The Plan

“I've read the last page of the Bible, it's all going to turn out all right.”
― Billy Graham

     Lately, I have been asking God a lot of questions about my future.  Nothing really out of the ordinary, mostly, where are You taking me?  I am at one of those places when there are so many forks in the road, I am paralyzed, waiting for direction.  I have to get moving.  I am so close to finishing my story.  I am just waiting for God to write the ending so I can put it down in words.  I am at a point where I need to think about money and yet not sure which direction God is going to take with that.  I have that feeling though, like the car is running, God's in the driver's seat with His foot on the brake and the car in gear.  I'm sitting in the passenger seat, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Then He smiles and of all things, looks in the rearview mirror.  "Look Kayleen.  See what I have done?  Trust Me."
     Some days the past isn't where I want to look.  I'm ready to get this car moving.  This is why I like to drive.  I want to go when I am ready, stop where I want to stop and turn down the roads I want to turn down.  It's not an easy thing to let God take the wheel.  I'm always being thrown around by the expectation to turn left, when He turns right.  Expect the unexpected.  So, why is He looking back?  How far is He looking back?  Why do I have to go back there?
     This morning I took a peek in the mirror.  I looked back thirty two years ago to a wooded park about a mile from the house I grew up in.  I was fifteen years old and my life had been pretty miserable.  At this moment I was dealing with a major issue.  I was pregnant.  In the driver's seat was a twenty year old kid I saw as the adult in the situation.  He was just as confused, scared, and in shock as I was.  He had picked me up and we drove to the park so I could tell him the news.  One of our friends had already enlightened him and at first he seemed so together, and I was sure he had the "right" answer.  To my surprise, he didn't.  At fifteen you think you know it all until such a situation is set before you.  We were messed up kids, but we were not bad kids.  We were not "in love", we were not even going out.  We had broken up and then ran into each other at a party and this pregnancy was the result of the one time we gave in.
     Over the years I have realized how young I really was.  I have also realized how young he really was.  I see the whole thing completely different now, than I did then.  He actually was brave enough to sit down with my parent's and have a conversation about the pregnancy.  At the time, I was angry and felt they were all talking behind my back.  As time passed, I realized how much courage that took and I grew to admire that move.  He also decided the baby would be better off without his influence and told me so.  At the time I saw this as abandonment, but as I grew I realized how much he loves kids and how hard that actually was for him.  He was trying to do the best thing for his child and no matter what anyone thinks of that decision, the important fact is that it was a sacrifice for him.  Over the years there were moments I thought I hated him.  There were times I felt he got all the benefit and had none of the responsibility.  
     A few years ago I realized that those two kids sitting in that car that day had no real role models for the situation we had to face.  We were two screwed up kids from two screwed up families.  I remember asking him, "What's going to happen to us?"  We both did the best we could with the tools we had. 
     Today, I consider him a friend.  He is married and madly in love with a beautiful woman I also call friend.  God has brought our lives together in these last years.  I have absolutely, not one, bad feeling toward this man.  He and his wife have a teenage son who is wonderful and I love.  All the feelings we have both experienced over 32 years, I'm not sure can even be put into words.  I can't begin to understand all that he has gone through and I believe he will never know all that I faced.  None of that matters, now.
     The reason God was showing me the rearview mirror this morning, is because all those years ago, in that car, in the park with all the pain, fear and even anger.  God was there.  He knew where He was taking us.  He had a plan while we were frantically trying to make one up.  Neither of us was looking to Him for that plan, though we both probably made some 911 prayer calls.  I can see us both staring forward drowning in all our own stuff, while Jesus sat in the backseat with a hand gently resting on each of us.  We had no idea.
     Two years ago on Mother's Day 2011 I was baptized and truly began this journey with Jesus.  He was there with his wife and son.  Our son was there with his family.  Over a year ago, our first grandchild together, was baptized at 8 years old.  Yesterday, on Easter, my son's father was baptized.  All I can hear and see this morning is Jesus, "I had this all along.  I had a plan, I still have a plan and everything is going to be okay." 
     For all the times I wanted to land my fist in his face, for all the arguments we had, for all the fear, disappointment, and anger we had for each other, I am so relieved that God's plan is the only one that came to be.  I never dreamed I could be so happy for him and where he is in his life.  We have gone from two scared, mixed up kids facing a seemingly impossible situation to a brother and sister in Christ.  Forgiveness is a powerful weapon in the army of God.  Maybe, just maybe, we can now forgive ourselves for the mistakes those two kids made.  God's plan, God's timing, and even some of our unanswered prayers have been a blessing we never could have seen that day 32 years ago.  Thank you Jesus.


“Tears shed for self are tears of weakness, but tears shed for others are a sign of strength.”
― Billy Graham