“Powerful people are not affected or infected by their environment. They refuse to be victims of others.”
― Danny Silk, Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries
I had been in the hospital for two nights with my kids by my side at all times. I had more friends, who are really my family now, come to visit me and pray for me and my kids. We prayed trauma off my kids and the friends who had supported me along the road the day of the stroke. But then I caught on to something going on, something being whispered between my girls. I finally asked. Apparently my mother and step-dad were sitting in a waiting room in the hospital. The first thing that hit me was, they had never even crossed my mind. It had never even dawned on me to call them? Why? Several reasons. She is not a comfort to me, in fact she is the opposite, unneeded stress. My life is not her business. I couldn't fake it and refused to fake it. I did find the positive in that my girls got comfort from some of the things my step-dad advised them on. But when someone pushes their nose into your business when they are not welcome, eventually you don't share anything with them. A mother should not read the diary of a daughter in her late twenties. Yes, she has done things like that my whole life. She noses into what she wants to know, but yet, when asked why she stayed friends with a man who raped me repeatedly, her response is that it was too uncomfortable to end the relationship. My comfort has never been a concern. My whole life has never been about my comfort. Even Christmas, after I had kids we were all still forced to give my mother the Christmas she never had. I forgave her, but I do not have to accept her in my life, especially without her changing her behavior.
It was in this moment of realizing that she was in that hospital that I had to force myself to stay calm for my kids and for my own health. It reminded me of years ago in treatment, when I was asked to describe my relationship with my parents. I don't remember what I said about my dad, but I do remember how I described my mother. Imagine a bus full of young children out of control and heading for a cliff. Somehow I figure out how to get my pick up between the bus and the cliff and the children are all saved, yet I am now in a full body cast. Mother would come to the hospital furious, "I do not have time for this." Who cares the kids were saved. Who cares all my bones are broken? Her schedule is much more important. Now is the time I don't have to put her first. I'm sure she will be on the phone calling those who will listen and telling them how badly she has it, that her daughter had a stroke or to those close enough how badly I treated her. I decided in that moment to forgive her one more time and forget her. I have to focus on me. The reason I include this in my story is because I have talked with so many abused women who feel the same way. There are many abused men and women who can forgive the abuser, but to accept that a mother doesn't protect is much more difficult. Even the most ugly vicious animals protect their young.
One of the first days in the hospital my spiritual mom, my authority, prayed for me and looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not responsible to keep everyone happy. You take care of you." That became clearer every day. I had so many visitors and friends that I slept each night content to know that I was not alone. All those people I hoped meant it when they said they loved me, convinced me a little more that they really did. If nothing else came from the stroke, I found out I have true friends/family.
The two greatest commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. I wonder if God put it that way so that those who put themselves above others would understand how they needed to love others. And those who put others above themselves understood how they need to love themselves. This was a time for me to love myself. This was not going to be easy. Loving yourself is saying what you need and saying what you don't want, no matter what others say or do. I needed peace. I needed peace and rest for me and my kids, especially my pregnant daughter. We prayed trauma off that baby almost every day.
There are miracle healings that happen in an instant and many times I have wondered why many healings don't happen that way. Yet as I walked through each day of healing from this stroke, He is teaching me so much about me and more importantly about Him. One thing I learned is when I put a broken persons wants before my own needs, it is pride. I am putting others opinions of me before God's opinion of me.
I realized through the stroke, how many needy people I had in my life. The more broken you are the more your thoughts revolve around you. Everyone's actions somehow are about you, directed at you, because of you ... at least in your own mind. As you get healing and the wounds of your heart are addressed, your thoughts and concerns become more about others, and yet, others do not rule your life. So many try to push us to think of others first, but when wounds are not addressed and pain is not healed it is impossible to think of anyone but yourself for any length of time. The saddest part of all of this is that your behavior reflects the age of the wound. The only way to grow, to move past the wound is to submit, invite Jesus to do whatever He knows has to be done to heal you, no matter the pain or discomfort. If you can't trust Him to do that, you will continue through life as a wounded child needing what you can't get from anyone but Him.
I have to put myself first. My health depended on it. I never feared not healing. I knew God was there, even though He seemed to be talking to me through others more than talking to me directly. That was okay. That moment when you think you might die, things become very clear. It hit me the second day in the hospital, after the MRI, but before the stroke diagnosis. What if I die? I grabbed a friend and made him promise he would bring in the pastor, the one who had one time kept me alive, yet now we could not seem to speak to each other without fighting. I had to clean up my side of the street with him. That was it? That was the only thing that crossed my mind. My kids know they are my world. My grandkids are the only competition they have. I tell my friends how I feel about them, so they know. Those who are still stuck in the "Me" stage will only bring drama and forget me in no time, because they only see themselves. I have no regrets. I have lived my life as a broken person, trying to please everyone so they will love me and I no longer choose to do that. No person will control my actions unless they are under 5 years old and I am getting paid by the hour to be with them.
The rest of my life is about Jesus and me. To be healthy and to have healthy relationships is my priority. I will no longer play drama games. I will no longer put others before God.
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”
― Adam S. McHugh
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