couple months had He not blown my mind with His awesome power.
Words spoken by a friend can end a friendship, words spoken by a spouse can end a marriage, and words spoken by a minister can end a ministry. The most valuable lesson I have learned in the last two years is to trust God, not people. People will let you down. Learning to have healthy relationships is very difficult when after almost 50 years you have never had one.
Last night, a pastor had us step off an imaginary diving board. We were to choose something we were afraid to let go of or step into and just step off the diving board into what God had for us. Acting out what we speak out is powerful. Actions speak loudly. For instance I recently watched a pastor at a healing service get frustrated and it spoke loudly to me. He had called up those who had received a word of knowledge about someone with an issue needing healing, but when they spoke it out and the person needing the healing did not acknowledge the word was for them, he said it did damage to the person with the word of knowledge. Just in case that wasn't clear, if I received a word from God that somebody in the room was having pain in their neck and I spoke that out, but the person with the pain in their neck did not acknowledge that it was them God was speaking of, it hurts the person who received the word from God, because they doubt they are hearing Him.
This spoke loudly to me, because I recently had a person who I trusted more than anyone scream at me that every word of knowledge I had given was wrong. I tried desperately not to allow these words to hurt me, but this on top of him warning others that I was unstable, just about made me turn in my Bible. Why? because the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. We don't always get it right and I know I have been wrong before, but over a two year period of telling this person several things God had spoken to me and having him confirm several times that I was hearing God and then turn around and tell me that every word was wrong, because of my trust in him, did some serious damage to my courage. Isolating in my room seemed like the thing to do. I pulled back from most all my friends, but there were a couple who wouldn't let go of me.
So, back to the imagination thing, what if it is all in my head? What if I live in a dream world? What if none of this is real and I have made it all up in my head? Sometimes when things get really ugly, it's hard to believe there is a God who would allow it. That's when God said, "I had to show you how big I am so you would not turn away, so I would not lose you when all this happened."
How do you get past this? I went for prayer constantly. I honestly went back to the place where I would lie in bed at night and tell Jesus to leave me alone. We had to start over, almost from scratch. The few things I had to hold on to were a few good friends who spoke truth even when it hurt and some big moments when God spoke to me and I could not deny it. He talks to me a lot in dreams and visions and if we are too strict with leaving our imagination out of our relationship we will miss the cloud. We would miss that still small voice.
Have you ever imagined or acted out giving something to God? I do it all the time. I take my kids and lay them in His big arms, by closing my eyes and picturing it. Sometimes those pictures escape from the control of my imagination and He speaks to me. The other day, very frustrated I said, "God, sometimes I just want to crawl up in your lap and forget this world." Immediately I saw a picture of His lap and His outstretched hands and though I did not see His face, I heard His voice, "Come on up." I walked away.
Within days, this came up while I was being prayed for. "Why are you afraid to climb up in the Father's lap?" Why? Because I remember being sexually molested while sitting in a grown man's lap - three different men. Do you see how the enemy works here? What better way to keep me out of God's lap than by making it a dirty place. Often times when the abuse issues are big or I don't feel safe, Jesus comes to me as a boy, because it's safe that way. I can talk to Him when that adult male figure is too scary. So, Jesus as a boy of about 12 said to me, "One day, I will take you there. One day, I will climb up in His lap with you. When you are ready." Does this sound crazy? It does to me, but I hear Him and this is what He said. Could it be the enemy? No, the enemy tried to keep me from a relationship with Christ. He does not want me and Jesus sitting in God's lap together. Could it be my flesh? Maybe. Maybe God is using my flesh to heal me, because that is what is happening.
I thought I was through most of the painful stuff, but the onion just keeps getting peeled back further and further. I have been praying, "God, help me accept that you love me and that you are safe." Seems like a pretty simple prayer, but I have really gone backwards in my trust issues. I really battle it every day. Yesterday the Lord woke me up early to pray. He had specific people to pray for and specific situations and messages He wanted me to send. I am back to battling whether I hear Him or not. There are people who have said to me, "I wish I heard God the way you do" This makes me wonder, am I really hearing Him. The enemy has really done a number on me through those I trusted to make me doubt myself and my ability to hear God. I do not want to do anything that is not in His will, but sometimes what He asks me to do is so difficult and I have even asked him to send someone else. Yesterday, He gave me a choice. He said, "This is what I want you to do, but I am going to give you a choice." I knew He would not hold it against me (if you will) but I did what He wanted. The blessings came.
Last night, during worship a picture flashed in my mind. The picture was so clear, I could not deny it. Yes, I have an imagination which helped me accept it was Him speaking to me. The picture was of the day my dad left. I was the one who grabbed onto him and begged him not to go. This is a painful memory that happened at 11 years old, so to see me running after him at a younger age was not how I would have imagined it. I was running fast and full of fear of him getting away. The tears started, because I didn't understand what He was showing me. Then I saw him, as I was running up behind him walking away. But, when he turned around, it wasn't my dad, it was God. He held out His arms and I ran right up into them. I heard Him clearly say, "I will never leave you." Was this my imagination? Was this what my flesh wanted? Absolutely! But it was my imagination that allowed God to show me, it is what He wants too. Needless to say there were a lot of tears last night.
Then a man I have seen several times, but never talked to, approached me with a word from God. I knew he had heard from God, because of the words he spoke. He told me that Jesus was going to slowly bring me to our Father and interpret for Him until I was comfortable. That was just too close to what Jesus had told me to deny it was Him. This man went on to tell me about his experience and how he had been told his words were false. Everything he said about his life spoke to me, because we had shared so many of the same painful experiences and awesome experiences. I have talked to many people who "get" a part of me, but I had never talked to anyone who "gets" me like this man. I found a freedom last night, a validation, a confirmation from God like I have never experienced. Am I crazy? I feel crazy sometimes and when I read this blog, sometimes I wonder if I would believe me. I wonder why I even write about this stuff.
But one of the people who spoke over me the other night said, "People open up to you, don't they?" I said, "Yes, they do." Then she said, "Because you are so transparent, you are not afraid to share because you know the power in it." She prayed for even more transparency. This woman and the man I spoke with both said, "God is pleased with your hunger for Him and your willingness to obey." That's where the blessings are. They are in the obedience. Even if it hurts, it is where the intimacy is. My heart was broken repeatedly and often times I don't know how to love, but I do know how to obey and that's the way I love Him. To me, nothing else matters. We don't have to follow any rules, or worry about any rules, because if we listen to Him and do what He wants, we won't break any of the rules, we will be doing it His way, the only way. Obedience leads to blessings and more importantly, Him.
If God told me there is only one thing He wants me to speak to people about, it would be hearing Him. The Lord often speaks to me through nature, numbers, people, and even clouds. English is not His first language. If I could teach one thing, it would be to open up your heart, your imagination and listen. Allow the Creator to be creative.
“[To have Faith in Christ] means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
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