“Good character is the quality which makes one dependable whether being watched or not, which makes one truthful when it is to one's advantage to be a little less than truthful, which makes one courageous when faced with great obstacles, which endows one with the firmness of wise self-discipline.”
― Arthur S. Adams
Testimony is where it is at. To hear somebody's experience can make ours feel less intimidating, so I am going to share this experience in hopes that it helps someone else walk through a healing of their own.
The Lord has been speaking to me about the word "Stop!" We react in different ways to the Lord when He tells us to stop doing something. A friend mentioned the other day that I am hard on myself. I am strong in my convictions and I beat myself up more than anyone else possibly could. The enemy doesn't even need to help in some areas. Ha. The subject we were on is smoking. I have been told by God that it is time to stop. He actually told me this months ago. I was told that it is rebellion that stops me from laying it down. I have prayed many hours and begged Him to put the desire in me to stop. I have been prayed for and even stopped several times. What I noticed is it is the same situation every time that takes me back to it. It is anger toward one particular person that always drives me to get in my car and run to the store to start up the ugly, smelly habit once again.
I was leaving the store yesterday when out of the blue the Lord said to me, "What is the definition of stop?" Right away I pictured Him like I would my father when I was little and I cringed knowing the punishment was coming. But then He said, "What if my definition is - Let's figure out why you do this?" He was gentle, not beating me up, but actually drawing me into the curiosity of why I am having such a battle in this area. We all have these bad habits or addictions that we have tried to lay aside repeatedly. We feel guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. It may be lying, gossiping, judging, drugs, alcohol, or whatever, we know we need to lay it down and walk away, but we cling to it like a security blanket.
I asked him, what do I get from smoking, that I am not willing to get from you Lord? He went back to a teaching I heard recently. I have never tried to hide the fact that I have an explosive temper. It is not nearly as bad as it was years ago, but when it has gotten out of control in the last couple years it has been at one person - the same person who I pick up cigarettes over. I have gone back and looked at the things I have said when I blew up and at times I can't believe it's me. The immaturity is ridiculous. I sound like a five year old. I can see me there with my arms crossed and my tongue sticking out. Seriously, it's embarrassing. What happened when I was five that stopped my emotional growth in this area. The root of the anger?
Then I see it - revelation - the person who hurt me at 5 and the person I get angry with today, have a lot of the same behavior. When I take a closer look, the behavior I can't stand in both of these men is toward women. They both had/have wandering eyes. They both get stupid when a pretty girl walks by. The way I see it, women are objects put on this earth for their pleasure. They are unfaithful. Is it deeper? Yes. I have no value in their eyes. No matter how good I try to be, I am not enough. They both say they love me, but their actions have said they don't. My feelings, my hurt doesn't matter to them. (By the way, neither of them reads this and that's why I am free to walk through this on here. In hopes it may help someone else walk through it)
How does this all tie to smoking? Anger? Anger at God for putting them in my life. For choosing them as ... role models? When I get angry at them, I smoke in a secret little rebellion toward God. I'm not trusting Him in either of these situations. I ask Him for more info and He points out that I do believe somewhere deep down in both their hearts they do love me, the best they know how. But, neither of them acknowledges my pain. They are both focused on how I have hurt them, let them down, walked away. Yes, I have walked away from both relationships and I am probably missing out, but it's easier to leave than see their faces, the disappointment in their eyes.
What next? Forgiveness and repentance. I have to walk through forgiving them for the behavior. I have to ask forgiveness for holding it against them, hanging on to the anger and allowing bitterness to grow. Yep, that big ball of rebellion is in my court. So I say it out loud, I forgive them. Do I feel it? No. In fact, I feel a little angry about it. I forgive them anyway, believing that one day I will mean it and I may even feel it. Asking forgiveness is easier. The repentance... I will work on it.
One thing I have to mention, the Lord did not talk about the sin of smoking or disobeying when He said to stop. All He wanted to talk about was the root cause, which you may think is anger, but that's just another symptom/sin. The root cause is hurt from rejection. How do I heal that? I push in toward Christ and find my security in Him. The world will reject me, but He never will. Did I put down the cigarettes today? Not yet, but it's coming. I believe it.
“The world is full of men who want to be right, when actually the secret of a man's strength and his pathway to true honor is his ability to admit fault when he has failed. God wants to fill the church with men who can say they are wrong when THEY ARE WRONG. A man who is willing to humble himself before God and his family and say: " I was wrong." will find that his family has all the confidence in the world in him and will much more readily follow him. If he stubbornly refuses to repent or admit he was wrong, their confidence in him and in his leadership erodes.”
― Jim Anderson, Unmasked: Exposing the Cultural Sexual Assault
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