“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”
― Shannon L. Alder
I have realized that our plans don't mean diddley next to God's. On February first I posted about my plan to write out the story of my stroke and work through some serious stuff. I should have known better. God had His own plan. First of all that evening, I became a grandma again. That throws your plans onto the back burner really fast. Then on Valentine's day, I couldn't catch my breath. I was dizzy and having chest pains. As usual through my life, I minimized it, but there came a moment, it just wasn't working for me. I was with a friend who took me to another friends and three of them prayed. Needless to say I ended up looking down the barrel of a cardiologists stethoscope on Heart Day! Woo Hoo!!
In my professional minimizing opinion I truly believed I would be fed some meds and sent home, but they moved me in for a couple days to take a better look. I guess the positive is: I do have a heart. It's just not working right. Ha. I didn't do any ministering this time. I didn't call my kids in. I barely called anyone. I spent a lot of time thinking and asking questions. I was in a unit in the hospital they call the Something Decision Unit. The junk drawer. Something/someone is too valuable to throw away, but there is really no right place to put it/them. And the value can vary from person to person's perspective.
I haven't really shared all the health info with many people, because I have no idea what it means. I have not met with all the doctors yet to tell me if I should get my affairs in order or if this is something most people have? Once you tell people, many have to share their opinion and it comes from their own field of experience, be that knowing someone with a similar condition or fear of abandonment. One person could look at this and freak and the next could say "no big deal". The thing that hit me about this: What ever it means to me, I will project onto others. This is dangerous and a very important reason that gossip is a killer. All I can do is tell the truth as I know it. This is what is wrong and I have yet to find out if this is serious or not. When we see people through our own field of experience we distort truth. There is my truth, your truth and THE Truth. God's truth!
Lately the Lord has been highlighting the many needy people in my life. I attract them like flies on ... and I have no tolerance for it. As I could with my health condition, people project their broken opinions of others. Depending how many bars are still on your prison cell, your view of reality is skewed that much. As healing happens, freedom comes and the bars are removed, the picture becomes clearer. Someone who is insecure can see a bold person as abusive. They can see a person who says no to them as a hater. Then when they talk about that person or victim of perspective, they project on to others their view, instead of God's truth, because until they are healed, they can't see God's truth.
The biggest need (in my opinion) in the Kingdom of God is for believer's to be healed and know their identity in Him. One of my character defects is a lack of patience for the person who says they have been a believer for many years, yet they are still causing chaos and drama over their own insecurity. There comes a time when you do what is right, no matter how it makes you feel. Feelings are not a good representation of truth and too many people are living by their feelings.
I think it had something to do with looking the spirit of death in it's dark eyes. If you have trouble prioritizing things in your life, stare into the dark eyes of death for a good ten minutes. Your whole life, belief system and list of priorities can change. It causes you to truly live more ... on purpose. I am going to choose holding my new baby granddaughter in my arms or picking up my 5 year old grandson from school over high school drama with middle aged insecure people. I only have so much energy each day and so much time to use it before it runs out. I am not going to waste a bit of it.
I am not sure why God is highlighting this, though it is probably because I was once all about me. I had an old friend get mad at me while I was in the hospital because I didn't call her right away. I did call her the day I found out I had a stroke. She mentioned it more than once that I did not call her immediately. Sorry, I was busy having a stroke and taking care of myself. Have I heard from her since? Has she called to see if I am okay? Not once. I had others say things like "My great aunt Suzy had 4 strokes" or "You need to ... " or when I was totally exhausted, fatigued, people I met for the first time, talked for 2 hours while I nodded my head and tried to stay awake. Me, me me. Then there are those who want to be part of the trauma so they can turn it into their drama. People who have barely made it past acquaintance, like to tell how their good friend is on their death bed so that they can get the "I'm so sorry you are going through this".
The point of all of this is not to run down broken people, but to remind us that others opinions are as broken as they are. When we hear a negative about someone, go to God. Ask Him what you are to do with that information. Throw it away, pray or call the person on their broken perspective? So many abused people make up their own reality and sometimes we have to ask, is that what really happened or is that what happened in your head? I am no longer catering to the imagination of those who are broken.
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”
― Adam S. McHugh
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